rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2011-04-28 09:26 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2011-04-28 09:26 pm
Entry tags:
[fic] Toshiya/Die – Dir en grey – Forget Me Not – Oneshot
Title: Forget Me Not
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Movie Adapted: Solaris (2002 version)
Pairing: Toshiya/Die, mentions of Kaoru
Rating: R
Word Count: 3047
Warnings: character death
Disclaimer: no own anything
Comments: I wanted the fic to be more epic and long and epic but yeah. I'm still quite satisfied with the outcome. For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
reel_jrock, the original entry here.
Only a day at the space station and Toshiya already knows something is going on. The place is eerily empty, only three persons in addition to himself, and out of those three two are borderline insane. The third, sanest one of them is his contact, the one who begged the project lead to send someone there. Someone with a medical degree, preferably someone used to dealing with mental unbalance.
When Shinya contacted Toshiya about the job, Toshiya didn’t even hesitate. What did he have to lose anyway?
Saying that Kaoru is the sanest out of the people occupying the space station doesn’t really tell much. He still looks like he has seen a ghost, his eyes flickering from side to side nervously as if someone is lurking in the shadows, ready to attack. Toshiya is curious about it, swears he will get to the bottom of all this.
In the evening he sits on the windowsill in his room, watching the beautiful blue planet outside his slightly tinted window. Solaris, the planet covered in water. He watches the surface swirl, how it emits an almost magical glow that seems to tempt one to reach out for it.
It’s almost as if the blue planet calms him with its mere existence.
It is silent in the darkness. So silent he can only hear his breaths, deep and ragged. He can barely make out vague outlines in the icy blue light cast in through the tinted window. But he doesn’t need to see to know he’s not alone. He can feel it with his every other sense. A soft feathery touch on his thigh, fingers tracing a line up his side and to his shoulder. He holds his breath. This can not be happening. Yet when lips descend on his own, he stops in his tracks, forces his mind to shut up.
It can’t be happening. It doesn’t mean he isn’t praying for it to be real. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel real. He is desperate enough to take what he can get. Even if it’s a dream and leaves him hollow inside in the morning. For now he can lose himself in the touches, in the slide of skin on skin, in the hot kisses, in the familiar way long legs wrap around his hips when he sinks in deeper, deeper, so intense he doesn’t remember to breathe.
The scrape of fingernails on his back is so familiar he feels his heart clench at it. He crushes their mouths together in desperate urgency, hard enough to hurt and still not enough. He doesn’t dare to open his eyes so he keeps on kissing those lush lips, keeps on ravaging the mouth opening willingly for him. Not even once does he look up, not even when his world goes through an explosion and he comes in hot, hard spurts. Not even when he drifts off to sleep to the gentle caress on his back and the low whispers in his ear.
When he startles awake there are dark, bright eyes gazing right at him. Eyes he knows all too well.
The first time Toshiya meets Die they’re both wearing a suit. Die’s suit is white and accentuates his lithe frame. Toshiya’s suit is expensive and traditional, perfect and neat. It also has a steadily growing purple wine stain right where Toshiya’s glass collided seconds earlier, sandwiched between their bodies.
“You don’t suppose there is a miraculous way to get rid of this?” Toshiya smiles, gesturing at the wine stain on his shirt. Die’s eyes flicker down to the purple mark, a low chuckle spilling from his lips. Toshiya already knows he could listen to that laughter for the rest of his life. It’s a scary thought, falling so hard so fast, but he can’t help it.
He is pulled out of his reveries when Die reaches out, pressing his fingertips on the white fabric and runs them down over the stain. “I don’t think there is. You’ll have to get rid of the shirt, I’m afraid.” There is a definite flirtatious tone to his voice and Toshiya laughs, meeting those sparkling eyes with his own.
“Then why don’t we get out of here and you can help me with that?” He suggests. It’s a horrible pick up line and he has no idea how it works. Thankfully it does and a moment later he hands Die his coat and hooks their arms as they step outside.
The warm body is still right there next to him when Toshiya blinks to clear his head, his eyes wide open. He reaches out, runs his fingertips over the lush lips, down the chin and to the white expanse of the throat. He tracks an eyebrow with his thumb, combs through the chocolate brown strands of hair.
He realizes he is not dreaming. It’s all too real.
When Die opens his eyes and smiles, Toshiya’s heart stops dead in his chest. He never thought he would see him again.
Toshiya sighs as he feels long fingers trace his side, warm breath ghosting over the back of his neck. “I know you’re awake,” Die whispers lowly, his lips so close to Toshiya’s ear now that it tickles. The hand on his hip changes directions until it’s sliding up his stomach, flattening on his chest, atop his heart. “And I know you can hear me.”
“Is that a subtle way to tell me you want attention?” Toshiya asks, chuckling as he opens his eyes. The bright red numbers of the clock tell him it’s still very early in the morning but he doesn’t mind. He isn’t sleepy anymore anyway. There is a soft chuckle in his ear and he can feel the warmth leaving him as the other man pulls away. It gives him enough room to roll over on his back and instantly he is met with Die’s smiling face. “Yes. I want attention.”
“Well then. I suppose I’ll need to give you some.” Toshiya mirrors the smile as he leans in to connect their lips in a soft, slow kiss. He brushes his fingers over Die’s neck, into his hair and to the back of his head. He could get used to this. For the rest of his life.
A part of Toshiya hoped he could have some answers from the remaining staff members at the station. He does. But not to the extent he was expecting. It takes him an hour of poking to get someone to even talk to him. Finally he corners Kaoru in the small laboratory, insisting on hearing what is going on.
Kaoru sighs, runs his fingers through the rough mess of dark hair. He looks at the walls, at the control panels, at the floor. Anywhere but straight at Toshiya. “I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s quite obvious.” He nearly only growls, his eyes flickering towards the doorframe and back at his shoes again. “They’re not real. They’re here, they’re not real.”
“Who visits you?” Toshiya’s voice is low, barely audible in the room. Still it makes Kaoru flinch.
“My,” he begins but his voice cracks already at the first syllable. He takes a moment to gather himself, swallows hard and levels his chin. There is pride in those lines, in the firm set of his jaw. He still doesn’t look straight at Toshiya. “My wife.”
“I suppose she is – ?”
“Yes. For ten years.” It’s said casually but one can hear the strain in the words. Ten years. Ten long years. Toshiya can’t even imagine that, not when three years for him feel like a lifetime. He nods slowly, turning to leave. He doesn’t know if Kaoru even hears his whispered ‘thank you’, but he figures it doesn’t matter much.
When Toshiya wakes up it’s cold.
Instinctively he reaches out but his fingers only meet the smooth surface of the bed, sliding unhindered. There is no one there and momentarily he panics. He scrambles up hastily, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he glances around the room. Only when his eyes fall on the pale figure sitting on the wide windowsill he takes a deep breath, his heartbeat slowly calming.
“What are you doing?” He nearly whispers as he places a hand on Die’s shoulder. His footsteps were barely audible, soft padding on the floor, but Die is aware of his presence and doesn’t even flinch. He doesn’t look at Toshiya either but tilts his face up, illuminated only by the blue glow of the planet outside. It’s like the shadows and light soak up in his skin, leaving a sapphire glint behind.
He is beautiful like this. He always was beautiful, Toshiya corrects inwardly. He brushes his fingertips down Die’s smooth cheek and it feels like it always did. Die’s eyelashes flutter like they always did. It’s so familiar it hurts, aches deep in Toshiya’s chest.
Die’s low whisper makes Toshiya startle. Not as much the sound of his voice in the silence but the words. The words, and the look in those deep brown eyes that finally turn towards him.
“This created me.”
“You should’ve told me!” Toshiya demands, his tone harsher than he wants it to be. It’s not like he is mad at Die, not really. He is frustrated, he is hurt, he wants to throw things and break something. But if he is angry at someone, something, it’s life itself. A cruel game they were all forced to play.
Die looks at him sadly, the smile on his lips an awkward shadow of what it usually is. “I’m sorry. I… I didn’t want to make you worry.” It sounds almost resigned but Toshiya knows Die well enough to read the little nuances. Die is sorry for making him upset, yes. Die still thinks he did the right thing, would do it again.
“You…” Toshiya begins but he bites back the words and swallows them past the lump in his throat. Didn’t want him to worry? He is a doctor, he knows what this means. He knows Die is dying. He knows there is nothing he can do to it. Nothing anyone can do to it.
“How long?” He chokes out the words, past his suddenly dry lips. He needs to know when. How long he still has.
“A couple of months.”
“The furniture was hideous.” Die sounds solemn, so honest that it makes Toshiya smile despite everything. He always knew Die hated the way Toshiya’s parents had furnished their apartment, so different from the environment his own family had created. They had had countless playfights over it, back then.
Toshiya rolls over to tuck an arm around Die’s waist, relishing the way the other man presses against him automatically. Exactly like he remembers it, like he enjoys it. “I know, I know. Your parents always had better taste and I should’ve seen it once.” He still felt a little sting at that. Not even once had they visited the other man’s parents during five years together.
Die scrunches his face up thoughtfully. The silence drags on, until he gives an awkward half-shrug. “I don’t know. I have no idea what their home looks like.” He admits silently.
“Don’t be silly, Die. You spent way too much time there,” Toshiya gripes, the times he had been home alone, waiting, still stuck on his mind. The only answer he gains is a small, frustrated noise.
Suddenly it hits him. He rewinds. He goes through every discussion they’ve had these past days. Every detail. Every bit of it is something he remembers. Everything is something they went through together. He remembers it all. Die remembers it all.
But Die doesn’t remember how his childhood home looked like.
He doesn’t know.
“You still remember when we met?” Die asks lowly, a soft smile dancing on his lips. It’s the kind of smile Toshiya wants to put in a jar and save forever, the kind of smile that makes his heart jump, the kind of smile he wants to kiss away from those lips only to see it re-appear just for him.
He hums happily. “Of course I do.” Toshiya traces a line over the other man’s flat stomach. He knows moments like this are growing rare and it’s almost too easy to focus on it, to enjoy it. To ignore the dark clouds looming in the horizon, inching closer each day.
“I thought you were really hot.” Die laughs. His eyes are sparkling as he looks at Toshiya, like they haven’t sparkled in days now, weeks, way too long.
“You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen,” Toshiya whispers and as mushy as it sounds it is true. Maybe love is blind, but Die always was the best thing that ever happened to him. “You still are.” Even despite the dark circles underneath his eyes, the pale waxen skin and the prominent ribs one can trace way too easily, Die is beautiful. He always will be.
“Still,” Die smiles and turns his head to meet Toshiya’s eyes with his own. “I want you to remember me like that, alright. Remember me like I was when we met.” There is something like a desperate plea in his eyes and Toshiya nods, unable to do anything else. The words are like laced in his throat, not a single sound escaping him.
He will remember. He will. How could he not?
“The planet is nearer than before.”
Toshiya startles from his reveries, looks up to Die. Die is still watching the blue planet through the tinted window, sitting right next to it. He doesn’t even try to deny it, what sense would it make? Kaoru’s voice still echoes in his ears: We are going to crash into Solaris. Any day now, the speed is accelerating. You should leave while you still can.
The thing is, Toshiya knows it was already too late to leave the second he stepped inside. It was definitely too late the second he caught a glimpse of an all too familiar set of deep brown eyes. He never said that out loud though. “It is,” he answers simply, his fingers resting on Die’s knee. “Only days and we’ll crash.”
He doesn’t expect the tinge of panic, the sheer terror in the other man’s wide eyes when they turn to him. Especially since he knows the pain isn’t something Die feels for himself. “You have to go. The emergency capsule.” There is a certain urgency to his voice and he even pushes Toshiya’s side, as if he could make him move with that, turn and run and leave everything behind.
It doesn’t work like that. “I don’t want to.”
Die sighs in deep, determination mixing with desperation in his gaze. “Toshiya.” He cups Toshiya’s cheek in his palm, leans in until their lips are touching. “I love you,” he only whispers and connects their mouths in a slow kiss. When it breaks he doesn’t pull back, he speaks right against Toshiya’s mouth, his breath hot on his skin. “Go. I am nothing but a memory. I will follow you anywhere you go.”
Toshiya wants to ask him if he means that concretely, if he will follow him into the emergency capsule and run away with him. He knows it’s not true though. Die confirms it a second later as he presses his palm on Toshiya’s chest, on top of his heart. “Here. Always with you.”
Toshiya knows it’s true. But it’s not enough. Die knows that, too.
The next morning Toshiya wakes up to the blue shimmer that is more intense than ever.
The room is empty. There is only a note on the table left for him.
I’m sorry. Go. I love you.
Toshiya crumples the paper in his fist. There is nothing left for him here.
The emergency capsule clicks shut with a sickening snap. Toshiya raises his gaze to meet Kaoru’s through the thick glass. The other man looks resigned, not a hint of a smile on his face. Not a trace of any emotion. Toshiya raises his hand in a final goodbye.
Toshiya knows he is alone. The blue glow is getting so strong his eyes ache. His chest aches. His joints ache, his lungs ache. Every breath comes slower and slower, dragging the last of the oxygen molecules in as if it could still save his life. Toshiya knows it’s futile.
He knows it and he waits for it.
He hopes. Him.
Toshiya blinks his eyes blearily. He is back home, back in his apartment. Like it used to be before … before this all began. He looks at the crumpled sheets, clothes thrown haphazardly on the floor, as he passes the bedroom. There is light shining from the doorway to the kitchen and instinctively he follows that.
There, standing in the doorway with the light in his back, smiling at him, is Die. He stops in his tracks, his eyes widening. He knows he can’t be dreaming, not anymore. Not when he ran out of oxygen long ago and his chest isn’t even moving anymore, desperate for air. He can’t be dreaming but it can’t be real, either.
He raises his hand, reaching out for Die but not touching him. Not yet. “How?” His voice is raspy as he speaks up, hurts like a thousand needles in his throat. He is surprised the word is still recognizable.
Die smiles. “You’re here to stay, Toshiya.” There is nothing but tenderness in his eyes and he raises his hand, meeting Toshiya’s halfway. He twines their fingers and tugs, pulls Toshiya closer to himself. Instinctively Toshiya buries his fingers in dark strands of hair and the next thing he knows is that Die is close, so close, pressed against his chest like he never left in the first place.
He doesn’t know if this is only in his mind. But he doesn’t even really care. Trick of his mind or not, he has Die right there in his arms and that is all he could ask for.
When he buries his nose into Die’s soft hair and inhales his scent deep, he is home.
When he feels Die’s arms around himself, he knows this is it.
This is.
The end.
And the beginning.
Author:
fonulynMovie Adapted: Solaris (2002 version)
Pairing: Toshiya/Die, mentions of Kaoru
Rating: R
Word Count: 3047
Warnings: character death
Disclaimer: no own anything
Comments: I wanted the fic to be more epic and long and epic but yeah. I'm still quite satisfied with the outcome. For
reel_jrock, the original entry here.Only a day at the space station and Toshiya already knows something is going on. The place is eerily empty, only three persons in addition to himself, and out of those three two are borderline insane. The third, sanest one of them is his contact, the one who begged the project lead to send someone there. Someone with a medical degree, preferably someone used to dealing with mental unbalance.
When Shinya contacted Toshiya about the job, Toshiya didn’t even hesitate. What did he have to lose anyway?
Saying that Kaoru is the sanest out of the people occupying the space station doesn’t really tell much. He still looks like he has seen a ghost, his eyes flickering from side to side nervously as if someone is lurking in the shadows, ready to attack. Toshiya is curious about it, swears he will get to the bottom of all this.
In the evening he sits on the windowsill in his room, watching the beautiful blue planet outside his slightly tinted window. Solaris, the planet covered in water. He watches the surface swirl, how it emits an almost magical glow that seems to tempt one to reach out for it.
It’s almost as if the blue planet calms him with its mere existence.
It is silent in the darkness. So silent he can only hear his breaths, deep and ragged. He can barely make out vague outlines in the icy blue light cast in through the tinted window. But he doesn’t need to see to know he’s not alone. He can feel it with his every other sense. A soft feathery touch on his thigh, fingers tracing a line up his side and to his shoulder. He holds his breath. This can not be happening. Yet when lips descend on his own, he stops in his tracks, forces his mind to shut up.
It can’t be happening. It doesn’t mean he isn’t praying for it to be real. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel real. He is desperate enough to take what he can get. Even if it’s a dream and leaves him hollow inside in the morning. For now he can lose himself in the touches, in the slide of skin on skin, in the hot kisses, in the familiar way long legs wrap around his hips when he sinks in deeper, deeper, so intense he doesn’t remember to breathe.
The scrape of fingernails on his back is so familiar he feels his heart clench at it. He crushes their mouths together in desperate urgency, hard enough to hurt and still not enough. He doesn’t dare to open his eyes so he keeps on kissing those lush lips, keeps on ravaging the mouth opening willingly for him. Not even once does he look up, not even when his world goes through an explosion and he comes in hot, hard spurts. Not even when he drifts off to sleep to the gentle caress on his back and the low whispers in his ear.
When he startles awake there are dark, bright eyes gazing right at him. Eyes he knows all too well.
The first time Toshiya meets Die they’re both wearing a suit. Die’s suit is white and accentuates his lithe frame. Toshiya’s suit is expensive and traditional, perfect and neat. It also has a steadily growing purple wine stain right where Toshiya’s glass collided seconds earlier, sandwiched between their bodies.
“You don’t suppose there is a miraculous way to get rid of this?” Toshiya smiles, gesturing at the wine stain on his shirt. Die’s eyes flicker down to the purple mark, a low chuckle spilling from his lips. Toshiya already knows he could listen to that laughter for the rest of his life. It’s a scary thought, falling so hard so fast, but he can’t help it.
He is pulled out of his reveries when Die reaches out, pressing his fingertips on the white fabric and runs them down over the stain. “I don’t think there is. You’ll have to get rid of the shirt, I’m afraid.” There is a definite flirtatious tone to his voice and Toshiya laughs, meeting those sparkling eyes with his own.
“Then why don’t we get out of here and you can help me with that?” He suggests. It’s a horrible pick up line and he has no idea how it works. Thankfully it does and a moment later he hands Die his coat and hooks their arms as they step outside.
The warm body is still right there next to him when Toshiya blinks to clear his head, his eyes wide open. He reaches out, runs his fingertips over the lush lips, down the chin and to the white expanse of the throat. He tracks an eyebrow with his thumb, combs through the chocolate brown strands of hair.
He realizes he is not dreaming. It’s all too real.
When Die opens his eyes and smiles, Toshiya’s heart stops dead in his chest. He never thought he would see him again.
Toshiya sighs as he feels long fingers trace his side, warm breath ghosting over the back of his neck. “I know you’re awake,” Die whispers lowly, his lips so close to Toshiya’s ear now that it tickles. The hand on his hip changes directions until it’s sliding up his stomach, flattening on his chest, atop his heart. “And I know you can hear me.”
“Is that a subtle way to tell me you want attention?” Toshiya asks, chuckling as he opens his eyes. The bright red numbers of the clock tell him it’s still very early in the morning but he doesn’t mind. He isn’t sleepy anymore anyway. There is a soft chuckle in his ear and he can feel the warmth leaving him as the other man pulls away. It gives him enough room to roll over on his back and instantly he is met with Die’s smiling face. “Yes. I want attention.”
“Well then. I suppose I’ll need to give you some.” Toshiya mirrors the smile as he leans in to connect their lips in a soft, slow kiss. He brushes his fingers over Die’s neck, into his hair and to the back of his head. He could get used to this. For the rest of his life.
A part of Toshiya hoped he could have some answers from the remaining staff members at the station. He does. But not to the extent he was expecting. It takes him an hour of poking to get someone to even talk to him. Finally he corners Kaoru in the small laboratory, insisting on hearing what is going on.
Kaoru sighs, runs his fingers through the rough mess of dark hair. He looks at the walls, at the control panels, at the floor. Anywhere but straight at Toshiya. “I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s quite obvious.” He nearly only growls, his eyes flickering towards the doorframe and back at his shoes again. “They’re not real. They’re here, they’re not real.”
“Who visits you?” Toshiya’s voice is low, barely audible in the room. Still it makes Kaoru flinch.
“My,” he begins but his voice cracks already at the first syllable. He takes a moment to gather himself, swallows hard and levels his chin. There is pride in those lines, in the firm set of his jaw. He still doesn’t look straight at Toshiya. “My wife.”
“I suppose she is – ?”
“Yes. For ten years.” It’s said casually but one can hear the strain in the words. Ten years. Ten long years. Toshiya can’t even imagine that, not when three years for him feel like a lifetime. He nods slowly, turning to leave. He doesn’t know if Kaoru even hears his whispered ‘thank you’, but he figures it doesn’t matter much.
When Toshiya wakes up it’s cold.
Instinctively he reaches out but his fingers only meet the smooth surface of the bed, sliding unhindered. There is no one there and momentarily he panics. He scrambles up hastily, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he glances around the room. Only when his eyes fall on the pale figure sitting on the wide windowsill he takes a deep breath, his heartbeat slowly calming.
“What are you doing?” He nearly whispers as he places a hand on Die’s shoulder. His footsteps were barely audible, soft padding on the floor, but Die is aware of his presence and doesn’t even flinch. He doesn’t look at Toshiya either but tilts his face up, illuminated only by the blue glow of the planet outside. It’s like the shadows and light soak up in his skin, leaving a sapphire glint behind.
He is beautiful like this. He always was beautiful, Toshiya corrects inwardly. He brushes his fingertips down Die’s smooth cheek and it feels like it always did. Die’s eyelashes flutter like they always did. It’s so familiar it hurts, aches deep in Toshiya’s chest.
Die’s low whisper makes Toshiya startle. Not as much the sound of his voice in the silence but the words. The words, and the look in those deep brown eyes that finally turn towards him.
“This created me.”
“You should’ve told me!” Toshiya demands, his tone harsher than he wants it to be. It’s not like he is mad at Die, not really. He is frustrated, he is hurt, he wants to throw things and break something. But if he is angry at someone, something, it’s life itself. A cruel game they were all forced to play.
Die looks at him sadly, the smile on his lips an awkward shadow of what it usually is. “I’m sorry. I… I didn’t want to make you worry.” It sounds almost resigned but Toshiya knows Die well enough to read the little nuances. Die is sorry for making him upset, yes. Die still thinks he did the right thing, would do it again.
“You…” Toshiya begins but he bites back the words and swallows them past the lump in his throat. Didn’t want him to worry? He is a doctor, he knows what this means. He knows Die is dying. He knows there is nothing he can do to it. Nothing anyone can do to it.
“How long?” He chokes out the words, past his suddenly dry lips. He needs to know when. How long he still has.
“A couple of months.”
“The furniture was hideous.” Die sounds solemn, so honest that it makes Toshiya smile despite everything. He always knew Die hated the way Toshiya’s parents had furnished their apartment, so different from the environment his own family had created. They had had countless playfights over it, back then.
Toshiya rolls over to tuck an arm around Die’s waist, relishing the way the other man presses against him automatically. Exactly like he remembers it, like he enjoys it. “I know, I know. Your parents always had better taste and I should’ve seen it once.” He still felt a little sting at that. Not even once had they visited the other man’s parents during five years together.
Die scrunches his face up thoughtfully. The silence drags on, until he gives an awkward half-shrug. “I don’t know. I have no idea what their home looks like.” He admits silently.
“Don’t be silly, Die. You spent way too much time there,” Toshiya gripes, the times he had been home alone, waiting, still stuck on his mind. The only answer he gains is a small, frustrated noise.
Suddenly it hits him. He rewinds. He goes through every discussion they’ve had these past days. Every detail. Every bit of it is something he remembers. Everything is something they went through together. He remembers it all. Die remembers it all.
But Die doesn’t remember how his childhood home looked like.
He doesn’t know.
“You still remember when we met?” Die asks lowly, a soft smile dancing on his lips. It’s the kind of smile Toshiya wants to put in a jar and save forever, the kind of smile that makes his heart jump, the kind of smile he wants to kiss away from those lips only to see it re-appear just for him.
He hums happily. “Of course I do.” Toshiya traces a line over the other man’s flat stomach. He knows moments like this are growing rare and it’s almost too easy to focus on it, to enjoy it. To ignore the dark clouds looming in the horizon, inching closer each day.
“I thought you were really hot.” Die laughs. His eyes are sparkling as he looks at Toshiya, like they haven’t sparkled in days now, weeks, way too long.
“You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen,” Toshiya whispers and as mushy as it sounds it is true. Maybe love is blind, but Die always was the best thing that ever happened to him. “You still are.” Even despite the dark circles underneath his eyes, the pale waxen skin and the prominent ribs one can trace way too easily, Die is beautiful. He always will be.
“Still,” Die smiles and turns his head to meet Toshiya’s eyes with his own. “I want you to remember me like that, alright. Remember me like I was when we met.” There is something like a desperate plea in his eyes and Toshiya nods, unable to do anything else. The words are like laced in his throat, not a single sound escaping him.
He will remember. He will. How could he not?
“The planet is nearer than before.”
Toshiya startles from his reveries, looks up to Die. Die is still watching the blue planet through the tinted window, sitting right next to it. He doesn’t even try to deny it, what sense would it make? Kaoru’s voice still echoes in his ears: We are going to crash into Solaris. Any day now, the speed is accelerating. You should leave while you still can.
The thing is, Toshiya knows it was already too late to leave the second he stepped inside. It was definitely too late the second he caught a glimpse of an all too familiar set of deep brown eyes. He never said that out loud though. “It is,” he answers simply, his fingers resting on Die’s knee. “Only days and we’ll crash.”
He doesn’t expect the tinge of panic, the sheer terror in the other man’s wide eyes when they turn to him. Especially since he knows the pain isn’t something Die feels for himself. “You have to go. The emergency capsule.” There is a certain urgency to his voice and he even pushes Toshiya’s side, as if he could make him move with that, turn and run and leave everything behind.
It doesn’t work like that. “I don’t want to.”
Die sighs in deep, determination mixing with desperation in his gaze. “Toshiya.” He cups Toshiya’s cheek in his palm, leans in until their lips are touching. “I love you,” he only whispers and connects their mouths in a slow kiss. When it breaks he doesn’t pull back, he speaks right against Toshiya’s mouth, his breath hot on his skin. “Go. I am nothing but a memory. I will follow you anywhere you go.”
Toshiya wants to ask him if he means that concretely, if he will follow him into the emergency capsule and run away with him. He knows it’s not true though. Die confirms it a second later as he presses his palm on Toshiya’s chest, on top of his heart. “Here. Always with you.”
Toshiya knows it’s true. But it’s not enough. Die knows that, too.
The next morning Toshiya wakes up to the blue shimmer that is more intense than ever.
The room is empty. There is only a note on the table left for him.
I’m sorry. Go. I love you.
Toshiya crumples the paper in his fist. There is nothing left for him here.
The emergency capsule clicks shut with a sickening snap. Toshiya raises his gaze to meet Kaoru’s through the thick glass. The other man looks resigned, not a hint of a smile on his face. Not a trace of any emotion. Toshiya raises his hand in a final goodbye.
Toshiya knows he is alone. The blue glow is getting so strong his eyes ache. His chest aches. His joints ache, his lungs ache. Every breath comes slower and slower, dragging the last of the oxygen molecules in as if it could still save his life. Toshiya knows it’s futile.
He knows it and he waits for it.
He hopes. Him.
Toshiya blinks his eyes blearily. He is back home, back in his apartment. Like it used to be before … before this all began. He looks at the crumpled sheets, clothes thrown haphazardly on the floor, as he passes the bedroom. There is light shining from the doorway to the kitchen and instinctively he follows that.
There, standing in the doorway with the light in his back, smiling at him, is Die. He stops in his tracks, his eyes widening. He knows he can’t be dreaming, not anymore. Not when he ran out of oxygen long ago and his chest isn’t even moving anymore, desperate for air. He can’t be dreaming but it can’t be real, either.
He raises his hand, reaching out for Die but not touching him. Not yet. “How?” His voice is raspy as he speaks up, hurts like a thousand needles in his throat. He is surprised the word is still recognizable.
Die smiles. “You’re here to stay, Toshiya.” There is nothing but tenderness in his eyes and he raises his hand, meeting Toshiya’s halfway. He twines their fingers and tugs, pulls Toshiya closer to himself. Instinctively Toshiya buries his fingers in dark strands of hair and the next thing he knows is that Die is close, so close, pressed against his chest like he never left in the first place.
He doesn’t know if this is only in his mind. But he doesn’t even really care. Trick of his mind or not, he has Die right there in his arms and that is all he could ask for.
When he buries his nose into Die’s soft hair and inhales his scent deep, he is home.
When he feels Die’s arms around himself, he knows this is it.
This is.
The end.
And the beginning.
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I like how you wrote those parts taking place on station (why so short?! ;o; I want more!!!), but that could have been kinda expected 'coz it's me ;)
anyway ♥
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Well now that you say it, might've been kind of expected XD But I'm really glad to hear you liked it! I... kinda wanted it to be longer but this is all I could get done within the time limit.
Thank you ♥