rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2011-03-03 08:33 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2011-03-03 08:33 pm
Entry tags:
[fic] Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi – SJM – the last (the first) day – Oneshot
Title: the last (the first) day
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Would telling about it sooner have changed anything at all in the end? All Kyuhyun knows is that he will always be there, no matter what.
Comments: I’m kind of iffy about this but well, I figured it won’t get any better if I just stare at it brainlessly without doing anything :/ I never write angst, seriously. Never. So this is… weird for me. And I abuse the italics, someone make me stop. And someone cheer me up so I won’t write more angst :/ Or force me write happy things!
The sharp sound of the door slamming shut barely has the time to ring through the air before the first angry words are spat out, without taking the detour through Kyuhyun’s brain first, coming straight from his heart, his gut, wherever the basic feelings reside.
“And you didn’t think it was important enough to tell me about it?” Kyuhyun is nearly shaking and one can see he is angry. More than angry, actually, he is practically raging if the burn in his eyes and the dark tint of red on his skin is anything to go by. He is clenching his fists and for a split second he really, really wants to punch something, slam his fist into the wall right next to Zhou Mi’s face. He can already see those clear eyes widen, the shock written all over the Chinese man’s features and he holds back, knowing he would only make it worse.
At a first glance, Zhou Mi looks calm, almost frighteningly so. Only when one looks more closely it becomes clear how shaken he is as well, how he is worrying his lower lip with his teeth, his fingers fidgeting as he tries hard not to move his hands to grasp something, someone. “It wouldn’t have changed anything. It doesn’t matter.”
Of all the possible words he could’ve picked, those are probably the worst ones.
“It doesn’t matter!?” Kyuhyun nearly shrieks and this time his fist shoots out, colliding painfully with the nightstand and he knows he will regret it later, his knuckles already burning and joints aching. “It’s your voice.” He lets the words sink in for good measure, his eyes flaring up with emotion as he stares right at the other man across the small room. “Of course it matters!”
Zhou Mi doesn’t flinch visibly like he had thought he would, but one can still see how his eyes are a little bit wider, his lips set to a thin line as he levels his jaw stubbornly. He is not backing down. “And what are you going to do about it?” He asks, deliberately slow and steady, emphasizing every single word. “If I had told you earlier, what would you have done?”
“I could’ve made you rest, for god’s sake, stop pushing yourself so hard and – ” Kyuhyun stops in mid-sentence, his lips still parted and his breath catching in his throat. He shakes his head a little bit, biting his lower lip hard – hard enough for it to probably leave a bruise – as he adds the rest silently in his mind I could’ve taken care of you.
I could’ve taken care of you. Please let me take care of you. Please.
He never says it out loud, though. In fact, neither of them says anything and there is a long silence, stretching its icy claws into the room and between them. It’s so suffocating that before long Kyuhyun looks up, nearly freezing in mid-movement when their eyes meet.
“And would I have listened?” Zhou Mi asks softly. His voice is sad, resigned, and yet somehow it feels like he is the one comforting Kyuhyun and not the other way around.
Kyuhyun knows the answer without even thinking of it. “No.” He is aching inside, pain flashing through his chest but he doesn’t let it show, his face a mask of pure blankness. Zhou Mi wouldn’t have listened to him. He wouldn’t have stopped practicing and he wouldn’t have eased up. No matter what Kyuhyun would’ve told him.
But still.
But still, he wants to say, it could be different. It could be easier. It should be. And yet he knows it never will be. This isn’t something they can rewind and try again, and even if they could it might not ever turn like he wants it to.
Kyuhyun looks up again and this time neither of them flinches when their eyes meet. There is something almost scary in Zhou Mi’s eyes, something Kyuhyun can only describe as endless sadness. There is no mask right now, nothing to hide behind and he isn’t pretending to be stronger than he is. Still Kyuhyun expected tears, expected a breakdown of some sort and the lack of one frightens him.
“Zhou Mi,” he begins but he doesn’t get any further before he’s brought face to face with exactly what he thought was missing.
“Do you think it’s easy?” Zhou Mi’s voice cracks in the end of the sentence, as if mocking them and the whole situation. After all, his voice is why they are having the whole conversation in the first place. “Do you think it’s easy,” Zhou Mi repeats after swallowing hard, doing his best to avoid Kyuhyun’s searching gaze, “waking up in the morning and wondering if it’s the last day you’ll ever be able to sing? Or if it’s already the first day when you can’t.”
Something breaks in Kyuhyun’s chest and he can’t hold back anymore, not now. He has no words, he has nothing that could make things better. And while he can’t know how it feels to live in constant fear of losing his voice, he knows how it is to fear, how it is to think everything is lost. He hasn’t always been an optimist but there is a glimmer of hope inside of him that nothing, nothing, has managed to smother.
He steps closer and when he envelopes Zhou Mi into his arms the taller man doesn’t resist, but instead practically curls into the embrace, clutching tight on Kyuhyun’s shirt. He combs his fingers through Zhou Mi’s silky hair, gently rubs his back through two layers of clothing and whispers it will be okay in his ear over and over again until he isn’t sure if he’s saying it out loud anymore or just thinking of it.
Everything will turn out fine. Everything turned out fine for him, too.
Things will turn out fine. They have to.
---
988 words.
Okay so I was in a shitty shitty mood and then this showed up on my twitter page and … I dunno. Forgive me? ;____;
This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to write fic when I’m sick. Or cranky. Or sick and cranky. I can make it up to you somehow? ;__; ♥
Feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
Author:
fonulynRating: PG13
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Would telling about it sooner have changed anything at all in the end? All Kyuhyun knows is that he will always be there, no matter what.
Comments: I’m kind of iffy about this but well, I figured it won’t get any better if I just stare at it brainlessly without doing anything :/ I never write angst, seriously. Never. So this is… weird for me. And I abuse the italics, someone make me stop. And someone cheer me up so I won’t write more angst :/ Or force me write happy things!
The sharp sound of the door slamming shut barely has the time to ring through the air before the first angry words are spat out, without taking the detour through Kyuhyun’s brain first, coming straight from his heart, his gut, wherever the basic feelings reside.
“And you didn’t think it was important enough to tell me about it?” Kyuhyun is nearly shaking and one can see he is angry. More than angry, actually, he is practically raging if the burn in his eyes and the dark tint of red on his skin is anything to go by. He is clenching his fists and for a split second he really, really wants to punch something, slam his fist into the wall right next to Zhou Mi’s face. He can already see those clear eyes widen, the shock written all over the Chinese man’s features and he holds back, knowing he would only make it worse.
At a first glance, Zhou Mi looks calm, almost frighteningly so. Only when one looks more closely it becomes clear how shaken he is as well, how he is worrying his lower lip with his teeth, his fingers fidgeting as he tries hard not to move his hands to grasp something, someone. “It wouldn’t have changed anything. It doesn’t matter.”
Of all the possible words he could’ve picked, those are probably the worst ones.
“It doesn’t matter!?” Kyuhyun nearly shrieks and this time his fist shoots out, colliding painfully with the nightstand and he knows he will regret it later, his knuckles already burning and joints aching. “It’s your voice.” He lets the words sink in for good measure, his eyes flaring up with emotion as he stares right at the other man across the small room. “Of course it matters!”
Zhou Mi doesn’t flinch visibly like he had thought he would, but one can still see how his eyes are a little bit wider, his lips set to a thin line as he levels his jaw stubbornly. He is not backing down. “And what are you going to do about it?” He asks, deliberately slow and steady, emphasizing every single word. “If I had told you earlier, what would you have done?”
“I could’ve made you rest, for god’s sake, stop pushing yourself so hard and – ” Kyuhyun stops in mid-sentence, his lips still parted and his breath catching in his throat. He shakes his head a little bit, biting his lower lip hard – hard enough for it to probably leave a bruise – as he adds the rest silently in his mind I could’ve taken care of you.
I could’ve taken care of you. Please let me take care of you. Please.
He never says it out loud, though. In fact, neither of them says anything and there is a long silence, stretching its icy claws into the room and between them. It’s so suffocating that before long Kyuhyun looks up, nearly freezing in mid-movement when their eyes meet.
“And would I have listened?” Zhou Mi asks softly. His voice is sad, resigned, and yet somehow it feels like he is the one comforting Kyuhyun and not the other way around.
Kyuhyun knows the answer without even thinking of it. “No.” He is aching inside, pain flashing through his chest but he doesn’t let it show, his face a mask of pure blankness. Zhou Mi wouldn’t have listened to him. He wouldn’t have stopped practicing and he wouldn’t have eased up. No matter what Kyuhyun would’ve told him.
But still.
But still, he wants to say, it could be different. It could be easier. It should be. And yet he knows it never will be. This isn’t something they can rewind and try again, and even if they could it might not ever turn like he wants it to.
Kyuhyun looks up again and this time neither of them flinches when their eyes meet. There is something almost scary in Zhou Mi’s eyes, something Kyuhyun can only describe as endless sadness. There is no mask right now, nothing to hide behind and he isn’t pretending to be stronger than he is. Still Kyuhyun expected tears, expected a breakdown of some sort and the lack of one frightens him.
“Zhou Mi,” he begins but he doesn’t get any further before he’s brought face to face with exactly what he thought was missing.
“Do you think it’s easy?” Zhou Mi’s voice cracks in the end of the sentence, as if mocking them and the whole situation. After all, his voice is why they are having the whole conversation in the first place. “Do you think it’s easy,” Zhou Mi repeats after swallowing hard, doing his best to avoid Kyuhyun’s searching gaze, “waking up in the morning and wondering if it’s the last day you’ll ever be able to sing? Or if it’s already the first day when you can’t.”
Something breaks in Kyuhyun’s chest and he can’t hold back anymore, not now. He has no words, he has nothing that could make things better. And while he can’t know how it feels to live in constant fear of losing his voice, he knows how it is to fear, how it is to think everything is lost. He hasn’t always been an optimist but there is a glimmer of hope inside of him that nothing, nothing, has managed to smother.
He steps closer and when he envelopes Zhou Mi into his arms the taller man doesn’t resist, but instead practically curls into the embrace, clutching tight on Kyuhyun’s shirt. He combs his fingers through Zhou Mi’s silky hair, gently rubs his back through two layers of clothing and whispers it will be okay in his ear over and over again until he isn’t sure if he’s saying it out loud anymore or just thinking of it.
Everything will turn out fine. Everything turned out fine for him, too.
Things will turn out fine. They have to.
---
988 words.
Okay so I was in a shitty shitty mood and then this showed up on my twitter page and … I dunno. Forgive me? ;____;
This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to write fic when I’m sick. Or cranky. Or sick and cranky. I can make it up to you somehow? ;__; ♥
Feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
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But thanks for reading! ♥
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and then i noticed this is going to be angst. i don't know if i have the guts to read this, i need happy things ;------;
well okay, i'm gonna read this after TUKSU'S WEDDING tw show thing (... yeah, you can judge me...) so i'm going to leave a proper comment later today. AND I will leave a comment that makes you happy so that you can write fluffy fics from this day on okay? ;---;
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Tuksu's wedding now made me laugh XD I never watched it but god I can imagine how it is! XD And I promise, fluffy and happy fics from now on! ;__;
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BRB --- or maybe not 'cause I'm going to cry forever in a corner ;----------;
No, seriously. I haven't had much time to really think about Zhou Mi's condition, I read about it yesterday and well, it hurts. It hurts and it makes me angry and I still don't really know how I should feel. All I know is it feels like a nightmare.
And this was well written nightmare about what's happening. I wasn't even crying yesterday 'cause the whole thought of Mi really losing his voice just sounds so surreal, but this finally made me cry, and well. I can't say I'm happy about it but you know, crying usually eases pain and this did it for me.
You have amazing skill to write about love and fluff and happy things, but I also knew beforehand that you're good at this genre too. Somehow you can fit that huge amount of emotions there so well that I was barely breathing while reading because it hurt so much. Your writing is ... how should I put it ... It's simple and there's no overdoze of descriptions and that appeals to me. You know how to put these simple words together to create something that really moves something inside me.
And your Kyuhyun. I remember saying this already before, but I'm loving the way you describe him and his actions. I find them realistic and so ... Idek, you write about him the exact way I see him (which made this even harder to read, but that's still good thing, don't worry)
And the way you descirbed Zhou Mi was brilliant too. Well, in masochistic way because it just felt so real. I don't know how to express myself anymore asdfgh. I loved this in a twisted way, okay?
I usually don't read angst, especially qmi!angst but I'm glad read this. It hurt but I'm glad you wrote this and if I could hug you now I so would ;--------------; <3
And I'm going to give you that happy prompt some day when I come up with something adorable enough okay :3
Ah, I almost forgot, I loved the ending! It's beatiful and left me feeling hopeful. So thank you <3
Aaaand this comment may not make sense that much but hopefully it made you a bit happier? :
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I try not to think of it but I guess that it somehow needed a way out and this was my way of handling it? Idk, that's what I think. I feel so helpless and sorry for the poor boy and he so doesn't deserve this :( He deserves happiness and sunshine! I'm glad if it helped you, though. Crying often makes one feel a bit better at least, and I suppose this served its purpose then x)
And I don't know what to say ;__; Thank you ♥ I know I usually go for simple and I've always been like it with my writing (regardless of the language) ever since I learned how to do it (my mom says I'm a mathematical mind and thus straightforward XD but I dunno). Emotion is what I always aim for, and if it's there, I'm doing something right :)
When I began writing the first QMi fic ever I thought Zhou Mi would be so much easier to write than Kyuhyun. But it turned out the exact opposite x) Somehow Kyuhyun writes himself, I swear!
I could use that hug, trust me, but let's settle for a virtual one ;__; ♥ Thank you for reading and giving it a chance! I don't regularly write angst either, so it feels kind of foreign territory to me.
Sure! Just remember that if you ever come up with something you can throw it at me ;)
And oh, I could never write angst with no hope at all XD I'm way too soft for that. And your comment makes perfect sense, thank you so much ♥ I'm still sad for poor Mimi but at the same time smiling because this did cheer me up :) And if I sound incoherent and weird I blame the fact that I'm still sick XD
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I ranted about it to my friends and sister too. It's his health and passion for crying out loud - if he loses that, I don't know what ... aldjfladkjflakladjfl it's not fair. God if this is because SM is forcing him to strain his voice to this atrocious extent, there will be enraged ELFs everywhere. Although sadly, that's not going to do anything to make him feel better.
And I can imagine all too easily Zhou Mi's insistence to sing anyway the stupid boy. No matter what, in the end it's not SM, the ELFs, not even Super Junior that matters; it's him and his health. I'm just so angry at the circumstances that have put him into this situation, and I truly hope that he doesn't have to lose his voice; that would just be so heartless of fate to put him, the rainbow unicorn sunshine boy, through all that heartbreak ;_____________;
Oops sorry for offloading all that on you >>;;
And I really loved your fic - I had initially wanted to write something regarding this too, but you've done an amazing job~
He steps closer and when he envelopes Zhou Mi into his arms the taller man doesn’t resist, but instead practically curls into the embrace, clutching tight on Kyuhyun’s shirt. He combs his fingers through Zhou Mi’s silky hair, gently rubs his back through two layers of clothing and whispers it will be okay in his ear over and over again until he isn’t sure if he’s saying it out loud anymore or just thinking of it. --> I want to cuddle Mimi into oblivion, but I'll give that job to Kyu. Kyuhyun better be by his side comforting him 24/7 ;~~~~;
Thanks for sharing~~ <3
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I just really, really hope for the best and that things work out for him ♥ He deserves happiness!
And don't worry! I don't mind, at all :) And I'm glad that you liked the fic, too! It was really a spur of the moment kind of thing, so it's good to know it worked. Kyuhyun should always be there to cuddle Mimi when needed ;___; ♥
Thank you for reading!
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i'm crying....
I've cried so much reading the news also. He basically overworked himself since he wanted to make everyone happy. So how can there are still people hate him?!!!
He's just too good....to kind for his own sake.
Mimi.......
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I have no idea, the poor boy tries so hard. Although I think just by being himself he should win everyone over, he is just special ♥ People are stupid.
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...but this was so good, i can't even begin to describe how good it is in words. i know you write fluffy, cavity-inducing romantic stories very well, and probably because this is the very first time that i've read your angst, i didn't know you were this good at writing for this genre unnie. you seriously had me tearing up when i realized that you wrote about mimi's condition. this was so realistic, and i kind of can see this happening irl actually-- kyu being so emotionally affected like this and mimi being so helpless and broken and shfkajdfklas i can't even begin to imagine him like that without breaking into tears. ;________________;
I could’ve taken care of you. Please let me take care of you. Please. my most favorite line ever. kyu cares so much about zhou mi, and you need not to be a qmi shipper to see that. seriously.
I AM GETTING MORE AND MORE ENVIOUS OF YOUR STORY TELLING ABILITIES. :/ but mostly, i'm happy to have finally read your angst unnie
that is such a weird thing to say why did i just say thatand can i just repeat how much i love your qmi. you will always have this way of tugging at my heartstrings. always. <33P.S. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAVE A TWITTER. WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THAT TO ME BEFORE. I HAVE ONE TOO AND JAHFKHAFKA WE CAN SPAZZ LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW THERE. /bricked
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I don't usually write angst (since it makes me CRY ;__;) but I think this needed a way out. I was so sad when I heard about Mimi's problems and I was getting all down because of it so I guess I tried to somehow handle it my own weird way. AT LEAST I COULD WRITE KYU HUGGLE MIMI AND CONSOLE HIM. He'll hold him and make him feel better ♥
Thank you so much bb♥ so much. I'm really glad that you liked! And these two are meant to be, angst or not!
YES OH YES! FOLLOW ME. 8D!
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yes, i'm sure he will. it's what kyu does best, after all.
well, aside from being mean and snarky and taking the role of the big bad bully to his hyungsaww. you're always welcome unnie! i'll have to exist in another universe to not like your qmi. WE'VE HAD THIS DISCUSSION BEFORE. SKJFDKAFJAK AT YOU.
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No matter how mean and snarky Kyu is, deep down inside he loves and adores Mimi so much he gets a big softie ♥
I KNOWWWWW~ BUT I'M ALWAYS SO HAPPY TO HEAR YOUR OPINION STILL! ♥
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I started researching vocal cord paralysis. Medicine will allow him to use it, but even so it can be painful. It can be painful to eat which would explain why Zhou Mi looks even skinnier these days. Surgery can fix the vocal cords, but he'd need proper rest afterward or it can go back it's its pre-op state. Zhou Mi really needs to just get a lot of rest, but with SJM promotions and he being a native Mandarin speakers... >"< :[
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It could be, though I do hope that it's not all too painful for the poor boy. Being the only fluent Mandarin speaker doesn't exactly give him a lot of opportunities to rest. Hopefully it'll all turn out fine :(
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I swear if he receives further hate, bitches are going to be cut. As if he didn't have enough to deal with, those people add to the stress he's going through. And seeing him out smile everyone even with all that's going on just makes me want to hug him and tell him how perfect he really is! ♥
Also, hope you're feeling better bb!
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He really is, that he really is! I don't think I could've handed half of what he's been through, much less with a smile. He is precious ♥
Thank you! ♥ I'm almost over the sickness at least, even if it's still lingering. Also, I've been meaning to ask, would you mind if I friended you? :)
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And I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I haven't been feeling well for a while too, totally sucks. And of course you can friend me. I've been meaning to ask for a while, but I tend to be a little shy when it comes to it lol. /o\
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Gosh it seems that almost everyone is sick D: That's not nice at all. heh I'm not always the most forthcoming person either when it comes to asking, but I figured we've talked some and you seem really nice ;) Adding you!
Aw and where is that adorableness from? ♥
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Yeah I know what you mean about everyone getting sick. The kindergarten class I'm doing co-op in are all sick, which is probably where I got it from. I totally blame it on the weather change. And haha aww, you seem really sweet too! :33
I actually have no idea about where that gif comes from, I found it recently on tumblr and was like jh;bgh'dv why so precious Mimi! ;A;
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It's everywhere, and I can't even come up with where I got it from. Too many options x) haha and thanks XD
AWH. IF THAT ISN'T SWEET NOTHING IS! ;___;♥ Oh my god Mimi!
He's like, the sweetest thing ever. Sunshine on a rainy day and so forth ♥
(and I'm too lazy to switch accounts, so using the writing journal to comment XD)
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ANGST <3 omg i'm going to die i totally didn't know about zhou mi's voice and all and now i know I'M JUST GOING CRAZY </3 i'm going to die seriously. he's so positive and hardworking and omfg gtfo only13 fans -.- zomg so incoherent now. apart from that, i love your writing, really. there's like, so much feelings in it and i really can understand the emotion being conveyed <3 i just decided to make an lj today [ been a silent reader for like how long? :3 ] and i swear the first thing i absolutely had to do was comment on this fic <3 AWDFSINBGTFJISAFV INCOHERENT RIGHT NOW I'M SO SORRY. qmi ftw. <3
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Aw and thank you so much! I'm glad to hear you liked it! :D haha no worries about incoherency XD
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No problem <3 *Mems this forever* CONTINUE WRITING QMI PLEASEEE. <3 I'll be reading (; Hahaha I feel so stalkerish. :B