rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 07:33 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 07:33 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Title: New Year's eve
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seinen_no
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kaoru x Kyo
Status: one-shot
Disclaimer: Do I have to? Okay, I own no one and it's all just my dirty imagination. There you go! Happy now?
Summary: Kyo's going to Die's new year's party, although he would've rather not. But somehow he hopes to get a kiss from a certain lead-guitarist at midnight.
comment: Gods, really, this is soooooo fluffy and… I have no words. And yeah, I am aware that I'm not into this pairing. But this was a present for a friend and she at least liked it. Beware, if I remember it right, it was the first fic I ever wrote in English and actually finished. And no, I never let anybody beta it, so you have to deal with my incompetence if you wanna read it. And no again, I didn't re-read it before posting it here. But what do we say in german. "I was young and needed the money!" XD
Oh, and forgive me, but here I had no idea about comma rules in English, so there's way too many. But eh, maybe I change that some time later…
New Year's eve
I was late. Very late.
Desperately, I was waving for a taxi, that just passed me by. Too late, I noticed, that the light was out and thus it was occupied. A few splatters of muddy snow hit me and stained my face and clothing, because I stood close to the street, expecting the car to stop for me, as a paying customer. Bloody hell, why did my car have to decide to break down today? It could have waited just a few more hours...
The guests were supposed to arrive at 10pm and now it's almost 11. Dammit! Initially, I didn't want to go anyways, but the others talked me into it. Some friend of a friend of Die was giving this New Year's party. Even Shin said, he would come and since everybody else would, I couldn't just stay away. Friendship can be a real drag sometimes. I hate new year's. What's the point? An old year passes, another begins and you just get older. I never understood, why everybody was so happy about the ending of a year. As for me, my year was good. Well, it could have been better, but that's nothing new. Humans tend to complain. Even if everything's allright, they keep looking for a reason to whine. I make no difference here.
My mood eclipsed, when my thoughts went to my friends, who would be sitting in this club with their dates for tonight right now. I've had a date. And a really good one too. Toshi and Die kept telling me, that I should date more, or otherwise I would never find the right person to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not too sure, if there is a person, that could bear me for the rest of her life. I lost this romantic imagination about relationship when I was around 17. But I managed to get myself a date. And she was gorgeous.
However, I just asked her out, because I wanted the others to see that I am able to get a girl like this. Usually, I never introduce my girlfriends to the boys. Well, flings would be the better word here, since I didn't have a real relationship in a long time. Toshiya shows his captures like trophys. He changes them like his underwear and sais, he doesn't want to buy a pig in a poke. I could never be this careless. But it fits Toshi. He is a charmer and leaves broken hearts, wherever he steps. It's not his fault though. He is just like this.
I took out my cell phone to call a cab, but all the numbers, I remembered were busy. Fuck! It's almost impossible to get a cab on new year's eve. I would have to walk then or head for the underground. I decided for the latter and walked down the stairs, just to realize, that I wasn't the only one, having this idea. I lined up and waited for the next train to arrive, more or less patiently. I looked at my watch, just to see, that it was already 10 to 11pm. One hour and 10 minutes till midnight and the beginning of the new year. And I will be the only person at this party without a date, without somebody to hug and kiss at midnight. Well, maybe not, because I'm not seeing Shinya with a girl, or a boy.
The train was quicker than I thought and soon, I was walking down the street, that led to the club. It was very cold and I dug my hands deep into the pockets to keep them warm. The night was clear and as I raised my head to glance at the zillions of sparkling stars, I could see my breath rising in a white cloud from my mouth. I paused for a moment, just enjoying the silence, before I would be engulfed by the sticky air of the club, filled with the noise of music and chatting people.
There's still time to call them and make up something, why you are hindered, Kyo. Just do it!
But I couldn't. Something held me off. Maybe the imagination of the disappointed faces of my friends. Maybe, because something deep inside of me wanted to start the new year with my best friends. With Daisuke, Shinya, Toshiya and Kaoru. Kaoru? Yes, with him the most. He was always there, when I needed him during the last year and before as well. Always making sure, that the band keeps on going and taking care of our salvation. He comforted Die, when he suffered from major heartsickness, kept Toshiya from buying some stupid stock, that fell just a week later, he even took care of Miyu, when Shinya had to visit his parents, because his mother was hospitalized and he talked to me, when I was depressed, always making sure, that I didn't do anything stupid. I owe my presence to him. He was so exited about this, when Die invited us. He said, that it would serve the band, something like a good omen for the next year. I sometimes wonder, if he has a privat life. A life besides Dir en grey. He would deserve somebody, who looks after him, cheers him up and takes care, that he doesn't work too much. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure, that he will die on stage, with the guitar in his hands one day.
I turned the corner and saw the bright neonlights of the bar from afar already. The bouncer threw a suspicious glance at me, but when I took off my hat, he let me pass without asking questions. I entered the hall. Damped music was to be heard and a cluster of smoky hot air greeted me and made me gasp for a moment. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and entered the room.
The fist thing I saw, was a bunch of strangers dancing, drinking and chatting. Again, I looked at my watch. 15 minutes past 11. I stood there a little lost, looking for some familiar faces or a redhead. It was in vain. Too many people filled this room, so I slowly made my way threw them. Some tapped on my shoulder and greeted me, as if I should have known them. Then I smiled and nodded back, but kept on moving. Huge crowds make me feel uncomfortable. The heat was enormous and so I got rid of my jacket and carried it. Nervously, I dug my cigarettes out of the inner pocket and lit one instantly.
Finally I spotted a certain thin drummer on a couch in one corner of the room. As he saw me, Shinya waved and smiled. I picked up the pace and nearly jogged over to him, feeling relieved, that I've finally found one of the guys. As I passed by another group of people, that were concealing the other end of the couch, I beheld Kaoru, being immersed in a conversation with a guy, I didn't recognize. Shortly after I spotted him, he turned his head and looked at me in a way, I cannot describe. It wasn't one of his 'you-are-late-and-I'm-going-to-kill-you-right-now-and-serve-your-head-on-a-silver-plate' looks. He looked ... relieved? He and Shin raised to their feet and came closer to welcome me.
"You're late," Kao smiled warmly and pulled me into a short embrace. "I'm sorry," I answered directly to his ear, because the noise of the music drowned nearly every spoken word. Shinya just greeted me with a short "Hi" and then said something like he would have to go and look after his date. ...His date?
Dammit, then I really was the only one without. I was curious, how his date would look like. "He has a date?" I stood on tiptoe, so that Kao would be able to understand my question. He nodded and smiled conspiratorial. "Yes, you should see her..." he added with a certain undertone in his voice. "Her?" Somehow I was astonished, that our drummer showed up with a girl. I mean, I always believed him to be gay, since he never talked to us about his sexual preferences. He totally kept us in the dark about this topic, so everybody got his own picture.
Kaoru snickered and quickly covered his mouth with his hand. "Die still accepts bets," he chuckled and threw a meaningul glance at me. "What?" I didn't understand. "About the sex," he went on, still chorteling. I wondered, how much he had already drunk. "Of his date?" I ascertained. "Yeah! Just look at ... it ... and you'll know." I had to laugh and suddenly, my mood brightened. Kao's ditzyness was so contagious, that I relaxed instantly. "Want a drink?" he asked and shoved a bottle of beer into my hand without waiting for an answer. I took a huge sip and looked at my watch again. Half past 11. "C'mon, I'll show you," suddenly, Kaoru clasped my free hand and dragged me after him, adroitly leading me through the crowd. When I bumped into some people here and there, all I could do is but smile excusatory, since I was quickly pulled along.
Kaoru halted so suddenly, that I nearly ran into him. He turned around, bent down to my ear and wispered: "Three o' clock. Right next to Shin-chan." I tried to look inconspicously into the shown direction. Now I understood! Our drummer's date was tall and blessed with broad shoulders and wore short black hair. It was turning the back to me, so that I couldn't see the face. They were standing on the counter, obviously ordering some drinks. Kaoru and I joined them and I smiled sneakyly at Shinya, asking: "Don't you want to introduce us?" Shin stuttered a little helpless: "Well yes, Kyo, this is Nozomi, Nozomi, Kyo." He made the usual handgestures and as I looked onto Nozomi's chest, I was convinced, that she was female, since her face didn't give her way. She gave me her hand and squeezed mine so hard, that it hurt. I didn't show it, of course.
Kaoru had meanwhile ordered two beers for us and stepped back from the counter. "We gotta go, see you in half an hour ne?" Shinya just nodded and I noticed a slight blush on his pale cheeks. How cute! "So?" Kao asked after we made our way back to the couch, "What do you think?" "Female, I guess. I'm not too certain." He laughed. "Well, do you want to place a bet?" "Sure!" He stormed to another part of the room, where I spotted Die, sitting on a couch with a long legged blond girl. He never has problems, finding a date. Almost like Toshiya, but his relationships usually last longer. I wish, I had one percent of his charm. That would totally be sufficient for me. "Die," Kao yelled from a little distance already. The readhead turned around and gave us one of his megawatt smiles. "Kyo, so I see, you finally made it here? Where's your date?" he asked, raising one eyebrow. Thanks Die, that wasn't nessecary. "I haven't brought one," I mumbled and suddenly the floor bore an enormous attraction to me. The younger guitarrist snickered. "Well, then you and Kao have something in common." I looked up in astonishment, and met the glance of our oldest, who looked away quickly. Then he adressed the redhead: "Thanks for reminding me, asshole!" He gave Die a lackadaisical smack on the upper arm. "Uhh, stop, you're hurting me," Die yelled theatrically, pouted and rubbed the spot. "Don't be silly," Kaoru snorted, "Why we're here, Kyo wants to place a bet." "Really? Cool! 5.000 Yen and you're in." Die pulled out a little notepad and wrote my name and my guess on it. I didn't want to know, how he was going to find out the truth and proove it. "You two should mingle and find somebody for your good-luck-kiss at midnight. You only have a few minutes left. See you on the roof to watch the fireworks ne!"
I sighed deeply, but I turned around and Kaoru followed me. It was then, that I noticed not having seen Toshiya anywhere. "Oi Kao, where's Toshi?" "Dunno, he disappeared with a girl like 20 minutes before you arrived," he shrugged his shoulders, "Guess, they were looking for some place more 'quiet'," he added with a meaningful grin.
Gods, this is like hell. At least, I'm not the only one without a date, although I would have never imagined, that our leader would be the one joining me in this. "Why haven't you brought somebody?" I asked forthright. "Counterquestion, why haven't you?" "Well," I thought for one moment about telling a walloping lie, but I ditched the thought as fast as it came up, "she called off in the last moment." I admitted ashamed. I didn't know, why this embarrassed me so much. "Haha, mine too," Kaoru chuckled with sparkling eyes, "So, if we don't find somebody in ... well," he looked at this watch, "about 12 minutes, we're doomed to start the new year without a kiss for good luck." "If you say so," I'm pretty sure, that he couldn't hear my words, but somehow, he did. He looked at the ceiling and seemed to ponder. "We would still have us, if we don't succeed," he chuckled and poked out his tounge at me. "Which reminds me," I tipped with my index-finger on my watch, "that I really gotta go on a quest right now." I said, louder than nessecary. Kao just smiled and nodded. Then he turned around and made his way through the crowd.
I was lying. I didn't have the intention to desperately look for somebody. This would have been very pathetic and I didn't want to start the year with such a deed. I didn't see the need of hugging and kissing a just anybody at midnight. I mean, you are getting lots of hugs and kisses afterwards, accompanied by best wishes. I was just mad, that the girl, I asked out, called off without giving a specific reason. Probably, she's found someone better or a better party, what do I know. I would still have my friends around me.
So I made my way to the roof already to wait for this day to pass away. As I opened the door, I saw Toshiya, standing there alone, smoking a cigarette. "Toshi," I waved from afar and put on my jacket, because it was freezing cold. "Kyo!" he smiled warmly, "Where the hell have you been? You're always late." "I know, sorry. Alone?" "Yes, just needed some silence. It's really loud down there ne?" I nodded, lit a cigarette and inhaled the smoke gratefully. So we just stood there, side by side, smoking and looking into the sky.
Toshiya seemed to be lost in thoughts, but he was interrupted by a girl, that hugged him from behind, kissing his neck. He put one arm around her and smiled at me without saying something. The door opened at frequent intervals now and soon, the roof was crowded with people. I watched the door, searching for Kaoru, but I couldn't spot him. I was pretty sure, that he'd find a gorgeous girl, who just dumped her accompaniment or was dumped, just waiting for him as her rescuer.
Suddenly, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and turned around, just to look into Die's grinning face. "Na Kyo-kun, didn't find a girl?" I growled some curses and showed him my middle finger, just to stop him. "Ah, don't be so bitchy. I didn't mean it." "I'm not bitchy," I replied, forcing a grin on my lips, "I just don't like to be touched," I added with a death-glare at his hand, that still lay on my shoulder. The redhead retreated chuckling. He knew, that I wouldn't mean no harm and that was a pity. In the old days, I could have made him do anything, with such a glare, but not anymore. At last, he figured me out. Somebody called his name and he nodded at me and left.
Again, I looked at my watch. 23:56. Four minutes to go. The roof was filled with nearly all the people from inside by now. Somehow, I lost track of Toshiya, so I was left alone again. Carefully, I made my way through the people, to the side of the roof, where even a small person like me could see something. "Ah Kyo, I'm here!" A deep voice shouted from a distance. I turned my head and scanned the people, searching for the voice, that definetely belonged to Kaoru. I spotted him, leaning smoking with his back on the fence that encircled the roof so that nobody would get the idea of trying to commit suicide. I strolled over to him, inwardly being thankful, that I didn't see a girl by his side. I wondered why this really made me happy at this moment.
"I've been looking for you everywhere," he greeted me and offered me a cigarette, "After a while, I decided to wait for the mountain to come to Mohammed, so I just waited." His eyes were sparkling brigthter than the stars above. I accepted his offer and smiled cockyly "You just only knew I was the only one without a date and wanted to take advantage of that!" "Maybe," he admitted and stepped a little closer. "Should I give away a secret?" he asked close to my ear with a raspy voice. I was stunned. I had no idea what just had happened, but all of a sudden I was tense and my knees seemed to be made of rubber. I blamed the freezing cold that my hands felt like ice-cubes and my mouth was so dry I couldn't get a word over my lips. So I just nodded. Kaoru smiled and advanced even closer so that I felt his hot breath brush over my ear and neck. Goosebumps grew all over my body and hot and cold shivers were running down my spine.
In the moment, Kaoru opened his mouth and said something, the crowd around us started to count "10..." I didn't understand a word anymore, "9...", Kaoru still talked to me, "8.." He stopped and looked questioning right into my eyes, "8..." I shrugged my shoulders, "7..." his smile faded, "6..." I felt helpless, what did he just say? "5..." He looked horrified, "4..." What was I supposed to do? "3..." His eyes filled with tears and my heart skipped a few beats. "2..." I followed an impulse, launched forward and clung my arms around his neck, "1..." He tightened his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, bending down a bit, "0...", our lips met and we kissed. Shyly, but it was a real kiss. "HAPPY NEW YEAR" The firework started, but Kaoru and I still stood there, entangled in a deep embrace. I never felt this way before, so secure and so ... happy. The warmth of his body, his scent, made me forget where we were, whom I was embracing, whom I was kissing once more right there on the roof. Only for a milisecond did I fear, that this could just be some kind of twisted dream, that I soon would awake from, or that Kaoru would smack me right in the face for daring to kiss him, but the smooth movements of his lips against mine, that were replying to my kiss, made the worries useless.
Slowly, Kaoru detached from his embrace and stepped next to me, one arm wrapped around my waist, he pointed into the sky, that was enlightened in thousands of colours by a display of fireworks. I watched him from the corner of my eyes, seeing the reflection of the bright lights in his. His mouth curled up in a blessedly smile. I still wondered what he was trying to tell me, but I was interrupted by a hard smack on my shoulder which obviously came from Die. Kaoru and I turned around and saw our three bandmates standing in front of us, cheeks blushed and huge grins all over their faces. Toshi launched at me instantly, hugging me like a stuffed animal "Happy new year Kyo." I recieved a small peck on the forehead and then he turned to Kao, treating him the same way. Shin came up to me and wished me all the best for this year. He wasn't as enthusiastic as our bassist, but he meant it with all his heart.
Die spread wide his arms and waited for me to embrace him. He chuckled a bit and chortled: "So I see, you've finally found somebody." I felt my cheeks blushing and the heat raise to my head. "I guess so," I whispered, feeling a bit ashamed that it was me who got caught kissing a man. "Don't worry," Die's voice was tender and he wasn't joking as he went on, "You make a great couple." With that, he let go off me and turned to Kaoru who was staring at us with a strange expression on his face. I saw that Die gave him a peck on his lips and dragged him away a bit, obviously to talk to him in private.
Toshi embraced me from behind, layed his head on my shoulder and cradled me like a little child. "Im glad for you," he said with a serious undertone in his voice, "You deserve a little happyness the most." He kissed my cheek and fell silent. I didn't know what to say. I was feeling so nervous all of a sudden. My whole life turned upside down at a moment's notice and I didn't know what to make of it. Were Kaoru and I a couple? Just after sharing one, well two, kisses? Only god, if he existed, knew that I wished it with my whole heart. I asked myself if Kaoru was feeling as insecure right now as me. I was falling in love with him. With all the consequences that go along with that. But did it start just today? Maybe I always was and just needed this to get my feelings straight. "You are thinking too much," Toshi whispered into my ear, as if he guessed my thoughts, "You'll see. Everything will be fine. He loves you too." I turned around to face the blackhaired bassist and gazed at him with a rather featherbrained expression that made him smile. "How .. why?" I couldn't find the right words. Shinya advanced on my other side. "Die told us," he explained, facing the ground. Die? I turned around and saw Die and Kaoru standing a few feet away. The redhead embraced Kaoru, constantly whispering something into his ear. Kao nodded from time to time, then whiped his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket and detached from Die, walking back into our direction.
Suddenly, Toshi's old self was back. He jumped up and down, grabbed Shinya by his wrist and pulled him away from me, heading for Die. "Shin, we haven't wished Matsumoto a happy new year yet. We will have to make up for that now." It was so obvious that he just wanted to let Kaoru and me talk alone, but I apreciated it. I apreciated everything he just did and said.
Kaoru drew nearer very slowly, as if he had to contemplate some things, before he reached me. Die joined Shinya and Toshi and they disappeared together, seeking the warmth inside the building like most of the other people outside. I didn't feel the cold, just blood rushing through my veins, the heartbeat that kept it flowing, thundering in my ears as I watched him aproach me. Every muscle inside me stiffend. 'He loves you too' Toshiya had said. Was that the truth? And if it was, did I love him? Falling in love with somebody is an entirely different thing from loving somebody.
My heart skipped a few beats, as Kaoru stopped just a few inches away from me and I noticed the trace of tears on his blushed cheeks and the redness of his eyes that were gazing into mine. I couldn't help but stretch out my hands and cup his face, rubbing it softly with my thumbs. He winced because of my cold fingers, but he didn't recede. "Kao, why did you cry?" I asked worried. Worried, because I never saw him cry before. Worried, because I knew it was my fault. Worried, because I didn't know what to do. "It's nothing," he said, laying his hands over mine that still held his face. I shivered, just because of their warmth. "Kaoru," I said in a demanding tone although I merely whispered, because any louder spoken word would give away that my voice was trembling terribly, "please." He took hold of my hands, removed them from his cheeks, but didn't let go and inhaled deeply, yet he didn't answer. Instead, he gently led me away from our spot where we were still surrounded by some strangers. I didn't mind them, I didn't care about what they might think, but I followed him because it mattered to him. He looked so helpless and desperate, it reached out right for my heart and grabbed it with icy fingers that seemed to stop it from beating any moment. He halted behind some superstructures where we were alone and it was more or less quiet.
He still didn't make any attempt to talk to me, so I began. "It's because, what you've said to me during the count-down!?" My voice was now quivering obviously and before he could answer, I tried to explain, "I didn't understand a word then. I didn't intend to hurt you, you must believe me! I should have told you before, but then the guys showed up and I was distracted. I was so confused and now, I'm feeling so insecure. But I don't want you to cry because of me. Kaoru, do you hear me? I ... I ..." A lump in my throat made me stop and the firing behind my eyelids told me that I was about to cry any second. My sight got blurred by the rising tears. The burning fires of hell would have been a comfortable place for me to be at that moment. Why didn't he say something? At least, he could have yelled at me or shoved me for being the idiot that I am. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he smiled. It confused me so much that I took some steps back while his smile grew broader every second, his eyes flashing up, showing so many emotions at the same time, that I couldn't figure them out. "I know." Finally, he said something. At last! I sighed, half relieved.
I opened my mouth to reply something, but he stopped me with a simple hand-gesture. "I know you didn't intend to hurt me. Well, I know now," he admitted shyly, "And I am going to repeat the words I said during the count-down, so that you have the chance...," he hesitated and seemed to look for the right way to put it, "to correct your answer, ok?" His confidence grew while he spoke and by the time he ended his little speech he had found back to his old self, the leader of a famous band who wanted to settle something that had gone awfully wrong. My head nodded on its own accord. It was like I have left my body and was watching this scene from a distance.
Slowly, Kaoru began to speak.
"10... I came here without a date on purpose , because I knew, well desperately hoped, that you wouldn't have one either and I wanted to take my chances.
9... I love you Kyo, alsways have, ever will. Is there a chance that you have feelings for me as well?" Again, he looked inquiring into my eyes.
Without hesitating and without thinking, I replied.
"8... Yes, there is!" I beamed at him and stepped a little closer.
"7...", he murmured with a ravishingly beautiful smile on his face.
"6..." I clung my arms around him, pulling him close with a blissful feeling that surched up inside of me, soon capturing me with an intensity I have never felt before.
"5..." he swung his arms around my neck, pulling me close, until our faces were just half an inch away.
"4..." I whispered, drowning in his beautiful black eyes, trying to compass every aspect of his features in my heart and soul.
"3... I love you Kyo." His hot breath washed over my face, swirling around my neck, causing shivers to run down my spine.
"2... I love you too, Kaoru."
Finally this was my answer to the question I asked myself sometime before. Yes, I loved Kaoru and at this moment, on the roof, during the first hour of the new year, I finally became aware of it. It was always hidden inside me and now, it struck me like lightning. Everything made perfect sense to me now. The reason why I never fell in love was that I already loved somebody, I just didn't realize it before.
"1..." His lips met mine in a tender kiss that was far too short for my taste. "Happy new year, Kyo," was all Kaoru could bring out, before I sealed his lips again with a hungy kiss.
Author:
seinen_noRating: PG
Pairing: Kaoru x Kyo
Status: one-shot
Disclaimer: Do I have to? Okay, I own no one and it's all just my dirty imagination. There you go! Happy now?
Summary: Kyo's going to Die's new year's party, although he would've rather not. But somehow he hopes to get a kiss from a certain lead-guitarist at midnight.
comment: Gods, really, this is soooooo fluffy and… I have no words. And yeah, I am aware that I'm not into this pairing. But this was a present for a friend and she at least liked it. Beware, if I remember it right, it was the first fic I ever wrote in English and actually finished. And no, I never let anybody beta it, so you have to deal with my incompetence if you wanna read it. And no again, I didn't re-read it before posting it here. But what do we say in german. "I was young and needed the money!" XD
Oh, and forgive me, but here I had no idea about comma rules in English, so there's way too many. But eh, maybe I change that some time later…
New Year's eve
I was late. Very late.
Desperately, I was waving for a taxi, that just passed me by. Too late, I noticed, that the light was out and thus it was occupied. A few splatters of muddy snow hit me and stained my face and clothing, because I stood close to the street, expecting the car to stop for me, as a paying customer. Bloody hell, why did my car have to decide to break down today? It could have waited just a few more hours...
The guests were supposed to arrive at 10pm and now it's almost 11. Dammit! Initially, I didn't want to go anyways, but the others talked me into it. Some friend of a friend of Die was giving this New Year's party. Even Shin said, he would come and since everybody else would, I couldn't just stay away. Friendship can be a real drag sometimes. I hate new year's. What's the point? An old year passes, another begins and you just get older. I never understood, why everybody was so happy about the ending of a year. As for me, my year was good. Well, it could have been better, but that's nothing new. Humans tend to complain. Even if everything's allright, they keep looking for a reason to whine. I make no difference here.
My mood eclipsed, when my thoughts went to my friends, who would be sitting in this club with their dates for tonight right now. I've had a date. And a really good one too. Toshi and Die kept telling me, that I should date more, or otherwise I would never find the right person to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not too sure, if there is a person, that could bear me for the rest of her life. I lost this romantic imagination about relationship when I was around 17. But I managed to get myself a date. And she was gorgeous.
However, I just asked her out, because I wanted the others to see that I am able to get a girl like this. Usually, I never introduce my girlfriends to the boys. Well, flings would be the better word here, since I didn't have a real relationship in a long time. Toshiya shows his captures like trophys. He changes them like his underwear and sais, he doesn't want to buy a pig in a poke. I could never be this careless. But it fits Toshi. He is a charmer and leaves broken hearts, wherever he steps. It's not his fault though. He is just like this.
I took out my cell phone to call a cab, but all the numbers, I remembered were busy. Fuck! It's almost impossible to get a cab on new year's eve. I would have to walk then or head for the underground. I decided for the latter and walked down the stairs, just to realize, that I wasn't the only one, having this idea. I lined up and waited for the next train to arrive, more or less patiently. I looked at my watch, just to see, that it was already 10 to 11pm. One hour and 10 minutes till midnight and the beginning of the new year. And I will be the only person at this party without a date, without somebody to hug and kiss at midnight. Well, maybe not, because I'm not seeing Shinya with a girl, or a boy.
The train was quicker than I thought and soon, I was walking down the street, that led to the club. It was very cold and I dug my hands deep into the pockets to keep them warm. The night was clear and as I raised my head to glance at the zillions of sparkling stars, I could see my breath rising in a white cloud from my mouth. I paused for a moment, just enjoying the silence, before I would be engulfed by the sticky air of the club, filled with the noise of music and chatting people.
There's still time to call them and make up something, why you are hindered, Kyo. Just do it!
But I couldn't. Something held me off. Maybe the imagination of the disappointed faces of my friends. Maybe, because something deep inside of me wanted to start the new year with my best friends. With Daisuke, Shinya, Toshiya and Kaoru. Kaoru? Yes, with him the most. He was always there, when I needed him during the last year and before as well. Always making sure, that the band keeps on going and taking care of our salvation. He comforted Die, when he suffered from major heartsickness, kept Toshiya from buying some stupid stock, that fell just a week later, he even took care of Miyu, when Shinya had to visit his parents, because his mother was hospitalized and he talked to me, when I was depressed, always making sure, that I didn't do anything stupid. I owe my presence to him. He was so exited about this, when Die invited us. He said, that it would serve the band, something like a good omen for the next year. I sometimes wonder, if he has a privat life. A life besides Dir en grey. He would deserve somebody, who looks after him, cheers him up and takes care, that he doesn't work too much. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure, that he will die on stage, with the guitar in his hands one day.
I turned the corner and saw the bright neonlights of the bar from afar already. The bouncer threw a suspicious glance at me, but when I took off my hat, he let me pass without asking questions. I entered the hall. Damped music was to be heard and a cluster of smoky hot air greeted me and made me gasp for a moment. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and entered the room.
The fist thing I saw, was a bunch of strangers dancing, drinking and chatting. Again, I looked at my watch. 15 minutes past 11. I stood there a little lost, looking for some familiar faces or a redhead. It was in vain. Too many people filled this room, so I slowly made my way threw them. Some tapped on my shoulder and greeted me, as if I should have known them. Then I smiled and nodded back, but kept on moving. Huge crowds make me feel uncomfortable. The heat was enormous and so I got rid of my jacket and carried it. Nervously, I dug my cigarettes out of the inner pocket and lit one instantly.
Finally I spotted a certain thin drummer on a couch in one corner of the room. As he saw me, Shinya waved and smiled. I picked up the pace and nearly jogged over to him, feeling relieved, that I've finally found one of the guys. As I passed by another group of people, that were concealing the other end of the couch, I beheld Kaoru, being immersed in a conversation with a guy, I didn't recognize. Shortly after I spotted him, he turned his head and looked at me in a way, I cannot describe. It wasn't one of his 'you-are-late-and-I'm-going-to-kill-you-right-now-and-serve-your-head-on-a-silver-plate' looks. He looked ... relieved? He and Shin raised to their feet and came closer to welcome me.
"You're late," Kao smiled warmly and pulled me into a short embrace. "I'm sorry," I answered directly to his ear, because the noise of the music drowned nearly every spoken word. Shinya just greeted me with a short "Hi" and then said something like he would have to go and look after his date. ...His date?
Dammit, then I really was the only one without. I was curious, how his date would look like. "He has a date?" I stood on tiptoe, so that Kao would be able to understand my question. He nodded and smiled conspiratorial. "Yes, you should see her..." he added with a certain undertone in his voice. "Her?" Somehow I was astonished, that our drummer showed up with a girl. I mean, I always believed him to be gay, since he never talked to us about his sexual preferences. He totally kept us in the dark about this topic, so everybody got his own picture.
Kaoru snickered and quickly covered his mouth with his hand. "Die still accepts bets," he chuckled and threw a meaningul glance at me. "What?" I didn't understand. "About the sex," he went on, still chorteling. I wondered, how much he had already drunk. "Of his date?" I ascertained. "Yeah! Just look at ... it ... and you'll know." I had to laugh and suddenly, my mood brightened. Kao's ditzyness was so contagious, that I relaxed instantly. "Want a drink?" he asked and shoved a bottle of beer into my hand without waiting for an answer. I took a huge sip and looked at my watch again. Half past 11. "C'mon, I'll show you," suddenly, Kaoru clasped my free hand and dragged me after him, adroitly leading me through the crowd. When I bumped into some people here and there, all I could do is but smile excusatory, since I was quickly pulled along.
Kaoru halted so suddenly, that I nearly ran into him. He turned around, bent down to my ear and wispered: "Three o' clock. Right next to Shin-chan." I tried to look inconspicously into the shown direction. Now I understood! Our drummer's date was tall and blessed with broad shoulders and wore short black hair. It was turning the back to me, so that I couldn't see the face. They were standing on the counter, obviously ordering some drinks. Kaoru and I joined them and I smiled sneakyly at Shinya, asking: "Don't you want to introduce us?" Shin stuttered a little helpless: "Well yes, Kyo, this is Nozomi, Nozomi, Kyo." He made the usual handgestures and as I looked onto Nozomi's chest, I was convinced, that she was female, since her face didn't give her way. She gave me her hand and squeezed mine so hard, that it hurt. I didn't show it, of course.
Kaoru had meanwhile ordered two beers for us and stepped back from the counter. "We gotta go, see you in half an hour ne?" Shinya just nodded and I noticed a slight blush on his pale cheeks. How cute! "So?" Kao asked after we made our way back to the couch, "What do you think?" "Female, I guess. I'm not too certain." He laughed. "Well, do you want to place a bet?" "Sure!" He stormed to another part of the room, where I spotted Die, sitting on a couch with a long legged blond girl. He never has problems, finding a date. Almost like Toshiya, but his relationships usually last longer. I wish, I had one percent of his charm. That would totally be sufficient for me. "Die," Kao yelled from a little distance already. The readhead turned around and gave us one of his megawatt smiles. "Kyo, so I see, you finally made it here? Where's your date?" he asked, raising one eyebrow. Thanks Die, that wasn't nessecary. "I haven't brought one," I mumbled and suddenly the floor bore an enormous attraction to me. The younger guitarrist snickered. "Well, then you and Kao have something in common." I looked up in astonishment, and met the glance of our oldest, who looked away quickly. Then he adressed the redhead: "Thanks for reminding me, asshole!" He gave Die a lackadaisical smack on the upper arm. "Uhh, stop, you're hurting me," Die yelled theatrically, pouted and rubbed the spot. "Don't be silly," Kaoru snorted, "Why we're here, Kyo wants to place a bet." "Really? Cool! 5.000 Yen and you're in." Die pulled out a little notepad and wrote my name and my guess on it. I didn't want to know, how he was going to find out the truth and proove it. "You two should mingle and find somebody for your good-luck-kiss at midnight. You only have a few minutes left. See you on the roof to watch the fireworks ne!"
I sighed deeply, but I turned around and Kaoru followed me. It was then, that I noticed not having seen Toshiya anywhere. "Oi Kao, where's Toshi?" "Dunno, he disappeared with a girl like 20 minutes before you arrived," he shrugged his shoulders, "Guess, they were looking for some place more 'quiet'," he added with a meaningful grin.
Gods, this is like hell. At least, I'm not the only one without a date, although I would have never imagined, that our leader would be the one joining me in this. "Why haven't you brought somebody?" I asked forthright. "Counterquestion, why haven't you?" "Well," I thought for one moment about telling a walloping lie, but I ditched the thought as fast as it came up, "she called off in the last moment." I admitted ashamed. I didn't know, why this embarrassed me so much. "Haha, mine too," Kaoru chuckled with sparkling eyes, "So, if we don't find somebody in ... well," he looked at this watch, "about 12 minutes, we're doomed to start the new year without a kiss for good luck." "If you say so," I'm pretty sure, that he couldn't hear my words, but somehow, he did. He looked at the ceiling and seemed to ponder. "We would still have us, if we don't succeed," he chuckled and poked out his tounge at me. "Which reminds me," I tipped with my index-finger on my watch, "that I really gotta go on a quest right now." I said, louder than nessecary. Kao just smiled and nodded. Then he turned around and made his way through the crowd.
I was lying. I didn't have the intention to desperately look for somebody. This would have been very pathetic and I didn't want to start the year with such a deed. I didn't see the need of hugging and kissing a just anybody at midnight. I mean, you are getting lots of hugs and kisses afterwards, accompanied by best wishes. I was just mad, that the girl, I asked out, called off without giving a specific reason. Probably, she's found someone better or a better party, what do I know. I would still have my friends around me.
So I made my way to the roof already to wait for this day to pass away. As I opened the door, I saw Toshiya, standing there alone, smoking a cigarette. "Toshi," I waved from afar and put on my jacket, because it was freezing cold. "Kyo!" he smiled warmly, "Where the hell have you been? You're always late." "I know, sorry. Alone?" "Yes, just needed some silence. It's really loud down there ne?" I nodded, lit a cigarette and inhaled the smoke gratefully. So we just stood there, side by side, smoking and looking into the sky.
Toshiya seemed to be lost in thoughts, but he was interrupted by a girl, that hugged him from behind, kissing his neck. He put one arm around her and smiled at me without saying something. The door opened at frequent intervals now and soon, the roof was crowded with people. I watched the door, searching for Kaoru, but I couldn't spot him. I was pretty sure, that he'd find a gorgeous girl, who just dumped her accompaniment or was dumped, just waiting for him as her rescuer.
Suddenly, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and turned around, just to look into Die's grinning face. "Na Kyo-kun, didn't find a girl?" I growled some curses and showed him my middle finger, just to stop him. "Ah, don't be so bitchy. I didn't mean it." "I'm not bitchy," I replied, forcing a grin on my lips, "I just don't like to be touched," I added with a death-glare at his hand, that still lay on my shoulder. The redhead retreated chuckling. He knew, that I wouldn't mean no harm and that was a pity. In the old days, I could have made him do anything, with such a glare, but not anymore. At last, he figured me out. Somebody called his name and he nodded at me and left.
Again, I looked at my watch. 23:56. Four minutes to go. The roof was filled with nearly all the people from inside by now. Somehow, I lost track of Toshiya, so I was left alone again. Carefully, I made my way through the people, to the side of the roof, where even a small person like me could see something. "Ah Kyo, I'm here!" A deep voice shouted from a distance. I turned my head and scanned the people, searching for the voice, that definetely belonged to Kaoru. I spotted him, leaning smoking with his back on the fence that encircled the roof so that nobody would get the idea of trying to commit suicide. I strolled over to him, inwardly being thankful, that I didn't see a girl by his side. I wondered why this really made me happy at this moment.
"I've been looking for you everywhere," he greeted me and offered me a cigarette, "After a while, I decided to wait for the mountain to come to Mohammed, so I just waited." His eyes were sparkling brigthter than the stars above. I accepted his offer and smiled cockyly "You just only knew I was the only one without a date and wanted to take advantage of that!" "Maybe," he admitted and stepped a little closer. "Should I give away a secret?" he asked close to my ear with a raspy voice. I was stunned. I had no idea what just had happened, but all of a sudden I was tense and my knees seemed to be made of rubber. I blamed the freezing cold that my hands felt like ice-cubes and my mouth was so dry I couldn't get a word over my lips. So I just nodded. Kaoru smiled and advanced even closer so that I felt his hot breath brush over my ear and neck. Goosebumps grew all over my body and hot and cold shivers were running down my spine.
In the moment, Kaoru opened his mouth and said something, the crowd around us started to count "10..." I didn't understand a word anymore, "9...", Kaoru still talked to me, "8.." He stopped and looked questioning right into my eyes, "8..." I shrugged my shoulders, "7..." his smile faded, "6..." I felt helpless, what did he just say? "5..." He looked horrified, "4..." What was I supposed to do? "3..." His eyes filled with tears and my heart skipped a few beats. "2..." I followed an impulse, launched forward and clung my arms around his neck, "1..." He tightened his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, bending down a bit, "0...", our lips met and we kissed. Shyly, but it was a real kiss. "HAPPY NEW YEAR" The firework started, but Kaoru and I still stood there, entangled in a deep embrace. I never felt this way before, so secure and so ... happy. The warmth of his body, his scent, made me forget where we were, whom I was embracing, whom I was kissing once more right there on the roof. Only for a milisecond did I fear, that this could just be some kind of twisted dream, that I soon would awake from, or that Kaoru would smack me right in the face for daring to kiss him, but the smooth movements of his lips against mine, that were replying to my kiss, made the worries useless.
Slowly, Kaoru detached from his embrace and stepped next to me, one arm wrapped around my waist, he pointed into the sky, that was enlightened in thousands of colours by a display of fireworks. I watched him from the corner of my eyes, seeing the reflection of the bright lights in his. His mouth curled up in a blessedly smile. I still wondered what he was trying to tell me, but I was interrupted by a hard smack on my shoulder which obviously came from Die. Kaoru and I turned around and saw our three bandmates standing in front of us, cheeks blushed and huge grins all over their faces. Toshi launched at me instantly, hugging me like a stuffed animal "Happy new year Kyo." I recieved a small peck on the forehead and then he turned to Kao, treating him the same way. Shin came up to me and wished me all the best for this year. He wasn't as enthusiastic as our bassist, but he meant it with all his heart.
Die spread wide his arms and waited for me to embrace him. He chuckled a bit and chortled: "So I see, you've finally found somebody." I felt my cheeks blushing and the heat raise to my head. "I guess so," I whispered, feeling a bit ashamed that it was me who got caught kissing a man. "Don't worry," Die's voice was tender and he wasn't joking as he went on, "You make a great couple." With that, he let go off me and turned to Kaoru who was staring at us with a strange expression on his face. I saw that Die gave him a peck on his lips and dragged him away a bit, obviously to talk to him in private.
Toshi embraced me from behind, layed his head on my shoulder and cradled me like a little child. "Im glad for you," he said with a serious undertone in his voice, "You deserve a little happyness the most." He kissed my cheek and fell silent. I didn't know what to say. I was feeling so nervous all of a sudden. My whole life turned upside down at a moment's notice and I didn't know what to make of it. Were Kaoru and I a couple? Just after sharing one, well two, kisses? Only god, if he existed, knew that I wished it with my whole heart. I asked myself if Kaoru was feeling as insecure right now as me. I was falling in love with him. With all the consequences that go along with that. But did it start just today? Maybe I always was and just needed this to get my feelings straight. "You are thinking too much," Toshi whispered into my ear, as if he guessed my thoughts, "You'll see. Everything will be fine. He loves you too." I turned around to face the blackhaired bassist and gazed at him with a rather featherbrained expression that made him smile. "How .. why?" I couldn't find the right words. Shinya advanced on my other side. "Die told us," he explained, facing the ground. Die? I turned around and saw Die and Kaoru standing a few feet away. The redhead embraced Kaoru, constantly whispering something into his ear. Kao nodded from time to time, then whiped his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket and detached from Die, walking back into our direction.
Suddenly, Toshi's old self was back. He jumped up and down, grabbed Shinya by his wrist and pulled him away from me, heading for Die. "Shin, we haven't wished Matsumoto a happy new year yet. We will have to make up for that now." It was so obvious that he just wanted to let Kaoru and me talk alone, but I apreciated it. I apreciated everything he just did and said.
Kaoru drew nearer very slowly, as if he had to contemplate some things, before he reached me. Die joined Shinya and Toshi and they disappeared together, seeking the warmth inside the building like most of the other people outside. I didn't feel the cold, just blood rushing through my veins, the heartbeat that kept it flowing, thundering in my ears as I watched him aproach me. Every muscle inside me stiffend. 'He loves you too' Toshiya had said. Was that the truth? And if it was, did I love him? Falling in love with somebody is an entirely different thing from loving somebody.
My heart skipped a few beats, as Kaoru stopped just a few inches away from me and I noticed the trace of tears on his blushed cheeks and the redness of his eyes that were gazing into mine. I couldn't help but stretch out my hands and cup his face, rubbing it softly with my thumbs. He winced because of my cold fingers, but he didn't recede. "Kao, why did you cry?" I asked worried. Worried, because I never saw him cry before. Worried, because I knew it was my fault. Worried, because I didn't know what to do. "It's nothing," he said, laying his hands over mine that still held his face. I shivered, just because of their warmth. "Kaoru," I said in a demanding tone although I merely whispered, because any louder spoken word would give away that my voice was trembling terribly, "please." He took hold of my hands, removed them from his cheeks, but didn't let go and inhaled deeply, yet he didn't answer. Instead, he gently led me away from our spot where we were still surrounded by some strangers. I didn't mind them, I didn't care about what they might think, but I followed him because it mattered to him. He looked so helpless and desperate, it reached out right for my heart and grabbed it with icy fingers that seemed to stop it from beating any moment. He halted behind some superstructures where we were alone and it was more or less quiet.
He still didn't make any attempt to talk to me, so I began. "It's because, what you've said to me during the count-down!?" My voice was now quivering obviously and before he could answer, I tried to explain, "I didn't understand a word then. I didn't intend to hurt you, you must believe me! I should have told you before, but then the guys showed up and I was distracted. I was so confused and now, I'm feeling so insecure. But I don't want you to cry because of me. Kaoru, do you hear me? I ... I ..." A lump in my throat made me stop and the firing behind my eyelids told me that I was about to cry any second. My sight got blurred by the rising tears. The burning fires of hell would have been a comfortable place for me to be at that moment. Why didn't he say something? At least, he could have yelled at me or shoved me for being the idiot that I am. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he smiled. It confused me so much that I took some steps back while his smile grew broader every second, his eyes flashing up, showing so many emotions at the same time, that I couldn't figure them out. "I know." Finally, he said something. At last! I sighed, half relieved.
I opened my mouth to reply something, but he stopped me with a simple hand-gesture. "I know you didn't intend to hurt me. Well, I know now," he admitted shyly, "And I am going to repeat the words I said during the count-down, so that you have the chance...," he hesitated and seemed to look for the right way to put it, "to correct your answer, ok?" His confidence grew while he spoke and by the time he ended his little speech he had found back to his old self, the leader of a famous band who wanted to settle something that had gone awfully wrong. My head nodded on its own accord. It was like I have left my body and was watching this scene from a distance.
Slowly, Kaoru began to speak.
"10... I came here without a date on purpose , because I knew, well desperately hoped, that you wouldn't have one either and I wanted to take my chances.
9... I love you Kyo, alsways have, ever will. Is there a chance that you have feelings for me as well?" Again, he looked inquiring into my eyes.
Without hesitating and without thinking, I replied.
"8... Yes, there is!" I beamed at him and stepped a little closer.
"7...", he murmured with a ravishingly beautiful smile on his face.
"6..." I clung my arms around him, pulling him close with a blissful feeling that surched up inside of me, soon capturing me with an intensity I have never felt before.
"5..." he swung his arms around my neck, pulling me close, until our faces were just half an inch away.
"4..." I whispered, drowning in his beautiful black eyes, trying to compass every aspect of his features in my heart and soul.
"3... I love you Kyo." His hot breath washed over my face, swirling around my neck, causing shivers to run down my spine.
"2... I love you too, Kaoru."
Finally this was my answer to the question I asked myself sometime before. Yes, I loved Kaoru and at this moment, on the roof, during the first hour of the new year, I finally became aware of it. It was always hidden inside me and now, it struck me like lightning. Everything made perfect sense to me now. The reason why I never fell in love was that I already loved somebody, I just didn't realize it before.
"1..." His lips met mine in a tender kiss that was far too short for my taste. "Happy new year, Kyo," was all Kaoru could bring out, before I sealed his lips again with a hungy kiss.
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i just love K&K fics^^
and the beginig was hilarious ^^
thanks for writing ^^
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So I'm especially happy that you liked this old piece of mine although the English is kinda horrible^^
Thank you for reading!
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i like KxK soo i will read it always, doeasnt matter if it has crappy english or not ^^; and your english wasnt that bad btw ^^ i saw even crapier english fics and it werent first fics in english ^^;;
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...or is that illegal .__.
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I'm glad that you liked it. Haha and well, I don't think it's illegal. If you can marry a rat in India x)
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