rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2010-08-02 09:34 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2010-08-02 09:34 pm
Entry tags:
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Title: Undeniable
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: R
Pairing: Toshiya/Die, Toshiya/OFC
Theme: 006: Can’t forget you
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Love was something Toshiya had always believed in. When he turned twenty-four he found the woman of his dreams. Little did he know that life had other things in store for him.
Comments:
fonulyn: Okay, I wrote this pretty long ago and only now found it and got around to editing it and seeing through it if it’s suitable to be posted *laughs* It kind of fit my mood, and I was getting all emotional and shit over it XD It might be a bit of romantic nonsense but I enjoyed writing it, and I enjoyed re-reading it as well. Plus, it’s AU! It’s been ages since I wrote and posted anything that is really AU :D So I hope you enjoy! ♥
And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
i
Love was something Toshiya had always believed in. Ever since he was little, his mother told him about life, told him that one day he would find someone he’d want to spend the rest of his life with. Even when he grew up, his trust for what he’d been taught never faltered, not even if it was pushed to the background, to his subconsciousness. He tried a lot, had fun, enjoyed every single second of his wild youth. He got lost to the hectic life, new and exciting things, to the point that he already thought that he had given up on trying to find true love.
Yet just when he gave up on it, it slapped him straight on the face.
When Toshiya turned twenty-four he found the woman of his dreams. Norie was everything he had been looking for; she was smart, lively, pretty and it was easy to hang out with her straight from the beginning. From the moment they met, it seemed like straight from a storybook, a real fairytale romance. They met at a coffee shop, where Toshiya accidentally bumped into Norie, who was just walking by with a huge pile of books and papers in her arms. He apologized several times, helped her to collect her belongings and somehow they ended up in her apartment, talking to the early morning.
Before they even noticed, they began to meet daily, always coming up with new excuses just to spend some time together. Things went like in fast forward mode, and two months from when they had met they were already living together, engaged to be married. Countless evenings they spent just lying on the comfortable couch, cuddling close together, watching movies until they simply got lost within each other. She made him strong coffee in the mornings, he bought her flowers whenever they went out. It didn’t take long and they were already beginning to talk about their wedding, more or less vaguely.
That was when Norie asked Toshiya to come with her to her home, to meet her family. Toshiya had known earlier that she was very close to her parents and her only brother, and as his relations to his own family were really warm he was instantly enthusiastic about that. He kissed her, telling her that he would pack his belongings anytime, and follow her anywhere. Laughing, she just slapped the back of his head, telling him it was enough if he would get ready to spend a rare week off from work to get to know her family. With that, it was settled, and Toshiya was ready to make a good impression.
Little did he know where it would lead him.
ii
Toshiya was nervous. He always got along with people well, he was instantly liked and he just had to be his own friendly self to make everyone fall for his charms. It had taken him less than ten minutes to make Norie’s mother love him, and even his father warmed up during the first evening the whole bunch had spent sitting in the cozy living-room, in front of the fireplace. Yet he’d been told that Norie’s brother would come over today, to spend some time with them, and he couldn’t help but to be a bit nervous about it. Norie always talked about her brother, and Toshiya knew she appreciated his opinion highly, so it was of course important to make a good impression on him as well.
Several times, Norie had told him not to be afraid; that her brother would simply love him from the first moment on, everything else was completely out of the question. The words made Toshiya laugh, and for a moment he indeed felt better, especially when she pressed her soft lips against his to distract him. Gently, he then brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, caressing her cheek softly with his thumb while looking her straight in the eye. “I promise, Nori,” he smiled, “I will calm down. And make him like me.” He was rewarded with yet another reassuring smile, along with a quick peck on his lips.
She didn’t have the time to reply anything though, since the next second the sound of the doorbell was resonating in the air and it instantly made her jump off the couch. She was practically beaming, her eyes sparkling enthusiastically and Toshiya couldn’t help but to think that like this, she was incredibly beautiful. “That’s gotta be him!” She burst out excitedly, and the next thing Toshiya realized was that she had already practically bounced off to the door to open it. They were still at her parents’ place, but alone for the time being as her mother had needed to be elsewhere and her father had naturally gone along.
The next moment Toshiya heard two voices from the door, obviously exchanging warm greetings and when he curiously peeked around the corner he could spot two forms hugging in the doorway. Automatically he got up as well, brushing his sweaty palms on his pants to dry them a bit as he didn’t want to come off weird with a wet handshake. He already dug out his best smile, determined to like the man he was about to meet. Not a moment too early, as Norie already stepped into the room, a tall young man right behind her. “Toshiya,” she spoke up, gesturing towards her brother while introducing him, “this is my brother, Daisuke.”
Even if Toshiya had been determined to hate his fiancées brother, the very first second after meeting him proved that the attempt would’ve been futile, doomed from the beginning. The man was a bit older than he was, he knew it as he’d heard it several times from Norie, but still this Daisuke didn’t look a day older than twenty. He was tall, almost as tall as Toshiya himself, his shoulders broad and straight. He had big, deep brown eyes that seemed to have an eternal sparkle in them, his red dyed hair framing his even porcelain skin, and the friendliest smile imaginable dancing on his full lips. The family resemblance was clear, as he looked much like Norie. Yet, Toshiya caught himself thinking that the small differences actually meant the world.
He didn’t even notice he was staring, not before the man moved and offered his hand for a handshake. “Hi, Toshiya. Nice to meet you,” he winked, and for the moment Toshiya could’ve sworn that those deep eyes actually changed color, “And don’t bother calling me with my full name, no one does it, not even my mom. Just call me Die.” There was something so utterly friendly in both the words and the way they were spoken in, and Toshiya knew he was smiling before he even managed to come up with any kind of reply to that.
“Alright, Die,” he chuckled lowly, grabbing the hand offered for him, and distantly noted that the other man’s hand was warm and soft, “Then you can prepare to call me Tosh. Nice to meet you, too.”
Their eyes met, they both smiled and for a second the whole world seemed to stop turning.
iii
Toshiya didn’t sleep at all the following night. They had spent a long evening just the three of them, drinking some wine she had insisted on getting, while simply talking to get to know each other. Norie was practically beaming throughout the whole evening, happy that the two most important persons in her life seemed to be getting along so well straight from the beginning. They destroyed a whole load of takeout when they got hungry, opening a new bottle of wine every time the previous one ran out.
Somewhere around midnight Norie got up from her place though, giving her boyfriend a warm smile. “I think I’m going to head to bed. You two stay up still if you want! I want you to become best friends, you hear me?” She chuckled, winking at both men merrily. “I think the wine went into my head or something, I feel a bit dizzy!” It was obvious she wasn’t really drunk, she just wanted a good excuse to leave the two alone, to give them some time to hang out without her now that she had been there to break the first ice together with them. “Good night, honey,” she leaned in, stealing a short kiss from Toshiya before turning to Die to hug him tight. “G’night bro. Don’t sleep all day tomorrow!”
They only exchanged a few words before she left the room, leaving the two men in complete silence. For a moment Die was focused on just swirling the dark red liquid in his glass, and as that gave Toshiya the perfect opportunity to stare he didn’t hesitate before using it. The other man had long, thick lashes that cast alluring shadows on his cheeks, his lips curved to a small smile even now that he seemed to be completely lost in his thoughts. In the soft, warm light of only the fireplace and a small lamp on the table, he looked almost magical.
Shaking his head, Toshiya quickly tried to land back from his thoughts. What the heck had that been? He wasn’t supposed to sit here, watching his soon-to-be-wife’s brother and thinking just how beautiful he was. Yet, he couldn’t deny that there was truth in that. The other man was incredibly attractive, alluring even, and he wasn’t all that sure what he was supposed to be feeling right now. He wanted to reach out and touch that hair that looked softer than anything he’d touched in his life, wanted to run his fingertips down that cheek to try if that skin was as flawless as it looked like, wanted to touch those full lips and find out if they felt as good as they looked.
At that point, he blushed, averting his gaze down. This was pathetic. He had never been affected by anyone like this before. Not ever. There was the whole bunch of butterflies having a ball inside of his stomach, his heart beating like a drum in his throat and that damn obvious blush like stuck on his cheeks, no matter what he did. This almost was… this felt like falling in lo-
He didn’t give himself the permission to finish that thought. No, this certainly couldn’t be it. Not here, not now, not like this. He was supposed to be getting married. He had found the girl of his dreams, someone he cared for more than anyone before, someone he really didn’t mind sticking with for longer. He couldn’t, simply couldn’t, go and spoil it all by acting on something he wasn’t sure of. Toshiya had always been an impulsive person, yet now he did his best to force that down. He didn’t want to ruin everything he had, everything they had, by doing something foolish.
Toshiya hadn’t realized that he had been silent for a good while, just biting his lower lip and holding on to his glass so tight it was a miracle it hadn’t shattered into pieces in his grasp. Only when a soft voice spoke up, he snapped back to reality, raising his gaze. Looking deep into those dark eyes that seemed to change color every other moment, instantly made his heart skip another beat and he had to force himself to focus on the words falling from those sweet pouty lips.
“Something wrong, Toshiya?” Die smiled honestly, going on in a second as if he felt he owed an explanation for asking something like that. “You look quite pale.” There was a genuinely concerned look in his eyes, his tone nothing but friendly and it was obvious he wasn’t asking to be nosy or rude, but he truly wanted to be of help. That, somehow, made everything even worse for Toshiya and he needed all of his self-control and confidence to steel himself enough to reply.
“Oh it’s nothing,” he waved aside, “I was just thinking. It… this is all just so new to me,” he settled for a cryptic half-truth, “It’s kind of exhausting to meet so many new people in a short time. I mean, people I should really get to know well. So three already is a lot. And I, I suppose I kind of feel overwhelmed.” This time, his smile was completely genuine, almost relieved as it felt good to get it out in the open, even if it was in a way that no one else would understand properly but he. At least he was certain that Die had no idea what he was talking about.
The next second, his thoughts were proven wrong though. The next words coming from the other man, those were already enough to show him that he wasn’t the only one who was feeling something… forbidden. Something that should not be. “I know,” Die nodded slowly, running his fingers through his hair in a gesture that made Toshiya want to just grab his hand and pull him close. “It is kind of overwhelming. To me too.” He smiled, almost apologetically.
Neither of them said a single word about it anymore. Not that night, at least. They didn’t even talk anymore. Long after they had finished their wine, they still were sitting there in comfortable silence, stealing stealthy glances at each other when they thought it would go unnoticed. Even when they retreated to bed, both in their own rooms, this certain mood never left.
Neither of them slept a wink that night.
iv
If Toshiya had thought that everything had been fast when he got to know Norie and grew close with her, he had to notice that it hadn’t been quite the case. Not when now, now he felt like his whole world had been turned upside down in the duration of mere hours. Twelve hours ago he hadn’t even known that Die existed. Now he found himself yearning for his presence, just a glimpse of that smile that seemed to lighten up the whole world for a split second.
He tried to ignore it. God be his witness, he did everything he could to ignore it. He spent a long morning with Norie, took a walk with her in the chilly autumn air, hand in hand while talking about everything and nothing. She was leaning closer to him, and automatically Toshiya wrapped an arm around her waist. Yet something was missing. He expected a warm feeling in his chest, expected for his heart to jump, if not hammer in the way it had been pounding earlier. When they had been freshly in love. Or… when he had caught a glimpse of red hair and genuine smile earlier that morning.
When they returned back from their walk, Norie’s mother had prepared a lunch for them all. They were sitting around a huge dining-table, various foods piled up in front of them and for a while Toshiya thought that he had reached heaven with this much delicious food offered to him. The elderly woman was an extremely good cook, and she took joy in everyone enjoying their meals in such an obvious way.
They were so focused on eating that no one even spoke up, not before she broke the silence in a soft voice. “Norie, do you have anything planned after the lunch?” She only waited until she had received a nod, before going on, “Die needs a lift to the railway station, and you know how your father doesn’t like driving immediately after food, so I thought if you could maybe…”
“I can drive him.” Everyone startled a bit, turning to look at Toshiya who had spoken up before managing to think it through. He even blushed a bit, thinking if it now had been a bit too much eagerness. “I mean,” he stuttered a bit, turning to look at Norie, “you wanted to talk with your mom and I would just be on the way there, I don’t understand anything about your planning. So, I don’t really have anything better to do and I could take him to the station.” He smiled, but still avoided looking at the redhead, simply because his heart was speeding up already at the mere thought of his lively eyes.
The suggestion was met with eagerness, as they all thought it was the best plan for the situation. Norie especially was glad, thinking that it was amazing how the two seemed to get along so well. The first meeting had obviously been a success, only that she had no idea to what extent.
In less than an hour, after long goodbyes of every family member hugging each other and saying time and time again how they should meet more often, Die and Toshiya were both sitting in the car on their way to the railway station. There seemed to be something in the air still, this odd tension and Toshiya could’ve sworn it was almost like electricity. He wanted so badly to say something, to open a discussion and yet he couldn’t come up with anything that would’ve sounded good. Everything he came up with sounded either downright stupid, or nearly psychotic. Or what was he supposed to say? Hey Die, I know we met only yesterday, but I really think I am in love with you? Certainly not.
It seemed that the silence would go on forever. They were both stealing long glances at each other though, and just when Toshiya was about to get all worked up over that, letting the nervousness well up, he was pulled back from his thoughts. Die laughed. His carefree, merry laughter filled the still air and broke the silence, making everything seem much less suffocating and in mere seconds, Toshiya was laughing too. They were acting like kids, allowing something like this to silence them, and they couldn’t help but to laugh at their own behavior.
“C’mon, Toshiya, pull over,” Die demanded somewhere between his chuckles, his eyes sparkling deeply as he looked at the other man, quite openly this time. “Stop the car. I think we need to talk for a second.” They had reserved a lot time so that they wouldn’t be late, thus they could afford wasting some moments on the roadside. Gladly, Toshiya complied and the next given chance he drove off the road to a small resting stop that looked completely abandoned.
When they stopped, Die wordlessly exited the car, and Toshiya followed suit without needing to be asked. He was still smiling, as somehow the laughter had loosened the knot inside of him and helped him to breathe more freely. He circled the car, until he was standing right beside the redhead, who was leaning against the side-door, his hands in his pockets. He looked calm, a soft smile dancing on his lips as he just kept on gazing into the horizon. Toshiya didn’t mind, this gave him the perfect opportunity to study those features that had made such a big impact on him during these few hours they had known each other.
Toshiya didn’t know what to say, so he stayed silent. Hadn’t it been Die to ask for the talk to begin with? Maybe he knew what was going on, and what they should do. Hell, they hadn’t even established if there was anything mutual between them, or if it just was a one-sided crush from Toshiya’s end. That would be swell, Toshiya snorted inwardly, he was already in big enough troubles just for harboring such unsuitable feelings for the brother of his girlfriend.
It felt like an eternity, although in reality he didn’t even have to wait for long before Die spoke up. He still didn’t look at the other man, but his voice was firm enough to show that his whole attention was in the exchanged words. “You know, I wish I had a manual I could read to know what I should say,” he began, turning his head just a little bit, enough so he could look at the other man from the corner of his sparkling eyes. “Since this is quite unusual, eh? Awkward too.” For a moment he paused, and when Toshiya still didn’t say anything, he went on while this time turning to face him properly. “Toshiya, I’ve seen how you look at me. Please tell me it’s not only in my imagination.”
Toshiya wasn’t certain if he saw right when he noticed a small almost insecure flash in those deep eyes directed at him. Somehow he had the feeling that as much as neither of them shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be feeling this, they were equally deep in the swamp. He didn’t say anything, and instead stepped closer until their chests were almost touching. He brought his hand up, touching the other man’s cheek and his heart skipped a beat when he realized that this was it. Gently, he ran his thumb up the incredibly smooth cheek until he could brush a strand of silky red hair off the other man’s face.
Only the cold wind was their companion as their lips finally met in a slow, sensual kiss. It was tentative at first, neither of them really knowing just how much they wanted, how much they would be granted. Yet with the passing seconds they grew more courageous, more hungry. Die’s arms found their way around the other man’s neck, holding on to him, while Toshiya in turn had placed his palms on his companion’s narrow hips.
Time seemed to stand still, and for one precious moment they felt like they were alone in the world. It almost felt that they had a chance. Until the need for air forced them apart. With a startled gasp they pulled away from each other, and for the next few seconds, a thousand heartbeats, they simply gazed at each other. Die was the one who spoke first, his voice a bit choked although there was a smile on his lips. A sad smile. “We shouldn’t… We can’t.”
Toshiya knew he was right. He knew that at the same time, this was the first and the last time for them. Somehow that one single kiss had given them all they needed to know, had given them the certainty that whatever was going on, it was mutual. Yet it didn’t mean that they could do anything to it. They were still bound by the situation, whether they wanted or not.
When they got back into the car, it was like their silent promise to do what they had to do.
v
For a while things went fine. Toshiya and Norie got back to their own apartment after the week of holidays at her parents’, got back to their old routines and to the steady pace of their lives. They still had fun together, and everything seemed to be just like it had been before. Outwardly. Inside, everything had changed. Toshiya knew that he should be grateful for a girl like Norie, for finding someone who seemed to always understand him and who made him smile in so many ways. He still loved her, cared for her and no matter what he didn’t want to hurt her.
Yet, he couldn’t stop thinking of another. Not a day went by that he didn’t remember that kiss shared on an empty resting-stop. Not a single day went by that he didn’t think of the eyes that had captured him the first second he had looked into them. He tried, he honestly tried to focus on the essential and to bring his life back to what it had been. Still, it was a futile attempt straight from the beginning. No matter what he did, Die was on his mind, and there was nothing he could do to that.
The worst thing in it was the constant bad conscience. Toshiya didn’t want to be unfaithful to Norie, and yet so many times they were lying in bed next to one another, and while she was fast asleep he kept on wondering if Die was thinking of him as much as he thought of him. When they had kissed, it had been mutual. But he had no way to know if Die still was thinking of him, if he was as hung up on the feelings and the moment as he was. He had thought he could live with it, but it proved to be too much to handle.
In a fit of desperation, he searched Norie’s address book, flipped through the yellow worn pages until he found a few scribbled lines that were her brother’s address and phone-number. At first Toshiya considered calling him, seeing that he lived several hours away and going over wasn’t going to happen within a day even. Yet everything essential they had exchanged had been wordless, had been silent understanding of mutual feelings instead of coherently exchanged words. The need to just see him was too strong, too much to ignore.
Toshiya had never believed in lying, no matter how much the truth hurt. This time he found himself telling Norie about this unexpected work-related trip he had to take over a weekend, trying to come up with a believable enough explanation that wouldn’t raise any suspicions. Norie just smiled at him, gave him a kiss and told him she’d miss him. And right at that moment, Toshiya felt like the biggest asshole on earth.
It didn’t stop him from putting his plans into action though. The next Friday, he found himself sitting in the train with only a small suitcase with him, packed with neat clothes for “work” as he had to keep up the appearances after all. Only that he wasn’t traveling to any sort of meeting. He was traveling to the man that kept on haunting his mind, to see if he could find back the missing piece of his heart. The mere thought made him feel pathetic, as truth to be told, he wasn’t missing only a bit of his heart but instead the largest chunk of it. But maybe, just maybe, he would be able to fix it now.
Late in the evening he was standing in front of a door that had no name on it, only a number, and he wasn’t even sure if he would have the guts to ring the doorbell. He wasn’t even sure if Die was home. Hell, he didn’t know anything about him. He didn’t know where he worked, if he was out partying on Fridays, if he was in a relationship… or the most importantly, if he even wanted to see him. Finally he gathered himself and rang the bell, the sound of it seeming all too harsh in the otherwise silent building.
It only took a few moments and the door already clicked open, a puff of red appearing first before followed by the face that Toshiya had been dreaming of for the past weeks, day and night. Die’s eyes widened instantly, his lips parted in a surprised gasp and for a second he was too stunned to even say anything. Finally he seemed to get over it, only a slight hint of insecurity – maybe even hope – mixed in his voice. “Toshiya? What are you doing here?”
“I…” Toshiya drawled, cracking a crooked smile as he couldn’t really explain what had been going on in his head when he had decided to come. “I needed to see you.” Maybe the most simple explanation would work best? At least it was the truth. The complete, utter truth. He had needed to see the other man, badly enough to lie about it and to do it on a whim without a second thought. The explanation seemed to be more than enough to Die, as he just smiled, opening the door further.
“Then, come on in.”
vi
As weird as it might’ve sounded, Toshiya hadn’t had any expectations what could come out of this. He had simply needed to see Die, needed to see him so badly that he hadn’t been able to think of anything else. So, now that they ended up spending the first evening watching TV, eating some add-only-water instant food, it felt as natural as anything else would’ve felt. Maybe they needed some pretended normalcy to bring balance to their unusual situation. Whatever it was, they spent the first hours just picking on their food, absent-mindedly watching the game-show that was on although in reality they were only stealing long glances at each other.
Only long after midnight, they steered away from the idle chit chat and began to tentatively address the current situation they were in. It was Die who shifted first on his seat, turning to face the other man better. They were sitting side by side on the small couch, and even now were far too close to each other. Or not close enough. Whichever it was, it made their hearts beat faster, pump like mad like their lives depended on it. Finally, Die managed to open the discussion with the question that had been burning his mind for hours now.
“Does she know you’re here?” He didn’t need to say who he meant, as they both instantly knew it. There was only one person that they could be referring to, at a moment like this, when they were going to have a conversation like this.
It took Toshiya only a heartbeat to decide he didn’t want to go for any half-hearted explanations or vague descriptions. So he replied with a simple “No.” as he knew that it told them both enough. Die simply nodded, didn’t ask anything further as he thoughtfully chewed on his lower lip. Even at an awkward moment like this, Toshiya couldn’t help but to think that the gesture alone was enough to make his heart skip a beat and make him stare.
A short silence followed, and somehow it was one of the comfortable kind. Even in the given situation, there was nothing but easiness between them, underlined by the mass of emotions and feelings neither of them had managed to name yet. When the silence ended, it was again Die who spoke up, his voice barely audible in the silent air. “Why did you come?”
Toshiya smiled. He hadn’t been sure of his motives when he had decided to come over. Even when he’d been standing behind the closed door a few hours ago, he had thought that this was just ridiculous and that he shouldn’t have ever tried anything like this. Yet now… now that he was sitting there, beside the other man, he knew that this was exactly what he had needed to do, exactly what was supposed to happen. There was nothing but honesty in his voice as he spoke up, repeated what he had said already at the door while reaching out to run his fingertips over the smooth skin of the redhead’s cheek. “I just needed to see you.”
The soft touch on his cheek made Die close his eyes, the faintest of sighs falling from his lips as he obviously enjoyed the feeling all too much. His heart stopped for a second, and he couldn’t help but to think that it would be just all too easy to cross the last distance between them to initiate a kiss. Yet he held back, didn’t give in to the temptation as he knew it wasn’t all about what he wanted. What they wanted. This was about Norie too. He shook his head a bit, an almost bitter little chuckle spilling from him. “This is so ridiculous…”
He didn’t have the time to say anything further, to speak about his fears and his thoughts, to repeat what they had both already gone through in their minds about the completely stuck situation. How ironic was it that they found each other like this? That they would end up hurting the one person neither of them ever wanted to harm in any possible way? Die couldn’t voice any of that though, not before Toshiya pressed his index finger on his soft lips to silence him. Their eyes met, and something in the other man’s smile made Die calm down, his racing thoughts stilling for a while at last.
The next moment their lips met. Die closed his eyes, allowing Toshiya’s mere scent devolve on him as it was something so distinctively him; a mix of soap, cologne, tobacco and just pure Toshiya. It felt as if the kiss gave them all the answers in the world, everything they had been craving for, everything they had missed. Neither of them said a single word when they broke apart in the need for air, and like drawn by gravity they met each other halfway as they initiated the next one. Long, sensual kisses turned hungry, the hungry kisses turned to more feverish, unfocused ones, their hands roaming on exposed skin like their life depended on it.
They didn’t have any answers. For the time being they needed none.
Even afterwards they were silent for long, lying on the couch close to each other, although it was too short and they had to fold themselves to fit there properly. Toshiya had wrapped his arms around Die’s shoulders, was toying with a soft strand of red hair. Coevally, Die had rested his head on the other man’s chest and was focusing on his heartbeat. Somehow the steady, unchanging rhythm of his heart was enough to calm him down and fill him with positivity. Things would work out. Somehow.
The silence was cut by Die’s soft voice, resonating in the otherwise still air oddly audibly, although it was a mere breath in reality. “I never intended this to happen.” The words had certain guilt in them, carrying mixed emotions that were swirling in his mind. Yet, regret was missing. He knew this wasn’t right, and he was honest when he said he never wanted this to really happen. Still now that it did… he simply couldn’t make himself regret it. He was too weak, rather dwelled on the peacefulness of the moment than thought of all the what-ifs.
“I know.” There was certain calmness in Toshiya’s voice, and he stopped toying with the red strand of hair, instead placing his palm on the other man’s shoulder to give it a small squeeze. He knew that it wouldn’t be this easy, that drama would follow in both their lives before they would even have the chance to a normal life together. There was no guarantee that it would even work. Still, he couldn’t help but to feel like this was finally the right path for him to follow. Even if the way he had gotten there hadn’t been exactly the best one. Slowly, he brought his fingers to the other man’s jaw, made him tilt his head so they could look each other in the eye. “If you could turn back time, would you want to make this undone?”
Die smiled. Honestly. So that it reached up all the way to his eyes. And when he replied, everything seemed to fall into place in Toshiya’s mind. “No.”
“Neither would I.”
vii
After that first shared weekend, it was obvious that they couldn’t keep away from each other for long. It was like the floodgates of doom were opened and now it was futile to even try and hold back the masses of water that were washing through with such massive force it easily drowned two helpless human beings in the midst of it all. They couldn’t meet in secrecy, and neither of them even wanted to. Toshiya had always been more or less the everything-or-nothing type and he wanted to be open in everything, especially in love. They kept calling each other, talking in low voices and trying to figure out what would be the best way to act, hidden love-confessions slipped in the midst of the talk.
They knew they had to do something to this, things couldn’t go on forever without being solved somehow. Yet neither of them knew how they could break the news to Norie. Toshiya was certain that she was already aware that something was going on, something out of the usual, although she probably couldn’t connect the pieces well enough to know her brother had anything to do with it. Toshiya’s behavior was far from normal though, especially since the usually so affectionate and touchy young man was practically running from every kind of physical contact. It felt like a small eternity, although in reality didn’t even take two weeks before things began to unfold.
Toshiya and Die decided that the best way to deal with this would to talk with Norie, all three of them present as after all, this was something that they all had to sort out one way or another. Die had already taken the next possible Friday off from work, intending on coming over so they could use the whole weekend if necessary to see where things would be heading. Yet they should’ve known that in a situation like that, even good plans have the tendency to backfire. Fate decided otherwise, and they never got the chance to talk to Norie about it. Not before she figured everything out herself.
Apparently she had only needed Toshiya’s phone as she hadn’t found her own, and had gotten curious after seeing her brother’s number amongst the others. She hadn’t been meaning to spy, and yet it had been just all too easy to check just how many times the number had been dialed. Why would her fiancé call her brother this often? Several times a day. There had to be something going on, and for a while she entertained herself with the thought that the two were planning some kind of a surprise for her. In a twisted way, she was right, as she would come to realize later.
This time she hadn’t meant to spy either. She simply happened to come home earlier than she had promised, and the next thing she knew she heard a one-sided phone call. She heard her boyfriend talk in a low voice to someone, and for some reason she knew he was talking about her. He was saying he didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want to make things worse than absolutely needed. She heard him confess his love to the person in the other end of the line, twice. And when she heard her brother’s name she felt like her whole world was coming down in one huge explosion of sheer hurt.
The inevitable confrontation came sooner than expected. She waited until he had ended the call, when all she could hear was silence. Slowly, she pushed the door open and stepped into the living room, only to see Toshiya standing in the middle of the room and looking at her from eyes widened by surprise. There was such a serious, frozen expression on her face that they both instantly knew what would happen next. “What was that all about?” She demanded, her voice barely audible as she didn’t really know what to say. She received no reply, Toshiya being too surprised to be able to talk. That was when she snapped.
“Just tell me, what the fuck is going on!?” Norie didn’t even try to control her voice, practically shrieking and that already showed just how shaken she was as she usually never yelled. There were tears burning in her eyes, leaving a glossy shimmer in them and one could see the tense set of her jaw as she tried to steel herself for what was to come. Toshiya didn’t really want to say anything. He didn’t want to confirm her suspicions, didn’t want to break her dreams and her expectations. Yet there was nothing he could do to it, and if nothing else he at least owed her the truth.
He didn’t have the time to go on before she spoke up again, her voice trembling slightly as she was obviously suppressing tears. “Tell me, Toshiya. Do you even love me?” Then, she froze, looking at him expectantly and just waited for the reply, whatever it would be. Toshiya already opened his mouth, wanted to say that of course he loved her. Of course he did. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He didn’t believe in them, not with his whole heart and he didn’t want to lie to her. He struggled for words, tried to figure out how to say it best. And it took a long moment before he spoke up.
“I care for you, Norie, I honestly do,” he couldn’t help that his voice broke in the end, that there was an almost pleading undertone to it as he wished so much for her to believe him, to understand why he did what he did, “I care for you. But him. Him I love.”
The expression on Norie’s face was something Toshiya never had wanted to see, and he would’ve done anything to prevent things from coming to this. He could literally see her heart break, shatter into thousand pieces and it made him feel like suffocating, like an iron band was wrapped around his chest and squeezing until he could no longer breathe. She didn’t say anything, didn’t even try to speak, and she only looked straight at him for a long moment before turning around on her heels.
She left. And right at that moment Toshiya wasn’t sure if he’d ever see her again.
viii
Good things never come without a price tag. That was the lesson life wanted to teach before giving Toshiya what he wanted. He had already thought he had found his happiness, before something else was presented to him and he couldn’t resist the temptation, couldn’t ignore his own desires and had to reach out and grab it. Yet there had been nothing freewilling in it. No one had asked him if he wanted to fall in love, head over heels. He had tried to resist it, even, had tried to fight it and yet he had been pulled back again and again until there was no way to let go. With bleeding fingers he had tried to resist, and still something – he liked to call it fate – had pulled him away from the steady, planned course of his life to something new.
Now, years later, he knew that everything happened with a purpose. Easily, he had accepted the new course of his life, even if it meant broken hearts and torn relationships that needed to be mended. It took time, time that would heal the wounds, and never did his belief in that falter. He knew things would sort out one way or another. Even if it meant that he wasn’t welcome to the home of Die’s parents, not even after they had been sharing their lives for half a decade. Even if it meant he would never meet Norie again, although he still cared for her and wished her all the best in life.
Even if it meant that Die’s relations to his family, once so genuine and warm, were nowadays forced and stiff. It bothered him more than he wanted to show, and only the confidence that he was taking the path he had wanted to, had to, tread gave him the will to go on. Along with the never ending positivity from Toshiya that was rubbing off on him and made him believe things would turn out fine once. Things had to turn out fine. They just needed to work on that.
And they knew they would always be there for each other.
In the morning, when Toshiya woke up to a new day and saw the puff of red right next to him, a set of sleepy eyes blinking to open, he knew this was all worth it.
This was all worth it.
Author:
fonulynRating: R
Pairing: Toshiya/Die, Toshiya/OFC
Theme: 006: Can’t forget you
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Love was something Toshiya had always believed in. When he turned twenty-four he found the woman of his dreams. Little did he know that life had other things in store for him.
Comments:
fonulyn: Okay, I wrote this pretty long ago and only now found it and got around to editing it and seeing through it if it’s suitable to be posted *laughs* It kind of fit my mood, and I was getting all emotional and shit over it XD It might be a bit of romantic nonsense but I enjoyed writing it, and I enjoyed re-reading it as well. Plus, it’s AU! It’s been ages since I wrote and posted anything that is really AU :D So I hope you enjoy! ♥ And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
i
Love was something Toshiya had always believed in. Ever since he was little, his mother told him about life, told him that one day he would find someone he’d want to spend the rest of his life with. Even when he grew up, his trust for what he’d been taught never faltered, not even if it was pushed to the background, to his subconsciousness. He tried a lot, had fun, enjoyed every single second of his wild youth. He got lost to the hectic life, new and exciting things, to the point that he already thought that he had given up on trying to find true love.
Yet just when he gave up on it, it slapped him straight on the face.
When Toshiya turned twenty-four he found the woman of his dreams. Norie was everything he had been looking for; she was smart, lively, pretty and it was easy to hang out with her straight from the beginning. From the moment they met, it seemed like straight from a storybook, a real fairytale romance. They met at a coffee shop, where Toshiya accidentally bumped into Norie, who was just walking by with a huge pile of books and papers in her arms. He apologized several times, helped her to collect her belongings and somehow they ended up in her apartment, talking to the early morning.
Before they even noticed, they began to meet daily, always coming up with new excuses just to spend some time together. Things went like in fast forward mode, and two months from when they had met they were already living together, engaged to be married. Countless evenings they spent just lying on the comfortable couch, cuddling close together, watching movies until they simply got lost within each other. She made him strong coffee in the mornings, he bought her flowers whenever they went out. It didn’t take long and they were already beginning to talk about their wedding, more or less vaguely.
That was when Norie asked Toshiya to come with her to her home, to meet her family. Toshiya had known earlier that she was very close to her parents and her only brother, and as his relations to his own family were really warm he was instantly enthusiastic about that. He kissed her, telling her that he would pack his belongings anytime, and follow her anywhere. Laughing, she just slapped the back of his head, telling him it was enough if he would get ready to spend a rare week off from work to get to know her family. With that, it was settled, and Toshiya was ready to make a good impression.
Little did he know where it would lead him.
ii
Toshiya was nervous. He always got along with people well, he was instantly liked and he just had to be his own friendly self to make everyone fall for his charms. It had taken him less than ten minutes to make Norie’s mother love him, and even his father warmed up during the first evening the whole bunch had spent sitting in the cozy living-room, in front of the fireplace. Yet he’d been told that Norie’s brother would come over today, to spend some time with them, and he couldn’t help but to be a bit nervous about it. Norie always talked about her brother, and Toshiya knew she appreciated his opinion highly, so it was of course important to make a good impression on him as well.
Several times, Norie had told him not to be afraid; that her brother would simply love him from the first moment on, everything else was completely out of the question. The words made Toshiya laugh, and for a moment he indeed felt better, especially when she pressed her soft lips against his to distract him. Gently, he then brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, caressing her cheek softly with his thumb while looking her straight in the eye. “I promise, Nori,” he smiled, “I will calm down. And make him like me.” He was rewarded with yet another reassuring smile, along with a quick peck on his lips.
She didn’t have the time to reply anything though, since the next second the sound of the doorbell was resonating in the air and it instantly made her jump off the couch. She was practically beaming, her eyes sparkling enthusiastically and Toshiya couldn’t help but to think that like this, she was incredibly beautiful. “That’s gotta be him!” She burst out excitedly, and the next thing Toshiya realized was that she had already practically bounced off to the door to open it. They were still at her parents’ place, but alone for the time being as her mother had needed to be elsewhere and her father had naturally gone along.
The next moment Toshiya heard two voices from the door, obviously exchanging warm greetings and when he curiously peeked around the corner he could spot two forms hugging in the doorway. Automatically he got up as well, brushing his sweaty palms on his pants to dry them a bit as he didn’t want to come off weird with a wet handshake. He already dug out his best smile, determined to like the man he was about to meet. Not a moment too early, as Norie already stepped into the room, a tall young man right behind her. “Toshiya,” she spoke up, gesturing towards her brother while introducing him, “this is my brother, Daisuke.”
Even if Toshiya had been determined to hate his fiancées brother, the very first second after meeting him proved that the attempt would’ve been futile, doomed from the beginning. The man was a bit older than he was, he knew it as he’d heard it several times from Norie, but still this Daisuke didn’t look a day older than twenty. He was tall, almost as tall as Toshiya himself, his shoulders broad and straight. He had big, deep brown eyes that seemed to have an eternal sparkle in them, his red dyed hair framing his even porcelain skin, and the friendliest smile imaginable dancing on his full lips. The family resemblance was clear, as he looked much like Norie. Yet, Toshiya caught himself thinking that the small differences actually meant the world.
He didn’t even notice he was staring, not before the man moved and offered his hand for a handshake. “Hi, Toshiya. Nice to meet you,” he winked, and for the moment Toshiya could’ve sworn that those deep eyes actually changed color, “And don’t bother calling me with my full name, no one does it, not even my mom. Just call me Die.” There was something so utterly friendly in both the words and the way they were spoken in, and Toshiya knew he was smiling before he even managed to come up with any kind of reply to that.
“Alright, Die,” he chuckled lowly, grabbing the hand offered for him, and distantly noted that the other man’s hand was warm and soft, “Then you can prepare to call me Tosh. Nice to meet you, too.”
Their eyes met, they both smiled and for a second the whole world seemed to stop turning.
iii
Toshiya didn’t sleep at all the following night. They had spent a long evening just the three of them, drinking some wine she had insisted on getting, while simply talking to get to know each other. Norie was practically beaming throughout the whole evening, happy that the two most important persons in her life seemed to be getting along so well straight from the beginning. They destroyed a whole load of takeout when they got hungry, opening a new bottle of wine every time the previous one ran out.
Somewhere around midnight Norie got up from her place though, giving her boyfriend a warm smile. “I think I’m going to head to bed. You two stay up still if you want! I want you to become best friends, you hear me?” She chuckled, winking at both men merrily. “I think the wine went into my head or something, I feel a bit dizzy!” It was obvious she wasn’t really drunk, she just wanted a good excuse to leave the two alone, to give them some time to hang out without her now that she had been there to break the first ice together with them. “Good night, honey,” she leaned in, stealing a short kiss from Toshiya before turning to Die to hug him tight. “G’night bro. Don’t sleep all day tomorrow!”
They only exchanged a few words before she left the room, leaving the two men in complete silence. For a moment Die was focused on just swirling the dark red liquid in his glass, and as that gave Toshiya the perfect opportunity to stare he didn’t hesitate before using it. The other man had long, thick lashes that cast alluring shadows on his cheeks, his lips curved to a small smile even now that he seemed to be completely lost in his thoughts. In the soft, warm light of only the fireplace and a small lamp on the table, he looked almost magical.
Shaking his head, Toshiya quickly tried to land back from his thoughts. What the heck had that been? He wasn’t supposed to sit here, watching his soon-to-be-wife’s brother and thinking just how beautiful he was. Yet, he couldn’t deny that there was truth in that. The other man was incredibly attractive, alluring even, and he wasn’t all that sure what he was supposed to be feeling right now. He wanted to reach out and touch that hair that looked softer than anything he’d touched in his life, wanted to run his fingertips down that cheek to try if that skin was as flawless as it looked like, wanted to touch those full lips and find out if they felt as good as they looked.
At that point, he blushed, averting his gaze down. This was pathetic. He had never been affected by anyone like this before. Not ever. There was the whole bunch of butterflies having a ball inside of his stomach, his heart beating like a drum in his throat and that damn obvious blush like stuck on his cheeks, no matter what he did. This almost was… this felt like falling in lo-
He didn’t give himself the permission to finish that thought. No, this certainly couldn’t be it. Not here, not now, not like this. He was supposed to be getting married. He had found the girl of his dreams, someone he cared for more than anyone before, someone he really didn’t mind sticking with for longer. He couldn’t, simply couldn’t, go and spoil it all by acting on something he wasn’t sure of. Toshiya had always been an impulsive person, yet now he did his best to force that down. He didn’t want to ruin everything he had, everything they had, by doing something foolish.
Toshiya hadn’t realized that he had been silent for a good while, just biting his lower lip and holding on to his glass so tight it was a miracle it hadn’t shattered into pieces in his grasp. Only when a soft voice spoke up, he snapped back to reality, raising his gaze. Looking deep into those dark eyes that seemed to change color every other moment, instantly made his heart skip another beat and he had to force himself to focus on the words falling from those sweet pouty lips.
“Something wrong, Toshiya?” Die smiled honestly, going on in a second as if he felt he owed an explanation for asking something like that. “You look quite pale.” There was a genuinely concerned look in his eyes, his tone nothing but friendly and it was obvious he wasn’t asking to be nosy or rude, but he truly wanted to be of help. That, somehow, made everything even worse for Toshiya and he needed all of his self-control and confidence to steel himself enough to reply.
“Oh it’s nothing,” he waved aside, “I was just thinking. It… this is all just so new to me,” he settled for a cryptic half-truth, “It’s kind of exhausting to meet so many new people in a short time. I mean, people I should really get to know well. So three already is a lot. And I, I suppose I kind of feel overwhelmed.” This time, his smile was completely genuine, almost relieved as it felt good to get it out in the open, even if it was in a way that no one else would understand properly but he. At least he was certain that Die had no idea what he was talking about.
The next second, his thoughts were proven wrong though. The next words coming from the other man, those were already enough to show him that he wasn’t the only one who was feeling something… forbidden. Something that should not be. “I know,” Die nodded slowly, running his fingers through his hair in a gesture that made Toshiya want to just grab his hand and pull him close. “It is kind of overwhelming. To me too.” He smiled, almost apologetically.
Neither of them said a single word about it anymore. Not that night, at least. They didn’t even talk anymore. Long after they had finished their wine, they still were sitting there in comfortable silence, stealing stealthy glances at each other when they thought it would go unnoticed. Even when they retreated to bed, both in their own rooms, this certain mood never left.
Neither of them slept a wink that night.
iv
If Toshiya had thought that everything had been fast when he got to know Norie and grew close with her, he had to notice that it hadn’t been quite the case. Not when now, now he felt like his whole world had been turned upside down in the duration of mere hours. Twelve hours ago he hadn’t even known that Die existed. Now he found himself yearning for his presence, just a glimpse of that smile that seemed to lighten up the whole world for a split second.
He tried to ignore it. God be his witness, he did everything he could to ignore it. He spent a long morning with Norie, took a walk with her in the chilly autumn air, hand in hand while talking about everything and nothing. She was leaning closer to him, and automatically Toshiya wrapped an arm around her waist. Yet something was missing. He expected a warm feeling in his chest, expected for his heart to jump, if not hammer in the way it had been pounding earlier. When they had been freshly in love. Or… when he had caught a glimpse of red hair and genuine smile earlier that morning.
When they returned back from their walk, Norie’s mother had prepared a lunch for them all. They were sitting around a huge dining-table, various foods piled up in front of them and for a while Toshiya thought that he had reached heaven with this much delicious food offered to him. The elderly woman was an extremely good cook, and she took joy in everyone enjoying their meals in such an obvious way.
They were so focused on eating that no one even spoke up, not before she broke the silence in a soft voice. “Norie, do you have anything planned after the lunch?” She only waited until she had received a nod, before going on, “Die needs a lift to the railway station, and you know how your father doesn’t like driving immediately after food, so I thought if you could maybe…”
“I can drive him.” Everyone startled a bit, turning to look at Toshiya who had spoken up before managing to think it through. He even blushed a bit, thinking if it now had been a bit too much eagerness. “I mean,” he stuttered a bit, turning to look at Norie, “you wanted to talk with your mom and I would just be on the way there, I don’t understand anything about your planning. So, I don’t really have anything better to do and I could take him to the station.” He smiled, but still avoided looking at the redhead, simply because his heart was speeding up already at the mere thought of his lively eyes.
The suggestion was met with eagerness, as they all thought it was the best plan for the situation. Norie especially was glad, thinking that it was amazing how the two seemed to get along so well. The first meeting had obviously been a success, only that she had no idea to what extent.
In less than an hour, after long goodbyes of every family member hugging each other and saying time and time again how they should meet more often, Die and Toshiya were both sitting in the car on their way to the railway station. There seemed to be something in the air still, this odd tension and Toshiya could’ve sworn it was almost like electricity. He wanted so badly to say something, to open a discussion and yet he couldn’t come up with anything that would’ve sounded good. Everything he came up with sounded either downright stupid, or nearly psychotic. Or what was he supposed to say? Hey Die, I know we met only yesterday, but I really think I am in love with you? Certainly not.
It seemed that the silence would go on forever. They were both stealing long glances at each other though, and just when Toshiya was about to get all worked up over that, letting the nervousness well up, he was pulled back from his thoughts. Die laughed. His carefree, merry laughter filled the still air and broke the silence, making everything seem much less suffocating and in mere seconds, Toshiya was laughing too. They were acting like kids, allowing something like this to silence them, and they couldn’t help but to laugh at their own behavior.
“C’mon, Toshiya, pull over,” Die demanded somewhere between his chuckles, his eyes sparkling deeply as he looked at the other man, quite openly this time. “Stop the car. I think we need to talk for a second.” They had reserved a lot time so that they wouldn’t be late, thus they could afford wasting some moments on the roadside. Gladly, Toshiya complied and the next given chance he drove off the road to a small resting stop that looked completely abandoned.
When they stopped, Die wordlessly exited the car, and Toshiya followed suit without needing to be asked. He was still smiling, as somehow the laughter had loosened the knot inside of him and helped him to breathe more freely. He circled the car, until he was standing right beside the redhead, who was leaning against the side-door, his hands in his pockets. He looked calm, a soft smile dancing on his lips as he just kept on gazing into the horizon. Toshiya didn’t mind, this gave him the perfect opportunity to study those features that had made such a big impact on him during these few hours they had known each other.
Toshiya didn’t know what to say, so he stayed silent. Hadn’t it been Die to ask for the talk to begin with? Maybe he knew what was going on, and what they should do. Hell, they hadn’t even established if there was anything mutual between them, or if it just was a one-sided crush from Toshiya’s end. That would be swell, Toshiya snorted inwardly, he was already in big enough troubles just for harboring such unsuitable feelings for the brother of his girlfriend.
It felt like an eternity, although in reality he didn’t even have to wait for long before Die spoke up. He still didn’t look at the other man, but his voice was firm enough to show that his whole attention was in the exchanged words. “You know, I wish I had a manual I could read to know what I should say,” he began, turning his head just a little bit, enough so he could look at the other man from the corner of his sparkling eyes. “Since this is quite unusual, eh? Awkward too.” For a moment he paused, and when Toshiya still didn’t say anything, he went on while this time turning to face him properly. “Toshiya, I’ve seen how you look at me. Please tell me it’s not only in my imagination.”
Toshiya wasn’t certain if he saw right when he noticed a small almost insecure flash in those deep eyes directed at him. Somehow he had the feeling that as much as neither of them shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be feeling this, they were equally deep in the swamp. He didn’t say anything, and instead stepped closer until their chests were almost touching. He brought his hand up, touching the other man’s cheek and his heart skipped a beat when he realized that this was it. Gently, he ran his thumb up the incredibly smooth cheek until he could brush a strand of silky red hair off the other man’s face.
Only the cold wind was their companion as their lips finally met in a slow, sensual kiss. It was tentative at first, neither of them really knowing just how much they wanted, how much they would be granted. Yet with the passing seconds they grew more courageous, more hungry. Die’s arms found their way around the other man’s neck, holding on to him, while Toshiya in turn had placed his palms on his companion’s narrow hips.
Time seemed to stand still, and for one precious moment they felt like they were alone in the world. It almost felt that they had a chance. Until the need for air forced them apart. With a startled gasp they pulled away from each other, and for the next few seconds, a thousand heartbeats, they simply gazed at each other. Die was the one who spoke first, his voice a bit choked although there was a smile on his lips. A sad smile. “We shouldn’t… We can’t.”
Toshiya knew he was right. He knew that at the same time, this was the first and the last time for them. Somehow that one single kiss had given them all they needed to know, had given them the certainty that whatever was going on, it was mutual. Yet it didn’t mean that they could do anything to it. They were still bound by the situation, whether they wanted or not.
When they got back into the car, it was like their silent promise to do what they had to do.
v
For a while things went fine. Toshiya and Norie got back to their own apartment after the week of holidays at her parents’, got back to their old routines and to the steady pace of their lives. They still had fun together, and everything seemed to be just like it had been before. Outwardly. Inside, everything had changed. Toshiya knew that he should be grateful for a girl like Norie, for finding someone who seemed to always understand him and who made him smile in so many ways. He still loved her, cared for her and no matter what he didn’t want to hurt her.
Yet, he couldn’t stop thinking of another. Not a day went by that he didn’t remember that kiss shared on an empty resting-stop. Not a single day went by that he didn’t think of the eyes that had captured him the first second he had looked into them. He tried, he honestly tried to focus on the essential and to bring his life back to what it had been. Still, it was a futile attempt straight from the beginning. No matter what he did, Die was on his mind, and there was nothing he could do to that.
The worst thing in it was the constant bad conscience. Toshiya didn’t want to be unfaithful to Norie, and yet so many times they were lying in bed next to one another, and while she was fast asleep he kept on wondering if Die was thinking of him as much as he thought of him. When they had kissed, it had been mutual. But he had no way to know if Die still was thinking of him, if he was as hung up on the feelings and the moment as he was. He had thought he could live with it, but it proved to be too much to handle.
In a fit of desperation, he searched Norie’s address book, flipped through the yellow worn pages until he found a few scribbled lines that were her brother’s address and phone-number. At first Toshiya considered calling him, seeing that he lived several hours away and going over wasn’t going to happen within a day even. Yet everything essential they had exchanged had been wordless, had been silent understanding of mutual feelings instead of coherently exchanged words. The need to just see him was too strong, too much to ignore.
Toshiya had never believed in lying, no matter how much the truth hurt. This time he found himself telling Norie about this unexpected work-related trip he had to take over a weekend, trying to come up with a believable enough explanation that wouldn’t raise any suspicions. Norie just smiled at him, gave him a kiss and told him she’d miss him. And right at that moment, Toshiya felt like the biggest asshole on earth.
It didn’t stop him from putting his plans into action though. The next Friday, he found himself sitting in the train with only a small suitcase with him, packed with neat clothes for “work” as he had to keep up the appearances after all. Only that he wasn’t traveling to any sort of meeting. He was traveling to the man that kept on haunting his mind, to see if he could find back the missing piece of his heart. The mere thought made him feel pathetic, as truth to be told, he wasn’t missing only a bit of his heart but instead the largest chunk of it. But maybe, just maybe, he would be able to fix it now.
Late in the evening he was standing in front of a door that had no name on it, only a number, and he wasn’t even sure if he would have the guts to ring the doorbell. He wasn’t even sure if Die was home. Hell, he didn’t know anything about him. He didn’t know where he worked, if he was out partying on Fridays, if he was in a relationship… or the most importantly, if he even wanted to see him. Finally he gathered himself and rang the bell, the sound of it seeming all too harsh in the otherwise silent building.
It only took a few moments and the door already clicked open, a puff of red appearing first before followed by the face that Toshiya had been dreaming of for the past weeks, day and night. Die’s eyes widened instantly, his lips parted in a surprised gasp and for a second he was too stunned to even say anything. Finally he seemed to get over it, only a slight hint of insecurity – maybe even hope – mixed in his voice. “Toshiya? What are you doing here?”
“I…” Toshiya drawled, cracking a crooked smile as he couldn’t really explain what had been going on in his head when he had decided to come. “I needed to see you.” Maybe the most simple explanation would work best? At least it was the truth. The complete, utter truth. He had needed to see the other man, badly enough to lie about it and to do it on a whim without a second thought. The explanation seemed to be more than enough to Die, as he just smiled, opening the door further.
“Then, come on in.”
vi
As weird as it might’ve sounded, Toshiya hadn’t had any expectations what could come out of this. He had simply needed to see Die, needed to see him so badly that he hadn’t been able to think of anything else. So, now that they ended up spending the first evening watching TV, eating some add-only-water instant food, it felt as natural as anything else would’ve felt. Maybe they needed some pretended normalcy to bring balance to their unusual situation. Whatever it was, they spent the first hours just picking on their food, absent-mindedly watching the game-show that was on although in reality they were only stealing long glances at each other.
Only long after midnight, they steered away from the idle chit chat and began to tentatively address the current situation they were in. It was Die who shifted first on his seat, turning to face the other man better. They were sitting side by side on the small couch, and even now were far too close to each other. Or not close enough. Whichever it was, it made their hearts beat faster, pump like mad like their lives depended on it. Finally, Die managed to open the discussion with the question that had been burning his mind for hours now.
“Does she know you’re here?” He didn’t need to say who he meant, as they both instantly knew it. There was only one person that they could be referring to, at a moment like this, when they were going to have a conversation like this.
It took Toshiya only a heartbeat to decide he didn’t want to go for any half-hearted explanations or vague descriptions. So he replied with a simple “No.” as he knew that it told them both enough. Die simply nodded, didn’t ask anything further as he thoughtfully chewed on his lower lip. Even at an awkward moment like this, Toshiya couldn’t help but to think that the gesture alone was enough to make his heart skip a beat and make him stare.
A short silence followed, and somehow it was one of the comfortable kind. Even in the given situation, there was nothing but easiness between them, underlined by the mass of emotions and feelings neither of them had managed to name yet. When the silence ended, it was again Die who spoke up, his voice barely audible in the silent air. “Why did you come?”
Toshiya smiled. He hadn’t been sure of his motives when he had decided to come over. Even when he’d been standing behind the closed door a few hours ago, he had thought that this was just ridiculous and that he shouldn’t have ever tried anything like this. Yet now… now that he was sitting there, beside the other man, he knew that this was exactly what he had needed to do, exactly what was supposed to happen. There was nothing but honesty in his voice as he spoke up, repeated what he had said already at the door while reaching out to run his fingertips over the smooth skin of the redhead’s cheek. “I just needed to see you.”
The soft touch on his cheek made Die close his eyes, the faintest of sighs falling from his lips as he obviously enjoyed the feeling all too much. His heart stopped for a second, and he couldn’t help but to think that it would be just all too easy to cross the last distance between them to initiate a kiss. Yet he held back, didn’t give in to the temptation as he knew it wasn’t all about what he wanted. What they wanted. This was about Norie too. He shook his head a bit, an almost bitter little chuckle spilling from him. “This is so ridiculous…”
He didn’t have the time to say anything further, to speak about his fears and his thoughts, to repeat what they had both already gone through in their minds about the completely stuck situation. How ironic was it that they found each other like this? That they would end up hurting the one person neither of them ever wanted to harm in any possible way? Die couldn’t voice any of that though, not before Toshiya pressed his index finger on his soft lips to silence him. Their eyes met, and something in the other man’s smile made Die calm down, his racing thoughts stilling for a while at last.
The next moment their lips met. Die closed his eyes, allowing Toshiya’s mere scent devolve on him as it was something so distinctively him; a mix of soap, cologne, tobacco and just pure Toshiya. It felt as if the kiss gave them all the answers in the world, everything they had been craving for, everything they had missed. Neither of them said a single word when they broke apart in the need for air, and like drawn by gravity they met each other halfway as they initiated the next one. Long, sensual kisses turned hungry, the hungry kisses turned to more feverish, unfocused ones, their hands roaming on exposed skin like their life depended on it.
They didn’t have any answers. For the time being they needed none.
Even afterwards they were silent for long, lying on the couch close to each other, although it was too short and they had to fold themselves to fit there properly. Toshiya had wrapped his arms around Die’s shoulders, was toying with a soft strand of red hair. Coevally, Die had rested his head on the other man’s chest and was focusing on his heartbeat. Somehow the steady, unchanging rhythm of his heart was enough to calm him down and fill him with positivity. Things would work out. Somehow.
The silence was cut by Die’s soft voice, resonating in the otherwise still air oddly audibly, although it was a mere breath in reality. “I never intended this to happen.” The words had certain guilt in them, carrying mixed emotions that were swirling in his mind. Yet, regret was missing. He knew this wasn’t right, and he was honest when he said he never wanted this to really happen. Still now that it did… he simply couldn’t make himself regret it. He was too weak, rather dwelled on the peacefulness of the moment than thought of all the what-ifs.
“I know.” There was certain calmness in Toshiya’s voice, and he stopped toying with the red strand of hair, instead placing his palm on the other man’s shoulder to give it a small squeeze. He knew that it wouldn’t be this easy, that drama would follow in both their lives before they would even have the chance to a normal life together. There was no guarantee that it would even work. Still, he couldn’t help but to feel like this was finally the right path for him to follow. Even if the way he had gotten there hadn’t been exactly the best one. Slowly, he brought his fingers to the other man’s jaw, made him tilt his head so they could look each other in the eye. “If you could turn back time, would you want to make this undone?”
Die smiled. Honestly. So that it reached up all the way to his eyes. And when he replied, everything seemed to fall into place in Toshiya’s mind. “No.”
“Neither would I.”
vii
After that first shared weekend, it was obvious that they couldn’t keep away from each other for long. It was like the floodgates of doom were opened and now it was futile to even try and hold back the masses of water that were washing through with such massive force it easily drowned two helpless human beings in the midst of it all. They couldn’t meet in secrecy, and neither of them even wanted to. Toshiya had always been more or less the everything-or-nothing type and he wanted to be open in everything, especially in love. They kept calling each other, talking in low voices and trying to figure out what would be the best way to act, hidden love-confessions slipped in the midst of the talk.
They knew they had to do something to this, things couldn’t go on forever without being solved somehow. Yet neither of them knew how they could break the news to Norie. Toshiya was certain that she was already aware that something was going on, something out of the usual, although she probably couldn’t connect the pieces well enough to know her brother had anything to do with it. Toshiya’s behavior was far from normal though, especially since the usually so affectionate and touchy young man was practically running from every kind of physical contact. It felt like a small eternity, although in reality didn’t even take two weeks before things began to unfold.
Toshiya and Die decided that the best way to deal with this would to talk with Norie, all three of them present as after all, this was something that they all had to sort out one way or another. Die had already taken the next possible Friday off from work, intending on coming over so they could use the whole weekend if necessary to see where things would be heading. Yet they should’ve known that in a situation like that, even good plans have the tendency to backfire. Fate decided otherwise, and they never got the chance to talk to Norie about it. Not before she figured everything out herself.
Apparently she had only needed Toshiya’s phone as she hadn’t found her own, and had gotten curious after seeing her brother’s number amongst the others. She hadn’t been meaning to spy, and yet it had been just all too easy to check just how many times the number had been dialed. Why would her fiancé call her brother this often? Several times a day. There had to be something going on, and for a while she entertained herself with the thought that the two were planning some kind of a surprise for her. In a twisted way, she was right, as she would come to realize later.
This time she hadn’t meant to spy either. She simply happened to come home earlier than she had promised, and the next thing she knew she heard a one-sided phone call. She heard her boyfriend talk in a low voice to someone, and for some reason she knew he was talking about her. He was saying he didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want to make things worse than absolutely needed. She heard him confess his love to the person in the other end of the line, twice. And when she heard her brother’s name she felt like her whole world was coming down in one huge explosion of sheer hurt.
The inevitable confrontation came sooner than expected. She waited until he had ended the call, when all she could hear was silence. Slowly, she pushed the door open and stepped into the living room, only to see Toshiya standing in the middle of the room and looking at her from eyes widened by surprise. There was such a serious, frozen expression on her face that they both instantly knew what would happen next. “What was that all about?” She demanded, her voice barely audible as she didn’t really know what to say. She received no reply, Toshiya being too surprised to be able to talk. That was when she snapped.
“Just tell me, what the fuck is going on!?” Norie didn’t even try to control her voice, practically shrieking and that already showed just how shaken she was as she usually never yelled. There were tears burning in her eyes, leaving a glossy shimmer in them and one could see the tense set of her jaw as she tried to steel herself for what was to come. Toshiya didn’t really want to say anything. He didn’t want to confirm her suspicions, didn’t want to break her dreams and her expectations. Yet there was nothing he could do to it, and if nothing else he at least owed her the truth.
He didn’t have the time to go on before she spoke up again, her voice trembling slightly as she was obviously suppressing tears. “Tell me, Toshiya. Do you even love me?” Then, she froze, looking at him expectantly and just waited for the reply, whatever it would be. Toshiya already opened his mouth, wanted to say that of course he loved her. Of course he did. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He didn’t believe in them, not with his whole heart and he didn’t want to lie to her. He struggled for words, tried to figure out how to say it best. And it took a long moment before he spoke up.
“I care for you, Norie, I honestly do,” he couldn’t help that his voice broke in the end, that there was an almost pleading undertone to it as he wished so much for her to believe him, to understand why he did what he did, “I care for you. But him. Him I love.”
The expression on Norie’s face was something Toshiya never had wanted to see, and he would’ve done anything to prevent things from coming to this. He could literally see her heart break, shatter into thousand pieces and it made him feel like suffocating, like an iron band was wrapped around his chest and squeezing until he could no longer breathe. She didn’t say anything, didn’t even try to speak, and she only looked straight at him for a long moment before turning around on her heels.
She left. And right at that moment Toshiya wasn’t sure if he’d ever see her again.
viii
Good things never come without a price tag. That was the lesson life wanted to teach before giving Toshiya what he wanted. He had already thought he had found his happiness, before something else was presented to him and he couldn’t resist the temptation, couldn’t ignore his own desires and had to reach out and grab it. Yet there had been nothing freewilling in it. No one had asked him if he wanted to fall in love, head over heels. He had tried to resist it, even, had tried to fight it and yet he had been pulled back again and again until there was no way to let go. With bleeding fingers he had tried to resist, and still something – he liked to call it fate – had pulled him away from the steady, planned course of his life to something new.
Now, years later, he knew that everything happened with a purpose. Easily, he had accepted the new course of his life, even if it meant broken hearts and torn relationships that needed to be mended. It took time, time that would heal the wounds, and never did his belief in that falter. He knew things would sort out one way or another. Even if it meant that he wasn’t welcome to the home of Die’s parents, not even after they had been sharing their lives for half a decade. Even if it meant he would never meet Norie again, although he still cared for her and wished her all the best in life.
Even if it meant that Die’s relations to his family, once so genuine and warm, were nowadays forced and stiff. It bothered him more than he wanted to show, and only the confidence that he was taking the path he had wanted to, had to, tread gave him the will to go on. Along with the never ending positivity from Toshiya that was rubbing off on him and made him believe things would turn out fine once. Things had to turn out fine. They just needed to work on that.
And they knew they would always be there for each other.
In the morning, when Toshiya woke up to a new day and saw the puff of red right next to him, a set of sleepy eyes blinking to open, he knew this was all worth it.
This was all worth it.
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Ha, if I had a brother with a female Japanese name, I would poke fun at him like every stinking day. I'm terrible....
And, you're welcome!