rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 07:29 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 07:29 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Title: I love the rain, the tears heaven cries for I cannot cry myself
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: PG13, contains self-mutilation of some sort
Pairing: KyoxToshiya
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the persons mentioned in this nor have any connections with them. I do not get any money from this, and it's written solely for entertainment purposes meaning no harm.
Comments: Okay, now what to say. A short fic that I wrote in bus while getting back from visiting my parents. It’s about Kyo hurting himself and Toshiya wanting to help.
I love the rain,
the tears heaven cries for I cannot cry myself
I used to hurt myself on stage; draw deep cuts in my arms, make myself bleed. It made the pain I carried inside of me subside for a moment. I don’t know when I became such a mess that I couldn’t deal with the oppression anymore. All I know is that seeing the blood spill from my body made everything feel real. And I had something to hold on.
Usually on stage I let the music flow through me, and take over. I get lost in the rhythms of the bass and it feels like my heart is pumping blood in time with its beat. Then I need to set it free. The deep red flow running in my veins.
I did that for god knows how long. Then one day he came to talk to me. Our sensitive and emotional bassist, whom I considered to be the most important person in my life.
I was sitting on the bench beside the window. Small raindrops were falling rapidly and fascinated I watched them run along the glass. I pressed my forehead against the cold surface of the windowpane. The door creaked open softly. “Kyo?” Why did he come here? Do I really have to answer… “Ngh.” That should do it. It should inform him that I’m aware of his presence. And my tone of voice should tell him that I want to be alone.
His soft footsteps came nearer, I could hear each one of them echo in the room. Then his warm presence was beside me, and he sat on the floor next to my feet. He looked up at me, but I glued my gaze at the rain. His silent whisper reached my ears. “Why do you do this, Kyo.” But he didn’t wait for an answer, he was more talking to himself. He took my wounded arm and began to clean the cuts carefully. I winced a little as he worked on my arm, but I still didn’t look at him. I continued on staring outside at the rain.
“You know, Kyo.” He spoke softly, lovingly. “I love the rain. By looking at it I cry, it washes away all the bad things.” Surprised I looked at him. He smiled. That tender smile made its way straight into my heart and I will carry it there till the end of my days. He intertwined his long and slender fingers with mine, and I leaned a bit closer. “Just feel the rain.”
I did as he told me. I let the rain cry for me. And to my surprise it worked, the rain did wash away some of the pain.
And his presence did the rest.
***
My life went on as it had gone on that far. Except that I didn’t hurt myself physically so often anymore. I didn’t take it to the limit. Toshiya stared at the rain with me occasionally, and I loved the comfort of his company. Then one day he came to me again, intending to talk with me seriously.
The others had left already, I needed to work on some lyrics and I had decided to stay for a while. In fact I thought that he’d gone too, but then I felt his familiar presence behind me. “Kyo? Can I talk to you.” I turned to face him. “You know you can.” He seemed nervous and it looked like he’d lost all the words he needed. I watched as he frowned a little, his pretty lips forming a thin line. He shifted his weight from one foot to another and shook his head.
“What if I told you something unexpected… Would you hate me?” My eyes widened and I shook my head frantically. “No. Never.” He seemed to be relieved, and smiled at me happily. I let my lips curl up a little, to answer his gesture. What was it he wanted to tell me so badly? When he finally spoke after a long silence I felt like my life had finally got its meaning.
“I think I love you.”
That day showed me, the rain can cry happy tears too.
***
We were happy for years. I couldn’t believe my luck since I loved him and he loved me in return. We watched the rain together, letting it cry for our sorrows and comfort each other or share our happiness with the gentle watering. Either way it was contentment.
Shinya always said that we would all die from cancer since we smoked so much. We just laughed at him, and waved the worries off. But then he got sick. My beautiful, perfect bassist got cancer. Our drummer said that he would’ve never wanted to be right, but there was nothing to do. Toshiya’s disease was discovered too late. All we could do was hope. Hope didn’t take very far, as I noticed.
“Kyo?” I looked at him from the doorway. His thin frame was pressed against the pillows, a huge blanket covered him so that he seemed to drown in the bed. The curtains were closed, only little light seeped through them. “Yes?” He raised his hand and reached towards me. I walked to him and sat down beside him.
His eyes were tired and he looked like he wanted to let go. I knew that the only reason he had made it this far was that he wanted to make sure I’d be okay. He wanted me to be ready to let go. I had watched him suffer for so long, that although I didn’t want to give up on him, I was beginning to wish that death would take him away. I couldn’t bear to see all that pain on his beautiful face.
“Kyo?” He repeated, searching me with his eyes in the dimly lit room. “I’m here.” I took his hand and squeezed it gently. I saw relief wash over his face as he relaxed a bit. “I was afraid that you had left.” I pressed his hand against my chest and felt the sorrow burning in my heart. “I could never leave you.” The rest of the tension disappeared from his face, and he closed his eyes.
“That’s good.”
I held him every night until he fell asleep. Then one morning I woke up. And he was gone.
It was all too much for me, and the sorrow inside of me smothered everything else. The tears made my eyes blurry. So this was it, the rain wasn’t enough anymore. I felt a big tear roll down my cheek.
The one and only time I cried myself.
[The title borrowed from Pain Confessor’s song ‘Poor Man's Crown’]
Author:
fonulynRating: PG13, contains self-mutilation of some sort
Pairing: KyoxToshiya
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the persons mentioned in this nor have any connections with them. I do not get any money from this, and it's written solely for entertainment purposes meaning no harm.
Comments: Okay, now what to say. A short fic that I wrote in bus while getting back from visiting my parents. It’s about Kyo hurting himself and Toshiya wanting to help.
the tears heaven cries for I cannot cry myself
I used to hurt myself on stage; draw deep cuts in my arms, make myself bleed. It made the pain I carried inside of me subside for a moment. I don’t know when I became such a mess that I couldn’t deal with the oppression anymore. All I know is that seeing the blood spill from my body made everything feel real. And I had something to hold on.
Usually on stage I let the music flow through me, and take over. I get lost in the rhythms of the bass and it feels like my heart is pumping blood in time with its beat. Then I need to set it free. The deep red flow running in my veins.
I did that for god knows how long. Then one day he came to talk to me. Our sensitive and emotional bassist, whom I considered to be the most important person in my life.
I was sitting on the bench beside the window. Small raindrops were falling rapidly and fascinated I watched them run along the glass. I pressed my forehead against the cold surface of the windowpane. The door creaked open softly. “Kyo?” Why did he come here? Do I really have to answer… “Ngh.” That should do it. It should inform him that I’m aware of his presence. And my tone of voice should tell him that I want to be alone.
His soft footsteps came nearer, I could hear each one of them echo in the room. Then his warm presence was beside me, and he sat on the floor next to my feet. He looked up at me, but I glued my gaze at the rain. His silent whisper reached my ears. “Why do you do this, Kyo.” But he didn’t wait for an answer, he was more talking to himself. He took my wounded arm and began to clean the cuts carefully. I winced a little as he worked on my arm, but I still didn’t look at him. I continued on staring outside at the rain.
“You know, Kyo.” He spoke softly, lovingly. “I love the rain. By looking at it I cry, it washes away all the bad things.” Surprised I looked at him. He smiled. That tender smile made its way straight into my heart and I will carry it there till the end of my days. He intertwined his long and slender fingers with mine, and I leaned a bit closer. “Just feel the rain.”
I did as he told me. I let the rain cry for me. And to my surprise it worked, the rain did wash away some of the pain.
And his presence did the rest.
My life went on as it had gone on that far. Except that I didn’t hurt myself physically so often anymore. I didn’t take it to the limit. Toshiya stared at the rain with me occasionally, and I loved the comfort of his company. Then one day he came to me again, intending to talk with me seriously.
The others had left already, I needed to work on some lyrics and I had decided to stay for a while. In fact I thought that he’d gone too, but then I felt his familiar presence behind me. “Kyo? Can I talk to you.” I turned to face him. “You know you can.” He seemed nervous and it looked like he’d lost all the words he needed. I watched as he frowned a little, his pretty lips forming a thin line. He shifted his weight from one foot to another and shook his head.
“What if I told you something unexpected… Would you hate me?” My eyes widened and I shook my head frantically. “No. Never.” He seemed to be relieved, and smiled at me happily. I let my lips curl up a little, to answer his gesture. What was it he wanted to tell me so badly? When he finally spoke after a long silence I felt like my life had finally got its meaning.
“I think I love you.”
That day showed me, the rain can cry happy tears too.
We were happy for years. I couldn’t believe my luck since I loved him and he loved me in return. We watched the rain together, letting it cry for our sorrows and comfort each other or share our happiness with the gentle watering. Either way it was contentment.
Shinya always said that we would all die from cancer since we smoked so much. We just laughed at him, and waved the worries off. But then he got sick. My beautiful, perfect bassist got cancer. Our drummer said that he would’ve never wanted to be right, but there was nothing to do. Toshiya’s disease was discovered too late. All we could do was hope. Hope didn’t take very far, as I noticed.
“Kyo?” I looked at him from the doorway. His thin frame was pressed against the pillows, a huge blanket covered him so that he seemed to drown in the bed. The curtains were closed, only little light seeped through them. “Yes?” He raised his hand and reached towards me. I walked to him and sat down beside him.
His eyes were tired and he looked like he wanted to let go. I knew that the only reason he had made it this far was that he wanted to make sure I’d be okay. He wanted me to be ready to let go. I had watched him suffer for so long, that although I didn’t want to give up on him, I was beginning to wish that death would take him away. I couldn’t bear to see all that pain on his beautiful face.
“Kyo?” He repeated, searching me with his eyes in the dimly lit room. “I’m here.” I took his hand and squeezed it gently. I saw relief wash over his face as he relaxed a bit. “I was afraid that you had left.” I pressed his hand against my chest and felt the sorrow burning in my heart. “I could never leave you.” The rest of the tension disappeared from his face, and he closed his eyes.
“That’s good.”
I held him every night until he fell asleep. Then one morning I woke up. And he was gone.
It was all too much for me, and the sorrow inside of me smothered everything else. The tears made my eyes blurry. So this was it, the rain wasn’t enough anymore. I felt a big tear roll down my cheek.
The one and only time I cried myself.
[The title borrowed from Pain Confessor’s song ‘Poor Man's Crown’]
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beautifuly written dear
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THIS IS NOT AN EXCEPTION, YOU JERK!
;_; Great fic.... WAAAAH!
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I'm really glad to hear you liked it though, and that it managed to move you :) Thanks for dropping a comment!