rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2010-01-07 05:01 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2010-01-07 05:01 pm
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Learn to Love
2004
For years Toshiya had thought that it was just a minor crush he was harbouring for his friend. C’mon, it was natural to feel all light-headed and giddy with your best friend, right? There was nothing odd in seeking his company whenever he felt down, or trying to spend as much of his free time with him as possible. Right? Especially when it seemed that the other man was always a willing victim, never tried to wriggle away when Toshiya suggested hanging out together. Die was the only one of his friends who never tried to dodge the overly affectionate hugs, too. It had to be a sign that they were best friends, right?
Still, with time, it became painfully obvious to Toshiya just how much he was in love. He definitely knew how friendships worked like, remembered still being best friends with Kazuya and how things had rolled. There was something distinctively different in how he acted with Die, how they both were around each other. Realizing that you’re in love should be a good thing, in general. Yet, to Toshiya, realizing that was the moment when he relapsed again.
“I love you, Toshiya.”
The words were ringing in his ears when he was lying in his bed under the blankets, staring into the darkness. His eyes were wide open and in the darkness he could see images, flashes of the past he had tried to suppress for so long. Partly, he had succeeded. But now the images were back, the blood the desperation the fear and the pain… All of it was crushing down on him. And there was no one to talk to. He certainly couldn’t go to Die with this, not like he did every time he had something he needed to talk through. Not when it was Die that had triggered it in the first place.
He was scared. He had never really been in love, not unless one counted out these silly crushes he knew hadn’t been the real deal anyways. And the only person, besides his family, who had ever said he loved him, had ended up with his brains scattered on the pavement in a pool of blood. Actually, now that he thought of it, everyone who had ever loved him seemed to have ended up somewhere bad. His father had walked out on his mother, who had raised him and his little brother on her own. She had battled both cancer and some mental disorder Toshiya had never really learned to name. But he remembered when he had been trying to sleep at nights, listening to his mother crying in the next room and watching over his brother, hoping he wouldn’t wake up to it. He hadn’t even seen his brother in years now, not after he joined the band. Except for occasional phone-calls they didn’t have much contact. They had both moved on, and reminded each other too much of the past they wanted to forget.
Was loving him really that big of a deal? Loving him always ended up hurting the people who did. He was scared it would happen again, was afraid that it would drag Die down too. He couldn’t let it happen, now could he? If he loved him, he would keep him safe. He wouldn’t let Die fall in love with him in turn. He wouldn’t.
As determined as he was to stick to that, there wasn’t really anything he could do to it.
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2004
For years Toshiya had thought that it was just a minor crush he was harbouring for his friend. C’mon, it was natural to feel all light-headed and giddy with your best friend, right? There was nothing odd in seeking his company whenever he felt down, or trying to spend as much of his free time with him as possible. Right? Especially when it seemed that the other man was always a willing victim, never tried to wriggle away when Toshiya suggested hanging out together. Die was the only one of his friends who never tried to dodge the overly affectionate hugs, too. It had to be a sign that they were best friends, right?
Still, with time, it became painfully obvious to Toshiya just how much he was in love. He definitely knew how friendships worked like, remembered still being best friends with Kazuya and how things had rolled. There was something distinctively different in how he acted with Die, how they both were around each other. Realizing that you’re in love should be a good thing, in general. Yet, to Toshiya, realizing that was the moment when he relapsed again.
“I love you, Toshiya.”
The words were ringing in his ears when he was lying in his bed under the blankets, staring into the darkness. His eyes were wide open and in the darkness he could see images, flashes of the past he had tried to suppress for so long. Partly, he had succeeded. But now the images were back, the blood the desperation the fear and the pain… All of it was crushing down on him. And there was no one to talk to. He certainly couldn’t go to Die with this, not like he did every time he had something he needed to talk through. Not when it was Die that had triggered it in the first place.
He was scared. He had never really been in love, not unless one counted out these silly crushes he knew hadn’t been the real deal anyways. And the only person, besides his family, who had ever said he loved him, had ended up with his brains scattered on the pavement in a pool of blood. Actually, now that he thought of it, everyone who had ever loved him seemed to have ended up somewhere bad. His father had walked out on his mother, who had raised him and his little brother on her own. She had battled both cancer and some mental disorder Toshiya had never really learned to name. But he remembered when he had been trying to sleep at nights, listening to his mother crying in the next room and watching over his brother, hoping he wouldn’t wake up to it. He hadn’t even seen his brother in years now, not after he joined the band. Except for occasional phone-calls they didn’t have much contact. They had both moved on, and reminded each other too much of the past they wanted to forget.
Was loving him really that big of a deal? Loving him always ended up hurting the people who did. He was scared it would happen again, was afraid that it would drag Die down too. He couldn’t let it happen, now could he? If he loved him, he would keep him safe. He wouldn’t let Die fall in love with him in turn. He wouldn’t.
As determined as he was to stick to that, there wasn’t really anything he could do to it.
no subject
I like the short addition you made about his brother. That explains things to me. At first I only thought that they must have been very close as children with a sick mother and without a father, but now you know why they are not in contact anymore.
no subject
Good! I wanted to make it more clear since I did imagine them pretty close as children. But somehow it felt more suitable for the story not to have them so close anymore, in a way. Though, I could see them get closer again when they grow older too :)
no subject
I could see that now, after Tosh has found love finally, they are getting closer again. I mean that Die, the family-man, influences him in the right way and shows him that it is good to cling to the last remains of your family^^
no subject
That now made me smile :) I like the thought!