rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 06:10 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 06:10 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Title: Away with words
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seinen_no
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Die x Kaoru
Status: one-shot
Disclaimer: Do I have to? Okay, I own no one and it's all just my dirty imagination. There you go! Happy now?
Summary: Die's sent to a home for difficult youths. His new room-mate proves to be a silent young man who never speaks a word. Drawn by the mystery of the different, Die is determined to break the other's protective barrier, but finds himself sucked into his world; a world without the failure of speech. (okay, and now if that wasn't poetic then I dunno what is).
comment: What shall I say? I actually like this fic a lot, although the ending came out different from what I had imagined at first.
Away with words
The agitation and tormenting anticipation has exceeded the border of the bearable longest. Nervously, I'm kneeding my sweaty hands, while I'm waiting which is pretty much the only thing I did in the past years, waiting.
I should cut it here and tell my story from the beginning. Maybe you, the humble listener, wants to spare some time…
The door closed behind me and the headmaster left me on my own. After all, this was just another children's home for difficult youths like all the others I have been to before. Nothing ever seemed to change.
I put my suitcase on the bed in the right corner of the room and eyed the furniture with less interest. A bed, a small closet, one desk and a chair, that was it. Same thing on the opposite side of the room.
Nothing gave away, that there was somebody occupying the room already. No pesonal belongings, not posters, no clothes, simply nothing pointed out, that I had a room-mate. Nothing, exept the slender form that sat on the desk, his head slightly bowed over a piece of paper with a pencil in his hand that moved at furious speed across the blank sheet. He hadn't even bothered to look up when I had entered the room.
'So, this was the ominous Kaoru,' I thought. The headmaster and the few people I had met had already told me about him. He didn't seem to be eager to be part of the community and he never talked. Not a single word has left his lips in the years he had spent here, so I had been told. The others thought he was creepy and they avoided him. I, for my part, thought that was an interesting attitude that caught my curiosity instantly.
See, I'm a very talkative person, very communicative and if there's one thing, I cannot stand, it's people who don't seem to like me, people who hide something. Well, I must admit that my point of view was altered in a way I would have never imagined could be possible, but as for that moment, I was determined to break the muteness of this guy who still didn't waste a single glance at me.
So I strolled over to him, sat down on the desk nonchalantly, crossed my legs and piped "Hello, you must be Kaoru. I'm Daisuke, Die for short." I stretched my hand towards him, holding it up in the air with the friendliest smile I had to offer. I knew the effect my smile had on people and I shamelessly availed it for my own benefit.
He actually stopped his drawing and looked up. First directly in my eyes, then his view roamed down to my hand which he eyed as if he had never seen one before in his entire life. The first thing I noticed was his perfectly shaped face with its hawk-like features, the small curved nose, his delicate high cheekbones and the dark, almost black, almond eyes that seemed to be looking down straight at the bottom of my soul, though concealing every possible emotion of their owner in their dark abysses on their part and finally his small mouth with the lush bottom lip. I did not know what to make of his expression and became nervous. Thus I did what I use to do in situations like this, I paper over the cracks. So I widened my smile and waved my hand a bit to gain his attention. However, he didn't seem to be interested at all and turned back to his sheet of paper.
This reaction only fanned my curiosity and the urge to win this guy for me only grew bigger.
"Not much of a talker, are you?" I heard myself say before my view fastened on his drawing. Without giving it a second thought, my hand darted forward and I snatched the piece of paper from him. "Wow," I was honestly impressed, "This is awesome." The slight dark shadow that was cast over his eyes and the silent, almost inaudible noise of disapproval that escaped his throat passed me by unnoticed. At that time, I hadn't been very sensitive for other people's moods, but that was something that has changed during the time of our aquaintance. Something Kaoru has changed…
When I tried to turn the paper a bit so that I could have a proper look, I noticed a certain resistance. My eyes roamed to the edge of the drawing and I saw that Kaoru clung to it, even pulling a bit. I looked up and saw the annoyed look on his face as if I had just comitted a capital sin. Still, no word left his lips thus I pulled a bit more and forced him to decide whether to let go or risk to tear his work apart. He let go and I turned the drawing a bit more. Indeed it was stunning in an almost frightening way. A picture that seemed to have originated from the darkest nightmare imaginable. People were screaming, their hands clutching to their faces which was peeling off the skin, partly revealing muscles or fragments of the skulls. Others cowered on the floor, bleeding from their ears or eyes with wide open mouths, trying to scream, yet it seemed no sound arose from their throats. In the middle stood one single figure, a child, surrounded by bright lightning, pointing its finger at the suffering with a smile on the pouting lips.
Everything was so detailed, so perfectly drawn that a cold shiver ran down my spine. I handed Kaoru back the painting and frowned. "This is beautiful, in a terrifying sick and twisted way." When his expression remained blank, I jumped off the desk and decided to unpack. After all, I couldn't have expected this eccentric lunatic to open up after a few minutes of my presence. Still, I had anticipated it, because I had been very confident about the impression I left behind.
I will make a cut here and jump ahead a bit, because nothing interesting actually happened. Kaoru kept up his friendly way to ignore me, no matter how hard I tried to get his attention. At one point, I gave up on winning him. He wasn't hostile, in no way, he simply seemed to be uninterested.
In the outside world, which is what I soon called everything outside our room, I met a few people, just shallow aquaintances. From my previous experiences in various establishments like this, I had learned how to make friends with people without offering too much of myself. I know, this sounds selfish and snobbish, but it's just a way to protect yourself from getting disapointed. My classmates, however, were a bunch of pubescent nosy guys, nothing that could interest me for longer than an hour or two, just as long as lesson took. My mind was permanently circling around Kaoru, that person totally consumed my whole being, made me curious and I couldn't help the feeling that there was something to him that I simply had to discover, a secret side of him that just waited to be revealed.
It was tree weeks after I moved in and I sat on my bed, playing the guitar. Without sounding too arrogant, I must say that I had learned to use this instrument quite well and since the music hall was occupied, I had brought my guitar to our room. Without power, I was strumming some chords, not even noticing that Kaoru was sitting on his bed and read a book. He always read sophiticated literature, books I couldn't even spell the title, let alone understand their content. The others told me he was a straight a-class student, never even got an A minus. Only his refusal to participate in debates demoted his otherwise flawless report to a B only.
A noise caught my attention and when I raised my gaze, I saw that Kaoru had closed his book and stared back at me. This simple gesture of attention caused a blush to creep on my cheeks and I smiled at him, desperately trying to figure out what on earth I had done to receive this reaction, only to do it again. I had stopped playing chords and this blackhaired fairy-tale creature, which was what I acatually thought of him, an elf he was, mysterious and attracting in a way I have never felt about another human being, stretched out his arm and gestured towards my guitar. "What?" I asked dumbly, "Shall I go on?"
He nodded and I was ecstatic for this was the first 'answer' I had ever received to one of my questions. A nod, a simple nod and it made my heart bounce up and down. With the end of the tunnel of being ignored at hand, I began to play a melody. Of course it sounded odd on the electric guitar without power, yet his facial features displayed the slightest hint of a smile.
After I stopped, I looked up, right into his black eyes that seemed so clear from afar as if he was standing right in front of me. "Did you like it?" Again he nodded and my heart reacted the same way it had done before. There was no explanation for it, no reason why I felt so attracted to him, but I wasn't seeking for answers at that point. He got up and slowly walked over to me, seating his elitist butt right next to my average one. Suddenly, I had an inspiration and jumped to my feet. "Wait a moment, I'll be back in a second." I rushed out of the room, heading for the music-hall to fetch an acoustic guitar which would sound much better in our room and hopefully in his ears than my electric one unplugged.
When I returned and slipped into our room just like a burgler into a stranger's house, he still sat on my bed with my guitar in his hands. You can't possibly imagine how I felt when I realized that he actually held my instrument. He never touched things that belonged to me, never even used my chair. Now he was sitting on my bed with my instrument in his hands. I couldn't believe it.
I took my former place, my hands strumming the strings to see if the guitar was tuned and unhesitantly began to play an old sad tune. I have no idea why I chose that song, but Kaoru kept his eyes locked on my hands and listened carefully, a pleased smile on his lips. When I was finished, he strummed the electric guitar in his hands and it didn't take him 10 seconds before he played the notes he had just heard for the first time by heart. My jaw dropped a few inches and I gasped in admiration and disbelief. His slender hands moved over the strings as if he had never done anything else in his entire life. When he noticed my moronic expression, he chuckled. Of course, no sound left his lips, but his mouth curled into a wide smile and his adams apple moved up and down. "So you think I'm funny?" I asked a bit offended. Kaoru nodded a few times, still displaying this beautiful smile that softened his features and made his eyes sparkle like onyx.
This was the day that changed everything. We lay on my bed and played the guitar. I taught him all the handholds and everything else I knew and by the end of the day, he had exceeded my skills by far. I lolled on my bed, my head backed up by my hands and listened to his play as if it was the most natural thing to do. He sat in tailor-seat, the acoustic guitar in his delicate hands, my note-book opened on the bed in front of him and played one song after another. When he made a mistake, he shook his head and his countenance resembled the one of a little boy. He pouted and blew one of his long black strands that had fallen into his face away. Biting his bottom lip, he repeated the song from the beginning until it was perfect. When he noticed that I was fighting sleep, barely able to keep my eyes open, he got up and carefully put the guitar aside. With a nod and a smile, he wished me good night and went over to his part of the room where he took his toothbrush, soap and towel and left for the lavatories. He never undressed in our room and I knew he didn't shower when others were around to watch. Somehow I had assumed that it embarrassed him, but I was proven otherwise later...
However, this night changed our relationship and Kaoru and I developed some kind of special way to communicate. It took me some time, but slowly I understood how he was functioning. He answered questions that only left the option for 'yes' or 'no' and this only when it was compatible with his personal ethic. A 'definetely maybe' question would never even elicit a blink of his eyes.
The more I learned about the phenomenon that was Kaoru, the more he seemed to suck me in, engulf me in his mute world. Even outside, I began to become less talkative, kept silent and my comments to myself mostly. He had shown me the fallibility of words and it became clear to me, that words were the primal reason for mistunderstandings, arguments and in a later state, war. However, as much as I appreciated our pleasant silence, I wasn't Kaoru. In no way was I even remotely as perfect as he was in my eyes and so I still felt the urge to show him, that sometimes words were quite useful. But whenever I attempted to try him, I failed miserabely.
Here, I must make a cut and explain something that might not have become quite clear to you. It is something in Kaoru's behavior, something you only notice when you see him in person. It's his eyes. He emits his feelings through his eyes and he is in total control of what he lets you know and what he conceals. His approach to everything bears the innocence and purity of a child that hasn't been manipulated by the outer, the grown-up, world yet. There is no prejudice, no accusation in his actions, in his looks, only curiosity and politeness. One doesn't see it at once when you meet him, but it's just like that. On the other hand, he is cunning and can trick you with this childish innocence, although he never means any harm.
Okay, I go on now, again jumping ahead a bit, because I have noticed, that my time is short and I want to finish my story before it's too late. This next night changed everything again, but you will see...
It was one of this hot summer nights were it didn't seem to get dark completely and all you want is a bucket full of ice to shove your feet in only to cool down a bit.
I was lying on my bed, my eyes tightly closed and my hand provided me with a certain pleasure I used to seek from time to time. Hell, I was only 16, at the peak of my sexuality, and there was no girl in sight, living in a boy only children's home. Even the few times I had sneaked out at night to hit some clubs, I somehow didn't feel like getting laid. As weird as it sounds, I guess I had been so much consumed by Kaoru already that I would have felt like betraying him. Stupid? Incomprehensible? Very much! But since the pressure had to be released somehow, I did it. Polished the beet, jerked-off or whatever you want to call it.
Somewhere in my lust-flushed state, I heard a noise and my eyes shot open. There he was, Kaoru, cowering next to my bed with a bewildered expression on his face. I couldn't interpret his expression right away and simply stared back, stopping the movements under my sheets completely. Then it happened. He reached out his hand and touched my cheek, then my lips, his eyes bearing something between worry and lack of understanding. Did I moan or sigh? I guess so. My heart was still racing and the aching need between my legs made it almost impossible to catch a clear thought. I took a shaky breath and smiled at my confused room-mate, still not believing that he had no slightest idea what I was doing. "It's okay Kaoru," my voice sounded odd and the words were pressed out through clenched teeth, "I'm not sick." To an outsider, this must have sounded weird, but Kaoru indeed was worried about me. I saw it in his eyes. His cold fingers on my heated skin had left burning marks, that didn't lose their power even after he had taken them away again. He tilted his head, his gaze fastened on my eyes. Although the room was covered in the blanket of a dark-grey twilight, I could read their expression clearly.
When he still didn't move, his expression remaining motionless, I did something I have no explanation for, not even now. I removed the cover with my left hand and exposed myself, my right hand still laced around my hard flesh. I guess I blushed furiously, because my cheeks were buring with the powers of a thousand suns. His eyes grew to the size of saucers, looking to and fro from my lower part of the body to my face in astonishment. "Have you never done it?" I asked hoarsely. No reaction on his side. I left it at that for the moment, because I really had other things to attend. Slowly I picked up the movements of my right hand, stroking myself. Somehow I couldn't tear my eyes off him. I wanted to see his expression, wanted to elicit a certain reaction from him. The heat from my cheeks shot down to my groin and the fact that he was watching me, turned me on even more. The innocent childish look on his face, the exited expression I saw there prodded me to let go and let him see every single thing without feeling embarrassed anymore. The pressure built up quickly, low sighs and moans raising from my throat before I tensed and released myself all over my hand and my stomach.
My head fell back on the cushions and through my half closed eyes I saw him, bending over a bit to have a better look on my stained body. Out of curiosity, I believe, he reached out his hand, dipped his index finger in the turbid milky-white stickiness and brought it close to his face. He examined it intensely, rubbing it between his thumb and his index finger, smelled it and at last, tasted it. I took a sharp breath, wanted to prevent him from doing so, but it had been too late. Pondering, his eyes glued to the ceiling, he smacked a few times, then curled his face and wrinkled his nose disgustedly. "Doesn't taste like honey, huh?" I chuckled. He smiled at me and shook his head.
From that day on, he joined me whenever he noticed I was doing it. I got used to it, even enjoyed it, just like himself. By then I had been certain, that he never had experienced any kind of sexual actions thus far. Don't ask me how he survived it for I never asked him. Even if I would have, the answer would've been silence.
One night, I was sqirming on my sheets from pleasure, eyes tightly closed, I felt his hand upon mine. His delicate fingers touching parts of my heated flesh. I looked up at him questioningly and all he did was smile while he moved his hand along with mine in perfect unision. To test if this was really happening, I let go of myself and slowly retreated my hand, pulling it away from his grasp. He kept up his ministrations and I found myself surrender to the divine feelings his touch provided. "Gods," I panted out, not capable to form a rational thought. He might have been innocent, but he was able and an attentive student. For a moment, he stopped, looking at me with an arched eyebrow. "No.. don't stop," I asked, better said pleaded. And he went on until all I saw was a white blaze that blurred my further vision and drowned out everything else, utmost pleasure.
It took some time until I managed to open my eyes again. He still sat by my side, eying me closely with a smile dancing on the corners of his mouth. I sat up and looked at him, I mean really looked at him and then I did what felt like the most natural thing to do, I kissed him. Chastely, only lips on lips, but it was the best kiss I had gotten so far, because it was rewarded with his smile, a ravishingly beautiful smile.
I pulled back a bit, afraid to destroy the moment by demanding too much. My heart was racing, going a thousand miles an hour and it was then that I admitted to myself that I had fallen for this person; hard and without conditions on my side. With his silent passiveness he had won me over instead of the other way round. I sank back into the cushions, smiling blissfully. He smacked a few times, obviously measuring if the kiss had tasted good or not. Suddenly, he leaned down and pressed his lips on mine again. I was taken by surprise of his sudden action and gasped shocked. My eyes shot open when I felt his tongue entering my mouth, bereaving me of my breath. There was a certain demand in the way he moved his lips against mine that simply didn't fit my impression of him as an innocent pure fairy-tale crature, a certain wickedness that stunned me completely.
When I had recovered a bit, I snaked my arms around his neck and pulled him even closer. His looks and movements were elfish, but his scent and his taste were divine and drowned out everything else but the pure sensation that was him. He rocked his hips against mine, his mouth open wide, but still not a single sound escaping it. I moved my hands along his back, got hold of the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head without giving it a second thought. His touches were burning my skin everywhere and I knew this was it, this was where I wanted to be.
Sorry, if I cut it here again. It will only be a short one, promised, but this has to be explained.
At that moment, I thought about introducing him to the pleasure of sexuality to open his doors of perception, metaphorically spoken. Of course I wanted to fuck his brains out, but that was only the physical side. Mentally, I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, wanted him to feel what I felt. You must understand, that this wasn't only about primal appetite, this was about the purity an act only held when shared between equal lovers.
However, all my good intentions became undone, my naive perception of him got another scratch when I felt one of his lithe fingers entering me without advance warning. I yelped startled and looked at him in disbelief. He smirked and kissed me again, slipping another finger inside. My heart was pounding in my throat and the mixed cokctail of emotions that ran through my veins sped it's beat up even more. His hand stroke the inner side of my thigh, urging me to spread my legs without force. And I complied, offering myself to him. He kissed me once again tenderly, soothingly, then he slid down and knelt between my legs. I haven't even noticed when he had gotten rid of his boxers. This felt like a dream, although I seemed to be at the wrong side. Somehow, in my imagination it had been me who would've to comfort him, me who would've covered his own arousal in a mixture of saliva and my semen. I soon found out, that this wasn't a dream, when he pushed himself inside me, slowly. The pain that radiated from my lower part of the body, racing along the nerve tracts of my spine until it reached my brain, was enormous. I bit my lower lip and only the mere fact that it was Kaoru who caused this pain made it bearable and prevented me from screaming out loud. Affectionately, he cupped my cheek in his hand and stroke my quivering lips with his thumb. His mouth was open and his chest heaving, just as mine but from different reasons.
After a moment, I didn't feel like being torn apart anymore and got used to the pain and the odd feeling inside me. "Go on," I whispered, not trusting my voice. He pecked my forehead and reached for my hand, folding our fingers. Slowly he began to move. At first, it still hurt and left a burning feeling, but the more he moved, the more the pain subsided. Then, he hit something that literally caused stars to dance before my eyes and drowned out the slightest trace of pain, almost like it never had been there. I arched my back up and moaned hoarsely. His thrusts became more stable, more rhythmic and I tried to meet them half way, spreading my legs submissively even further to urge him deeper. The sweet sensations he caused made me quiver and quietly beg for more. I had never experienced such pleasure before, never felt this passion for somebody until then. The only noise that filled the otherwise quiet room arose from my throat and the soft clapping noise of skin on skin when he trusted foward. His mouth was open and I saw the lust in his eyes, yet the only audible sign for his existance was the inevetible noise of his respiration.
"Kaoru," I loved the way how easily his name fell from my lips and echoed in my ears. I was so close to the edge again, so close yet too far away. He understood my plea and moved his hand to my anew awakened member, stroking it in time with his thrusts. The feeling was incredible and I hooked my legs around his hips to pull him closer, not wanting to miss a single possible touch of his skin on mine. The heat increased until it became unbearable. All my muscles tensed and I felt like dying at that very moment. The same second I spilled my hot seed beetween our bodies, I felt his deep inside me. Exhausted, I collapsed, not capable of thinking anything, savoring the blissful sensation that lingered in me, coursed throug my blood with every pump of my racing heart. I rose my hand and touched his parted lips, feeling his breath on my fingertips. Neither had he rewarded me with the sound of his orgasm, nor with calling my name, but that didn't mean anything. I knew he loved me. It must have been love, not an act of animal appetite. His kisses felt like love, his tender touches on my cheeks felt like love and finally, his beautiful smile felt like love.
I must say that this had been the most altering experience I have ever gone through so far. After this, the world didn't seem to be the same anymore. I looked at things with different eyes from that day on.
We were in love. Both of us. Exchanging simple gestures, kisses and affectionate touches whenever it was possible. I couldn't believe my luck that I actually was allowed to be with this fairy-tale creature, to see the utmost display of bliss on his face whenever we had sex.
However, our happyness didn't last long. One day, I just returned from class, I found his suitcase on his bed, fully packed and ready to leave. The headmaster stood next to him and watched every of his movements with eagle-eyes.
"What's going on?" My question tore through the silence and resonated strangely in my ears. Kaoru looked at me wearily from reddened eyes. "Niikura will be moved to a mental asylum." Was the short answer I received. The rest was drowned out by my racing thoughts. I only heard single pieces of the man's explanation. That Kaoru was mentally disturbed and needed help. He would be commited until he reached the age of consent, his 21st birthday.
From that moment on, I only remember fragments. I was shouting, pleading, begging the headmaster to reconsider his decision. Hysterically, I took him by his shoulders and shook him "You can't do this. He is perfectly normal. It's the others who are insane." I have no rememberance of what had happened then. Only Kaoru's indulgent smile, imprinted in my memory like carved in stone, remained, when the paramedics showed up and shot me a tranquilizer that sent me to a deep sleep from which I awoke a whole day later.
The only thing I achieved with my rage attack was, that they denied me to see him. I wasn't even told to which asylum they had brought him. However, I managed to find out and pulled out all the stops to send him a letter. One single letter in almost five years...
I turned 17, 18, 19 and 20 years old, lived on my own for a long time already. Still I wasn't allowed to see him. They told me, he didn't want to meet me, but I am sure they didn't even ask. They thought I had a bad influence on him, there is no other explanation for this.
However, now I'm standing here in front of this huge gate and wait for him to come out. Nervous, uncertain of how it will be. There has never been another person in my life, for I still love him and him only. Hell, I didn't even speak much, only the necessary. If my patience was in vain, I will find out in a few moments. The gate opens and he steps out. His beauty, flawless, his movements still the fairy-tale creature he had been back then. When his eyes catch my appearance, he smiles and this alone is sufficient to make my heart flutter with joy and my knees become weak. He recognizes me, although I dyed my hair red and had grown a bit. I take a few insecure steps towards him until he es in reach, then my courage failes me and all I can do is to stare at him in anticipation. He let go of his suitcase, closes the distance between us and embraces me. A relieved sigh leaves my lips and tears rise in my eyes until no barriers can hold them back anymore and they run freely over my cheeks. He pulls back a bit and looks in my face. A single tear has made its way from his eye and leaves a silver trace behind.
"Daisuke." He smiles and the sound of his voice, as divine as the rest of him echoes in my ear like a soft spring breeze. I try to memorize it, capture it forever in my heart. "Please, say it again," I ask and touch his lips with my trembling hand. He kisses my fingertips, takes my hand in his and whisperes "Daisuke." Then he closes the last distance between us and kisses me.
Author:
seinen_noRating: NC17
Pairing: Die x Kaoru
Status: one-shot
Disclaimer: Do I have to? Okay, I own no one and it's all just my dirty imagination. There you go! Happy now?
Summary: Die's sent to a home for difficult youths. His new room-mate proves to be a silent young man who never speaks a word. Drawn by the mystery of the different, Die is determined to break the other's protective barrier, but finds himself sucked into his world; a world without the failure of speech. (okay, and now if that wasn't poetic then I dunno what is).
comment: What shall I say? I actually like this fic a lot, although the ending came out different from what I had imagined at first.
Away with words
The agitation and tormenting anticipation has exceeded the border of the bearable longest. Nervously, I'm kneeding my sweaty hands, while I'm waiting which is pretty much the only thing I did in the past years, waiting.
I should cut it here and tell my story from the beginning. Maybe you, the humble listener, wants to spare some time…
The door closed behind me and the headmaster left me on my own. After all, this was just another children's home for difficult youths like all the others I have been to before. Nothing ever seemed to change.
I put my suitcase on the bed in the right corner of the room and eyed the furniture with less interest. A bed, a small closet, one desk and a chair, that was it. Same thing on the opposite side of the room.
Nothing gave away, that there was somebody occupying the room already. No pesonal belongings, not posters, no clothes, simply nothing pointed out, that I had a room-mate. Nothing, exept the slender form that sat on the desk, his head slightly bowed over a piece of paper with a pencil in his hand that moved at furious speed across the blank sheet. He hadn't even bothered to look up when I had entered the room.
'So, this was the ominous Kaoru,' I thought. The headmaster and the few people I had met had already told me about him. He didn't seem to be eager to be part of the community and he never talked. Not a single word has left his lips in the years he had spent here, so I had been told. The others thought he was creepy and they avoided him. I, for my part, thought that was an interesting attitude that caught my curiosity instantly.
See, I'm a very talkative person, very communicative and if there's one thing, I cannot stand, it's people who don't seem to like me, people who hide something. Well, I must admit that my point of view was altered in a way I would have never imagined could be possible, but as for that moment, I was determined to break the muteness of this guy who still didn't waste a single glance at me.
So I strolled over to him, sat down on the desk nonchalantly, crossed my legs and piped "Hello, you must be Kaoru. I'm Daisuke, Die for short." I stretched my hand towards him, holding it up in the air with the friendliest smile I had to offer. I knew the effect my smile had on people and I shamelessly availed it for my own benefit.
He actually stopped his drawing and looked up. First directly in my eyes, then his view roamed down to my hand which he eyed as if he had never seen one before in his entire life. The first thing I noticed was his perfectly shaped face with its hawk-like features, the small curved nose, his delicate high cheekbones and the dark, almost black, almond eyes that seemed to be looking down straight at the bottom of my soul, though concealing every possible emotion of their owner in their dark abysses on their part and finally his small mouth with the lush bottom lip. I did not know what to make of his expression and became nervous. Thus I did what I use to do in situations like this, I paper over the cracks. So I widened my smile and waved my hand a bit to gain his attention. However, he didn't seem to be interested at all and turned back to his sheet of paper.
This reaction only fanned my curiosity and the urge to win this guy for me only grew bigger.
"Not much of a talker, are you?" I heard myself say before my view fastened on his drawing. Without giving it a second thought, my hand darted forward and I snatched the piece of paper from him. "Wow," I was honestly impressed, "This is awesome." The slight dark shadow that was cast over his eyes and the silent, almost inaudible noise of disapproval that escaped his throat passed me by unnoticed. At that time, I hadn't been very sensitive for other people's moods, but that was something that has changed during the time of our aquaintance. Something Kaoru has changed…
When I tried to turn the paper a bit so that I could have a proper look, I noticed a certain resistance. My eyes roamed to the edge of the drawing and I saw that Kaoru clung to it, even pulling a bit. I looked up and saw the annoyed look on his face as if I had just comitted a capital sin. Still, no word left his lips thus I pulled a bit more and forced him to decide whether to let go or risk to tear his work apart. He let go and I turned the drawing a bit more. Indeed it was stunning in an almost frightening way. A picture that seemed to have originated from the darkest nightmare imaginable. People were screaming, their hands clutching to their faces which was peeling off the skin, partly revealing muscles or fragments of the skulls. Others cowered on the floor, bleeding from their ears or eyes with wide open mouths, trying to scream, yet it seemed no sound arose from their throats. In the middle stood one single figure, a child, surrounded by bright lightning, pointing its finger at the suffering with a smile on the pouting lips.
Everything was so detailed, so perfectly drawn that a cold shiver ran down my spine. I handed Kaoru back the painting and frowned. "This is beautiful, in a terrifying sick and twisted way." When his expression remained blank, I jumped off the desk and decided to unpack. After all, I couldn't have expected this eccentric lunatic to open up after a few minutes of my presence. Still, I had anticipated it, because I had been very confident about the impression I left behind.
I will make a cut here and jump ahead a bit, because nothing interesting actually happened. Kaoru kept up his friendly way to ignore me, no matter how hard I tried to get his attention. At one point, I gave up on winning him. He wasn't hostile, in no way, he simply seemed to be uninterested.
In the outside world, which is what I soon called everything outside our room, I met a few people, just shallow aquaintances. From my previous experiences in various establishments like this, I had learned how to make friends with people without offering too much of myself. I know, this sounds selfish and snobbish, but it's just a way to protect yourself from getting disapointed. My classmates, however, were a bunch of pubescent nosy guys, nothing that could interest me for longer than an hour or two, just as long as lesson took. My mind was permanently circling around Kaoru, that person totally consumed my whole being, made me curious and I couldn't help the feeling that there was something to him that I simply had to discover, a secret side of him that just waited to be revealed.
It was tree weeks after I moved in and I sat on my bed, playing the guitar. Without sounding too arrogant, I must say that I had learned to use this instrument quite well and since the music hall was occupied, I had brought my guitar to our room. Without power, I was strumming some chords, not even noticing that Kaoru was sitting on his bed and read a book. He always read sophiticated literature, books I couldn't even spell the title, let alone understand their content. The others told me he was a straight a-class student, never even got an A minus. Only his refusal to participate in debates demoted his otherwise flawless report to a B only.
A noise caught my attention and when I raised my gaze, I saw that Kaoru had closed his book and stared back at me. This simple gesture of attention caused a blush to creep on my cheeks and I smiled at him, desperately trying to figure out what on earth I had done to receive this reaction, only to do it again. I had stopped playing chords and this blackhaired fairy-tale creature, which was what I acatually thought of him, an elf he was, mysterious and attracting in a way I have never felt about another human being, stretched out his arm and gestured towards my guitar. "What?" I asked dumbly, "Shall I go on?"
He nodded and I was ecstatic for this was the first 'answer' I had ever received to one of my questions. A nod, a simple nod and it made my heart bounce up and down. With the end of the tunnel of being ignored at hand, I began to play a melody. Of course it sounded odd on the electric guitar without power, yet his facial features displayed the slightest hint of a smile.
After I stopped, I looked up, right into his black eyes that seemed so clear from afar as if he was standing right in front of me. "Did you like it?" Again he nodded and my heart reacted the same way it had done before. There was no explanation for it, no reason why I felt so attracted to him, but I wasn't seeking for answers at that point. He got up and slowly walked over to me, seating his elitist butt right next to my average one. Suddenly, I had an inspiration and jumped to my feet. "Wait a moment, I'll be back in a second." I rushed out of the room, heading for the music-hall to fetch an acoustic guitar which would sound much better in our room and hopefully in his ears than my electric one unplugged.
When I returned and slipped into our room just like a burgler into a stranger's house, he still sat on my bed with my guitar in his hands. You can't possibly imagine how I felt when I realized that he actually held my instrument. He never touched things that belonged to me, never even used my chair. Now he was sitting on my bed with my instrument in his hands. I couldn't believe it.
I took my former place, my hands strumming the strings to see if the guitar was tuned and unhesitantly began to play an old sad tune. I have no idea why I chose that song, but Kaoru kept his eyes locked on my hands and listened carefully, a pleased smile on his lips. When I was finished, he strummed the electric guitar in his hands and it didn't take him 10 seconds before he played the notes he had just heard for the first time by heart. My jaw dropped a few inches and I gasped in admiration and disbelief. His slender hands moved over the strings as if he had never done anything else in his entire life. When he noticed my moronic expression, he chuckled. Of course, no sound left his lips, but his mouth curled into a wide smile and his adams apple moved up and down. "So you think I'm funny?" I asked a bit offended. Kaoru nodded a few times, still displaying this beautiful smile that softened his features and made his eyes sparkle like onyx.
This was the day that changed everything. We lay on my bed and played the guitar. I taught him all the handholds and everything else I knew and by the end of the day, he had exceeded my skills by far. I lolled on my bed, my head backed up by my hands and listened to his play as if it was the most natural thing to do. He sat in tailor-seat, the acoustic guitar in his delicate hands, my note-book opened on the bed in front of him and played one song after another. When he made a mistake, he shook his head and his countenance resembled the one of a little boy. He pouted and blew one of his long black strands that had fallen into his face away. Biting his bottom lip, he repeated the song from the beginning until it was perfect. When he noticed that I was fighting sleep, barely able to keep my eyes open, he got up and carefully put the guitar aside. With a nod and a smile, he wished me good night and went over to his part of the room where he took his toothbrush, soap and towel and left for the lavatories. He never undressed in our room and I knew he didn't shower when others were around to watch. Somehow I had assumed that it embarrassed him, but I was proven otherwise later...
However, this night changed our relationship and Kaoru and I developed some kind of special way to communicate. It took me some time, but slowly I understood how he was functioning. He answered questions that only left the option for 'yes' or 'no' and this only when it was compatible with his personal ethic. A 'definetely maybe' question would never even elicit a blink of his eyes.
The more I learned about the phenomenon that was Kaoru, the more he seemed to suck me in, engulf me in his mute world. Even outside, I began to become less talkative, kept silent and my comments to myself mostly. He had shown me the fallibility of words and it became clear to me, that words were the primal reason for mistunderstandings, arguments and in a later state, war. However, as much as I appreciated our pleasant silence, I wasn't Kaoru. In no way was I even remotely as perfect as he was in my eyes and so I still felt the urge to show him, that sometimes words were quite useful. But whenever I attempted to try him, I failed miserabely.
Here, I must make a cut and explain something that might not have become quite clear to you. It is something in Kaoru's behavior, something you only notice when you see him in person. It's his eyes. He emits his feelings through his eyes and he is in total control of what he lets you know and what he conceals. His approach to everything bears the innocence and purity of a child that hasn't been manipulated by the outer, the grown-up, world yet. There is no prejudice, no accusation in his actions, in his looks, only curiosity and politeness. One doesn't see it at once when you meet him, but it's just like that. On the other hand, he is cunning and can trick you with this childish innocence, although he never means any harm.
Okay, I go on now, again jumping ahead a bit, because I have noticed, that my time is short and I want to finish my story before it's too late. This next night changed everything again, but you will see...
It was one of this hot summer nights were it didn't seem to get dark completely and all you want is a bucket full of ice to shove your feet in only to cool down a bit.
I was lying on my bed, my eyes tightly closed and my hand provided me with a certain pleasure I used to seek from time to time. Hell, I was only 16, at the peak of my sexuality, and there was no girl in sight, living in a boy only children's home. Even the few times I had sneaked out at night to hit some clubs, I somehow didn't feel like getting laid. As weird as it sounds, I guess I had been so much consumed by Kaoru already that I would have felt like betraying him. Stupid? Incomprehensible? Very much! But since the pressure had to be released somehow, I did it. Polished the beet, jerked-off or whatever you want to call it.
Somewhere in my lust-flushed state, I heard a noise and my eyes shot open. There he was, Kaoru, cowering next to my bed with a bewildered expression on his face. I couldn't interpret his expression right away and simply stared back, stopping the movements under my sheets completely. Then it happened. He reached out his hand and touched my cheek, then my lips, his eyes bearing something between worry and lack of understanding. Did I moan or sigh? I guess so. My heart was still racing and the aching need between my legs made it almost impossible to catch a clear thought. I took a shaky breath and smiled at my confused room-mate, still not believing that he had no slightest idea what I was doing. "It's okay Kaoru," my voice sounded odd and the words were pressed out through clenched teeth, "I'm not sick." To an outsider, this must have sounded weird, but Kaoru indeed was worried about me. I saw it in his eyes. His cold fingers on my heated skin had left burning marks, that didn't lose their power even after he had taken them away again. He tilted his head, his gaze fastened on my eyes. Although the room was covered in the blanket of a dark-grey twilight, I could read their expression clearly.
When he still didn't move, his expression remaining motionless, I did something I have no explanation for, not even now. I removed the cover with my left hand and exposed myself, my right hand still laced around my hard flesh. I guess I blushed furiously, because my cheeks were buring with the powers of a thousand suns. His eyes grew to the size of saucers, looking to and fro from my lower part of the body to my face in astonishment. "Have you never done it?" I asked hoarsely. No reaction on his side. I left it at that for the moment, because I really had other things to attend. Slowly I picked up the movements of my right hand, stroking myself. Somehow I couldn't tear my eyes off him. I wanted to see his expression, wanted to elicit a certain reaction from him. The heat from my cheeks shot down to my groin and the fact that he was watching me, turned me on even more. The innocent childish look on his face, the exited expression I saw there prodded me to let go and let him see every single thing without feeling embarrassed anymore. The pressure built up quickly, low sighs and moans raising from my throat before I tensed and released myself all over my hand and my stomach.
My head fell back on the cushions and through my half closed eyes I saw him, bending over a bit to have a better look on my stained body. Out of curiosity, I believe, he reached out his hand, dipped his index finger in the turbid milky-white stickiness and brought it close to his face. He examined it intensely, rubbing it between his thumb and his index finger, smelled it and at last, tasted it. I took a sharp breath, wanted to prevent him from doing so, but it had been too late. Pondering, his eyes glued to the ceiling, he smacked a few times, then curled his face and wrinkled his nose disgustedly. "Doesn't taste like honey, huh?" I chuckled. He smiled at me and shook his head.
From that day on, he joined me whenever he noticed I was doing it. I got used to it, even enjoyed it, just like himself. By then I had been certain, that he never had experienced any kind of sexual actions thus far. Don't ask me how he survived it for I never asked him. Even if I would have, the answer would've been silence.
One night, I was sqirming on my sheets from pleasure, eyes tightly closed, I felt his hand upon mine. His delicate fingers touching parts of my heated flesh. I looked up at him questioningly and all he did was smile while he moved his hand along with mine in perfect unision. To test if this was really happening, I let go of myself and slowly retreated my hand, pulling it away from his grasp. He kept up his ministrations and I found myself surrender to the divine feelings his touch provided. "Gods," I panted out, not capable to form a rational thought. He might have been innocent, but he was able and an attentive student. For a moment, he stopped, looking at me with an arched eyebrow. "No.. don't stop," I asked, better said pleaded. And he went on until all I saw was a white blaze that blurred my further vision and drowned out everything else, utmost pleasure.
It took some time until I managed to open my eyes again. He still sat by my side, eying me closely with a smile dancing on the corners of his mouth. I sat up and looked at him, I mean really looked at him and then I did what felt like the most natural thing to do, I kissed him. Chastely, only lips on lips, but it was the best kiss I had gotten so far, because it was rewarded with his smile, a ravishingly beautiful smile.
I pulled back a bit, afraid to destroy the moment by demanding too much. My heart was racing, going a thousand miles an hour and it was then that I admitted to myself that I had fallen for this person; hard and without conditions on my side. With his silent passiveness he had won me over instead of the other way round. I sank back into the cushions, smiling blissfully. He smacked a few times, obviously measuring if the kiss had tasted good or not. Suddenly, he leaned down and pressed his lips on mine again. I was taken by surprise of his sudden action and gasped shocked. My eyes shot open when I felt his tongue entering my mouth, bereaving me of my breath. There was a certain demand in the way he moved his lips against mine that simply didn't fit my impression of him as an innocent pure fairy-tale crature, a certain wickedness that stunned me completely.
When I had recovered a bit, I snaked my arms around his neck and pulled him even closer. His looks and movements were elfish, but his scent and his taste were divine and drowned out everything else but the pure sensation that was him. He rocked his hips against mine, his mouth open wide, but still not a single sound escaping it. I moved my hands along his back, got hold of the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head without giving it a second thought. His touches were burning my skin everywhere and I knew this was it, this was where I wanted to be.
Sorry, if I cut it here again. It will only be a short one, promised, but this has to be explained.
At that moment, I thought about introducing him to the pleasure of sexuality to open his doors of perception, metaphorically spoken. Of course I wanted to fuck his brains out, but that was only the physical side. Mentally, I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, wanted him to feel what I felt. You must understand, that this wasn't only about primal appetite, this was about the purity an act only held when shared between equal lovers.
However, all my good intentions became undone, my naive perception of him got another scratch when I felt one of his lithe fingers entering me without advance warning. I yelped startled and looked at him in disbelief. He smirked and kissed me again, slipping another finger inside. My heart was pounding in my throat and the mixed cokctail of emotions that ran through my veins sped it's beat up even more. His hand stroke the inner side of my thigh, urging me to spread my legs without force. And I complied, offering myself to him. He kissed me once again tenderly, soothingly, then he slid down and knelt between my legs. I haven't even noticed when he had gotten rid of his boxers. This felt like a dream, although I seemed to be at the wrong side. Somehow, in my imagination it had been me who would've to comfort him, me who would've covered his own arousal in a mixture of saliva and my semen. I soon found out, that this wasn't a dream, when he pushed himself inside me, slowly. The pain that radiated from my lower part of the body, racing along the nerve tracts of my spine until it reached my brain, was enormous. I bit my lower lip and only the mere fact that it was Kaoru who caused this pain made it bearable and prevented me from screaming out loud. Affectionately, he cupped my cheek in his hand and stroke my quivering lips with his thumb. His mouth was open and his chest heaving, just as mine but from different reasons.
After a moment, I didn't feel like being torn apart anymore and got used to the pain and the odd feeling inside me. "Go on," I whispered, not trusting my voice. He pecked my forehead and reached for my hand, folding our fingers. Slowly he began to move. At first, it still hurt and left a burning feeling, but the more he moved, the more the pain subsided. Then, he hit something that literally caused stars to dance before my eyes and drowned out the slightest trace of pain, almost like it never had been there. I arched my back up and moaned hoarsely. His thrusts became more stable, more rhythmic and I tried to meet them half way, spreading my legs submissively even further to urge him deeper. The sweet sensations he caused made me quiver and quietly beg for more. I had never experienced such pleasure before, never felt this passion for somebody until then. The only noise that filled the otherwise quiet room arose from my throat and the soft clapping noise of skin on skin when he trusted foward. His mouth was open and I saw the lust in his eyes, yet the only audible sign for his existance was the inevetible noise of his respiration.
"Kaoru," I loved the way how easily his name fell from my lips and echoed in my ears. I was so close to the edge again, so close yet too far away. He understood my plea and moved his hand to my anew awakened member, stroking it in time with his thrusts. The feeling was incredible and I hooked my legs around his hips to pull him closer, not wanting to miss a single possible touch of his skin on mine. The heat increased until it became unbearable. All my muscles tensed and I felt like dying at that very moment. The same second I spilled my hot seed beetween our bodies, I felt his deep inside me. Exhausted, I collapsed, not capable of thinking anything, savoring the blissful sensation that lingered in me, coursed throug my blood with every pump of my racing heart. I rose my hand and touched his parted lips, feeling his breath on my fingertips. Neither had he rewarded me with the sound of his orgasm, nor with calling my name, but that didn't mean anything. I knew he loved me. It must have been love, not an act of animal appetite. His kisses felt like love, his tender touches on my cheeks felt like love and finally, his beautiful smile felt like love.
I must say that this had been the most altering experience I have ever gone through so far. After this, the world didn't seem to be the same anymore. I looked at things with different eyes from that day on.
We were in love. Both of us. Exchanging simple gestures, kisses and affectionate touches whenever it was possible. I couldn't believe my luck that I actually was allowed to be with this fairy-tale creature, to see the utmost display of bliss on his face whenever we had sex.
However, our happyness didn't last long. One day, I just returned from class, I found his suitcase on his bed, fully packed and ready to leave. The headmaster stood next to him and watched every of his movements with eagle-eyes.
"What's going on?" My question tore through the silence and resonated strangely in my ears. Kaoru looked at me wearily from reddened eyes. "Niikura will be moved to a mental asylum." Was the short answer I received. The rest was drowned out by my racing thoughts. I only heard single pieces of the man's explanation. That Kaoru was mentally disturbed and needed help. He would be commited until he reached the age of consent, his 21st birthday.
From that moment on, I only remember fragments. I was shouting, pleading, begging the headmaster to reconsider his decision. Hysterically, I took him by his shoulders and shook him "You can't do this. He is perfectly normal. It's the others who are insane." I have no rememberance of what had happened then. Only Kaoru's indulgent smile, imprinted in my memory like carved in stone, remained, when the paramedics showed up and shot me a tranquilizer that sent me to a deep sleep from which I awoke a whole day later.
The only thing I achieved with my rage attack was, that they denied me to see him. I wasn't even told to which asylum they had brought him. However, I managed to find out and pulled out all the stops to send him a letter. One single letter in almost five years...
I turned 17, 18, 19 and 20 years old, lived on my own for a long time already. Still I wasn't allowed to see him. They told me, he didn't want to meet me, but I am sure they didn't even ask. They thought I had a bad influence on him, there is no other explanation for this.
However, now I'm standing here in front of this huge gate and wait for him to come out. Nervous, uncertain of how it will be. There has never been another person in my life, for I still love him and him only. Hell, I didn't even speak much, only the necessary. If my patience was in vain, I will find out in a few moments. The gate opens and he steps out. His beauty, flawless, his movements still the fairy-tale creature he had been back then. When his eyes catch my appearance, he smiles and this alone is sufficient to make my heart flutter with joy and my knees become weak. He recognizes me, although I dyed my hair red and had grown a bit. I take a few insecure steps towards him until he es in reach, then my courage failes me and all I can do is to stare at him in anticipation. He let go of his suitcase, closes the distance between us and embraces me. A relieved sigh leaves my lips and tears rise in my eyes until no barriers can hold them back anymore and they run freely over my cheeks. He pulls back a bit and looks in my face. A single tear has made its way from his eye and leaves a silver trace behind.
"Daisuke." He smiles and the sound of his voice, as divine as the rest of him echoes in my ear like a soft spring breeze. I try to memorize it, capture it forever in my heart. "Please, say it again," I ask and touch his lips with my trembling hand. He kisses my fingertips, takes my hand in his and whisperes "Daisuke." Then he closes the last distance between us and kisses me.
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You leave me speechless and sad, in a good way, however strange that must sound.
I love this from the bottom of my heart.
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You know, this story is really dear to me and it feels good to hear that somebody else likes it too^^