rabenhorst | (no subject)

Title: Once In a Lifetime; Chapter 6
Author:

fonulyn
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Summary: Kaoru and Die meet in a bar, and they end up sharing a passionate night together. It was a mutual agreement that it should be a one night stand, but fate doesn’t always work like that.
Comments:

seinen_no: Whoops, that was quick. At least if you ask me. Another story coming to an end and I wanna thank you all again for reading and commenting so nicely. Heh, and I will shut up and won't tell you anything about the happenings. Just please don't be so hard on poor Kao. He was pushed against the wall and thus simply had to act like that to defend himself…. Okay, have fun reading and we see you soon *and gone*

fonulyn: Aw, I don’t dare to say anything not to give away too much about this XD But a big THANK YOU for all the readers, you’ve been great as usually. We’re glad you’ve stuck with us^^ And we hope you enjoy the last part too.

And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!

Previously happened: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Once In a Lifetime
Chapter 6

The next day was free for the band and although Toshiya had called Die several times to ask if he felt like going to the movies together, he always only reached the guitarist's mailbox. Die had hidden under the blanket, closed the curtains and simply tried to sort things out for him. He wasn't sure how much the argument between him and Kaoru would affect their work, but although he was determined not to cause troubles for the band, he wasn't sure if he could just pretend like nothing happened either.

Why couldn't Kaoru understand that what he wanted from him wasn't much different from what they already had? Why was it such a big problem to exchange a few loving gestures? Why didn't he just love him back? But no matter how much he tried, he couldn't find the answers to those questions which were burning on his mind, not leaving him a single moment of rest. Still, he was determined to try and act as normal as possible around his bandmates and friends. He wasn't sure how it would work out, but he didn't want to show Kaoru how much he had hurt him, how he had nearly broken him with this.

Die staid in his apartment locked out from the world for the next two days, but then it came to an end, because he had to take care of an interview that had been assigned to him. Or to him and Kaoru, to be exact. He was nervous as he didn't know how it would turn out, but the professional in him stepped in and he just headed to the studio where a car would take them to the interview. Somehow he didn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved - eventually he settled for relieved - when he saw that Toshiya was waiting for him instead of the lead-guitarist. Apparently, the bassist had switched with Kaoru and accompanied Die to the interview.

The bassist noticed the tired expression on his friend's face, saw the blankness in his eyes when Die took off his shades for a second to clean them. He didn't dare to ask how Kaoru had reacted nor how thing were between them. When the lead-guitarist had begged him to take care of the interview, because something more important had gotten in between, he had counted one and one together and knew that those two didn't want to face each other. Still, Toshiya did his best to ignore the awkwardness and was partly relieved when Die finally began to talk again, if only about the interview and the questions that would be asked.

It went on throughout the whole day, as the redhead somehow seemed to be utterly tired despite his attempts to cover it and do his work. The interviewer probably didn't notice much, not how Die's answers were as short as possible to still remain polite, how his smiles were faked and the laughter empty. It was still enough to fool almost anyone. But not Toshiya, he knew the redhead long enough, had been so close friends with him, that he saw every slight change in the other man.

After they had said their goodbyes and had thanked the interviewer, they both got up and left. Just when the elevator doors had closed, Toshiya addressed his friend who was leaning against the wall, eyes closed and a tired expression on his face. "How about taking a coffee somewhere? And maybe a small snack. You look like you hadn't had anything the whole day."

"That's because I didn't." Die smiled wearily, but raised his gaze to look at the other man. "I got up too late in the morning and didn't have time for coffee." There, a completely believable explanation for his tiredness, he praised himself inwardly.

"But that still wasn't an answer to my question," the younger man insisted smiling. He was biting his bottom lip, obviously fighting with himself if he should ask the question that was burning on his mind or not. But seeing Die's waxen skin and the small eyes caused him to decide against it. If he wanted to talk, then he would do it freewillingly sooner or later. "It's okay though. Maybe you should go home and sleep a bit. Practice will begin soon again and we'll have some shows to play... You need to be fit."

"I -" Die hesitated a bit. On one hand, this offered him a chance to get away without the bassist asking any questions, but on the other hand he really didn't want to go back home, especially alone. So in the end, he smiled at his friend. "Coffee would be nice. Wanna go to a café or shall I invite you over and make us some?"

"You can also come to my place. It's tidy and I still might have some cake in the fridge," the bassist offered smiling. "Besides, I don't know if I want to taste your coffee when you're this tired," he joked winking. When the door opened, they exited and left the building, getting into the waiting car. In reality, Toshiya was thinking that Die probably didn't want to get to his place, not if he had broken up with Kaoru and everything there would remind him of the older guitarist.

They agreed on getting to the bassist's apartment, because he lived a bit closer anyways. And he made pretty decent coffee, at least those were the words with which Die accepted the offer. More grateful than for the coffee, he was for the company though, something in his friend's presence calming him.

Once they were there, Toshiya urged him to sit down on the couch and rushed into the kitchen. For as long as it took for the coffee to be ready, he came back though, sitting down on the small armchair opposite to his friend. "I have some cookies here. Or do you want something more decent?" he asked, feeling a bit uncomfortable, because he had no idea how to act towards his friend.

"Nah, cookies are fine. All I really need is the coffee." Die smiled at the other man honestly. For a short moment there was this uncomfortable silence between them as neither knew what to say. Finally, the redhead decided he was supposed to be the one to break the silence though and he spoke up softly. "I'm sorry. I just... don't feel that talkative right now."

"That's no problem for me," the bassist smiled tentatively and then chuckled a bit. "I talk enough for the both of us." For a moment, he was looking straight at his friend and came to the conclusion that his weary expression didn't have anything to do with tiredness. Finally, he took a deep breath and asked carefully. "Didn't go that well with Kaoru, did it?"

"Depends." The redhead shrugged, purposefully averting his gaze to hide the hurt that was clearly visible there. Hell, it even made his heart cramp still to think about it. "Depends on whom you ask. He might think it went well, as he got off the hook." He let out a small dry chuckle, not knowing how to talk about this really.

Toshiya bit his bottom lip, feeling guilty because he had been the one who had encouraged him to get things straight. "I am sorry." There was nothing else he could have said and although the words were only whispered, he really meant them with all his heart. Still, he couldn't believe that Kaoru was glad to be rid of Die and only now remembered how monotonic the older guitarist's voice had sounded on the phone.

"Don't be." Die turned to look at the bassist, his smile honest. He certainly didn't want to make his friend feel bad, and none of this had been his fault anyways. "At least I now know that he really just was in it for the fun."

"Die..." The bassist couldn't remain in his place anymore and got up to sit down next to the other one, hugging him tight. "I still am sorry. But maybe he just was too shocked or so and couldn't admit that there's more." Those were empty phrases, meant to console his friend and he knew that nobody wanted to hear those, but he couldn't help it, didn't want to believe that he had been wrong with his assumption that Kaoru felt something for Die too. Who would leave all his belongings in the other's apartment, would exchange keys and things like that if there wasn't more than just sexual attraction? Besides, they were friends too, Die and Kaoru.

Somehow the hug broke the barriers and Die buried his face into his friend's shoulder, hugging him back tightly for a long moment. His voice was choked as he spoke, and he still held his face against Toshiya's shirt. "I will get over it, I promise. I just need a bit time." He took a deep breath before going on. "I just - I really hoped that he wouldn't walk out on me..."

"He is stupid to let somebody like you go." Toshiya really meant it. Die was one of those persons everybody got along with, he was faithful, funny, gorgeous and just so much Die that he couldn't believe somebody didn't want to be with him. And he thought all that although he was only his friend. What would somebody think of the redhead who was interested in him sexually too? "You'll find somebody who's worth it," he said determined and planted a small peck on the other man's cheek before he withdrew a bit. "And now we'll have a coffee and then I will convince you what a lousy piece of scum he is."

The words made Die chuckle, a tiny sparkle back in his eyes instead of complete blankness. "Give it your best shot. And I promise that I will soon forget all about him." He wasn't so sure about the words himself, but said it to lift the mood and to signal his friend that he would be alright eventually. When Toshiya got up Die grabbed his sleeve though, holding him back. "Thank you." He looked his friend deep in the eye, his gaze open and honest.

"No Die," Toshiya shook his head, the usual smile on his face that gave him a slightly moronic expression, "that's a matter of course." Before he went to the kitchen, he bent down and gave his friend a short kiss straight on the lips without even giving it a second thought. "And you should forget about him," he piped merrily. "Other mothers have gorgeous sons as well..."

"Oh, I do know that." Die chuckled, following his friend with his eyes as he was practically bouncing towards the kitchen. "I'll keep my eyes open." He pulled his legs close to his chest, and somehow felt a lot better than a while ago. It was truly a blessing to have a friend like the bassist.

In the kitchen, Toshiya needed to take a deep breath. He knew all too well that Die was pulling off a show not to worry him too much and he also knew that it would take time to get over Kaoru. He had seen how much the redhead had been in love with the other man, still was probably, and that was something one couldn't just switch off. Why on earth was Kaoru so stubborn when it came to making commitments? As a bandleader and guitarist he did that every day without having problems. Somehow Toshiya refused to acknowledge the possibility that maybe, only maybe, Kaoru simply didn't love Die and honestly only had enjoyed the fun they had had.

They drank some coffee and then simply relaxed, talking about everything and nothing and tried to get into happier topics. Eventually it worked even, and for a few moments, Die was able to get his mind off his own troubles and the things that were bothering him. In the evening when he dragged himself back to his own apartment, he felt down again though. Toshiya had offered him to stay for the night but he had declined, thinking it would be of no use to avoid his own home.

Still it was like the walls were closing in on him there. He had yet another sleepless night, and was glad that they had a couple of free days still before work would pile up again. The following evening, Die headed to a local bar he had sometimes gone to, as he simply didn't want to be alone in his apartment anymore and since he didn't want to worry Toshiya, he couldn't even call him. So he found himself sitting beside the counter, staring into the third drink of the evening, only his darkening thoughts as his companion.

It was a nice, cosy place and well frequented. Every now and then somebody sat down on the stool beside the redhead, but didn't dare to talk to him as Die gave the clear impression that he wanted to be alone. Still, after some time, a slender person sat down beside him and even turned his head to measure the tall guitarist's appearance. "Troubles at home?" he asked lowly, ordered himself a drink and lit a cigarette, offering Die one from his box.

The voice made Die startle, because he definitely recognized it instantly. He was already about to get up and leave, but then something held him back. Slowly, he took the offered cigarette, giving the man beside him a sideway glance. "One could say so..." He answered carefully.

It had cost Kaoru quite an effort to let go of his false pride and come there to see Die. He had been hoping the other man would be in that bar after he had been neither at home nor at Toshiya's place. Maybe it was even good that they were in a public place where both of them had to behave at least somewhat. "Tell me about it," he answered with a small smile. "I've been having the shittiest week in my life."

It was true. After the first waves of anger had subsided and he had carelessly rid his apartment of the redhead's belongings by throwing them into a huge box, he had realized how empty it was. Not only his apartment, but his life. It simply wasn't the same without the other man lolling on his couch, his feet on the table and babbling about some TV show he was watching. It had made him think.

Maybe he had been wrong and he wanted all those things Die had enumerated as well, but had been too much of a coward to admit it. Maybe he wanted to hear those three words again from the other man, wanted to find a note which said how much he missed him when the other one had to leave in the morning, wanted to kiss him whenever he felt like it and to just be near to him without even thinking about sex for once.

When the realization had struck him, it still had taken a few days until he had made up his mind and had admitted to himself that he had fallen for his friend, his bandmate, his fuck-buddy. But now he feared that it was too late already and he had no idea how to say it, how to convince Die that he really meant it with all his heart and didn't just say it to get him back into bed.

For a long moment Die had fallen silent after Kaoru's words and just tried to sort out his thoughts. He had been thinking about this so much, for so long, that when he began to speak, the words were flowing smoothly from his mouth, his voice soft and somewhat defeated. "I just got myself into deep shit. I had an affair with one of my best friends, and I made two crucial mistakes. First, I allowed myself to fall in love with him, although I knew I shouldn't. Second, I made the mistake of thinking he might feel the same way about me."

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. He didn't even open them when he went on, his voice even more silent than just a moment ago. "But it appears I was wrong. And now I don't know if he even wants to be my friend anymore, I have no idea how things will turn out..."

"That sounds like deep shit you're in," Kaoru answered and took a long drag from his cigarette to calm down at least somewhat. Did that mean that Die didn't want the relationship anymore? Did he want to be his friend? Or did that mean that everything was too fucked up already to solve this at all? Finally, he turned his head a bit to look at the man next to him, a faint, bitter smile appearing on his lips.

"Sounds a bit like my situation. I had this wonderful time with somebody. No commitments, just the perfect deal of regular screwing whenever either of us felt like it. And believe me," he raised his voice a bit, the smile growing wider at the remembrance, "we both were always in the mood. But then, things changed. He broke the deal and told me he wanted more, wanted my love and not only the fleeting moments of corporal satisfaction. I felt betrayed and left. It was the only thing I could have done at that moment; the only thing that felt right for me."

After giving the bartender a small sign that he wanted another drink and ordered the same for Die, he went on. "But then I found out that I miss him. Not only the warm body beside me in bed, but him. It felt as if he has always been there, you know, has become a piece of furniture that you use every day but don't even recognize anymore. Only now that he's gone I realize that I can't live without him anymore. But it's too late, I think. He has all the rights to hate me and I am sure he wouldn't believe me anymore if I now told him that I love him too."

Throughout the other man's monologue Die had remained silent and stared at his drink motionlessly, not even remembering to take a sip of it. His whole consciousness was directed at the words and he tried to comprehend them, tried to build some sort of picture of all this. Could it be true, that Kaoru held some feelings for him too? That he was willing to at least give it a try, to see if it'd work out?
Somehow he could feel his heart beat frantically in his chest, pounding against his ribs.

After a long moment of silence he spoke up, his voice faint and tentative. "Maybe you should try still?" He gave the older man a glance from the corner of his eyes. "Even broken trust can be re-built sometimes." After all what had happened, he knew it wouldn't be the same instantly, knew that it would take time and sacrifices from both of them to make it work like it should. But he was willing to try, willing to work for it. If Kaoru said he wanted him, not only to warm his bed but to share his life with him, he would take the chance and give it his best shot.
"I am still thinking about what to say to him," Kaoru gave away with an insecure smile. He had turned his body so that he was now facing Die completely, looking straight at him to see if there was some kind of affection left. After all, the other man hadn't told him to bugger off in the first place which meant that maybe at least their friendship had a chance to be restored once. "I know about the trust, but see, I've never been good with trusting anybody in the first place and I have no idea how to lead a relationship. All I really know is that I don't want to be without him anymore. I want to hear his voice when he wishes me a good night and I even want him to curl up around my back when I fall asleep." That was the naked truth. Although this had always more or less annoyed him, or at least he had said so, he was now craving for the closeness, for the limited space in his bed.

Somehow the last words made Die smile, as he remembered how the other man had complained when he had sneaked so close to him. Still, he had never pushed him away and had always even leaned into the embrace eventually. "You don't need to know beforehand how to lead a relationship. You can just work on it together and learn to deal with things..."

"Die," Kaoru looked up, a dead serious expression on his face, "would you believe me when I say that I miss you? That I even love you and that I will do everything that's in my powers to make things work if you take me back?"

For a long moment Die just looked straight back at the older man. He simply didn't want to speak before thinking, had to make sure that he really meant what he was about to say. But the more he thought of it the more convinced he was that this was the right decision. "Yeah." He nodded, allowing a small smile appear on his lips. "You never lied to me, I have no reason not to believe."

The smaller man swallowed hard, because there was a lump forming in his throat. There was also a smile caressing his lips though and he nodded slowly. "So you believe me, but would you take me back as well?" His heart was racing as much as his thoughts. He had never really gotten himself involved in something over which he didn't have control. Would Die now always start a huge scene whenever he wanted to be intimate with him? Would he abuse the power Kaoru had just given him over himself? No, probably not. Because Die was a good person and he loved him, he had said it himself.

If Die had known what Kaoru was thinking he would've assured that it wasn't the case, he was honestly content when he just got to be with the older man, be a part of his life. But his heart was beating frantically in his chest, a lump in his throat as he wasn't sure if this was too good to be true even. Silently, tentatively he leaned closer, bringing their lips together in a soft, chaste kiss. In a way it was even a test, since he figured that if Kaoru wanted him, he would kiss back, would show his sincerity. He didn't dare to deepen the kiss though.

At first, Kaoru flinched a bit because he hadn't expected this, hadn't thought Die would just straight out kiss him in public. The first shock was gone within a second though and he lifted his hand, softly cupping the other man's cheek and gently urged him to tilt his head so that he could deepen the contact. No matter how often he had kissed the redhead already, this felt like the first one and made his heart skip a few beats. Maybe this was a new beginning, a new chapter in their lives. Similar feelings were running through the younger guitarist as well, as it truly somehow felt like beginning a new chapter, starting all over again. And maybe, just maybe, this time if they would play their cards right, they would make it together.

"I have all your things in my car," the older guitarist gave away with a small smile after they had parted. Subconsciously, he licked his lips, relishing the other man's taste that was still lingering there. "Do you want them back or shall I take them to my apartment again and scatter them there?"

"Take them back to your apartment." Die smiled, leaning back a bit although his eyes never left Kaoru's form. He took a sip of his drink that had been standing there forgotten, before turning his whole attention to his companion again. "And then you can take me home. Your home."