rabenhorst | (no subject)

Title: Once In a Lifetime; Chapter 5
Author:

fonulyn
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Summary: Kaoru and Die meet in a bar, and they end up sharing a passionate night together. It was a mutual agreement that it should be a one night stand, but fate doesn’t always work like that.
Comments:

seinen_no: Dundundundund … Drama x) Hey dears, there's the next chapter already.

fonulyn's itching to publish the next fic already, so we have to hurry with this one. Hope you enjoy it still.

fonulyn: hm, what to say? This chapter doubles the drama for the whole fic XD We’re getting close to the end too, only one more chapter to follow after this one. And I hope you like this still^^ Read to find out and let us know what you think!

And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!

Previously happened: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Once In a Lifetime
Chapter 5

Somehow they managed the walk the tightrope between friendship and having sex together. It didn't affect their relationship, at least it didn't seem like that and they were still going out with the others or alone, watched movies on the couch and talked about everything. Although they didn't particularly try to hide their sort of special agreement, Kaoru was pretty sure that none of the others had an idea about what was going on.

For a long while they were both completely happy with the arrangement, just taking the best sides from both, the sexual relationship and the friendship they shared. Still, as time passed, Die was getting somewhat restless. It wasn't as if he had anything to complain about, and he told himself over and over again that he had everything he wanted to have. Still, he couldn't help but to feel strangely melancholic sometimes when he was simply out to have a beer with one of his friends.

"Hey Die!" Toshiya waved his hand in front of the redhead to startle him out of his daydreams. "Did you hear a single word I was saying?" He smiled the usual smile of his, but couldn't help to be a bit worried about his friend. Die had been strangely quiet at times, only for moments though, but then he always looked thoughtful.

They were sitting together in a quiet corner of their favourite pub which was right halfway between their apartments. Kyo and Shinya had declined the invitation that day, seemingly having something better to do and Kaoru, who had meanwhile dyed his hair pink, had babbled something about work and after that, nobody had listened further. So it was just the two of them and it had been quite some time ago since they had been together like that.

Die startled as he was addressed, automatically giving the other a half-hearted smile, trying to look as casual as possible. "I'm sorry. Could you repeat it? I was kinda lost for a while." He smiled apologetically.

Instead of doing as asked, the bassist frowned and shook his head. "You're daydreaming quite often lately or just stare holes into the air. Something's wrong with you?"

"No, nothing. I'm fine." The redhead nodded a few times to confirm the words, hoping that the other would drop the topic. But he knew he could see right through him, and wouldn't buy it that easily. Still, there was a possibility that the other wouldn’t ask anything just to be nice.

Toshiya hitched one of his delicate eyebrows, silently staring at him for a few moments before he nodded slowly. "Okay." It was obvious that he didn't believe his friend, but he also knew how annoying it was when people bugged you about something you simply didn't want to talk about. "I was just asking if you saw those outfits they got us for the photoshoot and the tour? I swear, if I go out in that dress, guys will be attracted to me like a moth to the flame. And did you see that leather mask for you? It's ridiculous they want you to play the guitar in that outfit."

"Yeah, I saw them." Die nodded absent mindedly still, although he tried to concentrate on the conversation, really did. "But the mask is kinda cool, so I don't really mind." He had been so lost in thoughts just a moment ago, that the whole situation felt somewhat unreal, as if he wasn't really sitting there with his friend.

"It is." Toshiya nodded smiling and then suddenly said. "Oh look, Kaoru's over there."

"What? Where?" Instantly he had the redhead's attention, as his eyes snapped open and he quickly looked around in the crowded place.

"And now," the bassist based his chin in his palms while his elbows were resting on the table, "you tell me what's going on." It had only been a hunch, but now he was almost certain that the redhead's melancholy was somehow attached to the bandleader.

"So you guessed, huh?" Die gave the younger man a wry grin, averting his gaze down to his hands as he was toying with his drink. "Alright. It's about Kao."

"Well, at least now it came clear to me." Toshiya smiled softly. "But I thought you were friends and I never really saw you argue. So what's wrong?"

"We hardly ever argue, really. But that's kinda the point, you know. Being friends." The guitarist tried to explain, his heart beating nervously as he was about to give away one of his best kept secrets. "I just dunno if I want to be his friend anymore."

"What?" Now that confused the bassist completely as he hadn't thought there were so many problems between the two guitarists. Only after taking a long sip of his beer and calming down, he understood slowly and nodded. "I see. You want to be his - ?"

"I kinda want more." Die nodded, purposefully avoiding saying it straight out, knowing the other would understand him anyways.

"But I thought you already lead some kind of relationship. A strange one, but still a relationship." Toshiya shrugged casually as if this had been obvious.

"What?" Now it was the redhead's turn to be confused, as he had thought the others had known nothing about what was going on between him and the lead-guitarist. That had been a pretty foolish thought probably. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that there are two toothbrushes in your bathroom, two shavers. I'm talking about the whole bunch of Kao's favourite mangas under your table in the living-room, about this nasty fish-soup in the kitchen which you'd never eat but is one of his fav foods. I'm talking about the pile of his clothes in the bedroom and about his sneakers in the hall," the bassist enumerated coolly. "You know, there's a difference between borrowing your best friend some stuff and transferring half of your household."

"So what exactly you think is going on then?" Die looked at the other man curiously, wanting to know what he had figured about all this. He was somewhat feeling like he wasn't talking about himself even, as he hadn't even noticed anything weird in those things the bassist so coolly now told him. "Just gimme a wild guess, alright? I'd appreciate it."

"That you're a couple." Again, Toshiya shrugged and took a sip of his beer. "What else could it mean? Maybe you're just not the kind who makes out in front of their friends because you're guys or you're too afraid that the press will notice. What the hell do I know?"

"Wrong." The guitarist shook his head, laughing cheerlessly. "We're not a couple. Not in the way you mean it."

"Then enlighten me, please. Why does Kaoru pile his stuff in your apartment and the other way around?" The bassist tilted his head and gazed at his counterpart questioningly.

"Because..." Die's courage failed him momentarily, and he needed to take a long sip from his beer before he went on. "Because we screw each other blind regularly."

Toshiya nodded understanding, but remained silent and just allowed his brains to process the magnitude of this information. But then, he smiled again and shook his head. "Can't be. Maybe you don't even know that, but a clever friend of mine told me, once you start to leave things behind, it means you want to become a part of the other's life. You want him to remember you even if you're not there."

"But he doesn't." The redhead shrugged, again averting his gaze down to his hands, looking somewhat lost even. "I mean, he made it pretty clear that he's in it just for the fun."

"How can you be so sure? Maybe he doesn't even know it himself. When did YOU realize you want more than just a regular shag, huh?" Toshiya's eyes were sparkling and his voice held a challenging undertone.

"Like, ten minutes ago?" Die grinned at the other man, finally looking straight at him. "It's been bugging me, I guess, but I didn't really think of it."

"See." The bassist chuckled. "Maybe Kaoru didn't even get that far yet." He fumbled for his cigarettes and lit himself one, blowing the smoke upwards into the air. "What are you going to do now?" Toshiya asked curious. The thought that this could have an effect on the band never even crossed his mind and he was just concerned about his friend; about both of them.

"I don't know, really," the redhead confessed honestly. "I'd kinda want to go there and tell him I want ...you know, him, not only the physical side. But what am I going to tell him? 'You ain't getting any if you won't promise some sort of commitment'?"

The wording made the other man smile and even chuckle a bit. "Maybe that's exactly what you should do. If you can't go on living like that and if it's making you unhappy, it's the way to go. He's strong minded and maybe that's just what he needs." He hesitated for a moment, before asking what had been burning on his soul for some minutes now. "Say, how did you get into this situation anyway? I mean, it's not quite usual to just screw your bandleader randomly if you ask me."

The memory made Die smile instantly. "Well, you know, once I met this gorgeous guy in a bar, took him home and had the most consuming and satisfying night ever. I thought I'd never see him again, but a few weeks later he appeared at the audition as we were looking for a new guitarist for our band."

"Oh." For the first time since they had known each other, the bouncy bassist was indeed speechless. It didn't last long though and he smirked. "So when you saw again, you couldn't get your hands off each other?"

"Well, not exactly." The redhead chuckled. "We didn't even mention it for long. It was after you came into the band when he made the first move. He actually thought you and I were having something going on."

"And that was the reason why he approached you again?" Toshiya nodded thoughtfully. "See, he has a thing for you. It has to be. Maybe he's afraid of commitments or so." He tilted his head and smiled. "Are you serious about him then?"

"More serious than I've been of anything thus far." The answer was completely honest and the redhead didn't even need to think about it.

"Then give it a shot. Stand up and tell him he won't ever get a piece of that sweet little ass of yours if he doesn't want the whole package. With everything, the bitching, the headaches and all," the blue-haired man snickered. "Play him like a girl would..."

"You're one sneaky bastard you know that?" Die had to laugh, but he truly appreciated his friend's words. "And I'll talk to him. I promise."

"Of course I know that. I've been through this myself. Only that it has always been me who had to deal with the bitchin'." Toshiya winked and then became a bit more serious. "Just do as your intuition tells you and if he doesn't want to, then at least you tried. It's his loss anyways."

"And mine," the guitarist reminded, unable to hold back a small sigh. It would be hard, since there was a chance that everything was over after this. But he was determined to do it, since he didn't want things to go on like this forever.

"Ever asked yourself why there's so few people with fuckbuddies?" Toshiya asked as if it was the most natural thing on earth. "It's because it doesn't work out. Sooner or later one falls for the other and gets emotionally involved. So even if he drops you, it's not your loss since then you know what your status is in his life and you can move on without always asking yourself 'what if...'."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks Tosh." Die smiled at his friend, leaning close to give him a hug. The talk had really sorted out the mist from his mind, and now he knew what he needed to do. And he knew that Kaoru would appear in his apartment that very day most definitely, and this was his chance to get things straight with him.

Toshiya answered the hug, squeezing his friend tightly for a short moment. "Don't worry. I still say that he's only afraid. Just remain firm and cool. That will totally confuse him." Although he appeared like a bouncy and sometimes pretty childish person, the young bassist was very sensitive and had a good knowledge of the human nature. Inwardly, he was pretty sure that he had read the signs right and Kaoru didn't just want Die's body and if his back was against the wall, would even admit it.

They spent a good while still only by talking about everything and nothing, and Die looked already considerably more relaxed. After they had said their goodbyes and went for different directions, Die was lost deep in thoughts. He was still determined to talk to Kaoru that night, knowing that if he didn't do it right away, he would just push it further and further until he'd end up repeating the old patterns over and over again.

He had been right in assuming that the lead-guitarist would pay him a visit though, because late at night, the key turned in the lock and he heard the other's quiet steps. They had exchanged keys some time ago already for various reasons, all of course only practical and having nothing to do with sentimentality. Kaoru stopped in the hall to get rid of his jacket and shoes and then sneaked into the living-room, hoping Die would still be awake and in the mood for some fun. But thinking of it, both of them always seemed to be in the mood, so he didn't really worry about that.

Die was indeed awake still, sitting in the living room and staring at the black TV screen. He had been just waiting for Kaoru for some time, lost deep in his thoughts as he still tried to figure out what to say, which words to choose and what he exactly WANTED to say.

A smile ghosted across the smaller man's lips when he spotted the redhead and he spoke up quietly. "Have you been waiting for me?" It wasn't like Die to sit in a black room without watching TV or listening to music, but he didn't bother much about that fact.

"Well, kinda." Die turned his head and looked at the other man. But he was serious, the usual smile gone for the moment as he simply studied the older man for a while with his gaze. "We need to talk." He was speaking softly, but firmly, managing to hide the traces of his nervousness for the time being.

The words were causing Kaoru's stomach to twitch unpleasantly and still he tried to ignore it, keeping the smile on his lips. "Talk?" he asked and the smile widened into a smirk as he was now standing in front of the other guitarist and crouched down to be at the same eye-level. "I had something different in mind than talking."

"I know." Die smiled, chewing on his bottom lip softly, a nervous gesture he never really got rid of. "But we really need to talk. I can't go on like this anymore. I don't want to."

Sighing defeated, the older guitarist heaved himself on the couch next to the redhead. "What do you mean, you don't want to go on like this? That's it? Sayonara?" Inwardly he had tried to prepare himself for that moment which certainly had to come, but now that it was there, it still caused his heart to cramp and a lump in his throat.

"Just listen to me and then make your decision, it's all up to you." Die turned a bit sideways, looking straight at the other man, like challenging him with his eyes. "But things won't stay as they are, that's for sure. It might be enough for you to just get a few good fucks every now and then, but I want more than that."

Kaoru didn't like the way the other man was staring at him almost angrily and decided to play dumb, fighting for things to remain as they were his way. "Are you trying to tell me you want to meet other people? If it's about trying new stuff, I'm open for almost everything."

"No, you dumbass. I don't want any other people." The younger man shook his head, something really frustrated in the gesture. "I want YOU. And I'm not talking about your drop dead gorgeous body here, I want the whole deal."

There it was out, the words hanging in the air like a thunderstorm. Of all, Kaoru hadn't seen this coming. At least he hadn't expected Die to be so blunt. What should he say? That he had never been good with relationships? That he had been disappointed way too often to dare it? That he was afraid that, if it didn't work out, he'd be left with nothing in the end? No, he simply didn't have the guts to admit those things. "What's wrong with what we have? You're my best friend, Die. So you kinda have me already. This is just measuring words."

"It's not measuring words for fuck's sake!" The redhead couldn't stop the words before he spoke them, his tone harsher than intended. He flinched at it even himself a bit, but he had to get it all out. "I don't really want a best friend whom I can fuck whenever I'm needy, if that's what you're trying to offer here. For once, it's not about sex. It's about being with someone, about sharing something more than just a few moments of satisfying needs."

"What do you want then? A quietly whispered 'I love you' after you turn around and fall asleep, because you're drained and utterly fulfilled? A note that says how much you're missed when you wake up and the place beside you is empty?" Kaoru's voice got a bit louder as well. "Those are lies. Only meant to keep the other quiet and to still get what you want. And believe me, everything is about sex. It's human's primal urge and c'mon," he made an annoyed gesture with his hand, "you can't tell me that you don't feel good and sheltered whenever we're together." At one point, he really believed what he said, although deep inside he knew it was a lie.

There were even tears burning in the redhead's eyes, whether those were because of disappointment or frustration, he didn't know. But it was too late to back off again, he had to see this straight to the bitter end. "Of course I feel good and sheltered whenever we're together. Why else would I want to be with you? But you're wrong, not everything's about sex." He glared at the other man, raised his chin and tried to look much more confident than he actually was. "At least to me. Maybe it's selfish of me but I want commitment, I want to know that it's ME you want to be with. And that it's not only my body you want. Hell, maybe I even want those small things you deem as lies."

"Ever since we have this arrangement, I haven't been with somebody else. Fuck!" Kaoru was frustrated and didn't know how to react to this sudden outburst. It didn't seem to be just a phase which would pass by if he only ignored it and gave Die time to calm down. "That's my commitment. I don't want to lose you as a friend, but I don't want to lose what else we have either. Hell, I'm almost living here already. Isn't that commitment enough?"

"You think I want to lose you then? Hell no! Can't you really see the difference between what we have and what I'm talking about?" Die tried to calm down, tried to look at the other guitarist pleadingly, almost praying he'd understand. "It's like, we have these two lives we're leading at the same time. One is where we're friends, where we have fun together and have a drink or something. The other life is what we share in bed. And those two never come together. I'm tired of keeping it this way. I want to be allowed to touch you during this day-life too, to be able to kiss you if I feel like it without it necessarily leading to one of us instantly jumping the other."

Kaoru looked at him almost bewildered as if he had suggested walking down the mainroad naked. A part of his mind understood very well what Die meant and if he hadn't been so agitated and confused, he would've known that it wasn't much different from what he wanted. "Where the hell does this come from all of a sudden? Did you watch some cheesy talkshow or do you have a temporary depression? I mean, yesterday everything was still fine. It was okay to sit together with the others and have fun like friends do and it was also okay to rip my clothes off once we were alone. It's not like I forced you or like it's only me who's enjoying the carefree sex."

"I've been thinking about it for a while now," Die admitted, averting his gaze momentarily. "And of course you didn't force me to anything, and I'm not saying I don't enjoy the sex. But it doesn't change the fact that I want more than that. Can't you just get it into your thick head? I want to be a real part of your life, not just something you fuck when you need to let off some steam or need a few moments of pleasure. I fucking love you." He felt a lump in his throat, and somehow it was hard to talk through it.

The last sentence had the effect of a cold shower and Kaoru stared at the other man open-mouthed. He had always tried to prevent hearing or saying those three words which seemed to only complicate things, but now they were standing between them. Slowly, he shook his head and took on a petrified expression. "No Die, you don't love me. If you did, you wouldn't force this on me. We had a fucking deal! You can't just decide new terms alone." With having said that, he almost jumped off the couch and stumbled towards the hall. This was too confusing, too many thoughts and emotions running through his mind.

"Fine!" Die stood up as well, staring at the other's back although he didn't see a thing through the tears that were stubbornly filling his eyes no matter how hard he tried to force them away. "Then the fucking deal is off." He felt like randomly destroying things, kicking the walls and smashing plates, simultaneously just wanting to curl up somewhere and cry, although he had always thought only girls cried out of emotional uproar.

"Great!" Kaoru snarled without turning around while he stepped into his boots. "I knew it'd be you to destroy everything once. Thank you for nothing!" He slammed the door shut behind him and stomped down the stairs, not caring that he probably woke up the whole house. Only when he was outside, he leaned against the wall next to the door, inhaling the clear air deeply. What on earth had gone wrong between them?

With shaking hands, he fumbled for his cigarettes and was just about to light one when he noticed that there was something wet on it. A drop. He was crying. The realization only caused more tears to follow and blurred his vision. "That lousy fucker!"

Inside the apartment the younger guitarist just stood still, completely petrified for a long moment, listening to the sound of the other man descending the stairs loudly, a part of him hoping he would just come back. It was obvious that it wasn't going to happen though, and in a sudden rush of anger Die kicked the pile of magazines Kaoru had left under his table, causing them to fly into an unorganized heap on the floor. He didn't care though, instead channelled the rest of the anger inside of him by smashing his fist against the wall, again and again until there was blood seeping on his knuckles. He didn't even notice the pain, not before he simply slid down to the floor, unsuccessfully trying to bite back the forceful sobs that shook his being.