rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:53 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:53 pm
(no subject)
Title: Triangle; Chapter 3
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seinen_no and fonulyn
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments:
seinen_no: Comment: Well, here's the 3rd chapter of the story. The next one will be shorter and the last. Gosh, I can't even say how sad re-reading this stuff made me. Such a trapped situation. Just as usual, I hope you enjoy reading it and this time it won't take that long till we update, promised^^
fonulyn: Well, I’m just going to say shortly that this fic made me cry when writing it and I realize it makes me a bit pathetic x). And I hope that you’re able to see as many emotions in it as we did.
Previously happened: Triangle, Part 2
Chapter 3
Hours were passing and became days which became weeks. Instead of getting better, Kyo's condition got only worse. With every shot he received, every pill he swallowed, his will to fight was fading more and more until he asked himself if there was a sense in clinging to life at all.
His friends, and most of all Kaoru, were worried endlessly and desperation became a common feeling for them. The lead-guitarist refused more often to go home to get the needed sleep, not wanting to be away if the worst of all cases happened. Like a rock, he sat on the small plastic chair beside the small blonde’s bed and held his hand, only dozing lightly from time to time. Whenever the others were telling him that he needed his strength, that he looked like a zombie himself; pale with hollow eyes, he remained stubborn and refused to move away.
The relationship between Die and him was put on hold and at one point Kaoru asked himself if it would survive this kind of stress. He still felt love for the redhead, practically yearned for his proximity, for a single embrace or a kiss. But his sense of responsibility and the promise he had given Kyo, that he wouldn't leave him and stand through this together, didn't allow him to act as his heart demanded. Anyways, they didn't talk a lot at all, didn't mention the feelings they had for each other, since everybody directed all his attention at their dying vocalist. There was just no room for personal things anymore.
It had taken all of Toshiya's and Shinya's persuasion to finally convince Kaoru that he had to get some sleep, had to go home for a shower and just to try to relax a bit. Die had asked them to do that, because whenever he tried to talk to the older guitarist himself, he felt like talking to a wall; his words just recoiling from Kaoru. The two youngest only succeeded, because they promised that Die wouldn't leave Kyo's side and he'd call him if there was the slightest change in his condition.
***
A small sigh resonated in the otherwise quiet room. White, everything was so white that it made even a whisper sound like roaring. Die kept his eyes on his hands and the book that he was trying to read, since his friend was practically unconscious again. His thoughts kept wandering though, and soon he stopped even trying and only stared into nothingness, deep in his thoughts.
He couldn’t help it, every time he was sitting there alone with his own thoughts as company, his mind trailed off to Kaoru. He wondered what he might be doing right now, what he was thinking. Was he thinking of Die as much as Die thought of him? Was he thinking about him at all? Again the redhead sighed, shaking his head a bit to get rid of these thoughts. He didn’t need them right now to make things even more difficult.
"Thinking of him?" A raspy voice brought him back to reality. Kyo had somehow managed to sit up, and quickly Die moved to the bedside to back him up with a few pillows behind his back.
"Why didn’t you tell me you were awake?" He took on a worried tone, trying to make the other as comfortable as possible in the sterile hospital bed. "Want something to drink?" After receiving a nod as an answer he took a glass of water from the small table beside the bed, handing it to the smaller man and helping him to drink.
"I asked you," Kyo spoke again after he had drunken a bit. "Were you thinking about him again?"
Die hung his head, nodding slightly. What would be the use in denying everything, since the other knew it already. "Yeah." His voice was soft, almost inaudible although the room was quiet.
The smaller man rested heavily against his pillows, averting his gaze to look at the ceiling. "It shouldn’t take that long anymore." His voice sounded a bit odd, and he weakly guided his hand towards the glass of water again. Quickly, Die took it and wordlessly helped him to drink.
"I’ll just try to hurry up and die already."
"No Kyo, don’t speak like that. You’re going to make it." He repeated the words only mechanically, not really even bothering to pretend he believed in them himself. They had been saying the words since the vocalist had gotten sick, but never before had they meant so little and been so shallow. He honestly wanted the other to survive, would’ve given almost anything to make a miracle happen and his friend to get better again.
But the truth was that there really wasn’t much hope left. It might take weeks, or it might take months, but slowly the sickness was consuming the small vocalist, took his strength bit by bit. He wasn’t in any condition to walk by himself anymore, couldn’t even stand without two people supporting him. He was barely capable of eating by himself, since his hands were shaking.
"It’s not like I’m waiting for you to die so that I can start living my life." Die's voice was harsher than he intended, but somehow the whole situation frustrated him. "You’re my friend, one of my best friends if not the best. How in hell could I just sit here and wait for you to die? I fucking don’t want you to die!"
Die felt hot tears burn in the corners of his eyes and angrily wiped them away with his sleeve, turning his back on the other man who was sitting on the bed and only stared at him. There was a short moment of silence, the redhead only trying to calm down his breath and the other staring at his back wordlessly.
"But you love him. And when I’m gone you’ll have him."
The statement was so true that it hurt, and Die had to bite his lip forcefully to control himself even slightly. He was lost, didn’t know what he should think or do. He didn’t want to lose his friend, but then again he wanted to have the man he loved. Slowly he shook his head, turning to look at Kyo.
"I don’t care. I don’t want to buy my happiness with your life. It just doesn’t work that way."
Kyo offered him a small and tired smile, knowing how hard this had to be for the redhead as well. Somehow he had already gotten used to the thought of dying, so it was mostly only hard for the people close to him. He himself was just waiting for the end to finally come and release him from this pathetic situation life had thrown him into.
He was tired of fighting for every single breath, for every single moment he got to stay. And if it hadn’t been for his friends, the people who cared for him, he had long ago let go.
Isn’t it unbelievable how twisted life can be sometimes? They were all trapped, no one knowing what to do.
***
For a long time, nothing seemed to change. Kyo was slowly withering away in the eyes of the others, and in reality none of them even had an idea how much time had passed.
The three other bandmembers did their best to drag Kaoru out of the hospital every now and then, or even only to another room to sleep properly, since he just didn't leave the vocalist's side freewillingly, fearing that something might happen to him meanwhile. He had promised to be there once the time would come and he wanted to keep that promise.
In reality though, Kyo wasn't getting any worse anymore. He didn't seem to be going anywhere at all, as he wasn't getting better nor worse either. But they all thought it was in their imagination, and Kyo himself seemed to have accepted his fate.
To Die it was becoming one big struggle as well. He just tried to put his personal feelings on hold, to cover them so that no one would even suspect anything. Shinya and Toshiya didn't know that there ever had been anything between the guitarists, and Die intended to keep it that way. After all, he wasn't even completely sure of what Kaoru felt for him anymore. There was never a moment for them to be alone or to talk about it, since Kaoru spent his time beside the hospital bed, and whenever he wasn't there, he needed his sleep and Die couldn't bring himself to deny that from him.
But once he was alone in his apartment and tried to sleep, he just found himself lying awake and thinking about how fucked up everything had turned out to be.
At first when Die noticed that Kyo was showing signs of getting better, he blamed it on his imagination and thought that he was just hoping to see the other become healthy again and that it was affecting him and making him see things. But when days passed, he couldn't deny it anymore, the vocalist seemed to be a little less tired, was able to sit on his own for a while and was even in a better mood at times.
Die would've been only happy for his friend, if there hadn't been something else as well. Many times when he had been talking to Kyo and Kaoru had walked into the room, the vocalist had suddenly seemed to become much more tired and wasn't even able to talk like a moment before. The redhead simply couldn't believe his eyes, not wanting to believe his friend would do something like that, to try to make Kaoru think he was more sick than he really was.
But Die was right with his assumption. Kyo was indeed getting better. It wasn't as if the sickness was gone and he could go back on stage the following week, but slowly, life was seeping back into his limbs and his mind. He didn't tell anybody though, tried his best to conceal it from everybody, because deep inside he had taken the decision to bind Kaoru to him. This way, he saved some precious time in which he could figure out a plan, hoping, once Kaoru found out that he wouldn't die after all, he'd be so happy about it that he wouldn't have the heart to leave him anymore.
The vocalist knew that this was a cheap trick and usually against his conviction, but he just didn't want to end up alone if he would ever make it out of the hospital on his own two feet again. So he kept on playing the dying whenever Kaoru was near to make sure he would stay with him.
However, the better his condition became, the more boring it was to only lie in bed with nothing else to do but to sleep or stare out of the window. So he used the short moments when Die, or somebody other than the lead-guitarist, attended him to distract himself by chatting with them; always anxious not to show too much that he wasn't as sick anymore as it appeared.
It was beginning to annoy Die to some extent after some time. It pained him to see the worried expression on the lead guitarist's face whenever he came in and found Kyo in no better condition than the day before, although the vocalist had just been in a good mood and talked with the redhead who had happened to be there earlier that day.
He didn't say anything about it though, since he still wasn't sure if he had interpreted things right. Once again Die was keeping company to the vocalist, as they had managed to make Kaoru go home for some time to sleep and take a shower. Die had made it a habit to read something out to his friend, and again they had been going through some magazines together, Kyo seemingly in a pretty good mood.
For a few moments, the vocalist seemed to be his old self again, despite his pale, waxen skin and the dark circles around his eyes. He was talking, making fun of the colourful popstars who were shown in the magazines with for him so typical dark humor. His voice wasn't as faint anymore as before and even his laughter sounded whole-heartedly.
It was when Die had announced he'd go to the toilet and Kyo was alone in the room that his legs were beginning to feel numb. Now that he had regained some strength, his body demanded to be moved from time to time and he thought he could use the safety of the moment to get up and walk around a moment until the numbness left him. Besides, Die had put one of the magazines on a small table at the other end of the room. So Kyo carefully put his feet on the ground and walked a few paces. He had done that more often during the past days, had tried to train the weak muscles secretly. He was sure that even the doctors had no idea how well he indeed was already.
He had overestimated the time it would take for Die to be back though, and was still walking when the redhead returned. He had hurried so that they could go through the rest of the magazines while Kyo was still feeling good enough, but at the door, he stopped abruptly, just staring at his friend who didn't notice him immediately. After watching him a while Die cleared his throat, leaning against the doorframe and looking straight at the other.
Kyo flinched a bit and almost jumped, turning his head to face the door. First, his face grew hot and he was blushing as he felt caught, but in an instant, his features grew petrified and he shrugged. Wordlessly, he walked to his bed and lay down again, resting heavily against the pillows.
After a few seconds, he spoke up. "Go on. There must be something you want to say."
"You're feeling better, aren't you?" Die spoke slowly, not sure what to say and how to react. To him this was a clear sign that confirmed his suspicions about the vocalist trying to fool Kaoru with his well-being.
The smaller man tilted his head and pondered a moment before he answered. "A bit better, yes." He saw no sense in denying it. At least Die could know the truth, it wouldn't change anything.
"A lot better." The redhead's voice was certain, as he more stated than asked it. Turning a bit, he closed the door behind himself before moving closer to the bed.
The answer was a sarcastic snort. "If you call the ability to walk from one end of the room to the other 'a lot', then you're right." There was something in Kyo's gaze, something harsh and stubborn, something like defiance and determination when he went on. "Go on and tell him. He won't believe you anyways."
"Don't you think it's unfair to fool him like this?" Die tilted his head, trying to sound calm, although inside he was fuming. This was an outright cruel behaviour from the vocalist and he should've known how the lead guitarist took it.
"It is." Kyo admitted freewillingly and even nodded to emphasize his words. "But in love and war, everything is allowed and I won't leave him to you now that there's a slight chance I might live through this." For a moment, his features softened, his gaze not piercing the redhead anymore. "I'm sorry, but I still love him and can't let you have him without a fight."
"But he's suffering!" The guitarist couldn't believe what he was hearing, and at first he was truly only worried about Kaoru, not even thinking about himself. That part of the realization came only later. Frustratedly he looked around in the room, like searching for the words he wanted to say. "Can't you see how much it hurts him to see you only getting worse? He deserves to know."
"Don't worry." Kyo's voice got a soothing undertone. "I will tell him. Just not yet." He was so certain that Kaoru would never believe Die if he told him that he was better, that he could very well reveal what he thought. "But soon. First I need to be sure that I really am getting better and that this is not just a phase again."
"It's not a phase and you know it." Die closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself down. "Don't make him go through this. You've got to let him know." But as much as he disagreed with Kyo about this, he knew the other was still sick and he didn't want to start a major scene right now. So he did his best to swallow his anger.
"I don't know anything." Defending himself, the vocalist sat up straight which caused him to cough forcefully a couple of times. "Even the doctors said they don't know anything. Do you want me to tell Kaoru that I'm better when I relapse shortly afterwards again? What do you think it would do to him?" In reality, he wasn't thinking about the lead-guitarist but only about himself, fearing to be left alone once everything was out in the open.
Die bit his lip harshly. "Say what you will, I still think he deserves the truth." He knew that it would be hard on Kaoru if Kyo would seem to be better and then got worse again. But after what he had seen, the vocalist had been getting into a slightly better condition all the time, slowly, so it didn't seem likely to him that this was just a passing phase.
"And he will get the truth!" Suddenly, Kyo felt uncomfortable, doubts about his behaviour nagging in the back of his head. However, he still thought he had the right to act as he did for he still wasn't fully recovered and he still could remember the fear he had gone through when death had been only an inch away, remembered how he had given up hope, surrendered to fate; willing to leave his love to the custody of his redheaded bandmate.
To wriggle out of this trapped situation, he faked a yawn and instantly looked more sick again. "I'm tired now. If you want, you can leave, but I wouldn't mind if you staid either." It was the truth. He didn't have anything against Die as a person. He was still his friend. It was just that they wanted the same thing and neither of them was willing to take a step back.
Die forced out a smile, taking a seat on the chair beside the bed. "I'll stay." He still couldn't deny that the vocalist was one of his best friends, and he didn't want to walk out on him like that; not even now. And while the other was sleeping, he would have the time to think, to sort out this mess inside his head.
"Thank you." Kyo said honestly, looking into Die's chocolate brown eyes with an utter sad expression for a moment, before closing his own almost black ones. He really was exhausted and it didn't take long for him to fall asleep.
The redhead didn't know what to think, and only staid there and stared into the distance for god knows how long. Every time his friend moved in his sleep he turned to look at him automatically, to make sure he was alright. And he couldn't deny that the other even looked healthier than before, although part of it might've been in his imagination.
Despite Kyo's fear, he didn't relapse and only continuously got better and better until it became hard to play the dying for the others anymore. So he let a little bit of his increasing health be shown by talking more, coughing less. These little signs made Kaoru irrationally happy, but he knew that it was just a moment before Kyo would sleep for days again, unable to move. This was what the vocalist did at least; playing the sick who was brave and played the healthy one.
"He's so brave." Kaoru whispered to Die when they switched shifts for the watch again and the lead-guitarist was just about to go home.
Die flinched at the words, but didn't say anything, just tried to smile a bit. He had trusted that Kyo would tell to everyone that he was indeed feeling better, but as days passed, he didn't seem to even intend on doing it. Slowly the redhead gained enough determination, and he decided he needed to tell Kaoru about it, because Kyo obviously wasn't going to do it.
So once, when Toshiya had promised to stay with Kyo for a while, Die volunteered to take Kaoru home, hoping he could talk to him shortly.
The lead-guitarist was grateful when he sat in the passenger seat of Die's car. He had given up on driving longest, being too tired to even hold the steering wheel and too inattentive. He closed his eyes for a moment and instantly felt his mind travel off, the thoughts becoming less focused as he was rapidly falling asleep.
Die's courage almost failed again, but when they were almost at Kaoru's apartment, he finally spoke up. "Kao? I was hoping we could talk for a moment..."
The addressed flinched and rubbed his small eyes, blinking to clear his vision. "Yes, of course. What is it?" He turned his head a bit to face the younger man, giving him a weak smile. When their gazes met, his heart again skipped a few beats and there was this nice, warm and tickling feeling inside his stomach which was always there when he looked at the other guitarist.
"I... well, it's about Kyo." The redhead still didn't know how to say it, and averted his gaze to look at the road. "Did you talk to him lately?"
"I talk to him every day." Kaoru was puffed up. What did Die think he did during the hours of attending the vocalist?
"About how he's feeling?" Die went on, trying not to just burst it out.
"Well-" The older guitarist thought for a moment. Sure, he asked Kyo everyday how he was feeling, but did he ever get a decent answer? "I think he's trying to be strong."
"He's getting better." There it was now, and Die had to look at the other again, his eyes reflecting how serious he was being. "He can even walk again."
"Don't be stupid. The day before yesterday, I had to feed him some soup and he could only eat a few spoons full. Only because he has some brighter moments doesn't mean that he's getting better." Kaoru shook his head, staring at the redhead in disbelief. How could Die claim something like that? Was it because he was tired of waiting?
"No, I'm being completely serious." The redhead sighed, as he had seen this coming, but still had wanted to believe Kaoru would trust him more. "He talks, he walks, he sits for hours without getting too tired."
"Is it because you can't wait anymore?" Kaoru asked out of the blue, still staring at the other man. "Are you getting too tired of this shit? Believe me, if there's the slightest sign that Kyo won't die and will get better again, I will talk to him about us, but not like this. Please don't force it on me."
"It's not about me! I'm not trying to force anything on you." Die turned his eyes on the road again, gripping the steering wheel knuckles white. "Can't you see that he's only playing the dying for you, hiding that he's getting better? He really is getting better, but doesn't want you to see it."
The lead-guitarist rubbed his temples with his middle- and index fingers. He didn't know what to believe, had no clue why anybody should lie to him. At least in his opinion Die had a motive to lie, to make him leave the vocalist already, but why should Kyo lie about his condition? It didn't make any sense. Kyo was unaware of the fact that he ever had the intention to break up with him; at least that was what he believed. "He's not getting better and even if, it's neglectable." He finally uttered, not daring to look at the redhead.
"You really think I'm lying?" They were already in front of the apartment complex where Kaoru lived, and Die stopped the car, turning to look at the other. There was a small lump in his throat, and he simply felt bad that the Kaoru didn't trust him to be honest with him.
"I don't know what I should think." Reluctantly, the lead-guitarist turned his head to look at the other guitarist from miserable and tired eyes. "I really don't know anything anymore."
"I'm not lying, believe me." The younger man practically pleaded with his eyes, although he could see the whole thing going as wrong as it could. The other didn't believe him, and this whole talk had been in vain.
"Please, Die..." Kaoru whispered, an undefined mass of emotions and thoughts racing through him as he tried to see a reason why Kyo should lie. He really wanted to believe the other guitarist, wanted to trust him and not allow the love he felt to get a flaw by something like a lie.
He needed time to think and so just quickly planted a small peck on Die's cheek, whispering a faint "Sorry" before he exited the car and rushed toward the entrance of his apartment.
Die could feel tears burning in his eyes but he stubbornly forced them away and took a few deep breaths to calm down before driving off. So he had gained nothing with this talk, only made the other believe he was willing to lie to just get him.
Inside his apartment, Kaoru threw himself on the bed fully dressed and tried to get some kind of order in the mixed thoughts inside his head. A few stray tears were running down his cheeks, because he was just so desperate, still wanting to believe Die but not seeing a reason why Kyo should lie to him. However, he would try to talk to the vocalist and see if he was getting better again. Maybe this fact had passed him by unnoticed since he was just too worried about the small blond.
The days went on as if nothing had happened though, and not even Die mentioned it again. He thought that it wouldn't do good anyways, and waited more or less patiently that things would sort themselves out eventually.
But Kyo was slowly beginning to make clear how seriously he still wanted to fight for the lead guitarist. Every time he had the chance to show with a few words or a small touch that Kaoru still was his, he did it, causing Die's heart to cramp. It was almost as if Kyo was trying to make him feel as miserable as possible, by witnessing how the two exchanged a kiss or something similar.
First, it still had only been vague allusions, something Kyo uttered between two sentences whenever all three of them were in one room. Their two other bandmates had no idea about what was going on between them and whenever either Toshiya or Shinya or even both were present, nothing seemed to have changed. Kyo played the sick, Kaoru took care of him and Die, yes Die mostly stared at the scene with a mixture of disbelief and doubt.
However, Kaoru noticed that Kyo had become a bit more touchy, demanded a kiss more often, if even only a peck on the lips, and it made him feel uncomfortable. One day, he was just about to say goodbye to the small vocalist because he wanted to take a shower and a nap at home, the other wrapped his arms around his neck and gave him a deep kiss. What Kaoru didn't know was that, without him noticing it, Die had entered the room just a second before and the vocalist was gazing at him triumphantly.
For a second Die only stared at the scene disbelievingly. It was clear in Kyo's eyes that he enjoyed the moment, not only the kiss but the way he kind of showed that he still owned the lead guitarist. Die had been patient, if one asked him, he had been nearly a saint, but this was just too much.
Not able to control it, he felt his blood boil as the anger rose in him, and he didn't even give it another thought before speaking up. "Kaoru. We need to talk." He was staring at the vocalist though, showing he wasn't going to back off.
Instantly, the lead-guitarist broke the connection and turned his head. His face was flushed, but not due to the pleasant feelings a kiss usually evoked than more due to the fact that he felt cheap kissing Kyo while he thought about somebody else. His heart sped up when he saw the hard expression on the other guitarist's features and he thought that this was it, now Die would tell him he would leave him before they even got together in the first place.
For the first time in months thinking only about himself, he nodded and got up without giving Kyo the chance to say something on his side. "Yes, of course." Almost submissively, Kaoru quickly followed the redhead outside.
"You still think he's not getting better?" As soon as they were out in the corridor Die turned to look at him, not sure what he wanted to say as the anger was mixing with desperation. He didn't want to screw things up between them, but as far as it seemed to be going now, there was never going to be anything between them, because the vocalist had such a tight grip on the older guitarist.
"I-" Kaoru began, bowing his head and searching for words. What did he believe? It was obvious that Kyo's condition had become a bit better during the past weeks and he again seemed to have some will in him to fight for his life. But did that mean he would be fully recovered once? "I don't know." Came the insecure answer. "He seems to be a bit better, yes. But he's still so weak."
"He's not dying anymore for god's sake!" Die couldn't help but to raise his voice as the things just burst out once he had finally had enough. "Open your eyes Kaoru, he's just fooling you to bind you to himself."
"No." Stubbornly, the older guitarist shook his head. "There's no reason why he should do that. What sense would it make when he believes I am still his anyways?" His voice was getting louder too, the emotions just boiling up, both their nerves ready to snap any moment. Just then, Kaoru realized where they were and he grabbed the other's upper arm. "Let's get outside."
Reluctantly Die allowed the other to drag him outside, but as soon as the door closed behind them he spoke up again, afraid he'd lose the courage he needed for it if he waited too long. "Do you think he's stupid or something, that he hadn't seen that your relationship was dying just as much as you saw it?"
He yanked his arm free from the other's grasp, shaking his head frantically. "I know I'm the bad guy here, trying to come between you two, but I really care for you and I wanted to give you all the time you need," He swallowed hard, trying to force away the tears that were burning in his eyes. "but I just can't go on like this anymore. Not even for you."
The words hit where it hurt and tears were burning behind Kaoru's eyelids. He was torn, torn between his want to be with the other guitarist, to be together with him as a couple, spend happy moments with him, to touch and kiss him; and between his sense for responsibility. He had been with Kyo for more than two years. That was something one didn't just wipe of with a dismissive handgesture.
Swallowing hard against the lump in his throat, he fought for control over his body and force the tears down. "I- I understand." His voice sounded hoarse and it broke in the end. "But even if this is the case, you must understand that I can't just leave him now without making sure he's going to be alright." He wanted so bad to just throw himself into the other man's arms, to tell him that he would leave Kyo right away, but there was still some decency inside him left that forbid it. Still, he couldn't believe, didn't want to believe, that the vocalist was playing such a cheap game and like being trapped in a vicious circle, he had no idea how he could achieve both, his happiness with Die and still save Kyo.
"I don't know." Die felt like his knees would give in at any moment as he just wanted to cry, cry for his hopes that seemed to go down the drain. He still knew he wasn't the only one for whom this was difficult, but he was too tired to be strong right now, too tired to pretend he didn't want to just hold the older guitarist. "I love you but I can't take this anymore." He bit his lip forcefully, and although he had been going in to keep company to the vocalist all he could think of now was to flee the scenery.
As one tear managed to overcome the barrier, Kaoru wiped it off hastily with the back of his hand. He had been strong for so long, only because of the knowledge Die would wait, was always there for him in his mind. How could he go on if the other now turned around and left?
Still, he couldn't act against his nature, couldn't bring himself to believe that Kyo cheated on him in such a cheap way, toyed around with something of that magnitude. It was part of the unconditional trust he gave the one he loved and although he didn't love the vocalist anymore, he still trusted him. "I'm sorry." Repeating those words was all he could do, all he had to offer. "I'm sorry."
The redhead couldn't hold back the tears any longer, and only looked at the other desperately, biting his lip not to break down completely. Shakily he nodded, not daring to talk since he feared his voice would just give in. But he didn't leave either, as he just couldn't bring himself to turn his back on Kaoru. It would feel simply cheap.
"Die, I-" The older guitarist couldn't finish the sentence before a dry sob broke it. "Just give me some more time," he pleaded. "Just a bit longer until he feels better. Please."
"He already feels better." Die closed his eyes, hanging his head. "I'm sorry, I can't..." His voice was silent, clearly showing how bad he was feeling, especially since he felt like letting the older guitarist down.
Ignoring the fact that he still believed the redhead was wrong, Kaoru tried it another way, fighting for what he wanted most in his life. "But I can't just go to him and tell him it's over. It would cause a relapse or a breakdown. No matter what, he's not fully recovered yet."
"I don't know anything about anything anymore." The younger man opened his eyes, casting a short glance at him before taking a step away. "I'm sorry. I need to go home." He just couldn't bear looking into those eyes he had grown to love, and still not being able to even touch their owner or hug him.
"Please Die! Please don't go!" Not caring for the tears that were flowing over his cheeks, the older guitarist reached out to hold the other man back, to make him stay. But at the moment when his hand was about to touch the sleeve of Die's jacket, his courage failed him. What did he have to offer him? There was nothing he had to offer the younger man at the moment, no reason why he should stay. So Kaoru just stood there and watched the redhead's retreating form that descended the stairs to the parking space.
Die couldn't hold back the tears anymore, but luckily the other couldn't see them as he was heading away from him. He was even shaking slightly because he just couldn't believe how wrong everything was going. But he simply couldn't do it anymore, not now and not like this. He at least needed time to collect himself, maybe then he would be able to be there for his friends. But he wasn't sure.
Author:
seinen_no and fonulynRating: PG13
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
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seinen_no: Comment: Well, here's the 3rd chapter of the story. The next one will be shorter and the last. Gosh, I can't even say how sad re-reading this stuff made me. Such a trapped situation. Just as usual, I hope you enjoy reading it and this time it won't take that long till we update, promised^^fonulyn: Well, I’m just going to say shortly that this fic made me cry when writing it Previously happened: Triangle, Part 2
Chapter 3
Hours were passing and became days which became weeks. Instead of getting better, Kyo's condition got only worse. With every shot he received, every pill he swallowed, his will to fight was fading more and more until he asked himself if there was a sense in clinging to life at all.
His friends, and most of all Kaoru, were worried endlessly and desperation became a common feeling for them. The lead-guitarist refused more often to go home to get the needed sleep, not wanting to be away if the worst of all cases happened. Like a rock, he sat on the small plastic chair beside the small blonde’s bed and held his hand, only dozing lightly from time to time. Whenever the others were telling him that he needed his strength, that he looked like a zombie himself; pale with hollow eyes, he remained stubborn and refused to move away.
The relationship between Die and him was put on hold and at one point Kaoru asked himself if it would survive this kind of stress. He still felt love for the redhead, practically yearned for his proximity, for a single embrace or a kiss. But his sense of responsibility and the promise he had given Kyo, that he wouldn't leave him and stand through this together, didn't allow him to act as his heart demanded. Anyways, they didn't talk a lot at all, didn't mention the feelings they had for each other, since everybody directed all his attention at their dying vocalist. There was just no room for personal things anymore.
It had taken all of Toshiya's and Shinya's persuasion to finally convince Kaoru that he had to get some sleep, had to go home for a shower and just to try to relax a bit. Die had asked them to do that, because whenever he tried to talk to the older guitarist himself, he felt like talking to a wall; his words just recoiling from Kaoru. The two youngest only succeeded, because they promised that Die wouldn't leave Kyo's side and he'd call him if there was the slightest change in his condition.
A small sigh resonated in the otherwise quiet room. White, everything was so white that it made even a whisper sound like roaring. Die kept his eyes on his hands and the book that he was trying to read, since his friend was practically unconscious again. His thoughts kept wandering though, and soon he stopped even trying and only stared into nothingness, deep in his thoughts.
He couldn’t help it, every time he was sitting there alone with his own thoughts as company, his mind trailed off to Kaoru. He wondered what he might be doing right now, what he was thinking. Was he thinking of Die as much as Die thought of him? Was he thinking about him at all? Again the redhead sighed, shaking his head a bit to get rid of these thoughts. He didn’t need them right now to make things even more difficult.
"Thinking of him?" A raspy voice brought him back to reality. Kyo had somehow managed to sit up, and quickly Die moved to the bedside to back him up with a few pillows behind his back.
"Why didn’t you tell me you were awake?" He took on a worried tone, trying to make the other as comfortable as possible in the sterile hospital bed. "Want something to drink?" After receiving a nod as an answer he took a glass of water from the small table beside the bed, handing it to the smaller man and helping him to drink.
"I asked you," Kyo spoke again after he had drunken a bit. "Were you thinking about him again?"
Die hung his head, nodding slightly. What would be the use in denying everything, since the other knew it already. "Yeah." His voice was soft, almost inaudible although the room was quiet.
The smaller man rested heavily against his pillows, averting his gaze to look at the ceiling. "It shouldn’t take that long anymore." His voice sounded a bit odd, and he weakly guided his hand towards the glass of water again. Quickly, Die took it and wordlessly helped him to drink.
"I’ll just try to hurry up and die already."
"No Kyo, don’t speak like that. You’re going to make it." He repeated the words only mechanically, not really even bothering to pretend he believed in them himself. They had been saying the words since the vocalist had gotten sick, but never before had they meant so little and been so shallow. He honestly wanted the other to survive, would’ve given almost anything to make a miracle happen and his friend to get better again.
But the truth was that there really wasn’t much hope left. It might take weeks, or it might take months, but slowly the sickness was consuming the small vocalist, took his strength bit by bit. He wasn’t in any condition to walk by himself anymore, couldn’t even stand without two people supporting him. He was barely capable of eating by himself, since his hands were shaking.
"It’s not like I’m waiting for you to die so that I can start living my life." Die's voice was harsher than he intended, but somehow the whole situation frustrated him. "You’re my friend, one of my best friends if not the best. How in hell could I just sit here and wait for you to die? I fucking don’t want you to die!"
Die felt hot tears burn in the corners of his eyes and angrily wiped them away with his sleeve, turning his back on the other man who was sitting on the bed and only stared at him. There was a short moment of silence, the redhead only trying to calm down his breath and the other staring at his back wordlessly.
"But you love him. And when I’m gone you’ll have him."
The statement was so true that it hurt, and Die had to bite his lip forcefully to control himself even slightly. He was lost, didn’t know what he should think or do. He didn’t want to lose his friend, but then again he wanted to have the man he loved. Slowly he shook his head, turning to look at Kyo.
"I don’t care. I don’t want to buy my happiness with your life. It just doesn’t work that way."
Kyo offered him a small and tired smile, knowing how hard this had to be for the redhead as well. Somehow he had already gotten used to the thought of dying, so it was mostly only hard for the people close to him. He himself was just waiting for the end to finally come and release him from this pathetic situation life had thrown him into.
He was tired of fighting for every single breath, for every single moment he got to stay. And if it hadn’t been for his friends, the people who cared for him, he had long ago let go.
Isn’t it unbelievable how twisted life can be sometimes? They were all trapped, no one knowing what to do.
For a long time, nothing seemed to change. Kyo was slowly withering away in the eyes of the others, and in reality none of them even had an idea how much time had passed.
The three other bandmembers did their best to drag Kaoru out of the hospital every now and then, or even only to another room to sleep properly, since he just didn't leave the vocalist's side freewillingly, fearing that something might happen to him meanwhile. He had promised to be there once the time would come and he wanted to keep that promise.
In reality though, Kyo wasn't getting any worse anymore. He didn't seem to be going anywhere at all, as he wasn't getting better nor worse either. But they all thought it was in their imagination, and Kyo himself seemed to have accepted his fate.
To Die it was becoming one big struggle as well. He just tried to put his personal feelings on hold, to cover them so that no one would even suspect anything. Shinya and Toshiya didn't know that there ever had been anything between the guitarists, and Die intended to keep it that way. After all, he wasn't even completely sure of what Kaoru felt for him anymore. There was never a moment for them to be alone or to talk about it, since Kaoru spent his time beside the hospital bed, and whenever he wasn't there, he needed his sleep and Die couldn't bring himself to deny that from him.
But once he was alone in his apartment and tried to sleep, he just found himself lying awake and thinking about how fucked up everything had turned out to be.
At first when Die noticed that Kyo was showing signs of getting better, he blamed it on his imagination and thought that he was just hoping to see the other become healthy again and that it was affecting him and making him see things. But when days passed, he couldn't deny it anymore, the vocalist seemed to be a little less tired, was able to sit on his own for a while and was even in a better mood at times.
Die would've been only happy for his friend, if there hadn't been something else as well. Many times when he had been talking to Kyo and Kaoru had walked into the room, the vocalist had suddenly seemed to become much more tired and wasn't even able to talk like a moment before. The redhead simply couldn't believe his eyes, not wanting to believe his friend would do something like that, to try to make Kaoru think he was more sick than he really was.
But Die was right with his assumption. Kyo was indeed getting better. It wasn't as if the sickness was gone and he could go back on stage the following week, but slowly, life was seeping back into his limbs and his mind. He didn't tell anybody though, tried his best to conceal it from everybody, because deep inside he had taken the decision to bind Kaoru to him. This way, he saved some precious time in which he could figure out a plan, hoping, once Kaoru found out that he wouldn't die after all, he'd be so happy about it that he wouldn't have the heart to leave him anymore.
The vocalist knew that this was a cheap trick and usually against his conviction, but he just didn't want to end up alone if he would ever make it out of the hospital on his own two feet again. So he kept on playing the dying whenever Kaoru was near to make sure he would stay with him.
However, the better his condition became, the more boring it was to only lie in bed with nothing else to do but to sleep or stare out of the window. So he used the short moments when Die, or somebody other than the lead-guitarist, attended him to distract himself by chatting with them; always anxious not to show too much that he wasn't as sick anymore as it appeared.
It was beginning to annoy Die to some extent after some time. It pained him to see the worried expression on the lead guitarist's face whenever he came in and found Kyo in no better condition than the day before, although the vocalist had just been in a good mood and talked with the redhead who had happened to be there earlier that day.
He didn't say anything about it though, since he still wasn't sure if he had interpreted things right. Once again Die was keeping company to the vocalist, as they had managed to make Kaoru go home for some time to sleep and take a shower. Die had made it a habit to read something out to his friend, and again they had been going through some magazines together, Kyo seemingly in a pretty good mood.
For a few moments, the vocalist seemed to be his old self again, despite his pale, waxen skin and the dark circles around his eyes. He was talking, making fun of the colourful popstars who were shown in the magazines with for him so typical dark humor. His voice wasn't as faint anymore as before and even his laughter sounded whole-heartedly.
It was when Die had announced he'd go to the toilet and Kyo was alone in the room that his legs were beginning to feel numb. Now that he had regained some strength, his body demanded to be moved from time to time and he thought he could use the safety of the moment to get up and walk around a moment until the numbness left him. Besides, Die had put one of the magazines on a small table at the other end of the room. So Kyo carefully put his feet on the ground and walked a few paces. He had done that more often during the past days, had tried to train the weak muscles secretly. He was sure that even the doctors had no idea how well he indeed was already.
He had overestimated the time it would take for Die to be back though, and was still walking when the redhead returned. He had hurried so that they could go through the rest of the magazines while Kyo was still feeling good enough, but at the door, he stopped abruptly, just staring at his friend who didn't notice him immediately. After watching him a while Die cleared his throat, leaning against the doorframe and looking straight at the other.
Kyo flinched a bit and almost jumped, turning his head to face the door. First, his face grew hot and he was blushing as he felt caught, but in an instant, his features grew petrified and he shrugged. Wordlessly, he walked to his bed and lay down again, resting heavily against the pillows.
After a few seconds, he spoke up. "Go on. There must be something you want to say."
"You're feeling better, aren't you?" Die spoke slowly, not sure what to say and how to react. To him this was a clear sign that confirmed his suspicions about the vocalist trying to fool Kaoru with his well-being.
The smaller man tilted his head and pondered a moment before he answered. "A bit better, yes." He saw no sense in denying it. At least Die could know the truth, it wouldn't change anything.
"A lot better." The redhead's voice was certain, as he more stated than asked it. Turning a bit, he closed the door behind himself before moving closer to the bed.
The answer was a sarcastic snort. "If you call the ability to walk from one end of the room to the other 'a lot', then you're right." There was something in Kyo's gaze, something harsh and stubborn, something like defiance and determination when he went on. "Go on and tell him. He won't believe you anyways."
"Don't you think it's unfair to fool him like this?" Die tilted his head, trying to sound calm, although inside he was fuming. This was an outright cruel behaviour from the vocalist and he should've known how the lead guitarist took it.
"It is." Kyo admitted freewillingly and even nodded to emphasize his words. "But in love and war, everything is allowed and I won't leave him to you now that there's a slight chance I might live through this." For a moment, his features softened, his gaze not piercing the redhead anymore. "I'm sorry, but I still love him and can't let you have him without a fight."
"But he's suffering!" The guitarist couldn't believe what he was hearing, and at first he was truly only worried about Kaoru, not even thinking about himself. That part of the realization came only later. Frustratedly he looked around in the room, like searching for the words he wanted to say. "Can't you see how much it hurts him to see you only getting worse? He deserves to know."
"Don't worry." Kyo's voice got a soothing undertone. "I will tell him. Just not yet." He was so certain that Kaoru would never believe Die if he told him that he was better, that he could very well reveal what he thought. "But soon. First I need to be sure that I really am getting better and that this is not just a phase again."
"It's not a phase and you know it." Die closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself down. "Don't make him go through this. You've got to let him know." But as much as he disagreed with Kyo about this, he knew the other was still sick and he didn't want to start a major scene right now. So he did his best to swallow his anger.
"I don't know anything." Defending himself, the vocalist sat up straight which caused him to cough forcefully a couple of times. "Even the doctors said they don't know anything. Do you want me to tell Kaoru that I'm better when I relapse shortly afterwards again? What do you think it would do to him?" In reality, he wasn't thinking about the lead-guitarist but only about himself, fearing to be left alone once everything was out in the open.
Die bit his lip harshly. "Say what you will, I still think he deserves the truth." He knew that it would be hard on Kaoru if Kyo would seem to be better and then got worse again. But after what he had seen, the vocalist had been getting into a slightly better condition all the time, slowly, so it didn't seem likely to him that this was just a passing phase.
"And he will get the truth!" Suddenly, Kyo felt uncomfortable, doubts about his behaviour nagging in the back of his head. However, he still thought he had the right to act as he did for he still wasn't fully recovered and he still could remember the fear he had gone through when death had been only an inch away, remembered how he had given up hope, surrendered to fate; willing to leave his love to the custody of his redheaded bandmate.
To wriggle out of this trapped situation, he faked a yawn and instantly looked more sick again. "I'm tired now. If you want, you can leave, but I wouldn't mind if you staid either." It was the truth. He didn't have anything against Die as a person. He was still his friend. It was just that they wanted the same thing and neither of them was willing to take a step back.
Die forced out a smile, taking a seat on the chair beside the bed. "I'll stay." He still couldn't deny that the vocalist was one of his best friends, and he didn't want to walk out on him like that; not even now. And while the other was sleeping, he would have the time to think, to sort out this mess inside his head.
"Thank you." Kyo said honestly, looking into Die's chocolate brown eyes with an utter sad expression for a moment, before closing his own almost black ones. He really was exhausted and it didn't take long for him to fall asleep.
The redhead didn't know what to think, and only staid there and stared into the distance for god knows how long. Every time his friend moved in his sleep he turned to look at him automatically, to make sure he was alright. And he couldn't deny that the other even looked healthier than before, although part of it might've been in his imagination.
Despite Kyo's fear, he didn't relapse and only continuously got better and better until it became hard to play the dying for the others anymore. So he let a little bit of his increasing health be shown by talking more, coughing less. These little signs made Kaoru irrationally happy, but he knew that it was just a moment before Kyo would sleep for days again, unable to move. This was what the vocalist did at least; playing the sick who was brave and played the healthy one.
"He's so brave." Kaoru whispered to Die when they switched shifts for the watch again and the lead-guitarist was just about to go home.
Die flinched at the words, but didn't say anything, just tried to smile a bit. He had trusted that Kyo would tell to everyone that he was indeed feeling better, but as days passed, he didn't seem to even intend on doing it. Slowly the redhead gained enough determination, and he decided he needed to tell Kaoru about it, because Kyo obviously wasn't going to do it.
So once, when Toshiya had promised to stay with Kyo for a while, Die volunteered to take Kaoru home, hoping he could talk to him shortly.
The lead-guitarist was grateful when he sat in the passenger seat of Die's car. He had given up on driving longest, being too tired to even hold the steering wheel and too inattentive. He closed his eyes for a moment and instantly felt his mind travel off, the thoughts becoming less focused as he was rapidly falling asleep.
Die's courage almost failed again, but when they were almost at Kaoru's apartment, he finally spoke up. "Kao? I was hoping we could talk for a moment..."
The addressed flinched and rubbed his small eyes, blinking to clear his vision. "Yes, of course. What is it?" He turned his head a bit to face the younger man, giving him a weak smile. When their gazes met, his heart again skipped a few beats and there was this nice, warm and tickling feeling inside his stomach which was always there when he looked at the other guitarist.
"I... well, it's about Kyo." The redhead still didn't know how to say it, and averted his gaze to look at the road. "Did you talk to him lately?"
"I talk to him every day." Kaoru was puffed up. What did Die think he did during the hours of attending the vocalist?
"About how he's feeling?" Die went on, trying not to just burst it out.
"Well-" The older guitarist thought for a moment. Sure, he asked Kyo everyday how he was feeling, but did he ever get a decent answer? "I think he's trying to be strong."
"He's getting better." There it was now, and Die had to look at the other again, his eyes reflecting how serious he was being. "He can even walk again."
"Don't be stupid. The day before yesterday, I had to feed him some soup and he could only eat a few spoons full. Only because he has some brighter moments doesn't mean that he's getting better." Kaoru shook his head, staring at the redhead in disbelief. How could Die claim something like that? Was it because he was tired of waiting?
"No, I'm being completely serious." The redhead sighed, as he had seen this coming, but still had wanted to believe Kaoru would trust him more. "He talks, he walks, he sits for hours without getting too tired."
"Is it because you can't wait anymore?" Kaoru asked out of the blue, still staring at the other man. "Are you getting too tired of this shit? Believe me, if there's the slightest sign that Kyo won't die and will get better again, I will talk to him about us, but not like this. Please don't force it on me."
"It's not about me! I'm not trying to force anything on you." Die turned his eyes on the road again, gripping the steering wheel knuckles white. "Can't you see that he's only playing the dying for you, hiding that he's getting better? He really is getting better, but doesn't want you to see it."
The lead-guitarist rubbed his temples with his middle- and index fingers. He didn't know what to believe, had no clue why anybody should lie to him. At least in his opinion Die had a motive to lie, to make him leave the vocalist already, but why should Kyo lie about his condition? It didn't make any sense. Kyo was unaware of the fact that he ever had the intention to break up with him; at least that was what he believed. "He's not getting better and even if, it's neglectable." He finally uttered, not daring to look at the redhead.
"You really think I'm lying?" They were already in front of the apartment complex where Kaoru lived, and Die stopped the car, turning to look at the other. There was a small lump in his throat, and he simply felt bad that the Kaoru didn't trust him to be honest with him.
"I don't know what I should think." Reluctantly, the lead-guitarist turned his head to look at the other guitarist from miserable and tired eyes. "I really don't know anything anymore."
"I'm not lying, believe me." The younger man practically pleaded with his eyes, although he could see the whole thing going as wrong as it could. The other didn't believe him, and this whole talk had been in vain.
"Please, Die..." Kaoru whispered, an undefined mass of emotions and thoughts racing through him as he tried to see a reason why Kyo should lie. He really wanted to believe the other guitarist, wanted to trust him and not allow the love he felt to get a flaw by something like a lie.
He needed time to think and so just quickly planted a small peck on Die's cheek, whispering a faint "Sorry" before he exited the car and rushed toward the entrance of his apartment.
Die could feel tears burning in his eyes but he stubbornly forced them away and took a few deep breaths to calm down before driving off. So he had gained nothing with this talk, only made the other believe he was willing to lie to just get him.
Inside his apartment, Kaoru threw himself on the bed fully dressed and tried to get some kind of order in the mixed thoughts inside his head. A few stray tears were running down his cheeks, because he was just so desperate, still wanting to believe Die but not seeing a reason why Kyo should lie to him. However, he would try to talk to the vocalist and see if he was getting better again. Maybe this fact had passed him by unnoticed since he was just too worried about the small blond.
The days went on as if nothing had happened though, and not even Die mentioned it again. He thought that it wouldn't do good anyways, and waited more or less patiently that things would sort themselves out eventually.
But Kyo was slowly beginning to make clear how seriously he still wanted to fight for the lead guitarist. Every time he had the chance to show with a few words or a small touch that Kaoru still was his, he did it, causing Die's heart to cramp. It was almost as if Kyo was trying to make him feel as miserable as possible, by witnessing how the two exchanged a kiss or something similar.
First, it still had only been vague allusions, something Kyo uttered between two sentences whenever all three of them were in one room. Their two other bandmates had no idea about what was going on between them and whenever either Toshiya or Shinya or even both were present, nothing seemed to have changed. Kyo played the sick, Kaoru took care of him and Die, yes Die mostly stared at the scene with a mixture of disbelief and doubt.
However, Kaoru noticed that Kyo had become a bit more touchy, demanded a kiss more often, if even only a peck on the lips, and it made him feel uncomfortable. One day, he was just about to say goodbye to the small vocalist because he wanted to take a shower and a nap at home, the other wrapped his arms around his neck and gave him a deep kiss. What Kaoru didn't know was that, without him noticing it, Die had entered the room just a second before and the vocalist was gazing at him triumphantly.
For a second Die only stared at the scene disbelievingly. It was clear in Kyo's eyes that he enjoyed the moment, not only the kiss but the way he kind of showed that he still owned the lead guitarist. Die had been patient, if one asked him, he had been nearly a saint, but this was just too much.
Not able to control it, he felt his blood boil as the anger rose in him, and he didn't even give it another thought before speaking up. "Kaoru. We need to talk." He was staring at the vocalist though, showing he wasn't going to back off.
Instantly, the lead-guitarist broke the connection and turned his head. His face was flushed, but not due to the pleasant feelings a kiss usually evoked than more due to the fact that he felt cheap kissing Kyo while he thought about somebody else. His heart sped up when he saw the hard expression on the other guitarist's features and he thought that this was it, now Die would tell him he would leave him before they even got together in the first place.
For the first time in months thinking only about himself, he nodded and got up without giving Kyo the chance to say something on his side. "Yes, of course." Almost submissively, Kaoru quickly followed the redhead outside.
"You still think he's not getting better?" As soon as they were out in the corridor Die turned to look at him, not sure what he wanted to say as the anger was mixing with desperation. He didn't want to screw things up between them, but as far as it seemed to be going now, there was never going to be anything between them, because the vocalist had such a tight grip on the older guitarist.
"I-" Kaoru began, bowing his head and searching for words. What did he believe? It was obvious that Kyo's condition had become a bit better during the past weeks and he again seemed to have some will in him to fight for his life. But did that mean he would be fully recovered once? "I don't know." Came the insecure answer. "He seems to be a bit better, yes. But he's still so weak."
"He's not dying anymore for god's sake!" Die couldn't help but to raise his voice as the things just burst out once he had finally had enough. "Open your eyes Kaoru, he's just fooling you to bind you to himself."
"No." Stubbornly, the older guitarist shook his head. "There's no reason why he should do that. What sense would it make when he believes I am still his anyways?" His voice was getting louder too, the emotions just boiling up, both their nerves ready to snap any moment. Just then, Kaoru realized where they were and he grabbed the other's upper arm. "Let's get outside."
Reluctantly Die allowed the other to drag him outside, but as soon as the door closed behind them he spoke up again, afraid he'd lose the courage he needed for it if he waited too long. "Do you think he's stupid or something, that he hadn't seen that your relationship was dying just as much as you saw it?"
He yanked his arm free from the other's grasp, shaking his head frantically. "I know I'm the bad guy here, trying to come between you two, but I really care for you and I wanted to give you all the time you need," He swallowed hard, trying to force away the tears that were burning in his eyes. "but I just can't go on like this anymore. Not even for you."
The words hit where it hurt and tears were burning behind Kaoru's eyelids. He was torn, torn between his want to be with the other guitarist, to be together with him as a couple, spend happy moments with him, to touch and kiss him; and between his sense for responsibility. He had been with Kyo for more than two years. That was something one didn't just wipe of with a dismissive handgesture.
Swallowing hard against the lump in his throat, he fought for control over his body and force the tears down. "I- I understand." His voice sounded hoarse and it broke in the end. "But even if this is the case, you must understand that I can't just leave him now without making sure he's going to be alright." He wanted so bad to just throw himself into the other man's arms, to tell him that he would leave Kyo right away, but there was still some decency inside him left that forbid it. Still, he couldn't believe, didn't want to believe, that the vocalist was playing such a cheap game and like being trapped in a vicious circle, he had no idea how he could achieve both, his happiness with Die and still save Kyo.
"I don't know." Die felt like his knees would give in at any moment as he just wanted to cry, cry for his hopes that seemed to go down the drain. He still knew he wasn't the only one for whom this was difficult, but he was too tired to be strong right now, too tired to pretend he didn't want to just hold the older guitarist. "I love you but I can't take this anymore." He bit his lip forcefully, and although he had been going in to keep company to the vocalist all he could think of now was to flee the scenery.
As one tear managed to overcome the barrier, Kaoru wiped it off hastily with the back of his hand. He had been strong for so long, only because of the knowledge Die would wait, was always there for him in his mind. How could he go on if the other now turned around and left?
Still, he couldn't act against his nature, couldn't bring himself to believe that Kyo cheated on him in such a cheap way, toyed around with something of that magnitude. It was part of the unconditional trust he gave the one he loved and although he didn't love the vocalist anymore, he still trusted him. "I'm sorry." Repeating those words was all he could do, all he had to offer. "I'm sorry."
The redhead couldn't hold back the tears any longer, and only looked at the other desperately, biting his lip not to break down completely. Shakily he nodded, not daring to talk since he feared his voice would just give in. But he didn't leave either, as he just couldn't bring himself to turn his back on Kaoru. It would feel simply cheap.
"Die, I-" The older guitarist couldn't finish the sentence before a dry sob broke it. "Just give me some more time," he pleaded. "Just a bit longer until he feels better. Please."
"He already feels better." Die closed his eyes, hanging his head. "I'm sorry, I can't..." His voice was silent, clearly showing how bad he was feeling, especially since he felt like letting the older guitarist down.
Ignoring the fact that he still believed the redhead was wrong, Kaoru tried it another way, fighting for what he wanted most in his life. "But I can't just go to him and tell him it's over. It would cause a relapse or a breakdown. No matter what, he's not fully recovered yet."
"I don't know anything about anything anymore." The younger man opened his eyes, casting a short glance at him before taking a step away. "I'm sorry. I need to go home." He just couldn't bear looking into those eyes he had grown to love, and still not being able to even touch their owner or hug him.
"Please Die! Please don't go!" Not caring for the tears that were flowing over his cheeks, the older guitarist reached out to hold the other man back, to make him stay. But at the moment when his hand was about to touch the sleeve of Die's jacket, his courage failed him. What did he have to offer him? There was nothing he had to offer the younger man at the moment, no reason why he should stay. So Kaoru just stood there and watched the redhead's retreating form that descended the stairs to the parking space.
Die couldn't hold back the tears anymore, but luckily the other couldn't see them as he was heading away from him. He was even shaking slightly because he just couldn't believe how wrong everything was going. But he simply couldn't do it anymore, not now and not like this. He at least needed time to collect himself, maybe then he would be able to be there for his friends. But he wasn't sure.