rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:52 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:52 pm
(no subject)
Title: Triangle; Chapter 2
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seinen_no and fonulyn
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Die and Kaoru, Kyo and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments:
seinen_no: Dammit, it always makes me sad to re-read this story and try to focus on the mistakes and not on the plot. Luckily, I have my dear fonulyn to take care of all the errors and typos.
I don't know what else I should say about this. I can't possibly say "enjoy reading" although I think I want to :D
fonulyn: hehe, I don’t think if it’s good to rely on me to fix the errors though XD but anyways, I think it’s understandable at least^^ Well, this is still making me almost cry when I’m reading this through; but somehow I still like it. A bit of melancholy never hurts, in between of the happier things. So try to enjoy this as well, in its way^^
Previously happened: Part 1
Chapter 2
When the door to the apartment opened the vocalist didn’t even flinch, didn’t react in any way. He had been home for hours now, but he didn't really even notice how much time had passed. He was sitting on the couch, staring into the distance and just feeling somehow numb.
Kaoru felt guilty, as guilty as one could feel, when he opened the door to their apartment, took off his shoes and jacket and finally spotted him on the couch. However, he tried to ignore Kyo's miserable appearance, tried not to let it affect him and instead thought that the moment now was as perfect as any other moment.
Slowly, he approached him, sitting down on the small table in front of him. "Kyo, can we talk for a moment?"
"I was just about to ask you the same." Kyo smiled faintly, but one could see it was forced. "I didn't have an interview today." He felt odd, as if he wasn't in his own body anymore, and thought it'd be best to just get it out now.
"You didn't?" The guitarist was honestly surprised and frowned slightly. "Where were you then?" He sensed there was something more, something major which the other would reveal now.
"I had an appointment." Kyo turned his head away, swallowing hard before going on. "With a doctor."
Instantly, Kaoru was on guard and he couldn't hide the worry in his voice when he asked further. "A doctor? Kyo, what's wrong?"
The small man seemed to shrink a bit even, looking so small and fragile like he had never looked before. "I'm dying."
"What?" The guitarist slid off the table and instinctively grabbed his hand, kneeling in front of him. "No, you're not dying." He couldn't believe what he had just heard, his brains racing with thoughts, emotions and above all, fear.
"But I am." The other nodded, a few stray tears forcing their way past his eyelids. He had been able to hold them back while he'd been alone, but now the barriers slowly broke. "It's cancer, and it's inoperable."
Shocked, turning pale as a sheet, Kaoru sat down on the couch beside him, pulling him into his arms. "Cancer? This can't be! Since when do you know and why didn't you tell me?" He didn't mean to make Kyo feel even worse, but he was so confused, overridden by the magnitude of the information.
"I just found out today." Kyo clutched the other's shirt tightly, his crying becoming worse. "I don't want to die." His voice sounded odd, and somehow he still felt like he wasn't even in his own body any longer, looking down on his own misery from somewhere up above.
"You're not going to die." The lead-guitarist shook his head stubbornly. "I won't allow that to happen." Shifting a bit, he pulled the small vocalist on his lap, holding him securely.
Somewhere deep inside, he knew that it wasn't clever to say those words, but he just couldn't help it. He couldn't. At a moment's notice, his whole life had made an unexpected turn and there was no thinking about leaving Kyo now. He would be there for him, as much as he had been there for him through the whole time of their relationship. There was no question about it.
"Tomorrow, we go to the hospital, ask for the best doctors and see what we can do. But you don't have to lose your faith. You will make it, no matter what."
The small blonde was shaking frantically, holding on to the other man as if it was the only thing that could save his life. "You'll help me, right?" He whispered between ragged breaths, wanting to make sure he didn't have to go through this all alone.
"Of course. I'll be there." Kaoru nodded, squeezing the other man tightly. Gone where all the thoughts of leaving him, gone even the awkwardness that had been standing between them all the time. All that mattered now was to find a way to fight the disease together. He knew that the other would need him as his anchor of hope.
Somehow finding comfort in the older man, Kyo just held on to him, not saying anything further. It took a long while before his breathing had steadied, and slowly he managed to fall asleep in the warm embrace.
When he was certain that Kyo wouldn't wake up anymore, Kaoru carefully put him down to rest on the couch and spread a blanket over him. Thoughts were racing in his head and he tried to sort them, tried to think of what to do first. Die! He had to call Die. So he quickly took the phone and went into his working room, dialling the redhead's number.
Die picked up the phone almost immediately. He had been trying to sleep, but the thoughts of the evening had kept him awake. And he answered to the call with a smile on his lips, as he was simply glad to hear from the other guitarist. "Hey Kao."
"Die. Something happened." Kaoru exhaled deeply and although the other's voice made his stomach twitch pleasantly, he suppressed the feeling.
"Happened?" Instantly the redhead's voice changed, and he sat up on the bed instinctively, the other’s tone alone telling him something was amiss. "You alright?"
"I am fine. It's Kyo I'm worried about." With a trembling voice, the older guitarist explained what the vocalist had told him. Again, he felt a lump rise in his throat, threatening to suffocate him, and a few stray tears were running down his cheeks. "I don't want him to die," he whispered after he had ended.
"Oh god." Die felt a lump in his throat as well, as the vocalist was one of his best friends. And the thing that was on top of his mind at that moment was how they could help him, make him get better. "He will make it, believe me. We get him the best doctors and he will walk through it."
Although Die couldn't see it, Kaoru nodded. "Y-yeah." He swallowed a couple of times, trying to find back to his usual secure self. "Could you please tell the others? I will call the management. They have to cancel the tour and there will be no album. Furthermore, there'll be a press conference, I guess." After a short pause, he whispered. "We have to be there for him. All of us."
"I know we do. And we will be there for him. I'll call the others, and just tell me what I can do to help." Die felt like crying all of a sudden, both because the life of his friend was in danger, and because he just saw his own dreams go down the drain as well. "I'll do whatever I can."
The other man felt equally bad, maybe even worse. "I can't tell him now. I just can't," he whispered pleadingly, hoping the redhead would understand.
"I know." The rhythm guitarist tried to make his voice sound steady, praying the other wouldn't notice he was practically crying. "And you don't have to. Let's see how this develops, maybe he'll get better quickly."
"I hope so. For him." Although Kaoru meant it, he didn't even convince himself. He was torn between his want to be with the redheaded guitarist and the deep feeling of responsibility for Kyo.
The tears, which had been ceasing already, returned with full force after he had hung up the phone. He sank to the floor, hugging his knees tightly to his chest and cried. He cried for his friend, fearing the worst, cried for the band, for their dreams and for his own private life which had to step back now, had become completely irrelevant.
Die kept on staring at the phone for a few moments, just trying to calm himself down. It wouldn't be good if he was crying when he called their other bandmembers. And he knew he should call right away, although it was late and they might be sleeping. They two would kill him for not telling this kind of thing immediately. So after he had steadied his breath enough, he collected himself, making the two phonecalls.
It took some time until Kaoru was steady enough to call their manager. It was a very unpleasant conversation, but he promised to seek for the best doctors there were. After more than two hours, the lead-guitarist was done with duty and felt empty. Still, all his thoughts were circling around Kyo and he went back into the living-room, sitting down in front of the couch and taking the sleeping's hand into his.
The next day was hard for all of them. Die met Shinya and Toshiya and told them everything he knew about the vocalist's condition, which wasn't much. He had talked to the lead guitarist again in the morning, which again had made him cry. And now he desperately tried to cover the traces of tears before seeing his friends.
Kaoru had taken Kyo to see a doctor on his side, trying to organize the best treatment possible. Waiting was something Kaoru had learned to endure, during photoshoots, TV appearances, before lives, in the record studio, but waiting for a doctor to tell him the chances for his friend drove him nuts.
Kyo had been examined again all day, had suffered various tests, had been shoved into into the tube, gotten x-rays and whatelse, but the result naturally hadn't been told yet.
Kaoru had no idea for how long he had been sitting on the small plastic chair in the hall, waiting, and he didn't care. He was praying for a miracle to happen and even forgot smoking. It wasn't that he didn't have an appetite for a cigarette, it was more that he feared he could miss the doctor who wanted to give him the first results.
The vocalist felt mostly numb, just allowing people to drag him from one place to another and do what they wanted to do. Test after test was done, and it felt like it was never going to end. But finally they told him they were finished and then all he was able to do was to wait as well.
When they brought Kyo into one of the rooms, Kaoru followed, holding his hand all the time. He was shocked how pale and weak the other seemed, how vulnerable he was. The sterile white in the room was blinding, cold and made everything surreal. Kyo's blond hair appeared yellow against the sheets under which he was buried, looking like a lost little boy.
The doctors didn't give much hope, but they said they would do everything possible, and therefore the vocalist would have to be put through some very heavy treatments. For him, time stopped mattering as every moment was much like the previous one. The others were there too, all the time at least one of them, trying to help as best they could.
****
Days were passing and Kyo only seemed to get weaker and weaker. He wasn't able to get up without help anymore and whenever one of them took him out in the park for some fresh air and some sunlight, they needed to use a wheelchair. Even Toshiya, who had tried his best to remain cheery, to steady the vocalist by acting as casual around him as possible, merrily telling funny stories, had become melancholy.
It was impossible to keep on hoping with what the doctors had told them. It looked worse than bad and they didn't give Kyo a good chance to survive. Still, Kaoru was hoping for a miracle, spending almost every single minute at the vocalist's side. Only when one of the others was there, he went home, took a shower and tried to get some sleep.
He had no idea how long he could keep up his strong facade, how long he could go on like this. Along with the passing time, the desire for somebody who stood by him, who would give him back some of the strength he had given Kyo, somebody who would soothe him and just be there, the desire for Die, grew stronger.
It was hard on Die as well, as everything just seemed to be going wrong. He had decided that he would put his own personal feelings aside and that he would just be there for his friends to help them live through this. But one can't just switch feelings off like that and often he caught himself just imagining how it would be if he finally got to hold the other guitarist in his arms like he had already allowed himself to hope.
He spent a lot of time with Kyo, both because he had always been a close friend with the vocalist, and because he saw how much Kaoru needed sleep, needed some moments to rest. And soon they all looked more or less like zombies, Kyo's sickness making it hard for all of them. Kyo himself felt mostly numb still, too tired due to the hard treatments to do much of anything. But it mattered to him to have the others near, to have company and not to be alone. He was thankful for all his friends, especially for his lover who staid by his side.
If the other's didn't force him to go home, Kaoru would've even slept in the hospital. A tight ring of steel seemed to close around his heart whenever he was looking at the vocalist and the utter helplessness he felt then brought him at the verge of a nervous breakdown. So far, he hadn't dared to exchange more than a few friendly words with Die, a sad, longing, glance maybe, always anxious never to get too close to him.
At one point Die couldn't even look at the older guitarist, without coming close to breaking down. It was beginning to be harder and harder to just wait for the other, to wait for the situation to change. Especially since there had been nothing, no words, no touches, nothing that would've even confirmed that the other man still wanted him after all, and didn't just intend to stay with the vocalist. Still, he came to the hospital every day, tried to spend time with Kyo, tried to just live through this somehow.
For Kyo it was getting tougher all the time as the bad days were becoming much more frequent than the good ones. Sometimes, he even had the strength to joke and maybe talk to them, but usually he was just staring out of the window, hoping the pain would go away. Often, he only slept with one of his friends sitting by his side. They were always glad when Kyo managed to drift off, because the pain was bearable then and for this short time, he was granted rest and peace.
It was one of his better days and he had even been eating some cake Kaoru had brought for him. However, it was time for the lead-guitarist to leave and just when he was about to reach for the door-handle, Die stepped inside. Their shoulders were touching briefly, their gazes met and to Kaoru it felt like the world had stopped for a split-second and then was going in slow motion. Without giving it a second thought, he turned around and asked the vocalist. "Kyo, is it okay if I go and have a smoke together with Die? If we leave you alone for a moment?"
"Go on." The small man smiled tiredly. "I can survive for a moment."
Die hesitated, looking to and fro between the two, but then just nodded silently and after telling Kyo he'd be back soon he stepped out of the door after the older guitarist.
Kaoru didn't head towards the smoking room. He didn't want to see the sick people there. Instead, he led the way outside. Even though it was raining lightly, a soft breeze blowing, he enjoyed the fresh air. "I am sorry," he began quietly, not daring to look at the redhead.
"Don't be. It's all hard on you." Die averted his gaze to the ground, just concentrating on his cig. He knew that if he'd look at the other for too long, it'd tear down his all defences.
"It's not that I don't want to be with you. It's just that-" But even though Kaoru had wanted to say that it was because he had promised Kyo to stand by his side, to live through this together with him, he couldn't. Where was he in this plan? Where Die? It all seemed so unfair and only having thoughts like these caused him to feel guilty instantly.
"I know, I know." The redhead's voice broke although he tried hard not to show it. "And I understand that you need to focus on him now."
"Die, if you can't wait, then I understand." It had cost Kaoru all his willpower to get those words out and only saying them hurt his heart like the sting of a thousand needles. But he couldn't expect the other man to give up his love life, just to wait for something to happen when it wasn't even sure what would happen and when.
"But I don't want to give up." Finally Die turned to face the other, looking him in the eye. "I still hope for the best." He tried to smile a bit. And one could hear in his voice that he meant both, that he was hoping the vocalist would get better, and that he would finally gain some personal happiness as well.
A confession of love almost slipped the older guitarist, but he thought it was too early for things like that. He had always been the unconditional type of guy, no matter if it came to work, his music or love. But usually this straight forwardness scared others away and he wasn't sure how it would sound in Die's ears, now that Kyo was so sick and the situation seemed to be stuck. So he simply nodded and smiled relieved. "I was hoping you'd say this."
For a moment, it seemed as if he was going to kiss the other man, but then he just walked past him, heading back inside to say goodbye to Kyo
For a few seconds Die only stood there, forcing the tears away and trying to calm down. But he thought it'd look odd if he wouldn't come back with the other, so he just got a grip of himself and followed straight after.
Before he entered the room, Kaoru turned around again. "Could you wait a moment?" He practically pleaded the younger guitarist with his eyes not to ask for the reason. It was simple, he would kiss Kyo goodbye if he was still awake and feeling as well as he had all day and he didn't want the redhead to witness it. It would make him feel cheap, like betraying both of them at the same moment. However, he just couldn't deny Kyo something like that if he asked for it.
Die had a good guess what the other had in his mind, and it certainly didn't make him feel any better. However he just bit his lower lip slightly and nodded, leaning against the wall and casting his eyes down as Kaoru entered the room, leaving him behind.
"Hey." The lead-guitarist smiled at the small blonde once he had closed the door behind himself. He tried not to think about the look on the redhead's face, tried to dismiss it and shrug it off like he would shrug off a bad critic for one of their songs. Apparently, it wasn't this easy and still he did his best. "I just wanted to say bye. Die'll take care of you now while I take a quick nap."
"Take your time." Kyo knew as well how hard this was for the other, but he still never wanted to be left alone. "Die usually reads to me or something, so we'll have fun." His voice sounded continuously tired nowadays, and he was totally exhausted.
Quickly, Kaoru planted a chaste kiss on the small man's lips and smiled at him. "Try to sleep a bit later. You need your strength." If one looked closely, one could see the dark circles under the guitarist's eyes that were speaking about the lack of sleep and the worries that kept him away from it even when he was alone, lying in the bed he usually shared with the vocalist.
"I sleep most of the time." Kyo reminded the other, smiling a bit at him. "You sleep too. You need it."
"Don't worry about me. I will sleep. Besides," already leaving, Kaoru turned around again and smiled, "bad weeds grow tall."
"Just go now." Kyo even chuckled a bit, weakly gesturing for the other he should leave and get the much needed sleep.
Nodding, Kaoru obeyed and slipped out of the room. He closed the door behind himself again, although Die was already waiting to go in. "He's in a better mood than the past days. But he's weak. He'll sleep long, I think."
"Just go and sleep long yourself, Kao. You look like shit." Die tried to smile at the other, but failed rather miserably.
"Now if that isn't a nice compliment." The older guitarist remarked sarcastically, knowing that he looked as horrible as he felt.
"I'm sorry. But it's just the truth." The redhead averted his gaze, the fake smile stuck on his lips. He felt utterly frustrated right now, like most of the time lately. And again hot tears threatened to spill from his eyes, but he held them back with all his might.
"I'm sorry too." Without thinking, Kaoru sneaked his arms around the other's waist, burying his face in the crook of his shoulder. Instantly, he felt a bit better, Die's warmth and scent being something he had been craving for all this time.
The small gesture almost caused the barriers Die had built up to break, and he couldn't hold back a silent sob any longer. Instinctively he hugged the other a bit closer, burying his face into his hair.
Feeling the younger guitarist's body shudder caused a lump in Kaoru's throat and tears to rise behind his closed eyelids, but he bit the insides of his cheeks to suppress them. "I'm so sorry." He couldn't say more and slowly detached again, knowing that if he didn't leave now, he'd never be capable to do it.
"I know. Me too." The redhead swallowed a few times, blinking the stray tears away. He needed to be strong, for both of them.
"I better go now. Take care of yourself." The lead-guitarist had to swallow again and quickly turned his back on the other before the tears would overcome the barriers.
"You too." Die couldn't keep his voice from breaking in the end, as everything was beginning to be too much. Week after week the same suffering for everyone, the happy moments not being many and happening all too rarely.
Without replying anything, Kaoru quickly fled the scenery. Was it too much to ask for some moments of happiness, of carelessness with the one he loved? If he had learned one thing throughout the past weeks, then that his feelings for the other guitarist were even growing instead of fading.
For a moment Die only collected himself, before he considered himself ready to face his friend. He dug out one of his patent smiles, although a bit forced, and entered the room. "I'm sorry it took so long. I had to go to the bathroom."
Kyo looked at him from heavy lidded eyes, but smiled as well. He held his stomach, fighting the urge to throw up again. The treatment, the heavy medics he received, had this side effect and sometimes he couldn't stop vomiting. "It's okay. I'm not going anywhere."
"Need to puke?" The redhead asked automatically, coming closer and taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He was worried about the vomiting too, since sometimes it just didn't seem to end.
"I hope not." The small vocalist shook his head, pressing his lips tightly together. "It'll pass in a moment." Something in his expression changed as he looked at the redhead intensely. "Since how long is this going between you and Kao?" He asked bluntly.
He had sensed it for quite some time, but had refused to admit it to himself, had ignored the glances the two had exchanged. But what had just happened between them before they had left him together, had only strengthened his suspicion and he wanted the redhead to know that he knew.
Die flinched, almost jumped up from his place but forced himself to calm down. "What are you talking about?" He thought denying it might still work, as he was only acting on instinct, saying what came to his mind first.
"I'm talking about the looks you give each other and about what just happened. I know it, Die. There's no need to deny it." With a lot of effort, the small man sat up and glared at the other, angry because he was playing dumb.
"Come on Kyo. We haven't even kissed or anything." The redhead looked up. "You know he would never do that to you. And neither would I."
"But you do have feelings for him?" The vocalist relaxed a bit and now only looked curiously at the other. A bit of colour had risen to his pale cheeks which stood in crass contrast to his hollow eyes.
First Die thought about denying it, about playing it down. But somehow he felt he owed the truth to the other. "I do." He averted his gaze again.
"Since when?" Kyo had to close his eyes for a moment. It hurt to hear that his fried was after his lover, but thinking about it again, he had known for long that their relationship was slowly dying. He had feared more than once that the lead-guitarist would just come to him and tell him it was over. But now, he had something to bind Kaoru to himself, something that gave him the opportunity to make him stay and he would try his best and use it to fix their love.
"Well," Die thought back his life. "I've had this.. thing for him for what feels like forever." He confessed silently. It was love, that he was sure of, but for some reason he didn't want to use that word in front of the small vocalist.
"Then why didn't you get him before me?" Kyo asked, and although his voice was quiet and faint, one could hear the anger in it. He was just irrationally afraid that he could be left alone now, that the one he loved could just decide to go.
"I was too afraid to tell him. And he seemed to prefer you." The guitarist shrugged. He felt truly miserable with everything, and just didn't know what to say. Therefore he settled for simply answering the questions.
"And now that I'm weak and can't do anything, you sense your chances?" The vocalist knew it wasn't as simple as that, but he couldn't help it. He needed somebody to blame, to relieve some of his fear and anger, and Die just came in handy.
"You know that's not true." There was something like anger glimmering in the redhead's eyes, along with the tears he tried to force down. Finally he looked up, straight at the other. "What kind of person do you think I am? And even if I would be the cheapest slut on earth, you know that Kaoru won't just leave you like that."
Instantly, Kyo regretted what he had said. Still, he was afraid Kaoru could do just that once. "He likes you." The words were whispered and he refused to use the term 'love' even though he had seen it in the lead-guitarist's eyes. "But he'll stay with me and I won't just give up on him. He loves me too and although we had problems lately, it's nothing that can't be fixed."
The agitation forced him to cough which ended in choking but when Die wanted to help him, he just waved his hand. "I'm fine. Thanks."
Die didn't know what to say, how to react on that. He just looked away, swallowing hard and again blinking the tears away for what felt like the thousandth time. "You know, I can't lie to you and say I don't want him. But I want you to know that I'm not going to steal him away from you. Not when you're sick and need him."
Kyo laughed cheerlessly. "So as long as I'm sick and dying, you'll keep your hands off him?!" He didn't mean to hurt Die with his words, but it just felt too good at that moment, distracted him from the fear that he would be dying. He felt it and even though nobody told him openly, he knew he wouldn't last very long anymore.
"Kyo, don't do this, please." The redhead flinched and stood up, taking a few steps away, facing the window. Actually, he saw nothing though and his shoulders were hunched. "When you're healthy and fine again, then it's his business to decide whether he wants to stay with you or not." He somehow managed to keep his voice from breaking.
"Yeah sure. But when I die, you can have him anyways. So your chances are not bad; at least fifty-fifty."
Silence fell upon them and Kyo only stared at Die's back. Finally, he released a huge sigh. "I am sorry. It's just that I-" Tears began to roll down his cheeks, muffling his voice. "I'm so afraid."
"I know." Die wanted to go to his friend and to hug him, to show him he knew it was hard. But he didn't dare, and just staid where he was, his vision blurred by the tears which had broken free. "But it's not easy on me either." He knew he wasn't the one dying, wasn't the one who was supposed to feel this bad, who had the permission to feel bad, but he did. And he felt like choking again, the long suppressed feelings causing a lump in his throat.
Something between a snort and a sigh erupted from the vocalist's throat. "I am sorry, but I just can't feel compassionate for you. And I can't let go of him; I won't." He shook his head, still crying. "You are my friend, Die. But I just can't."
"I know you won't, and I'm not asking you to." The situation was somehow unrealistic, and Die still had no clue how to react. "Just please don't blame it all on me. I want to be there for you too, and I want to help."
"I'm not blaming you." Those words were the truth, but Kyo only realized it after he had said them. "I think there is nobody to blame. But I can't help the way I feel." After swallowing hard, he closed his eyes and asked the question which's answer he feared the most. "Did he want to leave me?"
"Kyo," Die dodged the question, not wanting to answer that one. "I really am sorry." He turned to look at the other finally, not minding that he looked like shit and was still crying. "If I could change things, I would, I swear."
"No, you wouldn't." The vocalist shook his head. He was so exhausted that he could barely keep his eyes open, but still continued. "You love him and love feels good."
"But it hurts too," Die reminded, smiling wearily. "And this whole situation is just so wrong."
"It is wrong and it does hurt." Once the other man was close enough, Kyo grabbed his hand and made him sit on the bed's edge. "Please answer my question. Did he want to leave me?" He simply had to know and no matter what the answer was, he would fight for the lead-guitarist.
"Yeah." The guitarist hung his head, not knowing what else to say. Something in the other's eyes made him tell the truth, although he would've rather lied.
Kyo's heart cramped, but he tried not to show it. Instead, he looked at his friend, defiance hidden in his eyes. "I see." He was so tired that it cost him a lot of effort to even move his tongue and speak.
"Die? Will you stay? I'm so tired." He didn't only mean his current state, he also meant that he was tired of fighting the disease, tired of being strong and enduring the doctors' every treatment.
"Of course I will. If you let me." Die managed to even smile a bit, honestly meaning it. No matter how fucked up the relationships between them all had turned, the main thing right now was that Kyo was his friend, and needed all the help and support he could get.
Kyo didn't let go of his hand, but the contact softened considerably. "Thank you." He would have wanted to say more, but was just too exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally, to even think straight. It was only a matter of seconds until he had fallen asleep, unable to withstand it any longer.
The redhead sat there for long, just looking at the sleeping man and holding his hand. He didn't even stir, and had no idea how much time had passed. "I'm sorry," he whispered, when he knew the other was fast asleep, "but I just love him."
Author:
seinen_no and fonulynRating: PG13
Pairing: Die and Kaoru, Kyo and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments:
seinen_no: Dammit, it always makes me sad to re-read this story and try to focus on the mistakes and not on the plot. Luckily, I have my dear fonulyn to take care of all the errors and typos. I don't know what else I should say about this. I can't possibly say "enjoy reading" although I think I want to :D
fonulyn: hehe, I don’t think if it’s good to rely on me to fix the errors though XD but anyways, I think it’s understandable at least^^ Well, this is still making me almost cry when I’m reading this through; but somehow I still like it. A bit of melancholy never hurts, in between of the happier things. So try to enjoy this as well, in its way^^Previously happened: Part 1
Chapter 2
When the door to the apartment opened the vocalist didn’t even flinch, didn’t react in any way. He had been home for hours now, but he didn't really even notice how much time had passed. He was sitting on the couch, staring into the distance and just feeling somehow numb.
Kaoru felt guilty, as guilty as one could feel, when he opened the door to their apartment, took off his shoes and jacket and finally spotted him on the couch. However, he tried to ignore Kyo's miserable appearance, tried not to let it affect him and instead thought that the moment now was as perfect as any other moment.
Slowly, he approached him, sitting down on the small table in front of him. "Kyo, can we talk for a moment?"
"I was just about to ask you the same." Kyo smiled faintly, but one could see it was forced. "I didn't have an interview today." He felt odd, as if he wasn't in his own body anymore, and thought it'd be best to just get it out now.
"You didn't?" The guitarist was honestly surprised and frowned slightly. "Where were you then?" He sensed there was something more, something major which the other would reveal now.
"I had an appointment." Kyo turned his head away, swallowing hard before going on. "With a doctor."
Instantly, Kaoru was on guard and he couldn't hide the worry in his voice when he asked further. "A doctor? Kyo, what's wrong?"
The small man seemed to shrink a bit even, looking so small and fragile like he had never looked before. "I'm dying."
"What?" The guitarist slid off the table and instinctively grabbed his hand, kneeling in front of him. "No, you're not dying." He couldn't believe what he had just heard, his brains racing with thoughts, emotions and above all, fear.
"But I am." The other nodded, a few stray tears forcing their way past his eyelids. He had been able to hold them back while he'd been alone, but now the barriers slowly broke. "It's cancer, and it's inoperable."
Shocked, turning pale as a sheet, Kaoru sat down on the couch beside him, pulling him into his arms. "Cancer? This can't be! Since when do you know and why didn't you tell me?" He didn't mean to make Kyo feel even worse, but he was so confused, overridden by the magnitude of the information.
"I just found out today." Kyo clutched the other's shirt tightly, his crying becoming worse. "I don't want to die." His voice sounded odd, and somehow he still felt like he wasn't even in his own body any longer, looking down on his own misery from somewhere up above.
"You're not going to die." The lead-guitarist shook his head stubbornly. "I won't allow that to happen." Shifting a bit, he pulled the small vocalist on his lap, holding him securely.
Somewhere deep inside, he knew that it wasn't clever to say those words, but he just couldn't help it. He couldn't. At a moment's notice, his whole life had made an unexpected turn and there was no thinking about leaving Kyo now. He would be there for him, as much as he had been there for him through the whole time of their relationship. There was no question about it.
"Tomorrow, we go to the hospital, ask for the best doctors and see what we can do. But you don't have to lose your faith. You will make it, no matter what."
The small blonde was shaking frantically, holding on to the other man as if it was the only thing that could save his life. "You'll help me, right?" He whispered between ragged breaths, wanting to make sure he didn't have to go through this all alone.
"Of course. I'll be there." Kaoru nodded, squeezing the other man tightly. Gone where all the thoughts of leaving him, gone even the awkwardness that had been standing between them all the time. All that mattered now was to find a way to fight the disease together. He knew that the other would need him as his anchor of hope.
Somehow finding comfort in the older man, Kyo just held on to him, not saying anything further. It took a long while before his breathing had steadied, and slowly he managed to fall asleep in the warm embrace.
When he was certain that Kyo wouldn't wake up anymore, Kaoru carefully put him down to rest on the couch and spread a blanket over him. Thoughts were racing in his head and he tried to sort them, tried to think of what to do first. Die! He had to call Die. So he quickly took the phone and went into his working room, dialling the redhead's number.
Die picked up the phone almost immediately. He had been trying to sleep, but the thoughts of the evening had kept him awake. And he answered to the call with a smile on his lips, as he was simply glad to hear from the other guitarist. "Hey Kao."
"Die. Something happened." Kaoru exhaled deeply and although the other's voice made his stomach twitch pleasantly, he suppressed the feeling.
"Happened?" Instantly the redhead's voice changed, and he sat up on the bed instinctively, the other’s tone alone telling him something was amiss. "You alright?"
"I am fine. It's Kyo I'm worried about." With a trembling voice, the older guitarist explained what the vocalist had told him. Again, he felt a lump rise in his throat, threatening to suffocate him, and a few stray tears were running down his cheeks. "I don't want him to die," he whispered after he had ended.
"Oh god." Die felt a lump in his throat as well, as the vocalist was one of his best friends. And the thing that was on top of his mind at that moment was how they could help him, make him get better. "He will make it, believe me. We get him the best doctors and he will walk through it."
Although Die couldn't see it, Kaoru nodded. "Y-yeah." He swallowed a couple of times, trying to find back to his usual secure self. "Could you please tell the others? I will call the management. They have to cancel the tour and there will be no album. Furthermore, there'll be a press conference, I guess." After a short pause, he whispered. "We have to be there for him. All of us."
"I know we do. And we will be there for him. I'll call the others, and just tell me what I can do to help." Die felt like crying all of a sudden, both because the life of his friend was in danger, and because he just saw his own dreams go down the drain as well. "I'll do whatever I can."
The other man felt equally bad, maybe even worse. "I can't tell him now. I just can't," he whispered pleadingly, hoping the redhead would understand.
"I know." The rhythm guitarist tried to make his voice sound steady, praying the other wouldn't notice he was practically crying. "And you don't have to. Let's see how this develops, maybe he'll get better quickly."
"I hope so. For him." Although Kaoru meant it, he didn't even convince himself. He was torn between his want to be with the redheaded guitarist and the deep feeling of responsibility for Kyo.
The tears, which had been ceasing already, returned with full force after he had hung up the phone. He sank to the floor, hugging his knees tightly to his chest and cried. He cried for his friend, fearing the worst, cried for the band, for their dreams and for his own private life which had to step back now, had become completely irrelevant.
Die kept on staring at the phone for a few moments, just trying to calm himself down. It wouldn't be good if he was crying when he called their other bandmembers. And he knew he should call right away, although it was late and they might be sleeping. They two would kill him for not telling this kind of thing immediately. So after he had steadied his breath enough, he collected himself, making the two phonecalls.
It took some time until Kaoru was steady enough to call their manager. It was a very unpleasant conversation, but he promised to seek for the best doctors there were. After more than two hours, the lead-guitarist was done with duty and felt empty. Still, all his thoughts were circling around Kyo and he went back into the living-room, sitting down in front of the couch and taking the sleeping's hand into his.
The next day was hard for all of them. Die met Shinya and Toshiya and told them everything he knew about the vocalist's condition, which wasn't much. He had talked to the lead guitarist again in the morning, which again had made him cry. And now he desperately tried to cover the traces of tears before seeing his friends.
Kaoru had taken Kyo to see a doctor on his side, trying to organize the best treatment possible. Waiting was something Kaoru had learned to endure, during photoshoots, TV appearances, before lives, in the record studio, but waiting for a doctor to tell him the chances for his friend drove him nuts.
Kyo had been examined again all day, had suffered various tests, had been shoved into into the tube, gotten x-rays and whatelse, but the result naturally hadn't been told yet.
Kaoru had no idea for how long he had been sitting on the small plastic chair in the hall, waiting, and he didn't care. He was praying for a miracle to happen and even forgot smoking. It wasn't that he didn't have an appetite for a cigarette, it was more that he feared he could miss the doctor who wanted to give him the first results.
The vocalist felt mostly numb, just allowing people to drag him from one place to another and do what they wanted to do. Test after test was done, and it felt like it was never going to end. But finally they told him they were finished and then all he was able to do was to wait as well.
When they brought Kyo into one of the rooms, Kaoru followed, holding his hand all the time. He was shocked how pale and weak the other seemed, how vulnerable he was. The sterile white in the room was blinding, cold and made everything surreal. Kyo's blond hair appeared yellow against the sheets under which he was buried, looking like a lost little boy.
The doctors didn't give much hope, but they said they would do everything possible, and therefore the vocalist would have to be put through some very heavy treatments. For him, time stopped mattering as every moment was much like the previous one. The others were there too, all the time at least one of them, trying to help as best they could.
****
Days were passing and Kyo only seemed to get weaker and weaker. He wasn't able to get up without help anymore and whenever one of them took him out in the park for some fresh air and some sunlight, they needed to use a wheelchair. Even Toshiya, who had tried his best to remain cheery, to steady the vocalist by acting as casual around him as possible, merrily telling funny stories, had become melancholy.
It was impossible to keep on hoping with what the doctors had told them. It looked worse than bad and they didn't give Kyo a good chance to survive. Still, Kaoru was hoping for a miracle, spending almost every single minute at the vocalist's side. Only when one of the others was there, he went home, took a shower and tried to get some sleep.
He had no idea how long he could keep up his strong facade, how long he could go on like this. Along with the passing time, the desire for somebody who stood by him, who would give him back some of the strength he had given Kyo, somebody who would soothe him and just be there, the desire for Die, grew stronger.
It was hard on Die as well, as everything just seemed to be going wrong. He had decided that he would put his own personal feelings aside and that he would just be there for his friends to help them live through this. But one can't just switch feelings off like that and often he caught himself just imagining how it would be if he finally got to hold the other guitarist in his arms like he had already allowed himself to hope.
He spent a lot of time with Kyo, both because he had always been a close friend with the vocalist, and because he saw how much Kaoru needed sleep, needed some moments to rest. And soon they all looked more or less like zombies, Kyo's sickness making it hard for all of them. Kyo himself felt mostly numb still, too tired due to the hard treatments to do much of anything. But it mattered to him to have the others near, to have company and not to be alone. He was thankful for all his friends, especially for his lover who staid by his side.
If the other's didn't force him to go home, Kaoru would've even slept in the hospital. A tight ring of steel seemed to close around his heart whenever he was looking at the vocalist and the utter helplessness he felt then brought him at the verge of a nervous breakdown. So far, he hadn't dared to exchange more than a few friendly words with Die, a sad, longing, glance maybe, always anxious never to get too close to him.
At one point Die couldn't even look at the older guitarist, without coming close to breaking down. It was beginning to be harder and harder to just wait for the other, to wait for the situation to change. Especially since there had been nothing, no words, no touches, nothing that would've even confirmed that the other man still wanted him after all, and didn't just intend to stay with the vocalist. Still, he came to the hospital every day, tried to spend time with Kyo, tried to just live through this somehow.
For Kyo it was getting tougher all the time as the bad days were becoming much more frequent than the good ones. Sometimes, he even had the strength to joke and maybe talk to them, but usually he was just staring out of the window, hoping the pain would go away. Often, he only slept with one of his friends sitting by his side. They were always glad when Kyo managed to drift off, because the pain was bearable then and for this short time, he was granted rest and peace.
It was one of his better days and he had even been eating some cake Kaoru had brought for him. However, it was time for the lead-guitarist to leave and just when he was about to reach for the door-handle, Die stepped inside. Their shoulders were touching briefly, their gazes met and to Kaoru it felt like the world had stopped for a split-second and then was going in slow motion. Without giving it a second thought, he turned around and asked the vocalist. "Kyo, is it okay if I go and have a smoke together with Die? If we leave you alone for a moment?"
"Go on." The small man smiled tiredly. "I can survive for a moment."
Die hesitated, looking to and fro between the two, but then just nodded silently and after telling Kyo he'd be back soon he stepped out of the door after the older guitarist.
Kaoru didn't head towards the smoking room. He didn't want to see the sick people there. Instead, he led the way outside. Even though it was raining lightly, a soft breeze blowing, he enjoyed the fresh air. "I am sorry," he began quietly, not daring to look at the redhead.
"Don't be. It's all hard on you." Die averted his gaze to the ground, just concentrating on his cig. He knew that if he'd look at the other for too long, it'd tear down his all defences.
"It's not that I don't want to be with you. It's just that-" But even though Kaoru had wanted to say that it was because he had promised Kyo to stand by his side, to live through this together with him, he couldn't. Where was he in this plan? Where Die? It all seemed so unfair and only having thoughts like these caused him to feel guilty instantly.
"I know, I know." The redhead's voice broke although he tried hard not to show it. "And I understand that you need to focus on him now."
"Die, if you can't wait, then I understand." It had cost Kaoru all his willpower to get those words out and only saying them hurt his heart like the sting of a thousand needles. But he couldn't expect the other man to give up his love life, just to wait for something to happen when it wasn't even sure what would happen and when.
"But I don't want to give up." Finally Die turned to face the other, looking him in the eye. "I still hope for the best." He tried to smile a bit. And one could hear in his voice that he meant both, that he was hoping the vocalist would get better, and that he would finally gain some personal happiness as well.
A confession of love almost slipped the older guitarist, but he thought it was too early for things like that. He had always been the unconditional type of guy, no matter if it came to work, his music or love. But usually this straight forwardness scared others away and he wasn't sure how it would sound in Die's ears, now that Kyo was so sick and the situation seemed to be stuck. So he simply nodded and smiled relieved. "I was hoping you'd say this."
For a moment, it seemed as if he was going to kiss the other man, but then he just walked past him, heading back inside to say goodbye to Kyo
For a few seconds Die only stood there, forcing the tears away and trying to calm down. But he thought it'd look odd if he wouldn't come back with the other, so he just got a grip of himself and followed straight after.
Before he entered the room, Kaoru turned around again. "Could you wait a moment?" He practically pleaded the younger guitarist with his eyes not to ask for the reason. It was simple, he would kiss Kyo goodbye if he was still awake and feeling as well as he had all day and he didn't want the redhead to witness it. It would make him feel cheap, like betraying both of them at the same moment. However, he just couldn't deny Kyo something like that if he asked for it.
Die had a good guess what the other had in his mind, and it certainly didn't make him feel any better. However he just bit his lower lip slightly and nodded, leaning against the wall and casting his eyes down as Kaoru entered the room, leaving him behind.
"Hey." The lead-guitarist smiled at the small blonde once he had closed the door behind himself. He tried not to think about the look on the redhead's face, tried to dismiss it and shrug it off like he would shrug off a bad critic for one of their songs. Apparently, it wasn't this easy and still he did his best. "I just wanted to say bye. Die'll take care of you now while I take a quick nap."
"Take your time." Kyo knew as well how hard this was for the other, but he still never wanted to be left alone. "Die usually reads to me or something, so we'll have fun." His voice sounded continuously tired nowadays, and he was totally exhausted.
Quickly, Kaoru planted a chaste kiss on the small man's lips and smiled at him. "Try to sleep a bit later. You need your strength." If one looked closely, one could see the dark circles under the guitarist's eyes that were speaking about the lack of sleep and the worries that kept him away from it even when he was alone, lying in the bed he usually shared with the vocalist.
"I sleep most of the time." Kyo reminded the other, smiling a bit at him. "You sleep too. You need it."
"Don't worry about me. I will sleep. Besides," already leaving, Kaoru turned around again and smiled, "bad weeds grow tall."
"Just go now." Kyo even chuckled a bit, weakly gesturing for the other he should leave and get the much needed sleep.
Nodding, Kaoru obeyed and slipped out of the room. He closed the door behind himself again, although Die was already waiting to go in. "He's in a better mood than the past days. But he's weak. He'll sleep long, I think."
"Just go and sleep long yourself, Kao. You look like shit." Die tried to smile at the other, but failed rather miserably.
"Now if that isn't a nice compliment." The older guitarist remarked sarcastically, knowing that he looked as horrible as he felt.
"I'm sorry. But it's just the truth." The redhead averted his gaze, the fake smile stuck on his lips. He felt utterly frustrated right now, like most of the time lately. And again hot tears threatened to spill from his eyes, but he held them back with all his might.
"I'm sorry too." Without thinking, Kaoru sneaked his arms around the other's waist, burying his face in the crook of his shoulder. Instantly, he felt a bit better, Die's warmth and scent being something he had been craving for all this time.
The small gesture almost caused the barriers Die had built up to break, and he couldn't hold back a silent sob any longer. Instinctively he hugged the other a bit closer, burying his face into his hair.
Feeling the younger guitarist's body shudder caused a lump in Kaoru's throat and tears to rise behind his closed eyelids, but he bit the insides of his cheeks to suppress them. "I'm so sorry." He couldn't say more and slowly detached again, knowing that if he didn't leave now, he'd never be capable to do it.
"I know. Me too." The redhead swallowed a few times, blinking the stray tears away. He needed to be strong, for both of them.
"I better go now. Take care of yourself." The lead-guitarist had to swallow again and quickly turned his back on the other before the tears would overcome the barriers.
"You too." Die couldn't keep his voice from breaking in the end, as everything was beginning to be too much. Week after week the same suffering for everyone, the happy moments not being many and happening all too rarely.
Without replying anything, Kaoru quickly fled the scenery. Was it too much to ask for some moments of happiness, of carelessness with the one he loved? If he had learned one thing throughout the past weeks, then that his feelings for the other guitarist were even growing instead of fading.
For a moment Die only collected himself, before he considered himself ready to face his friend. He dug out one of his patent smiles, although a bit forced, and entered the room. "I'm sorry it took so long. I had to go to the bathroom."
Kyo looked at him from heavy lidded eyes, but smiled as well. He held his stomach, fighting the urge to throw up again. The treatment, the heavy medics he received, had this side effect and sometimes he couldn't stop vomiting. "It's okay. I'm not going anywhere."
"Need to puke?" The redhead asked automatically, coming closer and taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He was worried about the vomiting too, since sometimes it just didn't seem to end.
"I hope not." The small vocalist shook his head, pressing his lips tightly together. "It'll pass in a moment." Something in his expression changed as he looked at the redhead intensely. "Since how long is this going between you and Kao?" He asked bluntly.
He had sensed it for quite some time, but had refused to admit it to himself, had ignored the glances the two had exchanged. But what had just happened between them before they had left him together, had only strengthened his suspicion and he wanted the redhead to know that he knew.
Die flinched, almost jumped up from his place but forced himself to calm down. "What are you talking about?" He thought denying it might still work, as he was only acting on instinct, saying what came to his mind first.
"I'm talking about the looks you give each other and about what just happened. I know it, Die. There's no need to deny it." With a lot of effort, the small man sat up and glared at the other, angry because he was playing dumb.
"Come on Kyo. We haven't even kissed or anything." The redhead looked up. "You know he would never do that to you. And neither would I."
"But you do have feelings for him?" The vocalist relaxed a bit and now only looked curiously at the other. A bit of colour had risen to his pale cheeks which stood in crass contrast to his hollow eyes.
First Die thought about denying it, about playing it down. But somehow he felt he owed the truth to the other. "I do." He averted his gaze again.
"Since when?" Kyo had to close his eyes for a moment. It hurt to hear that his fried was after his lover, but thinking about it again, he had known for long that their relationship was slowly dying. He had feared more than once that the lead-guitarist would just come to him and tell him it was over. But now, he had something to bind Kaoru to himself, something that gave him the opportunity to make him stay and he would try his best and use it to fix their love.
"Well," Die thought back his life. "I've had this.. thing for him for what feels like forever." He confessed silently. It was love, that he was sure of, but for some reason he didn't want to use that word in front of the small vocalist.
"Then why didn't you get him before me?" Kyo asked, and although his voice was quiet and faint, one could hear the anger in it. He was just irrationally afraid that he could be left alone now, that the one he loved could just decide to go.
"I was too afraid to tell him. And he seemed to prefer you." The guitarist shrugged. He felt truly miserable with everything, and just didn't know what to say. Therefore he settled for simply answering the questions.
"And now that I'm weak and can't do anything, you sense your chances?" The vocalist knew it wasn't as simple as that, but he couldn't help it. He needed somebody to blame, to relieve some of his fear and anger, and Die just came in handy.
"You know that's not true." There was something like anger glimmering in the redhead's eyes, along with the tears he tried to force down. Finally he looked up, straight at the other. "What kind of person do you think I am? And even if I would be the cheapest slut on earth, you know that Kaoru won't just leave you like that."
Instantly, Kyo regretted what he had said. Still, he was afraid Kaoru could do just that once. "He likes you." The words were whispered and he refused to use the term 'love' even though he had seen it in the lead-guitarist's eyes. "But he'll stay with me and I won't just give up on him. He loves me too and although we had problems lately, it's nothing that can't be fixed."
The agitation forced him to cough which ended in choking but when Die wanted to help him, he just waved his hand. "I'm fine. Thanks."
Die didn't know what to say, how to react on that. He just looked away, swallowing hard and again blinking the tears away for what felt like the thousandth time. "You know, I can't lie to you and say I don't want him. But I want you to know that I'm not going to steal him away from you. Not when you're sick and need him."
Kyo laughed cheerlessly. "So as long as I'm sick and dying, you'll keep your hands off him?!" He didn't mean to hurt Die with his words, but it just felt too good at that moment, distracted him from the fear that he would be dying. He felt it and even though nobody told him openly, he knew he wouldn't last very long anymore.
"Kyo, don't do this, please." The redhead flinched and stood up, taking a few steps away, facing the window. Actually, he saw nothing though and his shoulders were hunched. "When you're healthy and fine again, then it's his business to decide whether he wants to stay with you or not." He somehow managed to keep his voice from breaking.
"Yeah sure. But when I die, you can have him anyways. So your chances are not bad; at least fifty-fifty."
Silence fell upon them and Kyo only stared at Die's back. Finally, he released a huge sigh. "I am sorry. It's just that I-" Tears began to roll down his cheeks, muffling his voice. "I'm so afraid."
"I know." Die wanted to go to his friend and to hug him, to show him he knew it was hard. But he didn't dare, and just staid where he was, his vision blurred by the tears which had broken free. "But it's not easy on me either." He knew he wasn't the one dying, wasn't the one who was supposed to feel this bad, who had the permission to feel bad, but he did. And he felt like choking again, the long suppressed feelings causing a lump in his throat.
Something between a snort and a sigh erupted from the vocalist's throat. "I am sorry, but I just can't feel compassionate for you. And I can't let go of him; I won't." He shook his head, still crying. "You are my friend, Die. But I just can't."
"I know you won't, and I'm not asking you to." The situation was somehow unrealistic, and Die still had no clue how to react. "Just please don't blame it all on me. I want to be there for you too, and I want to help."
"I'm not blaming you." Those words were the truth, but Kyo only realized it after he had said them. "I think there is nobody to blame. But I can't help the way I feel." After swallowing hard, he closed his eyes and asked the question which's answer he feared the most. "Did he want to leave me?"
"Kyo," Die dodged the question, not wanting to answer that one. "I really am sorry." He turned to look at the other finally, not minding that he looked like shit and was still crying. "If I could change things, I would, I swear."
"No, you wouldn't." The vocalist shook his head. He was so exhausted that he could barely keep his eyes open, but still continued. "You love him and love feels good."
"But it hurts too," Die reminded, smiling wearily. "And this whole situation is just so wrong."
"It is wrong and it does hurt." Once the other man was close enough, Kyo grabbed his hand and made him sit on the bed's edge. "Please answer my question. Did he want to leave me?" He simply had to know and no matter what the answer was, he would fight for the lead-guitarist.
"Yeah." The guitarist hung his head, not knowing what else to say. Something in the other's eyes made him tell the truth, although he would've rather lied.
Kyo's heart cramped, but he tried not to show it. Instead, he looked at his friend, defiance hidden in his eyes. "I see." He was so tired that it cost him a lot of effort to even move his tongue and speak.
"Die? Will you stay? I'm so tired." He didn't only mean his current state, he also meant that he was tired of fighting the disease, tired of being strong and enduring the doctors' every treatment.
"Of course I will. If you let me." Die managed to even smile a bit, honestly meaning it. No matter how fucked up the relationships between them all had turned, the main thing right now was that Kyo was his friend, and needed all the help and support he could get.
Kyo didn't let go of his hand, but the contact softened considerably. "Thank you." He would have wanted to say more, but was just too exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally, to even think straight. It was only a matter of seconds until he had fallen asleep, unable to withstand it any longer.
The redhead sat there for long, just looking at the sleeping man and holding his hand. He didn't even stir, and had no idea how much time had passed. "I'm sorry," he whispered, when he knew the other was fast asleep, "but I just love him."