rabenhorst | (no subject)

Title: If you're gone
Author:

fonulyn
Rating: PG
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Song: If You’re Gone by Matchbox 20
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments: Written for a challenge in

diru_nandemo.

seinen_no: Hmm, I am so iffy about this. Really, the lyrics came really hard on me (us) and the more we thought about them, the harder it became for us to create some kind of story. Maybe it was partly because we are/were working on two other stories by the way (and I'm not talking about our long, never ending one) and we were so hyper about them that it was hard to force something unhappy and depressing into our heads.

Despite that, I kinda liked the lyrics, but I really didn't like the song. So I only listened to it once and thought that the lyrics created other images about the music in my mind. Anyways, we tried something new this time!

fonulyn: We had really hard time with the song and the fic. Somehow we didn’t manage to get anything done of it and we just tried to push writing it further and avoid it as well as we were able to x) So this is short, less that 2 pages in word I think. But I hope someone likes.

If you're gone

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone

Autumn is one part of the year you either hate or love. It always makes you feel something, there's no alternative. I like autumn. Usually. But not now, because you're gone.

Facing the early darkening days isn't something I want to go through all alone. You're supposed to be here with me, so we could wrap ourselves into a warm blanket, drink a hot cup of tea and simply keep each other warm.

But now, alone and with the autumn rapidly falling, it's different. These short days, the darkness and above all the cold stormy weather doesn't make it easier to get distracted from the emptiness inside. And as if the radio knew how vulnerable and emotional I am at the moment, it only plays melancholy songs.

Why did you have to go? I know the answer to that question, but that doesn't mean I have to be content with it. And I am not. I'm angry and sad and everything but content. To be honest, I don't even know what I feel; the mix inside my head something I can't sort out.

So I keep on repeating it inwardly, try to figure out what we could have done different. Maybe we should have been honest right from the start? We should've made clear how we feel about us and decided some things differently.

There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move

The words are seeping into my mind and bring me more down than I already was. It's like a conspiracy against me, makes me hear the sad songs only, the lyrics that fit my current situation. They fit almost ridiculously well, and I would just laugh at the irony if I wasn't feeling so down already.

I'm slowly suffocating, can't enjoy having the apartment for myself, can't enjoy that no one's there to disturb me. How often did we argue about who's going first into the bathroom to get ready, about who's going to sit in our favourite armchair? Now I would gladly leave both to you. I want you to be here to disturb me, to keep me from concentrating on work when I have to, to steal the best spot on the couch right before my eyes and to munch the last chocolate cookie without sharing it.

But you're gone….

I think you're so mean – I think we should try
I think I could need – this in my life
I think I'm just scared – I think too much

I can't help but to partly blame myself for this situation. Maybe I made things too hard for you, pushed you too far until you felt trapped, your back against the wall. Still, it was you who took the final decision that we should keep what we had a secret and not to tell anyone how we felt for each other.

Although I would've just wanted to kick it and tell the world the truth, I was too scared to do it, too scared to decide something of that magnitude on my own. What if you hated me for it, what if it would've led to sorrows and arguing? So I had to give up on that, thinking it wasn't worth the risk even though it would've been what I needed to give me some peace of mind.

I wanted to be honest with the world, especially about things that mean so much to me. Especially about us. Still, another thing I know is that you are all I really need, that being with you is the main thing in my life. So if that's what it takes, I would go on hiding until forever, would stop urging you. If that's what it takes to make you stay.

If you're gone – baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

You have to come home and stay. I need you. More than I thought I would. You're a vital part of my life and only now that you're gone, I realize it. Something of me is missing. You took it with you and now I'm not whole anymore. They say you don't know how much you need something before it's taken away from you, and now I know it's true. I never appreciated you enough and took you for granted, because you were always there right beside me. But now I know and I would give you the appreciation you deserve.

I'm too lost in thoughts to even notice the key turn in the lock and the door creak open silently. Only when quiet footsteps approach me, I raise my gaze to meet the pair of eyes I've been longing to see for so long.

And I know I won't ever let you go again.