rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 08:48 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 08:48 pm
Entry tags:
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Title: Complications [1/2]
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: PG13
Pairing: DiexKaoru [includes a small amount of DiexOFC and KaoruxOFC]
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the persons mentioned in this nor have any connections with them. I do not get any money from this, and it's written solely for entertainment purposes meaning no harm.
Comments: Well, this is the first part of a two chapter story^^ I kinda like it myself, and therefore it’s hard to say anything clever about it here really! Just read it and tell me what you think^^
Complications
Die’s pov
Do you know the feeling when everything simply seems to get out of your hands, and that you’re just living a routine every day, without even thinking about it? About four years ago I was living in that kind of situation. We, the band, had a longer period during which we didn’t play any lives, only concentrated on making new songs and trying to get a new album together.
We had unusually much free time though, and Toshiya used to say it was because married men always get softer. Kaoru had indeed gotten married only some time ago, and he was clearly giving us some more free time right now. I had no problems with it, since it gave me the time to work on some unfinished songs and try to attend my own relationship as well. It was rare that a girl had the patience to stand by me for longer than a few weeks, and I was really determined to keep what Maiko and I had alive.
Kaoru and I had been best friends for longer time now. At first it didn’t start out that well, seeing that for the first year we knew each other we practically hated each other’s guts. He thought I was just an idiot who drank too much and laughed too loud, while I thought he was a perfectionist who never knew how to have fun and only wanted to kill the other bandmembers with work. It changed though, as we found out we had a lot in common and slowly it led to us spending all our free time together.
So when I started my relationship with Maiko, who turned out to be Yukiko’s, Kaoru’s girlfriend’s best friend, everything seemed just perfect, right? The best friends with girlfriends who were best friends as well. Big happy family gatherings together and all that shit. Double dates, hanging out together, eventually settling down in the houses next to each other and growing two happy families where the kids would be each other’s best friends as well. Nothing could be better.
There was just one flaw in the plan. I was completely, hopelessly in love with Kaoru.
**********
As both, Kaoru and I, seemed to have steadied our relationships with our girlfriends, things really seemed to be flowing towards the scenario I had pictured in my head. Every single Friday Maiko and I received a friendly invitation from Kaoru and Yukiko, to come visit them and have some dinner together. Things always followed the same pattern there. First, we got there the late afternoon, the women immediately retreating to cook the dinner while Kaoru and I spent some time together, talking or watching tv or something.
After a while we set the table, and soon the women appeared again from the kitchen with the anticipated food. We ate, chatting idly with each other, smiling and having fun, drinking some wine. After the dinner Yukiko took the plates to the kitchen, Maiko following her to help her clean up. We always offered to help, and they always declined. Once when I asked Maiko about it she only said something vague, like that ‘the girls need some time together’. So I assumed they were just gossiping or talking about Kaoru and me. It didn’t matter that much, since I was only glad I got to spend some time together with him, since Kaoru and I always went to their balcony, smoked a few cigarettes and talked with each other.
I actually grew to like our Friday evenings a lot, as this was the way I got to spend hours with Kaoru alone, just enjoying his company. I actually thought I could be happy for the rest of my life like this, visiting him regularly as long as I got to share some private moments alone with him. I think he enjoyed those times as much as I did. It didn’t even change when Kaoru and Yukiko got married, everything just went on normally.
One Friday night, completely ordinary day at that, things suddenly changed. We had dinner like always, we chatted normally and everything was just like it had been for every single of our meetings. But then something happened, and it turned out not to be an ordinary day at all.
When we reached the point where normally Kaoru and I retreated to their small balcony to smoke a cigarette, while Maiko and Yukiko would clean up and wash the dishes, it didn’t go as I had assumed it would.
This time when the dinner had ended, Yukiko made no move to get up from the table, she only smiled nervously and glanced at her husband over and over again. I tried to look at Maiko questioningly, but I was only confronted with equally puzzled look as my own since she had no idea what was happening. I had almost decided to break the silence and ask, when Kaoru suddenly looked up from his plate.
“We’ve got something to tell you.” He nodded towards the woman by his side, softly touching her shoulder. She looked up, smiling a bit wider as she noticed both Maiko and I were just looking questioningly at them. This reminded me of the night when they told us they were getting married, but although I tried hard to rummage through my brains for what this would be about, I had no clue.
“You’re the first ones we tell about this, so please, keep it to yourself.” Yukiko’s voice was even normally quite high-pitched, I had often thought how Kaoru could stand listening to her with that kind of voice, and now her nervousness made her voice rise even higher. Maiko instantly smiled at her, convincing her that we wouldn’t tell the big secret to anyone. I smiled and nodded, showing I thought the same. And then it hit us.
“We’re going to have a child.”
I can honestly tell you my world blackened at those words. I panicked, and quickly stood up only to sit again. My eyes were wide, and I was panicking even more as I felt everyone’s eyes on me. This simply couldn’t be happening. Maybe I had managed to convince myself that this was the life I could be happy with, being best friends with Kaoru while our wives would be the best friends. But now that things really seemed to form out that way, all I could do was panic.
Somehow I managed to force a smile to my lips, swallowing hard before my voice was steady enough. “That’s great. I mean, congratulations.” I realized that I would need to explain my reaction, seeing that I had reacted quite oddly and they were all still staring at me. “I’m sorry, I just, I guess I was a bit surprised.”
I guess it did the trick, as I received three smiles before Maiko turned to ask more details from Yukiko. They both soon disappeared to the kitchen, talking and smiling, both equally enthusiastic. When I was left alone with Kaoru, he immediately stood up, heading to the balcony for a cig. I followed, mostly out of an old habit, mechanically repeating old patterns.
As soon as the door closed behind us, he offered me a cigarette, taking one himself as well. There we stood, staring into the city lights and the dark sky, smoking in silence. I knew he would sooner or later ask me about my reaction, although I hoped he wouldn’t. I wasn’t so fortunate though, and after a while he turned to look at me.
“Is it a bad thing for us, me and Yukiko, to become parents?” He looked mildly puzzled, and I tried to smile at him to let him know I was honestly sorry. I wished I could’ve just turned back time and react more maturely. Or even better, turn back time and make sure Kaoru would never even get together with Yukiko. I could’ve fought for him. But now it was too late.
So I tried my most convincing tone and most friendly smile. “No, Kao, I don’t know what went into me. I was honestly only surprised.” It wasn’t even a complete lie, since I hadn’t known it’d affect me this much to hear that my best friend was going to become a daddy.
I got away that night, as he didn’t ask me further details. We talked long into night, about our lives, our dreams, everything and nothing. Again I was reminded of what I loved in him the most, that we could simply spend time together like that, understanding each other completely. It was more than friendship that I was sure of. He simply held the missing part of my soul in his hands.
They say that it’s too late to regret later, and we should always take the chance when we’re given one. You never know if you can have a second chance, so you should make the most out of the first one. That was my mistake. I was too scared to admit my feelings for Kaoru in time, and I waited for so long that admitting it became impossible. It didn’t really matter he got a girlfriend, it didn’t even matter when he got married, but having a child with someone was something so major it would change everything completely.
So all I had left were my memories, the childish hopes I had cherished for all these years. That wasn’t much though, seeing that the memories of other than friendship only were a few. Only one memory to be exact. Only one kiss.
**********
We were at Toshiya’s place, all the five of us. It was something like celebrating the new album, and we had been drinking the whole evening, laughing and talking nonsense together. At one point I found myself on the balcony with Kaoru, both smoking while the others were probably somewhere buying something to drink as we’d run out of practically everything.
He brushed a pink strand away from his face, and I remember thinking how absolutely enchanting the gesture was. Yes, his hair was pink back then, and mine was so much longer than now. I had known for long that I had some kind of crush on him, and the fact that I was drunk didn’t make hiding it any easier.
We were both drunk, sober enough to stand on our own but drunk enough that we were babbling a bit incoherently and it was difficult to walk straight. I don’t remember much, not a word we talked then. I only remember how he suddenly leaned closer and pressed his warm lips on mine, initiating a tender kiss. It was only lips on lips at first, as chaste as a kiss can be, but still it made me irrationally happy.
It didn’t take long before he moved in to deepen the contact, gently forcing me to part my lips and the kiss evolved into something hungry, something we both needed equally much. The next thing I knew was that we hastily pulled away from each other as Toshiya jumped through the door, waving a bottle of scotch and laughing merrily.
After that nothing really worth mentioning happened, besides the slightly weird glances Kaoru and I exchanged with each other. We never talked about that afterwards, and I assumed he had been too drunk to remember it. I hadn’t been though, and I still had dreams about that moment years later.
Two years passed, we both cut our hair and re-dyed them. He found Yukiko and shortly after that I began my relationship with Maiko. Now things had been the same for about a year, the only thing breaking the daily pattern of things being Kaoru and Yukiko’s wedding. Everyone thought they rushed with the decision, but if it was what they wanted, then I think there’s no use in listening to other people’s opinions.
**********
In the evening I still hadn’t made friends with the thought that Kaoru would become a father. I guess that thought really made me realize I wanted him, and that I would never stand a chance. He would never look at me that way. I couldn’t sleep, and it seemed that Maiko couldn’t sleep either. She shifted closer to me, resting her head on my chest as she broke the silence that dwelled upon us.
“Have you ever thought about having children?” She sounded insecure, and I couldn’t help that the nervousness affected me too. I shifted slightly uncomfortably, thinking for a moment before I said anything. I liked children, that’s true, but I never really thought about getting one of my own. The more I thought of it, the more it started to make me feel uncomfortable.
“Not really.” I hoped she’d drop the subject, but it seemed I wasn’t that lucky. I really didn’t want to think about the whole matter, since it simply made me feel uncomfortable. Children would really bind me to their mother, Maiko in this case, and it would bring this huge responsibility. I really couldn’t make that kind of commitment.
I had thought I could live with the thought that Kaoru really was married and was going to have a family, and I had thought I’d be able to become happy with Maiko. But now I felt like this whole thing was crushing me, and I couldn’t even breathe anymore. I didn’t want to have children, for then we would have to stay together and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share my eternity with Maiko. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make her share hers with me.
“So do you want to have children? You’re good with kids.” I had to land back from my thoughts as she spoke again. I couldn’t lie to her, so I decided I’d only tell the truth, straight and bluntly. “I don’t think so. I don’t think I ever want kids.”
She fell silent after a short and disappointed “Oh.” I wanted to say something to make her feel better, but I couldn’t make myself to do it. I just couldn’t. She shifted further from me, and we didn’t say even a word before drifting off to sleep. We never discussed about it after that.
**********
I’ll never forget the day Maiko and I finally faced the truth. I had been thinking about our relationship a lot after she asked me about the children, I couldn’t stop just analyzing every tiny bit of the way I felt. I needed to find some sort of solution for the whole situation, for my own sake and for Maiko’s sake too. In the end, when I was finally sure what I had to do, the hardest thing was to collect the courage I needed to talk to her about it.
I had realized that I couldn’t go on like this anymore. Not because there would’ve been something wrong with Maiko, for believe me, she is as perfect as a woman can get, even with all her flaws and annoying habits. I still have no choice but to respect her for her character, for her strength and this amazing attitude of hers that will eventually make everything turn out well for her. Still, that was one reason why I decided I needed to break up with her, she deserved something better. She deserved a guy who only sees her. Obviously I couldn’t be the one.
Other reasons that made me decide it was time to end this relationship were purely selfish ones. I couldn’t go on living with someone while I was constantly thinking of another. It didn’t matter that I would probably be left alone in the end, seeing that Kaoru had Yukiko and they were even having a child together. I was just tired of keeping up this façade, and now I could at least dwell in my misery alone, without the danger that I manage to ruin other people’s lives or anything like that.
Maiko had come home early that day, so she was already sitting on the couch when I walked in. Immediately she turned to face me, smiling warmly and gesturing for me to come closer. “Hi. How was your day?” Somehow something in her expression gave me the final courage I needed to tell her the truth. It was something in the way she looked at me affectionately, and I knew I didn’t deserve it. Whatever the reason may be, I found myself stuttering the next words before I was even aware that I was speaking.
“Maiko, I think we need to talk. We can’t go on like this.” I stepped closer, sitting on the other end of the small couch, leaving only a small gap between us. The happiness faded from her eyes as he became dead serious.
“What do you mean? I thought we were happy.” Her voice was slightly nervous, and she shifted on her seat to face me better. The confusion on her face made me want to hit myself, but I needed to do this.
I smiled sadly, sighing as a short pause followed in the conversation. I didn’t know what to say, how to explain to her that there was nothing wrong with her and it was all me, all my fault for I couldn’t force myself to love her enough. “It’s not going to work.” Not the best reply imaginable, but it had to serve.
“So, you love someone else.” There was no accusation in her voice, she simply stated it like it was a well known fact. I couldn’t help but to startle slightly, for I never would’ve imagined that she’d know, let alone be so calm about it.
I think my pride forced me to stutter the next words, I didn’t want her to think I was some utter scum. “Yeah, kind of. But I haven’t cheated on you or anything, believe me.” I head to make sure she knew it.
“I know.” Maiko smiled, somehow calmly. There was this hint of sadness in her eyes, but she really seemed to be a lot calmer than I was. She spoke silently, but clearly, and I could only wait and listen when she went on. “I knew all along that there were two of us, fighting for your love in a way. I mean, fighting inside your head for you clearly didn’t know what you thought.”
After her words reached my brains I nodded slowly. It made sense, I had never been really good at hiding my emotions, at least from people that were close to me. The only thing that didn’t make sense was why she hadn’t left me if she knew. “Why did you stay then?”
“I didn’t know which one of us you loved more. Somehow I still hoped it’d been me.” She looked me in the eye, smiling honestly. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that guilty in my entire life than at that moment. Somehow I had betrayed her, and I felt I was a bad person for not loving her the way she deserved to be loved.
So I had to apologize. “I’m sorry.”
She smiled again. “It’s okay. I appreciate your honesty.” She swallowed, and for a moment I saw how hard it must’ve been for her to accept the fact that the man she had been willing to share her life with didn’t love her back. Then her calmness was back, and she turned to look me deep in the eye. “So, what will you do next? Tell him?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. I knew I’d simply do nothing now, only try to get used to living alone again. “It would be no use in telling. You know that they’re having a child and all.” Although I tried to hide my frustration, hurt even, it was pretty clearly audible in my voice.
“But what if he returns the feeling?” She rolled her eyes, just like she always did when I was being utterly stupid. She used to give me that look quite often. Kaoru did it too, during practices or when we were out drinking with the guys; just rolled his eyes and told me how much of an idiot I was being.
However I had thought this through, and therefore didn’t feel like an idiot. Maybe I was an idiot for not confessing my feelings years ago already, but I definitely was right that I couldn’t do it now. “He won’t leave a pregnant woman alone, for god’s sake!” I almost yelled, simply because I was so frustrated.
“I know.” Maiko sighed, averting her gaze and looking at the floor. She knew as well as I did, that when Kaoru felt responsible of something or someone, he did what he had to do, what was right in the situation. We sat in silence for a while, before she turned to look at me again. “I think she knows.”
“What?” I was so startled that I simply had to ask. Yukiko knew that I loved her husband more than I should? That could be bad…
Maiko nodded seriously. “I think she knows that there’s something between you and Kaoru. I mean, it’s kind of obvious that you’re the most important persons in each other’s lives.”
“We’re best friends.” Although my answer might’ve fooled someone, it didn’t even have a chance against Maiko and her knowledge. It definitely wasn’t just being best friends, at least not at my side.
She rolled her eyes at me again. “More than that. And you know it.” She searched for the right words for a moment, then went on with slightly nervous tone. “I won’t tell anyone though. You can trust me with that. But I still think you should tell him.”
“Maiko, the child…” I reminded, fully aware that she knew it as well as I did.
She smiled, and I knew the romantic side in her wanted to believe everyone got ‘the right one’ and that eventually two people who love each other would get to be happy together. “I know. But you can’t know, he might choose you over everything else.”
I couldn’t argue, although I was almost completely sure he would choose his family. Maybe a part of me just didn’t want to believe there would be no happy life together for me and Kaoru. I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, but at that moment I saw no hope for it.
As I remained silent, Maiko decided to go on after a moment. She really sounded like a mother giving advice, and I couldn’t help but to smile slightly at her. “Die, just don’t kill yourself over this, okay?”
For the first time during our talk I actually honestly smiled at her, utterly relieved since she was so calm and understanding. “I won’t. And thanks.”
She packed her belongings the next morning, and left completely after six days. I had been completely ready to leave the apartment to her, but she said she’d look for a job in another town anyway, and she would live with a friend until she got an apartment of her own. Somehow we managed to stay friends, we still are, and I’m honestly grateful for that.
**********
Title: Complications [2/2]
Comments: A second part here^^ I hope this ties up the things in a fairly good way. Heh, okay, my brains are empty from comments. Just read and comment!^^
I was completely lost for a while. Living alone had never felt so hard, but in a way it was a relief also. Kaoru and Yukiko both came to visit me after I told them Maiko had left, and neither of them could really believe why we had broken up. I couldn’t explain it to them, seeing that then I would’ve had to confess everything. That I wasn’t ready to do.
They still invited me for a dinner every now and then. With each and every dinner it came harder for me to be there, to see their perfect little family that was just waiting for the child to complete the picture. It made me jealous, as terrible as it might sound. I was terribly jealous.
Again I was there, sitting on the couch in the living room, trying to watch TV while Yukiko set the table and Kaoru had vanished to fetch the wine. I was completely lost in my thoughts so I startled when she sat beside me, addressing me in a low and calm voice. “Die, could I talk to you for a second?”
I nodded, what else was there for me to do? I couldn’t possibly tell her to get lost because I was too confused with my feelings for her husband. She stared at me for a moment, obviously trying to interpret my expression. Finally she spoke up. “I’m sorry, and this is terribly personal, but I have to ask you one thing. Did you break up with Maiko because you have someone else?”
My eyes shot open, and I guess I even panicked a bit. She wasn’t supposed to ask me questions like that. Although I have always believed in honesty, I lied to her, bluntly denying everything with a short shake of my head. “No.” I could see it in her eyes that she didn’t believe me, but just as she opened her mouth to say something the door opened and Kaoru stepped in. We both locked our gazes at him, and the moment was over when he started to explain why it had taken him so long.
During the rest of the dinner I tried to keep my distance from Kaoru, sensing that Yukiko suspected something. I didn’t want him to get into troubles because of me, for he hadn’t done anything wrong. I ignored the questioning glances he threw at me, trying to fill the role of a polite friend, nothing more. It was after the dinner when I had to face the consequences of my strange behaviour.
Yukiko went to kitchen, stubbornly refusing all help we offered, and shooed us to the small balcony they had in their apartment. Kaoru and I both lit a cigarette, and for a long moment we just stood there, staring into the distance. The city lights drowned out the stars, but I stared upwards anyways, trying to imagine the stars to the sky.
Suddenly I felt his hand on my arm, and I just turned to look at it dumbly as he began to speak. “What’s wrong?” I raised my head to meet his eyes with mine, shaking my head slightly. “Nothing.”
He rolled his eyes at me, just like I had predicted. With a frustrated sigh he looked away slightly, before turning back to me. “Don’t even try to feed me that bullshit. I know you, and it’s perfectly clear something’s wrong. Hell, every time you’re down I feel it too, so don’t you even dare to lie to me again.”
Why did his statement just sound like a declaration of love to me? I honestly was beginning to be so much in love with him that I always wanted to interpret his words in a way that would’ve meant that he cared for me as much as I cared for him. Curse my wild imagination. I must’ve just stared at him, stunned, for he knitted his eyebrows, addressing me again. “Die? Are you even listening to me?”
“Sorry.” I turned away, pulling my arm back so that his hand didn’t touch mine anymore. somehow I needed the distance to keep myself from giving in and confessing everything. “I guess I still haven’t gotten used to the thought I’m all alone now.” I decided that half of the truth would do. He wouldn’t need to know that it was him whose company I yearned for.
“Die, you’re not alone.” I could feel him standing right behind me already before he grabbed my arm and gently turned me around to face him. He smiled affectionately, and that was something I want to remember for the rest of my life. “I’m here for you.”
Oh how badly I would’ve wanted to understand that in the romantic meaning of the phrase, and throw myself into his arms right there and then. Fortunately, there was still some sense in me, so I only smiled, nodding at him. “I know. You’ll always be my best friend.”
He flinched. That I hadn’t seen coming. It seemed as if he was a bit disappointed even, and for a moment I dared to imagine that he really had meant more with his words. Slowly he nodded, leaning close to hug me shortly. “Yes.”
I would’ve wanted to be there always; in his embrace, close to him. But the moment was over all too soon, and we went back inside to his smiling wife and his perfect life I would never really be a part of.
**********
It was two weeks after that when Kaoru suddenly called me, actually Toshiya, Shinya and Kyo too, telling that the practices would be cancelled for the next week. I was a bit worried, for we were planning on releasing a new album sometime soon, and it as unlike him to just take off like that. I tried to call him, but he only said he’d talk to me when he was ready, and that Yukiko had been taken to a hospital.
Four days went by without a sign of him, but then he suddenly appeared at my doorstep, asking if he could come in and talk. Of course I let him in, making him sit on the couch and offering him a beer that he gladly accepted. We simply sat there for a moment before he spoke up, staring at the blank TV screen. “She lost the baby.” I startled, not believing the words immediately. I had no idea what to say, and at that moment I simply felt so bad for both Kaoru and Yukiko, for I could imagine losing an unborn child would be bad. I even forgot all the jealousy that usually was in me. No one deserves to go through things like this.
“I’m sorry.” There really was nothing else I could say at that moment. I put my hand on his shoulder, and he leaned slightly closer, accepting that as a sign of friendship and comfort. There was this oppressive silence between us, and I have to admit I was slightly surprised by the few tears that flowed down his cheek. He had never cried so that I would’ve seen it, and that probably meant no one had ever seen him cry. After all, we used to spend almost all of our time together some years ago.
After a moment he turned his tearstained face towards me, looking at me with so much pain in his eyes that I would’ve wanted to take it all away. “She blames me for it.” His voice was hardly above whisper, and at first I couldn’t believe my ears. She blamed Kaoru for the miscarriage? How in hell could that be his fault? “Kao, don’t tell me you believe her. How could it be your fault?”
“Too much stress.” He explained shortly, his voice breaking with the last word. More tears appeared in his eyes, and at that point I really didn’t know what to do. Silently I pulled him close, embracing him warmly and hoping the closeness would take even some of the pain away. “It’s not your fault. Don’t believe her.”
He relaxed against me, and we staid there for a long moment. I just held him and let him calm down slowly, inwardly cursing Yukiko to the depths of hell for making Kaoru feel so miserable. Although, the reasonable side in me knew she was hurting too, I just couldn’t bring myself to care enough. I don’t know how long we just staid there, but then he began to relax more, calming down slowly.
I took him to my bedroom and put him under the covers, deciding to spend the night on the couch myself, although I would’ve really wanted to join him under the blanket. He didn’t let me go though, when I tried to get back to the living room he asked me if I could stay with him for a while still. As I couldn’t deny anything from him, I nodded and seated myself beside him, again hugging him comfortingly.
As soon as he drifted off to sleep I carefully detached from him. I would’ve wanted to stay there so badly, if not anything else then I at least would’ve been able to imagine that it was simply normal for us to sleep there peacefully together. But I knew it would really be better if I didn’t stay. So I stood up and grabbed my spare blanket to head for the living room.
**********
After that night passed almost two weeks before I had the chance to talk to Kaoru again, face to face. He had been slightly embarrassed for crying so shamelessly and apologized to me in the morning. I told him it was nothing, and that he needed to get it out one day. He just smiled at me, smiled that gentle smile of his and thanked me for being there for him. What else could I have done? That’s what friends are for.
I didn’t know how things were between him and Yukiko, and I didn’t dare to ask. We talked on the phone a few times, and we saw at the practices, but we really didn’t have the time to really discuss. He looked tired, awful in fact for he seemed to be utterly exhausted both emotionally and physically. Still he managed to run the practices and tried to keep up the façade that he was doing well. Kyo asked me once what was wrong with Kaoru, and I told him he had some personal problems. He just nodded and accepted the explanation without further questions, but I bet we were all equally worried of our bandleader.
Few times I tried to make him talk to me, offered to listen to his troubles, but he just changed the subject every time. So I finally settled for just telling him to come talk to me whenever he wanted, be it in the middle of the night even, and hoped that he would someday be ready to talk to someone. A part of me hoped that he’d sort things out with his wife so that the joy would return into his eyes, but a lot bigger, selfish part of me just wanted that they’d break up.
My urging of him to speak to me seemed to get results when one night I was waken up by a hard knock on my door. For some reason my doorbell had been broken for weeks now, and I hadn’t bothered to do anything about it, and so I instantly knew it would be either Kaoru or Maiko since they were the only ones who knew about the broken doorbell. As soon as I managed to get to the door my suspicions were confirmed as I saw Kaoru standing there, leaning against the wall just behind my door.
“Want to come in?” I opened the door wider, inviting him inside. Wordlessly he nodded, and as he walked past me I smelled clearly that he had been drinking. I frowned, but as he seemed to still at least be able to walk I only shrugged and swallowed down all the possible questions. He sat down on the couch, and I took the other end of it, turning to face him.
“Something wrong?” He still hadn’t said a word, and now he again answered to my question only with a headshake. I knew he was lying though, for he still looked like something bothered him a hell lot. All I could do was to nod, for I had decided not to force him to talk to me, and we both sat there in silence for a moment.
I had directed my gaze to my carpet, just because I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable if I was staring at him. So I didn’t see when he moved closer to me, and I only noticed he was there when a hand landed on my shoulder, swiftly moving up to cup my cheek and to turn my head so that I was facing him. I only had the time to see the faint smile on his face before he leaned closer, pressing his lips on mine.
The action caused me to gasp in surprise, and before I noticed he deepened the kiss, hungrily moving his tongue past my lips while crawling closer and almost sitting on my lap. The fact that he was kissing me made my brain shut down for a few blissful moments, as I only enjoyed the moment when my dreams seemed to become true. Then, to my disappointment, my consciousness was back and I knew this wasn’t what we should be doing.
As gently as I could, but firmly at the same time, I pushed him away. The look in his eyes was something I couldn’t quite interpret, and tentatively he tried to lean into another kiss, but I held him back with my arms. “Kao, you’re drunk.” My voice faltered a bit, and I couldn’t believe I was saying this. Why didn’t I just enjoy and forget the damn reality for a moment? He shook his head, his voice as unsteady as mine. “I’m not. I know what I’m doing.”
“You’re married.” I practically whispered the words, but as he flinched it was clear he had heard me. Only now I realized that this was what I should’ve said in the first place, but then I really had only thought of the fact that he was drunk and not knowing what he was doing. Still, he was married, and I knew as well as he did that he should go back to his wife.
A brief oppressive silence landed upon us, as we simply stared each other in the eye. Then he spoke with a faint voice, but it was oddly clear in the silence. “No.” He shook his head slightly, but his eyes never left mine. “Or yes, but not for long anymore. She wants a divorce.” The words made me flinch, as I couldn’t believe my ears. They were getting a divorce?
“Why?” I was too surprised to even think straight, and all I could do was to ask why. I had somehow thought that although they lost the child they’d be able to go on and maybe have a bunch of children in the future.
He snorted and shook his head, clearly frustrated. “What does it matter? I’m not here to discuss my failed marriage with you.” It took a while before the words reached my brains, and when they did I still couldn’t do anything else but to stare at him unbelievingly. “Kao, you’re still drunk, please go to sleep and let’s talk about this in the morning.” I didn’t care that I sounded desperate, and that I was practically pleading with my eyes, for this was all a bit too much for me to handle this quickly.
“Okay.” It was clear that he wasn’t happy with the decision, but he complied, standing up from the couch. “May I stay over?” I was on my feet in a minute, guiding him to my bedroom once again. I let him lean against me, for he wasn’t exactly walking steady and straight anymore. He leaned heavily against me, and I had the feeling he was trying to be a bit more drunk than he actually even was.
As soon as I got him under the covers I wished him good night, leaving quickly to the living room, for I trusted neither him nor myself right at that moment. My thoughts were running wild, and I just hoped I could get some order in them before I had to face him again in the morning. Not knowing what to do I simply grabbed my cell phone and went to the kitchen, dialling Maiko’s number. She was the only one who knew how I felt for Kaoru, and therefore she was the first one I thought when I needed to talk.
**********
It took several moments before she answered, and I nearly ended the call before it had even begun properly. I was shaking, and my thoughts only circled around Kaoru and the kiss, I simply wasn’t able to think of anything else. So I flinched surprised when suddenly I hear a familiar voice from the other end of the line. “Hello.”
I had been so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize I didn’t answer her, before the slightly annoyed voice caught my attention. “Die, is it you? Why aren’t you saying a thing?” I snapped back to reality, shaking my head a bit to gain my consciousness. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I – I just…” I was only stuttering as my words were as unorganized as my thoughts.
“Calm down, Die, tell me what’s wrong.” She sounded honestly worried, and I tried to answer immediately to smother her worries. It wasn’t so easy though, as my thoughts kept on returning to the just experienced kiss, and the man who was sleeping in my bed right at this moment.
After swallowing a few times I got out an answer though, sighing in deep as the words left my lips. “I, well, nothing’s wrong technically.”
“Then why did you call? It’s 5 am, for gods sake.” I could tell Maiko was irritated and only trying to bite back her anger to remain polite. I didn’t know what to say, as I suddenly felt so stupid since I had called, and for a moment I thought about ending the call then and there. Finally I settled for the truth though.
“Kaoru’s here.”
Her tone changed, from irritated one to a slightly interested one. “Oh. And?”
“He kissed me.”
“He what!?” Maiko practically shrieked the question, and I could imagine her jumping up from bed and clutching onto the phone as she obviously thought she’d heard wrong.
“He kissed me.”
A short silence followed as she was trying to come up with something to say, and I was trying to gather a clear thought. She asked me where Kaoru was now, and I told her that I had forced him to sleep and now I was alone in the kitchen and trying to calm down.
I shortly told her about the miscarriage, and how Yukiko apparently blamed Kaoru for everything, and how Kaoru had been acting slightly strange for long already, basically everything I knew. “And now he said they’re getting a divorce, but I don’t know anything else.” I ended my little speech, waiting for some kind of guidance from her.
After yet another short silence she sighed, obviously at the loss of words. “Sounds like he’s as confused as you are.”
“Yeah. So, what should I do?” I didn’t expect any bright advices from her, I just needed someone to talk to. Usually it would’ve been Kaoru, but seeing that now he was the one I needed to talk about, it was out of the question.
Maiko still sounded puzzled, and the answer came with a soft sigh. “I don’t know. I guess you should try to get some sleep and then in the morning try to talk with him.”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” Lost in my thoughts I nodded, closing my eyes and trying to calm my running thoughts, to force the memory of the kiss to back off. “Thanks for listening.”
She laughed softly. “Like I was of any use. Think positively, Die, this could be good. You know you love him, maybe he cares for you too.”
“Yeah. I’m just too confused right now.” I laughed cheerlessly. “But we’ll see in the morning. Sorry I disturbed you.”
“It’s nothing. You know you can call me when you need someone to listen to your senseless babbling.”
“Thanks again. Good night.”
“Good night.”
**********
I didn’t sleep much during the following night, my thoughts all too messed up to grant me peaceful sleep. I didn’t know whether I had slept at all, but at least I was awake when in the morning Kaoru came out from my bedroom, moving quietly not to wake me in case I was still asleep. I sat up on the couch though, offering him a tired smile. “Slept well?”
He smiled, clearly embarrassed and that alone told me he remembered everything that had happened between us the last night. “I guess so. At least I’m not drunk anymore.” He sat down on the edge of the chair that was right beside the couch. For a moment we only looked each other in the eye, some undefined tension lingering in the air between us.
Finally I couldn’t take the silence anymore. “Want something to eat?” I knew the answer though. For as long as I’d known him he had never been one to eat breakfast. He might take a cup of coffee to wake up, but otherwise he always ate earliest around noon. So I wasn’t really surprised about his answer.
“No, thanks.” Kaoru smiled again, but there still was clear insecurity in the smile. It was written all over his face, and there was no way to miss he was nervous, although normally he was really good in hiding his emotions when he wanted to. “We need to talk.”
I couldn’t help but to flinch, although I had seen that coming. Of course he would want to talk. There’s no way one can kiss his best friend and not talk about it afterwards. I didn’t want to go through this conversation though. I shook my head, sighing. “Kao, I know you were drunk and we can just forget what happened. It’s okay.” I could only hope he would leave it at that.
He didn’t though. For a moment he only looked at me, with an expression I couldn’t interpret. Slowly he got up, taking the few steps to the window and looking outside. “I really wanted to kiss you.” He didn’t look at me, but I could hear the honesty in his voice. I knew him for so many years, and I could tell when he was being serious and when he simply made fun of me. And this was definitely being serious.
“Oh…” Clever me. I really should work on my replies. I was confused, not knowing what to make of the statement. He had wanted to kiss me because he was in need of a kiss and I happened to be there? Or had it been that he had come here to find me since he wanted to kiss me? “But why? I mean, don’t tell me. I don’t want to hear it.” I had changed my mind as soon as the question had left my lips. I wanted to at least have the opportunity to imagine he had kissed me because he wanted to kiss me, not anyone else.
He turned his head a bit to look at me, clearly irritated by now. He frowned, and I could see the tension in his shoulders. “Die, listen to me. I wanted to kiss you. And I would do it again, without hesitation. The question is, do you want me to?”
Do I want him to? That was the most idiotic question in the long line of idiotic questions. Of course I wanted him to. But I couldn’t let him do that. He was still married, and a part of me was convinced he was just going through some marriage crisis. If it was so, I wouldn’t want to take him in only to see him going to his wife in the end. Better if he left already, before he hurts anyone of us. “You need to go back to your wife.”
This was the point where he lost his temper completely. “Goddamn it, Die! I told you we’re getting a divorce.” His fists clenched slightly as he was seemingly trying to get a hold of himself not to do anything stupid. This was all new to me, since usually Kaoru was almost perfect in hiding his frustration.
“If she only said she wants a divorce, it doesn’t mean you have to stop and give in without a fight. Don’t you think your marriage is worth saving then? At least talk to her!” I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out from my mouth. I was standing there, telling him to go and save his marriage. The same marriage I had hoped to be undone so many times this far.
“Stop it, Die, stop it!” Kaoru raised his voice, his eyes flaming with something between anger and defiance. “Stop!” He closed his eyes for a moment, using it to calm down so that he was able to speak more calmly. “Why are you doing this? Why do you want me to go back to her?”
“I don’t want you to. But I’m afraid you have to.” It was as simple as that. I didn’t want him to stay with me if that wasn’t what he really wanted. And I was afraid his family still would mean too much for him.
“No, listen to me. I know her. Hell, I’m married to her so I’m supposed to know her thoroughly!” Kaoru ran his fingers through his hair, turning to face the window again. Somehow it seemed to be easier for him to talk when he wasn’t looking at me. “She isn’t the one to just say things she doesn’t mean. If she wants a divorce, she’s thought it through and there’s no doubt of what she wants. Besides,” He sighed in deep, shaking his head. “I’m not sure if I even want to fix the damn marriage.”
“What did you say?” My words were almost a whisper. He didn’t want to fix the marriage? So it meant he might want to stay with me after all, without regretting the decision the next morning and crawling back to his wife?
He looked at me, his head slightly tilted as he was technically still standing towards the window. He was even smiling faintly at me. “That I’m not sure if I want to go back. You know, crisis usually bring people closer to each other, but somehow when Yukiko and I were going through a hard time I couldn’t bring myself to care enough. I didn’t want to go to her when I needed comfort, and I wasn’t thinking of her when it was hard for me.”
I only looked at him silently. I didn’t want to interrupt, I only wanted to hear what he was about to say. I dared to hope for the best, but still kept myself prepared for the worst. He smiled at me still, turning and taking a few steps closer until he was standing in front of me. I could only think of how soft his voice was when he spoke again.
“Don’t you still get it? You invaded my thoughts. And I can’t get you out of my head.” I still didn’t say a thing, but didn’t step back either when he came closer. Our bodies were almost touching already. His smile hadn’t vanished, and he went on with the same soft tone of voice.
“When I said I wanted to kiss you, I really meant it. I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time now.”
This is when I smiled, the most honest and relieved smile I’d ever smiled. “Honestly, I didn’t mind.” I tilted my head, looking him deep in the eye and drowning in the depths. “You’re a good kisser.”
He chuckled, holding my gaze with his. “So, mind if I do it again?”
I didn’t even bother to answer. Slowly I circled my arms around his waist, as he brought his around my neck. The time seemed to stand still as we looked each other in the eye, our lips finally meeting in a kiss.
**********
Author:
fonulynRating: PG13
Pairing: DiexKaoru [includes a small amount of DiexOFC and KaoruxOFC]
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the persons mentioned in this nor have any connections with them. I do not get any money from this, and it's written solely for entertainment purposes meaning no harm.
Comments: Well, this is the first part of a two chapter story^^ I kinda like it myself, and therefore it’s hard to say anything clever about it here really! Just read it and tell me what you think^^
Die’s pov
Do you know the feeling when everything simply seems to get out of your hands, and that you’re just living a routine every day, without even thinking about it? About four years ago I was living in that kind of situation. We, the band, had a longer period during which we didn’t play any lives, only concentrated on making new songs and trying to get a new album together.
We had unusually much free time though, and Toshiya used to say it was because married men always get softer. Kaoru had indeed gotten married only some time ago, and he was clearly giving us some more free time right now. I had no problems with it, since it gave me the time to work on some unfinished songs and try to attend my own relationship as well. It was rare that a girl had the patience to stand by me for longer than a few weeks, and I was really determined to keep what Maiko and I had alive.
Kaoru and I had been best friends for longer time now. At first it didn’t start out that well, seeing that for the first year we knew each other we practically hated each other’s guts. He thought I was just an idiot who drank too much and laughed too loud, while I thought he was a perfectionist who never knew how to have fun and only wanted to kill the other bandmembers with work. It changed though, as we found out we had a lot in common and slowly it led to us spending all our free time together.
So when I started my relationship with Maiko, who turned out to be Yukiko’s, Kaoru’s girlfriend’s best friend, everything seemed just perfect, right? The best friends with girlfriends who were best friends as well. Big happy family gatherings together and all that shit. Double dates, hanging out together, eventually settling down in the houses next to each other and growing two happy families where the kids would be each other’s best friends as well. Nothing could be better.
There was just one flaw in the plan. I was completely, hopelessly in love with Kaoru.
As both, Kaoru and I, seemed to have steadied our relationships with our girlfriends, things really seemed to be flowing towards the scenario I had pictured in my head. Every single Friday Maiko and I received a friendly invitation from Kaoru and Yukiko, to come visit them and have some dinner together. Things always followed the same pattern there. First, we got there the late afternoon, the women immediately retreating to cook the dinner while Kaoru and I spent some time together, talking or watching tv or something.
After a while we set the table, and soon the women appeared again from the kitchen with the anticipated food. We ate, chatting idly with each other, smiling and having fun, drinking some wine. After the dinner Yukiko took the plates to the kitchen, Maiko following her to help her clean up. We always offered to help, and they always declined. Once when I asked Maiko about it she only said something vague, like that ‘the girls need some time together’. So I assumed they were just gossiping or talking about Kaoru and me. It didn’t matter that much, since I was only glad I got to spend some time together with him, since Kaoru and I always went to their balcony, smoked a few cigarettes and talked with each other.
I actually grew to like our Friday evenings a lot, as this was the way I got to spend hours with Kaoru alone, just enjoying his company. I actually thought I could be happy for the rest of my life like this, visiting him regularly as long as I got to share some private moments alone with him. I think he enjoyed those times as much as I did. It didn’t even change when Kaoru and Yukiko got married, everything just went on normally.
One Friday night, completely ordinary day at that, things suddenly changed. We had dinner like always, we chatted normally and everything was just like it had been for every single of our meetings. But then something happened, and it turned out not to be an ordinary day at all.
When we reached the point where normally Kaoru and I retreated to their small balcony to smoke a cigarette, while Maiko and Yukiko would clean up and wash the dishes, it didn’t go as I had assumed it would.
This time when the dinner had ended, Yukiko made no move to get up from the table, she only smiled nervously and glanced at her husband over and over again. I tried to look at Maiko questioningly, but I was only confronted with equally puzzled look as my own since she had no idea what was happening. I had almost decided to break the silence and ask, when Kaoru suddenly looked up from his plate.
“We’ve got something to tell you.” He nodded towards the woman by his side, softly touching her shoulder. She looked up, smiling a bit wider as she noticed both Maiko and I were just looking questioningly at them. This reminded me of the night when they told us they were getting married, but although I tried hard to rummage through my brains for what this would be about, I had no clue.
“You’re the first ones we tell about this, so please, keep it to yourself.” Yukiko’s voice was even normally quite high-pitched, I had often thought how Kaoru could stand listening to her with that kind of voice, and now her nervousness made her voice rise even higher. Maiko instantly smiled at her, convincing her that we wouldn’t tell the big secret to anyone. I smiled and nodded, showing I thought the same. And then it hit us.
“We’re going to have a child.”
I can honestly tell you my world blackened at those words. I panicked, and quickly stood up only to sit again. My eyes were wide, and I was panicking even more as I felt everyone’s eyes on me. This simply couldn’t be happening. Maybe I had managed to convince myself that this was the life I could be happy with, being best friends with Kaoru while our wives would be the best friends. But now that things really seemed to form out that way, all I could do was panic.
Somehow I managed to force a smile to my lips, swallowing hard before my voice was steady enough. “That’s great. I mean, congratulations.” I realized that I would need to explain my reaction, seeing that I had reacted quite oddly and they were all still staring at me. “I’m sorry, I just, I guess I was a bit surprised.”
I guess it did the trick, as I received three smiles before Maiko turned to ask more details from Yukiko. They both soon disappeared to the kitchen, talking and smiling, both equally enthusiastic. When I was left alone with Kaoru, he immediately stood up, heading to the balcony for a cig. I followed, mostly out of an old habit, mechanically repeating old patterns.
As soon as the door closed behind us, he offered me a cigarette, taking one himself as well. There we stood, staring into the city lights and the dark sky, smoking in silence. I knew he would sooner or later ask me about my reaction, although I hoped he wouldn’t. I wasn’t so fortunate though, and after a while he turned to look at me.
“Is it a bad thing for us, me and Yukiko, to become parents?” He looked mildly puzzled, and I tried to smile at him to let him know I was honestly sorry. I wished I could’ve just turned back time and react more maturely. Or even better, turn back time and make sure Kaoru would never even get together with Yukiko. I could’ve fought for him. But now it was too late.
So I tried my most convincing tone and most friendly smile. “No, Kao, I don’t know what went into me. I was honestly only surprised.” It wasn’t even a complete lie, since I hadn’t known it’d affect me this much to hear that my best friend was going to become a daddy.
I got away that night, as he didn’t ask me further details. We talked long into night, about our lives, our dreams, everything and nothing. Again I was reminded of what I loved in him the most, that we could simply spend time together like that, understanding each other completely. It was more than friendship that I was sure of. He simply held the missing part of my soul in his hands.
They say that it’s too late to regret later, and we should always take the chance when we’re given one. You never know if you can have a second chance, so you should make the most out of the first one. That was my mistake. I was too scared to admit my feelings for Kaoru in time, and I waited for so long that admitting it became impossible. It didn’t really matter he got a girlfriend, it didn’t even matter when he got married, but having a child with someone was something so major it would change everything completely.
So all I had left were my memories, the childish hopes I had cherished for all these years. That wasn’t much though, seeing that the memories of other than friendship only were a few. Only one memory to be exact. Only one kiss.
We were at Toshiya’s place, all the five of us. It was something like celebrating the new album, and we had been drinking the whole evening, laughing and talking nonsense together. At one point I found myself on the balcony with Kaoru, both smoking while the others were probably somewhere buying something to drink as we’d run out of practically everything.
He brushed a pink strand away from his face, and I remember thinking how absolutely enchanting the gesture was. Yes, his hair was pink back then, and mine was so much longer than now. I had known for long that I had some kind of crush on him, and the fact that I was drunk didn’t make hiding it any easier.
We were both drunk, sober enough to stand on our own but drunk enough that we were babbling a bit incoherently and it was difficult to walk straight. I don’t remember much, not a word we talked then. I only remember how he suddenly leaned closer and pressed his warm lips on mine, initiating a tender kiss. It was only lips on lips at first, as chaste as a kiss can be, but still it made me irrationally happy.
It didn’t take long before he moved in to deepen the contact, gently forcing me to part my lips and the kiss evolved into something hungry, something we both needed equally much. The next thing I knew was that we hastily pulled away from each other as Toshiya jumped through the door, waving a bottle of scotch and laughing merrily.
After that nothing really worth mentioning happened, besides the slightly weird glances Kaoru and I exchanged with each other. We never talked about that afterwards, and I assumed he had been too drunk to remember it. I hadn’t been though, and I still had dreams about that moment years later.
Two years passed, we both cut our hair and re-dyed them. He found Yukiko and shortly after that I began my relationship with Maiko. Now things had been the same for about a year, the only thing breaking the daily pattern of things being Kaoru and Yukiko’s wedding. Everyone thought they rushed with the decision, but if it was what they wanted, then I think there’s no use in listening to other people’s opinions.
In the evening I still hadn’t made friends with the thought that Kaoru would become a father. I guess that thought really made me realize I wanted him, and that I would never stand a chance. He would never look at me that way. I couldn’t sleep, and it seemed that Maiko couldn’t sleep either. She shifted closer to me, resting her head on my chest as she broke the silence that dwelled upon us.
“Have you ever thought about having children?” She sounded insecure, and I couldn’t help that the nervousness affected me too. I shifted slightly uncomfortably, thinking for a moment before I said anything. I liked children, that’s true, but I never really thought about getting one of my own. The more I thought of it, the more it started to make me feel uncomfortable.
“Not really.” I hoped she’d drop the subject, but it seemed I wasn’t that lucky. I really didn’t want to think about the whole matter, since it simply made me feel uncomfortable. Children would really bind me to their mother, Maiko in this case, and it would bring this huge responsibility. I really couldn’t make that kind of commitment.
I had thought I could live with the thought that Kaoru really was married and was going to have a family, and I had thought I’d be able to become happy with Maiko. But now I felt like this whole thing was crushing me, and I couldn’t even breathe anymore. I didn’t want to have children, for then we would have to stay together and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share my eternity with Maiko. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make her share hers with me.
“So do you want to have children? You’re good with kids.” I had to land back from my thoughts as she spoke again. I couldn’t lie to her, so I decided I’d only tell the truth, straight and bluntly. “I don’t think so. I don’t think I ever want kids.”
She fell silent after a short and disappointed “Oh.” I wanted to say something to make her feel better, but I couldn’t make myself to do it. I just couldn’t. She shifted further from me, and we didn’t say even a word before drifting off to sleep. We never discussed about it after that.
I’ll never forget the day Maiko and I finally faced the truth. I had been thinking about our relationship a lot after she asked me about the children, I couldn’t stop just analyzing every tiny bit of the way I felt. I needed to find some sort of solution for the whole situation, for my own sake and for Maiko’s sake too. In the end, when I was finally sure what I had to do, the hardest thing was to collect the courage I needed to talk to her about it.
I had realized that I couldn’t go on like this anymore. Not because there would’ve been something wrong with Maiko, for believe me, she is as perfect as a woman can get, even with all her flaws and annoying habits. I still have no choice but to respect her for her character, for her strength and this amazing attitude of hers that will eventually make everything turn out well for her. Still, that was one reason why I decided I needed to break up with her, she deserved something better. She deserved a guy who only sees her. Obviously I couldn’t be the one.
Other reasons that made me decide it was time to end this relationship were purely selfish ones. I couldn’t go on living with someone while I was constantly thinking of another. It didn’t matter that I would probably be left alone in the end, seeing that Kaoru had Yukiko and they were even having a child together. I was just tired of keeping up this façade, and now I could at least dwell in my misery alone, without the danger that I manage to ruin other people’s lives or anything like that.
Maiko had come home early that day, so she was already sitting on the couch when I walked in. Immediately she turned to face me, smiling warmly and gesturing for me to come closer. “Hi. How was your day?” Somehow something in her expression gave me the final courage I needed to tell her the truth. It was something in the way she looked at me affectionately, and I knew I didn’t deserve it. Whatever the reason may be, I found myself stuttering the next words before I was even aware that I was speaking.
“Maiko, I think we need to talk. We can’t go on like this.” I stepped closer, sitting on the other end of the small couch, leaving only a small gap between us. The happiness faded from her eyes as he became dead serious.
“What do you mean? I thought we were happy.” Her voice was slightly nervous, and she shifted on her seat to face me better. The confusion on her face made me want to hit myself, but I needed to do this.
I smiled sadly, sighing as a short pause followed in the conversation. I didn’t know what to say, how to explain to her that there was nothing wrong with her and it was all me, all my fault for I couldn’t force myself to love her enough. “It’s not going to work.” Not the best reply imaginable, but it had to serve.
“So, you love someone else.” There was no accusation in her voice, she simply stated it like it was a well known fact. I couldn’t help but to startle slightly, for I never would’ve imagined that she’d know, let alone be so calm about it.
I think my pride forced me to stutter the next words, I didn’t want her to think I was some utter scum. “Yeah, kind of. But I haven’t cheated on you or anything, believe me.” I head to make sure she knew it.
“I know.” Maiko smiled, somehow calmly. There was this hint of sadness in her eyes, but she really seemed to be a lot calmer than I was. She spoke silently, but clearly, and I could only wait and listen when she went on. “I knew all along that there were two of us, fighting for your love in a way. I mean, fighting inside your head for you clearly didn’t know what you thought.”
After her words reached my brains I nodded slowly. It made sense, I had never been really good at hiding my emotions, at least from people that were close to me. The only thing that didn’t make sense was why she hadn’t left me if she knew. “Why did you stay then?”
“I didn’t know which one of us you loved more. Somehow I still hoped it’d been me.” She looked me in the eye, smiling honestly. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that guilty in my entire life than at that moment. Somehow I had betrayed her, and I felt I was a bad person for not loving her the way she deserved to be loved.
So I had to apologize. “I’m sorry.”
She smiled again. “It’s okay. I appreciate your honesty.” She swallowed, and for a moment I saw how hard it must’ve been for her to accept the fact that the man she had been willing to share her life with didn’t love her back. Then her calmness was back, and she turned to look me deep in the eye. “So, what will you do next? Tell him?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. I knew I’d simply do nothing now, only try to get used to living alone again. “It would be no use in telling. You know that they’re having a child and all.” Although I tried to hide my frustration, hurt even, it was pretty clearly audible in my voice.
“But what if he returns the feeling?” She rolled her eyes, just like she always did when I was being utterly stupid. She used to give me that look quite often. Kaoru did it too, during practices or when we were out drinking with the guys; just rolled his eyes and told me how much of an idiot I was being.
However I had thought this through, and therefore didn’t feel like an idiot. Maybe I was an idiot for not confessing my feelings years ago already, but I definitely was right that I couldn’t do it now. “He won’t leave a pregnant woman alone, for god’s sake!” I almost yelled, simply because I was so frustrated.
“I know.” Maiko sighed, averting her gaze and looking at the floor. She knew as well as I did, that when Kaoru felt responsible of something or someone, he did what he had to do, what was right in the situation. We sat in silence for a while, before she turned to look at me again. “I think she knows.”
“What?” I was so startled that I simply had to ask. Yukiko knew that I loved her husband more than I should? That could be bad…
Maiko nodded seriously. “I think she knows that there’s something between you and Kaoru. I mean, it’s kind of obvious that you’re the most important persons in each other’s lives.”
“We’re best friends.” Although my answer might’ve fooled someone, it didn’t even have a chance against Maiko and her knowledge. It definitely wasn’t just being best friends, at least not at my side.
She rolled her eyes at me again. “More than that. And you know it.” She searched for the right words for a moment, then went on with slightly nervous tone. “I won’t tell anyone though. You can trust me with that. But I still think you should tell him.”
“Maiko, the child…” I reminded, fully aware that she knew it as well as I did.
She smiled, and I knew the romantic side in her wanted to believe everyone got ‘the right one’ and that eventually two people who love each other would get to be happy together. “I know. But you can’t know, he might choose you over everything else.”
I couldn’t argue, although I was almost completely sure he would choose his family. Maybe a part of me just didn’t want to believe there would be no happy life together for me and Kaoru. I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him, but at that moment I saw no hope for it.
As I remained silent, Maiko decided to go on after a moment. She really sounded like a mother giving advice, and I couldn’t help but to smile slightly at her. “Die, just don’t kill yourself over this, okay?”
For the first time during our talk I actually honestly smiled at her, utterly relieved since she was so calm and understanding. “I won’t. And thanks.”
She packed her belongings the next morning, and left completely after six days. I had been completely ready to leave the apartment to her, but she said she’d look for a job in another town anyway, and she would live with a friend until she got an apartment of her own. Somehow we managed to stay friends, we still are, and I’m honestly grateful for that.
Title: Complications [2/2]
Comments: A second part here^^ I hope this ties up the things in a fairly good way. Heh, okay, my brains are empty from comments. Just read and comment!^^
I was completely lost for a while. Living alone had never felt so hard, but in a way it was a relief also. Kaoru and Yukiko both came to visit me after I told them Maiko had left, and neither of them could really believe why we had broken up. I couldn’t explain it to them, seeing that then I would’ve had to confess everything. That I wasn’t ready to do.
They still invited me for a dinner every now and then. With each and every dinner it came harder for me to be there, to see their perfect little family that was just waiting for the child to complete the picture. It made me jealous, as terrible as it might sound. I was terribly jealous.
Again I was there, sitting on the couch in the living room, trying to watch TV while Yukiko set the table and Kaoru had vanished to fetch the wine. I was completely lost in my thoughts so I startled when she sat beside me, addressing me in a low and calm voice. “Die, could I talk to you for a second?”
I nodded, what else was there for me to do? I couldn’t possibly tell her to get lost because I was too confused with my feelings for her husband. She stared at me for a moment, obviously trying to interpret my expression. Finally she spoke up. “I’m sorry, and this is terribly personal, but I have to ask you one thing. Did you break up with Maiko because you have someone else?”
My eyes shot open, and I guess I even panicked a bit. She wasn’t supposed to ask me questions like that. Although I have always believed in honesty, I lied to her, bluntly denying everything with a short shake of my head. “No.” I could see it in her eyes that she didn’t believe me, but just as she opened her mouth to say something the door opened and Kaoru stepped in. We both locked our gazes at him, and the moment was over when he started to explain why it had taken him so long.
During the rest of the dinner I tried to keep my distance from Kaoru, sensing that Yukiko suspected something. I didn’t want him to get into troubles because of me, for he hadn’t done anything wrong. I ignored the questioning glances he threw at me, trying to fill the role of a polite friend, nothing more. It was after the dinner when I had to face the consequences of my strange behaviour.
Yukiko went to kitchen, stubbornly refusing all help we offered, and shooed us to the small balcony they had in their apartment. Kaoru and I both lit a cigarette, and for a long moment we just stood there, staring into the distance. The city lights drowned out the stars, but I stared upwards anyways, trying to imagine the stars to the sky.
Suddenly I felt his hand on my arm, and I just turned to look at it dumbly as he began to speak. “What’s wrong?” I raised my head to meet his eyes with mine, shaking my head slightly. “Nothing.”
He rolled his eyes at me, just like I had predicted. With a frustrated sigh he looked away slightly, before turning back to me. “Don’t even try to feed me that bullshit. I know you, and it’s perfectly clear something’s wrong. Hell, every time you’re down I feel it too, so don’t you even dare to lie to me again.”
Why did his statement just sound like a declaration of love to me? I honestly was beginning to be so much in love with him that I always wanted to interpret his words in a way that would’ve meant that he cared for me as much as I cared for him. Curse my wild imagination. I must’ve just stared at him, stunned, for he knitted his eyebrows, addressing me again. “Die? Are you even listening to me?”
“Sorry.” I turned away, pulling my arm back so that his hand didn’t touch mine anymore. somehow I needed the distance to keep myself from giving in and confessing everything. “I guess I still haven’t gotten used to the thought I’m all alone now.” I decided that half of the truth would do. He wouldn’t need to know that it was him whose company I yearned for.
“Die, you’re not alone.” I could feel him standing right behind me already before he grabbed my arm and gently turned me around to face him. He smiled affectionately, and that was something I want to remember for the rest of my life. “I’m here for you.”
Oh how badly I would’ve wanted to understand that in the romantic meaning of the phrase, and throw myself into his arms right there and then. Fortunately, there was still some sense in me, so I only smiled, nodding at him. “I know. You’ll always be my best friend.”
He flinched. That I hadn’t seen coming. It seemed as if he was a bit disappointed even, and for a moment I dared to imagine that he really had meant more with his words. Slowly he nodded, leaning close to hug me shortly. “Yes.”
I would’ve wanted to be there always; in his embrace, close to him. But the moment was over all too soon, and we went back inside to his smiling wife and his perfect life I would never really be a part of.
It was two weeks after that when Kaoru suddenly called me, actually Toshiya, Shinya and Kyo too, telling that the practices would be cancelled for the next week. I was a bit worried, for we were planning on releasing a new album sometime soon, and it as unlike him to just take off like that. I tried to call him, but he only said he’d talk to me when he was ready, and that Yukiko had been taken to a hospital.
Four days went by without a sign of him, but then he suddenly appeared at my doorstep, asking if he could come in and talk. Of course I let him in, making him sit on the couch and offering him a beer that he gladly accepted. We simply sat there for a moment before he spoke up, staring at the blank TV screen. “She lost the baby.” I startled, not believing the words immediately. I had no idea what to say, and at that moment I simply felt so bad for both Kaoru and Yukiko, for I could imagine losing an unborn child would be bad. I even forgot all the jealousy that usually was in me. No one deserves to go through things like this.
“I’m sorry.” There really was nothing else I could say at that moment. I put my hand on his shoulder, and he leaned slightly closer, accepting that as a sign of friendship and comfort. There was this oppressive silence between us, and I have to admit I was slightly surprised by the few tears that flowed down his cheek. He had never cried so that I would’ve seen it, and that probably meant no one had ever seen him cry. After all, we used to spend almost all of our time together some years ago.
After a moment he turned his tearstained face towards me, looking at me with so much pain in his eyes that I would’ve wanted to take it all away. “She blames me for it.” His voice was hardly above whisper, and at first I couldn’t believe my ears. She blamed Kaoru for the miscarriage? How in hell could that be his fault? “Kao, don’t tell me you believe her. How could it be your fault?”
“Too much stress.” He explained shortly, his voice breaking with the last word. More tears appeared in his eyes, and at that point I really didn’t know what to do. Silently I pulled him close, embracing him warmly and hoping the closeness would take even some of the pain away. “It’s not your fault. Don’t believe her.”
He relaxed against me, and we staid there for a long moment. I just held him and let him calm down slowly, inwardly cursing Yukiko to the depths of hell for making Kaoru feel so miserable. Although, the reasonable side in me knew she was hurting too, I just couldn’t bring myself to care enough. I don’t know how long we just staid there, but then he began to relax more, calming down slowly.
I took him to my bedroom and put him under the covers, deciding to spend the night on the couch myself, although I would’ve really wanted to join him under the blanket. He didn’t let me go though, when I tried to get back to the living room he asked me if I could stay with him for a while still. As I couldn’t deny anything from him, I nodded and seated myself beside him, again hugging him comfortingly.
As soon as he drifted off to sleep I carefully detached from him. I would’ve wanted to stay there so badly, if not anything else then I at least would’ve been able to imagine that it was simply normal for us to sleep there peacefully together. But I knew it would really be better if I didn’t stay. So I stood up and grabbed my spare blanket to head for the living room.
After that night passed almost two weeks before I had the chance to talk to Kaoru again, face to face. He had been slightly embarrassed for crying so shamelessly and apologized to me in the morning. I told him it was nothing, and that he needed to get it out one day. He just smiled at me, smiled that gentle smile of his and thanked me for being there for him. What else could I have done? That’s what friends are for.
I didn’t know how things were between him and Yukiko, and I didn’t dare to ask. We talked on the phone a few times, and we saw at the practices, but we really didn’t have the time to really discuss. He looked tired, awful in fact for he seemed to be utterly exhausted both emotionally and physically. Still he managed to run the practices and tried to keep up the façade that he was doing well. Kyo asked me once what was wrong with Kaoru, and I told him he had some personal problems. He just nodded and accepted the explanation without further questions, but I bet we were all equally worried of our bandleader.
Few times I tried to make him talk to me, offered to listen to his troubles, but he just changed the subject every time. So I finally settled for just telling him to come talk to me whenever he wanted, be it in the middle of the night even, and hoped that he would someday be ready to talk to someone. A part of me hoped that he’d sort things out with his wife so that the joy would return into his eyes, but a lot bigger, selfish part of me just wanted that they’d break up.
My urging of him to speak to me seemed to get results when one night I was waken up by a hard knock on my door. For some reason my doorbell had been broken for weeks now, and I hadn’t bothered to do anything about it, and so I instantly knew it would be either Kaoru or Maiko since they were the only ones who knew about the broken doorbell. As soon as I managed to get to the door my suspicions were confirmed as I saw Kaoru standing there, leaning against the wall just behind my door.
“Want to come in?” I opened the door wider, inviting him inside. Wordlessly he nodded, and as he walked past me I smelled clearly that he had been drinking. I frowned, but as he seemed to still at least be able to walk I only shrugged and swallowed down all the possible questions. He sat down on the couch, and I took the other end of it, turning to face him.
“Something wrong?” He still hadn’t said a word, and now he again answered to my question only with a headshake. I knew he was lying though, for he still looked like something bothered him a hell lot. All I could do was to nod, for I had decided not to force him to talk to me, and we both sat there in silence for a moment.
I had directed my gaze to my carpet, just because I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable if I was staring at him. So I didn’t see when he moved closer to me, and I only noticed he was there when a hand landed on my shoulder, swiftly moving up to cup my cheek and to turn my head so that I was facing him. I only had the time to see the faint smile on his face before he leaned closer, pressing his lips on mine.
The action caused me to gasp in surprise, and before I noticed he deepened the kiss, hungrily moving his tongue past my lips while crawling closer and almost sitting on my lap. The fact that he was kissing me made my brain shut down for a few blissful moments, as I only enjoyed the moment when my dreams seemed to become true. Then, to my disappointment, my consciousness was back and I knew this wasn’t what we should be doing.
As gently as I could, but firmly at the same time, I pushed him away. The look in his eyes was something I couldn’t quite interpret, and tentatively he tried to lean into another kiss, but I held him back with my arms. “Kao, you’re drunk.” My voice faltered a bit, and I couldn’t believe I was saying this. Why didn’t I just enjoy and forget the damn reality for a moment? He shook his head, his voice as unsteady as mine. “I’m not. I know what I’m doing.”
“You’re married.” I practically whispered the words, but as he flinched it was clear he had heard me. Only now I realized that this was what I should’ve said in the first place, but then I really had only thought of the fact that he was drunk and not knowing what he was doing. Still, he was married, and I knew as well as he did that he should go back to his wife.
A brief oppressive silence landed upon us, as we simply stared each other in the eye. Then he spoke with a faint voice, but it was oddly clear in the silence. “No.” He shook his head slightly, but his eyes never left mine. “Or yes, but not for long anymore. She wants a divorce.” The words made me flinch, as I couldn’t believe my ears. They were getting a divorce?
“Why?” I was too surprised to even think straight, and all I could do was to ask why. I had somehow thought that although they lost the child they’d be able to go on and maybe have a bunch of children in the future.
He snorted and shook his head, clearly frustrated. “What does it matter? I’m not here to discuss my failed marriage with you.” It took a while before the words reached my brains, and when they did I still couldn’t do anything else but to stare at him unbelievingly. “Kao, you’re still drunk, please go to sleep and let’s talk about this in the morning.” I didn’t care that I sounded desperate, and that I was practically pleading with my eyes, for this was all a bit too much for me to handle this quickly.
“Okay.” It was clear that he wasn’t happy with the decision, but he complied, standing up from the couch. “May I stay over?” I was on my feet in a minute, guiding him to my bedroom once again. I let him lean against me, for he wasn’t exactly walking steady and straight anymore. He leaned heavily against me, and I had the feeling he was trying to be a bit more drunk than he actually even was.
As soon as I got him under the covers I wished him good night, leaving quickly to the living room, for I trusted neither him nor myself right at that moment. My thoughts were running wild, and I just hoped I could get some order in them before I had to face him again in the morning. Not knowing what to do I simply grabbed my cell phone and went to the kitchen, dialling Maiko’s number. She was the only one who knew how I felt for Kaoru, and therefore she was the first one I thought when I needed to talk.
It took several moments before she answered, and I nearly ended the call before it had even begun properly. I was shaking, and my thoughts only circled around Kaoru and the kiss, I simply wasn’t able to think of anything else. So I flinched surprised when suddenly I hear a familiar voice from the other end of the line. “Hello.”
I had been so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize I didn’t answer her, before the slightly annoyed voice caught my attention. “Die, is it you? Why aren’t you saying a thing?” I snapped back to reality, shaking my head a bit to gain my consciousness. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I – I just…” I was only stuttering as my words were as unorganized as my thoughts.
“Calm down, Die, tell me what’s wrong.” She sounded honestly worried, and I tried to answer immediately to smother her worries. It wasn’t so easy though, as my thoughts kept on returning to the just experienced kiss, and the man who was sleeping in my bed right at this moment.
After swallowing a few times I got out an answer though, sighing in deep as the words left my lips. “I, well, nothing’s wrong technically.”
“Then why did you call? It’s 5 am, for gods sake.” I could tell Maiko was irritated and only trying to bite back her anger to remain polite. I didn’t know what to say, as I suddenly felt so stupid since I had called, and for a moment I thought about ending the call then and there. Finally I settled for the truth though.
“Kaoru’s here.”
Her tone changed, from irritated one to a slightly interested one. “Oh. And?”
“He kissed me.”
“He what!?” Maiko practically shrieked the question, and I could imagine her jumping up from bed and clutching onto the phone as she obviously thought she’d heard wrong.
“He kissed me.”
A short silence followed as she was trying to come up with something to say, and I was trying to gather a clear thought. She asked me where Kaoru was now, and I told her that I had forced him to sleep and now I was alone in the kitchen and trying to calm down.
I shortly told her about the miscarriage, and how Yukiko apparently blamed Kaoru for everything, and how Kaoru had been acting slightly strange for long already, basically everything I knew. “And now he said they’re getting a divorce, but I don’t know anything else.” I ended my little speech, waiting for some kind of guidance from her.
After yet another short silence she sighed, obviously at the loss of words. “Sounds like he’s as confused as you are.”
“Yeah. So, what should I do?” I didn’t expect any bright advices from her, I just needed someone to talk to. Usually it would’ve been Kaoru, but seeing that now he was the one I needed to talk about, it was out of the question.
Maiko still sounded puzzled, and the answer came with a soft sigh. “I don’t know. I guess you should try to get some sleep and then in the morning try to talk with him.”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” Lost in my thoughts I nodded, closing my eyes and trying to calm my running thoughts, to force the memory of the kiss to back off. “Thanks for listening.”
She laughed softly. “Like I was of any use. Think positively, Die, this could be good. You know you love him, maybe he cares for you too.”
“Yeah. I’m just too confused right now.” I laughed cheerlessly. “But we’ll see in the morning. Sorry I disturbed you.”
“It’s nothing. You know you can call me when you need someone to listen to your senseless babbling.”
“Thanks again. Good night.”
“Good night.”
I didn’t sleep much during the following night, my thoughts all too messed up to grant me peaceful sleep. I didn’t know whether I had slept at all, but at least I was awake when in the morning Kaoru came out from my bedroom, moving quietly not to wake me in case I was still asleep. I sat up on the couch though, offering him a tired smile. “Slept well?”
He smiled, clearly embarrassed and that alone told me he remembered everything that had happened between us the last night. “I guess so. At least I’m not drunk anymore.” He sat down on the edge of the chair that was right beside the couch. For a moment we only looked each other in the eye, some undefined tension lingering in the air between us.
Finally I couldn’t take the silence anymore. “Want something to eat?” I knew the answer though. For as long as I’d known him he had never been one to eat breakfast. He might take a cup of coffee to wake up, but otherwise he always ate earliest around noon. So I wasn’t really surprised about his answer.
“No, thanks.” Kaoru smiled again, but there still was clear insecurity in the smile. It was written all over his face, and there was no way to miss he was nervous, although normally he was really good in hiding his emotions when he wanted to. “We need to talk.”
I couldn’t help but to flinch, although I had seen that coming. Of course he would want to talk. There’s no way one can kiss his best friend and not talk about it afterwards. I didn’t want to go through this conversation though. I shook my head, sighing. “Kao, I know you were drunk and we can just forget what happened. It’s okay.” I could only hope he would leave it at that.
He didn’t though. For a moment he only looked at me, with an expression I couldn’t interpret. Slowly he got up, taking the few steps to the window and looking outside. “I really wanted to kiss you.” He didn’t look at me, but I could hear the honesty in his voice. I knew him for so many years, and I could tell when he was being serious and when he simply made fun of me. And this was definitely being serious.
“Oh…” Clever me. I really should work on my replies. I was confused, not knowing what to make of the statement. He had wanted to kiss me because he was in need of a kiss and I happened to be there? Or had it been that he had come here to find me since he wanted to kiss me? “But why? I mean, don’t tell me. I don’t want to hear it.” I had changed my mind as soon as the question had left my lips. I wanted to at least have the opportunity to imagine he had kissed me because he wanted to kiss me, not anyone else.
He turned his head a bit to look at me, clearly irritated by now. He frowned, and I could see the tension in his shoulders. “Die, listen to me. I wanted to kiss you. And I would do it again, without hesitation. The question is, do you want me to?”
Do I want him to? That was the most idiotic question in the long line of idiotic questions. Of course I wanted him to. But I couldn’t let him do that. He was still married, and a part of me was convinced he was just going through some marriage crisis. If it was so, I wouldn’t want to take him in only to see him going to his wife in the end. Better if he left already, before he hurts anyone of us. “You need to go back to your wife.”
This was the point where he lost his temper completely. “Goddamn it, Die! I told you we’re getting a divorce.” His fists clenched slightly as he was seemingly trying to get a hold of himself not to do anything stupid. This was all new to me, since usually Kaoru was almost perfect in hiding his frustration.
“If she only said she wants a divorce, it doesn’t mean you have to stop and give in without a fight. Don’t you think your marriage is worth saving then? At least talk to her!” I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out from my mouth. I was standing there, telling him to go and save his marriage. The same marriage I had hoped to be undone so many times this far.
“Stop it, Die, stop it!” Kaoru raised his voice, his eyes flaming with something between anger and defiance. “Stop!” He closed his eyes for a moment, using it to calm down so that he was able to speak more calmly. “Why are you doing this? Why do you want me to go back to her?”
“I don’t want you to. But I’m afraid you have to.” It was as simple as that. I didn’t want him to stay with me if that wasn’t what he really wanted. And I was afraid his family still would mean too much for him.
“No, listen to me. I know her. Hell, I’m married to her so I’m supposed to know her thoroughly!” Kaoru ran his fingers through his hair, turning to face the window again. Somehow it seemed to be easier for him to talk when he wasn’t looking at me. “She isn’t the one to just say things she doesn’t mean. If she wants a divorce, she’s thought it through and there’s no doubt of what she wants. Besides,” He sighed in deep, shaking his head. “I’m not sure if I even want to fix the damn marriage.”
“What did you say?” My words were almost a whisper. He didn’t want to fix the marriage? So it meant he might want to stay with me after all, without regretting the decision the next morning and crawling back to his wife?
He looked at me, his head slightly tilted as he was technically still standing towards the window. He was even smiling faintly at me. “That I’m not sure if I want to go back. You know, crisis usually bring people closer to each other, but somehow when Yukiko and I were going through a hard time I couldn’t bring myself to care enough. I didn’t want to go to her when I needed comfort, and I wasn’t thinking of her when it was hard for me.”
I only looked at him silently. I didn’t want to interrupt, I only wanted to hear what he was about to say. I dared to hope for the best, but still kept myself prepared for the worst. He smiled at me still, turning and taking a few steps closer until he was standing in front of me. I could only think of how soft his voice was when he spoke again.
“Don’t you still get it? You invaded my thoughts. And I can’t get you out of my head.” I still didn’t say a thing, but didn’t step back either when he came closer. Our bodies were almost touching already. His smile hadn’t vanished, and he went on with the same soft tone of voice.
“When I said I wanted to kiss you, I really meant it. I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time now.”
This is when I smiled, the most honest and relieved smile I’d ever smiled. “Honestly, I didn’t mind.” I tilted my head, looking him deep in the eye and drowning in the depths. “You’re a good kisser.”
He chuckled, holding my gaze with his. “So, mind if I do it again?”
I didn’t even bother to answer. Slowly I circled my arms around his waist, as he brought his around my neck. The time seemed to stand still as we looked each other in the eye, our lips finally meeting in a kiss.
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at onepoint i tought that die would have to get old all alone and such ^^ but then came kaokao and that miscarriage and i knew that they would end up together, somehow ^^
thanks for writting dear ^^
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