rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2011-09-25 11:31 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2011-09-25 11:31 pm
[fic] Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi, Han Geng/Zhou Mi – SJM – For Reasons Unknown – Oneshot
Title: For Reasons Unknown
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: PG13 (vague intercourse)
Pairing: Han Geng/Zhou Mi, Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi, Heechul, short appearances from like everyone
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Zhou Mi knew coming to Korea wouldn’t be easy. When he steps out of the aeroplane he is filled with enthusiasm, determination, worry, and a million other feelings he has no names for.
Comments: Uhm. I’m not sure what to say ;~; love me? ♥ This was born from my urges to write Gengmi but… of course I had to screw it up and make it Qmi. My life is sad. And I have a one-track mind. I’m dedicating this todaidetre because she is almost always so patient with me. Also huge thanks to plastictear for reading it and assuring me it’s worth sharing. I kind of feel like this is a bad time to post this, with all the stupid rumors about Geng's lawsuit but. Uhm. I started writing this like weeks ago. If not months haha.
(2006)
Zhou Mi knew coming to Korea wouldn’t be easy. When he steps out of the aeroplane he is filled with enthusiasm, determination, worry, and a million other feelings he has no names for. He is still only learning Korean and although he managed to flirt with the flight attendant he knows he isn’t ready to survive on his own. Not quite yet. He knows someone is supposed to be there to meet him at the airport, but first he picks up his luggage and doesn’t hurry.
He breathes in. Korean air. Technically, air filled with diesel and burning rubber, turning into humidity and stench of sweat once he steps into the hangar. Still it feels different. Exhilarating. It feels like he’s just started an adventure and it makes his steps just a little bit bouncier despite the heaviness in his chest.
There is someone waiting for him with a ridiculous little sign saying Jomi and Zhou Mi thinks it’s kind of adorable. Only when he steps closer and is greeted by what appears to be one of the assistant managers, he notices another person standing two steps behind the first. It’s a tall man, hiding in a loose shirt, hat and sunglasses. Zhou Mi notices he’s being watched and instantly offers a bright smile and a bow. “Nice to meet you!” He tries in slightly faltering Korean.
“Nice to meet you, too, Zhou Mi.” The answer comes a heartbeat later. In perfect Mandarin. Zhou Mi can’t hold back his obvious surprise. He stares. The tall man grins as he takes off his sunglasses, an amused glint in his deep brown eyes. “Han Geng.”
That is when Zhou Mi nearly faints and has a slight seizure. He should’ve recognized this man! He had spent hours upon hours staring at posters or trading cards, googling images of the members of this group since he knew he was going to share a label with them. Super Junior. He had just met one of the Super Juniors.
It took him approximately fifteen seconds to gain back his sunshine smile and he launched off into a string of fluent Mandarin, happy to have someone he could talk with in his native language. Han Geng smiled, obviously amused. Maybe a part of him enjoyed it, too, more than he liked to show.
They soon get acquainted. They soon grow to be friends. It’s just so nice, hearing someone speak the same language you’ve known ever since you were a child. Even if they come from different provinces and the dialects vary, it’s still like heaven compared to the harsh sounds of Korean surrounding them the rest of the time. It’s not only the language that brings them closer together though. They simply tick the same way. They finish each other’s sentences before they even realize it.
Han Geng introduces Zhou Mi to a few of his friends. First and foremost he introduces him to Heechul, who is hospitalized after an accident that broke his leg into thousands of pieces. Heechul looks at Zhou Mi as if he can see right through him, to the darkest corners of his soul. A second later Heechul spreads his arms and announces he wants a hug. From both the gorgeous Chinese studs standing in the room, of course.
When Zhou Mi hugs Heechul he knows they will become good friends. When he fetches Heechul his tea a moment later (“the hospital coffee tastes like sweaty socks, who drinks that!?”) he knows they will be best friends forever. While Han Geng works Zhou Mi becomes Heechul’s personal assistant and he learns more about the other Chinese man than he ever heard during the weeks they’d known each other. Seems like Heechul knows all of his secrets. Everyone’s secrets.
Somehow Zhou Mi doesn’t mind sharing his with Heechul, either. He knows the most important ones will be safe. The rest… well who cares for the rest.
As much as Zhou Mi grows to love Heechul, the fierce and protective Heechul who stands up for him from the first second he meets him, it is never quite the same as he feels towards Han Geng. The connection is different, there is something else there. What it is, Zhou Mi doesn’t really know. Not before Han Geng kisses him.
It is late and Zhou Mi is brushing his teeth when there is a knock on the bathroom door. At first he thinks it’s one of the boys he shares the apartment with, but when a familiar voice calls through the door he stops in mid-movement. “Zhou Mi? Could we talk.” Han Geng doesn’t quite sound like himself, and that makes Zhou Mi worry. Quickly he spits the toothpaste into the sink and rinses his mouth, turning to open the door.
“It wasn’t locked,” he points out with a soft smile, meeting the older man’s eyes straight. There is something different there and that makes Zhou Mi hesitate, unsure how to react. Han Geng steps into the room and Zhou Mi backs up until his back hits the sink and stops him. He doesn’t know what to say, but thankfully he doesn’t need to say anything.
Han Geng steps in until their chests are almost touching and he never looks away. He cups Zhou Mi’s cheek in his palm, as if asking for permission and when Zhou Mi doesn’t pull away, Han Geng leans in and kisses him. The kiss tastes of peppermint toothpaste and stale coffee and something else Zhou Mi can’t quite place. Yet it makes something twitch in his stomach and he mewls as he leans in to deepen it.
His fingers tangle in Han Geng’s hair and he stops thinking altogether. There isn’t much talking involved. Not before they wake up in the early morning hours, tangled together and in the wrinkled sheets.
They don’t tell anyone.
It’s not difficult since Zhou Mi doesn’t even know half of Han Geng’s friends or group mates. He is just another Chinese trainee who is destined to be a part of some group sometime in the future. And he just happens to know Han Geng and spend time with him every now and then. Somehow Heechul still knows. He whacks Zhou Mi upside the head and tells him he’d better know what he’s doing. He smiles though and they all know he wants nothing more but his friends to be happy.
Happy is exactly the right word for it. Zhou Mi feels like he’s living a dream. He’s in a new country, he’s signed on a record label he never even thought would be reachable, he is chasing his dreams and on top of all that, he has found a man that makes him happy. Their time together isn’t much, not with the way Han Geng is busy and needs to work a lot, but they make the most of what they’ve got.
Zhou Mi hopes Han Geng is happy too. He knows the other man is under tremendous amount of pressure, but he also knows he enjoys what he does. It’s hard work but it’s worth it. Whenever Han Geng speaks about his work Zhou Mi soaks it all up, imprints everything into his memory. He knows it’s going to be his future too, if everything goes well. He is also going to be the Chinese person in a Korean group and he thinks this is a perfect opportunity to learn.
Sometimes, Zhou Mi doesn’t let Han Geng talk, though. Sometimes he makes him sit in front of the TV and brings him something to drink, sits behind him and massages his shoulders to get rid of every knot and locked muscle. He smiles when Han Geng groans approvingly, his head lolling backwards until he rests it on Zhou Mi’s shoulder. He whispers in Han Geng’s ear, asking him if he’d like something to eat. He allows his playful protests to fade as he is pinned down against the cushions, rather focusing on the hot mouth on his.
It is one of those moments when Han Geng tells him he loves him. The words make Zhou Mi’s heart skip a little and he kisses the other man, before snuggling his face into the crook of his neck. He was always the cuddlier type and with time, the other man learned that, indulging him. And maybe secretly enjoying it himself, as well. “It hasn’t even been a year since we met,” Zhou Mi murmurs lowly against the smooth, tanned skin.
It tickles a little and Han Geng chuckles. “Sometimes good things happen fast, despite what they say.” His long fingers trace a line up Zhou Mi’s spine before he flattens his palm between his shoulder blades. “You can’t believe how long it’s been since I last even had a relationship.” He groans theatrically, even rolling his eyes to emphasize his desperation and the sad lack in his love-life.
Zhou Mi laughs. “It isn’t easy being famous, now is it?” He rolls them both over, preventing the other man from answering. It was mostly rhetorical anyway.
(2007)
The car accident changes Kyuhyun’s whole life. His isn’t the only one. Even if some of the outcomes aren’t visible yet, not for years.
“There is someone I want you to meet,” Han Geng smiles as he gestures for Zhou Mi to follow him into the long, white corridor. Zhou Mi already knows who they’re visiting in the hospital, after all there has been no other topic for the past few weeks than the young boy whose life was almost cut short so tragically.
He has seen Kyuhyun in official photoshoots and posters, he has seen him smiling in music videos and commercials. The reality isn’t quite what he expected. He knew there would be less photoshop and more raw personality, but he is still taken aback. He stops at the door to the room, taking in his surroundings. Everything is so white. Even if the room is already scattered with manga, flowers, stuffed toys, even a laptop plugged in and ready to go right on the bedside table.
The boy lying in bed is what captures his attention, though. Kyuhyun looks so pale, so thin and so worn, and for a second Zhou Mi is afraid he might break him if he just breathes too harshly into his direction. Han Geng grabs his wrist though and tugs him into the room, smiling at the familiar patient. “How are you today?” He asks instantly, obviously a frequent visitor here.
“Bored stiff,” Kyuhyun groans instantly, rolling his eyes theatrically. “They still think I’m too fragile to even go pee without someone hovering behind my back.” That doesn’t exactly surprise Zhou Mi since he would probably be one to do the hovering, too. He isn’t certain if he’d even let this young man get up from bed.
Then, dark brown eyes are turned to his direction, a curious glint somewhere in the depths. Han Geng notices that and hurries to do the introductions. He uses Zhou Mi’s real name instead of the butchered Korean version, and Kyuhyun repeats it without problems. “So you’re the beanpole Heechul always talks about,” Kyuhyun remarks, obviously amused, “he knows no other topic.”
That makes Zhou Mi laugh, his eyes sparkling. “I am so sorry. I’m sure you must be fed up already. Should I leave?” He jokes, making a move towards the door.
The laughter he gains in response is musical, almost makes his world stop for a second. He never expected so much life from such a fragile looking creature. “Thanks for the offer. You may stay. I was looking forward to something new anyway.”
Zhou Mi and Han Geng exchange matching grins as they take seats in the awkward plastic chairs next to the bed.
During the following weeks Zhou Mi spends hours and hours in the hospital. Sometimes he brings Kyuhyun flowers but he soon learns that Kyuhyun makes faces at those and whines that he would’ve much rather wanted something else instead. Like chocolate. Or cakes. Or some food that doesn’t taste like charcoal mixed with mud scraped off your boots. Or maybe the new PC game he saw on TV and should be in stores already.
Zhou Mi tells him to suck it up. The next time he brings him chocolate. The gleeful look in Kyuhyun’s eyes is thanks enough and he even gladly folds himself in the too small chair even if it means his limbs will be asleep rather sooner than later. Somehow, after a few visits they graduate from him sitting in one of those godawful chairs to him sitting on Kyuhyun’s bed instead, pointing out interesting things on TV while the younger man ignores him in favour of his laptop.
As strange as it might be, they both enjoy it.
“I brought you something special today!” Zhou Mi announces as he waltzes into the room, a bright grin like stuck on his face. It’s only two weeks and Kyuhyun will be discharged and he thinks it’s good enough reason to celebrate. He made the decision on a whim as he passed by the stores on his way, and he is practically vibrating with excitement over his idea.
Kyuhyun’s eyes lighten up at the words, a smile stretching over his lips. “Something special? Now if I didn’t know you’re such a prude and never break rules – oh holy shit I love you!” He claps his hands in excitement as Zhou Mi reveals the logo of a fast food place on the bag he is holding. There is no better way to make a hospitalized person happy than bringing him food, he knows this. He didn’t know what Kyuhyun would like so he picked different kinds of snacks, trusting there would be something good in there.
“I didn’t know what you like,” he begins as he approaches the bed and plops to sit down on it, only to have the bag practically torn off his fingers.
“I don’t care!” Kyuhyun claims. “I love everything. Everything.” He sounds slightly psychotic but then again, who could blame him. Especially when he looks so adorable stuffing his face with the treats. He almost looks like a hamster, trying to store food in his mouth until his cheeks are puffed and Zhou Mi doesn’t even know how he manages to chew.
“You could slow down…” he suggests, amused. “The food isn’t going to disappear.”
Kyuhyun gives him a sceptical look. “It might. You might eat it.” He points out, his mouth full of something that once might’ve been a pizza-roll. He still holds the brown paper bag close to his chest as if it’s his most prized possession.
“Maybe,” Zhou Mi smiles sweetly. The next second he reaches out and snatches the bag from Kyuhyun’s grasp. He receives an indignant yelp and a pout as a response, but it doesn’t stop him from digging out a soup bun to sink his teeth into it. “These are good,” he sing-songs, smiling smugly.
“I hate you,” Kyuhyun growls as he re-claims the food bag.
Zhou Mi just grins. “I love you too.”
He ignores the tiny voice in his head that laughs at him and tells him that yes he does, a little too much.
It is late in the evening when Han Geng comes back from an extra rehearsal for their upcoming show. Zhou Mi gets them take out and re-heats it twice, before he realizes that he is acting like an idiot and stops. He tries to focus on reading but he has been working so hard on his own training, using up every free moment to visit the hospital, that he doesn’t last for long.
When the front door opens he doesn’t even realize, curled up on the couch with the open book still in his hand. Only when there are cool fingers pressed against the side of his neck he startles, scrambling up to a seated position as he tries to blink the sleep off his eyes. “Uhm. I. I didn’t think you were coming anymore.” He admits as he realizes who it is, giving the other man a soft smile.
Han Geng smiles back, dark circles under his eyes and tiredness visible on his features. “When did we even see last? It’s almost a week ago.” Six days, Zhou Mi fills in inwardly but doesn’t say anything out loud. “I’m sorry I could only make it so late.” Han Geng crouches down in front of the couch, placing his arms on the other man’s knees.
“It’s not your fault,” Zhou Mi means it. He knows that the schedule is insane and that it’s nothing Han Geng can change. He goes where he needs to go, does what he needs to do, and there aren’t many alternatives. “Are you hungry? I got us some Beijing Duck,” he grins at the bad joke. It’s enough to draw tired chuckles from the older Chinese man.
They move over to the kitchen, sitting on the opposite sides of the countertop as they eat the re-heated food. The duck is dry, the rice is sticky, but it’s still edible enough. They hardly see anymore these days and when they do – like now – they are too tired to even speak much. It makes something sting in Zhou Mi’s heart but he doesn’t say anything. A part of him is afraid that if he voices it out loud, it will make it real.
“You spend a lot of time at the hospital,” Han Geng opens the conversation. It isn’t an accusation, merely an observation, with even a hint of a question in it.
Zhou Mi shrugs. “I like him. And he needs someone. It’s unbearably boring in there, you wouldn’t believe.” He knows that Heechul has made it very clear how boring hospitals are, though. That flashes through both their minds and they have to grin at the thought.
“You’ve always been kind hearted,” Han Geng smiles. “I’m sure Kyuhyun appreciates the company.”
Kind hearted. Inwardly Zhou Mi thinks it might go beyond that. But he smiles back.
The day Kyuhyun is discharged from the hospital everyone is like hyped up on too much sugar and there is no chance for him to even talk with anyone properly. It’s like Kyuhyun is a newborn baby everyone wants to hold and coo at, until he is so exhausted he only drops into bed. Zhou Mi is there at the welcome home party but he only talks to Heechul and Han Geng, and Ryeowook who seems determined to make friends with him.
The next day, Kyuhyun kisses Zhou Mi. In the corridor, where anyone might see.
It’s a slide of soft, slightly chapped lips against his own and no matter how loudly a part of Zhou Mi’s brain screams it’s wrong, he can’t pull back. He sighs lowly into the contact, angling his head to meet it, and only when Kyuhyun brings a palm up to cup his cheek he jolts back from it.
Kyuhyun is watching him from dark eyes, hooded with something unidentifiable with a hint of curiosity laced within. It makes something in Zhou Mi’s chest clench and he scrambles backwards until his back hits the wall. He is certain there is a wild, borderline panicking look in his eyes since Kyuhyun gives him a soft, sad smile.
”I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun avoids his eyes, pointedly, as he twists the hem of his shirt in his long fingers.
Zhou Mi feels his heart do another painful collision against the pit of his stomach. ”Don’t be,” he whispers. “Don’t be.” He doesn’t know what else to say. Hey, you know, I might be developing feelings for you but I actually have a boyfriend, even if we can’t tell the world and need to keep it hidden but a boyfriend nevertheless, and I just can’t do this to him?
There is a heavy silence between them, and Zhou Mi isn’t surprised when it’s Kyuhyun who breaks it finally. “Is there something between you and Hankyung?” It sounds like a statement more than a question. Kyuhyun is looking straight at him and Zhou Mi can’t bring himself to lie.
“Yeah,” he agrees with a nod. Yes, his mind provides even further, guilt banging against the back of his skull. There is something and he is rapidly ruining that something by developing unwanted feelings for someone he should’ve taken only as a brother. Logically, he knows that things between him and Han Geng have been going south for long now, but the optimist in him refuses to acknowledge it, the romantic in him doesn’t want to let go.
He almost tells Kyuhyun that, already opening his mouth to speak. Kyuhyun seems to interpret his hesitance in a different way, since he quickly cuts him off. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell.” He nods, raising his hand as if he is swearing an oath.
Zhou Mi forces a smile.
It is only a few days later when Heechul corners Zhou Mi and tells him he wants to talk. In private. That already sounds kind of ominous, especially when Heechul adds that he will bring the booze. Three hours later they’re sitting in Heechul’s room, cross legged on Heechul’s bed, with a bottle of vodka between them. Heechul ditches the glasses, deciding they can as well drink straight from the bottle. It’s manlier, he says with a grin.
There is surprisingly little talking for the first half an hour and they manage to destroy quite a lot alcohol. Maybe it’s that, the fact it makes their heads spin and causes slight dizziness, but when Heechul speaks up he goes straight to the point. Then again, Heechul has always been one to go straight to the point. “You and Hannie. There’s something wrong, right?”
Zhou Mi has always thought that it’s only in romantic novels and stupid movies where one feels his heart do weird somersaults in his chest. But right now, his stops beating for a good while and he momentarily forgets how to breathe. It only lasts for a couple of seconds – a couple of very, very long seconds – and he smiles again, aiming for nonchalance. “I… don’t know what you mean?”
“Don’t even try to give me that crap.” Heechul nearly spits the words out and rolls his eyes. He knocks back another drink – or another long sip from the bottle to be more exact. Afterwards he looks straight into Zhou Mi’s eyes. “He’s been distracted lately. You’ve been acting weird lately.”
“We don’t really see much these days,” Zhou Mi ventures carefully. He tries to say something without saying anything and it’s never easy, especially not with a perceptive listener who is ready to rip apart every single lie he’s trying to pass as the truth. “And when we do… we just have dinner. Or watch TV.” He shrugs.
Heechul looks at him for a moment and one can almost see his mind work. “When did you last have sex?” It’s a valid question, but Zhou Mi just sputters, unable to come up with anything intelligent to say to that. Turns out he doesn’t even need to, since he is silenced with a hand gesture. “That’s answer enough.” Heechul sighs. “You’re obviously not fighting and you don’t hate each other. Which only leaves one possible conclusion.”
Now that is enough to make Zhou Mi curious. If his life is so easy to figure out he wants to hear the conclusion too. Maybe it would sort out some things for him as well. “Which is?” He asks, leaning in to snatch the bottle from Heechul’s fingers.
“You’re friends.” Heechul replies.
Zhou Mi is almost disappointed. He grimaces. “That’s stupid, Heechul. We’ve been friends for years.” He takes a long sip of alcohol, enjoying the slow burn of it on his tongue and down his throat. It’s like it’s the only thing that matters for a moment.
Heechul growls, frustrated. “Only friends.” He puts the right amount of emphasis on the words.
Zhou Mi just stares.
Nothing changes. Not really. Zhou Mi and Han Geng are still caught in their awkward almost-relationship and no amount of eyerolls and subtle mocking from Heechul changes that. If something changes, it’s that day by day they’re turning more into friends and less lovers. They still spend time together, just the two of them, but they’re content just chatting or keeping each other company.
What makes Zhou Mi startle is when he realizes he doesn’t even feel the urge to touch Han Geng, not anymore. Not like he used to. When he looks at the older man he sees a person he trusts, a person he would go down fighting for. But not a person he wants to possess, a person he wants to spend his nights with.
Zhou Mi ignores it. Desperately he pretends everything is as it used to be. Stubbornly he ignores the nagging voice in the back of his skull.
After the upcoming debut of SJM is announced to them and the members participating in it are picked, things get a lot more hectic. There are still several months before the official first performance but before that there is so much to do, so much to prepare. Suddenly, Zhou Mi knows he is going to be in the same group with Han Geng, even if it’s only a subgroup. It will have a lot of air time though, a lot of promotional activities and it also means considerably much more time together.
Not just for the two of them. Zhou Mi doesn’t admit it to anyone, not even himself, but when he hears Kyuhyun’s name amongst the SJM members he smiles a little wider and his step gets a little lighter.
Sometimes Zhou Mi gets to hang out backstage when Super Junior is performing. He likes to think of it as preparations too, the way he sees how things are done and how everyone knows their own place. It’s a fascinating concept and he would take notes if he didn’t know it would seem a little insane. Inwardly he does, anyway, in his mind.
It’s right before the encore when he stands to the side so he can see to the stage without being seen, sees a glimpse of the audience. Hears the fanchants. One by one, the names of all the members are mentioned, until it’s time for Kyuhyun’s. He feels strangely proud when he hears the fans scream, even though he knows it doesn’t make any sense.
Kyuhyun is right there next to him and he is smiling. There is something off in his smile though, and just when Zhou Mi is about to ask he speaks up instead. “Hear that?” Kyuhyun’s voice is dripping with sarcasm, but that is not all. He sounds strangely melancholy. “Now they accept me. I only had to almost die for it.”
Zhou Mi doesn’t know what to say. Partly because he is stunned. Partly because he has the incredibly strong urge to hug Kyuhyun and hold him close, to kiss away his worries and to make him forget there is anything else in the world but the two of them. He almost moves in for the hug but the moment is broken when Kyuhyun turns to look at him and smiles. “I’m sorry. I. I appreciate what I got. It’s like a second chance,” he looks back out to the audience, knowing he has to go back in a moment. “Still I wish it could have been different.”
Zhou Mi nods. Kyuhyun gives him a small nudge on the ribs before he slips off. Zhou Mi just stands there and looks into the sapphire blue ocean. He doesn’t know what he feels. He has never felt like this before. And it scares him. Stubbornly he ignores it.
(2008)
It’s been months. Zhou Mi has never been this good at pretending, at ignoring things. If anyone asks about it, he still insists nothing is wrong and things are exactly like before. He knows those words have been a lie for months now. Nothing is wrong, per se. There are no fights, there is no bad blood between them, there is nothing that indicates anything could be wrong. Not that anyone except Heechul and Kyuhyun even know that there was something to begin with. Now? Now it’s considerably easier to pretend. After all, there is nothing to cover.
Zhou Mi can’t even remember the last time they slept in the same bed. Much less when they shared something else that didn’t consist of only talking or handholding. Zhou Mi misses the past. He doesn’t know how to get back to it. Sadly, he thinks, there probably is no way for that.
It doesn’t come as a surprise to either one of them when Han Geng speaks up over a shared cup of coffee in the morning. “We should stop pretending this is anything more than it is.” He sounds sad, somewhat resigned, and when he smiles at the younger man there is just honesty and raw vulnerability there. Nothing of malicious content.
Zhou Mi’s heart sinks and takes residence in the pit of his stomach and he bites his lower lip softly, avoiding the other man’s gaze. He knew this was coming. He knows it’s the only thing left for them to do. Still it doesn’t make him any less sad. Letting go was never easy. Especially not after what they shared was genuine. “I know,” he sighs. ”We’ll still be friends, right?” Usually it might be a cliché, something that was said but would never happen.
“Of course,” Han Geng smiles softly. It is the moment when they both acknowledge they have been only friends for a long now. Nothing stops them from staying friends when they’re hardly anything more anyway. The deeper feelings have faded, even if neither of them knows when. Neither of them knows where. How.
Han Geng leans over the table and Zhou Mi tastes coffee on his tongue. The kiss is like a soft breeze from the past, like a reminder of how things used to be. There is no reason to be bitter. They can look back to what they had and smile.
Still, when Han Geng’s fingers brush against Zhou Mi’s cheek, down his neck, he feels something inside of him die a little.
It’s time for him to learn. Go on, no fear.
Then it happens. The great day of debut. The date that will be forever etched into Zhou Mi’s memory as the day he officially took the first public step of this journey. It would have been a lie to say that Zhou Mi had thought it’d be all sunshine and roses but he is still surprised. People are just that much more cruel than he expected, the reaction is that much more negative, and he isn’t certain how he is supposed to react to that.
So he smiles.
That is what he does the best. He smiles and talks, he pretends nothing is wrong and drowns the hurt in being even more active than usual. It’s not all bad. He loves everyone in his group, he loves standing on stage in front of the audience, he loves singing, he loves planning his outfits, he loves even the random things they have to do in variety shows. It’s only when he reads an insulting message, when someone tells him to go die, when he wants to run.
He is stronger than that. He refuses to let go, he refuses to give in. He can drown the hate in love. He can turn the frowns into smiles. And if it takes years then be it, that is the price he is willing to pay.
Zhou Mi always believed attitude is the most important weapon a person has. He turns his face towards the light instead of the shadow.
It helps to know he is not alone. Henry is in it together with him and they both draw strength in knowing there’s someone who knows what it’s like. Donghae is always ready for a chat or a random video game to distract him. Siwon acts like a concerned father and does everything he can to make things better. Ryeowook is the person anyone feels comfortable talking to, who believes in fixing everything with good food.
Then there are Han Geng and Kyuhyun. Han Geng is the one he goes to when he needs to talk, when he needs someone who understands him and knows how he functions. They might not be sleeping together anymore but it doesn’t mean he trusts the other man any less and he knows it’s mutual. While Kyuhyun probably doesn’t even realize how much support he gives, unconditionally. He is always there to lean on, even if they might spend a whole evening in the same room without saying a single word to each other.
Sometimes Zhou Mi wonders what is coming of his life. But one thing is for certain. He is willing to work for his dreams and he has the most amazing people possible around him.
On the relationship front, nothing changes. Zhou Mi doesn’t want to run from one to another, and he feels he needs time for himself. It is kind of nice to know he can stand on his own two feet and is in charge of his own life. For months he is so busy with everything work related that he doesn’t even remember it, too focused on perfecting every single performance, every single recorded track.
Finally they end up on a break, the whole group travelling back to Korea even if Zhou Mi and Henry don’t have promotional activities for a while. Heechul kidnaps Zhou Mi the second he steps in through the door, announcing that he deserves some quality time with his Seasoning. He doesn’t listen to any complaints, only stopping for long enough to hug Donghae and to tell Han Geng his turn would follow.
Somehow, Zhou Mi feels he has lived this before. Again he is sitting on Heechul’s bed, facing him, a bottle of vodka between them. Except this time there are snacks too and there is a lot more laughter as Zhou Mi animatedly tells Heechul everything about what has happened since they last talked. Already Donghae manages to get into at least a dozen interesting situations a day in a foreign country when he doesn’t know the language more than just enough to say my darling babies.
“I almost wish I was a part of that goddamn China-group,” Heechul laughs when Zhou Mi finishes. “Sounds like you have enough entertainment on the house.” They both know that Heechul could’ve been a part of the group if he had insisted and pushed hard enough, but he is quite happy with what activities he has as it is.
“So,” Heechul swaps topics easily, throwing a smirk at the other man. “Now that you’re not limited by Hannie anymore, is there a hot stud in your life I should know of?” After two salted peanuts and a swing of vodka later he adds, thoughtfully. “Or maybe a less-hot and painfully awkward gamer nerd?”
The addition makes Zhou Mi blush despite himself and he coughs, trying to cover his reaction with a mouthful of chips. “No. There’s no time for such things!” He tries, licking the salt off his lips. “I haven’t even been thinking of anything of sorts. It’s been so busy.” That is not even a lie, since his mind has been fully occupied by work.
Heechul sighs, disappointed. “Aw. I thought you would’ve managed to make a move already.”
“It’s not about that,” Zhou Mi looks right back at his friend, honest. “I’m not lonely.” He has amazing friends around him and if one of them makes him feel a little like a giddy teenager, or makes occasional butterflies swarm in the pit of his stomach, it’s not that serious.
“I know,” Heechul smiles, “but it doesn’t mean you couldn’t actually act on your feelings, you know.”
“How is it possible you always know what is going on in my mind?” Zhou Mi can’t help but ask. It seems like Heechul knows more about his life than he does himself, always bringing up topics he thinks he’s kept well hidden. Then again, Heechul is easily one of the most perceptive persons he knows so maybe he just is that good at piecing things together.
“I am just that good,” the answer comes with a cocky smirk. “I know you. And when one knows what to look for… it’s surprisingly easy to find answers. And seriously, no one would blame you if you’d move on!”
“I already moved on, long ago,” Zhou Mi waves aside, grinning. He guides the conversation to safer topics easily enough. Even though Heechul laughs at his stories, Zhou Mi knows he’s been caught when he mentions Kyuhyun’s name for the seventh time within half an hour. He isn’t sure if he just imagines the mocking glint in Heechul’s eyes but he is pretty sure he doesn’t.
Sometimes, Zhou Mi thinks that his life has the oddest sense of timing in the world. There is hardly a few days after Heechul starts nagging him about his love-life – or lack thereof – before he is cornered about the same topic again. This time, by none other than Kyuhyun.
It takes him completely by surprise. It’s like any other evening they spend at the dorms, without any promotional activities for once. Kyuhyun sits on his bed with his laptop propped up on his thighs, focusing on some annoyingly loud game. Zhou Mi has learned long ago to just ignore the noise and he is lying on the other end of the bed, fiddling with his phone, one earpiece stuffed in as he listens to the latest catchy pop songs he’s downloaded.
It’s quite late and they’ve been busy again, so it’s no wonder that Zhou Mi starts to drift off at one point, nearly drooling on the bedsheets as his head drops forward. He only startles awake when someone gently takes the phone off his hand and untangles his fingers from the chord of the music player. He blinks sleepily, only to notice Kyuhyun has put away his laptop and is now kneeling on the bed in front of him.
“I thought you were sleeping,” he admits, seeming a little bit awkward as if he hadn’t wanted to wake Zhou Mi up. Which shouldn’t be a problem to begin with, seeing that it’s Kyuhyun’s bed they’re both on, and he should’ve just kicked Zhou Mi off it the moment he started drooping sleepily. Zhou Mi assures him it’s fine and struggles to sit up as well. He is rubbing sleep out of his eyes, hardly able to suppress a yawn, when Kyuhyun speaks up again.
“What happened with you two?” He looks more than curious, meeting Zhou Mi’s eyes straight. It’s obviously something that has been on his mind for longer and he wouldn’t have even asked if he had thought it’d be inappropriate. Considering how close they’ve grown, it can’t exactly be considered a rude question.
For a second Zhou Mi considers opting for just dodging the question. Then he sighs, leaning back against the cool wall. “We broke up.” Because I was falling in love with you and because I couldn’t handle things anymore, and because we somehow slid back to being friends without even knowing, he adds inwardly but never voices out loud.
Something almost angry flashes in Kyuhyun’s eyes and he can’t hold back a frown that ghosts over his features. “And you didn’t care to tell me?” He sounds vaguely accusing although he tries hard to cover it. Zhou Mi feels a little sting of guilt but somehow he never thought it was that essential. Or it was, always was. But he still feels that if he runs to Kyuhyun to tell him he’s single it’s like saying I’m here now take me!
Zhou Mi apologizes. He honestly means it. Kyuhyun has been there for him, has always offered a shoulder to lean on, and he owes him at least honesty. He almost lets his biggest secret slip right then and there, but before he can tell Kyuhyun how he feels, he is pulled into a tight hug.
He smiles as he hugs back, tucks his chin on Kyuhyun’s shoulder and buries his nose in his hair.
Most of the time, Zhou Mi is very good at focusing on the good things. He spots the one smiling face in the crowd in the midst of the frowns, he hears the one cheer in the silent hall, and he is happy with that. He knows it’s not the quantity, it’s the quality, and he has supportive and loyal fans. It has even gone to the lengths that he is almost friends with a couple of them, the girls following him at the airports and whenever they’re promoting.
Sometimes, it still gets to him. Sometimes, he feels like crying and wants to punch the walls, wants to ask what he did to deserve all this. It’s unfair and although he copes, he isn’t certain if he can keep it up forever. Things seem to get marginally better, at least, and he puts his hopes to that. Still, in the darkness of the night, he can’t hide his moments of weakness.
Being a genuinely happy person doesn’t mean he’d be exempt of sadness all the time. Unfortunately. But there are ways to deal with even the negative emotions. Sometimes he goes on a shopping spree and no one even notices, since he tends to do that when he’s particularly happy as well. Sometimes he goes out with friends, sometimes he spends hours online listing the designer bags he once wants to own.
Sometimes he buys ice cream and pastries and uses them to lure Kyuhyun in to watch romantic comedies with him. It’s something he figured out a long ago, already at the hospital during the hours they spent together: if you want Kyuhyun to do something, you bribe him with food. Always works.
When they’re almost at the end of the five hour marathon of the latest romantic drama, Zhou Mi’s head resting on Kyuhyun’s shoulder, things look a lot brighter again. Kyuhyun is still snacking on the tiny dumplings, occasionally reaching for the bubble tea to slurp it loudly. They both know he is happy for the main couple when they finally get each other, even if he protests loudly and exclaims he knew this was going to happen five minutes into the first episode.
Zhou Mi hides a smile against the other man’s shirt.
(2009)
Zhou Mi hits his head against the window when the van drives straight over a bump in the road. Automatically he brings his hand up to see if there’s a bump, although the reasonable part of him knows it’s of course completely ridiculous. The hit was barely enough to wake him up. He blinks sleepily as he takes in their surroundings, in the flashing of the street lights. That is the only source of light in there anyway, and it’s way past their bedtime, so most of them have opted for sleep.
Not quite everyone though. Kyuhyun is sitting right next to him wide awake, focused on his handheld console as he’s hunched strangely in his seat. For a moment Zhou Mi considers trying to sleep again, but forgets all about that when the younger man looks up at him. “Oh. You’re awake.” Kyuhyun’s voice is a mere whisper, not to wake up their friends, as soft as the smile gracing his lips.
“Bumped my head,” Zhou Mi answers, amused. He brushes a strand of hair off his face, but it doesn’t help since it drops right back the next second. “I don’t think I can sleep anymore.” He gives a one-shouldered shrug.
Kyuhyun grins, not even looking at his DS as he flips it closed. “Be happy it was just your head. It’s hard enough to take the hit.” It’s a conversation they can waltz through eyes closed and backwards whenever they want, more than familiar. Zhou Mi makes sure he exaggerates generously as he fakes silent laughter, rolling his eyes right after.
They drive past a street light and it makes Kyuhyun’s eyes flash. That is the last thing Zhou Mi registers before Kyuhyun leans in and presses their lips together. It’s a slow kiss, only lips on lips but definitely more than a friendly peck you might give as a joke. There is a warm feeling in Zhou Mi’s chest, pooling in his stomach, and he tilts his head as a response.
When Kyuhyun pulls back he is smiling. “I think it’s been long enough now.” He chuckles as he notices the baffled expression on Zhou Mi’s face, reaching to brush his thumb over his smooth cheek. “I’ve been a good boy, haven’t I? I’ve given you time and space. Now,” he smirks and for a second he looks like a mischievous boy. Which he still is, Zhou Mi adds. “I think it’s your turn to give me a chance.”
They lean in for another kiss and Zhou Mi could swear the rays of sunshine and happiness might burst him any second.
Unlike Zhou Mi’s previous attempt at a relationship, there is no chance for them to keep this a secret. From the world, yes. From their friends, never in a million years. They don’t think anything is different but it doesn’t take long and the remarks begin. Obviously they are much more… obvious than they think.
Be careful, you two, pleads Siwon who is the first one to bring it up. Heechul rolls his eyes, you don’t need to lecture them about safe sex, idiot. Siwon sulks for a while but shuts up about it.
Make room for the lovebirds, says Henry when he makes Donghae scoot over on the couch so that Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun can sit next to one another.
Do you want your dessert on one plate or two? asks Ryeowook when he deals out the cake, and makes everyone laugh since they know one plate means no cake for Zhou Mi.
Stop staring at each other dreamily on stage, snaps Heechul on the phone, accompanied by a few clicks as he opens the next fancam on youtube, it causes so much second hand embarrassment I’m dying.
Good, laughs Shindong, grinning, this means the end to Kyuhyun’s skin problems and bad taste in clothing. The others tell him to stop being so optimistic. Zhou Mi might be fashionable and have the best skin in the universe, but he can’t do miracles either.
Get a room you two, orders Donghae when Zhou Mi looks at Kyuhyun for a little too long. Kyuhyun sputters and protests we’re not even doing anything, but no one pays attention to him. Hyukjae arches an eyebrow pointedly, you make our teeth rot.
I want to hear all the dirty details, chirps Sungmin as he leaves the room he shares with Kyuhyun, to give the two some private time as he defines it. Kyuhyun insists they will just watch a movie and sleep, but he gets an eyeroll and a whatever from Sungmin, who slams the door shut to his face.
I’m happy for you, says Han Geng with his eyes when he looks straight at Zhou Mi. No one else notices but Zhou Mi smiles right back and he wonders if it’s possible to be almost too happy.
As conclusion, they have to admit they might be quite obvious with what’s going on. Kyuhyun just shrugs and sticks another piece of chicken into Zhou Mi’s mouth. He has taken to force-feeding him lately. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to look as massive as the whole of China right next to a stick thin boyfriend. In reality he might be a tiny little bit worried. And it makes Zhou Mi just love him more.
Heechul feels a little like a proud mother when he watches the two. If anyone listens to him, he swears it’s all his doing and he is the one who got them together in the first place. Of course he knows how it really went down but that hasn’t stopped him before and won’t stop him now. All the good things in the world happen because of him, he likes to say, and to humour him his friends agree. Maybe he isn’t so wrong about it, eventually.
At least Han Geng has to admit that Heechul is one of the few persons in the world who know him well enough to know when he just needs silent company instead of endless bickering. It’s quite relaxing, spending time together just the two of them like this. And when Heechul speaks, he doesn’t even expect an answer.
The silence has lasted long when Han Geng suddenly breaks it. “Do you think they’re happy?” He tilts his head back, rests it on the edge of the bed and looks up at Heechul. The other man is lying on the bed, his feet up in the air as he flips through a magazine.
“Who?” Heechul glances at his friend absent-mindedly, looks at his magazine again and closes it. When he turns toward Han Geng this time, he is fully focused on him. “Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi?” He arches an eyebrow but doesn’t wait for an answer. “Obviously.”
“That’s what I thought.” Han Geng nods, smiling. That is what he thought, what he hoped for. He feels kind of relieved that it’s not just his wistful thinking.
The next fifteen minutes he listens to Heechul moan about how the two are so unbearably and annoyingly devoted to each other. The fact is, they’re not even one of those annoying couples who underline their couple-ness every given opportunity and push it to everyone’s face. But that doesn’t make them any less obvious.
Kyuhyun doesn’t think anything of it when Zhou Mi says he is going to go bother Han Geng for a while. He knows what happened in the past and he knows it will stay in the past. Zhou Mi still goes to Han Geng whenever he needs someone to talk to and wants to slip back to his native tongue. Kyuhyun’s Chinese is still limited to a few charming phrases and ordering in the restaurant. He is working on it, but he knows it doesn’t make for an intelligent discussion.
This time, it takes uncharacteristically long. Kyuhyun is completely focused on his game until he makes a stupid mistake and ends up blown into pieces, which kind of ruins the mood. He groans as he stretches his back, the joints popping, and gets up to fetch himself something to drink from the fridge.
On his way to the kitchen he passes by the room Han Geng is staying in, and hears muted voices. He doesn’t know what makes him stop, much less what makes him sneak to the door and push it open a little to peek inside. What he sees makes his whole world stop turning.
Zhou Mi. With Han Geng.
It’s like from a bad movie. Kyuhyun freezes with his hand on the doorknob, hidden behind the frame, and watches. Han Geng has a hold of Zhou Mi’s thin wrists as he presses him against the wall, his leg nudged between Zhou Mi’s knees and … and they’re kissing, something urgent and desperate in the contact.
Kyuhyun flees and when the door falls shut with a thud, he can hear Zhou Mi’s breathy sigh.
Zhou Mi. Standing at his doorstep. “It was you, wasn’t it.” It’s a statement, not a question, and Kyuhyun just lets his head fall forward in a silent nod. He doesn’t move, doesn’t try to escape the confrontation he knows is inevitable at some point.
Carefully, his every movement slow and tentative, Zhou Mi sits down next to him on the bed. Kyuhyun avoids looking at him but he can feel those dark eyes studying his profile, scanning his face, and he hopes that it’s not too obvious how shaken he is. He splashed cold water on his face a moment ago, it was supposed to help.
“I’m sorry,” Zhou Mi’s voice is silent. Still there is a hint of determination laced within. “He, he is sorry too. And he apologized, right after …the kiss. After he kissed me.”
“So it’s not your fault? He kissed you, it’s over and I’m supposed to forget it?” Kyuhyun snaps, too angry to care that the logical part of his mind tells him that is probably how it really is. He didn’t see enough to know if it was anything more than a kiss. Yet it doesn’t hurt any less. “Tell me it meant nothing.” He demands in the same breath, his piercing gaze directed at the other man.
Zhou Mi doesn’t react for a good while. At first he avoids Kyuhyun’s gaze, dark from anger. And when their eyes meet his own are wide, clear with unshed tears. “It was a goodbye. He is leaving, Kyuhyun.” He whispers and his voice cracks in the end. “He is leaving.”
Kyuhyun sits, listens wordlessly when Zhou Mi tells him everything. Fear, exhaustion, pain, how everything just wasn’t quite worth it anymore. He knows these things aren’t meant for his ears, knows that Zhou Mi is sharing Han Geng’s most hidden secrets with him. Yet he can’t bring himself to say anything but listens, a part of him marvelling in the trust Zhou Mi places in him.
When Zhou Mi is done he just sits there, watching Kyuhyun. He is crying openly now, silent tears rolling down his cheeks while he makes no move to wipe them away. Something in Kyuhyun wants to jump up and run to Han Geng, yell at him or shake him, do anything to make him stay. Something in him wants to raise his voice and ask Zhou Mi if he is leaving, too; after all he is going through at least as much crap as Han Geng, even if in a different way.
He does neither of those. Instead he reaches out and pulls Zhou Mi to his chest, holding him close. After a hesitant pause thin arms wrap around his torso, squeezing him like a lifeline.
When Kyuhyun buries his face into Zhou Mi’s hair, it’s like he is wordlessly asking him to never leave. Zhou Mi responds by holding him a little tighter.
To Zhou Mi, it feels like a part of his life ends right there. Not in the devastating sort of way when you want to just curl up in bed and never get up again. Rather in the melancholy kind of way that makes you want to hold on to the past and not let go, to re-live the nostalgia. He doesn’t blame Han Geng. He knows the other man needs to do what is best for him, and he knows he isn’t the only one shaken by the turn of events.
When Zhou Mi came to Korea, the first person he met was Han Geng. He has never lived here without the other man to turn to. Having him right there, close by, is something like breathing for him. Something he took for granted for so long. He isn’t quite sure how things are supposed to go on from now on. Especially when he sees Heechul of all people get shaken up by it, moody and silent in a way he never was before.
Despite all promises to stay in contact, Zhou Mi knows he is losing a friend. At the same time he still has the rest of them. He has Kyuhyun. He isn’t going anywhere.
When Zhou Mi slips his hand into Kyuhyun’s, their fingers twined together, he has a definite feeling that everything will turn out fine. More than fine. He doesn’t need to force the positive attitude.
It is kind of bittersweet. Still, he smiles.
---
9348 words.
this was alternately called another fic that has disappointed becky with the lack of sex. now wouldn’t that have been an amazing title? 8D
I seriously just wanted a happy gengmi. but it obviously is not happening asjkngkn someone write me one. and I’m still not sure if I like the ending it’s all too sudden but it’s been fixed so many times I’m tired of it. deal with it ahsjki.
oh and I know I took factual liberties with it and the history isn’t completely correct.
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Author:
fonulynRating: PG13 (vague intercourse)
Pairing: Han Geng/Zhou Mi, Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi, Heechul, short appearances from like everyone
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Zhou Mi knew coming to Korea wouldn’t be easy. When he steps out of the aeroplane he is filled with enthusiasm, determination, worry, and a million other feelings he has no names for.
Comments: Uhm. I’m not sure what to say ;~; love me? ♥ This was born from my urges to write Gengmi but… of course I had to screw it up and make it Qmi. My life is sad. And I have a one-track mind. I’m dedicating this to
daidetre because she is plastictear for reading it and assuring me it’s worth sharing. I kind of feel like this is a bad time to post this, with all the stupid rumors about Geng's lawsuit but. Uhm. I started writing this like weeks ago. If not months haha.(2006)
Zhou Mi knew coming to Korea wouldn’t be easy. When he steps out of the aeroplane he is filled with enthusiasm, determination, worry, and a million other feelings he has no names for. He is still only learning Korean and although he managed to flirt with the flight attendant he knows he isn’t ready to survive on his own. Not quite yet. He knows someone is supposed to be there to meet him at the airport, but first he picks up his luggage and doesn’t hurry.
He breathes in. Korean air. Technically, air filled with diesel and burning rubber, turning into humidity and stench of sweat once he steps into the hangar. Still it feels different. Exhilarating. It feels like he’s just started an adventure and it makes his steps just a little bit bouncier despite the heaviness in his chest.
There is someone waiting for him with a ridiculous little sign saying Jomi and Zhou Mi thinks it’s kind of adorable. Only when he steps closer and is greeted by what appears to be one of the assistant managers, he notices another person standing two steps behind the first. It’s a tall man, hiding in a loose shirt, hat and sunglasses. Zhou Mi notices he’s being watched and instantly offers a bright smile and a bow. “Nice to meet you!” He tries in slightly faltering Korean.
“Nice to meet you, too, Zhou Mi.” The answer comes a heartbeat later. In perfect Mandarin. Zhou Mi can’t hold back his obvious surprise. He stares. The tall man grins as he takes off his sunglasses, an amused glint in his deep brown eyes. “Han Geng.”
That is when Zhou Mi nearly faints and has a slight seizure. He should’ve recognized this man! He had spent hours upon hours staring at posters or trading cards, googling images of the members of this group since he knew he was going to share a label with them. Super Junior. He had just met one of the Super Juniors.
It took him approximately fifteen seconds to gain back his sunshine smile and he launched off into a string of fluent Mandarin, happy to have someone he could talk with in his native language. Han Geng smiled, obviously amused. Maybe a part of him enjoyed it, too, more than he liked to show.
They soon get acquainted. They soon grow to be friends. It’s just so nice, hearing someone speak the same language you’ve known ever since you were a child. Even if they come from different provinces and the dialects vary, it’s still like heaven compared to the harsh sounds of Korean surrounding them the rest of the time. It’s not only the language that brings them closer together though. They simply tick the same way. They finish each other’s sentences before they even realize it.
Han Geng introduces Zhou Mi to a few of his friends. First and foremost he introduces him to Heechul, who is hospitalized after an accident that broke his leg into thousands of pieces. Heechul looks at Zhou Mi as if he can see right through him, to the darkest corners of his soul. A second later Heechul spreads his arms and announces he wants a hug. From both the gorgeous Chinese studs standing in the room, of course.
When Zhou Mi hugs Heechul he knows they will become good friends. When he fetches Heechul his tea a moment later (“the hospital coffee tastes like sweaty socks, who drinks that!?”) he knows they will be best friends forever. While Han Geng works Zhou Mi becomes Heechul’s personal assistant and he learns more about the other Chinese man than he ever heard during the weeks they’d known each other. Seems like Heechul knows all of his secrets. Everyone’s secrets.
Somehow Zhou Mi doesn’t mind sharing his with Heechul, either. He knows the most important ones will be safe. The rest… well who cares for the rest.
As much as Zhou Mi grows to love Heechul, the fierce and protective Heechul who stands up for him from the first second he meets him, it is never quite the same as he feels towards Han Geng. The connection is different, there is something else there. What it is, Zhou Mi doesn’t really know. Not before Han Geng kisses him.
It is late and Zhou Mi is brushing his teeth when there is a knock on the bathroom door. At first he thinks it’s one of the boys he shares the apartment with, but when a familiar voice calls through the door he stops in mid-movement. “Zhou Mi? Could we talk.” Han Geng doesn’t quite sound like himself, and that makes Zhou Mi worry. Quickly he spits the toothpaste into the sink and rinses his mouth, turning to open the door.
“It wasn’t locked,” he points out with a soft smile, meeting the older man’s eyes straight. There is something different there and that makes Zhou Mi hesitate, unsure how to react. Han Geng steps into the room and Zhou Mi backs up until his back hits the sink and stops him. He doesn’t know what to say, but thankfully he doesn’t need to say anything.
Han Geng steps in until their chests are almost touching and he never looks away. He cups Zhou Mi’s cheek in his palm, as if asking for permission and when Zhou Mi doesn’t pull away, Han Geng leans in and kisses him. The kiss tastes of peppermint toothpaste and stale coffee and something else Zhou Mi can’t quite place. Yet it makes something twitch in his stomach and he mewls as he leans in to deepen it.
His fingers tangle in Han Geng’s hair and he stops thinking altogether. There isn’t much talking involved. Not before they wake up in the early morning hours, tangled together and in the wrinkled sheets.
They don’t tell anyone.
It’s not difficult since Zhou Mi doesn’t even know half of Han Geng’s friends or group mates. He is just another Chinese trainee who is destined to be a part of some group sometime in the future. And he just happens to know Han Geng and spend time with him every now and then. Somehow Heechul still knows. He whacks Zhou Mi upside the head and tells him he’d better know what he’s doing. He smiles though and they all know he wants nothing more but his friends to be happy.
Happy is exactly the right word for it. Zhou Mi feels like he’s living a dream. He’s in a new country, he’s signed on a record label he never even thought would be reachable, he is chasing his dreams and on top of all that, he has found a man that makes him happy. Their time together isn’t much, not with the way Han Geng is busy and needs to work a lot, but they make the most of what they’ve got.
Zhou Mi hopes Han Geng is happy too. He knows the other man is under tremendous amount of pressure, but he also knows he enjoys what he does. It’s hard work but it’s worth it. Whenever Han Geng speaks about his work Zhou Mi soaks it all up, imprints everything into his memory. He knows it’s going to be his future too, if everything goes well. He is also going to be the Chinese person in a Korean group and he thinks this is a perfect opportunity to learn.
Sometimes, Zhou Mi doesn’t let Han Geng talk, though. Sometimes he makes him sit in front of the TV and brings him something to drink, sits behind him and massages his shoulders to get rid of every knot and locked muscle. He smiles when Han Geng groans approvingly, his head lolling backwards until he rests it on Zhou Mi’s shoulder. He whispers in Han Geng’s ear, asking him if he’d like something to eat. He allows his playful protests to fade as he is pinned down against the cushions, rather focusing on the hot mouth on his.
It is one of those moments when Han Geng tells him he loves him. The words make Zhou Mi’s heart skip a little and he kisses the other man, before snuggling his face into the crook of his neck. He was always the cuddlier type and with time, the other man learned that, indulging him. And maybe secretly enjoying it himself, as well. “It hasn’t even been a year since we met,” Zhou Mi murmurs lowly against the smooth, tanned skin.
It tickles a little and Han Geng chuckles. “Sometimes good things happen fast, despite what they say.” His long fingers trace a line up Zhou Mi’s spine before he flattens his palm between his shoulder blades. “You can’t believe how long it’s been since I last even had a relationship.” He groans theatrically, even rolling his eyes to emphasize his desperation and the sad lack in his love-life.
Zhou Mi laughs. “It isn’t easy being famous, now is it?” He rolls them both over, preventing the other man from answering. It was mostly rhetorical anyway.
(2007)
The car accident changes Kyuhyun’s whole life. His isn’t the only one. Even if some of the outcomes aren’t visible yet, not for years.
“There is someone I want you to meet,” Han Geng smiles as he gestures for Zhou Mi to follow him into the long, white corridor. Zhou Mi already knows who they’re visiting in the hospital, after all there has been no other topic for the past few weeks than the young boy whose life was almost cut short so tragically.
He has seen Kyuhyun in official photoshoots and posters, he has seen him smiling in music videos and commercials. The reality isn’t quite what he expected. He knew there would be less photoshop and more raw personality, but he is still taken aback. He stops at the door to the room, taking in his surroundings. Everything is so white. Even if the room is already scattered with manga, flowers, stuffed toys, even a laptop plugged in and ready to go right on the bedside table.
The boy lying in bed is what captures his attention, though. Kyuhyun looks so pale, so thin and so worn, and for a second Zhou Mi is afraid he might break him if he just breathes too harshly into his direction. Han Geng grabs his wrist though and tugs him into the room, smiling at the familiar patient. “How are you today?” He asks instantly, obviously a frequent visitor here.
“Bored stiff,” Kyuhyun groans instantly, rolling his eyes theatrically. “They still think I’m too fragile to even go pee without someone hovering behind my back.” That doesn’t exactly surprise Zhou Mi since he would probably be one to do the hovering, too. He isn’t certain if he’d even let this young man get up from bed.
Then, dark brown eyes are turned to his direction, a curious glint somewhere in the depths. Han Geng notices that and hurries to do the introductions. He uses Zhou Mi’s real name instead of the butchered Korean version, and Kyuhyun repeats it without problems. “So you’re the beanpole Heechul always talks about,” Kyuhyun remarks, obviously amused, “he knows no other topic.”
That makes Zhou Mi laugh, his eyes sparkling. “I am so sorry. I’m sure you must be fed up already. Should I leave?” He jokes, making a move towards the door.
The laughter he gains in response is musical, almost makes his world stop for a second. He never expected so much life from such a fragile looking creature. “Thanks for the offer. You may stay. I was looking forward to something new anyway.”
Zhou Mi and Han Geng exchange matching grins as they take seats in the awkward plastic chairs next to the bed.
During the following weeks Zhou Mi spends hours and hours in the hospital. Sometimes he brings Kyuhyun flowers but he soon learns that Kyuhyun makes faces at those and whines that he would’ve much rather wanted something else instead. Like chocolate. Or cakes. Or some food that doesn’t taste like charcoal mixed with mud scraped off your boots. Or maybe the new PC game he saw on TV and should be in stores already.
Zhou Mi tells him to suck it up. The next time he brings him chocolate. The gleeful look in Kyuhyun’s eyes is thanks enough and he even gladly folds himself in the too small chair even if it means his limbs will be asleep rather sooner than later. Somehow, after a few visits they graduate from him sitting in one of those godawful chairs to him sitting on Kyuhyun’s bed instead, pointing out interesting things on TV while the younger man ignores him in favour of his laptop.
As strange as it might be, they both enjoy it.
“I brought you something special today!” Zhou Mi announces as he waltzes into the room, a bright grin like stuck on his face. It’s only two weeks and Kyuhyun will be discharged and he thinks it’s good enough reason to celebrate. He made the decision on a whim as he passed by the stores on his way, and he is practically vibrating with excitement over his idea.
Kyuhyun’s eyes lighten up at the words, a smile stretching over his lips. “Something special? Now if I didn’t know you’re such a prude and never break rules – oh holy shit I love you!” He claps his hands in excitement as Zhou Mi reveals the logo of a fast food place on the bag he is holding. There is no better way to make a hospitalized person happy than bringing him food, he knows this. He didn’t know what Kyuhyun would like so he picked different kinds of snacks, trusting there would be something good in there.
“I didn’t know what you like,” he begins as he approaches the bed and plops to sit down on it, only to have the bag practically torn off his fingers.
“I don’t care!” Kyuhyun claims. “I love everything. Everything.” He sounds slightly psychotic but then again, who could blame him. Especially when he looks so adorable stuffing his face with the treats. He almost looks like a hamster, trying to store food in his mouth until his cheeks are puffed and Zhou Mi doesn’t even know how he manages to chew.
“You could slow down…” he suggests, amused. “The food isn’t going to disappear.”
Kyuhyun gives him a sceptical look. “It might. You might eat it.” He points out, his mouth full of something that once might’ve been a pizza-roll. He still holds the brown paper bag close to his chest as if it’s his most prized possession.
“Maybe,” Zhou Mi smiles sweetly. The next second he reaches out and snatches the bag from Kyuhyun’s grasp. He receives an indignant yelp and a pout as a response, but it doesn’t stop him from digging out a soup bun to sink his teeth into it. “These are good,” he sing-songs, smiling smugly.
“I hate you,” Kyuhyun growls as he re-claims the food bag.
Zhou Mi just grins. “I love you too.”
He ignores the tiny voice in his head that laughs at him and tells him that yes he does, a little too much.
It is late in the evening when Han Geng comes back from an extra rehearsal for their upcoming show. Zhou Mi gets them take out and re-heats it twice, before he realizes that he is acting like an idiot and stops. He tries to focus on reading but he has been working so hard on his own training, using up every free moment to visit the hospital, that he doesn’t last for long.
When the front door opens he doesn’t even realize, curled up on the couch with the open book still in his hand. Only when there are cool fingers pressed against the side of his neck he startles, scrambling up to a seated position as he tries to blink the sleep off his eyes. “Uhm. I. I didn’t think you were coming anymore.” He admits as he realizes who it is, giving the other man a soft smile.
Han Geng smiles back, dark circles under his eyes and tiredness visible on his features. “When did we even see last? It’s almost a week ago.” Six days, Zhou Mi fills in inwardly but doesn’t say anything out loud. “I’m sorry I could only make it so late.” Han Geng crouches down in front of the couch, placing his arms on the other man’s knees.
“It’s not your fault,” Zhou Mi means it. He knows that the schedule is insane and that it’s nothing Han Geng can change. He goes where he needs to go, does what he needs to do, and there aren’t many alternatives. “Are you hungry? I got us some Beijing Duck,” he grins at the bad joke. It’s enough to draw tired chuckles from the older Chinese man.
They move over to the kitchen, sitting on the opposite sides of the countertop as they eat the re-heated food. The duck is dry, the rice is sticky, but it’s still edible enough. They hardly see anymore these days and when they do – like now – they are too tired to even speak much. It makes something sting in Zhou Mi’s heart but he doesn’t say anything. A part of him is afraid that if he voices it out loud, it will make it real.
“You spend a lot of time at the hospital,” Han Geng opens the conversation. It isn’t an accusation, merely an observation, with even a hint of a question in it.
Zhou Mi shrugs. “I like him. And he needs someone. It’s unbearably boring in there, you wouldn’t believe.” He knows that Heechul has made it very clear how boring hospitals are, though. That flashes through both their minds and they have to grin at the thought.
“You’ve always been kind hearted,” Han Geng smiles. “I’m sure Kyuhyun appreciates the company.”
Kind hearted. Inwardly Zhou Mi thinks it might go beyond that. But he smiles back.
The day Kyuhyun is discharged from the hospital everyone is like hyped up on too much sugar and there is no chance for him to even talk with anyone properly. It’s like Kyuhyun is a newborn baby everyone wants to hold and coo at, until he is so exhausted he only drops into bed. Zhou Mi is there at the welcome home party but he only talks to Heechul and Han Geng, and Ryeowook who seems determined to make friends with him.
The next day, Kyuhyun kisses Zhou Mi. In the corridor, where anyone might see.
It’s a slide of soft, slightly chapped lips against his own and no matter how loudly a part of Zhou Mi’s brain screams it’s wrong, he can’t pull back. He sighs lowly into the contact, angling his head to meet it, and only when Kyuhyun brings a palm up to cup his cheek he jolts back from it.
Kyuhyun is watching him from dark eyes, hooded with something unidentifiable with a hint of curiosity laced within. It makes something in Zhou Mi’s chest clench and he scrambles backwards until his back hits the wall. He is certain there is a wild, borderline panicking look in his eyes since Kyuhyun gives him a soft, sad smile.
”I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun avoids his eyes, pointedly, as he twists the hem of his shirt in his long fingers.
Zhou Mi feels his heart do another painful collision against the pit of his stomach. ”Don’t be,” he whispers. “Don’t be.” He doesn’t know what else to say. Hey, you know, I might be developing feelings for you but I actually have a boyfriend, even if we can’t tell the world and need to keep it hidden but a boyfriend nevertheless, and I just can’t do this to him?
There is a heavy silence between them, and Zhou Mi isn’t surprised when it’s Kyuhyun who breaks it finally. “Is there something between you and Hankyung?” It sounds like a statement more than a question. Kyuhyun is looking straight at him and Zhou Mi can’t bring himself to lie.
“Yeah,” he agrees with a nod. Yes, his mind provides even further, guilt banging against the back of his skull. There is something and he is rapidly ruining that something by developing unwanted feelings for someone he should’ve taken only as a brother. Logically, he knows that things between him and Han Geng have been going south for long now, but the optimist in him refuses to acknowledge it, the romantic in him doesn’t want to let go.
He almost tells Kyuhyun that, already opening his mouth to speak. Kyuhyun seems to interpret his hesitance in a different way, since he quickly cuts him off. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell.” He nods, raising his hand as if he is swearing an oath.
Zhou Mi forces a smile.
It is only a few days later when Heechul corners Zhou Mi and tells him he wants to talk. In private. That already sounds kind of ominous, especially when Heechul adds that he will bring the booze. Three hours later they’re sitting in Heechul’s room, cross legged on Heechul’s bed, with a bottle of vodka between them. Heechul ditches the glasses, deciding they can as well drink straight from the bottle. It’s manlier, he says with a grin.
There is surprisingly little talking for the first half an hour and they manage to destroy quite a lot alcohol. Maybe it’s that, the fact it makes their heads spin and causes slight dizziness, but when Heechul speaks up he goes straight to the point. Then again, Heechul has always been one to go straight to the point. “You and Hannie. There’s something wrong, right?”
Zhou Mi has always thought that it’s only in romantic novels and stupid movies where one feels his heart do weird somersaults in his chest. But right now, his stops beating for a good while and he momentarily forgets how to breathe. It only lasts for a couple of seconds – a couple of very, very long seconds – and he smiles again, aiming for nonchalance. “I… don’t know what you mean?”
“Don’t even try to give me that crap.” Heechul nearly spits the words out and rolls his eyes. He knocks back another drink – or another long sip from the bottle to be more exact. Afterwards he looks straight into Zhou Mi’s eyes. “He’s been distracted lately. You’ve been acting weird lately.”
“We don’t really see much these days,” Zhou Mi ventures carefully. He tries to say something without saying anything and it’s never easy, especially not with a perceptive listener who is ready to rip apart every single lie he’s trying to pass as the truth. “And when we do… we just have dinner. Or watch TV.” He shrugs.
Heechul looks at him for a moment and one can almost see his mind work. “When did you last have sex?” It’s a valid question, but Zhou Mi just sputters, unable to come up with anything intelligent to say to that. Turns out he doesn’t even need to, since he is silenced with a hand gesture. “That’s answer enough.” Heechul sighs. “You’re obviously not fighting and you don’t hate each other. Which only leaves one possible conclusion.”
Now that is enough to make Zhou Mi curious. If his life is so easy to figure out he wants to hear the conclusion too. Maybe it would sort out some things for him as well. “Which is?” He asks, leaning in to snatch the bottle from Heechul’s fingers.
“You’re friends.” Heechul replies.
Zhou Mi is almost disappointed. He grimaces. “That’s stupid, Heechul. We’ve been friends for years.” He takes a long sip of alcohol, enjoying the slow burn of it on his tongue and down his throat. It’s like it’s the only thing that matters for a moment.
Heechul growls, frustrated. “Only friends.” He puts the right amount of emphasis on the words.
Zhou Mi just stares.
Nothing changes. Not really. Zhou Mi and Han Geng are still caught in their awkward almost-relationship and no amount of eyerolls and subtle mocking from Heechul changes that. If something changes, it’s that day by day they’re turning more into friends and less lovers. They still spend time together, just the two of them, but they’re content just chatting or keeping each other company.
What makes Zhou Mi startle is when he realizes he doesn’t even feel the urge to touch Han Geng, not anymore. Not like he used to. When he looks at the older man he sees a person he trusts, a person he would go down fighting for. But not a person he wants to possess, a person he wants to spend his nights with.
Zhou Mi ignores it. Desperately he pretends everything is as it used to be. Stubbornly he ignores the nagging voice in the back of his skull.
After the upcoming debut of SJM is announced to them and the members participating in it are picked, things get a lot more hectic. There are still several months before the official first performance but before that there is so much to do, so much to prepare. Suddenly, Zhou Mi knows he is going to be in the same group with Han Geng, even if it’s only a subgroup. It will have a lot of air time though, a lot of promotional activities and it also means considerably much more time together.
Not just for the two of them. Zhou Mi doesn’t admit it to anyone, not even himself, but when he hears Kyuhyun’s name amongst the SJM members he smiles a little wider and his step gets a little lighter.
Sometimes Zhou Mi gets to hang out backstage when Super Junior is performing. He likes to think of it as preparations too, the way he sees how things are done and how everyone knows their own place. It’s a fascinating concept and he would take notes if he didn’t know it would seem a little insane. Inwardly he does, anyway, in his mind.
It’s right before the encore when he stands to the side so he can see to the stage without being seen, sees a glimpse of the audience. Hears the fanchants. One by one, the names of all the members are mentioned, until it’s time for Kyuhyun’s. He feels strangely proud when he hears the fans scream, even though he knows it doesn’t make any sense.
Kyuhyun is right there next to him and he is smiling. There is something off in his smile though, and just when Zhou Mi is about to ask he speaks up instead. “Hear that?” Kyuhyun’s voice is dripping with sarcasm, but that is not all. He sounds strangely melancholy. “Now they accept me. I only had to almost die for it.”
Zhou Mi doesn’t know what to say. Partly because he is stunned. Partly because he has the incredibly strong urge to hug Kyuhyun and hold him close, to kiss away his worries and to make him forget there is anything else in the world but the two of them. He almost moves in for the hug but the moment is broken when Kyuhyun turns to look at him and smiles. “I’m sorry. I. I appreciate what I got. It’s like a second chance,” he looks back out to the audience, knowing he has to go back in a moment. “Still I wish it could have been different.”
Zhou Mi nods. Kyuhyun gives him a small nudge on the ribs before he slips off. Zhou Mi just stands there and looks into the sapphire blue ocean. He doesn’t know what he feels. He has never felt like this before. And it scares him. Stubbornly he ignores it.
(2008)
It’s been months. Zhou Mi has never been this good at pretending, at ignoring things. If anyone asks about it, he still insists nothing is wrong and things are exactly like before. He knows those words have been a lie for months now. Nothing is wrong, per se. There are no fights, there is no bad blood between them, there is nothing that indicates anything could be wrong. Not that anyone except Heechul and Kyuhyun even know that there was something to begin with. Now? Now it’s considerably easier to pretend. After all, there is nothing to cover.
Zhou Mi can’t even remember the last time they slept in the same bed. Much less when they shared something else that didn’t consist of only talking or handholding. Zhou Mi misses the past. He doesn’t know how to get back to it. Sadly, he thinks, there probably is no way for that.
It doesn’t come as a surprise to either one of them when Han Geng speaks up over a shared cup of coffee in the morning. “We should stop pretending this is anything more than it is.” He sounds sad, somewhat resigned, and when he smiles at the younger man there is just honesty and raw vulnerability there. Nothing of malicious content.
Zhou Mi’s heart sinks and takes residence in the pit of his stomach and he bites his lower lip softly, avoiding the other man’s gaze. He knew this was coming. He knows it’s the only thing left for them to do. Still it doesn’t make him any less sad. Letting go was never easy. Especially not after what they shared was genuine. “I know,” he sighs. ”We’ll still be friends, right?” Usually it might be a cliché, something that was said but would never happen.
“Of course,” Han Geng smiles softly. It is the moment when they both acknowledge they have been only friends for a long now. Nothing stops them from staying friends when they’re hardly anything more anyway. The deeper feelings have faded, even if neither of them knows when. Neither of them knows where. How.
Han Geng leans over the table and Zhou Mi tastes coffee on his tongue. The kiss is like a soft breeze from the past, like a reminder of how things used to be. There is no reason to be bitter. They can look back to what they had and smile.
Still, when Han Geng’s fingers brush against Zhou Mi’s cheek, down his neck, he feels something inside of him die a little.
It’s time for him to learn. Go on, no fear.
Then it happens. The great day of debut. The date that will be forever etched into Zhou Mi’s memory as the day he officially took the first public step of this journey. It would have been a lie to say that Zhou Mi had thought it’d be all sunshine and roses but he is still surprised. People are just that much more cruel than he expected, the reaction is that much more negative, and he isn’t certain how he is supposed to react to that.
So he smiles.
That is what he does the best. He smiles and talks, he pretends nothing is wrong and drowns the hurt in being even more active than usual. It’s not all bad. He loves everyone in his group, he loves standing on stage in front of the audience, he loves singing, he loves planning his outfits, he loves even the random things they have to do in variety shows. It’s only when he reads an insulting message, when someone tells him to go die, when he wants to run.
He is stronger than that. He refuses to let go, he refuses to give in. He can drown the hate in love. He can turn the frowns into smiles. And if it takes years then be it, that is the price he is willing to pay.
Zhou Mi always believed attitude is the most important weapon a person has. He turns his face towards the light instead of the shadow.
It helps to know he is not alone. Henry is in it together with him and they both draw strength in knowing there’s someone who knows what it’s like. Donghae is always ready for a chat or a random video game to distract him. Siwon acts like a concerned father and does everything he can to make things better. Ryeowook is the person anyone feels comfortable talking to, who believes in fixing everything with good food.
Then there are Han Geng and Kyuhyun. Han Geng is the one he goes to when he needs to talk, when he needs someone who understands him and knows how he functions. They might not be sleeping together anymore but it doesn’t mean he trusts the other man any less and he knows it’s mutual. While Kyuhyun probably doesn’t even realize how much support he gives, unconditionally. He is always there to lean on, even if they might spend a whole evening in the same room without saying a single word to each other.
Sometimes Zhou Mi wonders what is coming of his life. But one thing is for certain. He is willing to work for his dreams and he has the most amazing people possible around him.
On the relationship front, nothing changes. Zhou Mi doesn’t want to run from one to another, and he feels he needs time for himself. It is kind of nice to know he can stand on his own two feet and is in charge of his own life. For months he is so busy with everything work related that he doesn’t even remember it, too focused on perfecting every single performance, every single recorded track.
Finally they end up on a break, the whole group travelling back to Korea even if Zhou Mi and Henry don’t have promotional activities for a while. Heechul kidnaps Zhou Mi the second he steps in through the door, announcing that he deserves some quality time with his Seasoning. He doesn’t listen to any complaints, only stopping for long enough to hug Donghae and to tell Han Geng his turn would follow.
Somehow, Zhou Mi feels he has lived this before. Again he is sitting on Heechul’s bed, facing him, a bottle of vodka between them. Except this time there are snacks too and there is a lot more laughter as Zhou Mi animatedly tells Heechul everything about what has happened since they last talked. Already Donghae manages to get into at least a dozen interesting situations a day in a foreign country when he doesn’t know the language more than just enough to say my darling babies.
“I almost wish I was a part of that goddamn China-group,” Heechul laughs when Zhou Mi finishes. “Sounds like you have enough entertainment on the house.” They both know that Heechul could’ve been a part of the group if he had insisted and pushed hard enough, but he is quite happy with what activities he has as it is.
“So,” Heechul swaps topics easily, throwing a smirk at the other man. “Now that you’re not limited by Hannie anymore, is there a hot stud in your life I should know of?” After two salted peanuts and a swing of vodka later he adds, thoughtfully. “Or maybe a less-hot and painfully awkward gamer nerd?”
The addition makes Zhou Mi blush despite himself and he coughs, trying to cover his reaction with a mouthful of chips. “No. There’s no time for such things!” He tries, licking the salt off his lips. “I haven’t even been thinking of anything of sorts. It’s been so busy.” That is not even a lie, since his mind has been fully occupied by work.
Heechul sighs, disappointed. “Aw. I thought you would’ve managed to make a move already.”
“It’s not about that,” Zhou Mi looks right back at his friend, honest. “I’m not lonely.” He has amazing friends around him and if one of them makes him feel a little like a giddy teenager, or makes occasional butterflies swarm in the pit of his stomach, it’s not that serious.
“I know,” Heechul smiles, “but it doesn’t mean you couldn’t actually act on your feelings, you know.”
“How is it possible you always know what is going on in my mind?” Zhou Mi can’t help but ask. It seems like Heechul knows more about his life than he does himself, always bringing up topics he thinks he’s kept well hidden. Then again, Heechul is easily one of the most perceptive persons he knows so maybe he just is that good at piecing things together.
“I am just that good,” the answer comes with a cocky smirk. “I know you. And when one knows what to look for… it’s surprisingly easy to find answers. And seriously, no one would blame you if you’d move on!”
“I already moved on, long ago,” Zhou Mi waves aside, grinning. He guides the conversation to safer topics easily enough. Even though Heechul laughs at his stories, Zhou Mi knows he’s been caught when he mentions Kyuhyun’s name for the seventh time within half an hour. He isn’t sure if he just imagines the mocking glint in Heechul’s eyes but he is pretty sure he doesn’t.
Sometimes, Zhou Mi thinks that his life has the oddest sense of timing in the world. There is hardly a few days after Heechul starts nagging him about his love-life – or lack thereof – before he is cornered about the same topic again. This time, by none other than Kyuhyun.
It takes him completely by surprise. It’s like any other evening they spend at the dorms, without any promotional activities for once. Kyuhyun sits on his bed with his laptop propped up on his thighs, focusing on some annoyingly loud game. Zhou Mi has learned long ago to just ignore the noise and he is lying on the other end of the bed, fiddling with his phone, one earpiece stuffed in as he listens to the latest catchy pop songs he’s downloaded.
It’s quite late and they’ve been busy again, so it’s no wonder that Zhou Mi starts to drift off at one point, nearly drooling on the bedsheets as his head drops forward. He only startles awake when someone gently takes the phone off his hand and untangles his fingers from the chord of the music player. He blinks sleepily, only to notice Kyuhyun has put away his laptop and is now kneeling on the bed in front of him.
“I thought you were sleeping,” he admits, seeming a little bit awkward as if he hadn’t wanted to wake Zhou Mi up. Which shouldn’t be a problem to begin with, seeing that it’s Kyuhyun’s bed they’re both on, and he should’ve just kicked Zhou Mi off it the moment he started drooping sleepily. Zhou Mi assures him it’s fine and struggles to sit up as well. He is rubbing sleep out of his eyes, hardly able to suppress a yawn, when Kyuhyun speaks up again.
“What happened with you two?” He looks more than curious, meeting Zhou Mi’s eyes straight. It’s obviously something that has been on his mind for longer and he wouldn’t have even asked if he had thought it’d be inappropriate. Considering how close they’ve grown, it can’t exactly be considered a rude question.
For a second Zhou Mi considers opting for just dodging the question. Then he sighs, leaning back against the cool wall. “We broke up.” Because I was falling in love with you and because I couldn’t handle things anymore, and because we somehow slid back to being friends without even knowing, he adds inwardly but never voices out loud.
Something almost angry flashes in Kyuhyun’s eyes and he can’t hold back a frown that ghosts over his features. “And you didn’t care to tell me?” He sounds vaguely accusing although he tries hard to cover it. Zhou Mi feels a little sting of guilt but somehow he never thought it was that essential. Or it was, always was. But he still feels that if he runs to Kyuhyun to tell him he’s single it’s like saying I’m here now take me!
Zhou Mi apologizes. He honestly means it. Kyuhyun has been there for him, has always offered a shoulder to lean on, and he owes him at least honesty. He almost lets his biggest secret slip right then and there, but before he can tell Kyuhyun how he feels, he is pulled into a tight hug.
He smiles as he hugs back, tucks his chin on Kyuhyun’s shoulder and buries his nose in his hair.
Most of the time, Zhou Mi is very good at focusing on the good things. He spots the one smiling face in the crowd in the midst of the frowns, he hears the one cheer in the silent hall, and he is happy with that. He knows it’s not the quantity, it’s the quality, and he has supportive and loyal fans. It has even gone to the lengths that he is almost friends with a couple of them, the girls following him at the airports and whenever they’re promoting.
Sometimes, it still gets to him. Sometimes, he feels like crying and wants to punch the walls, wants to ask what he did to deserve all this. It’s unfair and although he copes, he isn’t certain if he can keep it up forever. Things seem to get marginally better, at least, and he puts his hopes to that. Still, in the darkness of the night, he can’t hide his moments of weakness.
Being a genuinely happy person doesn’t mean he’d be exempt of sadness all the time. Unfortunately. But there are ways to deal with even the negative emotions. Sometimes he goes on a shopping spree and no one even notices, since he tends to do that when he’s particularly happy as well. Sometimes he goes out with friends, sometimes he spends hours online listing the designer bags he once wants to own.
Sometimes he buys ice cream and pastries and uses them to lure Kyuhyun in to watch romantic comedies with him. It’s something he figured out a long ago, already at the hospital during the hours they spent together: if you want Kyuhyun to do something, you bribe him with food. Always works.
When they’re almost at the end of the five hour marathon of the latest romantic drama, Zhou Mi’s head resting on Kyuhyun’s shoulder, things look a lot brighter again. Kyuhyun is still snacking on the tiny dumplings, occasionally reaching for the bubble tea to slurp it loudly. They both know he is happy for the main couple when they finally get each other, even if he protests loudly and exclaims he knew this was going to happen five minutes into the first episode.
Zhou Mi hides a smile against the other man’s shirt.
(2009)
Zhou Mi hits his head against the window when the van drives straight over a bump in the road. Automatically he brings his hand up to see if there’s a bump, although the reasonable part of him knows it’s of course completely ridiculous. The hit was barely enough to wake him up. He blinks sleepily as he takes in their surroundings, in the flashing of the street lights. That is the only source of light in there anyway, and it’s way past their bedtime, so most of them have opted for sleep.
Not quite everyone though. Kyuhyun is sitting right next to him wide awake, focused on his handheld console as he’s hunched strangely in his seat. For a moment Zhou Mi considers trying to sleep again, but forgets all about that when the younger man looks up at him. “Oh. You’re awake.” Kyuhyun’s voice is a mere whisper, not to wake up their friends, as soft as the smile gracing his lips.
“Bumped my head,” Zhou Mi answers, amused. He brushes a strand of hair off his face, but it doesn’t help since it drops right back the next second. “I don’t think I can sleep anymore.” He gives a one-shouldered shrug.
Kyuhyun grins, not even looking at his DS as he flips it closed. “Be happy it was just your head. It’s hard enough to take the hit.” It’s a conversation they can waltz through eyes closed and backwards whenever they want, more than familiar. Zhou Mi makes sure he exaggerates generously as he fakes silent laughter, rolling his eyes right after.
They drive past a street light and it makes Kyuhyun’s eyes flash. That is the last thing Zhou Mi registers before Kyuhyun leans in and presses their lips together. It’s a slow kiss, only lips on lips but definitely more than a friendly peck you might give as a joke. There is a warm feeling in Zhou Mi’s chest, pooling in his stomach, and he tilts his head as a response.
When Kyuhyun pulls back he is smiling. “I think it’s been long enough now.” He chuckles as he notices the baffled expression on Zhou Mi’s face, reaching to brush his thumb over his smooth cheek. “I’ve been a good boy, haven’t I? I’ve given you time and space. Now,” he smirks and for a second he looks like a mischievous boy. Which he still is, Zhou Mi adds. “I think it’s your turn to give me a chance.”
They lean in for another kiss and Zhou Mi could swear the rays of sunshine and happiness might burst him any second.
Unlike Zhou Mi’s previous attempt at a relationship, there is no chance for them to keep this a secret. From the world, yes. From their friends, never in a million years. They don’t think anything is different but it doesn’t take long and the remarks begin. Obviously they are much more… obvious than they think.
Be careful, you two, pleads Siwon who is the first one to bring it up. Heechul rolls his eyes, you don’t need to lecture them about safe sex, idiot. Siwon sulks for a while but shuts up about it.
Make room for the lovebirds, says Henry when he makes Donghae scoot over on the couch so that Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun can sit next to one another.
Do you want your dessert on one plate or two? asks Ryeowook when he deals out the cake, and makes everyone laugh since they know one plate means no cake for Zhou Mi.
Stop staring at each other dreamily on stage, snaps Heechul on the phone, accompanied by a few clicks as he opens the next fancam on youtube, it causes so much second hand embarrassment I’m dying.
Good, laughs Shindong, grinning, this means the end to Kyuhyun’s skin problems and bad taste in clothing. The others tell him to stop being so optimistic. Zhou Mi might be fashionable and have the best skin in the universe, but he can’t do miracles either.
Get a room you two, orders Donghae when Zhou Mi looks at Kyuhyun for a little too long. Kyuhyun sputters and protests we’re not even doing anything, but no one pays attention to him. Hyukjae arches an eyebrow pointedly, you make our teeth rot.
I want to hear all the dirty details, chirps Sungmin as he leaves the room he shares with Kyuhyun, to give the two some private time as he defines it. Kyuhyun insists they will just watch a movie and sleep, but he gets an eyeroll and a whatever from Sungmin, who slams the door shut to his face.
I’m happy for you, says Han Geng with his eyes when he looks straight at Zhou Mi. No one else notices but Zhou Mi smiles right back and he wonders if it’s possible to be almost too happy.
As conclusion, they have to admit they might be quite obvious with what’s going on. Kyuhyun just shrugs and sticks another piece of chicken into Zhou Mi’s mouth. He has taken to force-feeding him lately. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to look as massive as the whole of China right next to a stick thin boyfriend. In reality he might be a tiny little bit worried. And it makes Zhou Mi just love him more.
Heechul feels a little like a proud mother when he watches the two. If anyone listens to him, he swears it’s all his doing and he is the one who got them together in the first place. Of course he knows how it really went down but that hasn’t stopped him before and won’t stop him now. All the good things in the world happen because of him, he likes to say, and to humour him his friends agree. Maybe he isn’t so wrong about it, eventually.
At least Han Geng has to admit that Heechul is one of the few persons in the world who know him well enough to know when he just needs silent company instead of endless bickering. It’s quite relaxing, spending time together just the two of them like this. And when Heechul speaks, he doesn’t even expect an answer.
The silence has lasted long when Han Geng suddenly breaks it. “Do you think they’re happy?” He tilts his head back, rests it on the edge of the bed and looks up at Heechul. The other man is lying on the bed, his feet up in the air as he flips through a magazine.
“Who?” Heechul glances at his friend absent-mindedly, looks at his magazine again and closes it. When he turns toward Han Geng this time, he is fully focused on him. “Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi?” He arches an eyebrow but doesn’t wait for an answer. “Obviously.”
“That’s what I thought.” Han Geng nods, smiling. That is what he thought, what he hoped for. He feels kind of relieved that it’s not just his wistful thinking.
The next fifteen minutes he listens to Heechul moan about how the two are so unbearably and annoyingly devoted to each other. The fact is, they’re not even one of those annoying couples who underline their couple-ness every given opportunity and push it to everyone’s face. But that doesn’t make them any less obvious.
Kyuhyun doesn’t think anything of it when Zhou Mi says he is going to go bother Han Geng for a while. He knows what happened in the past and he knows it will stay in the past. Zhou Mi still goes to Han Geng whenever he needs someone to talk to and wants to slip back to his native tongue. Kyuhyun’s Chinese is still limited to a few charming phrases and ordering in the restaurant. He is working on it, but he knows it doesn’t make for an intelligent discussion.
This time, it takes uncharacteristically long. Kyuhyun is completely focused on his game until he makes a stupid mistake and ends up blown into pieces, which kind of ruins the mood. He groans as he stretches his back, the joints popping, and gets up to fetch himself something to drink from the fridge.
On his way to the kitchen he passes by the room Han Geng is staying in, and hears muted voices. He doesn’t know what makes him stop, much less what makes him sneak to the door and push it open a little to peek inside. What he sees makes his whole world stop turning.
Zhou Mi. With Han Geng.
It’s like from a bad movie. Kyuhyun freezes with his hand on the doorknob, hidden behind the frame, and watches. Han Geng has a hold of Zhou Mi’s thin wrists as he presses him against the wall, his leg nudged between Zhou Mi’s knees and … and they’re kissing, something urgent and desperate in the contact.
Kyuhyun flees and when the door falls shut with a thud, he can hear Zhou Mi’s breathy sigh.
Zhou Mi. Standing at his doorstep. “It was you, wasn’t it.” It’s a statement, not a question, and Kyuhyun just lets his head fall forward in a silent nod. He doesn’t move, doesn’t try to escape the confrontation he knows is inevitable at some point.
Carefully, his every movement slow and tentative, Zhou Mi sits down next to him on the bed. Kyuhyun avoids looking at him but he can feel those dark eyes studying his profile, scanning his face, and he hopes that it’s not too obvious how shaken he is. He splashed cold water on his face a moment ago, it was supposed to help.
“I’m sorry,” Zhou Mi’s voice is silent. Still there is a hint of determination laced within. “He, he is sorry too. And he apologized, right after …the kiss. After he kissed me.”
“So it’s not your fault? He kissed you, it’s over and I’m supposed to forget it?” Kyuhyun snaps, too angry to care that the logical part of his mind tells him that is probably how it really is. He didn’t see enough to know if it was anything more than a kiss. Yet it doesn’t hurt any less. “Tell me it meant nothing.” He demands in the same breath, his piercing gaze directed at the other man.
Zhou Mi doesn’t react for a good while. At first he avoids Kyuhyun’s gaze, dark from anger. And when their eyes meet his own are wide, clear with unshed tears. “It was a goodbye. He is leaving, Kyuhyun.” He whispers and his voice cracks in the end. “He is leaving.”
Kyuhyun sits, listens wordlessly when Zhou Mi tells him everything. Fear, exhaustion, pain, how everything just wasn’t quite worth it anymore. He knows these things aren’t meant for his ears, knows that Zhou Mi is sharing Han Geng’s most hidden secrets with him. Yet he can’t bring himself to say anything but listens, a part of him marvelling in the trust Zhou Mi places in him.
When Zhou Mi is done he just sits there, watching Kyuhyun. He is crying openly now, silent tears rolling down his cheeks while he makes no move to wipe them away. Something in Kyuhyun wants to jump up and run to Han Geng, yell at him or shake him, do anything to make him stay. Something in him wants to raise his voice and ask Zhou Mi if he is leaving, too; after all he is going through at least as much crap as Han Geng, even if in a different way.
He does neither of those. Instead he reaches out and pulls Zhou Mi to his chest, holding him close. After a hesitant pause thin arms wrap around his torso, squeezing him like a lifeline.
When Kyuhyun buries his face into Zhou Mi’s hair, it’s like he is wordlessly asking him to never leave. Zhou Mi responds by holding him a little tighter.
To Zhou Mi, it feels like a part of his life ends right there. Not in the devastating sort of way when you want to just curl up in bed and never get up again. Rather in the melancholy kind of way that makes you want to hold on to the past and not let go, to re-live the nostalgia. He doesn’t blame Han Geng. He knows the other man needs to do what is best for him, and he knows he isn’t the only one shaken by the turn of events.
When Zhou Mi came to Korea, the first person he met was Han Geng. He has never lived here without the other man to turn to. Having him right there, close by, is something like breathing for him. Something he took for granted for so long. He isn’t quite sure how things are supposed to go on from now on. Especially when he sees Heechul of all people get shaken up by it, moody and silent in a way he never was before.
Despite all promises to stay in contact, Zhou Mi knows he is losing a friend. At the same time he still has the rest of them. He has Kyuhyun. He isn’t going anywhere.
When Zhou Mi slips his hand into Kyuhyun’s, their fingers twined together, he has a definite feeling that everything will turn out fine. More than fine. He doesn’t need to force the positive attitude.
It is kind of bittersweet. Still, he smiles.
---
9348 words.
this was alternately called another fic that has disappointed becky with the lack of sex. now wouldn’t that have been an amazing title? 8D
I seriously just wanted a happy gengmi. but it obviously is not happening asjkngkn someone write me one. and I’m still not sure if I like the ending it’s all too sudden but it’s been fixed so many times I’m tired of it. deal with it ahsjki.
oh and I know I took factual liberties with it and the history isn’t completely correct.
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