rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 07:45 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 07:45 pm
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Title: I Still Love Him
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: PG
Pairing: Die x Kaoru
Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of the persons mentioned in this nor have any connections with them. I do NOT get any money from this, and it's written solely for entertainment purposes meaning no harm.
Comments: This is a kind of sequel for Hurt . I was a bit depressed, and I had to finish this one. Well, Die is the one suffering again. I really have no idea why it is always him who has to go through all this shit. But I’m sorry for that. There is three different povs in this, first Kyo, then Kaoru and finally Die.
I Still Love Him
[Hurt 2]
[Kyo’s pov]
I don’t know for how long things have been wrong in our band. Well, not technically in the band itself, just in the relationships between the members of the band. The relationship between our two guitarists, to be exact. At first they seemed to be so happy with each other, and often when I was hanging out with Die all he could talk about was how nice life was and how good it was to be alive. Of course it made me happy, after all Die is my best friend and who wouldn’t be happy for his friends? But then it all changed.
Die began to become more quiet than he had been, laughing less and not even teasing us the way he used to. He didn’t want to go anywhere, just sat at home alone while Kaoru was in the meetings or just out with friends. I witnessed many times that our lead guitarist tried to get Die to come along to some party or so, but he never agreed. That was odd enough to start with. Then Die pretty much locked himself in their apartment, only leaving out for practices, and that was when I finally decided to go and talk to him.
I chose a time when I knew Kaoru wouldn’t be home. Not because I wanted to hide from him, just because I thought it might be easier to get something out of Die if we were alone. At first he didn’t want to let me in, but I was persistent, didn’t leave until he finally opened the door. And instantly I could see why he wouldn’t have wanted me to come there. He had dark circles under his reddened eyes and it looked like he had just been crying for hours.
To say I was worried would be an understatement, I was terrified. I had never seen Die in a condition like this. And why wasn’t Kaoru home, taking care of him? After all they were supposed to be in love, and isn’t that what you usually do? Take care of people you love. I didn’t know what else to do, so I made Die sit on the couch and forced him to tell me what was going on. And after I promised not to do or say anything about the situation, he told me everything.
Told me how he wasn’t good enough for the lead guitarist. Told me how Kaoru kept on hurting him with this affair he had, obviously for months. Told me how he sometimes just wanted to die since every new day brought just more pain and suffering. And all I could do was to hug him, let him cry against my shoulder.
My first thought was to go and beat the crap out of Kaoru. But Die had made me promise that I’d let no one know what I knew, and so I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t break my promise to him, while the man he was in love with kept on breaking every single promise along with Die’s heart. And it probably wouldn’t do any good to kill Kaoru either. After all, it wouldn’t solve the problem, only create all new ones.
It was devastating to see how shattered our once so lively rhythm guitarist was. He laughed less than usually, and when he did, it was joyless. It was like he was forcing the laughter out to convince everyone, along with himself, that everything was normal. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he seemed to be somehow tired all the time. Not only physically tired, but emotionally. The whole situation was slowly killing him, that I was sure of. But still, it was Die’s own life and he made his own decisions. It was clear that no matter what, the redhead wasn’t going to do anything about the thing. Die was Kaoru’s. And nothing could change that.
***
[Kaoru’s pov]
I feel like I am the most horrible human being living on this earth.
It’s so easy to hurt the ones you love, but I have developed that into maximum. I am the real master of hurting people, even though I don’t want to. It wasn’t my intention to break the heart and life of everyone I see.
Everything began actually around two years ago, when I met him. This man was the utmost addiction to me, and I spent every moment of my days thinking of him; when I’d see him again, what I’d do to him, what he’d do to me. And so it’s fair to say that my life revolved around him and him only.
Then he left me.
I was lost for a while, since everything I had based my life on just disappeared. I wouldn’t say that I was terrible devastated, I was only confused and bitter. Not knowing what to do next, wanting to show him what he had lost while losing me. And when Die came to me, confessing his feelings I kind of had to give in and try with him. He had always held a special place in my heart, and so it was easy, almost natural to develop that into a relationship. I can honestly say that I have always loved him on some level, my feelings deepening over the years.
We were happy at first and I thought I had found the place where I wanted to be. But he came back. The man I had been addicted to came back to me, crawling and begging me to take him back. Although I was living in a happy relationship with the other guitarist of my band, we had even moved in together a while ago, I was somehow still hanging on the memory of that other one. It was satisfying to see how he couldn’t live without me.
So I couldn’t resist the temptation. I gave in and we started seeing each other secretly, me and that man. I told myself that it was because Die would get hurt if I’d leave him suddenly like that, but the truth was that I didn’t want to leave him, being afraid of the change in my life. Die was the steady rock in the ocean for me, and I wasn’t willing to give that up. And this way I ended up hurting him more than I ever could have by leaving him.
It went on for maybe six months. Six long months of lies and betrayal. Believe me, it’s not easy to see the suffering in the eyes of the one who holds your heart. And I’m not talking about him, I’m talking about Die. It took long, but slowly I realized that I all the time I had been wrong, wasting my time in this shallow affair while the true object of my affection was waiting at home for me to come. Waiting and probably crying.
Die tried to keep his suffering as a secret from me first. He never ever admitted that he was hurt, or that he knew what was going on. But it was pretty obvious, I could see the desperation in his eyes, and I knew how much he was hurting. It made me feel terrible every single time. Why didn’t I stop then? I don’t know.
Maybe I just am a selfish human being, but I couldn’t let go of either one of them. I think it was because I somehow still enjoyed the fact how dependant this other man was of me, and then again I was dependant on Die myself. So my pride was too strong to let go of the secret affair, and I was too much in love with our second guitarist to let him go.
Sounds odd, doesn’t it? To say I love Die, although I’ve been cheating on him for too long now. But it’s the truth. If there is a single honest feeling deep inside of me, it is my love for him. Still it might be too late now. How can I mend a heart as broken as his? I don’t know if I can ever restore the trust he once had in me, and I don’t even know if he still loves me.
But I have to try. I need to try.
My affair is over now. And I forced Die to talk with me about it, told him that I’m honestly sorry and want to make it all better. I don’t know if he believes me, I don’t know if he ever can forgive me. But I do know, that if he decides to crush my hopes and leave me completely, I deserve it.
I deserve to suffer as much as he has suffered.
Although I don’t think no one can ever experience the amount of pain he has gone through.
***
[Die’s pov]
I never wanted things to be like this. I never wanted to spend my life crying over a man whom I’m in love with, and who doesn’t give a shit about my feelings. But still, here I found myself again, crying against my pillow like some pathetic teenaged girl who’s just been let down.
I feel the tears fill up my sorrowed eyes, like so many times before, as I lay my head down and beg myself to be so brave. My thoughts are only a big mess, as are my feelings too. I don’t know what to think, what to do. Somehow this all doesn’t even seem real to me anymore, like this all is a nightmare and soon I’ll wake up. I’ll wake up, curl up against him and he takes me into his arms and loves me. But as if that’s ever going to happen.
Yesterday he told me it was over. Not me and him, but his other affair. He also said that he loved me, and he wanted to make it all up to me. While he was talking, I only stared at him disbelievingly, trying to decide whether to trust him or not. How does he think he’ll make things better? How can I know that he’s not going to do this all over again?
I don’t know what to do. I should leave, slam the door shut behind me and never come back. But I know I can’t. I’m still too much attached to him, as pathetic as it makes me. Maybe I could’ve left if I’d done it as soon as I found out what was going on. But as the situation went on and on, I suddenly had reached the point in which I couldn’t leave anymore.
Now I know that I was a fool, letting my love for him grow while I knew what he was doing to me. But I can’t turn back time, and I don’t know if I even want to.
After all he’s put me through, I still love him. I still can’t imagine my life without him in it. And I still don’t want to even try to live without him.
I still love him.
Author:
fonulynRating: PG
Pairing: Die x Kaoru
Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of the persons mentioned in this nor have any connections with them. I do NOT get any money from this, and it's written solely for entertainment purposes meaning no harm.
Comments: This is a kind of sequel for Hurt . I was a bit depressed, and I had to finish this one. Well, Die is the one suffering again. I really have no idea why it is always him who has to go through all this shit. But I’m sorry for that. There is three different povs in this, first Kyo, then Kaoru and finally Die.
[Hurt 2]
[Kyo’s pov]
I don’t know for how long things have been wrong in our band. Well, not technically in the band itself, just in the relationships between the members of the band. The relationship between our two guitarists, to be exact. At first they seemed to be so happy with each other, and often when I was hanging out with Die all he could talk about was how nice life was and how good it was to be alive. Of course it made me happy, after all Die is my best friend and who wouldn’t be happy for his friends? But then it all changed.
Die began to become more quiet than he had been, laughing less and not even teasing us the way he used to. He didn’t want to go anywhere, just sat at home alone while Kaoru was in the meetings or just out with friends. I witnessed many times that our lead guitarist tried to get Die to come along to some party or so, but he never agreed. That was odd enough to start with. Then Die pretty much locked himself in their apartment, only leaving out for practices, and that was when I finally decided to go and talk to him.
I chose a time when I knew Kaoru wouldn’t be home. Not because I wanted to hide from him, just because I thought it might be easier to get something out of Die if we were alone. At first he didn’t want to let me in, but I was persistent, didn’t leave until he finally opened the door. And instantly I could see why he wouldn’t have wanted me to come there. He had dark circles under his reddened eyes and it looked like he had just been crying for hours.
To say I was worried would be an understatement, I was terrified. I had never seen Die in a condition like this. And why wasn’t Kaoru home, taking care of him? After all they were supposed to be in love, and isn’t that what you usually do? Take care of people you love. I didn’t know what else to do, so I made Die sit on the couch and forced him to tell me what was going on. And after I promised not to do or say anything about the situation, he told me everything.
Told me how he wasn’t good enough for the lead guitarist. Told me how Kaoru kept on hurting him with this affair he had, obviously for months. Told me how he sometimes just wanted to die since every new day brought just more pain and suffering. And all I could do was to hug him, let him cry against my shoulder.
My first thought was to go and beat the crap out of Kaoru. But Die had made me promise that I’d let no one know what I knew, and so I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t break my promise to him, while the man he was in love with kept on breaking every single promise along with Die’s heart. And it probably wouldn’t do any good to kill Kaoru either. After all, it wouldn’t solve the problem, only create all new ones.
It was devastating to see how shattered our once so lively rhythm guitarist was. He laughed less than usually, and when he did, it was joyless. It was like he was forcing the laughter out to convince everyone, along with himself, that everything was normal. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he seemed to be somehow tired all the time. Not only physically tired, but emotionally. The whole situation was slowly killing him, that I was sure of. But still, it was Die’s own life and he made his own decisions. It was clear that no matter what, the redhead wasn’t going to do anything about the thing. Die was Kaoru’s. And nothing could change that.
***
[Kaoru’s pov]
I feel like I am the most horrible human being living on this earth.
It’s so easy to hurt the ones you love, but I have developed that into maximum. I am the real master of hurting people, even though I don’t want to. It wasn’t my intention to break the heart and life of everyone I see.
Everything began actually around two years ago, when I met him. This man was the utmost addiction to me, and I spent every moment of my days thinking of him; when I’d see him again, what I’d do to him, what he’d do to me. And so it’s fair to say that my life revolved around him and him only.
Then he left me.
I was lost for a while, since everything I had based my life on just disappeared. I wouldn’t say that I was terrible devastated, I was only confused and bitter. Not knowing what to do next, wanting to show him what he had lost while losing me. And when Die came to me, confessing his feelings I kind of had to give in and try with him. He had always held a special place in my heart, and so it was easy, almost natural to develop that into a relationship. I can honestly say that I have always loved him on some level, my feelings deepening over the years.
We were happy at first and I thought I had found the place where I wanted to be. But he came back. The man I had been addicted to came back to me, crawling and begging me to take him back. Although I was living in a happy relationship with the other guitarist of my band, we had even moved in together a while ago, I was somehow still hanging on the memory of that other one. It was satisfying to see how he couldn’t live without me.
So I couldn’t resist the temptation. I gave in and we started seeing each other secretly, me and that man. I told myself that it was because Die would get hurt if I’d leave him suddenly like that, but the truth was that I didn’t want to leave him, being afraid of the change in my life. Die was the steady rock in the ocean for me, and I wasn’t willing to give that up. And this way I ended up hurting him more than I ever could have by leaving him.
It went on for maybe six months. Six long months of lies and betrayal. Believe me, it’s not easy to see the suffering in the eyes of the one who holds your heart. And I’m not talking about him, I’m talking about Die. It took long, but slowly I realized that I all the time I had been wrong, wasting my time in this shallow affair while the true object of my affection was waiting at home for me to come. Waiting and probably crying.
Die tried to keep his suffering as a secret from me first. He never ever admitted that he was hurt, or that he knew what was going on. But it was pretty obvious, I could see the desperation in his eyes, and I knew how much he was hurting. It made me feel terrible every single time. Why didn’t I stop then? I don’t know.
Maybe I just am a selfish human being, but I couldn’t let go of either one of them. I think it was because I somehow still enjoyed the fact how dependant this other man was of me, and then again I was dependant on Die myself. So my pride was too strong to let go of the secret affair, and I was too much in love with our second guitarist to let him go.
Sounds odd, doesn’t it? To say I love Die, although I’ve been cheating on him for too long now. But it’s the truth. If there is a single honest feeling deep inside of me, it is my love for him. Still it might be too late now. How can I mend a heart as broken as his? I don’t know if I can ever restore the trust he once had in me, and I don’t even know if he still loves me.
But I have to try. I need to try.
My affair is over now. And I forced Die to talk with me about it, told him that I’m honestly sorry and want to make it all better. I don’t know if he believes me, I don’t know if he ever can forgive me. But I do know, that if he decides to crush my hopes and leave me completely, I deserve it.
I deserve to suffer as much as he has suffered.
Although I don’t think no one can ever experience the amount of pain he has gone through.
***
[Die’s pov]
I never wanted things to be like this. I never wanted to spend my life crying over a man whom I’m in love with, and who doesn’t give a shit about my feelings. But still, here I found myself again, crying against my pillow like some pathetic teenaged girl who’s just been let down.
I feel the tears fill up my sorrowed eyes, like so many times before, as I lay my head down and beg myself to be so brave. My thoughts are only a big mess, as are my feelings too. I don’t know what to think, what to do. Somehow this all doesn’t even seem real to me anymore, like this all is a nightmare and soon I’ll wake up. I’ll wake up, curl up against him and he takes me into his arms and loves me. But as if that’s ever going to happen.
Yesterday he told me it was over. Not me and him, but his other affair. He also said that he loved me, and he wanted to make it all up to me. While he was talking, I only stared at him disbelievingly, trying to decide whether to trust him or not. How does he think he’ll make things better? How can I know that he’s not going to do this all over again?
I don’t know what to do. I should leave, slam the door shut behind me and never come back. But I know I can’t. I’m still too much attached to him, as pathetic as it makes me. Maybe I could’ve left if I’d done it as soon as I found out what was going on. But as the situation went on and on, I suddenly had reached the point in which I couldn’t leave anymore.
Now I know that I was a fool, letting my love for him grow while I knew what he was doing to me. But I can’t turn back time, and I don’t know if I even want to.
After all he’s put me through, I still love him. I still can’t imagine my life without him in it. And I still don’t want to even try to live without him.
I still love him.