rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2011-01-01 02:25 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2011-01-01 02:25 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
The second bulk-posting day :) Am going to post all the fics I wrote for the Die/Toshiya advent calendar, so apologies for the spam!
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Title: There For You
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Toshiya/Die
Disclaimer: I don’t own anyone, just my dirty imagination.
Summary: Nightmares, bad ones, were a frequent visitor in Die’s nights and he didn’t even remember a time without them, much less thought he could actually once get rid of them. He never would’ve thought that all it took was one certain person to chase those demons away.
Comments: As the people on my friends list know, I dream a lot and I dream vividly. Thus the nightmares mentioned in this fic are all based on actual nightmares I’ve had *laughs* Something useful in those bastards at least! I don’t know if I managed to capture the mood at all, but hopefully it worked well enough ;) And despite having nightmares in it, it’s not angsty XD I hope you enjoy! :D
There For You
Die wanted to run. He wanted to escape and run as fast as he possibly could, until his muscles would give in, his lungs burn and every single step would hurt. Until he simply couldn’t any longer. Until he would collapse on the ground and stay unmoving, hoping that it had been long enough. That he had gotten far enough.
But he couldn’t.
His legs wouldn’t move. He was petrified, so afraid that he could barely even breathe shallowly. His heart was beating in his throat, blood rushing in his ears and he could feel the cold sweat beading on his skin. He felt like a wild animal, like a deer in the headlights, like a rabbit that had to face the barrel of the hunter’s gun.
Except that he wasn’t the wild animal. He was facing one.
There, only a few steps away from him. Those sharp predator’s eyes left him stunned, made all strength escape his limbs. He tried to take a step but he couldn’t. The beast gave a warning growl deep in its throat that sent all the small hairs on Die’s arms standing up. Feverishly, his eyes were moving, trying to see if there was any way to escape.
There was only blackness. There was only dark.
Die could’ve sworn his heart was beating so madly that it would burst out of his chest any second. He couldn’t even hear the growl of the animal any longer, only his heart, blood rushing in his ears.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
He opened his mouth to scream but not a single word came out, not a single sound. It felt like there was a block in his throat, something stuck in his chest that kept him from screaming, kept him from even breathing. Maybe it was his heart. He didn’t know.
He was afraid.
Desperately, he tried to shelter his head with his arms, brought one of his large palms to his neck just in time before those sharp teeth sank into his skin. He could feel the strong set of jaws close around his spine, the sharp canines digging into the side of his neck. There was something warm on his skin and he didn’t need to see it to know it was blood.
Panic was welling up once again, his eyes burning with unshed tears. He knew he was going to die.
Startled, Die’s eyes snapped open. His heart was still beating like mad, his breathing shallow and forced. He brought up his hand, wiping away the thin layer of sweat that was beading on his forehead, shuddering again forcefully. He was cold and hot at the same time, his skin like burning while he couldn’t stop shivering like he was freezing. The sun was shining brightly down on him as he shifted in his chair, thanking his luck that he was on top of a building instead of somewhere out on plain sight.
He swallowed hard. Maybe working twelve hours a day and partying through the nights hadn’t been such a good idea after all. At least his sleep-deprived body seemed to constantly fail on him. Even now, he had only wanted to come out here for a smoke, but then the vacant chair had been all too tempting and he had taken a seat for a moment. The others wouldn’t have noticed if he was gone for only a few minutes.
Apparently, he had been away too long, though. No wonder if he had been sleeping. Die rubbed his eyes, trying to blink to make them work again. He couldn’t go back inside before he felt a little bit more calm, he definitely wouldn’t allow the others to see him panicking like this. Just a few minutes, a couple of moments to breathe in deep and get over the images that were still like stuck in the back of his head. He leaned forward, basing his elbows on his knees as he leaned his face in his palms. His crimson hair pooled on his thighs, making him almost jump as it reminded him of the blood in his dream.
“Hey,” the soft greeting startled Die instantly and his head snapped up. It was like he was still dreaming, too jumpy and fidgety for his own good. The panic lessened when he recognized his companion, though, realized that there was no reason to feel that paranoid. He offered his bandmate a small smile, giving a nod of acknowledgement at him. He should be ashamed, acting like this in front of the young bassist. What a good first impression. Well, technically not the first impression but they were only getting to know each other anyway. Die was still trying to come up with something to say, when that soft voice cut through the air again.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Die was startled. Again. No one had ever asked him about his dreams and now this young man he had known merely for weeks looked at him so expectantly, nothing but curiosity and friendliness in his eyes. He knew he could say no, could jump up and go back inside and that Toshiya would never push the topic again. The other man sat there completely calm, obviously trying not to push him into doing anything he didn’t want to, and somehow that even surprised him. Thus far he had only seen the bouncier, babbly side of the younger man. Though he had known from the beginning that there was more to him than what met the eye.
Finally, after a short silence, Die smiled. He talked. And it felt like a huge weight lifted off his shoulders.
***
Die was running.
He was running through a forest, blackness all around him and he couldn’t even see what was in front of him. Several times he almost ran into a tree, dodging in the last second so he wouldn’t smash his face straight into it. The bushes were so sharp they were cutting bloody veils on his arms, stinging as he tried to force his way through them. The ground was uneven, giving away from under his feet and he stumbled forward.
He was running for his life but he wasn’t going to get away.
Die didn’t know what was chasing him, but he knew that if he wouldn’t run he would die a slow and painful death. He would probably face that anyway, but that was when instincts kicked in and he had to try. He had to run.
He had scraped his knee somewhere on the way and it hurt, made him feel like his leg was getting numb with every passing moment. One second he felt a hot breath on his neck, already expecting the fatal blow. The next second all he could hear was a rustling noise from the woods, somewhere in the darkness and he knew he was being watched.
Suddenly he tripped, his ankle wedged into an unnatural position as he fell.
He screamed.
And he fell.
Head first into the darkness that never seemed to end.
When Die woke up, it was still dark outside. It was raining, big droplets of water hammering against the window of the bus. Despite the streetlights it was so dark he could barely see outside, the darkness swallowing everything from around the bus. Quickly, Die averted his gaze. He couldn’t bear looking outside, into that big vast space of nothing. It was like re-living the dream instantly, the blackness surrounding him from every side and he had this uncontrollable urge to jump up and switch on all the lights. He knew that if he was at home, he would’ve already turned on all the lights in the whole apartment. He would be sitting on the couch in the middle of his living room. The TV would be on but he wouldn’t be watching it, he would be paranoid and scan every single corner with his eyes. The TV was on just for the noise, so he couldn’t hear the darkness.
Yes, one could hear the darkness. He was sure of that.
Die ran his fingers through his short red strands, a habit from when his hair had still been long enough to reach his shoulders and fall on his face. His shoulders were so tense that he could feel it radiate to his back, his jaw clenched so tight it was beginning to hurt. He was so shaken that he instantly jumped when he heard a rustling noise from the side, approaching him. Whatever monster it was, he was going to be prepared.
Thankfully, there were no such thing as monsters and the second he saw Toshiya’s face in the flickering light of the street lamps he felt stupid for even thinking like that. The bassist sat down beside him, his movements slow and deliberate as he knew that sudden movements would only feed Die’s panic. It wasn’t rational, Die wasn’t afraid of him and they both knew it. It was just hard to land back from the dreams to reality again. Slowly Toshiya shifted closer, though, until their shoulders were brushing against each other.
Die was relaxing visibly, he wasn’t biting his teeth together so hard anymore, he wasn’t gripping his own knees knuckles white. Toshiya sneaked an arm around him, pulling him close into a warm embrace. Gratefully, Die buried his face into the younger man’s neck and inhaled his scent deeply.
Not a single word was exchanged. Toshiya could feel how Die gradually began to relax, until he finally drifted back to sleep. A dreamless one this time.
***
Water, water everywhere.
Black masses of water around him, so dark he couldn’t even see his own hand underneath the surface although he knew it wasn’t more than an inch below the waterline. Even the sky was black, masses of clouds covering every inch of it, hanging so low he almost felt like he could reach them and pull them down with him.
Panicking, he looked around himself, tried to frantically search for dry land. Nothing. There was only water in every possible direction, only water and waves and splashes and even the foam on the waves seemed black. The water was deep, so deep that when he tried to reach down with his feet, there was nothing. Nothing but more water, in every direction.
He was still wearing his jeans but they were soaked wet, his shoes tied on his feet but he could still feel the icy cold water between his toes. His joints were aching, the freezing water flowing mercilessly around him like one big mass of evil. It almost felt as if his fingers were going to break off when he tried to bend them, tried to make warmth seep into his limbs by moving them slowly.
He was a good swimmer. But when his limbs were about to freeze off it hardly mattered. Weakly he tried to swim further, to any direction, hoping for a miracle and trying to see dry land somewhere, anywhere.
There was nothing.
The further he got, the deeper he swam. He could barely keep his face above the surface any longer, he could barely breathe. Even the air was cold now, burning in his lungs when he inhaled, his breathing forming mist in front of his face. His lips were so cold they were cracking and he could taste blood in his mouth, the all too familiar taste of iron.
He couldn’t go on any longer. He was sinking. It was as if the water only opened up and swallowed him whole, pulling him down. Something tangled in his feet, around his ankles and no matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t free himself from the grasp. He screamed, filling his lungs with water, that cold, icy water that was everywhere.
He reached up, towards the surface. Or the bottom. Maybe the side. He didn’t know where the surface was any longer. The pressure eased on his legs and he kicked frantically.
But he didn’t know where he should go. Every direction was just black.
He had been breathing water for too long.
Die woke up drenched in cold sweat.
He was still shaking when he looked down, blinking in the darkness, and realized that there was something around his ankles indeed. The sheets. He had somehow managed to tangle his legs with the sheets and couldn’t free himself in his sleep. With a huge sigh he reached to the bedside, switching on the small lamp. It only gave a little light, a soft yellow glow illuminating the edges of the bed, creating long shadows. Quickly, Die freed his legs from the sheets, kicking them away.
It was cold, freezing cold and he could still feel his joints aching.
Until a long arm reached out for him, pulling him closer, moving him on the mattress almost ridiculously easily. Die felt like a toy, being handled so easily, and yet somehow the thought was strangely calming. He allowed Toshiya to pull him close, resting against that broad chest. Toshiya was warm, so warm, and Die wanted to steal every single bit of that warmth. He knew he was freezing cold but the younger man didn’t even flinch as he enveloped him in a warm embrace, tangling their legs together.
Slowly the coldness was fading. Slowly Die was beginning to feel like his blood was circulating again, like his heart was beating in a normal rhythm and breathing didn’t hurt any longer. He sighed contently, burying his face into Toshiya’s long, beautiful neck.
“A bad dream?” Toshiya’s voice was sleepy and thick, one could hear that it took him great effort to fight through the haze to speak. Yet there was a certain softness to it that always warmed Die’s heart, made him relax and chased the demons away. Suddenly the shadows didn’t look that oppressing anymore, they were almost familiar and comforting. “Man, you haven’t had one of those in ages.”
Die smiled. That was true. He hadn’t had one of those in months.
“Wanna talk about it?” Toshiya went on as he didn’t gain a reply of any kind, slowly stroking Die’s back with his fingertips.
Die only shook his head the tiniest bit, allowing the other man to feel the movement. “No. I’m fine.”
That was true; he was fine. More than fine.
-----
Title: There For You
Author:
fonulynRating: PG13
Pairing: Toshiya/Die
Disclaimer: I don’t own anyone, just my dirty imagination.
Summary: Nightmares, bad ones, were a frequent visitor in Die’s nights and he didn’t even remember a time without them, much less thought he could actually once get rid of them. He never would’ve thought that all it took was one certain person to chase those demons away.
Comments: As the people on my friends list know, I dream a lot and I dream vividly. Thus the nightmares mentioned in this fic are all based on actual nightmares I’ve had *laughs* Something useful in those bastards at least! I don’t know if I managed to capture the mood at all, but hopefully it worked well enough ;) And despite having nightmares in it, it’s not angsty XD I hope you enjoy! :D
Die wanted to run. He wanted to escape and run as fast as he possibly could, until his muscles would give in, his lungs burn and every single step would hurt. Until he simply couldn’t any longer. Until he would collapse on the ground and stay unmoving, hoping that it had been long enough. That he had gotten far enough.
But he couldn’t.
His legs wouldn’t move. He was petrified, so afraid that he could barely even breathe shallowly. His heart was beating in his throat, blood rushing in his ears and he could feel the cold sweat beading on his skin. He felt like a wild animal, like a deer in the headlights, like a rabbit that had to face the barrel of the hunter’s gun.
Except that he wasn’t the wild animal. He was facing one.
There, only a few steps away from him. Those sharp predator’s eyes left him stunned, made all strength escape his limbs. He tried to take a step but he couldn’t. The beast gave a warning growl deep in its throat that sent all the small hairs on Die’s arms standing up. Feverishly, his eyes were moving, trying to see if there was any way to escape.
There was only blackness. There was only dark.
Die could’ve sworn his heart was beating so madly that it would burst out of his chest any second. He couldn’t even hear the growl of the animal any longer, only his heart, blood rushing in his ears.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
He opened his mouth to scream but not a single word came out, not a single sound. It felt like there was a block in his throat, something stuck in his chest that kept him from screaming, kept him from even breathing. Maybe it was his heart. He didn’t know.
He was afraid.
Desperately, he tried to shelter his head with his arms, brought one of his large palms to his neck just in time before those sharp teeth sank into his skin. He could feel the strong set of jaws close around his spine, the sharp canines digging into the side of his neck. There was something warm on his skin and he didn’t need to see it to know it was blood.
Panic was welling up once again, his eyes burning with unshed tears. He knew he was going to die.
Startled, Die’s eyes snapped open. His heart was still beating like mad, his breathing shallow and forced. He brought up his hand, wiping away the thin layer of sweat that was beading on his forehead, shuddering again forcefully. He was cold and hot at the same time, his skin like burning while he couldn’t stop shivering like he was freezing. The sun was shining brightly down on him as he shifted in his chair, thanking his luck that he was on top of a building instead of somewhere out on plain sight.
He swallowed hard. Maybe working twelve hours a day and partying through the nights hadn’t been such a good idea after all. At least his sleep-deprived body seemed to constantly fail on him. Even now, he had only wanted to come out here for a smoke, but then the vacant chair had been all too tempting and he had taken a seat for a moment. The others wouldn’t have noticed if he was gone for only a few minutes.
Apparently, he had been away too long, though. No wonder if he had been sleeping. Die rubbed his eyes, trying to blink to make them work again. He couldn’t go back inside before he felt a little bit more calm, he definitely wouldn’t allow the others to see him panicking like this. Just a few minutes, a couple of moments to breathe in deep and get over the images that were still like stuck in the back of his head. He leaned forward, basing his elbows on his knees as he leaned his face in his palms. His crimson hair pooled on his thighs, making him almost jump as it reminded him of the blood in his dream.
“Hey,” the soft greeting startled Die instantly and his head snapped up. It was like he was still dreaming, too jumpy and fidgety for his own good. The panic lessened when he recognized his companion, though, realized that there was no reason to feel that paranoid. He offered his bandmate a small smile, giving a nod of acknowledgement at him. He should be ashamed, acting like this in front of the young bassist. What a good first impression. Well, technically not the first impression but they were only getting to know each other anyway. Die was still trying to come up with something to say, when that soft voice cut through the air again.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Die was startled. Again. No one had ever asked him about his dreams and now this young man he had known merely for weeks looked at him so expectantly, nothing but curiosity and friendliness in his eyes. He knew he could say no, could jump up and go back inside and that Toshiya would never push the topic again. The other man sat there completely calm, obviously trying not to push him into doing anything he didn’t want to, and somehow that even surprised him. Thus far he had only seen the bouncier, babbly side of the younger man. Though he had known from the beginning that there was more to him than what met the eye.
Finally, after a short silence, Die smiled. He talked. And it felt like a huge weight lifted off his shoulders.
***
Die was running.
He was running through a forest, blackness all around him and he couldn’t even see what was in front of him. Several times he almost ran into a tree, dodging in the last second so he wouldn’t smash his face straight into it. The bushes were so sharp they were cutting bloody veils on his arms, stinging as he tried to force his way through them. The ground was uneven, giving away from under his feet and he stumbled forward.
He was running for his life but he wasn’t going to get away.
Die didn’t know what was chasing him, but he knew that if he wouldn’t run he would die a slow and painful death. He would probably face that anyway, but that was when instincts kicked in and he had to try. He had to run.
He had scraped his knee somewhere on the way and it hurt, made him feel like his leg was getting numb with every passing moment. One second he felt a hot breath on his neck, already expecting the fatal blow. The next second all he could hear was a rustling noise from the woods, somewhere in the darkness and he knew he was being watched.
Suddenly he tripped, his ankle wedged into an unnatural position as he fell.
He screamed.
And he fell.
Head first into the darkness that never seemed to end.
When Die woke up, it was still dark outside. It was raining, big droplets of water hammering against the window of the bus. Despite the streetlights it was so dark he could barely see outside, the darkness swallowing everything from around the bus. Quickly, Die averted his gaze. He couldn’t bear looking outside, into that big vast space of nothing. It was like re-living the dream instantly, the blackness surrounding him from every side and he had this uncontrollable urge to jump up and switch on all the lights. He knew that if he was at home, he would’ve already turned on all the lights in the whole apartment. He would be sitting on the couch in the middle of his living room. The TV would be on but he wouldn’t be watching it, he would be paranoid and scan every single corner with his eyes. The TV was on just for the noise, so he couldn’t hear the darkness.
Yes, one could hear the darkness. He was sure of that.
Die ran his fingers through his short red strands, a habit from when his hair had still been long enough to reach his shoulders and fall on his face. His shoulders were so tense that he could feel it radiate to his back, his jaw clenched so tight it was beginning to hurt. He was so shaken that he instantly jumped when he heard a rustling noise from the side, approaching him. Whatever monster it was, he was going to be prepared.
Thankfully, there were no such thing as monsters and the second he saw Toshiya’s face in the flickering light of the street lamps he felt stupid for even thinking like that. The bassist sat down beside him, his movements slow and deliberate as he knew that sudden movements would only feed Die’s panic. It wasn’t rational, Die wasn’t afraid of him and they both knew it. It was just hard to land back from the dreams to reality again. Slowly Toshiya shifted closer, though, until their shoulders were brushing against each other.
Die was relaxing visibly, he wasn’t biting his teeth together so hard anymore, he wasn’t gripping his own knees knuckles white. Toshiya sneaked an arm around him, pulling him close into a warm embrace. Gratefully, Die buried his face into the younger man’s neck and inhaled his scent deeply.
Not a single word was exchanged. Toshiya could feel how Die gradually began to relax, until he finally drifted back to sleep. A dreamless one this time.
***
Water, water everywhere.
Black masses of water around him, so dark he couldn’t even see his own hand underneath the surface although he knew it wasn’t more than an inch below the waterline. Even the sky was black, masses of clouds covering every inch of it, hanging so low he almost felt like he could reach them and pull them down with him.
Panicking, he looked around himself, tried to frantically search for dry land. Nothing. There was only water in every possible direction, only water and waves and splashes and even the foam on the waves seemed black. The water was deep, so deep that when he tried to reach down with his feet, there was nothing. Nothing but more water, in every direction.
He was still wearing his jeans but they were soaked wet, his shoes tied on his feet but he could still feel the icy cold water between his toes. His joints were aching, the freezing water flowing mercilessly around him like one big mass of evil. It almost felt as if his fingers were going to break off when he tried to bend them, tried to make warmth seep into his limbs by moving them slowly.
He was a good swimmer. But when his limbs were about to freeze off it hardly mattered. Weakly he tried to swim further, to any direction, hoping for a miracle and trying to see dry land somewhere, anywhere.
There was nothing.
The further he got, the deeper he swam. He could barely keep his face above the surface any longer, he could barely breathe. Even the air was cold now, burning in his lungs when he inhaled, his breathing forming mist in front of his face. His lips were so cold they were cracking and he could taste blood in his mouth, the all too familiar taste of iron.
He couldn’t go on any longer. He was sinking. It was as if the water only opened up and swallowed him whole, pulling him down. Something tangled in his feet, around his ankles and no matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t free himself from the grasp. He screamed, filling his lungs with water, that cold, icy water that was everywhere.
He reached up, towards the surface. Or the bottom. Maybe the side. He didn’t know where the surface was any longer. The pressure eased on his legs and he kicked frantically.
But he didn’t know where he should go. Every direction was just black.
He had been breathing water for too long.
Die woke up drenched in cold sweat.
He was still shaking when he looked down, blinking in the darkness, and realized that there was something around his ankles indeed. The sheets. He had somehow managed to tangle his legs with the sheets and couldn’t free himself in his sleep. With a huge sigh he reached to the bedside, switching on the small lamp. It only gave a little light, a soft yellow glow illuminating the edges of the bed, creating long shadows. Quickly, Die freed his legs from the sheets, kicking them away.
It was cold, freezing cold and he could still feel his joints aching.
Until a long arm reached out for him, pulling him closer, moving him on the mattress almost ridiculously easily. Die felt like a toy, being handled so easily, and yet somehow the thought was strangely calming. He allowed Toshiya to pull him close, resting against that broad chest. Toshiya was warm, so warm, and Die wanted to steal every single bit of that warmth. He knew he was freezing cold but the younger man didn’t even flinch as he enveloped him in a warm embrace, tangling their legs together.
Slowly the coldness was fading. Slowly Die was beginning to feel like his blood was circulating again, like his heart was beating in a normal rhythm and breathing didn’t hurt any longer. He sighed contently, burying his face into Toshiya’s long, beautiful neck.
“A bad dream?” Toshiya’s voice was sleepy and thick, one could hear that it took him great effort to fight through the haze to speak. Yet there was a certain softness to it that always warmed Die’s heart, made him relax and chased the demons away. Suddenly the shadows didn’t look that oppressing anymore, they were almost familiar and comforting. “Man, you haven’t had one of those in ages.”
Die smiled. That was true. He hadn’t had one of those in months.
“Wanna talk about it?” Toshiya went on as he didn’t gain a reply of any kind, slowly stroking Die’s back with his fingertips.
Die only shook his head the tiniest bit, allowing the other man to feel the movement. “No. I’m fine.”
That was true; he was fine. More than fine.
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Basing it by any chance on any evidence? Since that is your second fic mentioning Die having had nightmares...
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Haha, I know what you mean... I get very few nightmares myself but whenever I do they are the sort of thing I remember and can describe in detail 13 years later. And I dream vividly the rest of the time too, to the extent of waking up and doubting what was a dream... it does help with writing, though ^^
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