rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2010-10-28 04:10 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2010-10-28 04:10 pm
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Title: Fifteen Years: Part IV – Let Go, Never Forget
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: NC17 overall
Pairing: Toshiya/Die (eventually), Miyavi/Die (this chapter)
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Your life is formed by countless encounters and people who mean a lot to you, in one way or another. Sometimes all you can do is hope that all those encounters finally lead you to the point you always wanted to get to. And maybe you can enjoy the road there, on the way.
Comments:
fonulyn: I had an incredible urge to write some Miyavi/Die, but don’t ask me why, I have no idea where the pairing even comes from XD But I was working on this fic at the time and thus I integrated Miyavi into the fourth chapter, to my own enjoyment XD I don’t know if anyone else (except for daidetre and me XD and seinen_no somewhat) are fans of the pair but do give it a go :)
And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
Previously happened:
Part I, Part II, Part III
Fifteen Years: Part IV – Let Go, Never Forget
It was surprisingly cold outside as Die stepped on the rooftop of the studio building to have a smoke. His eyes were burning and he was more than a bit tired, having been working on the same song for almost twelve hours straight. They were all stressed and yelling at each other, he had fought with both Kaoru and Toshiya, and currently Kyo wasn’t talking to anyone of them. It had seemed like the perfect moment for a cigarette, to calm himself down before going home to get a few hours of sleep. He refused to sleep in the studio anymore, and if anyone would even dare to suggest it he was ready to get violent.
He let out a huge sigh as he let the door fall shut behind himself, already fumbling for his pocket to find the pack of cigarettes and the lighter he desperately needed right now. In the midst of the movement, a sound from the side caught his attention, though. He turned his head, spotting a figure sitting hunched on the step on the side, face buried in his hands and obviously crying. This now was something he hadn’t expected… He didn’t know how to deal with crying people anyway, why did it have to be him to walk in here right now? Still, he couldn’t just leave now that he had already probably been heard, could he…
Die was still debating with himself if he should stay or go, when he took a closer look at the form and suddenly recognized the person sitting there. Miyavi. He had known the other man was using the same building for recording this time around as they did, but he had only bumped to him once or twice and definitely not like this. Miyavi had seemed to be the same bouncy, happy person as ever, and now he was sitting here alone in the cold and bawling his eyes out? Die was worried, whether he wanted to or not, and that was when he made his decision and stepped closer. They might not be the closest of friends but they weren’t strangers either, they had been hitting the clubs together in the past and even fooled around, so he would have to try something.
“Hey,” his voice was soft as he stepped closer, pushing the pack of cigarettes back into his pocket as his plans had obviously changed from the original quick smoke on the roof. The initial answer was only a sniffle as well, but before long a pair of reddened eyes looked up at him from between a mass of brightly colored hair, tentatively. Die offered a soft smile, deciding he needed to be courageous and thus he took a seat right next to the younger man on the step, their shoulders brushing against each other softly. “Something wrong?” He wasn’t sure if he should go for such direct questions, but hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
This time the answer was a snort and Miyavi rolled his eyes, sighing in deep. “Don’t. Die, I appreciate what you’re doing, but – ” He didn’t get any further than that before his voice broke and he had to bite his lower lip to stifle another sob, his clear eyes filling with big tears. That made Die again act on instinct and he shifted a bit closer, sneaking an arm around the younger man’s waist. At least he hadn’t gotten his lights punched out just yet and thus he dared to venture forward bravely. He knew that when he felt completely devastated he needed some human contact, and something told him that the other man would be the same.
“C’mon, talk to me about it,” Die offered an honest smile. Miyavi was freezing cold, only wearing a thin sleeveless shirt and one could see the goosebumps that were rising on his skin. Without even really thinking of it, Die began to slowly rub on his thin arm, trying to offer at least some warmth in addition to sitting there so close next to him.
Miyavi sniffled a little bit, the frown on his face showing that he wasn’t all that pleased right now, didn’t really want to cry in front of the other man and appear so pathetic all in all. “What is there to say?” He tried in a small voice, coughing to steady it and swallowing hard the next second as it didn’t work. “I’m stressed and going nowhere, I have no life outside the music, I sleep in the studio and I haven’t even touched another person in ages. Fuck, Die,” he groaned frustrated, turning his face so he was looking straight at the older man. “I haven’t been this close to anyone in months.”
Die didn’t know how he should take that confession, stiffening for a second as he wasn’t sure if he should let go and unwrap his arms from around the other man. The next second Miyavi was melting against him, though, had tucked his head on his shoulder and was breathing hotly against his neck. That definitely wasn’t how someone acted if he was uncomfortable in the closeness. That encouraged Die to wrap his arms around the lithe form next to his even tighter, and he even pressed a soft kiss on the other man’s temple.
“Hey, it’s not that bad. It’s not like I have a life outside the band either,” he chuckled, cheerlessly. “You have no idea how many times I’ve slept in the studio, only to be woken up by that slavedriver of a bandleader in the early morning hours to go on working.” He knew it was a lame way to make the other man feel better but it was all that he came up with at such short notice. At least it didn’t seem to be the worst possible thing to say as Miyavi snorted, shaking his head a little bit. “Yeah. I know. I’m just tired. So very fucking tired.” His voice almost faded off as he went on in a small sigh. “And lonely.”
That was the best way to tug on Die’s heart’s strings as he definitely knew how it was to be lonely, and he didn’t like the feeling at all. He would rather go to a big party full of strangers and drink until everyone was his friend, since being alone simply wasn’t an option when he was feeling a certain way. Right now, he was focusing on making the other man feel better. “Well, I don’t know what it’s worth, but I’m here now. And I have no hurry, we can talk.” He offered although he knew Kaoru might gut him for that later on when he found out he had been just holding another guy in his arms while he was supposed to be working.
The thing was, Miyavi wasn’t just another random musician who happened to work in the same building as they. Things went deeper than that, more complicated. Ever since Die could remember there had been this certain attraction between them, and it had been clear for them both that they swung the same way. They had kissed at a party, no one had seen and they had ignored it for long afterwards. Then it had happened again, and this time they both knew it had been a step further. They had even slept together once, after a drunken night of partying when one thing led to another and they somehow ended up in Die’s apartment. They didn’t even make it into the bedroom but fucked like bunnies on the living room carpet, which Die regretted deeply in the morning as the damn carpet had left painful abrasions on his ass.
All that flashed through Die’s mind now and he thought that maybe, just maybe, that had all been leading up to this moment. He had never really believed in fate, that everything happened for a reason, but maybe all these years in the same band with Toshiya had rubbed off on him and he was beginning to be influenced too. At least now, when Miyavi tilted his head a bit and smiled at him tentatively, he couldn’t help but to smile back. “You wanna grab a beer? My place. I look like shit, I don’t really want to go out like this.” The younger man’s suggestion came in a silent voice, almost hesitantly.
“Sure,” Die heard himself replying before he even thought of it, “let’s get going. You’re going to freeze your ass off here otherwise.”
“I’ve had such a long and fucking annoying day that I don’t even want to talk about it!” Miyavi released an exaggeratedly huge sigh as he plopped down on the bed, already tugging on his shirt to throw it off. Next his long fingers went for his belt and he started to undo it, muttering angrily to himself as it felt as if everything was against him that day. Even that stupid belt buckle that wouldn’t open the way he wanted it to! Goddamnit, world, why do you have to be so cruel? He thought angrily, already prepared to go on with the long row of profanities slipping from him.
The next second he was completely cut off, though, as a pair of warm lips was pressed against his neck, a set of long arms wrapping around his midsection from behind. Die’s broad, flat chest pressed against his back, the warmth seeping from him and a whiff of his cologne reaching Miyavi’s nose so that he had to inhale instinctively to gain more of that scent. He couldn’t have stayed angry even if he had wanted to. He could literally feel the tension seep off his body, the angriness fade as it was being replaced by pure calmness. This had been exactly what he had needed. A hug, some cuddling, then sleep. It made him smile to notice that Die seemed to be reading his thoughts exactly. “Then don’t,” Die smiled against his neck, he could feel it. “Just forget about it.”
It seemed that he was going to say something further but suddenly a loud noise cut through the air, making them both jump and startle before they realized it was just Die’s mobile phone that was set on the bedside table. Die had to laugh as he realized how much they had both gotten scared by that damn thing, as he unhooked his arm from around his boyfriend and moved over to the side of the bed. He knew he had to at least check who was calling, otherwise it could get him into loads of troubles. As he flipped the phone open – Miyavi had always thought it was such an awesome phone for a rockstar, sarcastically speaking, bright red and decorated with everything sparkly – a smile instantly spread on his lips and he picked it up. “Tosh? How come you’re calling this late?”
Miyavi suppressed a small sigh. This could take a while. He knew how babbly both those men could get, especially with each other. Not that he really minded as it gave him a good opportunity to watch Die, watch him smile like that and twirl his hair around his fingers, laugh freely and burst into enthusiastic moments when he could talk like no other. Lost deep in his thoughts Miyavi pulled up his legs to hug them close to his chest, silently observing the other man.
After a while he got tired listening, stripped off his pants and socks as well and crawled under the covers on the bed. He was still watching, though, taking long glances at the other man from the corners of his eyes. Finally, the call ended, and instantly Die offered him an apologetic smile. “Band stuff.” He didn’t elaborate on it further, knew that it wouldn’t really interest the other man. They both worked in the same business and they knew better than to talk boring business with each other more than necessary.
Slowly, Die crawled on the bed and approached the younger man, stopping only when he was practically hovering above him. “And you tried to sneak into bed without giving me a good night kiss, eh?” He asked with a bright grin, bringing his face so close to the other man’s that their noses were almost touching. Miyavi couldn’t help but to chuckle, and instantly he took Die’s head between his palms, making him tilt it enough to connect their lips in a slow, sensual kiss. Die mewled into it, lowly, the sound forming somewhere in the back of his throat and that sent a pleasant tingle through the younger man.
One kiss turned to two kisses, three kisses, a whole row of kisses as they both got lost in them for a good while. When Die playfully caught Miyavi’s bottom lip between his teeth and tugged on it a bit, the younger man pushed him away laughing. “Oh no, Die, don’t even think of it! I need to get up at four in the morning to go to that stupid interview so I need sleep. After that, promised!”
Someone might’ve been upset from being turned down, but Die only laughed, obviously not minding. “You prude. You’re supposed to be the young and energetic one of the two of us, eh?” He mock-whined as he settled down on the bed, pushing the covers down enough so he could mould their bodies together and get as close as possible.
Die draped an arm around Miyavi’s middle, spooning him from behind comfortably. They were both still chuckling lightly, but slowly their breathing calmed down and they settled on the mattress comfortably, especially after the younger man pulled the blanket over their forms to keep them warm. He knew Die had the tendency to freeze easily, and he already automatically attended that before it even happened to prevent it. Die was relaxing so fast he might be claimed by sleep any moment, and the younger man knew he would need to speak now if he didn’t want to shake Die awake for it.
“Die?” There was no sound in the darkness and for a while Miyavi thought Die had already passed out, fallen into deep sleep. Then, a soft noise acknowledged his words. “Mmh?” It sounded so adorably sleepy that Miyavi couldn’t help but to smile, despite himself, and despite the fact that his heart was beating rapidly and his palms getting slightly sweaty from pure nervousness. He bit back his fears, trying to make his voice sound casual as he spoke finally. “Do you love me?” It turned out a mere whisper in the end.
“Of course I do.” Die’s voice was only a low purr, even slightly questioning as if he didn’t know where that now came from. He nuzzled his nose in the back of Miyavi’s neck, breathing hotly against his nape in a way that never failed to make him shudder pleasantly. It was obvious from everything that he was close to falling asleep, even if he momentarily tightened the hold he had of the younger man by hugging him a bit closer to himself.
Miyavi smiled at the certainty in the statement. Die did love him, that was not the issue. But that he knew he wasn’t the only one. As honest as those feelings might’ve been… it didn’t do much good if there was something to always hold him back. There was love, and there was love going both ways in this relationship, but Miyavi wasn’t sure if it would be enough. Enough to make them last, that was. He did love Die enough to let him go when he would have to. And that time might come sooner than he expected.
No matter what he did, he couldn’t forget that look in Die’s eyes. That deep, affectionate sparkle that seemed to come straight from his soul. That happy, genuinely happy, sparkle that had been indicated just by hearing that special voice in the other end of the line.
And there was no one else who made Die’s eyes sparkle quite like that.
He didn’t want to admit it. But he knew this wasn’t going to last forever.
It was bound to happen. Die tried, he really tried, all he could and there had been times when he had been happy. They had been happy. Moments when he had forgotten about his hopeless crush of ten years, when he had been able to focus on and enjoy the time shared with Miyavi. He knew they had both enjoyed it, and he didn’t regret anything, even if he couldn’t go on like this any longer. He was a hopeless case, now he knew it.
Die couldn’t help but to think back to the moment they had been holding each other like this almost a year ago, except that then he had been the one doing the holding and now he was the one crying against the other man’s shoulder. He felt somewhat pathetic, his eyes puffy and red and if it had been someone less close to him he would’ve been ashamed of the tears. Die didn’t cry, he bottled the tears up until he simply couldn’t take it anymore, he rather played strong than showed any signs of weakness. But he knew he could trust Miyavi, and only tried to hide a bit behind his hair as he pulled back slightly.
“I’m sorry,” he choked, swallowing hard to gain control over his voice again. He didn’t want to feel this way, nor look this way, since it was pretty damn clear how much ending this hurt him. A right decision or not, it wasn’t easy to end it after all they had been through. Especially when the feelings still went so deep. “It’s just… yeah. It’s hard.”
He didn’t manage to get any further before Miyavi cupped his cheek in his palm, stroking the smooth skin with his slightly rough fingertips. The feeling always made Die shudder, even now, and he doubted if it would ever end. “Don’t. Hey, we’ve been together for long, it’s not like you haven’t seen me cry too.” He pointed out with a soft smile and Die couldn’t help but to chuckle a bit as he agreed nodding.
They were both silent for a good while, just focusing on the shared warmth and the way they were still comfortable around each other. There was this certain melancholy lingering in the air, but otherwise it was just like it had been, natural and easy. Finally Miyavi broke the silence, and the older man startled a little as he noticed that his voice was shaken, too. ”You know, even though this ends, we will still be like brothers. Always. I do love you. Even if that is not enough for this to be happily ever after.”
Die nodded slowly, his eyes closed as he tried to process the words, go through their meaning in his mind and take it apart to analyze every single syllable spoken. He knew the younger guitarist was right. They loved each other, they were good together, but they were better as friends than lovers. In the end, he supposed, it was his fault. After all, he was the one who had already given away a large chunk of his heart years ago, and there was no taking it back. It wasn’t his to give away anymore, and thus he couldn’t give it to Miyavi either. His voice still broke as he spoke up, cracking into a chuckle. ”Some incestuous brothers we are. Or were.”
It made them both laugh through the tears and the lumps in their throats, through the melancholy and sadness. Die tilted his head up and their gazes met, both of them smiling, even with their eyes. There was no accusation, no bitterness, only honesty between them. Somehow it caused this empty feeling inside of Die when he realized that before, they would’ve kissed, lips meeting so easily in a moment like this. Now, Miyavi chuckled lightly, averting his gaze with a slight blush dancing on his cheeks.
It wasn’t easy, not even close. But at least there was no fighting, no plates thrown on the walls and no punches aimed at each other, verbally or physically. It was almost as easy to fall back to being friends as it had been to deepen it to a real relationship. They both had such a busy schedule that they naturally had some time apart, and in this case, distance truly was like salve on the aching wounds.
With time, everything had gotten easier, gradually. When Miyavi had gotten married, two years after the break-up, Die had even received an invitation to the wedding. He didn’t go. He granted the younger man his happiness, he truly did, and he had even met the bride and liked her. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to go to the wedding, knowing that it would be where everything would surface again. The rational part of his mind knew that Miyavi and he were better off as friends, and he was happy with the way things were. Still, watching him swear his eternal love and adoration to someone else would’ve felt like a punch in the gut, seeing their past together.
It was only when the younger man’s happiness was filled with a child that Die finally took the time to visit him in his new home. He didn’t know if Miyavi had told his wife about their past together, but he didn’t really even care as what would it have changed in the end? It was exactly that, a past, and all that mattered right now was the fact that they were close friends together. The baby was incredibly adorable and Die could instantly see how much she meant for Miyavi. He was practically shining, a typical proud dad, and holding the baby girl carefully in his arms as if she might break if handled too roughly.
The baby girl seemed to like people in general, or at least she liked Die as the moment he took her in his arms she was giggling merrily and tried to catch the longer chocolate brown strands of hair to stuff them in her mouth. Die found himself smiling instantly, as he had to admit that this drooling, smelly little thing was indeed quite adorable. “She likes you,” Miyavi winked, the smile on his face so wide it almost seemed to break it in half. “She’s not usually that friendly with strangers right away.”
That now made Die laugh and he flashed the baby a stunning smile that usually charmed everyone. Apparently it worked on her too, as she made a happy gargling sound, waving her little fists in the air as if she was practicing to be a cheerleader when she’d grow up. “She is adorable. Looks like you. At least she has the same wild hair,” he chuckled, gently twisting a black lock of hair between his fingers. The dark hair was sticking up to every possible direction, looking almost like it was styled like that even though it was natural. Suddenly, Die pulled a face, though, coughing exaggeratedly. “And she smells like sh – I mean, bad.”
The wording made Miyavi laugh and he already stood up to get the baby from his friend. “She does that a lot. I think she comes after her father in that, too.” He grinned. He had barely managed to lift the girl in his arms when his wife stepped close, taking her and promising to take care of the smell. After all, she knew that Die was one of the best friends of her husband, and visited so very rarely, so she wanted to give them more time together. Even if it was just a short moment free of changing the diapers.
There was a short silence as the girls were gone, during which Miyavi sat down on the couch right next to Die again, smiling dreamily to himself. “You seem happy,” Die surprised even himself with how much he meant the words, especially when he went on, “I’m really glad for you.” He might’ve been jealous at first, cranky that the time when they had officially been us instead of you and me was over, but right now all he felt was honest to god, pure happiness for his friend. Maybe partly because his own life was finally beginning to take shape like he had hoped it to. He was getting where he had wanted to be for ten years now and it was sometimes still too good to even believe to be true. Maybe now that he was happy, he could be happy for the other man too.
“I am happy. But you know, Die,” Miyavi returned the smile, turning a bit to look straight at the older guitarist. “You seem to be doing good too. Finally sorting out the issue?” He had taken it a habit to shortly refer to the whole thing as ‘the issue’ to shorten it out. Die even blushed a little but he nodded, unable to hold back a small chuckle. “Yeah. Actually, we are living together now. I never spent much time at my place, anyway… so I moved my toothbrush to his place.”
That made Miyavi’s smile even widen and he nodded a bit. “Awesome. See? I told you we’d both get our happy endings.” He was an overly positive person and while Die was hardly negative himself, in this company he often felt like that. “Even if for me it meant to get married and grow a family. I think it’s your fault!” Miyavi suddenly announced and although he was grinning, there was at least a hint of truth in the words, especially when he went on. “You spoiled me for all the other guys, I swear you did.”
Die shook his head a bit, smiling involuntarily. “Does it even matter? You have a family now, so you don’t need to lust after random dudes,” he winked, joining in to the laughter as Miyavi cracked up instantly. “Man, Die, you will never change!” He laughed freely, stopping only to look straight into the other man’s eyes, the grin still plastered all over his lips. “I really do love you. Always will.” They both knew how he meant it, honest and open and, at this point in their lives, completely platonic.
“I know.” Die smiled. He knew.
He knew, no matter what life would throw at them, they would stick together and keep up the friendship. For once in his life, Die was willing to fight to stay friends with an ex. Even though they had both moved on and neither of them wanted to go back in time to how they had been, it had created a special bond between them that would never break.
And sometimes, in the darkness of the night, they both would think back to the year together, a hint of melancholy lacing the memories. But they would smile, turn around and face the future, once again.
Author:
fonulynRating: NC17 overall
Pairing: Toshiya/Die (eventually), Miyavi/Die (this chapter)
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Your life is formed by countless encounters and people who mean a lot to you, in one way or another. Sometimes all you can do is hope that all those encounters finally lead you to the point you always wanted to get to. And maybe you can enjoy the road there, on the way.
Comments:
fonulyn: I had an incredible urge to write some Miyavi/Die, but don’t ask me why, I have no idea where the pairing even comes from XD But I was working on this fic at the time and thus I integrated Miyavi into the fourth chapter, to my own enjoyment XD I don’t know if anyone else (except for daidetre and me XD and seinen_no somewhat) are fans of the pair but do give it a go :)And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
Previously happened:
Part I, Part II, Part III
It was surprisingly cold outside as Die stepped on the rooftop of the studio building to have a smoke. His eyes were burning and he was more than a bit tired, having been working on the same song for almost twelve hours straight. They were all stressed and yelling at each other, he had fought with both Kaoru and Toshiya, and currently Kyo wasn’t talking to anyone of them. It had seemed like the perfect moment for a cigarette, to calm himself down before going home to get a few hours of sleep. He refused to sleep in the studio anymore, and if anyone would even dare to suggest it he was ready to get violent.
He let out a huge sigh as he let the door fall shut behind himself, already fumbling for his pocket to find the pack of cigarettes and the lighter he desperately needed right now. In the midst of the movement, a sound from the side caught his attention, though. He turned his head, spotting a figure sitting hunched on the step on the side, face buried in his hands and obviously crying. This now was something he hadn’t expected… He didn’t know how to deal with crying people anyway, why did it have to be him to walk in here right now? Still, he couldn’t just leave now that he had already probably been heard, could he…
Die was still debating with himself if he should stay or go, when he took a closer look at the form and suddenly recognized the person sitting there. Miyavi. He had known the other man was using the same building for recording this time around as they did, but he had only bumped to him once or twice and definitely not like this. Miyavi had seemed to be the same bouncy, happy person as ever, and now he was sitting here alone in the cold and bawling his eyes out? Die was worried, whether he wanted to or not, and that was when he made his decision and stepped closer. They might not be the closest of friends but they weren’t strangers either, they had been hitting the clubs together in the past and even fooled around, so he would have to try something.
“Hey,” his voice was soft as he stepped closer, pushing the pack of cigarettes back into his pocket as his plans had obviously changed from the original quick smoke on the roof. The initial answer was only a sniffle as well, but before long a pair of reddened eyes looked up at him from between a mass of brightly colored hair, tentatively. Die offered a soft smile, deciding he needed to be courageous and thus he took a seat right next to the younger man on the step, their shoulders brushing against each other softly. “Something wrong?” He wasn’t sure if he should go for such direct questions, but hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
This time the answer was a snort and Miyavi rolled his eyes, sighing in deep. “Don’t. Die, I appreciate what you’re doing, but – ” He didn’t get any further than that before his voice broke and he had to bite his lower lip to stifle another sob, his clear eyes filling with big tears. That made Die again act on instinct and he shifted a bit closer, sneaking an arm around the younger man’s waist. At least he hadn’t gotten his lights punched out just yet and thus he dared to venture forward bravely. He knew that when he felt completely devastated he needed some human contact, and something told him that the other man would be the same.
“C’mon, talk to me about it,” Die offered an honest smile. Miyavi was freezing cold, only wearing a thin sleeveless shirt and one could see the goosebumps that were rising on his skin. Without even really thinking of it, Die began to slowly rub on his thin arm, trying to offer at least some warmth in addition to sitting there so close next to him.
Miyavi sniffled a little bit, the frown on his face showing that he wasn’t all that pleased right now, didn’t really want to cry in front of the other man and appear so pathetic all in all. “What is there to say?” He tried in a small voice, coughing to steady it and swallowing hard the next second as it didn’t work. “I’m stressed and going nowhere, I have no life outside the music, I sleep in the studio and I haven’t even touched another person in ages. Fuck, Die,” he groaned frustrated, turning his face so he was looking straight at the older man. “I haven’t been this close to anyone in months.”
Die didn’t know how he should take that confession, stiffening for a second as he wasn’t sure if he should let go and unwrap his arms from around the other man. The next second Miyavi was melting against him, though, had tucked his head on his shoulder and was breathing hotly against his neck. That definitely wasn’t how someone acted if he was uncomfortable in the closeness. That encouraged Die to wrap his arms around the lithe form next to his even tighter, and he even pressed a soft kiss on the other man’s temple.
“Hey, it’s not that bad. It’s not like I have a life outside the band either,” he chuckled, cheerlessly. “You have no idea how many times I’ve slept in the studio, only to be woken up by that slavedriver of a bandleader in the early morning hours to go on working.” He knew it was a lame way to make the other man feel better but it was all that he came up with at such short notice. At least it didn’t seem to be the worst possible thing to say as Miyavi snorted, shaking his head a little bit. “Yeah. I know. I’m just tired. So very fucking tired.” His voice almost faded off as he went on in a small sigh. “And lonely.”
That was the best way to tug on Die’s heart’s strings as he definitely knew how it was to be lonely, and he didn’t like the feeling at all. He would rather go to a big party full of strangers and drink until everyone was his friend, since being alone simply wasn’t an option when he was feeling a certain way. Right now, he was focusing on making the other man feel better. “Well, I don’t know what it’s worth, but I’m here now. And I have no hurry, we can talk.” He offered although he knew Kaoru might gut him for that later on when he found out he had been just holding another guy in his arms while he was supposed to be working.
The thing was, Miyavi wasn’t just another random musician who happened to work in the same building as they. Things went deeper than that, more complicated. Ever since Die could remember there had been this certain attraction between them, and it had been clear for them both that they swung the same way. They had kissed at a party, no one had seen and they had ignored it for long afterwards. Then it had happened again, and this time they both knew it had been a step further. They had even slept together once, after a drunken night of partying when one thing led to another and they somehow ended up in Die’s apartment. They didn’t even make it into the bedroom but fucked like bunnies on the living room carpet, which Die regretted deeply in the morning as the damn carpet had left painful abrasions on his ass.
All that flashed through Die’s mind now and he thought that maybe, just maybe, that had all been leading up to this moment. He had never really believed in fate, that everything happened for a reason, but maybe all these years in the same band with Toshiya had rubbed off on him and he was beginning to be influenced too. At least now, when Miyavi tilted his head a bit and smiled at him tentatively, he couldn’t help but to smile back. “You wanna grab a beer? My place. I look like shit, I don’t really want to go out like this.” The younger man’s suggestion came in a silent voice, almost hesitantly.
“Sure,” Die heard himself replying before he even thought of it, “let’s get going. You’re going to freeze your ass off here otherwise.”
“I’ve had such a long and fucking annoying day that I don’t even want to talk about it!” Miyavi released an exaggeratedly huge sigh as he plopped down on the bed, already tugging on his shirt to throw it off. Next his long fingers went for his belt and he started to undo it, muttering angrily to himself as it felt as if everything was against him that day. Even that stupid belt buckle that wouldn’t open the way he wanted it to! Goddamnit, world, why do you have to be so cruel? He thought angrily, already prepared to go on with the long row of profanities slipping from him.
The next second he was completely cut off, though, as a pair of warm lips was pressed against his neck, a set of long arms wrapping around his midsection from behind. Die’s broad, flat chest pressed against his back, the warmth seeping from him and a whiff of his cologne reaching Miyavi’s nose so that he had to inhale instinctively to gain more of that scent. He couldn’t have stayed angry even if he had wanted to. He could literally feel the tension seep off his body, the angriness fade as it was being replaced by pure calmness. This had been exactly what he had needed. A hug, some cuddling, then sleep. It made him smile to notice that Die seemed to be reading his thoughts exactly. “Then don’t,” Die smiled against his neck, he could feel it. “Just forget about it.”
It seemed that he was going to say something further but suddenly a loud noise cut through the air, making them both jump and startle before they realized it was just Die’s mobile phone that was set on the bedside table. Die had to laugh as he realized how much they had both gotten scared by that damn thing, as he unhooked his arm from around his boyfriend and moved over to the side of the bed. He knew he had to at least check who was calling, otherwise it could get him into loads of troubles. As he flipped the phone open – Miyavi had always thought it was such an awesome phone for a rockstar, sarcastically speaking, bright red and decorated with everything sparkly – a smile instantly spread on his lips and he picked it up. “Tosh? How come you’re calling this late?”
Miyavi suppressed a small sigh. This could take a while. He knew how babbly both those men could get, especially with each other. Not that he really minded as it gave him a good opportunity to watch Die, watch him smile like that and twirl his hair around his fingers, laugh freely and burst into enthusiastic moments when he could talk like no other. Lost deep in his thoughts Miyavi pulled up his legs to hug them close to his chest, silently observing the other man.
After a while he got tired listening, stripped off his pants and socks as well and crawled under the covers on the bed. He was still watching, though, taking long glances at the other man from the corners of his eyes. Finally, the call ended, and instantly Die offered him an apologetic smile. “Band stuff.” He didn’t elaborate on it further, knew that it wouldn’t really interest the other man. They both worked in the same business and they knew better than to talk boring business with each other more than necessary.
Slowly, Die crawled on the bed and approached the younger man, stopping only when he was practically hovering above him. “And you tried to sneak into bed without giving me a good night kiss, eh?” He asked with a bright grin, bringing his face so close to the other man’s that their noses were almost touching. Miyavi couldn’t help but to chuckle, and instantly he took Die’s head between his palms, making him tilt it enough to connect their lips in a slow, sensual kiss. Die mewled into it, lowly, the sound forming somewhere in the back of his throat and that sent a pleasant tingle through the younger man.
One kiss turned to two kisses, three kisses, a whole row of kisses as they both got lost in them for a good while. When Die playfully caught Miyavi’s bottom lip between his teeth and tugged on it a bit, the younger man pushed him away laughing. “Oh no, Die, don’t even think of it! I need to get up at four in the morning to go to that stupid interview so I need sleep. After that, promised!”
Someone might’ve been upset from being turned down, but Die only laughed, obviously not minding. “You prude. You’re supposed to be the young and energetic one of the two of us, eh?” He mock-whined as he settled down on the bed, pushing the covers down enough so he could mould their bodies together and get as close as possible.
Die draped an arm around Miyavi’s middle, spooning him from behind comfortably. They were both still chuckling lightly, but slowly their breathing calmed down and they settled on the mattress comfortably, especially after the younger man pulled the blanket over their forms to keep them warm. He knew Die had the tendency to freeze easily, and he already automatically attended that before it even happened to prevent it. Die was relaxing so fast he might be claimed by sleep any moment, and the younger man knew he would need to speak now if he didn’t want to shake Die awake for it.
“Die?” There was no sound in the darkness and for a while Miyavi thought Die had already passed out, fallen into deep sleep. Then, a soft noise acknowledged his words. “Mmh?” It sounded so adorably sleepy that Miyavi couldn’t help but to smile, despite himself, and despite the fact that his heart was beating rapidly and his palms getting slightly sweaty from pure nervousness. He bit back his fears, trying to make his voice sound casual as he spoke finally. “Do you love me?” It turned out a mere whisper in the end.
“Of course I do.” Die’s voice was only a low purr, even slightly questioning as if he didn’t know where that now came from. He nuzzled his nose in the back of Miyavi’s neck, breathing hotly against his nape in a way that never failed to make him shudder pleasantly. It was obvious from everything that he was close to falling asleep, even if he momentarily tightened the hold he had of the younger man by hugging him a bit closer to himself.
Miyavi smiled at the certainty in the statement. Die did love him, that was not the issue. But that he knew he wasn’t the only one. As honest as those feelings might’ve been… it didn’t do much good if there was something to always hold him back. There was love, and there was love going both ways in this relationship, but Miyavi wasn’t sure if it would be enough. Enough to make them last, that was. He did love Die enough to let him go when he would have to. And that time might come sooner than he expected.
No matter what he did, he couldn’t forget that look in Die’s eyes. That deep, affectionate sparkle that seemed to come straight from his soul. That happy, genuinely happy, sparkle that had been indicated just by hearing that special voice in the other end of the line.
And there was no one else who made Die’s eyes sparkle quite like that.
He didn’t want to admit it. But he knew this wasn’t going to last forever.
It was bound to happen. Die tried, he really tried, all he could and there had been times when he had been happy. They had been happy. Moments when he had forgotten about his hopeless crush of ten years, when he had been able to focus on and enjoy the time shared with Miyavi. He knew they had both enjoyed it, and he didn’t regret anything, even if he couldn’t go on like this any longer. He was a hopeless case, now he knew it.
Die couldn’t help but to think back to the moment they had been holding each other like this almost a year ago, except that then he had been the one doing the holding and now he was the one crying against the other man’s shoulder. He felt somewhat pathetic, his eyes puffy and red and if it had been someone less close to him he would’ve been ashamed of the tears. Die didn’t cry, he bottled the tears up until he simply couldn’t take it anymore, he rather played strong than showed any signs of weakness. But he knew he could trust Miyavi, and only tried to hide a bit behind his hair as he pulled back slightly.
“I’m sorry,” he choked, swallowing hard to gain control over his voice again. He didn’t want to feel this way, nor look this way, since it was pretty damn clear how much ending this hurt him. A right decision or not, it wasn’t easy to end it after all they had been through. Especially when the feelings still went so deep. “It’s just… yeah. It’s hard.”
He didn’t manage to get any further before Miyavi cupped his cheek in his palm, stroking the smooth skin with his slightly rough fingertips. The feeling always made Die shudder, even now, and he doubted if it would ever end. “Don’t. Hey, we’ve been together for long, it’s not like you haven’t seen me cry too.” He pointed out with a soft smile and Die couldn’t help but to chuckle a bit as he agreed nodding.
They were both silent for a good while, just focusing on the shared warmth and the way they were still comfortable around each other. There was this certain melancholy lingering in the air, but otherwise it was just like it had been, natural and easy. Finally Miyavi broke the silence, and the older man startled a little as he noticed that his voice was shaken, too. ”You know, even though this ends, we will still be like brothers. Always. I do love you. Even if that is not enough for this to be happily ever after.”
Die nodded slowly, his eyes closed as he tried to process the words, go through their meaning in his mind and take it apart to analyze every single syllable spoken. He knew the younger guitarist was right. They loved each other, they were good together, but they were better as friends than lovers. In the end, he supposed, it was his fault. After all, he was the one who had already given away a large chunk of his heart years ago, and there was no taking it back. It wasn’t his to give away anymore, and thus he couldn’t give it to Miyavi either. His voice still broke as he spoke up, cracking into a chuckle. ”Some incestuous brothers we are. Or were.”
It made them both laugh through the tears and the lumps in their throats, through the melancholy and sadness. Die tilted his head up and their gazes met, both of them smiling, even with their eyes. There was no accusation, no bitterness, only honesty between them. Somehow it caused this empty feeling inside of Die when he realized that before, they would’ve kissed, lips meeting so easily in a moment like this. Now, Miyavi chuckled lightly, averting his gaze with a slight blush dancing on his cheeks.
It wasn’t easy, not even close. But at least there was no fighting, no plates thrown on the walls and no punches aimed at each other, verbally or physically. It was almost as easy to fall back to being friends as it had been to deepen it to a real relationship. They both had such a busy schedule that they naturally had some time apart, and in this case, distance truly was like salve on the aching wounds.
With time, everything had gotten easier, gradually. When Miyavi had gotten married, two years after the break-up, Die had even received an invitation to the wedding. He didn’t go. He granted the younger man his happiness, he truly did, and he had even met the bride and liked her. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to go to the wedding, knowing that it would be where everything would surface again. The rational part of his mind knew that Miyavi and he were better off as friends, and he was happy with the way things were. Still, watching him swear his eternal love and adoration to someone else would’ve felt like a punch in the gut, seeing their past together.
It was only when the younger man’s happiness was filled with a child that Die finally took the time to visit him in his new home. He didn’t know if Miyavi had told his wife about their past together, but he didn’t really even care as what would it have changed in the end? It was exactly that, a past, and all that mattered right now was the fact that they were close friends together. The baby was incredibly adorable and Die could instantly see how much she meant for Miyavi. He was practically shining, a typical proud dad, and holding the baby girl carefully in his arms as if she might break if handled too roughly.
The baby girl seemed to like people in general, or at least she liked Die as the moment he took her in his arms she was giggling merrily and tried to catch the longer chocolate brown strands of hair to stuff them in her mouth. Die found himself smiling instantly, as he had to admit that this drooling, smelly little thing was indeed quite adorable. “She likes you,” Miyavi winked, the smile on his face so wide it almost seemed to break it in half. “She’s not usually that friendly with strangers right away.”
That now made Die laugh and he flashed the baby a stunning smile that usually charmed everyone. Apparently it worked on her too, as she made a happy gargling sound, waving her little fists in the air as if she was practicing to be a cheerleader when she’d grow up. “She is adorable. Looks like you. At least she has the same wild hair,” he chuckled, gently twisting a black lock of hair between his fingers. The dark hair was sticking up to every possible direction, looking almost like it was styled like that even though it was natural. Suddenly, Die pulled a face, though, coughing exaggeratedly. “And she smells like sh – I mean, bad.”
The wording made Miyavi laugh and he already stood up to get the baby from his friend. “She does that a lot. I think she comes after her father in that, too.” He grinned. He had barely managed to lift the girl in his arms when his wife stepped close, taking her and promising to take care of the smell. After all, she knew that Die was one of the best friends of her husband, and visited so very rarely, so she wanted to give them more time together. Even if it was just a short moment free of changing the diapers.
There was a short silence as the girls were gone, during which Miyavi sat down on the couch right next to Die again, smiling dreamily to himself. “You seem happy,” Die surprised even himself with how much he meant the words, especially when he went on, “I’m really glad for you.” He might’ve been jealous at first, cranky that the time when they had officially been us instead of you and me was over, but right now all he felt was honest to god, pure happiness for his friend. Maybe partly because his own life was finally beginning to take shape like he had hoped it to. He was getting where he had wanted to be for ten years now and it was sometimes still too good to even believe to be true. Maybe now that he was happy, he could be happy for the other man too.
“I am happy. But you know, Die,” Miyavi returned the smile, turning a bit to look straight at the older guitarist. “You seem to be doing good too. Finally sorting out the issue?” He had taken it a habit to shortly refer to the whole thing as ‘the issue’ to shorten it out. Die even blushed a little but he nodded, unable to hold back a small chuckle. “Yeah. Actually, we are living together now. I never spent much time at my place, anyway… so I moved my toothbrush to his place.”
That made Miyavi’s smile even widen and he nodded a bit. “Awesome. See? I told you we’d both get our happy endings.” He was an overly positive person and while Die was hardly negative himself, in this company he often felt like that. “Even if for me it meant to get married and grow a family. I think it’s your fault!” Miyavi suddenly announced and although he was grinning, there was at least a hint of truth in the words, especially when he went on. “You spoiled me for all the other guys, I swear you did.”
Die shook his head a bit, smiling involuntarily. “Does it even matter? You have a family now, so you don’t need to lust after random dudes,” he winked, joining in to the laughter as Miyavi cracked up instantly. “Man, Die, you will never change!” He laughed freely, stopping only to look straight into the other man’s eyes, the grin still plastered all over his lips. “I really do love you. Always will.” They both knew how he meant it, honest and open and, at this point in their lives, completely platonic.
“I know.” Die smiled. He knew.
He knew, no matter what life would throw at them, they would stick together and keep up the friendship. For once in his life, Die was willing to fight to stay friends with an ex. Even though they had both moved on and neither of them wanted to go back in time to how they had been, it had created a special bond between them that would never break.
And sometimes, in the darkness of the night, they both would think back to the year together, a hint of melancholy lacing the memories. But they would smile, turn around and face the future, once again.