rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2010-09-24 10:20 am
rabenhorst) wrote2010-09-24 10:20 am
(no subject)
Title: Fifteen Years: Part II – What a Mess
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Toshiya/Die (eventually), some Miyavi/Die, significant appearances by Kaoru and Kyo
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Your life is formed by countless encounters and people who mean a lot to you, in one way or another. Sometimes all you can do is hope that all those encounters finally lead you to the point you always wanted to get to. And maybe you can enjoy the road there, on the way.
Comments:
fonulyn: So now it’s Kyo’s turn to make his appearance :) I quite liked bringing him in, even if only for a short scene (and although I admit I enjoyed writing Kaoru in the first chapter even more *laughs*). I’m going away for the weekend but I decided I could post the second chapter for those few who seemed interested. Please do enjoy ;)
And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
Previously happened:
Part I
Fifteen Years: Part II – What a Mess
At first Die had thought that his impossible, schoolboy crush would pass by as soon as it had appeared. In a way it did, as he became good friends with the newcomer, and most of the time he was able to channel the affection into the friendship that grew deeper with time. Thankfully Toshiya was an affectionate friend, always up for a hug and getting unbearably touchy-feely when he was drunk. Sometimes it made things uncomfortable for Die as he was sporting an impressive hard-on, trying to hide it the best he could while his friend was draped all over his back, babbling nonstop about some chick he had flirted with in the aftershow party. Most of the time, though, he enjoyed the closeness and the way Toshiya might just walk up at him and hug him wordlessly if he saw he was in the need for it.
It was funny, even, how Toshiya was so good at reading Die and yet didn’t seem to notice any hints at his ever-growing attraction and affection towards him. Or maybe he, being the cuddly person he was, just misinterpreted it as genuine friendship and nothing more. Whatever it was, even after six years in the same band, six years of working together, six years of growing friendship, Die was having a helpless crush on the bassist, who seemed as clueless as ever. Everyone else seemed to be aware of it, too. At least Kaoru knew, being Die’s best friend for years now and the unfortunate one who had to always deal with the redhead’s drunken babbling and confessions of his frustration. Kaoru took it well, though, he didn’t even seem to mind to find the moody Die at his doorstep regularly a few times a year. Shinya knew, too, he had at least hinted towards it a few times, always managing to make Die dodge the topic and vanish the site in nanoseconds.
For long, Die had thought that Kyo was as clueless as Toshiya. He had to be proven wrong, though.
There was nothing new in the regular parties that they or one of their friends arranged and this one was no exception. A bunch of rock stars and wannabe-rock stars drinking senselessly, chain-smoking, listening to loud music and bragging with their achievements. What was new, was the fact that Kyo had stayed for longer than just the first couple of hours, although usually he was the first one to leave for one reason or another. Not that anyone even noticed that really, since they were all so drunk and busy with whatever the hell they were doing.
At one point the loud music and talking – and admittedly the fact that Toshiya was quite massively making out with his current boyfriend in one of the secluded corners – got too much for Die to handle and he escaped outside into the clear, cool night air. The balcony was small but thankfully he was the only one there, and he found the fact quite comforting. He could still hear the loud music and people talking even through the glass door and the large window, but somehow it felt like he was in a completely different world, like the barrier between them divided reality and this nightly smoke under the stars. At least he thought he saw a couple of stars up there, even though the city lights effectively dimmed most of them from sight.
Suddenly the sounds got louder for a moment, before fading again, and from that Die knew that someone had opened the door and slipped outside as well. He didn’t know who he was expecting but when he looked to the side and spotted Kyo he was surprised, his eyes widening a little bit as he turned sideways to look at him properly while still leaning against the railing. “I thought you already went home.” He remarked idly, grabbing the pack of cigarettes from his pocket to offer the other man one as well. Wordlessly, Kyo took it, although they both knew he was trying to cut down on smoking and didn’t do it half as much as before.
“I thought you already grew enough balls to get your love-life in order.” That now was a second thing that startled Die within the past five minutes and he flinched visibly, looking at the smaller man as if he had completely lost his mind.
Finally, he got himself under control again, turning away from the vocalist as he leaned over the railing again. The cool metal felt surprisingly calming against his bare skin when he placed his elbows on it, bringing the cigarette back to his lips. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” There was a barely noticeable tremble in his voice and he knew that his bodylanguage was radiating tension, his whole being screaming ‘caught’. Kyo wasn’t usually the one to push things so maybe if he signalled that he really didn’t want to talk about it, he would drop the topic and let it be.
It seemed that this time Die didn’t have such luck, though. There was clear irritation in Kyo’s voice as he spoke up, almost snorting the first words. “Toshiya.” He waited for a second and when Die didn’t react, he went on, insisting. ”I’m talking about Toshiya, Die. You’ve had an epic crush on him for years, have you not?” Somehow Kyo was able to do this ‘lie to me and I will rip your guts out through your ass’ tone, making his voice so stern it was impossible to just wave it off or ignore it without responding.
Die sighed. “Yeah, you’re right.” He could as well admit it, now couldn’t he? Wouldn’t change anything anyway. Besides he was drunk enough right now to not care what the other man knew and what not. Maybe if he would go inside and drown that bottle of Jack he had seen, he would forget that the discussion ever took place and could pretend that no one knew about the hole he had dug for himself and was now unable to get out.
For a moment it was silent and a part of Die already hoped that Kyo had regretted his outburst and decided it wasn’t worth it. He got proven wrong the next moment, though, when the other man spoke up again, his voice low but still stern. He was obviously determined to go through with this, no matter what. “I know it’s not my place to interfere but Die, you’re my friend too. And you’re obviously not dealing with the situation all that well. What’s with all the moping around, eh?” There was even a hint of concern laced in the words in the end, and if Die had bothered to look at the other man he would’ve seen the genuinely worried look in his eyes.
Die kept his eyes forward, though, staring into the distance as if he saw something really interesting there. The cigarette had already burned to ashes and he realized it only when it burned his fingers, making him drop the remains instinctively and wave his hand a bit to ease the burn. “I just have moods. Not that big of a deal.” He tried to play it down, still not looking at the younger man. Nervously, he twisted his fingers, feeling like he needed something to do with them or he would simply go mad. With shaky hands he reached for the cigarettes again, thinking he’d light another one.
“Yes it is a big deal, Die.” Kyo insisted and reached out, placing his hand on Die’s wrist. It made the older man look up and suddenly he looked incredibly tired, a weary look in his eyes and huge black circles underneath them. It made something sting inside of Kyo but he knew he couldn’t leave it be now that he had gotten this far, and he went on softly. “It is when you look at his newest boyfriend like you want to scratch his eyes out and gut him like a deer in front of everyone.” Okay maybe that was slightly exaggerated, but the fact was that the looks Die had been casting towards Ryuichi had been everything but friendly, varying from despise to sheer anger.
“I do not!” Die felt the need to deny it anyway, but when he gained only an admonishing look from the other man, along with a questioningly arched eyebrow he sighed deeply and admitted it all. “Okay, maybe I do. But it doesn’t really matter.” Why did he feel like he was a teenager again, questioned by his mother and unable to lie his way out of the situation? He let the cigarettes be, dropping the pack back into his pocket and practically slumped against the railing again, leaning his back and his elbows against it. “He is moving in together with him, did you hear that?” He asked suddenly, meeting Kyo’s gaze with his own.
That was clearly a new piece of information for the vocalist and his eyes widened a little bit before he pursed his lips, giving a slow nod. “Oh. I didn’t know.” He admitted and understanding was dawning in his eyes as he pieced the puzzle together. He had figured that Toshiya was going through one of his short-term girl- or boyfriends and it hadn’t been anything serious, and had already thought he’d push Die into trying something when the first opportunity presented itself. But moving in together? That was something major. That meant it was serious. At least in Toshiya’s world it did, he hadn’t moved in with more than one or two persons in this whole time they had known each other.
“Yeah, well, now you do.” Die sighed again, closing his eyes. Something twitched in his stomach and he couldn’t help but to bite the insides of his cheeks, trying to look as casual as humanly possible. Heartaches were for chicks, right? He wasn’t supposed to feel like someone had punched him in the guts and left him there gasping for air. “I know it’s my own fault,” he smiled wryly, finally opening his eyes as he looked at the other man. “I know I had six years to make a move and to make something happen. I never dared to, and now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass. I can’t stand to watch him like that, but I wasted my own opportunities and it’s not fair to make him suffer from it, too.”
Maybe that was love? He didn’t want to see Toshiya with someone else, but he didn’t want to ruin his life when he seemed to be happy, either. Either love or some false morals and masochism, he didn’t know, but he did know that he wouldn’t do anything to break apart the happy couple. “I don’t know if I’ll ever manage to be genuinely happy for him. But I can try, and I will goddamn pretend I am even if it doesn’t work out.” He burst out, clenching his fists helplessly now that he still didn’t have anything to do with his hands. “He deserves it.”
For long, Kyo was silent. Die didn’t feel the need to say anything further, either, as he had already burst out everything that had been festering inside of him and felt oddly relieved, even. Maybe he could learn to live with this once? It was bound to get easier. And he didn’t want to lose the precious friendship he had with the bassist. Finally the small vocalist spoke up, turning to lean on the railing as well so that they were both staring inside through the dimmed window. “Shit, what a mess.” The words seemed to come straight from Kyo’s heart and he obviously meant it.
Die could only agree. Shit, what a mess. And he had only himself to blame for it.
Author:
fonulynRating: PG13
Pairing: Toshiya/Die (eventually), some Miyavi/Die, significant appearances by Kaoru and Kyo
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Summary: Your life is formed by countless encounters and people who mean a lot to you, in one way or another. Sometimes all you can do is hope that all those encounters finally lead you to the point you always wanted to get to. And maybe you can enjoy the road there, on the way.
Comments:
fonulyn: So now it’s Kyo’s turn to make his appearance :) I quite liked bringing him in, even if only for a short scene (and although I admit I enjoyed writing Kaoru in the first chapter even more *laughs*). I’m going away for the weekend but I decided I could post the second chapter for those few who seemed interested. Please do enjoy ;) And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
Previously happened:
Part I
At first Die had thought that his impossible, schoolboy crush would pass by as soon as it had appeared. In a way it did, as he became good friends with the newcomer, and most of the time he was able to channel the affection into the friendship that grew deeper with time. Thankfully Toshiya was an affectionate friend, always up for a hug and getting unbearably touchy-feely when he was drunk. Sometimes it made things uncomfortable for Die as he was sporting an impressive hard-on, trying to hide it the best he could while his friend was draped all over his back, babbling nonstop about some chick he had flirted with in the aftershow party. Most of the time, though, he enjoyed the closeness and the way Toshiya might just walk up at him and hug him wordlessly if he saw he was in the need for it.
It was funny, even, how Toshiya was so good at reading Die and yet didn’t seem to notice any hints at his ever-growing attraction and affection towards him. Or maybe he, being the cuddly person he was, just misinterpreted it as genuine friendship and nothing more. Whatever it was, even after six years in the same band, six years of working together, six years of growing friendship, Die was having a helpless crush on the bassist, who seemed as clueless as ever. Everyone else seemed to be aware of it, too. At least Kaoru knew, being Die’s best friend for years now and the unfortunate one who had to always deal with the redhead’s drunken babbling and confessions of his frustration. Kaoru took it well, though, he didn’t even seem to mind to find the moody Die at his doorstep regularly a few times a year. Shinya knew, too, he had at least hinted towards it a few times, always managing to make Die dodge the topic and vanish the site in nanoseconds.
For long, Die had thought that Kyo was as clueless as Toshiya. He had to be proven wrong, though.
There was nothing new in the regular parties that they or one of their friends arranged and this one was no exception. A bunch of rock stars and wannabe-rock stars drinking senselessly, chain-smoking, listening to loud music and bragging with their achievements. What was new, was the fact that Kyo had stayed for longer than just the first couple of hours, although usually he was the first one to leave for one reason or another. Not that anyone even noticed that really, since they were all so drunk and busy with whatever the hell they were doing.
At one point the loud music and talking – and admittedly the fact that Toshiya was quite massively making out with his current boyfriend in one of the secluded corners – got too much for Die to handle and he escaped outside into the clear, cool night air. The balcony was small but thankfully he was the only one there, and he found the fact quite comforting. He could still hear the loud music and people talking even through the glass door and the large window, but somehow it felt like he was in a completely different world, like the barrier between them divided reality and this nightly smoke under the stars. At least he thought he saw a couple of stars up there, even though the city lights effectively dimmed most of them from sight.
Suddenly the sounds got louder for a moment, before fading again, and from that Die knew that someone had opened the door and slipped outside as well. He didn’t know who he was expecting but when he looked to the side and spotted Kyo he was surprised, his eyes widening a little bit as he turned sideways to look at him properly while still leaning against the railing. “I thought you already went home.” He remarked idly, grabbing the pack of cigarettes from his pocket to offer the other man one as well. Wordlessly, Kyo took it, although they both knew he was trying to cut down on smoking and didn’t do it half as much as before.
“I thought you already grew enough balls to get your love-life in order.” That now was a second thing that startled Die within the past five minutes and he flinched visibly, looking at the smaller man as if he had completely lost his mind.
Finally, he got himself under control again, turning away from the vocalist as he leaned over the railing again. The cool metal felt surprisingly calming against his bare skin when he placed his elbows on it, bringing the cigarette back to his lips. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” There was a barely noticeable tremble in his voice and he knew that his bodylanguage was radiating tension, his whole being screaming ‘caught’. Kyo wasn’t usually the one to push things so maybe if he signalled that he really didn’t want to talk about it, he would drop the topic and let it be.
It seemed that this time Die didn’t have such luck, though. There was clear irritation in Kyo’s voice as he spoke up, almost snorting the first words. “Toshiya.” He waited for a second and when Die didn’t react, he went on, insisting. ”I’m talking about Toshiya, Die. You’ve had an epic crush on him for years, have you not?” Somehow Kyo was able to do this ‘lie to me and I will rip your guts out through your ass’ tone, making his voice so stern it was impossible to just wave it off or ignore it without responding.
Die sighed. “Yeah, you’re right.” He could as well admit it, now couldn’t he? Wouldn’t change anything anyway. Besides he was drunk enough right now to not care what the other man knew and what not. Maybe if he would go inside and drown that bottle of Jack he had seen, he would forget that the discussion ever took place and could pretend that no one knew about the hole he had dug for himself and was now unable to get out.
For a moment it was silent and a part of Die already hoped that Kyo had regretted his outburst and decided it wasn’t worth it. He got proven wrong the next moment, though, when the other man spoke up again, his voice low but still stern. He was obviously determined to go through with this, no matter what. “I know it’s not my place to interfere but Die, you’re my friend too. And you’re obviously not dealing with the situation all that well. What’s with all the moping around, eh?” There was even a hint of concern laced in the words in the end, and if Die had bothered to look at the other man he would’ve seen the genuinely worried look in his eyes.
Die kept his eyes forward, though, staring into the distance as if he saw something really interesting there. The cigarette had already burned to ashes and he realized it only when it burned his fingers, making him drop the remains instinctively and wave his hand a bit to ease the burn. “I just have moods. Not that big of a deal.” He tried to play it down, still not looking at the younger man. Nervously, he twisted his fingers, feeling like he needed something to do with them or he would simply go mad. With shaky hands he reached for the cigarettes again, thinking he’d light another one.
“Yes it is a big deal, Die.” Kyo insisted and reached out, placing his hand on Die’s wrist. It made the older man look up and suddenly he looked incredibly tired, a weary look in his eyes and huge black circles underneath them. It made something sting inside of Kyo but he knew he couldn’t leave it be now that he had gotten this far, and he went on softly. “It is when you look at his newest boyfriend like you want to scratch his eyes out and gut him like a deer in front of everyone.” Okay maybe that was slightly exaggerated, but the fact was that the looks Die had been casting towards Ryuichi had been everything but friendly, varying from despise to sheer anger.
“I do not!” Die felt the need to deny it anyway, but when he gained only an admonishing look from the other man, along with a questioningly arched eyebrow he sighed deeply and admitted it all. “Okay, maybe I do. But it doesn’t really matter.” Why did he feel like he was a teenager again, questioned by his mother and unable to lie his way out of the situation? He let the cigarettes be, dropping the pack back into his pocket and practically slumped against the railing again, leaning his back and his elbows against it. “He is moving in together with him, did you hear that?” He asked suddenly, meeting Kyo’s gaze with his own.
That was clearly a new piece of information for the vocalist and his eyes widened a little bit before he pursed his lips, giving a slow nod. “Oh. I didn’t know.” He admitted and understanding was dawning in his eyes as he pieced the puzzle together. He had figured that Toshiya was going through one of his short-term girl- or boyfriends and it hadn’t been anything serious, and had already thought he’d push Die into trying something when the first opportunity presented itself. But moving in together? That was something major. That meant it was serious. At least in Toshiya’s world it did, he hadn’t moved in with more than one or two persons in this whole time they had known each other.
“Yeah, well, now you do.” Die sighed again, closing his eyes. Something twitched in his stomach and he couldn’t help but to bite the insides of his cheeks, trying to look as casual as humanly possible. Heartaches were for chicks, right? He wasn’t supposed to feel like someone had punched him in the guts and left him there gasping for air. “I know it’s my own fault,” he smiled wryly, finally opening his eyes as he looked at the other man. “I know I had six years to make a move and to make something happen. I never dared to, and now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass. I can’t stand to watch him like that, but I wasted my own opportunities and it’s not fair to make him suffer from it, too.”
Maybe that was love? He didn’t want to see Toshiya with someone else, but he didn’t want to ruin his life when he seemed to be happy, either. Either love or some false morals and masochism, he didn’t know, but he did know that he wouldn’t do anything to break apart the happy couple. “I don’t know if I’ll ever manage to be genuinely happy for him. But I can try, and I will goddamn pretend I am even if it doesn’t work out.” He burst out, clenching his fists helplessly now that he still didn’t have anything to do with his hands. “He deserves it.”
For long, Kyo was silent. Die didn’t feel the need to say anything further, either, as he had already burst out everything that had been festering inside of him and felt oddly relieved, even. Maybe he could learn to live with this once? It was bound to get easier. And he didn’t want to lose the precious friendship he had with the bassist. Finally the small vocalist spoke up, turning to lean on the railing as well so that they were both staring inside through the dimmed window. “Shit, what a mess.” The words seemed to come straight from Kyo’s heart and he obviously meant it.
Die could only agree. Shit, what a mess. And he had only himself to blame for it.