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rabenhorst) wrote2010-01-07 05:01 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2010-01-07 05:01 pm
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Learn to Love
2007
Every time they ended a longer tour, they all headed to their own directions for a few days, not even trying to contact each other. It was like a wordless agreement, something that kept them sane and still friends after such a long time. A short break was simply needed every once in a while. Only that when it came to Die and Toshiya, the break was usually hardly a full day before one of them either called or texted the other. That was exactly the reason why Die was beginning to be worried when he hadn’t heard anything of the bassist for three days. He had tried to call, too, but the other man didn’t pick up the phone and didn’t answer to any messages either.
That was when Die decided to go over for a visit. On his way he grabbed some takeout as he headed to the bassist’s apartment. At least Toshiya’s car was parked neatly on its usual spot, which meant that he was probably home. Why he didn’t return any of his calls, that didn’t explain naturally, but Die was determined to find out the reasons to that. He wouldn’t be leaving without a proper explanation, that he had decided. To his relief, shortly after he rang the doorbell there already were steps to be heard, the door creaking open not too long afterwards.
“Morning Tosh,” he greeted his friend with a smile, while scanning his appearance for signs of what was going on. He had a big brown bag in his hand and he raised it, presenting it to the younger man. “I brought food! Mexican. May I come in?” The mention of food at least earned a smile from Toshiya, so the man couldn’t be too far gone. He looked a bit messy, and the dark circles around his eyes definitely showed he hadn’t been sleeping much at all. Yet a smile was always a good sign, and it was a genuine gesture when he let Die in.
They ended up on the bassist’s couch, sitting in front of the TV without even turning it on. They just attended their food – Die had known exactly what to pick for both of them – like they hadn’t seen any for days. For all Die knew maybe Toshiya hadn’t. He hadn’t been answering his phone for nearly a week at least, who knew if he had eaten meanwhile. Or slept, judging by how he looked. Several attempts of light banter died on their own, after just a few casually spoken words. Toshiya was somehow like half asleep, a bit out of it, and it didn’t seem he was fully at his senses.
That was when Die couldn’t take it any longer. He had to do something, right? “C’mon Tosh. What’s wrong?” He prompted gently, placing his palm on the other man’s knee. Absent-mindedly he was stroking his thigh through the fabric of his pants, while looking straight at him with a hint of worry in his eyes. The younger man sighed, trying to avoid the eye-contact and turned his head away at first. He was obviously too tired to fight it though, his self defences crumbling. It only took a “Talk to me. I’m here.” from Die and he gained a nod as an agreement.
“Thirteen years ago today,” Toshiya began, closing his eyes while he spoke. Otherwise it would’ve looked as if he was going back to some pleasant memory but there was a steep wrinkle between his eyes, something coming either from focusing so hard or suppressing something unpleasant. Die didn’t say anything though, just sat there, listening. “My friend killed himself. It was just a normal morning – a Wednesday – and I was waiting for him to come to school. He came, alright, and he had a gun. And right there on the schoolyard he told me he loved me. And blew his brains out.”
It was almost frightening how casually he told about the event, and Die wasn’t sure which shocked him more. He had heard the other man once talk about a friend who had killed himself but he had had no idea that he had actually seen it. Been there. Now the way Toshiya spoke, it was like he was remembering someone else’s life, instead of his own. Die didn’t know what to do, but he automatically reached out his hand, his fingertips brushing over Toshiya’s shoulder. He already opened his mouth to say something, when he was cut off by Toshiya again. The bassist’s eyes snapped wide open, his gaze so intense it made Die freeze on the spot.
“But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is you.” Again, he cut Die off, which wasn’t that hard of a task anyways as the guitarist was so shaken to begin with. “I have this dream, this nightmare, for years now. For ten friggin’ years, ever since you got your hair dyed red and it was like, right after we met…” This time it was Toshiya who reached out his hand, carefully taking a red strand of hair between his fingers, his eyes directed to his doings as he toyed with it. “The beginning is always different, but always happy. We’re out drinking, or here eating takeout, or at Shinya’s place celebrating his engagement or in this restaurant Kaoru took us before the first US tour. You’re sitting beside me, and you’re smiling. You smile and I reach out for your hair, touch it, and suddenly it’s not hair.”
Toshiya’s voice was still calm and silent but suddenly he let go of Die’s hair again, startling backwards as if it was poisoned, a look of terror in his eyes. “It’s blood. It’s blood and it’s everywhere and your smile is dying on your lips when you fall down in front of me. I try to help you but the blood just keeps on coming and I know that it’s the end, that there’s noting I can do, nothing anyone can do. Every fucking night I lose you in my sleep. And I can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch you dying. I can’t.”
To Die, it felt as if he was trapped in a nightmare right now. He was scared, scared of his friend and scared for his friend. Toshiya was acting like in a haze, like he was somehow drugged and still he knew there was nothing but the lack of sleep that made him act like this. So calm, so collected and at the same time acutely suppressing panic.
Toshiya was almost completely still when Die pulled him close, hugged him against himself and held him tight. After a second, he hesitantly wrapped his arms around the guitarist though, returning the embrace. They were practically clinging on to each other, and neither of them knew who needed the embrace more. That night, Die didn’t go anywhere.
And the next day Die dyed his hair. No more red. Never again.
Previous Part | Next Part
2007
Every time they ended a longer tour, they all headed to their own directions for a few days, not even trying to contact each other. It was like a wordless agreement, something that kept them sane and still friends after such a long time. A short break was simply needed every once in a while. Only that when it came to Die and Toshiya, the break was usually hardly a full day before one of them either called or texted the other. That was exactly the reason why Die was beginning to be worried when he hadn’t heard anything of the bassist for three days. He had tried to call, too, but the other man didn’t pick up the phone and didn’t answer to any messages either.
That was when Die decided to go over for a visit. On his way he grabbed some takeout as he headed to the bassist’s apartment. At least Toshiya’s car was parked neatly on its usual spot, which meant that he was probably home. Why he didn’t return any of his calls, that didn’t explain naturally, but Die was determined to find out the reasons to that. He wouldn’t be leaving without a proper explanation, that he had decided. To his relief, shortly after he rang the doorbell there already were steps to be heard, the door creaking open not too long afterwards.
“Morning Tosh,” he greeted his friend with a smile, while scanning his appearance for signs of what was going on. He had a big brown bag in his hand and he raised it, presenting it to the younger man. “I brought food! Mexican. May I come in?” The mention of food at least earned a smile from Toshiya, so the man couldn’t be too far gone. He looked a bit messy, and the dark circles around his eyes definitely showed he hadn’t been sleeping much at all. Yet a smile was always a good sign, and it was a genuine gesture when he let Die in.
They ended up on the bassist’s couch, sitting in front of the TV without even turning it on. They just attended their food – Die had known exactly what to pick for both of them – like they hadn’t seen any for days. For all Die knew maybe Toshiya hadn’t. He hadn’t been answering his phone for nearly a week at least, who knew if he had eaten meanwhile. Or slept, judging by how he looked. Several attempts of light banter died on their own, after just a few casually spoken words. Toshiya was somehow like half asleep, a bit out of it, and it didn’t seem he was fully at his senses.
That was when Die couldn’t take it any longer. He had to do something, right? “C’mon Tosh. What’s wrong?” He prompted gently, placing his palm on the other man’s knee. Absent-mindedly he was stroking his thigh through the fabric of his pants, while looking straight at him with a hint of worry in his eyes. The younger man sighed, trying to avoid the eye-contact and turned his head away at first. He was obviously too tired to fight it though, his self defences crumbling. It only took a “Talk to me. I’m here.” from Die and he gained a nod as an agreement.
“Thirteen years ago today,” Toshiya began, closing his eyes while he spoke. Otherwise it would’ve looked as if he was going back to some pleasant memory but there was a steep wrinkle between his eyes, something coming either from focusing so hard or suppressing something unpleasant. Die didn’t say anything though, just sat there, listening. “My friend killed himself. It was just a normal morning – a Wednesday – and I was waiting for him to come to school. He came, alright, and he had a gun. And right there on the schoolyard he told me he loved me. And blew his brains out.”
It was almost frightening how casually he told about the event, and Die wasn’t sure which shocked him more. He had heard the other man once talk about a friend who had killed himself but he had had no idea that he had actually seen it. Been there. Now the way Toshiya spoke, it was like he was remembering someone else’s life, instead of his own. Die didn’t know what to do, but he automatically reached out his hand, his fingertips brushing over Toshiya’s shoulder. He already opened his mouth to say something, when he was cut off by Toshiya again. The bassist’s eyes snapped wide open, his gaze so intense it made Die freeze on the spot.
“But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is you.” Again, he cut Die off, which wasn’t that hard of a task anyways as the guitarist was so shaken to begin with. “I have this dream, this nightmare, for years now. For ten friggin’ years, ever since you got your hair dyed red and it was like, right after we met…” This time it was Toshiya who reached out his hand, carefully taking a red strand of hair between his fingers, his eyes directed to his doings as he toyed with it. “The beginning is always different, but always happy. We’re out drinking, or here eating takeout, or at Shinya’s place celebrating his engagement or in this restaurant Kaoru took us before the first US tour. You’re sitting beside me, and you’re smiling. You smile and I reach out for your hair, touch it, and suddenly it’s not hair.”
Toshiya’s voice was still calm and silent but suddenly he let go of Die’s hair again, startling backwards as if it was poisoned, a look of terror in his eyes. “It’s blood. It’s blood and it’s everywhere and your smile is dying on your lips when you fall down in front of me. I try to help you but the blood just keeps on coming and I know that it’s the end, that there’s noting I can do, nothing anyone can do. Every fucking night I lose you in my sleep. And I can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch you dying. I can’t.”
To Die, it felt as if he was trapped in a nightmare right now. He was scared, scared of his friend and scared for his friend. Toshiya was acting like in a haze, like he was somehow drugged and still he knew there was nothing but the lack of sleep that made him act like this. So calm, so collected and at the same time acutely suppressing panic.
Toshiya was almost completely still when Die pulled him close, hugged him against himself and held him tight. After a second, he hesitantly wrapped his arms around the guitarist though, returning the embrace. They were practically clinging on to each other, and neither of them knew who needed the embrace more. That night, Die didn’t go anywhere.
And the next day Die dyed his hair. No more red. Never again.