(no subject)

[rabenhorst]

Title: Alive No More
Author: fonulyn
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Whomever. Written as KaoruxDie though, out of someone third person's POV.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the persons mentioned in this nor have any connections with them. I do not get any money from this, and it's written solely for entertainment purposes meaning no harm.
Comments: Someone is alone and suffering. Angst.


Alive No More


These bitter tears fill up my sorrowed eyes as I lay my head down and beg myself to be so brave.

I lay on my bed and take a glance at the clock. 21:58. It was seven days, three hours and twenty-eight minutes ago when my life collapsed, faded to nothingness. It was seven days, three hours and twenty-eight minutes ago when you told me you didn’t love me anymore. That you weren’t sure you ever had. Now I can’t sleep anymore. Every time I close my eyes I see you. I wonder why you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you care for me? Did you ever love me?

Oh, how I miss your loving hate…

First I thought that it was a cruel joke. Nice one, Kao, nice one. Now stop joking and come here. But then I saw the look in your eyes and it wasn’t amused. I saw pain, sorrow and relief. Pain, because you didn’t want to hurt me. Sorrow, because of what we had had died. Relief, because you didn’t have to be pretending anymore. It’s how you’ve always been, straightforward and honest.

When you dropped the bomb, I remained stoic outside. Inside I was screaming, falling apart. It was a total destruction in my heart, mind and soul. I asked why, you answered nothing. It didn’t really matter because I knew. You loved someone else, had for a long time. Still you had tried to stay with me, to love me. I guess I should be thankful. But really I wish that you’d ended all earlier, so that it would’ve maybe been easier.

Seven days, three hours and twenty-nine minutes. Why does it feel like eternity?

You promised ”…’til death do us part”, and then you made a stone of my heart.

I rise up slowly and head for the bathroom. Maybe I could sleep if I took some pills. Maybe I could forget for a while how my mind still screams for you. Fuck you, Kaoru! I hate you! Why did you do this to me? Still, deep inside I know that I don’t really hate you. I just love you too much. And it hurts when you don’t love me back. Instead you love him. Why? I don’t know. I don’t know how he’s better than me in your eyes. But there’s nothing I can do.

Gone are the times when I felt alive
Gone are those nights with you by my side
And now here I stand as the shadows grow deep…
The moon shuts her eyes
and great black clouds cover the sky
Rain bathes the ground
while I live in darkness like the blind

I look at my pale figure in the mirror while my mind continues to race. I told you that I would get over this. That you shouldn’t worry over me. Just continue your own happy little life without me. But I’m not sure anymore. I’m not sure at all. If I wasn’t so addicted to you I would just end this all. But I won’t. I still get to see you almost every day. Hear your voice, see your eyes, maybe even get to touch you slightly when you walk past me. I still breathe you. Live for you.

I hate life
I hate this shit
I love you and I hate myself
I hate our world
and everything in it
I hate loving you
I hate
I hate

I punch my fist through the mirror in the bathroom. It shatters into dozens of tiny pieces. Just like I did. I died inside.


[Quotes are written in italics and taken from various songs by Sentenced.]