rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2009-05-29 09:41 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2009-05-29 09:41 pm
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For the Visual Prompt Fanfic Challenge 2009 in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
diru_nandemo.
Title: Break the Silence
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Die/Kaoru
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Words: 2374
Genre: drama
Summary: Sometimes our minds work weird ways, and it’s hard to suppress sudden insecurities when something manages to fan them.
Comments: Well well well XD This is what I managed to write for the visual prompt fanfic challenge. It’s probably not the best thing I ever wrote in my life, but somehow I still like it and there are parts that turned out how I wanted them to. I’m especially satisfied since I wasn’t very happy with the pictures I got (that’s saying it nicely XD) so I had serious troubles trying to come up with something. Then, one evening, I let my mind guide me and this is where it took me. And thanks for my lovelyseinen_no for proofreading this for me^^
Pictures used: pic1 pic2 pic3
And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
Break the Silence
He had been standing in the shower for ages. The water had turned cold already minutes ago, and still he didn’t make a single move to get out. He ran his fingers through his wet hair, his other hand based on the cool, tiled wall in front of him only to then reach for yet another cigarette from the counter beside him. Careful not to let the water put out the fire, he lit the cig, taking a long drag instantly. It calmed him down, but only for a second. The effect lasted for as long as he held his breath, but it felt that with the first exhalation he also blew away the relaxing feeling.
Already earlier he’d been chain smoking the whole day, and there was no reason to stop it now. No other reason than the pack of cigarettes inevitably nearing the end of its journey, as there were only three sticks inside anymore. And he knew that he didn’t have any more of those in the whole house, so it meant that he would either need to quit smoking or go and buy some. He didn’t sacrifice either option more than a fleeting thought though, shaking his head a bit as if to clear his thoughts. Wet strands of hair got stuck on his pale skin, glued to his cheeks and his forehead in a way that would’ve been incredibly annoying under normal circumstances.
Right now, he hardly noticed it though. There was only one thing on his mind. Only one man on his mind. The man he had shared his whole life with for years now, and the man who he still couldn’t properly read. There had never been any big relationship-talk, never any big emotions declared. And for a while he had thought it had been perfectly enough. Kaoru had taken him into his life, had opened his arms and allowed him to sink into the embrace without a single explanation, no big drama. It had been silently accepted back then, both of them having too much to do with sorting out their own feelings, let alone that they would’ve needed to talk about them to someone else.
Things had proceeded from there. They had grown closer and closer with each passing day. Had understood each other even without words. They had moved in together after a few years, a completely natural step that again had happened without any long conversations. It had just been a suggestion, thrown in sometime in the dead of night and accepted in a single-word reply. It had seemed that there would be nothing that would throw off this balance, the delicate arrangement that neither of them had ever named. It was just a silent agreement, nothing more and nothing less.
Until he began to need more.
It wasn’t that he would’ve wanted to change anything in their lives. He was fully content with how things were, how they shared their lives in both work and free time, how they knew each other thoroughly and knew every single habit and almost could tell each other’s reactions in advance. There was just one thing that bothered him. The lack of a name for this arrangement between them. Was it deep friendship? Was it something like fuck-buddies or friends with benefits? Was it an affair? Was it a relationship, something more serious?
Was it love?
With time he had grown to realize that, when it came to the feelings he was harbouring towards the older guitarist of their band, it came at least frighteningly close to the last mentioned. He was committed, for life, and he knew that this …arrangement gave him more than anything he had had before. One could’ve even said he was happy, happier than ever before. And still it bothered him that they had never named the feelings between them, had never declared the status of their relationship with words and he didn’t know where he fit in, when it came to the other man’s life.
He wasn’t even sure if the feelings were mutual. He wanted them to be, desperately, and he knew the other man well enough to be able to read his gestures most of the time. All the small gestures, the glances and the smiles, they spoke of something deeper. But how did he know it was something deeper than friendship? He knew that Kaoru cared, he just didn’t know the extent of his caring.
Maybe it was some sort of weird midlife crisis, as Kaoru had called it when he had finally bluntly asked about it. He didn’t know. But he had never received a reply, never gained a proper answer to his question so he was still left clueless. It had fanned his fears, fed the black monster of insecurity inside of him. When there was no answer, was it because there was nothing? He had exploded then, the words shooting off his lips before he had thought them through and before he had had the time to control himself. He had made the explosion, had caused a full-blown argument and he couldn’t make it undone.
It had been hours ago already, and he couldn’t get it off his mind. Still, Kaoru hadn’t returned home and was somewhere, maybe at the studio or maybe at some random bar having a drink. He didn’t know. But with each second he spent alone in the shared apartment he felt that the walls were crushing down on him. The place was suffocating him, sucking life out of him. He simply couldn’t handle being there alone, everything reminding him of Kaoru, of the argument, of the fact that he had probably screwed everything up.
So he ran.
He ran like something was chasing him, like there was a fire on his tail and he had to get away from it as soon as he could. He got dressed, put his shoes on and quickly got his jacket. That was all he took with him as he hurried outside, slamming the apartment-door shut after himself with a loud bang. He didn’t bother to check if the lock clicked shut or not, he never looked back. He just headed out on the streets, into the dark night.
Still there was one thought burning in his mind, not giving him a second of rest. Kaoru. He could still feel that piercing gaze bore into the back of his skull when he had left the studio earlier that day. He could hear the sharp words that had followed him, the tone commanding and still ignored. He could imagine the discontented look on the older man’s face as he looked after him, staring at his wide back that was retreating inevitably. Every single thought led to Kaoru somehow. Everything he saw, reminded him of the other man: the cars, the restaurants, the laughing people, the dark weather.
Even that fucking iPod commercial reminded him of Kaoru, the obnoxious bright colors that seemed to just burn on his retinas, along with that flaming, smashed guitar and the crouched form beside it. No wonder that it reminded him of Kaoru though, as he knew for a fact that their lead guitarist had been modelling for the commercial. So it was his profile, it was his form and his hands holding on to the neck of that guitar… Quickly he turned his head away, closing his eyes to get rid of the images but it was of no use. He couldn’t. The sight had already branded itself into his mind, and he couldn’t let go of it. He hated that.
His head bowed, eyes closed and his jaw clenched so tight it hurt, he still hadn’t slowed down. It was as if his life depended on getting away, getting away as fast as humanly possible. His shoulder brushed past the metal of a street lamp, the sound of something ripping telling him that he probably tore his jacket in the process. Still he didn’t slow down, didn’t even think of it, it was no option. The ground was glistening wet, the city lights reflecting from the puddles of dirty water with their bright cavalcade of colors. It would’ve been an enticing sight if he had had a second to spare it a thought.
Not even the sounds of the city that never slept managed to pull him back from his reveries. He could hardly hear the car-engines, the music coming from the various restaurants, the chattering of the people around him, the sound of big fat raindrops still drumming the ground. All he heard was the rushing of blood in his ears, the forceful beating of his heart. It was as if he had been wrapped into cotton batting, his whole world only consisting of the feelings, of the thoughts that were dwelling inside of him.
He wasn’t even fully aware of where he was walking, he just went where his feet took him. Never stop, never look back. It was as if he was in trance, not realizing anything around himself. Until something made him snap back to reality. He had no idea what it was, but that didn’t even matter. Slowly his steps came to a halt, until he was simply standing on the pavement, staring ahead of him. He had walked all the way to the old railway station that had been closed years ago already. The only thing that still reminded of the past were the lines of benches and the tracks a few feet away from them.
Slowly he got closer, plopping down to sit on the nearest chair, not minding that water was still beading on the metal surface after the rain earlier. Actually it was still raining, but he didn’t notice that either. Somehow the slow, almost gentle rain seemed to suit his mood perfectly. With a huge sigh he leaned forward, burying his face into his palms. He rubbed his tired eyes, forced down the tears that were burning beneath his eyelids. He wasn’t a weakling, he wouldn’t cry. He would get over this, and he would do it without shedding a single tear. He would get a grip.
Although right now he felt that his whole world had been crushed into a thousand little pieces.
He didn’t know how long he sat there. Slowly the tears began to fall, overcame the resistance as the barriers broke down and he had to let go. He was tired, so tired, and the hot tears that were burning on his cheeks were the only thing that made him feel at least somewhat alive. It felt that he was in a secluded bubble, kept from the outside world. He was alone. Hours after hours he sat there, until he finally drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep, being too exhausted to stay awake.
“…Die?”
A soft, tentative voice.
“Die. Wake up.”
Again, this time more firm, almost demanding. A warm hand on his shoulder, shaking gently.
It seemed like a battle already to open his eyes, and for a while he had no idea why he even should do that. What would be the point? But the next time his name was spoken out loud, he slowly began to piece the puzzle together. That voice was definitely familiar, something he usually could’ve recognized even in his sleep had he not been so exhausted and shaken. Slowly he blinked, trying to open at least one eye to show he was awake.
He shifted slightly, realizing that he was lying half on top of the armrest of the uncomfortable metal chair, unable to hold back a discontented groan when he noticed just how much his body was aching. He must’ve been sleeping for longer. He could feel a firm grip on his both shoulders now, determined hands helping him into a seated position before he could feel a warm touch on his cheek.
“You’re freezing.”
The words made him open his eyes finally and after blinking a few times, he managed to focus on the man crouching in front of him. Kaoru was smiling, that small, distinctive smile of his. There was something different in it this time, something almost tentative, laced with clear unspoken apology. But what really startled Die was the look in those deep, warm eyes. The affectionate sparkle, the unmasked worry, the deep caring. All mixed and melted into one. He had never thought one could depict so many emotions through just one gaze, but it was true. It was all there.
Instinctively Die smiled a bit, returning the sentiment, but at the same time he could feel this clear wave of warmth flood his whole being. He was shivering, wet and cold, and he would definitely catch something as he was practically frozen to the bones. Still, he felt oddly warm and content right now. He wasn’t alone, he finally wasn’t alone.
“Die, I -” Kaoru opened his mouth, shifting a little in a clearly nervous way, obviously attempting to explain himself. But he was stopped by a finger pressed gently on his lips, a small headshake following instantly from the younger of the two. Die could see how the lead guitarist’s brows furrowed, something flashing in his gaze as he had no idea what this was all about now. Hadn’t Die wanted words all along? Why didn’t he let him give them now?
They looked each other in the eye, and suddenly everything made sense. They stayed there for a small eternity, the moment frozen in time, and for both of them the world around them stopped existing. There were just the two of them, enveloped in deep understanding.
For the first time in his life, Die felt that there really were no questions anymore. Suddenly it all made perfect sense to him, and he could see how foolish he had been earlier. All it took was that one look, that one silent moment of acknowledgement at the abandoned railway station.
The cold wind was blowing right through them, straight to the bones, the heavy raindrops beginning to fall again. But there, underneath the dark, cloudy sky, they only saw each other. They only lived for each other.
And when lips met lips it wasn’t cold any longer.
.
diru_nandemo.Title: Break the Silence
Author:
fonulynRating: PG-13
Pairing: Die/Kaoru
Disclaimer: I own no one, only my dirty imagination.
Words: 2374
Genre: drama
Summary: Sometimes our minds work weird ways, and it’s hard to suppress sudden insecurities when something manages to fan them.
Comments: Well well well XD This is what I managed to write for the visual prompt fanfic challenge. It’s probably not the best thing I ever wrote in my life, but somehow I still like it and there are parts that turned out how I wanted them to. I’m especially satisfied since I wasn’t very happy with the pictures I got (that’s saying it nicely XD) so I had serious troubles trying to come up with something. Then, one evening, I let my mind guide me and this is where it took me. And thanks for my lovely
seinen_no for proofreading this for me^^Pictures used: pic1 pic2 pic3
And feel free to add our journal if you like the stories!
Plus, the archive.
He had been standing in the shower for ages. The water had turned cold already minutes ago, and still he didn’t make a single move to get out. He ran his fingers through his wet hair, his other hand based on the cool, tiled wall in front of him only to then reach for yet another cigarette from the counter beside him. Careful not to let the water put out the fire, he lit the cig, taking a long drag instantly. It calmed him down, but only for a second. The effect lasted for as long as he held his breath, but it felt that with the first exhalation he also blew away the relaxing feeling.
Already earlier he’d been chain smoking the whole day, and there was no reason to stop it now. No other reason than the pack of cigarettes inevitably nearing the end of its journey, as there were only three sticks inside anymore. And he knew that he didn’t have any more of those in the whole house, so it meant that he would either need to quit smoking or go and buy some. He didn’t sacrifice either option more than a fleeting thought though, shaking his head a bit as if to clear his thoughts. Wet strands of hair got stuck on his pale skin, glued to his cheeks and his forehead in a way that would’ve been incredibly annoying under normal circumstances.
Right now, he hardly noticed it though. There was only one thing on his mind. Only one man on his mind. The man he had shared his whole life with for years now, and the man who he still couldn’t properly read. There had never been any big relationship-talk, never any big emotions declared. And for a while he had thought it had been perfectly enough. Kaoru had taken him into his life, had opened his arms and allowed him to sink into the embrace without a single explanation, no big drama. It had been silently accepted back then, both of them having too much to do with sorting out their own feelings, let alone that they would’ve needed to talk about them to someone else.
Things had proceeded from there. They had grown closer and closer with each passing day. Had understood each other even without words. They had moved in together after a few years, a completely natural step that again had happened without any long conversations. It had just been a suggestion, thrown in sometime in the dead of night and accepted in a single-word reply. It had seemed that there would be nothing that would throw off this balance, the delicate arrangement that neither of them had ever named. It was just a silent agreement, nothing more and nothing less.
Until he began to need more.
It wasn’t that he would’ve wanted to change anything in their lives. He was fully content with how things were, how they shared their lives in both work and free time, how they knew each other thoroughly and knew every single habit and almost could tell each other’s reactions in advance. There was just one thing that bothered him. The lack of a name for this arrangement between them. Was it deep friendship? Was it something like fuck-buddies or friends with benefits? Was it an affair? Was it a relationship, something more serious?
Was it love?
With time he had grown to realize that, when it came to the feelings he was harbouring towards the older guitarist of their band, it came at least frighteningly close to the last mentioned. He was committed, for life, and he knew that this …arrangement gave him more than anything he had had before. One could’ve even said he was happy, happier than ever before. And still it bothered him that they had never named the feelings between them, had never declared the status of their relationship with words and he didn’t know where he fit in, when it came to the other man’s life.
He wasn’t even sure if the feelings were mutual. He wanted them to be, desperately, and he knew the other man well enough to be able to read his gestures most of the time. All the small gestures, the glances and the smiles, they spoke of something deeper. But how did he know it was something deeper than friendship? He knew that Kaoru cared, he just didn’t know the extent of his caring.
Maybe it was some sort of weird midlife crisis, as Kaoru had called it when he had finally bluntly asked about it. He didn’t know. But he had never received a reply, never gained a proper answer to his question so he was still left clueless. It had fanned his fears, fed the black monster of insecurity inside of him. When there was no answer, was it because there was nothing? He had exploded then, the words shooting off his lips before he had thought them through and before he had had the time to control himself. He had made the explosion, had caused a full-blown argument and he couldn’t make it undone.
It had been hours ago already, and he couldn’t get it off his mind. Still, Kaoru hadn’t returned home and was somewhere, maybe at the studio or maybe at some random bar having a drink. He didn’t know. But with each second he spent alone in the shared apartment he felt that the walls were crushing down on him. The place was suffocating him, sucking life out of him. He simply couldn’t handle being there alone, everything reminding him of Kaoru, of the argument, of the fact that he had probably screwed everything up.
So he ran.
He ran like something was chasing him, like there was a fire on his tail and he had to get away from it as soon as he could. He got dressed, put his shoes on and quickly got his jacket. That was all he took with him as he hurried outside, slamming the apartment-door shut after himself with a loud bang. He didn’t bother to check if the lock clicked shut or not, he never looked back. He just headed out on the streets, into the dark night.
Still there was one thought burning in his mind, not giving him a second of rest. Kaoru. He could still feel that piercing gaze bore into the back of his skull when he had left the studio earlier that day. He could hear the sharp words that had followed him, the tone commanding and still ignored. He could imagine the discontented look on the older man’s face as he looked after him, staring at his wide back that was retreating inevitably. Every single thought led to Kaoru somehow. Everything he saw, reminded him of the other man: the cars, the restaurants, the laughing people, the dark weather.
Even that fucking iPod commercial reminded him of Kaoru, the obnoxious bright colors that seemed to just burn on his retinas, along with that flaming, smashed guitar and the crouched form beside it. No wonder that it reminded him of Kaoru though, as he knew for a fact that their lead guitarist had been modelling for the commercial. So it was his profile, it was his form and his hands holding on to the neck of that guitar… Quickly he turned his head away, closing his eyes to get rid of the images but it was of no use. He couldn’t. The sight had already branded itself into his mind, and he couldn’t let go of it. He hated that.
His head bowed, eyes closed and his jaw clenched so tight it hurt, he still hadn’t slowed down. It was as if his life depended on getting away, getting away as fast as humanly possible. His shoulder brushed past the metal of a street lamp, the sound of something ripping telling him that he probably tore his jacket in the process. Still he didn’t slow down, didn’t even think of it, it was no option. The ground was glistening wet, the city lights reflecting from the puddles of dirty water with their bright cavalcade of colors. It would’ve been an enticing sight if he had had a second to spare it a thought.
Not even the sounds of the city that never slept managed to pull him back from his reveries. He could hardly hear the car-engines, the music coming from the various restaurants, the chattering of the people around him, the sound of big fat raindrops still drumming the ground. All he heard was the rushing of blood in his ears, the forceful beating of his heart. It was as if he had been wrapped into cotton batting, his whole world only consisting of the feelings, of the thoughts that were dwelling inside of him.
He wasn’t even fully aware of where he was walking, he just went where his feet took him. Never stop, never look back. It was as if he was in trance, not realizing anything around himself. Until something made him snap back to reality. He had no idea what it was, but that didn’t even matter. Slowly his steps came to a halt, until he was simply standing on the pavement, staring ahead of him. He had walked all the way to the old railway station that had been closed years ago already. The only thing that still reminded of the past were the lines of benches and the tracks a few feet away from them.
Slowly he got closer, plopping down to sit on the nearest chair, not minding that water was still beading on the metal surface after the rain earlier. Actually it was still raining, but he didn’t notice that either. Somehow the slow, almost gentle rain seemed to suit his mood perfectly. With a huge sigh he leaned forward, burying his face into his palms. He rubbed his tired eyes, forced down the tears that were burning beneath his eyelids. He wasn’t a weakling, he wouldn’t cry. He would get over this, and he would do it without shedding a single tear. He would get a grip.
Although right now he felt that his whole world had been crushed into a thousand little pieces.
He didn’t know how long he sat there. Slowly the tears began to fall, overcame the resistance as the barriers broke down and he had to let go. He was tired, so tired, and the hot tears that were burning on his cheeks were the only thing that made him feel at least somewhat alive. It felt that he was in a secluded bubble, kept from the outside world. He was alone. Hours after hours he sat there, until he finally drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep, being too exhausted to stay awake.
“…Die?”
A soft, tentative voice.
“Die. Wake up.”
Again, this time more firm, almost demanding. A warm hand on his shoulder, shaking gently.
It seemed like a battle already to open his eyes, and for a while he had no idea why he even should do that. What would be the point? But the next time his name was spoken out loud, he slowly began to piece the puzzle together. That voice was definitely familiar, something he usually could’ve recognized even in his sleep had he not been so exhausted and shaken. Slowly he blinked, trying to open at least one eye to show he was awake.
He shifted slightly, realizing that he was lying half on top of the armrest of the uncomfortable metal chair, unable to hold back a discontented groan when he noticed just how much his body was aching. He must’ve been sleeping for longer. He could feel a firm grip on his both shoulders now, determined hands helping him into a seated position before he could feel a warm touch on his cheek.
“You’re freezing.”
The words made him open his eyes finally and after blinking a few times, he managed to focus on the man crouching in front of him. Kaoru was smiling, that small, distinctive smile of his. There was something different in it this time, something almost tentative, laced with clear unspoken apology. But what really startled Die was the look in those deep, warm eyes. The affectionate sparkle, the unmasked worry, the deep caring. All mixed and melted into one. He had never thought one could depict so many emotions through just one gaze, but it was true. It was all there.
Instinctively Die smiled a bit, returning the sentiment, but at the same time he could feel this clear wave of warmth flood his whole being. He was shivering, wet and cold, and he would definitely catch something as he was practically frozen to the bones. Still, he felt oddly warm and content right now. He wasn’t alone, he finally wasn’t alone.
“Die, I -” Kaoru opened his mouth, shifting a little in a clearly nervous way, obviously attempting to explain himself. But he was stopped by a finger pressed gently on his lips, a small headshake following instantly from the younger of the two. Die could see how the lead guitarist’s brows furrowed, something flashing in his gaze as he had no idea what this was all about now. Hadn’t Die wanted words all along? Why didn’t he let him give them now?
They looked each other in the eye, and suddenly everything made sense. They stayed there for a small eternity, the moment frozen in time, and for both of them the world around them stopped existing. There were just the two of them, enveloped in deep understanding.
For the first time in his life, Die felt that there really were no questions anymore. Suddenly it all made perfect sense to him, and he could see how foolish he had been earlier. All it took was that one look, that one silent moment of acknowledgement at the abandoned railway station.
The cold wind was blowing right through them, straight to the bones, the heavy raindrops beginning to fall again. But there, underneath the dark, cloudy sky, they only saw each other. They only lived for each other.
And when lips met lips it wasn’t cold any longer.
.