rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 06:13 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 06:13 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Title: Hurt
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fonulyn
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kaoru x Die
Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of the persons mentioned in this nor have any connections with them. I do NOT get any money from this, and it's written solely for entertainment purposes meaning no harm.
Comments: This fic is short. And I mean it. I wrote it in an hour when I got the inspiration and was stuck with every single other story I have unfinished. It's also kinda angsty, and there are no names mentioned. I'd appreciate if you told me who do you think the third person mentioned is^^ Thank you.
Hurt
You walk in like nothing has happened. Like you have come home so many times before. To our home. I don’t know if you sense the tensed atmosphere, but at least you give no sign if you do. Casually you smile at me and ask if I want to have some coffee. I’m too shocked to even answer you. Can’t you see how much you’re hurting me? Maybe you are just too happy and content to let anything cast a dark shadow over your good mood. Or maybe you do know how much pain you cause me, but you don’t care. You only start to tell me about some meeting you had today, arranging our upcoming tour.
Was it always like this?
I see the purple marks on your neck. You have let him mark you as his own, claim you, possess you. You try to hide the betraying signs under your high turtleneck, but it’s no use, since the trail of marks goes up to your ear, marring your beautiful skin. Even if you could hide those from me, I can smell his scent on you. In my mind I can even see his touches on you. Whenever I close my eyes, I see you and him, tangled passionately together.
Did you honestly think that I wouldn’t know?
Did you think I wouldn’t notice immediately that something’s wrong.
I found out six months ago. But I think that it has been going on for a few months longer. Or maybe more, how should I know. I’ve been so blind this far too. At first it was only occasional, but lately you’ve been with him more often. Apparently I’m becoming more and more unattractive to you with every passing day. And with each moment my heart breaks to tinier pieces, my soul cries out for you. It makes my whole being freeze, to think that eventually I will die alone.
Why am I not enough?
I don’t know where I did wrong. Was loving me too much for you? Maybe I didn’t deserve you in the first place. I don’t know. I try to be better, I try to make myself worthy of you. At first I thought that I was too ugly, that there was something wrong with the way I look. Then I cut my hair, lost some weight, changed the way I dress. Maybe it was only my imagination, but you seemed to love me more. So I continued, changing tiny things of myself whenever I thought you’d prefer it the other way.
I’m still doing it. Losing weight, exercising, changing my appearance. Is it what you want?
I wish I knew
You notice that I’m not paying attention and stop in the middle of your sentence. I can’t look you in the eye, because I’m afraid that deep in the depths of your soul I see him instead of me. Therefore I avert my gaze to examine the pattern of our carpet. I feel you coming closer and asking me what’s wrong. I can’t answer. I just bite my lip and inhale deeply trying to prevent myself from crying. You take my face between your graceful hands and tilt my head so I’m looking straight at you.
You try to kiss me, I turn and avoid the contact. You try to hug me closer, I slap your hands away. I mumble something incoherent, you look at me with an arched eyebrow. It seems that you want me to think that you don’t know why I’m upset. But you know. There is a glimmer of sadness in your eyes, but I’m not sure if it’s because you feel guilty for hurting me or because you feel sorry for yourself. I think you are aware of that I know your secret. You know that I know. Then why don’t you leave me? Why don’t you go and live your life with him instead of me?
Why do you do this to me?
I’m crying frantically, hitting you although all strength has escaped my arms. You close me into
your arms, ignoring my violent behaviour, trying to calm me down. But I keep on struggling. I try to wrestle myself off your hold, but you’re too strong. So I give in and lean against your chest, letting my tears soak your shirt and your scent fill my consciousness. Against my will I’m calming down.
Why do I love you this much?
I want to go. To run out and slam the door shut behind myself, never looking back. I could find a job somewhere, out of publicity, away from you. I wouldn’t be lonelier than I am already, having to share you with him. But leaving wouldn’t make you love me more or come to get me back. And I could never do it. I could never go.
Why am I not strong enough to leave you?
At least I have nothing to lose. You might leave me completely some day, but at least I get to be yours till then. I can still try to make myself better for you. I still have hope. Who knows, it might be even easier if you let go of me, went on with your life and left me on my own. But I don’t want to know. I don’t want life to be easy. I want you.
I know that once again I’ll stay.
One more time I will forgive you.
Just this once.
Author:
fonulynRating: PG
Pairing: Kaoru x Die
Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of the persons mentioned in this nor have any connections with them. I do NOT get any money from this, and it's written solely for entertainment purposes meaning no harm.
Comments: This fic is short. And I mean it. I wrote it in an hour when I got the inspiration and was stuck with every single other story I have unfinished. It's also kinda angsty, and there are no names mentioned. I'd appreciate if you told me who do you think the third person mentioned is^^ Thank you.
You walk in like nothing has happened. Like you have come home so many times before. To our home. I don’t know if you sense the tensed atmosphere, but at least you give no sign if you do. Casually you smile at me and ask if I want to have some coffee. I’m too shocked to even answer you. Can’t you see how much you’re hurting me? Maybe you are just too happy and content to let anything cast a dark shadow over your good mood. Or maybe you do know how much pain you cause me, but you don’t care. You only start to tell me about some meeting you had today, arranging our upcoming tour.
Was it always like this?
I see the purple marks on your neck. You have let him mark you as his own, claim you, possess you. You try to hide the betraying signs under your high turtleneck, but it’s no use, since the trail of marks goes up to your ear, marring your beautiful skin. Even if you could hide those from me, I can smell his scent on you. In my mind I can even see his touches on you. Whenever I close my eyes, I see you and him, tangled passionately together.
Did you honestly think that I wouldn’t know?
Did you think I wouldn’t notice immediately that something’s wrong.
I found out six months ago. But I think that it has been going on for a few months longer. Or maybe more, how should I know. I’ve been so blind this far too. At first it was only occasional, but lately you’ve been with him more often. Apparently I’m becoming more and more unattractive to you with every passing day. And with each moment my heart breaks to tinier pieces, my soul cries out for you. It makes my whole being freeze, to think that eventually I will die alone.
Why am I not enough?
I don’t know where I did wrong. Was loving me too much for you? Maybe I didn’t deserve you in the first place. I don’t know. I try to be better, I try to make myself worthy of you. At first I thought that I was too ugly, that there was something wrong with the way I look. Then I cut my hair, lost some weight, changed the way I dress. Maybe it was only my imagination, but you seemed to love me more. So I continued, changing tiny things of myself whenever I thought you’d prefer it the other way.
I’m still doing it. Losing weight, exercising, changing my appearance. Is it what you want?
I wish I knew
You notice that I’m not paying attention and stop in the middle of your sentence. I can’t look you in the eye, because I’m afraid that deep in the depths of your soul I see him instead of me. Therefore I avert my gaze to examine the pattern of our carpet. I feel you coming closer and asking me what’s wrong. I can’t answer. I just bite my lip and inhale deeply trying to prevent myself from crying. You take my face between your graceful hands and tilt my head so I’m looking straight at you.
You try to kiss me, I turn and avoid the contact. You try to hug me closer, I slap your hands away. I mumble something incoherent, you look at me with an arched eyebrow. It seems that you want me to think that you don’t know why I’m upset. But you know. There is a glimmer of sadness in your eyes, but I’m not sure if it’s because you feel guilty for hurting me or because you feel sorry for yourself. I think you are aware of that I know your secret. You know that I know. Then why don’t you leave me? Why don’t you go and live your life with him instead of me?
Why do you do this to me?
I’m crying frantically, hitting you although all strength has escaped my arms. You close me into
your arms, ignoring my violent behaviour, trying to calm me down. But I keep on struggling. I try to wrestle myself off your hold, but you’re too strong. So I give in and lean against your chest, letting my tears soak your shirt and your scent fill my consciousness. Against my will I’m calming down.
Why do I love you this much?
I want to go. To run out and slam the door shut behind myself, never looking back. I could find a job somewhere, out of publicity, away from you. I wouldn’t be lonelier than I am already, having to share you with him. But leaving wouldn’t make you love me more or come to get me back. And I could never do it. I could never go.
Why am I not strong enough to leave you?
At least I have nothing to lose. You might leave me completely some day, but at least I get to be yours till then. I can still try to make myself better for you. I still have hope. Who knows, it might be even easier if you let go of me, went on with your life and left me on my own. But I don’t want to know. I don’t want life to be easy. I want you.
I know that once again I’ll stay.
One more time I will forgive you.
Just this once.