rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:56 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:56 pm
(no subject)
Title: Triangle; Chapter 4
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seinen_no and fonulyn
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments:
seinen_no: There you go. Like we promised, the last chapter before the old year ends. And still, I feel pity for all of them. I'm glad though that it ends now and I'm curious what you guys will think of it. Thanks again for staying with us throughout the whole story and for dropping so many nice comments. They are highly appreciated here! *hugs you all*
fonulyn: Well, I guess there’s nothing to add but a big thank you for all who read and commented, we really appreciate it! Writing this whole story was somewhat hard, since it was thoroughly emotional for both of us, and I was just pathetically crying in front of the computer every now and then… But I like it still somehow, and I hope you’re not disappointed either.
Previously happened: Triangle, Part 2, Part 3
Chapter 4
After smoking two cigarettes, Kaoru felt strong enough again to go back to Kyo. He stopped by at the lavatories to wash his face and remove the trace of tears and to get rid of the burning feeling in his eyes. His head was swimming with thoughts, emotions and the fear that he had lost Die forever. That realization caused his stomach to twitch and he suddenly felt sick. One hand already on the handle, he took a few deep breaths, dug out a believable smile and entered Kyo's room again.
Kyo looked a bit surprised, since he had waited for the other guitarist to come in instead. "Didn't you want to sleep for a while at home?" He had a feeling that something major had happened, at least the other looked bad, but he wasn't sure what it could be. And he felt a sting in his consciousness because he had a vague feeling this was somehow his fault.
"He felt sick and asked me to stay instead." The lead-guitarist answered shortly and sat down on the small plastic chair beside the bed. For a few seconds, he examined the small man intensely, trying to find a hint that he was feeling better than he tried to make him believe. "How are you? I mean not today, but in general?" He finally asked bluntly.
The vocalist flinched a tiny bit, but got a control over himself soon. "You know it," He gave the other a weak smile. "Some days a bit better and others worse."
"I see." Kaoru answered the smile and then shook his head. "I'm sorry. I think I'm just tired." Indeed, his eyes were small and a bit reddened which could've been caused by tiredness. Only Kaoru knew that it had been caused by bitter tears.
"You can sleep here too." Kyo offered, as there indeed was a small couch in the corner of the room nowadays. It wasn't comfortable, and the lead guitarist would hardly even manage to sleep on it, but he thought he'd offer still.
First, Kaoru was about to ask if it was okay for him to go home. He just needed some time alone, some time to think and get his emotions straight. But then, he didn't have he heart to leave his sick friend alone and so he nodded. "Thanks." Taking a spare blanket the nurses had brought Kyo because he had been freezing so much, he strolled over to the couch and tried to find a comfortable position on it. It didn't matter though, because as soon as his head rested on the cushions, he fell asleep, too exhausted to fight against it.
For long Kyo just looked at the sleeping form on the couch, feeling somewhat bad for him. But he couldn't help to feel a bit victorious as well, as it seemed that things were turning into the direction that Kaoru would stay with him.
Almost on the other side of the town, Die was lying on his couch, staring straight through the TV screen that was the only light in the dark room. He felt empty inside, not even able to cry anymore as the lump in his throat was about to suffocate him. He couldn't sleep either, neither for any of the upcoming nights, just thinking about the look in Kaoru's eyes when he had told him he wouldn't take it anymore, thinking about the way his voice has sounded when he had just walked away, not even turning around.
The lead-guitarist's sleep was uneasy and didn't last long. After what felt like only minutes, he woke up and yet didn't open his eyes, not wanting to face Kyo just yet. When he thought about what had happened, how much it had hurt when Die had told him he couldn't go on like this, tears were rising behind his closed lids again and he swallowed several times in the attempt to suppress them.
He was at the verge of telling the small vocalist straight away that he would break up with him, that it was over and that he loved somebody else now. But deep down inside, he knew he couldn't take it when the other began to cry, when he would accuse him and yell. So he turned around, facing the couch's backrest and thinking of the only night when he had kissed the redhead, when everything had been so much less complicated and they had had a fair chance to get together eventually.
Although Die had been in the hospital every day after the vocalist got sick, the next day he didn't come; nor the day after it. He just couldn't face Kaoru, couldn't face Kyo, no one. He wanted to stay alone and think about things. Although he didn't end up thinking a whole lot, more like either drowning his sorrows in alcohol or just lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling.
Kyo was feeling much better, and even began to believe himself that he wouldn't relapse anymore. And since Die staid away he thought that he'd won, that he now got the lead guitarist for himself. Although it didn't feel as good as he had thought it would, because he could clearly see that the situation was still hard for Kaoru.
When the redhead didn't come to hospital the following days, Kaoru was certain that he had lost him forever and he couldn't even blame him for that. It would've been different if they had had a long relationship behind them and he had asked to give him the time to take care of Kyo, but like this, it was a bit too much to ask. Although Die had said that he loved him, how could that be enough to overcome the problems they were facing?
With the passing days, Kaoru became more and more quiet, his eyes a bit more hollow and it was clearly visible for everybody that he was suffering. Shinya and Toshiya didn't understand why though, because Kyo seemed to get better and it should make the lead-guitarist happy.
As more days passed, Die still wasn't seen anywhere near the hospital. Actually he hardly ever even left his apartment nor picked up his phone. He knew he was acting selfish and even somewhat childish, but once he had let go of his strong façade, he couldn't bring it back. It wasn't that he wouldn't have wanted to be there for his friends, for Kaoru especially, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it right now.
Toshiya and Shinya took the redhead's part, but it didn't need that much urging anymore to make Kaoru go home. He was burned-out and not able to give much more now that Die, his personal source of strength, had left him. Only once, he had tried to call, but had hung up after the first beep, not knowing what he should've said.
Autumn had longest turned to winter and winter had made way for a cold, wet spring. Kaoru again had begun to take the car to the hospital, thinking that if he got involved in an accident, he might have the opportunity to rest a bit. However, he didn't have any accidents. Every day followed the same patterns, as he was walking down the long corridor to Kyo's room.
Kyo on his side was just trying to ignore that the lead guitarist was beginning to look worse all the time, telling himself that things would work out fine as soon as he got out of hospital and they would be able to go on with their lives together. He couldn't help but to be worried as well though, because the other was beginning to look like a living ghost. And he found himself even being a bit worried about Die, since they simply hadn't heard of him in a long time.
Slowly, Kaoru began to ask himself why he was doing that, why he was sacrificing everything and went on like that. If one asked him, Kyo really seemed to get better and the lead-guitarist caught himself thinking more often that he should break up with him as soon as possible. It didn't even matter anymore if Die still had feelings for him, he was just sick and tired of pretending to be something he wasn't. At least he tried to avoid kissing the vocalist along with any other signs of affection.
They even left Kyo alone for some time occasionally, since he wasn't in that bad of a condition anymore and he said it was okay. He used those moments to walk around in the room, because it was getting tiring to just be in one position on the bed all day long. He tried to make sure that no one saw him though, always anxious that the accident with Die wouldn't happen again.
But one day, Kaoru returned to the hospital only one hour after he had left. He had forgotten the keys to his apartment and when he had arrived there, stood before locked doors. The vocalist hadn't been prepared for that and stood in the middle of the room when the guitarist entered. Kaoru froze in his movement, staring at the small blond who was stretching one leg on a chair. "Kyo..." The word was a surprised gasp. "You...!"
Kyo stared at the other man with wide eyes, frantically trying to come up with a decent excuse. There wasn't any though, and he just smiled a bit apologetically. "You forgot something?"
Still unable to move, Kaoru nodded like in trance. "Yeah." But then, the meaning of this situation struck him with full force and his face was flushing with sudden anger. "You're walking? Even stretching? For how long do you feel better?!" There were tears coming to his eyes, tears of disappointment, of frustration and fury.
"For some time." The small man took a step towards him. It was a bit shaky step, but he had been walking every time he had had the possibility and it came rather easy to him. "Look, Kaoru, I meant to tell you." He tried an innocent smile, hoping the other wouldn't get overly angry at him. "Isn't it good though? I can walk a bit."
"You... you've been meaning to tell me?" The guitarist sounded disbelieving. "Kyo. How could you do this to me? I was worried to death that you'd die while you were actually getting better?" Despite his anger, he spoke slowly and clearly.
So Die had been right and it was clear that Kaoru had taken the wrong decision in trusting the vocalist. "You knew it! You fucking knew about me and Die and still made me suffer like that? What did I do to deserve it?" The last sentences were almost yelled and Kaoru clenched his fists to suppress the shaking of his body. He didn't care anymore if the other really had known it or not, finally losing control over himself.
"I didn't want to lose you." Kyo confessed silently, hanging his head. As he stood there in the middle of the room, he looked smaller than he actually was, and he knew he had been acting wrong. "I thought I could fix things between us. Besides you were still with me," he raised his gaze, some sort of defiance in his eyes, "so there never even was any ‘you and Die’. At least that's what he made me believe."
"No, there wasn't." Although somewhere inside Kaoru pitied the small vocalist, all the pent-up and suppressed emotions finally broke free. "And thanks to you, there's probably never going to be any Die and me." He swallowed hard, the first tear rolling down his cheek. "Fuck Kyo! I would've broken up with you anyways. Let's face it, our relationship was dead for so long and I can't give anymore. It's over and there's nothing that could change it." His whole body shaking, Kaoru already turned around to leave, but looked back at the other once more. "How could you do this to me? I was always there for you and even though I don't love you anymore, I still am your friend. But now, you destroyed everything. Fuck..." A couple of sobs forced their way out of his throat. "I put you upon everything and now all I have is the scattered pieces of what is my life."
"I'm so sorry, Kaoru." Kyo honestly meant it. He had never intended to cause this much suffering for the other, not for the one he loved. But he had seen no other choice, and he still thought they could've worked it out. "I really thought I was dying, and it made me realize how much I need you. Please, give us another chance." He looked at the guitarist pleadingly, hoping he would understand. "I need you."
Slowly, but certainly, Kaoru shook his head. "I can't." He had known that breaking up with Kyo would be painful, no matter what the circumstances were. And he was fully aware that this meant serious heartache for the other man. But his own heart was aching too much to care anymore. "Maybe we can be friends again once, but nothing else." Lifting his head, he gazed straight into the small vocalist's eyes. "And not now. You've hurt me too much and you've misused my trust. I really would've given anything to take the pain away from you, to keep you from dying and to take away the fear. I think we all screwed up."
"Don't say you're going to leave me completely." Kyo looked both desperate and disbelieving. Was the other just leaving him like that and refusing to be his friend if nothing else? Whom would he have left then... But he knew that once Kaoru had made a decision, there would be no use in arguing, and so he swallowed the other things he had been about to say already.
Not able to look at Kyo anymore, the guitarist turned around and left without another word. In his opinion, everything had been said and now he would have to think about a way how to fix at least parts of his life, had to think of himself in the first place. Not being a resentful person, he was sure that he could once be Kyo's friend again, could trust him again. But only after some time had passed; time that would heal the wounds and give them some distance.
It was already getting dark outside and guided by the thought that he had to apologize to Die, he got into his car to drive to the redhead's apartment.
As always, Die had been just lying on his couch in the living room, and when he heard the sound of the doorbell echoing in the apartment, he at first didn't even want to go open the door. Eventually, he changed his mind though and dragged himself to the door, not even noticing anymore that his whole appearance was a mess; filthy hair and dark circles under his eyes along with other things.
As he swung the door open and saw Kaoru there, his eyes widened slightly because he hadn't expected him. "Kao..." The first thought was to just hug him or something since he had truly missed him, and it felt like ages when they had last talked. But he didn't dare to do anything, and instead stepped a bit aside, opening the door further while running his fingers through his hair in a nervous gesture. "Uhm, how's Kyo?" The only reason for the other's presence he could come up with, was that something had happened at the hospital.
"Fine." Was the short answer while the older guitarist entered the small hall, noticing the random things that were scattered on the ground in passing by. The couch was hardly accessible because of the various bottles and beer cans that were lying around, but he didn't even bother to go there and sit down.
Instead, he abruptly turned around, looking directly at the younger man with huge, teary eyes. "Die, I'm so sorry. You were right and I am such an idiot." Ready to beg for forgiveness on his knees, to do everything to make it up to the younger man, he wanted to get it all out. But then, he noticed the redhead's terrible appearance and stopped, his mouth open. "Die..." The word only a quiet whisper. Carefully, as if afraid he could break him, Kaoru reached his hand out and touched Die's cheek. "I am so sorry." He knew that he was responsible for the other's condition, responsible for the deep circles under his eyes, his greasy hair and the hollow cheeks.
Die dug out a small smile from somewhere, happy just to see Kaoru although it still made him feel bad to think how things had turned out for them. "You don't need to apologize. I'm sorry for not being there for you." He didn't know for how long he had been avoiding the others, but it must've been long. "I must look like a total mess." He let out a small nervous chuckle, again running his fingers through his hair in a failed attempt to make it look a bit more decent.
"You look like shit." The words made Kaoru chuckle a bit himself, trying to cover his insecurity. Initially, he had come there without any hope to fix things between them, but now that they both were standing there, staring into each other's eyes, a glimpse of hope awoke in him. "You were right. He fooled me and ... and I didn't believe you. You did so much for me and I couldn't even trust you this much, trust that you didn't just claim it to get me. How conceited I was."
"You can't blame yourself." The younger guitarist smiled faintly, but meant the words nevertheless. "I know it sounded weird..."
"I left him." The words had slipped Kaoru unintentionally. He didn't want to make it sound as if he was free for the other man now, because he didn't even believe that he still wanted him. Still, he remained silent afterwards, unable to add anything.
"You did?" Die looked a bit surprised, and didn't know how to react. A part of him kept saying to himself that this was good, everything would turn out fine, but still he didn't dare to just straight out ask Kaoru if he still felt something for him.
It was the older guitarist who finally gathered all his courage, knowing that he had nothing to lose anyways. "Die, I know I've been an asshole and that everything between us has gone as wrong as it could, but I want you to know that I never lied to you. I did fall in love with you; love you still... I understand if you can't return those feelings anymore, but I wanted you to know." Unable to hold the younger man's gaze, Kaoru bowed his head, staring at his feet.
The feelings that those words caused almost caused tears to gather in the younger's eyes again, and he took a step forward, touching Kaoru's cheek softly. "You know you mean the world to me." He smiled at him, a small smile but full of affection.
Flinching a bit under the unexpected touch, Kaoru lifted his head, gazing at the younger man with huge eyes. "So you don't hate me? There's still the possibility that we make this work?"
"If you want to." Die nodded, finally allowing himself to look the other deep in the eye and drown in those depths.
"I never stopped wanting it." The confession was almost inaudible, but there was a small smile on the lead-guitarist's lips because he couldn't believe this was really happening, that he was this lucky.
The redhead sighed a tiny bit and wrapped his arms around the other, hugging him closer. It felt like a dream, too good to be true after all what had happened.
Instantly, Kaoru's heart started to beat a bit faster as he buried his face into the other man's shoulder, sighing relieved. The tears that wet the shirt underneath were tears of happiness and exhaustion, everything suddenly crushing down on him. Sobbing, his body trembling, Kaoru clutched the redhead's shirt tightly. "I promise I will never disbelieve you again. I do everything to make it up to you."
"Don't worry, it's okay." Die really meant what he said, because in his eyes everything would work out now that he had the other guitarist close, now that he was allowed to hold him like that.
Smiling a bit wider, Kaoru tiptoed and decided to try his luck, tentatively bringing their lips together in a gentle kiss. Die's reaction had calmed him so far that he wasn't crying or shaking all over anymore, only slightly trembling, but for whole other reasons.
All the possible thoughts disappeared from Die's mind when he felt the other's lips against his, and he just pulled him closer against himself. It had taken a lot from them, but if this was what they were rewarded with, then it had been all worth it in the end.
Kaoru's head was spinning, this small contact being enough to make it up for all the suffered and wasted months. Only when he parted Die's lips with his tongue to explore the insides of his mouth, he suddenly pulled away, curling his nose disgustedly.
Laughing, he shook his head. "You taste like shit too. Something between an ash tray, beer and pizza. For how long didn't you brush your teeth?"
"Probably for as long as I didn't wash my hair." The redhead laughed, looking a bit embarrassed. "Which is... for quite a long time."
Smirking, the older guitarist took his hand in his own and determinedly walked towards the bathroom. "Then we will have to take a shower and brush your teeth before we..."
Author:
seinen_no and fonulynRating: PG13
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments:
seinen_no: There you go. Like we promised, the last chapter before the old year ends. And still, I feel pity for all of them. I'm glad though that it ends now and I'm curious what you guys will think of it. Thanks again for staying with us throughout the whole story and for dropping so many nice comments. They are highly appreciated here! *hugs you all*fonulyn: Well, I guess there’s nothing to add but a big thank you for all who read and commented, we really appreciate it! Writing this whole story was somewhat hard, since it was thoroughly emotional for both of us, and I was just pathetically crying in front of the computer every now and then… But I like it still somehow, and I hope you’re not disappointed either.Previously happened: Triangle, Part 2, Part 3
After smoking two cigarettes, Kaoru felt strong enough again to go back to Kyo. He stopped by at the lavatories to wash his face and remove the trace of tears and to get rid of the burning feeling in his eyes. His head was swimming with thoughts, emotions and the fear that he had lost Die forever. That realization caused his stomach to twitch and he suddenly felt sick. One hand already on the handle, he took a few deep breaths, dug out a believable smile and entered Kyo's room again.
Kyo looked a bit surprised, since he had waited for the other guitarist to come in instead. "Didn't you want to sleep for a while at home?" He had a feeling that something major had happened, at least the other looked bad, but he wasn't sure what it could be. And he felt a sting in his consciousness because he had a vague feeling this was somehow his fault.
"He felt sick and asked me to stay instead." The lead-guitarist answered shortly and sat down on the small plastic chair beside the bed. For a few seconds, he examined the small man intensely, trying to find a hint that he was feeling better than he tried to make him believe. "How are you? I mean not today, but in general?" He finally asked bluntly.
The vocalist flinched a tiny bit, but got a control over himself soon. "You know it," He gave the other a weak smile. "Some days a bit better and others worse."
"I see." Kaoru answered the smile and then shook his head. "I'm sorry. I think I'm just tired." Indeed, his eyes were small and a bit reddened which could've been caused by tiredness. Only Kaoru knew that it had been caused by bitter tears.
"You can sleep here too." Kyo offered, as there indeed was a small couch in the corner of the room nowadays. It wasn't comfortable, and the lead guitarist would hardly even manage to sleep on it, but he thought he'd offer still.
First, Kaoru was about to ask if it was okay for him to go home. He just needed some time alone, some time to think and get his emotions straight. But then, he didn't have he heart to leave his sick friend alone and so he nodded. "Thanks." Taking a spare blanket the nurses had brought Kyo because he had been freezing so much, he strolled over to the couch and tried to find a comfortable position on it. It didn't matter though, because as soon as his head rested on the cushions, he fell asleep, too exhausted to fight against it.
For long Kyo just looked at the sleeping form on the couch, feeling somewhat bad for him. But he couldn't help to feel a bit victorious as well, as it seemed that things were turning into the direction that Kaoru would stay with him.
Almost on the other side of the town, Die was lying on his couch, staring straight through the TV screen that was the only light in the dark room. He felt empty inside, not even able to cry anymore as the lump in his throat was about to suffocate him. He couldn't sleep either, neither for any of the upcoming nights, just thinking about the look in Kaoru's eyes when he had told him he wouldn't take it anymore, thinking about the way his voice has sounded when he had just walked away, not even turning around.
The lead-guitarist's sleep was uneasy and didn't last long. After what felt like only minutes, he woke up and yet didn't open his eyes, not wanting to face Kyo just yet. When he thought about what had happened, how much it had hurt when Die had told him he couldn't go on like this, tears were rising behind his closed lids again and he swallowed several times in the attempt to suppress them.
He was at the verge of telling the small vocalist straight away that he would break up with him, that it was over and that he loved somebody else now. But deep down inside, he knew he couldn't take it when the other began to cry, when he would accuse him and yell. So he turned around, facing the couch's backrest and thinking of the only night when he had kissed the redhead, when everything had been so much less complicated and they had had a fair chance to get together eventually.
Although Die had been in the hospital every day after the vocalist got sick, the next day he didn't come; nor the day after it. He just couldn't face Kaoru, couldn't face Kyo, no one. He wanted to stay alone and think about things. Although he didn't end up thinking a whole lot, more like either drowning his sorrows in alcohol or just lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling.
Kyo was feeling much better, and even began to believe himself that he wouldn't relapse anymore. And since Die staid away he thought that he'd won, that he now got the lead guitarist for himself. Although it didn't feel as good as he had thought it would, because he could clearly see that the situation was still hard for Kaoru.
When the redhead didn't come to hospital the following days, Kaoru was certain that he had lost him forever and he couldn't even blame him for that. It would've been different if they had had a long relationship behind them and he had asked to give him the time to take care of Kyo, but like this, it was a bit too much to ask. Although Die had said that he loved him, how could that be enough to overcome the problems they were facing?
With the passing days, Kaoru became more and more quiet, his eyes a bit more hollow and it was clearly visible for everybody that he was suffering. Shinya and Toshiya didn't understand why though, because Kyo seemed to get better and it should make the lead-guitarist happy.
As more days passed, Die still wasn't seen anywhere near the hospital. Actually he hardly ever even left his apartment nor picked up his phone. He knew he was acting selfish and even somewhat childish, but once he had let go of his strong façade, he couldn't bring it back. It wasn't that he wouldn't have wanted to be there for his friends, for Kaoru especially, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it right now.
Toshiya and Shinya took the redhead's part, but it didn't need that much urging anymore to make Kaoru go home. He was burned-out and not able to give much more now that Die, his personal source of strength, had left him. Only once, he had tried to call, but had hung up after the first beep, not knowing what he should've said.
Autumn had longest turned to winter and winter had made way for a cold, wet spring. Kaoru again had begun to take the car to the hospital, thinking that if he got involved in an accident, he might have the opportunity to rest a bit. However, he didn't have any accidents. Every day followed the same patterns, as he was walking down the long corridor to Kyo's room.
Kyo on his side was just trying to ignore that the lead guitarist was beginning to look worse all the time, telling himself that things would work out fine as soon as he got out of hospital and they would be able to go on with their lives together. He couldn't help but to be worried as well though, because the other was beginning to look like a living ghost. And he found himself even being a bit worried about Die, since they simply hadn't heard of him in a long time.
Slowly, Kaoru began to ask himself why he was doing that, why he was sacrificing everything and went on like that. If one asked him, Kyo really seemed to get better and the lead-guitarist caught himself thinking more often that he should break up with him as soon as possible. It didn't even matter anymore if Die still had feelings for him, he was just sick and tired of pretending to be something he wasn't. At least he tried to avoid kissing the vocalist along with any other signs of affection.
They even left Kyo alone for some time occasionally, since he wasn't in that bad of a condition anymore and he said it was okay. He used those moments to walk around in the room, because it was getting tiring to just be in one position on the bed all day long. He tried to make sure that no one saw him though, always anxious that the accident with Die wouldn't happen again.
But one day, Kaoru returned to the hospital only one hour after he had left. He had forgotten the keys to his apartment and when he had arrived there, stood before locked doors. The vocalist hadn't been prepared for that and stood in the middle of the room when the guitarist entered. Kaoru froze in his movement, staring at the small blond who was stretching one leg on a chair. "Kyo..." The word was a surprised gasp. "You...!"
Kyo stared at the other man with wide eyes, frantically trying to come up with a decent excuse. There wasn't any though, and he just smiled a bit apologetically. "You forgot something?"
Still unable to move, Kaoru nodded like in trance. "Yeah." But then, the meaning of this situation struck him with full force and his face was flushing with sudden anger. "You're walking? Even stretching? For how long do you feel better?!" There were tears coming to his eyes, tears of disappointment, of frustration and fury.
"For some time." The small man took a step towards him. It was a bit shaky step, but he had been walking every time he had had the possibility and it came rather easy to him. "Look, Kaoru, I meant to tell you." He tried an innocent smile, hoping the other wouldn't get overly angry at him. "Isn't it good though? I can walk a bit."
"You... you've been meaning to tell me?" The guitarist sounded disbelieving. "Kyo. How could you do this to me? I was worried to death that you'd die while you were actually getting better?" Despite his anger, he spoke slowly and clearly.
So Die had been right and it was clear that Kaoru had taken the wrong decision in trusting the vocalist. "You knew it! You fucking knew about me and Die and still made me suffer like that? What did I do to deserve it?" The last sentences were almost yelled and Kaoru clenched his fists to suppress the shaking of his body. He didn't care anymore if the other really had known it or not, finally losing control over himself.
"I didn't want to lose you." Kyo confessed silently, hanging his head. As he stood there in the middle of the room, he looked smaller than he actually was, and he knew he had been acting wrong. "I thought I could fix things between us. Besides you were still with me," he raised his gaze, some sort of defiance in his eyes, "so there never even was any ‘you and Die’. At least that's what he made me believe."
"No, there wasn't." Although somewhere inside Kaoru pitied the small vocalist, all the pent-up and suppressed emotions finally broke free. "And thanks to you, there's probably never going to be any Die and me." He swallowed hard, the first tear rolling down his cheek. "Fuck Kyo! I would've broken up with you anyways. Let's face it, our relationship was dead for so long and I can't give anymore. It's over and there's nothing that could change it." His whole body shaking, Kaoru already turned around to leave, but looked back at the other once more. "How could you do this to me? I was always there for you and even though I don't love you anymore, I still am your friend. But now, you destroyed everything. Fuck..." A couple of sobs forced their way out of his throat. "I put you upon everything and now all I have is the scattered pieces of what is my life."
"I'm so sorry, Kaoru." Kyo honestly meant it. He had never intended to cause this much suffering for the other, not for the one he loved. But he had seen no other choice, and he still thought they could've worked it out. "I really thought I was dying, and it made me realize how much I need you. Please, give us another chance." He looked at the guitarist pleadingly, hoping he would understand. "I need you."
Slowly, but certainly, Kaoru shook his head. "I can't." He had known that breaking up with Kyo would be painful, no matter what the circumstances were. And he was fully aware that this meant serious heartache for the other man. But his own heart was aching too much to care anymore. "Maybe we can be friends again once, but nothing else." Lifting his head, he gazed straight into the small vocalist's eyes. "And not now. You've hurt me too much and you've misused my trust. I really would've given anything to take the pain away from you, to keep you from dying and to take away the fear. I think we all screwed up."
"Don't say you're going to leave me completely." Kyo looked both desperate and disbelieving. Was the other just leaving him like that and refusing to be his friend if nothing else? Whom would he have left then... But he knew that once Kaoru had made a decision, there would be no use in arguing, and so he swallowed the other things he had been about to say already.
Not able to look at Kyo anymore, the guitarist turned around and left without another word. In his opinion, everything had been said and now he would have to think about a way how to fix at least parts of his life, had to think of himself in the first place. Not being a resentful person, he was sure that he could once be Kyo's friend again, could trust him again. But only after some time had passed; time that would heal the wounds and give them some distance.
It was already getting dark outside and guided by the thought that he had to apologize to Die, he got into his car to drive to the redhead's apartment.
As always, Die had been just lying on his couch in the living room, and when he heard the sound of the doorbell echoing in the apartment, he at first didn't even want to go open the door. Eventually, he changed his mind though and dragged himself to the door, not even noticing anymore that his whole appearance was a mess; filthy hair and dark circles under his eyes along with other things.
As he swung the door open and saw Kaoru there, his eyes widened slightly because he hadn't expected him. "Kao..." The first thought was to just hug him or something since he had truly missed him, and it felt like ages when they had last talked. But he didn't dare to do anything, and instead stepped a bit aside, opening the door further while running his fingers through his hair in a nervous gesture. "Uhm, how's Kyo?" The only reason for the other's presence he could come up with, was that something had happened at the hospital.
"Fine." Was the short answer while the older guitarist entered the small hall, noticing the random things that were scattered on the ground in passing by. The couch was hardly accessible because of the various bottles and beer cans that were lying around, but he didn't even bother to go there and sit down.
Instead, he abruptly turned around, looking directly at the younger man with huge, teary eyes. "Die, I'm so sorry. You were right and I am such an idiot." Ready to beg for forgiveness on his knees, to do everything to make it up to the younger man, he wanted to get it all out. But then, he noticed the redhead's terrible appearance and stopped, his mouth open. "Die..." The word only a quiet whisper. Carefully, as if afraid he could break him, Kaoru reached his hand out and touched Die's cheek. "I am so sorry." He knew that he was responsible for the other's condition, responsible for the deep circles under his eyes, his greasy hair and the hollow cheeks.
Die dug out a small smile from somewhere, happy just to see Kaoru although it still made him feel bad to think how things had turned out for them. "You don't need to apologize. I'm sorry for not being there for you." He didn't know for how long he had been avoiding the others, but it must've been long. "I must look like a total mess." He let out a small nervous chuckle, again running his fingers through his hair in a failed attempt to make it look a bit more decent.
"You look like shit." The words made Kaoru chuckle a bit himself, trying to cover his insecurity. Initially, he had come there without any hope to fix things between them, but now that they both were standing there, staring into each other's eyes, a glimpse of hope awoke in him. "You were right. He fooled me and ... and I didn't believe you. You did so much for me and I couldn't even trust you this much, trust that you didn't just claim it to get me. How conceited I was."
"You can't blame yourself." The younger guitarist smiled faintly, but meant the words nevertheless. "I know it sounded weird..."
"I left him." The words had slipped Kaoru unintentionally. He didn't want to make it sound as if he was free for the other man now, because he didn't even believe that he still wanted him. Still, he remained silent afterwards, unable to add anything.
"You did?" Die looked a bit surprised, and didn't know how to react. A part of him kept saying to himself that this was good, everything would turn out fine, but still he didn't dare to just straight out ask Kaoru if he still felt something for him.
It was the older guitarist who finally gathered all his courage, knowing that he had nothing to lose anyways. "Die, I know I've been an asshole and that everything between us has gone as wrong as it could, but I want you to know that I never lied to you. I did fall in love with you; love you still... I understand if you can't return those feelings anymore, but I wanted you to know." Unable to hold the younger man's gaze, Kaoru bowed his head, staring at his feet.
The feelings that those words caused almost caused tears to gather in the younger's eyes again, and he took a step forward, touching Kaoru's cheek softly. "You know you mean the world to me." He smiled at him, a small smile but full of affection.
Flinching a bit under the unexpected touch, Kaoru lifted his head, gazing at the younger man with huge eyes. "So you don't hate me? There's still the possibility that we make this work?"
"If you want to." Die nodded, finally allowing himself to look the other deep in the eye and drown in those depths.
"I never stopped wanting it." The confession was almost inaudible, but there was a small smile on the lead-guitarist's lips because he couldn't believe this was really happening, that he was this lucky.
The redhead sighed a tiny bit and wrapped his arms around the other, hugging him closer. It felt like a dream, too good to be true after all what had happened.
Instantly, Kaoru's heart started to beat a bit faster as he buried his face into the other man's shoulder, sighing relieved. The tears that wet the shirt underneath were tears of happiness and exhaustion, everything suddenly crushing down on him. Sobbing, his body trembling, Kaoru clutched the redhead's shirt tightly. "I promise I will never disbelieve you again. I do everything to make it up to you."
"Don't worry, it's okay." Die really meant what he said, because in his eyes everything would work out now that he had the other guitarist close, now that he was allowed to hold him like that.
Smiling a bit wider, Kaoru tiptoed and decided to try his luck, tentatively bringing their lips together in a gentle kiss. Die's reaction had calmed him so far that he wasn't crying or shaking all over anymore, only slightly trembling, but for whole other reasons.
All the possible thoughts disappeared from Die's mind when he felt the other's lips against his, and he just pulled him closer against himself. It had taken a lot from them, but if this was what they were rewarded with, then it had been all worth it in the end.
Kaoru's head was spinning, this small contact being enough to make it up for all the suffered and wasted months. Only when he parted Die's lips with his tongue to explore the insides of his mouth, he suddenly pulled away, curling his nose disgustedly.
Laughing, he shook his head. "You taste like shit too. Something between an ash tray, beer and pizza. For how long didn't you brush your teeth?"
"Probably for as long as I didn't wash my hair." The redhead laughed, looking a bit embarrassed. "Which is... for quite a long time."
Smirking, the older guitarist took his hand in his own and determinedly walked towards the bathroom. "Then we will have to take a shower and brush your teeth before we..."