rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:46 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:46 pm
(no subject)
Title: Triangle
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seinen_no and fonulyn
Rating: PG13
Pairing: DiexKaoru, KaoruxKyo
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
For a while now, Kaoru had been staring at his spoon, not really paying attention to anything else. But then, he started, his head snapping up. "Did you say something?" A faint, excusatory smile appeared on his lips as he looked at the small vocalist who sat across from him at the other end of the table. He was sure that Kyo had addressed him, but had been too deeply lost in his thoughts to realize it in time. Lately, these awkward moments of silence had been occurring more often between them, and Kaoru was sure that he had caused them subconsciously.
He had been thinking about their relationship for some time now and no matter how he turned it, no matter how often he went through everything in his mind, how often he tried to get his emotions straight, he always came to the conclusion that the love he had felt for the other man had slowly turned into friendship. Since he had admitted this fact to himself, he was racking his brains about how to end this without hurting Kyo, but in the process, he was probably causing these uncomfortable situations with being distant, although physically present.
"I just said that you will need to do the shopping tomorrow since I have to do this interview." Kyo repeated mechanically, before bringing another spoonful of food to his lips. Repeating what he had said came automatically to him now, since he had been doing it for some time.
He tried to act as casual as possible, and went on eating, but he couldn't help but sneak a peek at the other from the corner of his eye. He knew that something had changed, that something was wrong in the situation. But he didn't know what exactly it was. Or maybe he had a good guess, but he tried to force the thought away, telling himself that he was only imagining things, only letting his irrationality come into the way of logic. Still, he was nervous.
"Ah, okay." Kaoru nodded, and then, not knowing what else he could say, he turned his attention back to his food. The atmosphere was suffocating, just like this entire situation, and he wanted to jump up and flee; he wanted to tell Kyo how he felt about their relationship. But he didn't do it, knowing it would crush the other's heart. They had been through a lot troubles together, had lived past all the highs and lows a relationship offered – though with the emotionally excessive vocalist of a famous rock band, the lows were more present than the highs.
There had been a time when they were happy, when the days had been brighter, the sunshine warmer and love was all they had needed. Sadly, those short periods never lasted long and although Kaoru still cared for the other man, in his mind he had begun to call him 'friend' instead of 'lover' a long time ago.
Kyo sat there silently, just looking at the man with whom he shared his bed with, shared his life with. And he couldn't help but feel his heart shrink. He was scared. Scared that the other would realize that the feelings that might've been there once had all turned to friendship only, had all faded until there was nothing left to bind them together. He knew that the fire was gone. The older man didn't love him unconditionally anymore, and now that he thought back to what they had he wasn't sure if he ever had.
But although what they had between them wasn't perfect, but it was still good. It was still something he didn't want to let go of. It was far better than to be left alone, to spend one's life by oneself. It was something to fight for. Something to live for. But the uncomfortable silences were more and more frequent nowadays, and there didn't seem to be anything they could talk about any longer. They even seemed to be subconsciously avoiding each other most of the time, more or less.
They went on eating without looking straight at each other, only casting covert glances every now and then. The silence was weighing heavily on Kaoru's shoulders; it seemed to pierce him and suck the happiness out of the atmosphere around them. Unable to bear it longer, he spoke up, straightening in his chair. "Die told me that Toshiya dumped his girlfriend again." He said the first thing that popped into his mind, and although their bassist's private life didn't interest him at all, it might still lift the tension a bit. "He told Die that she demanded too much of his time."
"Oh." Kyo nodded slowly, not sure what he should say about that matter, since he knew neither of them was really interested. "Isn't that, what, the third girl he’s dumped in the last couple of months?" He thought it might be better to try to say something about it though, just to make an effort.
"Yeah, the third," the guitarist confirmed. The attempt to get a conversation going had failed miserably; again, both men fell silent. After they were finished eating, Kaoru wordlessly got up and cleared the table, then began washing the dishes in the sink right away. Kyo had offered to help, but he told him he didn't have to. He simply wanted to be alone and think; now wasn’t the time to talk to the other seriously about their relationship.
When he was told his help wasn't needed, Kyo went into the living room and plopped down on the couch, turning on the TV. But in reality, he ended up staring right through the screen, thinking instead about everything in his life, especially his dying relationship. He didn't know how to sort it out, but he knew he didn't want to let go. Not now.
It would've been easier for Kaoru to leave the vocalist if he didn't care for him anymore. But that wasn't the case. He cared for him as a friend, and this made things even more complicated. Not to mention that they played in the same band, and he had a certain responsibility not to let their private problems affect their music and work. To make it seem even more of a hopeless case, he had developed some kind of crush for their redheaded rhythm guitarist.
Die was so different from Kyo, always up for a joke or a drink, talking the sun to sleep if somebody was up for listening to him. It was just what Kaoru needed; someone who would be able to cheer him when he was sad, someone who he wouldn't have to be afraid for when he cut his arms or chest during a live, or whenever he felt bad. He was just tired of watching over Kyo, of having too many emotions involved, and he felt he was going to be left behind if he clung to this relationship. He had to end it, for his own sake – not for some hypocritical reason that said that it would be best for Kyo to leave him when he didn't love him anymore. That was just bullshit. Kaoru knew that Kyo would suffer, and that he would rather choose a false relationship than to be alone.
Kyo was too tired to go through the undefined mass of emotions and thoughts going around inside his head again and again. Especially now that he had one of his not-so-good phases going on, due to what he had heard a few days ago. Moments ago, he had lied to Kaoru; he didn't have an interview the next day. He was going to see a doctor. And he hoped with all his might that the doctor would have good news for him instead of bad. The chances were fifty-fifty, according to what he'd heard the last time he was there, but now he would hear the final statement about his own situation.
Under the pretence of completing some work, Kaoru slipped into the small guestroom in their apartment, where his desk was. He knew that Kyo would've wanted some attention – a smile, a few loving words, a peck on the lips – but he just couldn't. It would feel like betraying him, pretending that everything was alright when it really wasn't. As he saw the small blonde on the couch, cuddled in a woollen blanket, his heart sank. It was obvious that the situation hadn't passed by him unnoticed, and that he was suffering from it as much as the guitarist, but still, Kaoru couldn't bring himself to give him a hug.
For the rest of the evening, Kyo sat on the couch, pretending to watch TV, and at the same time, both hoping and fearing that the other man would join him. Somehow, he hoped that once they talked again, the awkwardness would be gone, but he knew that it wasn't going to be the case. They would end up not having anything to say to each other again. Finally, he got tired to the TV and got up, making his way to the bedroom to get some sleep.
Kaoru glanced at him when he quietly passed by the work room. He was tired as well, unable to focus on anything, let alone work. All this time, he had just sat there, staring at the screen of his computer without even opening a single file. After waiting an adequate amount of time, he shut down the computer and got up to get some sleep. He was hoping the vocalist would be fast asleep already. Quickly, Kaoru stripped to his boxers and t-shirt and slipped into bed, pulling the blanket over his head.
The smaller man wasn't sleeping, but he pretended to be. He tried to steady his breathing, to hold himself still so that the other wouldn't notice that he was awake. For the entire night, he stayed like this, staring into the distance and trying to shut his own mind up.
The guitarist didn't waste a thought on the possibility that the other wasn't actually sleeping. He was only glad that he didn't have a chance to confront him. It had been quite some time since they had last shared a few moments of passion by making love, and even back then, it had been Kyo who had made the first move. Seriously tired, Kaoru managed to fall asleep despite his racing thoughts, drifting off into uneasy dreams.
The morning came just like every other morning, and soon Kyo got up from the bed, not even sparing a glance at the other man, since he assumed he was still sleeping. He went to take a quick shower, since they would have practice later that day, and he was going to leave for the doctor appointment afterward, in the late afternoon.
Although Kaoru had been hoping that the melancholy feeling that had engulfed him would be gone and he could at least talk to the vocalist normally again, it had been in vain. Once awake, his mood seemed to have darkened even more until he felt like the mere sight of the other man was slowly suffocating him. He knew he was overreacting, but once he had made the decision that he wouldn't give this relationship another chance, all he could think about was how to end it without causing more suffering than needed.
The sight of Kyo only reminded him that this wouldn't be possible, that it wasn't his fault and yet he feared the moment when the other would ask him 'why', because there was not a single reason. It was only that love had faded, and that the small things he had previously ignored were disturbing him now; he felt like the other man was slowly sucking the life out of him by being his serious and inwardly-vulnerable self.
They only exchanged a few words in the morning when Kyo asked the guitarist if he wanted coffee, receiving only a brief 'yes' in return. They didn't even talk on their way to the studio, both lost deep in their own thoughts. The other three band members had noticed that something was amiss between the two, but they all blamed it on the normal things a relationship went through, normal alight quarrels and such.
More than once, Kaoru had envisioned himself going to Kyo and telling him that it made no sense anymore. And even now, while he was playing his guitar, staring at his soon to be ex-lover contemplatively, in his mind's eye, he saw himself going over to him, placing his hand gently on his shoulder and telling him they needed to talk.
Of course, he had never dared to take that step yet, but it pained him. Why was he so weak all of a sudden? So indecisive? Usually, he was the secure and steady rock whom everybody addressed for guidance. The only explanation he had was that his inner turmoil was slowly eating him up because he tried to please everybody, and was always wanting to find a way to make it so that they all could live with it. Deep down inside though, he knew that this was impossible.
During the practice, Kyo was able to concentrate on the singing, the vocals and the lyrics somehow giving him momentary distraction from his troubles. He tried to ignore the others as well as he could, managing to shrug it all off, so he didn't notice as two pairs of eyes followed him around the studio.
They all tried to act as normally as possible, but it felt to Die that this was something more major than what Kyo and Kaoru had gone through so far. He tried to watch them both to see if their appearances and gestures revealed anything. But those two were too damn good with hiding their emotions. Still, it was clear that something was wrong. And no matter how much Die tried to suppress the feeling, he couldn't help but feel a little glad that the two lovers seemed to be more and more distant towards each other all the time. He knew it was wrong of him to think so, but he couldn't help it. He'd had a hopeless crush on the bandleader for a long now, and he knew he had no chances as long as the two were in a steady relationship. But if they broke up, then maybe he might work out the courage to tell Kaoru how he felt.
To Kaoru, it all felt like a bad dream, and though his decision to leave the vocalist was set and not able to be repealed, he had also made up his mind not to give in to the urge to try to get closer with Die as well. It would make him feel guilty, as if he left Kyo for somebody else, when in reality this wasn't the case. It was just coincidence that he happened to have fallen in love with the other guitarist, and it made things so much more complicated inside him. He just couldn't divide his feelings anymore, and it drove him insane. Accidentally, his gaze brushed past said other guitarist, and when his heart skipped a few beats, he again had to admit that he had really developed a major crush on him.
Somehow, they all were more silent than usual, the atmosphere heavy and oppressing. So it was no wonder that as they ended for the day, with the vocalist's said "interview" about to begin, they all packed up their belongings as fast as possible. Kyo was the first to leave, giving them all a tired smile from the doorway. "I'll get going, so I won't be late. And Kao," He turned to look at the lead guitarist. "I'll try to be home as soon as possible, okay?"
"Sure." The lead-guitarist nodded and smiled at him. He knew how much Kyo hated interviews, and although he had forgotten that their management had set this for him only, he pitied him. "Try to survive there, okay. I’m going to meet a friend later, but I’ll try to be home as early as possible. But you don’t hurry, okay?" It was a lie that he was going to meet a friend, but since Kyo hated it when Kaoru went out to drink alone, he thought it'd be better not to mention this in case it only made things more complicated.
"We'll see then." With a small wave of his hand, the small blonde was out of the door. It didn't take long before the drummer and the bassist followed, leaving only the two guitarists behind. For some reason, Die had taken the longest to pack his stuff, though he was trying to pretend it was completely normal.
In reality, he wanted to talk to the other man, sensing that something was wrong. He told himself that he only wanted to make sure his friend was all right. He hesitated a bit, as Kaoru stood at his place, not moving, but finally he raised his voice, searching for the other's gaze. "Hey Kao. Can I talk to you?"
Startled, the addressed man turned to face him, a false smile on his lips. "Sure. Is something wrong?" Afraid that he would subconsciously give away that he was attracted to the other, he remained standing where he was.
"Well, that kinda was exactly what I wanted to ask you." Die smiled softly, sensing that the other was reluctant to step any closer, and therefore stayed firmly in his place as well.
Kaoru looked surprised, but the smile faded. He really needed somebody to talk to, but although the redhead was one of his best friends, he didn't think it'd be wise to tell him about his problems. Sooner or later, they would come to the question of if there was someone else in his life, and Kaoru just didn't have the strength to lie to the other man. In general, he was sick and tired of lying, since he was usually an honest person by nature. "No, everything's alright." It hurt him to say those words, to lie once again. "Just some minor quarrels."
"You know, it doesn't look like minor to me." The redhead sighed, averting his gaze a bit. He didn't want to stick his nose into other people's business, but this looked like it was getting out of hand. "But it's none of my business. Just know that, if you ever need to talk, I'll be here. Okay?"
For a long moment, Kaoru stared unseeingly at his friend. The truth was, he really needed somebody to talk to, and finally, unintentionally, it broke free. "I'm going to leave him." The words were hardly above a whisper, and they yet echoed strangely in his ears. It was the first time he had said them out loud.
Although Die had suspected that this was something more serious, the words still took him by surprise. He couldn't cover a small flinch, but then immediately nodded and tried to remain calm. "Leave him? Something happened?"
A sigh left the older guitarist's lips and he shrugged. There was the question he had feared, and he knew that if he couldn't explain it to Die, there was no chance to make Kyo understand it. Slowly, he walked over to the couch, falling down on it as if his body was made of lead. "I don't know." He spoke hesitantly, trying to sort his thoughts. But suddenly, he looked up, straight at the other man who was still standing in the middle of the room. "I don't love him anymore. I guess that's the bottom line."
Slowly Die nodded, trying to process the feelings and thoughts inside of himself. Hesitantly, he took a few steps closer, still leaving a safe amount of space in between. "And how does he feel about it? Did you two talk?" Somewhere in the back of his head, he felt a tiny sparkle of hope, that maybe he would once get his chance of happiness too.
"I don't know how to." Kaoru shook his head, still looking at the other with huge eyes, as if he could find an answer to his questions in their dark depths. "He knows that something's wrong, but he’s never mentioned anything so far. I don't want to hurt him too much, you know." Another sigh resonated in the air when the older man finally averted his gaze, bowing his head.
Somehow Die managed to gain enough courage to walk to the other man and sit down beside him, placing his hand lightly on his shoulder. "I know. But maybe it's the best to set him straight..."
Kaoru flinched slightly at the touch, Die's hand unknowingly burning him. "Believe me, I tried more than once. But every single time, I backed off in the last second." He kept his eyes cast down, though he covertly sneaked a peek at the redhead. "I think I'm only waiting for the right moment."
"Just be sure you don't wait for too long." Die smiled softly. He really meant it, and even if he hadn't had any feelings for the other man, he still thought the same. It would be best to end it now than to think about it over and over again, when nothing would really change.
"It's not that easy. You know how bad he is with emotions. But of course, you're right too." After releasing another sigh of desperation, Kaoru shifted a bit to face the other. "It's eating me up. Everything. The relationship, pretending to still have feelings when there are none, dodging every touch. It's killing me slowly," he confessed, his eyes displaying the fight that took place inside him.
The redhead bit his lip softly, not knowing what to say. It pained him to see the other so confused, and he would've hoped with all his might that he had the ability to make things better. But instead, he just nodded slowly. "That's just why you should end it. Before it breaks you down."
"You're right. And still it's not easy." The lead-guitarist felt tears of frustration rise to his eyes, and he closed them, not wanting his friend to see him cry. With a displeased growl, he tilted his head backwards against the couch's backrest. If only he could tell Die everything, tell him how hard it was to remain cool in his presence; how much he wanted to touch him and be hugged by him. If one broke it down, all he wanted was to be happy again, to find his smile back and to enjoy life.
"I know." Somehow seeing how hard it was for the other man made Die act on instinct, and he took ahold of Kaoru's shoulders, pulling him into an embrace. At least he could be a good friend and try to be there for the other guitarist. "But you'll live through it. Eventually."
Although he knew it was only a friendly gesture, the contact sped up Kaoru's heartbeat. Die was so wonderfully warm, so full of life, while Kyo sometimes had a certain coldness that concealed his emotions. "Thank you." The words were muffled, spoken against the redhead's shoulder where Kaoru had buried his face. Subconsciously, he tightened his grip, clinging to the other man, seeking comfort and strength.
"It's what friends are for." Die smiled, hugging the other tighter and stroking his back soothingly. 'Besides I love you', was what he added in his mind, but he didn't dare to say it out loud. It would give the wrong impression; he didn't want the other man to run to him simply because he was feeling bad and he was the one who happened to be there.
It hurt Kaoru to hear those words from Die, but he didn't show it. Of course Die was his friend; what else should he be? Thinking forbidden thoughts, he still didn't let go, simply nodding instead, unable to steady his voice enough to give a proper answer. Besides, it felt good to be held like this, to be allowed to be weak for once.
The redhead didn't say anything further, only continued to hold the other and concentrate on listening to his heartbeat. Somehow, it felt all too good to be near the other like this, even though it was only just hugging and holding him. He focused on giving the other all the time he needed, trying to soothe him and calm him down.
But Kaoru was afraid that if they stayed like this, he wouldn't be able to contain himself any longer and suddenly confess everything. So he slowly detached himself from the other man's embrace, offering Die a faint smile. "Thank you. You are..." 'Gorgeous, warm, what I need' he waned to say, but got a hold of himself in the nick of time. "...the best friend anyone could have."
Die only smiled, averting his gaze. Somehow, he felt a bit awkward, like he had crossed a line unintentionally, though there was no coming back. "Just try to get through it. And you know you can call me anytime if you need me."
The tension between them was almost palpable, and Kaoru felt the need to lift it before he did something stupid. So he jumped up, winking. "Careful, I might hold you to that." Sobering, he added. "Thank you."
"Feel free to hold me to that." The younger guitarist found his smile, but didn't move from his place on the couch. "And it's really no problem."
"Die, would you go for a drink with me?" The question had cost Kaoru, because he knew everybody had heard him telling Kyo he'd go out with a friend. Though it wouldn't even be a lie anymore if Die agreed to it, he felt a bit awkward. But all he knew was that he didn't want to leave the other man just yet.
"Okay," For some reason, Die was really relieved to hear that he would be able to spend a few more moments with Kaoru. He told himself it was only because the other man didn't seem to be his normal self yet and therefore, someone should look after him. But in reality, he knew he just wanted to share the other's company a little longer.
They didn't talk much as they walked to a small bar near their practice room, but for once, the silence lacked the oppressing character it had when he was with Kyo. Walking side by side, he caught himself casting stealthy glances at the redhead from the corner of his eye, and he had to fight the urge to hook his arm around his.
The silence indeed was somewhat comfortable, and Die only broke it when they arrived at the bar. He held the door open for the other man, smiling at him. "You go look for a place to sit down, and I'll get the drinks."
The older guitarist nodded thankfully, displaying an honest smile for what felt like an eternity. "Sounds like a plan." Die's mere proximity seemed to be sufficient to make him feel better and there was a spark of hope inside him that everything would turn out fine eventually.
The younger man did what he had said he would, and soon found the other again, handing him a beer. "If you want something else I can go back there." He smiled again, just taking a seat himself.
"No, beer'll do for now." Kaoru had chosen a small table in a concealed corner of the bar. It must have been his subconsciousness that had made him do that, wanting them to have as much privacy as possible. If he hadn't been in a relationship, he would've probably invited the redhead home and then hit on him shamelessly. But the responsible side in him forbade it.
Die nodded at the words, taking a long sip of his beer. He didn't know whether Kaoru wanted to talk about his failed relationship or not, so he gavve him the initiative, prepared to talk with him on whatever subject it'd be. But Kaoru kept silent, just enjoying the fact that he wasn't home alone right now. Something else had sneaked into his mind, something beside the images of going to Kyo and breaking up with him. It was images of him being with Die, of feeling his warm body next to his own, of feeling his soft lips and hear his voice blurred by pleasure. Quickly, he shook his head to get rid of those thoughts, discarding them as impossible and improper for the situation.
For some time they just sat there in silence, downing a couple of beers by the way. They began to talk about everything and nothing, avoiding the serious topics and trying to relax altogether; finally, they were laughing together, both of them enjoying the moment. But Die had to keep a firm hold of himself because when he heard the other laugh, and saw his eyes sparkle, all he wanted was to kiss him and pull him near. But of course, he couldn't do that.
Time flew by and Kaoru didn't even notice that it was getting late. For the first time within the last couple of weeks, he didn't think about Kyo and his fucked up relationship. He felt good, enjoying Die's company to the fullest, and after some more beers, he had loosened up so much that he even began to tell perverted jokes. It was a bit like in the old days, before he and the vocalist had become an item and he had hung out with the redhead more often. Somewhere between everyday life and a serious relationship, their friendship had been forgotten. But it was never too late to make up for that by moments like these.
Inwardly, he asked himself how everyday life would look like if he was with Die. Would he make him laugh more often, hold him and just screw him merrily whenever they felt like it? Was that what he missed in Kyo? And there he was again, sneaking into his thoughts like a cat sneaking up on a mouse. But maybe that was the answer to his questions. Kyo was too serious most of the time; had never learned to let go and just enjoy life. He was too similar to himself and thus, both of them slowly drowned the other with their seriousness.
For his part, Die was just so happy to be able to spend time with his friend again that he didn't even notice what was dwelling in his thoughts. After many drinks, he got up, swaying a bit on his legs. "I'm gonna get one more beer. You want something?" He grinned merrily, looking straight at his friend.
A dozen answers were racing through Kaoru's head, his rational mind blurred by the alcohol. He stared at the other's full, red lips and without realizing it, he burst out, "A kiss." Beaming, his eyes sparkling, he nodded to emphasize the words. If he had been fully aware of what he had said, he would've blushed furiously and would've immediately left head over heels.
The redhead flinched, but he was drunk enough to chuckle and nod. He stepped closer to the other man, leaning down and cupping his cheek in his palm. As it so happened, he was able to look the Kaoru in the eye, and for a moment, his world stood still as he felt like he was drowning in their depths. Slowly, like in a dream, he leaned down and placed their lips together softly.
In a second, Kaoru felt sober again, and yet all he could do was answer to the kiss, trying to imprint the feeling of the other's lips into his memory. The fact was, he had wanted this to happen, and it felt good, almost threateningly good. Die was a playful, gentle kisser, and one could feel that he was insecure, despite the alcohol. Tentatively, Kaoru opened his mouth a bit and ran his tongue along the other's soft lips. His heart was beating frantically in his chest and he knew he should pull back, should apologize for this, but he found himself surrendering to the sensations that were awoken within him.
Die's heart skipped a few beats as the other moved to deepen the contact, and all he could do was to response to it. He had imagined this so many times, had played the possibility through and through in his head, but this was still more than he had expected. The kiss evoked so many feelings in him that it felt like they were bursting his chest, and he still wasn't able to pull back.
They only broke the contact when the need for oxygen forced them apart. Breathing heavily, Kaoru looked at the other man with saucer eyes, still trying to process what had just happened. It would be wrong to tell him the kiss had been a mistake, wrong to apologize for it. Because deep down inside, Kaoru had wanted it, and had initiated it on purpose. "Thank you." He smiled. "I'll take a scotch."
Die swallowed a couple of times, trying to say something. But then he just smiled, though it was a bit nervously, and fled the scene to get them their drinks. His heart was still beating frantically, and he felt like all the alcohol had just vanished from his system.
The emotions inside Kaoru were threatening to drive him insane. Not only had he just kissed Die, but the other had kissed him back passionately. What was he supposed to do now? Talk about it? Remain silent and just go on with the evening? Above all, he feared it would now be incapable to make himself believe that the redhead wasn't the reason why he had planned to leave Kyo in the first place. Although he knew this wasn't the case, once the vocalist found out about this incident, he would certainly use it against him. Inwardly, Kaoru had to admit that it was even his right to do so.
After some time, the redhead came back, handing the other the drink with a forced smile. He didn't know what to think about this right now. All he knew was that he was hopelessly in love with the other man, and he wanted so badly to just tell him that. But he was nervous too, since technically, Kaoru was still in a relationship, and he knew that the older man would consider this cheating.
Thankfully, Kaoru received the drink and downed it immediately. Slowly, the strong liquor ran down his throat, causing a hot feeling, during which he used to make a decision. Thinking that his life was already complicated enough, he at least wanted to settle things between himself and the redhead. "Die." His voice was gentle and soft when he addressed the other man who seemed to be lost in thoughts. "I don't regret it." As simple as this statement was, he was hoping the other would understand him.
When Die had heard the other address him, he had been ready to tell him not to say anything, not wanting the other to say it had just been a mistake. But now the words made him smile a genuine, honest smile. "Me neither." He looked the other in the eye, and like always, he felt his heart skip a beat.
The look said more than words ever could, and in silent stipulation, they let the topic be for now. Slowly, they got a conversation going, but despite what they said, their body language still spoke of the attraction they felt for each other. The topic wasn't crossed the whole evening, but when they knew they should get going, Die simply had to ask the one thing that was like burning in his mind. "Is there a chance that..." But suddenly his courage failed, and he just left the sentence hanging in the air, not finishing it.
Guessing what he wanted to say - no, hoping it - Kaoru's heart stopped beating and he tilted his head, and gave the other man a look full of hope. "Yes?"
"Do I have a chance?" The redhead turned to look the other in the eye, hoping that he'd understand.
Again, tears rose in the lead-guitarist's eyes and he had to swallow hard. There it was, all he had been craving for for such a long time, and he had to turn him down because he didn't have the guts to break up with Kyo. But did he have to turn him down? Not if Die was willing to give him some time, to wait till he had settled things between the vocalist and himself. "Yes." He nodded slowly, seriously. "But it needs time." He was hoping the other would understand. Inwardly, he just wanted to throw himself at Die, wanted to tell him that this was what he had been dreaming about, but he just couldn't; it would be too confusing emotionally.
"We can give it time." Die nodded seriously, willing to sacrifice for what he had been wanting for so long. "You just need to promise you will do something about the situation."
"Die..." As if he was afraid that the other would just get up and run, Kaoru covered his hand with his own. "I don't want him to think I left him for you, but I will leave him."
"I understand." The redhead turned his head to face the other man, squeezing the other's hand. "And I can wait. I really can."
It was an awkward moment. They were talking about starting a love affair, a relationship, as if it was the most natural thing. It made Kaoru's heart fill with bubbling joy, because he had never experienced this kind of wordless communication before, this kind of silent stipulation when both knew what the other wanted to say. "Thank you." He smiled honestly, the touch of the other's hand giving him the certainty that Die was everything he wanted now. "I will talk to him tomorrow."
"It'll go well." The younger man tried to sound as encouraging as possible, knowing it was a hard thing to do for the other man. But he wanted it so badly, wanted this so badly that he was relieved when the other said he'd talk about it so soon.
In this moment, as Kaoru looked into Die's eyes, he felt the need for his proximity corporal. It was something in the younger guitarist that instantly made him feel good, like he was accepted the way he really was without having to pretend to be something he wasn't. And suddenly, he was burning inside, burning with desire. He wanted to run his fingers through Die's silky red hair, wanted to kiss him again, feel his skin on his own...but he knew he would have to wait for that. "I hope he'll understand. He's so vulnerable, you know."
"You can't just think about him, you know." Die tilted his head, looking at the other seriously. "I mean, this is your life, and you have to live it. You can't just let the situation break yourself." He knew that Kyo would take it seriously, that it would hit him bad, but at the moment, he was more worried about the lead guitarist. He had seen how lost the other was, and he wanted that to end.
The words made Kaoru smile. It was sweet how the other was worried about him. And that was what it was - worrying about him and convincing him to end it soon. "It would be different if he was another person. But when I began this relationship, I was fully aware of the consequences and the responsibility I took." He took a deep breath, looking at the other seriously. "You'll be there for me, right?" Never before had he asked somebody to stand by him like that, but right now, it came easy to him, for once not making him feel as if he was weak and incapable to make it on his own.
"Of course I will." The younger man smiled back honestly, meaning what he said. He would be there for the other, would wait for him, and would do everything he could to make the situation better.
"Thank you." The older guitarist meant it with all his heart. It was getting really late and Kyo would probably be waiting for him already, so he slowly stood up from his seat, but didn't let go of Die's hand. "I have to go home." His voice was toneless, because he would have rather gone with Die and spend the night at his place, yearning for the safety his mere presence provided.
Die stood up, smiling faintly at the other. He brought his other hand up to touch the other's cheek softly, and couldn't resist to plant a small chaste kiss on his lips. "We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"
The answer was a faint nod along with a weak smile. Kaoru had never seen the redhead strong and secure like this, never so serious. It made his heart beat frantically, his knees go weak, and he knew that he had fallen hard for the other. Together, they left the bar, again walking in silence until they had to part, going their separate ways. Just when Die was about to turn around, Kaoru grabbed his arm and pulled him back. He opened his mouth, intending to say something, but finally settled for kissing him deeply.
Die clung to the kiss for as long as it lasted, and even after they parted for air, he held the other close for a moment. He forced himself to smile and tried to calm the frantic beating of his heart. "Talk to him. And we talk tomorrow."
"I will." After pecking his lips shortly once more, Kaoru finally turned around and went his way without looking back. He felt good; he was in love and finally ready to talk to Kyo. He would be honest and tell him that he didn't love him anymore, that what they had was now gone. And when the other had gotten over it, when Kaoru could be sure it wouldn't break him, he would tell him about Die.
Author:
seinen_no and fonulynRating: PG13
Pairing: DiexKaoru, KaoruxKyo
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
For a while now, Kaoru had been staring at his spoon, not really paying attention to anything else. But then, he started, his head snapping up. "Did you say something?" A faint, excusatory smile appeared on his lips as he looked at the small vocalist who sat across from him at the other end of the table. He was sure that Kyo had addressed him, but had been too deeply lost in his thoughts to realize it in time. Lately, these awkward moments of silence had been occurring more often between them, and Kaoru was sure that he had caused them subconsciously.
He had been thinking about their relationship for some time now and no matter how he turned it, no matter how often he went through everything in his mind, how often he tried to get his emotions straight, he always came to the conclusion that the love he had felt for the other man had slowly turned into friendship. Since he had admitted this fact to himself, he was racking his brains about how to end this without hurting Kyo, but in the process, he was probably causing these uncomfortable situations with being distant, although physically present.
"I just said that you will need to do the shopping tomorrow since I have to do this interview." Kyo repeated mechanically, before bringing another spoonful of food to his lips. Repeating what he had said came automatically to him now, since he had been doing it for some time.
He tried to act as casual as possible, and went on eating, but he couldn't help but sneak a peek at the other from the corner of his eye. He knew that something had changed, that something was wrong in the situation. But he didn't know what exactly it was. Or maybe he had a good guess, but he tried to force the thought away, telling himself that he was only imagining things, only letting his irrationality come into the way of logic. Still, he was nervous.
"Ah, okay." Kaoru nodded, and then, not knowing what else he could say, he turned his attention back to his food. The atmosphere was suffocating, just like this entire situation, and he wanted to jump up and flee; he wanted to tell Kyo how he felt about their relationship. But he didn't do it, knowing it would crush the other's heart. They had been through a lot troubles together, had lived past all the highs and lows a relationship offered – though with the emotionally excessive vocalist of a famous rock band, the lows were more present than the highs.
There had been a time when they were happy, when the days had been brighter, the sunshine warmer and love was all they had needed. Sadly, those short periods never lasted long and although Kaoru still cared for the other man, in his mind he had begun to call him 'friend' instead of 'lover' a long time ago.
Kyo sat there silently, just looking at the man with whom he shared his bed with, shared his life with. And he couldn't help but feel his heart shrink. He was scared. Scared that the other would realize that the feelings that might've been there once had all turned to friendship only, had all faded until there was nothing left to bind them together. He knew that the fire was gone. The older man didn't love him unconditionally anymore, and now that he thought back to what they had he wasn't sure if he ever had.
But although what they had between them wasn't perfect, but it was still good. It was still something he didn't want to let go of. It was far better than to be left alone, to spend one's life by oneself. It was something to fight for. Something to live for. But the uncomfortable silences were more and more frequent nowadays, and there didn't seem to be anything they could talk about any longer. They even seemed to be subconsciously avoiding each other most of the time, more or less.
They went on eating without looking straight at each other, only casting covert glances every now and then. The silence was weighing heavily on Kaoru's shoulders; it seemed to pierce him and suck the happiness out of the atmosphere around them. Unable to bear it longer, he spoke up, straightening in his chair. "Die told me that Toshiya dumped his girlfriend again." He said the first thing that popped into his mind, and although their bassist's private life didn't interest him at all, it might still lift the tension a bit. "He told Die that she demanded too much of his time."
"Oh." Kyo nodded slowly, not sure what he should say about that matter, since he knew neither of them was really interested. "Isn't that, what, the third girl he’s dumped in the last couple of months?" He thought it might be better to try to say something about it though, just to make an effort.
"Yeah, the third," the guitarist confirmed. The attempt to get a conversation going had failed miserably; again, both men fell silent. After they were finished eating, Kaoru wordlessly got up and cleared the table, then began washing the dishes in the sink right away. Kyo had offered to help, but he told him he didn't have to. He simply wanted to be alone and think; now wasn’t the time to talk to the other seriously about their relationship.
When he was told his help wasn't needed, Kyo went into the living room and plopped down on the couch, turning on the TV. But in reality, he ended up staring right through the screen, thinking instead about everything in his life, especially his dying relationship. He didn't know how to sort it out, but he knew he didn't want to let go. Not now.
It would've been easier for Kaoru to leave the vocalist if he didn't care for him anymore. But that wasn't the case. He cared for him as a friend, and this made things even more complicated. Not to mention that they played in the same band, and he had a certain responsibility not to let their private problems affect their music and work. To make it seem even more of a hopeless case, he had developed some kind of crush for their redheaded rhythm guitarist.
Die was so different from Kyo, always up for a joke or a drink, talking the sun to sleep if somebody was up for listening to him. It was just what Kaoru needed; someone who would be able to cheer him when he was sad, someone who he wouldn't have to be afraid for when he cut his arms or chest during a live, or whenever he felt bad. He was just tired of watching over Kyo, of having too many emotions involved, and he felt he was going to be left behind if he clung to this relationship. He had to end it, for his own sake – not for some hypocritical reason that said that it would be best for Kyo to leave him when he didn't love him anymore. That was just bullshit. Kaoru knew that Kyo would suffer, and that he would rather choose a false relationship than to be alone.
Kyo was too tired to go through the undefined mass of emotions and thoughts going around inside his head again and again. Especially now that he had one of his not-so-good phases going on, due to what he had heard a few days ago. Moments ago, he had lied to Kaoru; he didn't have an interview the next day. He was going to see a doctor. And he hoped with all his might that the doctor would have good news for him instead of bad. The chances were fifty-fifty, according to what he'd heard the last time he was there, but now he would hear the final statement about his own situation.
Under the pretence of completing some work, Kaoru slipped into the small guestroom in their apartment, where his desk was. He knew that Kyo would've wanted some attention – a smile, a few loving words, a peck on the lips – but he just couldn't. It would feel like betraying him, pretending that everything was alright when it really wasn't. As he saw the small blonde on the couch, cuddled in a woollen blanket, his heart sank. It was obvious that the situation hadn't passed by him unnoticed, and that he was suffering from it as much as the guitarist, but still, Kaoru couldn't bring himself to give him a hug.
For the rest of the evening, Kyo sat on the couch, pretending to watch TV, and at the same time, both hoping and fearing that the other man would join him. Somehow, he hoped that once they talked again, the awkwardness would be gone, but he knew that it wasn't going to be the case. They would end up not having anything to say to each other again. Finally, he got tired to the TV and got up, making his way to the bedroom to get some sleep.
Kaoru glanced at him when he quietly passed by the work room. He was tired as well, unable to focus on anything, let alone work. All this time, he had just sat there, staring at the screen of his computer without even opening a single file. After waiting an adequate amount of time, he shut down the computer and got up to get some sleep. He was hoping the vocalist would be fast asleep already. Quickly, Kaoru stripped to his boxers and t-shirt and slipped into bed, pulling the blanket over his head.
The smaller man wasn't sleeping, but he pretended to be. He tried to steady his breathing, to hold himself still so that the other wouldn't notice that he was awake. For the entire night, he stayed like this, staring into the distance and trying to shut his own mind up.
The guitarist didn't waste a thought on the possibility that the other wasn't actually sleeping. He was only glad that he didn't have a chance to confront him. It had been quite some time since they had last shared a few moments of passion by making love, and even back then, it had been Kyo who had made the first move. Seriously tired, Kaoru managed to fall asleep despite his racing thoughts, drifting off into uneasy dreams.
The morning came just like every other morning, and soon Kyo got up from the bed, not even sparing a glance at the other man, since he assumed he was still sleeping. He went to take a quick shower, since they would have practice later that day, and he was going to leave for the doctor appointment afterward, in the late afternoon.
Although Kaoru had been hoping that the melancholy feeling that had engulfed him would be gone and he could at least talk to the vocalist normally again, it had been in vain. Once awake, his mood seemed to have darkened even more until he felt like the mere sight of the other man was slowly suffocating him. He knew he was overreacting, but once he had made the decision that he wouldn't give this relationship another chance, all he could think about was how to end it without causing more suffering than needed.
The sight of Kyo only reminded him that this wouldn't be possible, that it wasn't his fault and yet he feared the moment when the other would ask him 'why', because there was not a single reason. It was only that love had faded, and that the small things he had previously ignored were disturbing him now; he felt like the other man was slowly sucking the life out of him by being his serious and inwardly-vulnerable self.
They only exchanged a few words in the morning when Kyo asked the guitarist if he wanted coffee, receiving only a brief 'yes' in return. They didn't even talk on their way to the studio, both lost deep in their own thoughts. The other three band members had noticed that something was amiss between the two, but they all blamed it on the normal things a relationship went through, normal alight quarrels and such.
More than once, Kaoru had envisioned himself going to Kyo and telling him that it made no sense anymore. And even now, while he was playing his guitar, staring at his soon to be ex-lover contemplatively, in his mind's eye, he saw himself going over to him, placing his hand gently on his shoulder and telling him they needed to talk.
Of course, he had never dared to take that step yet, but it pained him. Why was he so weak all of a sudden? So indecisive? Usually, he was the secure and steady rock whom everybody addressed for guidance. The only explanation he had was that his inner turmoil was slowly eating him up because he tried to please everybody, and was always wanting to find a way to make it so that they all could live with it. Deep down inside though, he knew that this was impossible.
During the practice, Kyo was able to concentrate on the singing, the vocals and the lyrics somehow giving him momentary distraction from his troubles. He tried to ignore the others as well as he could, managing to shrug it all off, so he didn't notice as two pairs of eyes followed him around the studio.
They all tried to act as normally as possible, but it felt to Die that this was something more major than what Kyo and Kaoru had gone through so far. He tried to watch them both to see if their appearances and gestures revealed anything. But those two were too damn good with hiding their emotions. Still, it was clear that something was wrong. And no matter how much Die tried to suppress the feeling, he couldn't help but feel a little glad that the two lovers seemed to be more and more distant towards each other all the time. He knew it was wrong of him to think so, but he couldn't help it. He'd had a hopeless crush on the bandleader for a long now, and he knew he had no chances as long as the two were in a steady relationship. But if they broke up, then maybe he might work out the courage to tell Kaoru how he felt.
To Kaoru, it all felt like a bad dream, and though his decision to leave the vocalist was set and not able to be repealed, he had also made up his mind not to give in to the urge to try to get closer with Die as well. It would make him feel guilty, as if he left Kyo for somebody else, when in reality this wasn't the case. It was just coincidence that he happened to have fallen in love with the other guitarist, and it made things so much more complicated inside him. He just couldn't divide his feelings anymore, and it drove him insane. Accidentally, his gaze brushed past said other guitarist, and when his heart skipped a few beats, he again had to admit that he had really developed a major crush on him.
Somehow, they all were more silent than usual, the atmosphere heavy and oppressing. So it was no wonder that as they ended for the day, with the vocalist's said "interview" about to begin, they all packed up their belongings as fast as possible. Kyo was the first to leave, giving them all a tired smile from the doorway. "I'll get going, so I won't be late. And Kao," He turned to look at the lead guitarist. "I'll try to be home as soon as possible, okay?"
"Sure." The lead-guitarist nodded and smiled at him. He knew how much Kyo hated interviews, and although he had forgotten that their management had set this for him only, he pitied him. "Try to survive there, okay. I’m going to meet a friend later, but I’ll try to be home as early as possible. But you don’t hurry, okay?" It was a lie that he was going to meet a friend, but since Kyo hated it when Kaoru went out to drink alone, he thought it'd be better not to mention this in case it only made things more complicated.
"We'll see then." With a small wave of his hand, the small blonde was out of the door. It didn't take long before the drummer and the bassist followed, leaving only the two guitarists behind. For some reason, Die had taken the longest to pack his stuff, though he was trying to pretend it was completely normal.
In reality, he wanted to talk to the other man, sensing that something was wrong. He told himself that he only wanted to make sure his friend was all right. He hesitated a bit, as Kaoru stood at his place, not moving, but finally he raised his voice, searching for the other's gaze. "Hey Kao. Can I talk to you?"
Startled, the addressed man turned to face him, a false smile on his lips. "Sure. Is something wrong?" Afraid that he would subconsciously give away that he was attracted to the other, he remained standing where he was.
"Well, that kinda was exactly what I wanted to ask you." Die smiled softly, sensing that the other was reluctant to step any closer, and therefore stayed firmly in his place as well.
Kaoru looked surprised, but the smile faded. He really needed somebody to talk to, but although the redhead was one of his best friends, he didn't think it'd be wise to tell him about his problems. Sooner or later, they would come to the question of if there was someone else in his life, and Kaoru just didn't have the strength to lie to the other man. In general, he was sick and tired of lying, since he was usually an honest person by nature. "No, everything's alright." It hurt him to say those words, to lie once again. "Just some minor quarrels."
"You know, it doesn't look like minor to me." The redhead sighed, averting his gaze a bit. He didn't want to stick his nose into other people's business, but this looked like it was getting out of hand. "But it's none of my business. Just know that, if you ever need to talk, I'll be here. Okay?"
For a long moment, Kaoru stared unseeingly at his friend. The truth was, he really needed somebody to talk to, and finally, unintentionally, it broke free. "I'm going to leave him." The words were hardly above a whisper, and they yet echoed strangely in his ears. It was the first time he had said them out loud.
Although Die had suspected that this was something more serious, the words still took him by surprise. He couldn't cover a small flinch, but then immediately nodded and tried to remain calm. "Leave him? Something happened?"
A sigh left the older guitarist's lips and he shrugged. There was the question he had feared, and he knew that if he couldn't explain it to Die, there was no chance to make Kyo understand it. Slowly, he walked over to the couch, falling down on it as if his body was made of lead. "I don't know." He spoke hesitantly, trying to sort his thoughts. But suddenly, he looked up, straight at the other man who was still standing in the middle of the room. "I don't love him anymore. I guess that's the bottom line."
Slowly Die nodded, trying to process the feelings and thoughts inside of himself. Hesitantly, he took a few steps closer, still leaving a safe amount of space in between. "And how does he feel about it? Did you two talk?" Somewhere in the back of his head, he felt a tiny sparkle of hope, that maybe he would once get his chance of happiness too.
"I don't know how to." Kaoru shook his head, still looking at the other with huge eyes, as if he could find an answer to his questions in their dark depths. "He knows that something's wrong, but he’s never mentioned anything so far. I don't want to hurt him too much, you know." Another sigh resonated in the air when the older man finally averted his gaze, bowing his head.
Somehow Die managed to gain enough courage to walk to the other man and sit down beside him, placing his hand lightly on his shoulder. "I know. But maybe it's the best to set him straight..."
Kaoru flinched slightly at the touch, Die's hand unknowingly burning him. "Believe me, I tried more than once. But every single time, I backed off in the last second." He kept his eyes cast down, though he covertly sneaked a peek at the redhead. "I think I'm only waiting for the right moment."
"Just be sure you don't wait for too long." Die smiled softly. He really meant it, and even if he hadn't had any feelings for the other man, he still thought the same. It would be best to end it now than to think about it over and over again, when nothing would really change.
"It's not that easy. You know how bad he is with emotions. But of course, you're right too." After releasing another sigh of desperation, Kaoru shifted a bit to face the other. "It's eating me up. Everything. The relationship, pretending to still have feelings when there are none, dodging every touch. It's killing me slowly," he confessed, his eyes displaying the fight that took place inside him.
The redhead bit his lip softly, not knowing what to say. It pained him to see the other so confused, and he would've hoped with all his might that he had the ability to make things better. But instead, he just nodded slowly. "That's just why you should end it. Before it breaks you down."
"You're right. And still it's not easy." The lead-guitarist felt tears of frustration rise to his eyes, and he closed them, not wanting his friend to see him cry. With a displeased growl, he tilted his head backwards against the couch's backrest. If only he could tell Die everything, tell him how hard it was to remain cool in his presence; how much he wanted to touch him and be hugged by him. If one broke it down, all he wanted was to be happy again, to find his smile back and to enjoy life.
"I know." Somehow seeing how hard it was for the other man made Die act on instinct, and he took ahold of Kaoru's shoulders, pulling him into an embrace. At least he could be a good friend and try to be there for the other guitarist. "But you'll live through it. Eventually."
Although he knew it was only a friendly gesture, the contact sped up Kaoru's heartbeat. Die was so wonderfully warm, so full of life, while Kyo sometimes had a certain coldness that concealed his emotions. "Thank you." The words were muffled, spoken against the redhead's shoulder where Kaoru had buried his face. Subconsciously, he tightened his grip, clinging to the other man, seeking comfort and strength.
"It's what friends are for." Die smiled, hugging the other tighter and stroking his back soothingly. 'Besides I love you', was what he added in his mind, but he didn't dare to say it out loud. It would give the wrong impression; he didn't want the other man to run to him simply because he was feeling bad and he was the one who happened to be there.
It hurt Kaoru to hear those words from Die, but he didn't show it. Of course Die was his friend; what else should he be? Thinking forbidden thoughts, he still didn't let go, simply nodding instead, unable to steady his voice enough to give a proper answer. Besides, it felt good to be held like this, to be allowed to be weak for once.
The redhead didn't say anything further, only continued to hold the other and concentrate on listening to his heartbeat. Somehow, it felt all too good to be near the other like this, even though it was only just hugging and holding him. He focused on giving the other all the time he needed, trying to soothe him and calm him down.
But Kaoru was afraid that if they stayed like this, he wouldn't be able to contain himself any longer and suddenly confess everything. So he slowly detached himself from the other man's embrace, offering Die a faint smile. "Thank you. You are..." 'Gorgeous, warm, what I need' he waned to say, but got a hold of himself in the nick of time. "...the best friend anyone could have."
Die only smiled, averting his gaze. Somehow, he felt a bit awkward, like he had crossed a line unintentionally, though there was no coming back. "Just try to get through it. And you know you can call me anytime if you need me."
The tension between them was almost palpable, and Kaoru felt the need to lift it before he did something stupid. So he jumped up, winking. "Careful, I might hold you to that." Sobering, he added. "Thank you."
"Feel free to hold me to that." The younger guitarist found his smile, but didn't move from his place on the couch. "And it's really no problem."
"Die, would you go for a drink with me?" The question had cost Kaoru, because he knew everybody had heard him telling Kyo he'd go out with a friend. Though it wouldn't even be a lie anymore if Die agreed to it, he felt a bit awkward. But all he knew was that he didn't want to leave the other man just yet.
"Okay," For some reason, Die was really relieved to hear that he would be able to spend a few more moments with Kaoru. He told himself it was only because the other man didn't seem to be his normal self yet and therefore, someone should look after him. But in reality, he knew he just wanted to share the other's company a little longer.
They didn't talk much as they walked to a small bar near their practice room, but for once, the silence lacked the oppressing character it had when he was with Kyo. Walking side by side, he caught himself casting stealthy glances at the redhead from the corner of his eye, and he had to fight the urge to hook his arm around his.
The silence indeed was somewhat comfortable, and Die only broke it when they arrived at the bar. He held the door open for the other man, smiling at him. "You go look for a place to sit down, and I'll get the drinks."
The older guitarist nodded thankfully, displaying an honest smile for what felt like an eternity. "Sounds like a plan." Die's mere proximity seemed to be sufficient to make him feel better and there was a spark of hope inside him that everything would turn out fine eventually.
The younger man did what he had said he would, and soon found the other again, handing him a beer. "If you want something else I can go back there." He smiled again, just taking a seat himself.
"No, beer'll do for now." Kaoru had chosen a small table in a concealed corner of the bar. It must have been his subconsciousness that had made him do that, wanting them to have as much privacy as possible. If he hadn't been in a relationship, he would've probably invited the redhead home and then hit on him shamelessly. But the responsible side in him forbade it.
Die nodded at the words, taking a long sip of his beer. He didn't know whether Kaoru wanted to talk about his failed relationship or not, so he gavve him the initiative, prepared to talk with him on whatever subject it'd be. But Kaoru kept silent, just enjoying the fact that he wasn't home alone right now. Something else had sneaked into his mind, something beside the images of going to Kyo and breaking up with him. It was images of him being with Die, of feeling his warm body next to his own, of feeling his soft lips and hear his voice blurred by pleasure. Quickly, he shook his head to get rid of those thoughts, discarding them as impossible and improper for the situation.
For some time they just sat there in silence, downing a couple of beers by the way. They began to talk about everything and nothing, avoiding the serious topics and trying to relax altogether; finally, they were laughing together, both of them enjoying the moment. But Die had to keep a firm hold of himself because when he heard the other laugh, and saw his eyes sparkle, all he wanted was to kiss him and pull him near. But of course, he couldn't do that.
Time flew by and Kaoru didn't even notice that it was getting late. For the first time within the last couple of weeks, he didn't think about Kyo and his fucked up relationship. He felt good, enjoying Die's company to the fullest, and after some more beers, he had loosened up so much that he even began to tell perverted jokes. It was a bit like in the old days, before he and the vocalist had become an item and he had hung out with the redhead more often. Somewhere between everyday life and a serious relationship, their friendship had been forgotten. But it was never too late to make up for that by moments like these.
Inwardly, he asked himself how everyday life would look like if he was with Die. Would he make him laugh more often, hold him and just screw him merrily whenever they felt like it? Was that what he missed in Kyo? And there he was again, sneaking into his thoughts like a cat sneaking up on a mouse. But maybe that was the answer to his questions. Kyo was too serious most of the time; had never learned to let go and just enjoy life. He was too similar to himself and thus, both of them slowly drowned the other with their seriousness.
For his part, Die was just so happy to be able to spend time with his friend again that he didn't even notice what was dwelling in his thoughts. After many drinks, he got up, swaying a bit on his legs. "I'm gonna get one more beer. You want something?" He grinned merrily, looking straight at his friend.
A dozen answers were racing through Kaoru's head, his rational mind blurred by the alcohol. He stared at the other's full, red lips and without realizing it, he burst out, "A kiss." Beaming, his eyes sparkling, he nodded to emphasize the words. If he had been fully aware of what he had said, he would've blushed furiously and would've immediately left head over heels.
The redhead flinched, but he was drunk enough to chuckle and nod. He stepped closer to the other man, leaning down and cupping his cheek in his palm. As it so happened, he was able to look the Kaoru in the eye, and for a moment, his world stood still as he felt like he was drowning in their depths. Slowly, like in a dream, he leaned down and placed their lips together softly.
In a second, Kaoru felt sober again, and yet all he could do was answer to the kiss, trying to imprint the feeling of the other's lips into his memory. The fact was, he had wanted this to happen, and it felt good, almost threateningly good. Die was a playful, gentle kisser, and one could feel that he was insecure, despite the alcohol. Tentatively, Kaoru opened his mouth a bit and ran his tongue along the other's soft lips. His heart was beating frantically in his chest and he knew he should pull back, should apologize for this, but he found himself surrendering to the sensations that were awoken within him.
Die's heart skipped a few beats as the other moved to deepen the contact, and all he could do was to response to it. He had imagined this so many times, had played the possibility through and through in his head, but this was still more than he had expected. The kiss evoked so many feelings in him that it felt like they were bursting his chest, and he still wasn't able to pull back.
They only broke the contact when the need for oxygen forced them apart. Breathing heavily, Kaoru looked at the other man with saucer eyes, still trying to process what had just happened. It would be wrong to tell him the kiss had been a mistake, wrong to apologize for it. Because deep down inside, Kaoru had wanted it, and had initiated it on purpose. "Thank you." He smiled. "I'll take a scotch."
Die swallowed a couple of times, trying to say something. But then he just smiled, though it was a bit nervously, and fled the scene to get them their drinks. His heart was still beating frantically, and he felt like all the alcohol had just vanished from his system.
The emotions inside Kaoru were threatening to drive him insane. Not only had he just kissed Die, but the other had kissed him back passionately. What was he supposed to do now? Talk about it? Remain silent and just go on with the evening? Above all, he feared it would now be incapable to make himself believe that the redhead wasn't the reason why he had planned to leave Kyo in the first place. Although he knew this wasn't the case, once the vocalist found out about this incident, he would certainly use it against him. Inwardly, Kaoru had to admit that it was even his right to do so.
After some time, the redhead came back, handing the other the drink with a forced smile. He didn't know what to think about this right now. All he knew was that he was hopelessly in love with the other man, and he wanted so badly to just tell him that. But he was nervous too, since technically, Kaoru was still in a relationship, and he knew that the older man would consider this cheating.
Thankfully, Kaoru received the drink and downed it immediately. Slowly, the strong liquor ran down his throat, causing a hot feeling, during which he used to make a decision. Thinking that his life was already complicated enough, he at least wanted to settle things between himself and the redhead. "Die." His voice was gentle and soft when he addressed the other man who seemed to be lost in thoughts. "I don't regret it." As simple as this statement was, he was hoping the other would understand him.
When Die had heard the other address him, he had been ready to tell him not to say anything, not wanting the other to say it had just been a mistake. But now the words made him smile a genuine, honest smile. "Me neither." He looked the other in the eye, and like always, he felt his heart skip a beat.
The look said more than words ever could, and in silent stipulation, they let the topic be for now. Slowly, they got a conversation going, but despite what they said, their body language still spoke of the attraction they felt for each other. The topic wasn't crossed the whole evening, but when they knew they should get going, Die simply had to ask the one thing that was like burning in his mind. "Is there a chance that..." But suddenly his courage failed, and he just left the sentence hanging in the air, not finishing it.
Guessing what he wanted to say - no, hoping it - Kaoru's heart stopped beating and he tilted his head, and gave the other man a look full of hope. "Yes?"
"Do I have a chance?" The redhead turned to look the other in the eye, hoping that he'd understand.
Again, tears rose in the lead-guitarist's eyes and he had to swallow hard. There it was, all he had been craving for for such a long time, and he had to turn him down because he didn't have the guts to break up with Kyo. But did he have to turn him down? Not if Die was willing to give him some time, to wait till he had settled things between the vocalist and himself. "Yes." He nodded slowly, seriously. "But it needs time." He was hoping the other would understand. Inwardly, he just wanted to throw himself at Die, wanted to tell him that this was what he had been dreaming about, but he just couldn't; it would be too confusing emotionally.
"We can give it time." Die nodded seriously, willing to sacrifice for what he had been wanting for so long. "You just need to promise you will do something about the situation."
"Die..." As if he was afraid that the other would just get up and run, Kaoru covered his hand with his own. "I don't want him to think I left him for you, but I will leave him."
"I understand." The redhead turned his head to face the other man, squeezing the other's hand. "And I can wait. I really can."
It was an awkward moment. They were talking about starting a love affair, a relationship, as if it was the most natural thing. It made Kaoru's heart fill with bubbling joy, because he had never experienced this kind of wordless communication before, this kind of silent stipulation when both knew what the other wanted to say. "Thank you." He smiled honestly, the touch of the other's hand giving him the certainty that Die was everything he wanted now. "I will talk to him tomorrow."
"It'll go well." The younger man tried to sound as encouraging as possible, knowing it was a hard thing to do for the other man. But he wanted it so badly, wanted this so badly that he was relieved when the other said he'd talk about it so soon.
In this moment, as Kaoru looked into Die's eyes, he felt the need for his proximity corporal. It was something in the younger guitarist that instantly made him feel good, like he was accepted the way he really was without having to pretend to be something he wasn't. And suddenly, he was burning inside, burning with desire. He wanted to run his fingers through Die's silky red hair, wanted to kiss him again, feel his skin on his own...but he knew he would have to wait for that. "I hope he'll understand. He's so vulnerable, you know."
"You can't just think about him, you know." Die tilted his head, looking at the other seriously. "I mean, this is your life, and you have to live it. You can't just let the situation break yourself." He knew that Kyo would take it seriously, that it would hit him bad, but at the moment, he was more worried about the lead guitarist. He had seen how lost the other was, and he wanted that to end.
The words made Kaoru smile. It was sweet how the other was worried about him. And that was what it was - worrying about him and convincing him to end it soon. "It would be different if he was another person. But when I began this relationship, I was fully aware of the consequences and the responsibility I took." He took a deep breath, looking at the other seriously. "You'll be there for me, right?" Never before had he asked somebody to stand by him like that, but right now, it came easy to him, for once not making him feel as if he was weak and incapable to make it on his own.
"Of course I will." The younger man smiled back honestly, meaning what he said. He would be there for the other, would wait for him, and would do everything he could to make the situation better.
"Thank you." The older guitarist meant it with all his heart. It was getting really late and Kyo would probably be waiting for him already, so he slowly stood up from his seat, but didn't let go of Die's hand. "I have to go home." His voice was toneless, because he would have rather gone with Die and spend the night at his place, yearning for the safety his mere presence provided.
Die stood up, smiling faintly at the other. He brought his other hand up to touch the other's cheek softly, and couldn't resist to plant a small chaste kiss on his lips. "We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"
The answer was a faint nod along with a weak smile. Kaoru had never seen the redhead strong and secure like this, never so serious. It made his heart beat frantically, his knees go weak, and he knew that he had fallen hard for the other. Together, they left the bar, again walking in silence until they had to part, going their separate ways. Just when Die was about to turn around, Kaoru grabbed his arm and pulled him back. He opened his mouth, intending to say something, but finally settled for kissing him deeply.
Die clung to the kiss for as long as it lasted, and even after they parted for air, he held the other close for a moment. He forced himself to smile and tried to calm the frantic beating of his heart. "Talk to him. And we talk tomorrow."
"I will." After pecking his lips shortly once more, Kaoru finally turned around and went his way without looking back. He felt good; he was in love and finally ready to talk to Kyo. He would be honest and tell him that he didn't love him anymore, that what they had was now gone. And when the other had gotten over it, when Kaoru could be sure it wouldn't break him, he would tell him about Die.