rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:16 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:16 pm
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Title: The walk of life; Chapter 9: Every story needs an end [the last chapter]
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seinen_no and fonulyn
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments:
seinen_no: Oh my, this is the end… Well, for us, the story has ended some time ago already and all we had to do was to edit it and try to find the mistakes. It was funny for me to re-read this last part and without saying too much, I think fonulyn and I were craving for a bit drama (or a bit more) when we wrote it XD
Heh, now I only hope the end doesn't "destroy" the story and you still like it. If not, there's nothing I (we) can do about it now…
Have fun and thank you all for staying with us, for reading and for all your nice comments *bows*
fonulyn: Well, as already said, this story ended a while ago for us already, so I didn’t even remember what exactly happened in the last part. And it made me giggle as I read it through again, which isn’t necessarily a good thing xD We just had a drama-phase going on. Just make it through the beginning and the ending is going to be better, I promise x) And it’s not that bad now that we edited it :D
And thank you all for staying with us through this all. It’s been a pleasure^^
Previously happened: The walk of life, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8
The walk of life
Chapter 9: Every story needs an end
There was a comfortable silence between them, the only noises being their breathing or the quiet smacking whenever they were exchanging small or not so small kisses. "I'm glad that I came here," Kaoru finally said smiling, breaking the moment. "That I overcame my own stubbornness."
"I was fearing you wouldn't come and would just hate me forever." Die confessed, smiling relieved as he now had the other there and he knew the bond they shared hadn't died.
"I was fearing you'd tell me that everything we had was just in prison and that there's nothing that would make you stick with me in real life," the smaller man admitted and quickly stole another short kiss to ensure himself that this was really happening. He was still filled by the heat and bliss the recent experienced had caused, but the air in the room felt cool on his sweaty skin and so he pulled the blanket over both of them.
Die released a content sigh, hugging the other a bit tighter against himself. "I love you, did you know that?"
"I remember vaguely, that you told me." Smiling, Kaoru snuggled up to the other and closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the warmth and listening to Die's heartbeat.
"Be sure to know that." The redhead spoke softly, burying his face into the other's hair. "No matter what, it'll never change."
"Forever." Kaoru nodded to emphasize the seriousness with which he had said the word. That night, they made it up for the long time in which they had been apart. There were not many words exchanged as they both had found a way to communicate otherwise.
They showed all their need and love for each other in soft touches and shared kisses, simply getting lost in each other. The early morning sun was peeking into the room through a gap in the curtains, finding them still lying there, tangled together. They still weren't sleeping though, only silently looking each other in the eye with soft smiles dancing on their lips.
Although he feared the answer more than anything, there was something nagging Kaoru, something he needed to know. "Tell me, will it always be like this? I mean us meeting in dirty cheap hotels?" He practically held his breath, waiting for some kind of reaction, some kind of agreement.
The question hit where it hurt, and Die had to avert his gaze for a moment. "There's something I need to tell you." He didn't know how to say it, how could he be able to crush their dream of being together? But it needed to be done and he knew it. They just couldn’t go on like this in reality.
Panic rose in Kaoru and he put his hand under Die's chin, tilting his head to look him straight in the eyes. Kaoru's own eyes were huge, desperation already visible because he knew what those words meant. "Die, please..." he begged under his breath. There was no way that he could survive losing the other man again now that he had him.
"I love you, you must know that." The redhead was pleading with his eyes, asking for the other to understand. "And I can't risk that you'd be harmed because of me, because of what I do."
"No Die, don't do that." Kaoru shook his head frantically, not wanting to hear any of those words. A rush of mixed emotions coursed through him and ended up in something very close to anger. "You made me come here, tell me that you love me, spend this night with me and then you just leave again? Forever? No Die. It doesn't work this way. I can look after myself and I gladly take the risk."
Suddenly his voice changed, became more pleading. "We could keep it a secret. Find a way to meet covertly somewhere..." Desperation was taking over and a small sob escaped him on its own accord.
Quickly Die got into a half sitting position, pulling the other into his arms. "I would want to be able to share my life with you. But it doesn't work that way." He sounded as desperate as he was, and his heart was practically shattering into pieces since he would've just wanted to stay with the other. "I don't want to find you with a bullet shot between your eyes one day. I can't let you risk that much for me. Believe me, if there is a way, if I ever find a way, I will come to you and be with you for the rest of my life."
"I don't risk it for you. I risk it for both of us." The moment when Die pulled him into his arms, the first tears glimmered in Kaoru's eyes. "And how do you think it'd work? You think I wait all my life for you?" As bitter as it was, that was exactly what Kaoru would do if one asked him now. But he couldn't believe that the other man just assumed that he would.
"Of course not." It pained to say it, but it was the truth. If one asked Die he would say that the other man deserved a lot more than him. "I'm not expecting you to do anything for me. I just want what's best for you."
"Die..." Kaoru practically climbed on the other man's lap. "Die, I only want you. Call it pathetic, but I never met somebody like you. Never was this much in love and never willing to risk my life for another human being. Please, don't do this to me."
Desperately Die buried his face into the other's neck, trying to hold back the tears. "But I have no choice. I have to go back or they'll hunt me down. And that would be your death sentence too." He hugged the other tighter. "If only there was a way..."
"There's always a way if there's a will." Sounding almost angry, Kaoru interrupted, but knew that he was wrong. Being hunt down by a Yakuza clan would lead to torture and death sooner or later, but still he tried to deny it. "I just can't let you go like this. I can't."
"You have to!" Die withdrew a bit, to be able to look at the other from desperate eyes. "I'm not worth it. And I promise, I will find a way, but meanwhile you need to just go on with your life. One day I will make it happen, and then it's only up to you if you still want me or not."
The smaller man still shook his head. "You're worth much more than that. Die, I would've done everything for you in prison. I really mean everything and I don't just say it." The more he spoke, the more desperate Kaoru became, not caring if he was acting irrational, pathetic or childish. Finally, all his movements froze though and then he nodded. "I will wait for you."
Lovingly the redhead ran his fingers through the other's hair, looking straight at him. "Thank you." Hearing that Kaoru would wait for him made his heart fill with love again, but he didn't want him to sacrifice too much, something he might regret later. "But if you ever find someone else and want to forget about me, I understand." He felt he needed to add the last words.
"I could never forget about you. Remember? I promised." There was a faint smile on Kaoru's lips and he gave Die a chaste kiss. "But don't let me wait too long or you can pick me up in the lunatic asylum." Although he didn't feel like joking, he still tried, didn't want to make it too hard for both of them.
"I try to be quick." Die placed a soft kiss on the other's neck, even smiling a tiny bit at the words. It would be the best to try to keep up even a bit optimistic attitude. "We just need a bit patience." He looked up again, creating eye contact between them. "We lived through so much already, we can make this."
"But Die." Kaoru looked straight back at him. "I mean it. Don't let me wait too long or I might try something on my own." He knew himself way too good to just sit somewhere and wait for an absolution.
"No, Kaoru, don't." The redhead's eyes widened slightly and he shook his head. "Let me take care of it, please."
The black-haired man bit his lip and cast his eyes down. "Okay. I won't do anything." He gave in a bit too quickly though, and the other wasn’t really convinced.
"Promise me." Die knew that it would be hard on Kaoru not to do anything, and wanted to make sure he wouldn't endanger himself. And by making him promise he would ensure that, since he knew the other would keep his promises.
For a moment Kaoru closed his eyes to fight down the tears that rose again. When he looked up, there was utter sadness mixed with desperation clearly visible in his features. "Please don't make me promise it. I'm not sure if I can keep it."
"Promise me you won't do anything." Die insisted, his only goal to keep the person he loved safe.
Sighing, Kaoru nodded. "Okay, I promise. Cross my heart." To underline his sincerity, he drew a cross on his chest with his index finger.
"Thank you." Die smiled, almost relieved. He didn't want to force the other to anything, but saw no other option at that moment.
"When do you have to leave?" The question sounded calm, but inside Kaoru was trembling. He hoped that they would still have some moments to share. Although he knew it would be better if they just parted quickly, like ripping a plaster off skin. It hurts less when it was done fast. But this wasn't about a small abrasion, this was about their future.
"Around midday." The other answered honestly. "I have to be back in the evening."
"So we still have some time." The realization elicited a small smile on Kaoru's lips and he moved in even closer and wrapped his legs around Die. "We shouldn't waste a second," he whispered, ghosting his lips over the other's. Everything he did, he did consciously, imprinting the feeling, smell and taste of the other man in his memory.
Die mirrored the smile, before initiating a soft kiss. This was their way to say goodbye, as they didn't know when they would be able to meet again; if they would ever be able to meet again. Everything they did was without haste, because they wanted to make the most of the remaining time. But all too soon they needed to let go.
Kaoru suppressed the tears with all his might when he collected his clothes from the floor and finally got dressed. The worst thing was that neither of them knew how long they would be separated, not even if they would ever see each other again. It would've been easier if there had been a fixed date to which one could look forward to. Even if it were five years from now, it still would be better than this state of uncertainty.
The worst moment was when they both stood there completely dressed, ready to leave to their separate ways. Or not really ready inwardly, as they were practically breaking. A short moment of awkward silence fell upon them, since they simply had no idea how to say goodbye.
"Let's make it quick." Kaoru said and already opened the door only to close it again. "Fuck!" He turned around and threw himself into the other man's open arms. "I love you. Don't you ever forget that."
"I won't." Die hugged the other as tightly as he was able to, clinging on to the last moment. "And I love you too. Always."
Kaoru withdrew his head a bit and looked at the other. "I guess it's goodbye now. Take good care of you and don't get into any troubles."
"You take care of yourself too." The redhead smiled, pecking the other's lips one last time. "And have fun." He had to say the same thing he had said when they had parted in prison on the day the other man had gotten out.
"I will." Both knew that it was a lie, but neither of them commented on it. Finally, Kaoru let go and went through the door without looking back. He had ordered a taxi to get away from the hotel. It would've been too dangerous to be seen together with Die and so the redhead staid behind until Kaoru was gone.
It was hard on both of them, and the two hours Die spent in the hotel still, he spent only by lying on the bed where the other's scent was still lingering. Finally he got up though, and headed back to his job, determined to get rid of it somehow.
Sadly, things were against them and Die had no chance to drop out of the clan without endangering his own life. His boss had made more than clear that he wouldn't just let him go and furthermore, that he planned to promote him, make him his right hand.
Throughout the first days and weeks, Kaoru was only sitting in his apartment, waiting for a sign of his lover. Every time when his phone rang, when he heard the postman, he was hoping it could be Die who called him or sent him a note. He still kept alive by working jobs for different mob bosses, doing their books, keeping an eye on money transfers etc. Nothing major and nothing that would distract him enough from the feeling of emptiness that had spread inside him.
Without attracting attention, he kept himself informed about the doings of the clan Die was working for. When he heard about his promotion, it made his hopes sink and crushed his heart with fear. Jobs like that were dangerous and he knew very well that, once one had gained a position of trust beside the boss, it was practically impossible to get away somehow.
Months were passing in which Die had to do whatever he could to survive. He often asked himself how this has happened, because he hadn't even tried to get promoted, had only tried to do his job well enough so that his boss wouldn't just decide he would be more worth as a dead man.
Whenever he had some free time, he used it by trying to figure out how to get away, or got senselessly drunk to forget the pain inside. When he finally had figured out a plan, he still had to sort out the details and make it work somehow. It wasn't easy though, and with each passing week the situation grew a bit more hopeless, as the solution seemed to slip further the more he worked for it. He remembered the other's words though, 'When there's will, there's a way', and it made him try even harder.
Kaoru was seeking salvation in drinking alcohol as well. When he was lying on his bed, completely drunk and a cigarette in his hand, the pain was numbed so far that it didn't suffocate him. But soon, this effect faded and he became melancholy. More than once, he thought about killing himself because he felt he couldn't go on anymore with this pathetic life he was leading, took the barrel of his gun in his mouth. But always when he was ready to pull the trigger, he saw an image of the other man. It was like the remembrance of another life and reminded him that he would never find out if they'd ever have met again when he was dead. So he always stored the gun away, got up every morning to work or to just wander around aimlessly.
It took long, but finally the plan Die had worked out seemed to be waterproof, and he was willing to give it his best shot, although it would be dangerous. He still had the small notes Kaoru had sent him to jail, and he kept those safe and treasured, the only thing he had of the other. Only the thought of someday meeting again had made him survive this far.
It was half a year after they had seen each other when Kaoru accidentally found a small announcement in the newspaper's section where the dead people were listed. No big headlines, nothing fancy, only a small note that Daisuke Andou would be buried the next weekend.
All his hopes had been crushed within seconds when Kaoru read the obituary. First, he thought it was a macabre coincidence; somebody who had the same name just as his lover. But after making some phonecalls, he had to face the truth. Die was dead, killed in a car accident after a chase. He was so stunned that he couldn't even cry, didn't feel anything for his insides were frozen, his heart shattered to pieces.
It was certain that he would go to the funeral, wanted to make sure that it was really Die who lay in that casket, although it would definitely break him. Like moving in trance, he spent the days till the burial and without regarding the danger his appearance there could bring for him, he still went.
Dressed in black, wearing huge glasses and a hat, he stood a bit further from the grave. There weren't many people and the casket wasn't open. It was like in a dream when he watched the wooden box being delivered to the ground, covered under a thick layer of mud and dust. Only when the other people had already left, fleeing the scenery because it had begun to rain, he stepped closer and dropped to his knees, finally able to cry.
Again time passed, painfully slow, almost another six months. It had turned out that Die didn't have a will and therefore some distant relative had inherited all he had owned. He was replaced in the gang, just as if he had never been there in the first place. But almost exactly six months after the funeral there was a small note left in Kaoru's mailbox.
It was a note of somebody he didn't know personally. But the man mentioned the name of a common acquaintance and that Kaoru had been recommended as being a trustful person. He asked him for a job as a favor and offered a good wage. Kaoru welcomed this offer, because it meant that he had to leave this city for some time, leave the oppressing loneliness of his apartment and the memories everything here held.
If it had been up to him, he would just have given up, had just stopped existing. But he knew that Die wanted him to live, although he saw no sense in it without the other man. However, Kaoru packed a few things, took his car and followed the invitation. It took him some time to reach his destination, but finally, he stepped through the door of a small, smoky bar, looking out for the person who had sent the note.
A rather old man, with grey hair and worn out but still decent clothes stood up from a chair beside the counter. "Niikura?" He offered the other a handshake, along with a questioning glance.
"Yes." Kaoru nodded, took the hand and bowed slightly. Something in his counterpart was suspicious. He didn't seem to be of higher rank somewhere. Maybe he had misunderstood something and it was just a salesman who had problems fixing his books. "How can I help you?" Naturally, Kaoru sat down on a bar stool, waiting for an explanation.
"It's an easy job, but the payment mightn't be as much as you're used to." The man showed a grin, revealing that he missed at least a couple of teeth. "I have the books back in my room in the hotel nearby though. You have the guts to follow me there?"
The question alone sharpened Kaoru's senses and he was glad to have taken the gun with him. "Why shouldn't I?" he asked as casual as possible. However, he tried to scan their surrounding if others were watching them. "I will follow you with my car."
"Sure." The man shrugged. "You could offer me a ride though, not to make an old man walk."
Kaoru pondered for a moment. It wasn't exactly clever to take a suspicious stranger like that for a ride. But after taking another glance at him, he nodded. What difference would it make? He had nothing to lose anyways. "Okay. I suspect there's no time for a drink?" he asked though, lighting himself a cigarette.
"Not really." Already standing, the man was heading towards the door. "Better get there as soon as possible. Then you'll be on your way home sooner as well."
"Yeah, like I am in a rush to get back," Kaoru snorted, but made sure that the other man couldn't hear him. "The black Mustang," he said once they were outside, pointing at his car.
The man only nodded, and didn't say a word throughout the whole ride, only pointing at the directions. It turned out that the hotel was further away than promised, but otherwise there seemed to be nothing threatening in the old man. When they got to the hotel, he led Kaoru to the second floor, determinedly walking forward.
"May I ask what kind of business you do that requires my work?" Kaoru asked while trying to keep up. The old man took long strides, rushing down the corridors and making it hard for him to follow.
"All kinds of business." The answer came with a shrug. He stopped in front of one door, opening it with his key and holding it open for the other. "Just go through the bookkeeping."
Kaoru arched a suspicious eyebrow and looked at the other man. If he had cared more for his life, he hadn't followed him in the first place, but this was really weird and practically smelled like a trap. "You're not staying?"
"No." A headshake.
"The key." Kaoru stretched out his hand, still standing in front of the opened door.
He received the key immediately and without asking further questions, Kaoru stepped inside and closed the door. He had had several dubious clients before, but this one topped them all. Shaking his head about his own obvious stupidity, he advanced the large desk that stood on the right side of the small room, searching for the books.
There were no books on the table, but a sound of someone standing up was heard from the corner as soon as he walked into the room. "Kaoru?" The voice wasn't loud, but still clearly audible.
The black-haired man froze at the sound of the voice. He knew it all too well and still couldn't believe it. Seconds were passing, voiced by a huge clock on the wall. "Don't tell me you're a haunting ghost." He still didn't turn around, his limbs seemingly made of lead and glued to the ground.
"I'm not." The other didn't move, afraid to come closer not to make any too haste movements. "I'm flesh and blood as any other human being."
A few tears were running down Kaoru's cheeks. Everything simply came too unexpectedly. Just when he had been about to accept the fact that Die was dead, forever gone, he appeared out of nothingness. "So when I turn around, I will see you standing there and it's not only my imagination playing a trick on me?"
"Yes." The redhead smiled softly although the other couldn't see it. "I'm really here. And I won't be going away."
"Never?"
"Never."
With closed eyes, Kaoru finally turned around, very slowly. Only when he was facing the direction from where the voice came, he looked up. The sight of the other caused more tears, but he smiled coevally. "Oh God. You're real." Quickly, he closed the distance that separated them, touching the redhead's face with his fingers to make sure he wasn't dreaming.
Die wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. "It's been too long." He didn't know how to deal with the enormous wave of emotion inside of him, and just hugged the other, tears burning in his eyes.
"You really had me there, you know." Kaoru shook his head, his face buried in the other man's shoulder. "I thought you were dead." He was trembling violently, still afraid that this was only a trick his mind played on him.
"Everyone was supposed to think so." The redhead couldn't help but to smile, simply happy that they were there near each other again. "So I guess it worked."
"I would slap you now if I weren't so happy." In a sudden movement, Kaoru withdrew his head and pressed his lips on the other's in a desperate kiss. After they parted, he smiled. "And I've been fucking waiting for you all the time."
"I figured this would be the only way to make it." Die couldn't stop smiling, and pecked the other's lips several times. "The only thing though is that I can't go back, so we'll have to move, somewhere far preferably."
"All I have is a pocket full of identity, my car and clean underwear for three days." Kaoru grinned, constantly touching the other's face or running his hands through his hair.
"Will you run away with me?" The redhead mirrored the grin, looking the other deep in the eye and drinking in the sight of him.
"Yes." Kaoru nodded, unable to look somewhere else but in his lover's eyes. "Let's go."
"I love you." Die had no other words left, and he just pulled the other closer and sealed his lips with a kiss.
***
End notes: The beginning made both of us just giggle, especially before we edited it. It’s like from The Bold and the Beautiful xD Soap-operish and a huge drama. But it’s better now than it was in the first version, and the chap gets better towards the end, right? :D Anyways, thank you for reading it through, and apologies for getting overly dramatic in the end^^
Author:
seinen_no and fonulynRating: NC17
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments:
seinen_no: Oh my, this is the end… Well, for us, the story has ended some time ago already and all we had to do was to edit it and try to find the mistakes. It was funny for me to re-read this last part and without saying too much, I think fonulyn and I were craving for a bit drama (or a bit more) when we wrote it XD Heh, now I only hope the end doesn't "destroy" the story and you still like it. If not, there's nothing I (we) can do about it now…
Have fun and thank you all for staying with us, for reading and for all your nice comments *bows*
fonulyn: Well, as already said, this story ended a while ago for us already, so I didn’t even remember what exactly happened in the last part. And it made me giggle as I read it through again, which isn’t necessarily a good thing xD We just had a drama-phase going on. Just make it through the beginning and the ending is going to be better, I promise x) And it’s not that bad now that we edited it :DAnd thank you all for staying with us through this all. It’s been a pleasure^^
Previously happened: The walk of life, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8
Chapter 9: Every story needs an end
There was a comfortable silence between them, the only noises being their breathing or the quiet smacking whenever they were exchanging small or not so small kisses. "I'm glad that I came here," Kaoru finally said smiling, breaking the moment. "That I overcame my own stubbornness."
"I was fearing you wouldn't come and would just hate me forever." Die confessed, smiling relieved as he now had the other there and he knew the bond they shared hadn't died.
"I was fearing you'd tell me that everything we had was just in prison and that there's nothing that would make you stick with me in real life," the smaller man admitted and quickly stole another short kiss to ensure himself that this was really happening. He was still filled by the heat and bliss the recent experienced had caused, but the air in the room felt cool on his sweaty skin and so he pulled the blanket over both of them.
Die released a content sigh, hugging the other a bit tighter against himself. "I love you, did you know that?"
"I remember vaguely, that you told me." Smiling, Kaoru snuggled up to the other and closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the warmth and listening to Die's heartbeat.
"Be sure to know that." The redhead spoke softly, burying his face into the other's hair. "No matter what, it'll never change."
"Forever." Kaoru nodded to emphasize the seriousness with which he had said the word. That night, they made it up for the long time in which they had been apart. There were not many words exchanged as they both had found a way to communicate otherwise.
They showed all their need and love for each other in soft touches and shared kisses, simply getting lost in each other. The early morning sun was peeking into the room through a gap in the curtains, finding them still lying there, tangled together. They still weren't sleeping though, only silently looking each other in the eye with soft smiles dancing on their lips.
Although he feared the answer more than anything, there was something nagging Kaoru, something he needed to know. "Tell me, will it always be like this? I mean us meeting in dirty cheap hotels?" He practically held his breath, waiting for some kind of reaction, some kind of agreement.
The question hit where it hurt, and Die had to avert his gaze for a moment. "There's something I need to tell you." He didn't know how to say it, how could he be able to crush their dream of being together? But it needed to be done and he knew it. They just couldn’t go on like this in reality.
Panic rose in Kaoru and he put his hand under Die's chin, tilting his head to look him straight in the eyes. Kaoru's own eyes were huge, desperation already visible because he knew what those words meant. "Die, please..." he begged under his breath. There was no way that he could survive losing the other man again now that he had him.
"I love you, you must know that." The redhead was pleading with his eyes, asking for the other to understand. "And I can't risk that you'd be harmed because of me, because of what I do."
"No Die, don't do that." Kaoru shook his head frantically, not wanting to hear any of those words. A rush of mixed emotions coursed through him and ended up in something very close to anger. "You made me come here, tell me that you love me, spend this night with me and then you just leave again? Forever? No Die. It doesn't work this way. I can look after myself and I gladly take the risk."
Suddenly his voice changed, became more pleading. "We could keep it a secret. Find a way to meet covertly somewhere..." Desperation was taking over and a small sob escaped him on its own accord.
Quickly Die got into a half sitting position, pulling the other into his arms. "I would want to be able to share my life with you. But it doesn't work that way." He sounded as desperate as he was, and his heart was practically shattering into pieces since he would've just wanted to stay with the other. "I don't want to find you with a bullet shot between your eyes one day. I can't let you risk that much for me. Believe me, if there is a way, if I ever find a way, I will come to you and be with you for the rest of my life."
"I don't risk it for you. I risk it for both of us." The moment when Die pulled him into his arms, the first tears glimmered in Kaoru's eyes. "And how do you think it'd work? You think I wait all my life for you?" As bitter as it was, that was exactly what Kaoru would do if one asked him now. But he couldn't believe that the other man just assumed that he would.
"Of course not." It pained to say it, but it was the truth. If one asked Die he would say that the other man deserved a lot more than him. "I'm not expecting you to do anything for me. I just want what's best for you."
"Die..." Kaoru practically climbed on the other man's lap. "Die, I only want you. Call it pathetic, but I never met somebody like you. Never was this much in love and never willing to risk my life for another human being. Please, don't do this to me."
Desperately Die buried his face into the other's neck, trying to hold back the tears. "But I have no choice. I have to go back or they'll hunt me down. And that would be your death sentence too." He hugged the other tighter. "If only there was a way..."
"There's always a way if there's a will." Sounding almost angry, Kaoru interrupted, but knew that he was wrong. Being hunt down by a Yakuza clan would lead to torture and death sooner or later, but still he tried to deny it. "I just can't let you go like this. I can't."
"You have to!" Die withdrew a bit, to be able to look at the other from desperate eyes. "I'm not worth it. And I promise, I will find a way, but meanwhile you need to just go on with your life. One day I will make it happen, and then it's only up to you if you still want me or not."
The smaller man still shook his head. "You're worth much more than that. Die, I would've done everything for you in prison. I really mean everything and I don't just say it." The more he spoke, the more desperate Kaoru became, not caring if he was acting irrational, pathetic or childish. Finally, all his movements froze though and then he nodded. "I will wait for you."
Lovingly the redhead ran his fingers through the other's hair, looking straight at him. "Thank you." Hearing that Kaoru would wait for him made his heart fill with love again, but he didn't want him to sacrifice too much, something he might regret later. "But if you ever find someone else and want to forget about me, I understand." He felt he needed to add the last words.
"I could never forget about you. Remember? I promised." There was a faint smile on Kaoru's lips and he gave Die a chaste kiss. "But don't let me wait too long or you can pick me up in the lunatic asylum." Although he didn't feel like joking, he still tried, didn't want to make it too hard for both of them.
"I try to be quick." Die placed a soft kiss on the other's neck, even smiling a tiny bit at the words. It would be the best to try to keep up even a bit optimistic attitude. "We just need a bit patience." He looked up again, creating eye contact between them. "We lived through so much already, we can make this."
"But Die." Kaoru looked straight back at him. "I mean it. Don't let me wait too long or I might try something on my own." He knew himself way too good to just sit somewhere and wait for an absolution.
"No, Kaoru, don't." The redhead's eyes widened slightly and he shook his head. "Let me take care of it, please."
The black-haired man bit his lip and cast his eyes down. "Okay. I won't do anything." He gave in a bit too quickly though, and the other wasn’t really convinced.
"Promise me." Die knew that it would be hard on Kaoru not to do anything, and wanted to make sure he wouldn't endanger himself. And by making him promise he would ensure that, since he knew the other would keep his promises.
For a moment Kaoru closed his eyes to fight down the tears that rose again. When he looked up, there was utter sadness mixed with desperation clearly visible in his features. "Please don't make me promise it. I'm not sure if I can keep it."
"Promise me you won't do anything." Die insisted, his only goal to keep the person he loved safe.
Sighing, Kaoru nodded. "Okay, I promise. Cross my heart." To underline his sincerity, he drew a cross on his chest with his index finger.
"Thank you." Die smiled, almost relieved. He didn't want to force the other to anything, but saw no other option at that moment.
"When do you have to leave?" The question sounded calm, but inside Kaoru was trembling. He hoped that they would still have some moments to share. Although he knew it would be better if they just parted quickly, like ripping a plaster off skin. It hurts less when it was done fast. But this wasn't about a small abrasion, this was about their future.
"Around midday." The other answered honestly. "I have to be back in the evening."
"So we still have some time." The realization elicited a small smile on Kaoru's lips and he moved in even closer and wrapped his legs around Die. "We shouldn't waste a second," he whispered, ghosting his lips over the other's. Everything he did, he did consciously, imprinting the feeling, smell and taste of the other man in his memory.
Die mirrored the smile, before initiating a soft kiss. This was their way to say goodbye, as they didn't know when they would be able to meet again; if they would ever be able to meet again. Everything they did was without haste, because they wanted to make the most of the remaining time. But all too soon they needed to let go.
Kaoru suppressed the tears with all his might when he collected his clothes from the floor and finally got dressed. The worst thing was that neither of them knew how long they would be separated, not even if they would ever see each other again. It would've been easier if there had been a fixed date to which one could look forward to. Even if it were five years from now, it still would be better than this state of uncertainty.
The worst moment was when they both stood there completely dressed, ready to leave to their separate ways. Or not really ready inwardly, as they were practically breaking. A short moment of awkward silence fell upon them, since they simply had no idea how to say goodbye.
"Let's make it quick." Kaoru said and already opened the door only to close it again. "Fuck!" He turned around and threw himself into the other man's open arms. "I love you. Don't you ever forget that."
"I won't." Die hugged the other as tightly as he was able to, clinging on to the last moment. "And I love you too. Always."
Kaoru withdrew his head a bit and looked at the other. "I guess it's goodbye now. Take good care of you and don't get into any troubles."
"You take care of yourself too." The redhead smiled, pecking the other's lips one last time. "And have fun." He had to say the same thing he had said when they had parted in prison on the day the other man had gotten out.
"I will." Both knew that it was a lie, but neither of them commented on it. Finally, Kaoru let go and went through the door without looking back. He had ordered a taxi to get away from the hotel. It would've been too dangerous to be seen together with Die and so the redhead staid behind until Kaoru was gone.
It was hard on both of them, and the two hours Die spent in the hotel still, he spent only by lying on the bed where the other's scent was still lingering. Finally he got up though, and headed back to his job, determined to get rid of it somehow.
Sadly, things were against them and Die had no chance to drop out of the clan without endangering his own life. His boss had made more than clear that he wouldn't just let him go and furthermore, that he planned to promote him, make him his right hand.
Throughout the first days and weeks, Kaoru was only sitting in his apartment, waiting for a sign of his lover. Every time when his phone rang, when he heard the postman, he was hoping it could be Die who called him or sent him a note. He still kept alive by working jobs for different mob bosses, doing their books, keeping an eye on money transfers etc. Nothing major and nothing that would distract him enough from the feeling of emptiness that had spread inside him.
Without attracting attention, he kept himself informed about the doings of the clan Die was working for. When he heard about his promotion, it made his hopes sink and crushed his heart with fear. Jobs like that were dangerous and he knew very well that, once one had gained a position of trust beside the boss, it was practically impossible to get away somehow.
Months were passing in which Die had to do whatever he could to survive. He often asked himself how this has happened, because he hadn't even tried to get promoted, had only tried to do his job well enough so that his boss wouldn't just decide he would be more worth as a dead man.
Whenever he had some free time, he used it by trying to figure out how to get away, or got senselessly drunk to forget the pain inside. When he finally had figured out a plan, he still had to sort out the details and make it work somehow. It wasn't easy though, and with each passing week the situation grew a bit more hopeless, as the solution seemed to slip further the more he worked for it. He remembered the other's words though, 'When there's will, there's a way', and it made him try even harder.
Kaoru was seeking salvation in drinking alcohol as well. When he was lying on his bed, completely drunk and a cigarette in his hand, the pain was numbed so far that it didn't suffocate him. But soon, this effect faded and he became melancholy. More than once, he thought about killing himself because he felt he couldn't go on anymore with this pathetic life he was leading, took the barrel of his gun in his mouth. But always when he was ready to pull the trigger, he saw an image of the other man. It was like the remembrance of another life and reminded him that he would never find out if they'd ever have met again when he was dead. So he always stored the gun away, got up every morning to work or to just wander around aimlessly.
It took long, but finally the plan Die had worked out seemed to be waterproof, and he was willing to give it his best shot, although it would be dangerous. He still had the small notes Kaoru had sent him to jail, and he kept those safe and treasured, the only thing he had of the other. Only the thought of someday meeting again had made him survive this far.
It was half a year after they had seen each other when Kaoru accidentally found a small announcement in the newspaper's section where the dead people were listed. No big headlines, nothing fancy, only a small note that Daisuke Andou would be buried the next weekend.
All his hopes had been crushed within seconds when Kaoru read the obituary. First, he thought it was a macabre coincidence; somebody who had the same name just as his lover. But after making some phonecalls, he had to face the truth. Die was dead, killed in a car accident after a chase. He was so stunned that he couldn't even cry, didn't feel anything for his insides were frozen, his heart shattered to pieces.
It was certain that he would go to the funeral, wanted to make sure that it was really Die who lay in that casket, although it would definitely break him. Like moving in trance, he spent the days till the burial and without regarding the danger his appearance there could bring for him, he still went.
Dressed in black, wearing huge glasses and a hat, he stood a bit further from the grave. There weren't many people and the casket wasn't open. It was like in a dream when he watched the wooden box being delivered to the ground, covered under a thick layer of mud and dust. Only when the other people had already left, fleeing the scenery because it had begun to rain, he stepped closer and dropped to his knees, finally able to cry.
Again time passed, painfully slow, almost another six months. It had turned out that Die didn't have a will and therefore some distant relative had inherited all he had owned. He was replaced in the gang, just as if he had never been there in the first place. But almost exactly six months after the funeral there was a small note left in Kaoru's mailbox.
It was a note of somebody he didn't know personally. But the man mentioned the name of a common acquaintance and that Kaoru had been recommended as being a trustful person. He asked him for a job as a favor and offered a good wage. Kaoru welcomed this offer, because it meant that he had to leave this city for some time, leave the oppressing loneliness of his apartment and the memories everything here held.
If it had been up to him, he would just have given up, had just stopped existing. But he knew that Die wanted him to live, although he saw no sense in it without the other man. However, Kaoru packed a few things, took his car and followed the invitation. It took him some time to reach his destination, but finally, he stepped through the door of a small, smoky bar, looking out for the person who had sent the note.
A rather old man, with grey hair and worn out but still decent clothes stood up from a chair beside the counter. "Niikura?" He offered the other a handshake, along with a questioning glance.
"Yes." Kaoru nodded, took the hand and bowed slightly. Something in his counterpart was suspicious. He didn't seem to be of higher rank somewhere. Maybe he had misunderstood something and it was just a salesman who had problems fixing his books. "How can I help you?" Naturally, Kaoru sat down on a bar stool, waiting for an explanation.
"It's an easy job, but the payment mightn't be as much as you're used to." The man showed a grin, revealing that he missed at least a couple of teeth. "I have the books back in my room in the hotel nearby though. You have the guts to follow me there?"
The question alone sharpened Kaoru's senses and he was glad to have taken the gun with him. "Why shouldn't I?" he asked as casual as possible. However, he tried to scan their surrounding if others were watching them. "I will follow you with my car."
"Sure." The man shrugged. "You could offer me a ride though, not to make an old man walk."
Kaoru pondered for a moment. It wasn't exactly clever to take a suspicious stranger like that for a ride. But after taking another glance at him, he nodded. What difference would it make? He had nothing to lose anyways. "Okay. I suspect there's no time for a drink?" he asked though, lighting himself a cigarette.
"Not really." Already standing, the man was heading towards the door. "Better get there as soon as possible. Then you'll be on your way home sooner as well."
"Yeah, like I am in a rush to get back," Kaoru snorted, but made sure that the other man couldn't hear him. "The black Mustang," he said once they were outside, pointing at his car.
The man only nodded, and didn't say a word throughout the whole ride, only pointing at the directions. It turned out that the hotel was further away than promised, but otherwise there seemed to be nothing threatening in the old man. When they got to the hotel, he led Kaoru to the second floor, determinedly walking forward.
"May I ask what kind of business you do that requires my work?" Kaoru asked while trying to keep up. The old man took long strides, rushing down the corridors and making it hard for him to follow.
"All kinds of business." The answer came with a shrug. He stopped in front of one door, opening it with his key and holding it open for the other. "Just go through the bookkeeping."
Kaoru arched a suspicious eyebrow and looked at the other man. If he had cared more for his life, he hadn't followed him in the first place, but this was really weird and practically smelled like a trap. "You're not staying?"
"No." A headshake.
"The key." Kaoru stretched out his hand, still standing in front of the opened door.
He received the key immediately and without asking further questions, Kaoru stepped inside and closed the door. He had had several dubious clients before, but this one topped them all. Shaking his head about his own obvious stupidity, he advanced the large desk that stood on the right side of the small room, searching for the books.
There were no books on the table, but a sound of someone standing up was heard from the corner as soon as he walked into the room. "Kaoru?" The voice wasn't loud, but still clearly audible.
The black-haired man froze at the sound of the voice. He knew it all too well and still couldn't believe it. Seconds were passing, voiced by a huge clock on the wall. "Don't tell me you're a haunting ghost." He still didn't turn around, his limbs seemingly made of lead and glued to the ground.
"I'm not." The other didn't move, afraid to come closer not to make any too haste movements. "I'm flesh and blood as any other human being."
A few tears were running down Kaoru's cheeks. Everything simply came too unexpectedly. Just when he had been about to accept the fact that Die was dead, forever gone, he appeared out of nothingness. "So when I turn around, I will see you standing there and it's not only my imagination playing a trick on me?"
"Yes." The redhead smiled softly although the other couldn't see it. "I'm really here. And I won't be going away."
"Never?"
"Never."
With closed eyes, Kaoru finally turned around, very slowly. Only when he was facing the direction from where the voice came, he looked up. The sight of the other caused more tears, but he smiled coevally. "Oh God. You're real." Quickly, he closed the distance that separated them, touching the redhead's face with his fingers to make sure he wasn't dreaming.
Die wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. "It's been too long." He didn't know how to deal with the enormous wave of emotion inside of him, and just hugged the other, tears burning in his eyes.
"You really had me there, you know." Kaoru shook his head, his face buried in the other man's shoulder. "I thought you were dead." He was trembling violently, still afraid that this was only a trick his mind played on him.
"Everyone was supposed to think so." The redhead couldn't help but to smile, simply happy that they were there near each other again. "So I guess it worked."
"I would slap you now if I weren't so happy." In a sudden movement, Kaoru withdrew his head and pressed his lips on the other's in a desperate kiss. After they parted, he smiled. "And I've been fucking waiting for you all the time."
"I figured this would be the only way to make it." Die couldn't stop smiling, and pecked the other's lips several times. "The only thing though is that I can't go back, so we'll have to move, somewhere far preferably."
"All I have is a pocket full of identity, my car and clean underwear for three days." Kaoru grinned, constantly touching the other's face or running his hands through his hair.
"Will you run away with me?" The redhead mirrored the grin, looking the other deep in the eye and drinking in the sight of him.
"Yes." Kaoru nodded, unable to look somewhere else but in his lover's eyes. "Let's go."
"I love you." Die had no other words left, and he just pulled the other closer and sealed his lips with a kiss.
***
End notes: The beginning made both of us just giggle, especially before we edited it. It’s like from The Bold and the Beautiful xD Soap-operish and a huge drama. But it’s better now than it was in the first version, and the chap gets better towards the end, right? :D Anyways, thank you for reading it through, and apologies for getting overly dramatic in the end^^