rabenhorst (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:14 pm
rabenhorst) wrote2007-05-31 11:14 pm
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Title: The walk of life; Chapter 7: All the way and still not far enough
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seinen_no and fonulyn
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments:
seinen_no: Hmm, what to say without giving away too much? Nothing, I guess. Only that we're sorry that it took longer this time, but we both were busy. So enjoy and have fun reading^^
fonulyn: baabaaba… okays, so this chapter takes us through a long period of time, so I hope you don’t feel that it’s too rushed or anything. Hm, and the story is nearing the end, but I can promise that at least a couple of chapters is still going to follow^^
well, I don’t know what to say either really, so I’m going to use the privilege given to me and advertise xD So if any of you is interested, you can find everything I’ve written alone or withseinen_no here [scroll down to see the ones we wrote together, seinen_no and I].
Previously happened:
The walk of life, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6
The walk of life
Chapter 7: All the way and still not far enough
They both stirred when the cell opened, indicating that the usual morning shower was waiting for them. The situation was odd when Die opened his eyes, gazing directly at Kaoru whose face was still so close to his own. A bit embarrassed, they let go off each other and quickly got up, collecting their clothes.
Things returned to normal between them, as neither of them ever mentioned that night afterwards. It was something that scared them; too much for them to handle and they went back to the comforting routines. But inside of them something had indeed changed, although they didn't want to admit it to themselves. And the only thing that showed it was short moments when either of them watched the other with a certain look in the eyes, thinking it wouldn't be noticed.
The assaults became less after they were back together, displaying the same kind of unity they had shown before. Again, they hushed about the experiences they had had while the other had been away and Die didn't drop a word about Yamada's visits. Although everyday was routine the deep friendship they were sharing made everything easier and time went by quickly.
Time passed, and for some reason it began to make Die nervous at one point. He didn't want to know it, didn't want to admit it to himself, but the day of Kaoru's freedom came closer and closer. Even more than the thought of being left at the mercy of the attacks alone, he was pained by the thought of losing him. Since although he didn't want to admit it to himself, his friend had become the only thing that kept him going in there, believing that everything would turn out fine eventually.
Although he was supposed to look forward to his release, there was no happiness inside Kaoru about it. Sure, he would be free to go wherever he wanted finally, even to visit the brothel as he had predicted to his friend. Fact was, that he didn't want to go anywhere without Die and that he feared for the other's safety once left without his protection. What he still couldn't admit because he hadn't processed it thus far was, that he would miss the other. More than someone missed a good friend. He would miss him corporally and his heart felt cold at the mere thought of it.
Carefully the redhead avoided mentioning it though, and even denied that the other would be walking free soon. So he had no idea that the release date was closing, a month away, three weeks, two weeks and finally only one week away. He simply clung to the routines, banishing the thought of being left alone from his mind.
They were spending each free minute together, pushing away the thought of parting by playing cards or occupying themselves otherwise. There were always times during a day when they managed to forget about it, when they had fun just sitting together and talking nonsense, both carefully avoiding to address Kaoru's release. In silent stipulation, they clung to each other desperately, providing one another with pleasure every night without admitting their true feelings.
It was getting harder though, as now the feelings were growing although they tried to suppress them somehow. Often, Die just had to turn his face away, not to stare at the other too long too affectionately. The sometimes occurring short moments of uncomfortable silence when the situation seemed to be just too intense were just shrugged off, and they carefully staid within the old patterns.
As the last days of Kaoru's stay passed, it came more and more clear to him what he felt for the other man and that awareness shook his whole foundation. Outwardly, nothing changed though but inwardly he grew more and more desperate because he thought he wouldn't survive outside without the other man.
It was his second last night, Die's perfect mouth around his hardness providing pleasure that had passed the bearable longest, when Kaoru remembered the sweet kisses they had shared after the other had come back from solitude. The images along with the feelings he had gone through then were adding up, made him writhe and squirm and pushed him over the edge so unexpectedly that he didn't have the time to warn the other.
Somehow that moment made something inside of Die's head snap. Suddenly, he only saw Yamada in his mind and all the shit he had forced him to go through. It wasn't like he would've really minded Kaoru coming in his mouth although they had agreed not to do it, but at that moment it only reminded him of all the shame and suffering.
Being aroused himself he acted on instinct and kicked his own clothes off, before pressing his body against the other man's, guiding his hand to his butt to push a finger inside. Somehow it was like all the mixed up feelings inside of him were united by the first wave of anger.
Kaoru gasped, honestly shocked, and gripped Die's shoulders, weakly trying to push him away. The other man's quick action had surprised and stunned him, but now he shook his head. "Die no. Please don't." He had thought about this moment for a long time already. Had inwardly made up his mind to give himself to his friend in his last night there. Everything under the pretence to keep his promise of giving Die something to remember because a simple
blowjob wouldn't do anymore. But now, when he felt the other's finger inside him, he stiffened, still shaking his head.
"Relax" The redhead whispered, moving another finger in and scissoring them somewhat. "It won't hurt if you relax." Although he had made the final decision in the rush of anger and adrenalin, he had thought about this for some time now, not really admitting it to himself though. But he wanted the other, needed him, and the knowledge that he'd soon be leaving just caused the burning need to grow stronger.
Those words didn't have the anticipated effect, as Kaoru still was tense. He couldn't believe that Die just went on although he had told him to stop. In contradiction to his initial plea though, he even parted his legs slightly, made more room for the other man. It wasn't that he didn't want it, he just didn't want it like that. And he was angry at Die; angry for ruining his perfect gift; angry for ignoring him and he was even more angry when the other struck something inside him that made him see stars and caused a flash of pleasure that resulted in a hoarse moan.
Die nibbled the other's neck, knowing that it would be easier on him if he was stretched properly. So he took his time, ignoring the ache in his own groin. At that moment it struck him more forcefully than he thought it ever would; that he felt something stronger for the other man, something that was way beyond friendship. But he shrugged the thought off, forcing it to the back of his mind where it could still be ignored.
Kaoru still tried to resist, wanted Die to see that he didn't approve. It was all in vain though for he was reacting too easily to everything the other did. His chest was already heaving, adrenalin making him more sensitive than usually. Soon, he found himself pushing back against the digits inside him, wanting to feel the immense pleasure again. His hands slowly roamed from the other's shoulders up to his neck and, taking a strong hold of his head, Kaoru crushed his mouth on Die's in a bruising kiss.
Somewhere in the midst of the kiss the redhead retreated his fingers, replacing them by his arousal. Trying to distract the other, he kept the kiss going and slowly moved his hips forward, invading the other's body. The adjusting muscles around him made his consciousness almost explode, but he held back not to hurt the other by moving too fast or too rough.
The pain that shot from the lower part of his body along the nerve tracks of his spine caused Kaoru to break the kiss and close his eyes tightly. He would've never imagined it to be this painful and although Die had stopped his movements, he felt like being torn apart. A few tears were rolling down his cheeks but after some seconds, the pain became bearable and he didn't feel like dying anymore. Again, he pressed his lips on the other's, pulling his hair to tilt his head.
Die kissed the other back, staying still for several moments. He really didn't want to hurt the other, not in any ways. Now he regretted that he had started this in a fit of anger, but it didn't take away the fact that he had yearned for the smaller man for long now, and that he still wanted this all too badly. After he felt that the other had relaxed even somewhat he tentatively pulled back a bit, trying to be gentle.
The first movements still caused a burning pain in the lower part of his body, but soon, pleasure was mixing with it and Kaoru lifted his hips, trying to meet the other's gentle thrusts half way. The ultimate closeness of feeling Die inside him, of being filled by him, caused his senses to go into overdrive and made him want more.
They developed a common rhythm, moving against each other, both needing more of it. Almost desperately the redhead kissed the other man again and again, while the force and pace of their movements were increasing steadily.
As the thrusts grew harder, Die almost always struck that certain spot inside Kaoru that made him moan and groan without having control over it. If he had been at his senses, he would've hit the other man for causing so much pleasure, for putting him up to the most divine sensations he had ever experienced. But at that moment, Kaoru could only quietly beg for more, ask him to move quicker and deeper.
After what felt like an eternity Die felt himself nearing the peak, almost unable to take any more. He moved his hand between them to the other's arousal, lacing his fingers around the hard flesh to provide him with more pleasure.
The touch took Kaoru by surprise and made him gasp. He didn't know whether to still meet the thrusts or to arch up into the touch that sent sugary laces of pleasure though his entire being. He was panting and sweat was beading on both their skins when his body reached its limits. He arched up, releasing one final moan, before the bliss blurred his vision, flooding his consciousness as he came hard between himself and the other man.
At the very same moment his muscles were clenching around the redhead's hardness, causing him to almost scream as the increasing tightness pushed him over the edge. His whole being tensed forcefully, bliss flooding through him as he released himself with one last loud groan.
Somehow, feeling Die coming inside him only added up to the bliss Kaoru felt, although it was causing a slight burning pain. For several moments, they staid like this, clinging to each other while sharing the pleasure they had just experienced.
Only when Kaoru's respiration had slightly normalized, his brain resuming its work, the initial anger was seeping back into his mind. Firmly, he pushed Die off him and, ignoring the pain in his lower back the movement caused, jumped up. "Die, you fucking asshole! How could you...?"
Die startled at first, shaking his head a bit before he got his mind to work. The anger in the other's voice made him flinch, and the first thought was an enormous fear that he had screwed up and ruined everything. Another almost as strong feeling was anger though, for some reason he wasn't even that sure of. "What do you mean how could I? Don't try to tell me you didn't like it."
"That's not the point," Kaoru argued, his voice low but clearly showing his anger. "The point is that you did it without my permission. We had a deal, remember?"
He wasn't really mad at Die for going this far, but part of him still felt the need to deny his feelings. Besides, he couldn't allow the redhead just to take him when he felt like it. If Kaoru had enjoyed it or not.
"I remember, you don't have to remind me of it." The redhead spoke through clenched teeth, trying to control himself. "We also had a deal of not coming into each other's mouth."
"Don't you think that this is slightly different? I mean fucking somebody's ass for swallowing a bit of cum?" Kaoru couldn't understand why Die made such a fuzz about that. Sure, it had been their deal, but if he had given him the time, he would have explained and apologized for it.
"Might be." Again Die saw Yamada in his mind, and that alone made him feel sick and he had to close his eyes and shake his head to get rid of the image. "But after all the cum I've swallowed for you, I don't think you should make this big of a fuzz about that."
"What?" Kaoru thought he had heard wrong and now took a step towards the other man to see him better in the darkness. He sensed that there was more to that comment and it caused his heartbeat to speed up again. "Could you please enlighten me when you have swallowed my cum before?" His voice had become a tad bit softer, though still angry, and he had put his question like that deliberately, not really wanting to hear the truth.
"I didn't say it was your cum." The redhead turned away, suddenly hoping he wouldn't have said anything.
Kaoru bit his lip and grabbed the other's arm, gently forcing him to face him again. For a moment, he only looked him in the eyes silently and then lifted his hand, cupping his cheek. "Tell me." It was a quiet demand, not allowing him to back off.
"Forget it." Die turned away again, biting his lip. "Just forget it."
"No Die!" Kaoru shook his head and pulled the redhead back, almost into his arms. "If something has happened that made you just fuck me because I came in your mouth, I have the right to know everything about it." The smaller man feared the answer though and the mere thought that somebody has done this to the redhead caused cold-blooded anger to rise in him.
"He told me he'd hurt you, that he'd come and fuck you if I didn't do as he said." Die's voice was a broken whisper, and he had to swallow hard to steady it even somewhat. He had hung his head, refusing to meet the other's gaze because he again felt dirty and used.
"Yamada." Kaoru whispered. As the awareness struck him, he felt like killing that man slowly and painfully. He would take delight in doing it himself, first playing with him, torturing and humiliating him until he begged to be put out of his misery.
Outwardly though, he didn't show how much the confession affected him although he felt like crying or going on a rampage. Gently, he caught Die's chin with his thumb and index finger, forcing him to look up again. "And you did that just for me?"
Die nodded shakily, a small sob escaping him although he had tried to hold it back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to just fuck you like that. It just... I just remembered the way he made me always swallow, and I lost it." What he didn't mention was that the reason which had really made him go through with it had been the strong feelings he had developed for the other man the fact that he had simply wanted the other too badly.
"Shht, it's okay." Kaoru pulled him into his arms, soothingly caressing his back. So that was the reason why Die had been so broken and hollow when he had come back from solitude. The smaller man fought hard to control the shaking of his body not to give away how much Die's misery pained him. "How often?" he asked after a few moments, simply needing to know it.
"Often." The answer was vague at first, as Die thought the other didn't need to know the details. He knew how often of course, since each time had burned into his memory like a scar he never would get rid of completely.
Although it gave away too much of his true feelings for the redhead, Kaoru stretched his neck and kissed him; fully, gently, like lovers did. After pulling back, he again asked. "How often?"
"Eleven times." The redhead tried to concentrate on the memory of the kiss to force away the nausea the past experiences still brought upon him.
Kaoru succeeded quite well in hiding the rising lust to kill which the answer evoked, only a small gasp giving away his scornfulness for Yamada. And there was something else mixing with the hate he felt towards the warden, pure and utter love and gratefulness for Die who had gone through such terror just to spare him.
In his mind, there were only two options now. He could either confess that he felt much
more than friendship or try to play his feelings down. Not completely sure about the reasons why Die had done this, if it was friendship or more, he decided for the latter.
"Thank you." Kaoru's voice was thick with emotions, but he smiled suddenly. "That kinda gave you the right to fuck me. But it changes the deal and you owe me one now." He felt bad for turning things like that but thought both of them would be better off trying to go on as usual. At least for his last day in prison. But now, all he wanted was to hold the other man, to give him all the comfort and closeness he had to offer as long as Die wanted it.
Die swallowed, forcing a smile to his lips. "Okay, that's a deal." He didn't know if he was more relieved or disappointed though. He was utterly thankful since the other wasn't mad at him and didn't push him away. But on the other hand, he had somehow wished for something else, not really sure what.
He didn't have the time to think about those though, since he still wasn't able to shrug off Yamada's dirty grin from his mind, his expression of pure delight in the other's fear.
They returned to Die's bunk, Kaoru cradling him in his arms, tenderly kissing his forehead, his nose or his lips from time to time, gently running his fingers through his hair. He had to lock away the hatred inside him to be able to just focus on the other man, trying to imprint everything in him in his memory for the time when he was out again.
Kaoru feared the time, feared that he could slowly forget how he felt at that very moment while he watched the man in his arms fall asleep. Only when his respiration had been regular for a long time already, he again kissed his lips, whispering a faint "I love you".
Even in his sleep Die was holding on to the other, seeking for comfort and safety for those few last moments he was able to get those. This was their second last night before Kaoru would be released, and he just didn't want to think further than that.
The last complete day went by normally, just like any other day, neither of them talking about Kaoru leaving nor what they'd gone through the previous night. But one could see in Die that it pained him although he tried hard to cover it.
When they were already sitting in their cell in the evening, the redhead hinted at the departure for the first time the whole day. "You know," He looked the other honestly in the eye, smiling just faintly. "I'll miss you."
The comment caused Kaoru's heart to skip a few beats, then pound quicker before cramping. He tried to smile as well, although it came out forced. "I'll miss you too." He nodded to underline his words.
Suddenly, he remembered something he still had to tell the other man. "Die," sighing, he continued. "We both know that I won't be able to visit you, right?" He was hinting at the fact that they both were belonging to rivalling Yakuza clans and although Kaoru practically didn't belong to his clan anymore, he was sure that it would only cause problems for Die if they met.
He had found out a long time ago already about that fact by the small tattoo the other had on his shoulder. And although he knew that Die knew it too, neither of them had mentioned it so far. But it was a different thing to team up in prison, where it was everybody for himself, than outside.
"But I will try to write you and send you cigarettes. And I will pick you up in five months like I promised. To go to that brothel." Although that was the last thing he wanted to do with the redhead after his release, he still used it to cover the fact that he simply wanted to see him again.
"I will wait for a sign of you." This time Die's smile was honest, although somehow melancholy since he knew that wouldn't be long letters they were talking about but small notes of a few words maximum. But the thing that made him happy was that the other wanted to remember him even after he got out, and although he didn't want to go to that brothel anymore he clung to the thought like a lifesaver since he would be able to see the other again then at least.
There was some honest sadness in Kaoru's eyes as he nodded. "I really mean it. So better survive in here or I will have to come and visit you in hell to kick your butt for breaking a promise." He had to swallow hard, not being used to so much emotionality.
The words made Die chuckle a bit, and he cast his eyes down. "I will survive." He thought that if he said it then it'd make it come true in reality as well. He was scared though, knowing that Yamada and most of the other prisoners would attack him the minute he was alone again.
Kaoru knew that as well and it almost drove him mad. Once outside, there was nothing he could do to protect Die anymore, although he had planned something, not sure if he had enough means to work it out. "Just try to remain sane. It's five months, a piece of cake," he tried to convince both of them.
"I survived two months before you got in," The redhead reminded, not very convincingly though. "I will survive those months I have left."
"Yeah, I know. I only benefited from your experience." The black-haired man winked grinning. "And I'm sorry. I don't have a farewell gift for you anymore." The grin widened a bit. "You already got everything."
The last words made Die blush, slightly embarrassed, but he smiled honestly still. "I have one thing to ask of you though."
"Everything." Kaoru nodded, truly meaning it. There was nothing he wouldn't grant the other man.
"Sleep beside me for the last night?" Die almost held his breath, not sure if that had been too much to ask.
The question made the other man smile, his eyes giving away what he felt for a second. "That all? Of course I will."
"Thank you." The redhead sighed thankfully, smiling at the other. He really needed the closeness for the last hours, just to keep him sane after the other was gone.
And that's what they did. Sleep in each other's arms. There was no sex, no blowjob, not even a kiss, just desperate clinging to each other. Covered by the darkness, Kaoru shed a few tears, praying that Die wouldn't notice it.
Die did the same, eventually falling asleep only because he was too exhausted to cry anymore. The morning came just like every other morning, and Die couldn't hide his melancholy as he knew Kaoru would be leaving right after breakfast.
They only had a few minutes before the guards would come and bring Kaoru outside. He had already packed his few personal belongings, now standing a little lost in the middle of the cell.
Die would be late for work, but that didn't matter at that moment when they were looking at each other, the emotions clearly visible in their gazes. There were so many things, Kaoru would have wanted to say, but he denied himself from doing it and bit his lip. "So I guess that's it." He was already going insane at the thought that he had to leave the other man alone with Yamada who was worse than any other inmate.
Wordlessly the redhead stepped closer, closing the other into a tight embrace. "Don't forget me when you're out." His voice was a bit choked, and he just closed his eyes as soon as the words left him. For some reason it was really important to him, and he wanted the other to remember the bond they shared.
"I could never." Wrapping his arms around the other's waist, Kaoru pulled him closer, burying his face in his neck. Tears were rising in his eyes, but he managed to fight them off, knowing that it would cause both of them to break down. "Five months. I'll be there."
Die only nodded, not able to say anything without breaking into tears. They held on to each other until the guards came to take Kaoru, and even then Die didn't let go immediately. As they were casting the last glances at each other he managed to force a smile on his lips, his voice surprisingly steady. "Have fun."
He truly meant it even, wanting the other to live his life. Inwardly though, he was crushing down to pieces, the thought of being alone just too much to take right now. But he knew he should try to be strong, so that the other wouldn't worry over him too much.
Smiling, Kaoru nodded. "I will. And remember your promise." With his head held high, he followed the guards, received the personal stuff he had to give away when he was imprisoned, signed the form and was led to the exit.
Author:
seinen_no and fonulynRating: NC17
Pairing: Die and Kaoru
Disclaimer: We own no one, only our dirty imaginations.
Comments:
seinen_no: Hmm, what to say without giving away too much? Nothing, I guess. Only that we're sorry that it took longer this time, but we both were busy. So enjoy and have fun reading^^fonulyn: baabaaba… okays, so this chapter takes us through a long period of time, so I hope you don’t feel that it’s too rushed or anything. Hm, and the story is nearing the end, but I can promise that at least a couple of chapters is still going to follow^^well, I don’t know what to say either really, so I’m going to use the privilege given to me and advertise xD So if any of you is interested, you can find everything I’ve written alone or with
seinen_no here [scroll down to see the ones we wrote together, seinen_no and I].Previously happened:
The walk of life, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6
Chapter 7: All the way and still not far enough
They both stirred when the cell opened, indicating that the usual morning shower was waiting for them. The situation was odd when Die opened his eyes, gazing directly at Kaoru whose face was still so close to his own. A bit embarrassed, they let go off each other and quickly got up, collecting their clothes.
Things returned to normal between them, as neither of them ever mentioned that night afterwards. It was something that scared them; too much for them to handle and they went back to the comforting routines. But inside of them something had indeed changed, although they didn't want to admit it to themselves. And the only thing that showed it was short moments when either of them watched the other with a certain look in the eyes, thinking it wouldn't be noticed.
The assaults became less after they were back together, displaying the same kind of unity they had shown before. Again, they hushed about the experiences they had had while the other had been away and Die didn't drop a word about Yamada's visits. Although everyday was routine the deep friendship they were sharing made everything easier and time went by quickly.
Time passed, and for some reason it began to make Die nervous at one point. He didn't want to know it, didn't want to admit it to himself, but the day of Kaoru's freedom came closer and closer. Even more than the thought of being left at the mercy of the attacks alone, he was pained by the thought of losing him. Since although he didn't want to admit it to himself, his friend had become the only thing that kept him going in there, believing that everything would turn out fine eventually.
Although he was supposed to look forward to his release, there was no happiness inside Kaoru about it. Sure, he would be free to go wherever he wanted finally, even to visit the brothel as he had predicted to his friend. Fact was, that he didn't want to go anywhere without Die and that he feared for the other's safety once left without his protection. What he still couldn't admit because he hadn't processed it thus far was, that he would miss the other. More than someone missed a good friend. He would miss him corporally and his heart felt cold at the mere thought of it.
Carefully the redhead avoided mentioning it though, and even denied that the other would be walking free soon. So he had no idea that the release date was closing, a month away, three weeks, two weeks and finally only one week away. He simply clung to the routines, banishing the thought of being left alone from his mind.
They were spending each free minute together, pushing away the thought of parting by playing cards or occupying themselves otherwise. There were always times during a day when they managed to forget about it, when they had fun just sitting together and talking nonsense, both carefully avoiding to address Kaoru's release. In silent stipulation, they clung to each other desperately, providing one another with pleasure every night without admitting their true feelings.
It was getting harder though, as now the feelings were growing although they tried to suppress them somehow. Often, Die just had to turn his face away, not to stare at the other too long too affectionately. The sometimes occurring short moments of uncomfortable silence when the situation seemed to be just too intense were just shrugged off, and they carefully staid within the old patterns.
As the last days of Kaoru's stay passed, it came more and more clear to him what he felt for the other man and that awareness shook his whole foundation. Outwardly, nothing changed though but inwardly he grew more and more desperate because he thought he wouldn't survive outside without the other man.
It was his second last night, Die's perfect mouth around his hardness providing pleasure that had passed the bearable longest, when Kaoru remembered the sweet kisses they had shared after the other had come back from solitude. The images along with the feelings he had gone through then were adding up, made him writhe and squirm and pushed him over the edge so unexpectedly that he didn't have the time to warn the other.
Somehow that moment made something inside of Die's head snap. Suddenly, he only saw Yamada in his mind and all the shit he had forced him to go through. It wasn't like he would've really minded Kaoru coming in his mouth although they had agreed not to do it, but at that moment it only reminded him of all the shame and suffering.
Being aroused himself he acted on instinct and kicked his own clothes off, before pressing his body against the other man's, guiding his hand to his butt to push a finger inside. Somehow it was like all the mixed up feelings inside of him were united by the first wave of anger.
Kaoru gasped, honestly shocked, and gripped Die's shoulders, weakly trying to push him away. The other man's quick action had surprised and stunned him, but now he shook his head. "Die no. Please don't." He had thought about this moment for a long time already. Had inwardly made up his mind to give himself to his friend in his last night there. Everything under the pretence to keep his promise of giving Die something to remember because a simple
blowjob wouldn't do anymore. But now, when he felt the other's finger inside him, he stiffened, still shaking his head.
"Relax" The redhead whispered, moving another finger in and scissoring them somewhat. "It won't hurt if you relax." Although he had made the final decision in the rush of anger and adrenalin, he had thought about this for some time now, not really admitting it to himself though. But he wanted the other, needed him, and the knowledge that he'd soon be leaving just caused the burning need to grow stronger.
Those words didn't have the anticipated effect, as Kaoru still was tense. He couldn't believe that Die just went on although he had told him to stop. In contradiction to his initial plea though, he even parted his legs slightly, made more room for the other man. It wasn't that he didn't want it, he just didn't want it like that. And he was angry at Die; angry for ruining his perfect gift; angry for ignoring him and he was even more angry when the other struck something inside him that made him see stars and caused a flash of pleasure that resulted in a hoarse moan.
Die nibbled the other's neck, knowing that it would be easier on him if he was stretched properly. So he took his time, ignoring the ache in his own groin. At that moment it struck him more forcefully than he thought it ever would; that he felt something stronger for the other man, something that was way beyond friendship. But he shrugged the thought off, forcing it to the back of his mind where it could still be ignored.
Kaoru still tried to resist, wanted Die to see that he didn't approve. It was all in vain though for he was reacting too easily to everything the other did. His chest was already heaving, adrenalin making him more sensitive than usually. Soon, he found himself pushing back against the digits inside him, wanting to feel the immense pleasure again. His hands slowly roamed from the other's shoulders up to his neck and, taking a strong hold of his head, Kaoru crushed his mouth on Die's in a bruising kiss.
Somewhere in the midst of the kiss the redhead retreated his fingers, replacing them by his arousal. Trying to distract the other, he kept the kiss going and slowly moved his hips forward, invading the other's body. The adjusting muscles around him made his consciousness almost explode, but he held back not to hurt the other by moving too fast or too rough.
The pain that shot from the lower part of his body along the nerve tracks of his spine caused Kaoru to break the kiss and close his eyes tightly. He would've never imagined it to be this painful and although Die had stopped his movements, he felt like being torn apart. A few tears were rolling down his cheeks but after some seconds, the pain became bearable and he didn't feel like dying anymore. Again, he pressed his lips on the other's, pulling his hair to tilt his head.
Die kissed the other back, staying still for several moments. He really didn't want to hurt the other, not in any ways. Now he regretted that he had started this in a fit of anger, but it didn't take away the fact that he had yearned for the smaller man for long now, and that he still wanted this all too badly. After he felt that the other had relaxed even somewhat he tentatively pulled back a bit, trying to be gentle.
The first movements still caused a burning pain in the lower part of his body, but soon, pleasure was mixing with it and Kaoru lifted his hips, trying to meet the other's gentle thrusts half way. The ultimate closeness of feeling Die inside him, of being filled by him, caused his senses to go into overdrive and made him want more.
They developed a common rhythm, moving against each other, both needing more of it. Almost desperately the redhead kissed the other man again and again, while the force and pace of their movements were increasing steadily.
As the thrusts grew harder, Die almost always struck that certain spot inside Kaoru that made him moan and groan without having control over it. If he had been at his senses, he would've hit the other man for causing so much pleasure, for putting him up to the most divine sensations he had ever experienced. But at that moment, Kaoru could only quietly beg for more, ask him to move quicker and deeper.
After what felt like an eternity Die felt himself nearing the peak, almost unable to take any more. He moved his hand between them to the other's arousal, lacing his fingers around the hard flesh to provide him with more pleasure.
The touch took Kaoru by surprise and made him gasp. He didn't know whether to still meet the thrusts or to arch up into the touch that sent sugary laces of pleasure though his entire being. He was panting and sweat was beading on both their skins when his body reached its limits. He arched up, releasing one final moan, before the bliss blurred his vision, flooding his consciousness as he came hard between himself and the other man.
At the very same moment his muscles were clenching around the redhead's hardness, causing him to almost scream as the increasing tightness pushed him over the edge. His whole being tensed forcefully, bliss flooding through him as he released himself with one last loud groan.
Somehow, feeling Die coming inside him only added up to the bliss Kaoru felt, although it was causing a slight burning pain. For several moments, they staid like this, clinging to each other while sharing the pleasure they had just experienced.
Only when Kaoru's respiration had slightly normalized, his brain resuming its work, the initial anger was seeping back into his mind. Firmly, he pushed Die off him and, ignoring the pain in his lower back the movement caused, jumped up. "Die, you fucking asshole! How could you...?"
Die startled at first, shaking his head a bit before he got his mind to work. The anger in the other's voice made him flinch, and the first thought was an enormous fear that he had screwed up and ruined everything. Another almost as strong feeling was anger though, for some reason he wasn't even that sure of. "What do you mean how could I? Don't try to tell me you didn't like it."
"That's not the point," Kaoru argued, his voice low but clearly showing his anger. "The point is that you did it without my permission. We had a deal, remember?"
He wasn't really mad at Die for going this far, but part of him still felt the need to deny his feelings. Besides, he couldn't allow the redhead just to take him when he felt like it. If Kaoru had enjoyed it or not.
"I remember, you don't have to remind me of it." The redhead spoke through clenched teeth, trying to control himself. "We also had a deal of not coming into each other's mouth."
"Don't you think that this is slightly different? I mean fucking somebody's ass for swallowing a bit of cum?" Kaoru couldn't understand why Die made such a fuzz about that. Sure, it had been their deal, but if he had given him the time, he would have explained and apologized for it.
"Might be." Again Die saw Yamada in his mind, and that alone made him feel sick and he had to close his eyes and shake his head to get rid of the image. "But after all the cum I've swallowed for you, I don't think you should make this big of a fuzz about that."
"What?" Kaoru thought he had heard wrong and now took a step towards the other man to see him better in the darkness. He sensed that there was more to that comment and it caused his heartbeat to speed up again. "Could you please enlighten me when you have swallowed my cum before?" His voice had become a tad bit softer, though still angry, and he had put his question like that deliberately, not really wanting to hear the truth.
"I didn't say it was your cum." The redhead turned away, suddenly hoping he wouldn't have said anything.
Kaoru bit his lip and grabbed the other's arm, gently forcing him to face him again. For a moment, he only looked him in the eyes silently and then lifted his hand, cupping his cheek. "Tell me." It was a quiet demand, not allowing him to back off.
"Forget it." Die turned away again, biting his lip. "Just forget it."
"No Die!" Kaoru shook his head and pulled the redhead back, almost into his arms. "If something has happened that made you just fuck me because I came in your mouth, I have the right to know everything about it." The smaller man feared the answer though and the mere thought that somebody has done this to the redhead caused cold-blooded anger to rise in him.
"He told me he'd hurt you, that he'd come and fuck you if I didn't do as he said." Die's voice was a broken whisper, and he had to swallow hard to steady it even somewhat. He had hung his head, refusing to meet the other's gaze because he again felt dirty and used.
"Yamada." Kaoru whispered. As the awareness struck him, he felt like killing that man slowly and painfully. He would take delight in doing it himself, first playing with him, torturing and humiliating him until he begged to be put out of his misery.
Outwardly though, he didn't show how much the confession affected him although he felt like crying or going on a rampage. Gently, he caught Die's chin with his thumb and index finger, forcing him to look up again. "And you did that just for me?"
Die nodded shakily, a small sob escaping him although he had tried to hold it back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to just fuck you like that. It just... I just remembered the way he made me always swallow, and I lost it." What he didn't mention was that the reason which had really made him go through with it had been the strong feelings he had developed for the other man the fact that he had simply wanted the other too badly.
"Shht, it's okay." Kaoru pulled him into his arms, soothingly caressing his back. So that was the reason why Die had been so broken and hollow when he had come back from solitude. The smaller man fought hard to control the shaking of his body not to give away how much Die's misery pained him. "How often?" he asked after a few moments, simply needing to know it.
"Often." The answer was vague at first, as Die thought the other didn't need to know the details. He knew how often of course, since each time had burned into his memory like a scar he never would get rid of completely.
Although it gave away too much of his true feelings for the redhead, Kaoru stretched his neck and kissed him; fully, gently, like lovers did. After pulling back, he again asked. "How often?"
"Eleven times." The redhead tried to concentrate on the memory of the kiss to force away the nausea the past experiences still brought upon him.
Kaoru succeeded quite well in hiding the rising lust to kill which the answer evoked, only a small gasp giving away his scornfulness for Yamada. And there was something else mixing with the hate he felt towards the warden, pure and utter love and gratefulness for Die who had gone through such terror just to spare him.
In his mind, there were only two options now. He could either confess that he felt much
more than friendship or try to play his feelings down. Not completely sure about the reasons why Die had done this, if it was friendship or more, he decided for the latter.
"Thank you." Kaoru's voice was thick with emotions, but he smiled suddenly. "That kinda gave you the right to fuck me. But it changes the deal and you owe me one now." He felt bad for turning things like that but thought both of them would be better off trying to go on as usual. At least for his last day in prison. But now, all he wanted was to hold the other man, to give him all the comfort and closeness he had to offer as long as Die wanted it.
Die swallowed, forcing a smile to his lips. "Okay, that's a deal." He didn't know if he was more relieved or disappointed though. He was utterly thankful since the other wasn't mad at him and didn't push him away. But on the other hand, he had somehow wished for something else, not really sure what.
He didn't have the time to think about those though, since he still wasn't able to shrug off Yamada's dirty grin from his mind, his expression of pure delight in the other's fear.
They returned to Die's bunk, Kaoru cradling him in his arms, tenderly kissing his forehead, his nose or his lips from time to time, gently running his fingers through his hair. He had to lock away the hatred inside him to be able to just focus on the other man, trying to imprint everything in him in his memory for the time when he was out again.
Kaoru feared the time, feared that he could slowly forget how he felt at that very moment while he watched the man in his arms fall asleep. Only when his respiration had been regular for a long time already, he again kissed his lips, whispering a faint "I love you".
Even in his sleep Die was holding on to the other, seeking for comfort and safety for those few last moments he was able to get those. This was their second last night before Kaoru would be released, and he just didn't want to think further than that.
The last complete day went by normally, just like any other day, neither of them talking about Kaoru leaving nor what they'd gone through the previous night. But one could see in Die that it pained him although he tried hard to cover it.
When they were already sitting in their cell in the evening, the redhead hinted at the departure for the first time the whole day. "You know," He looked the other honestly in the eye, smiling just faintly. "I'll miss you."
The comment caused Kaoru's heart to skip a few beats, then pound quicker before cramping. He tried to smile as well, although it came out forced. "I'll miss you too." He nodded to underline his words.
Suddenly, he remembered something he still had to tell the other man. "Die," sighing, he continued. "We both know that I won't be able to visit you, right?" He was hinting at the fact that they both were belonging to rivalling Yakuza clans and although Kaoru practically didn't belong to his clan anymore, he was sure that it would only cause problems for Die if they met.
He had found out a long time ago already about that fact by the small tattoo the other had on his shoulder. And although he knew that Die knew it too, neither of them had mentioned it so far. But it was a different thing to team up in prison, where it was everybody for himself, than outside.
"But I will try to write you and send you cigarettes. And I will pick you up in five months like I promised. To go to that brothel." Although that was the last thing he wanted to do with the redhead after his release, he still used it to cover the fact that he simply wanted to see him again.
"I will wait for a sign of you." This time Die's smile was honest, although somehow melancholy since he knew that wouldn't be long letters they were talking about but small notes of a few words maximum. But the thing that made him happy was that the other wanted to remember him even after he got out, and although he didn't want to go to that brothel anymore he clung to the thought like a lifesaver since he would be able to see the other again then at least.
There was some honest sadness in Kaoru's eyes as he nodded. "I really mean it. So better survive in here or I will have to come and visit you in hell to kick your butt for breaking a promise." He had to swallow hard, not being used to so much emotionality.
The words made Die chuckle a bit, and he cast his eyes down. "I will survive." He thought that if he said it then it'd make it come true in reality as well. He was scared though, knowing that Yamada and most of the other prisoners would attack him the minute he was alone again.
Kaoru knew that as well and it almost drove him mad. Once outside, there was nothing he could do to protect Die anymore, although he had planned something, not sure if he had enough means to work it out. "Just try to remain sane. It's five months, a piece of cake," he tried to convince both of them.
"I survived two months before you got in," The redhead reminded, not very convincingly though. "I will survive those months I have left."
"Yeah, I know. I only benefited from your experience." The black-haired man winked grinning. "And I'm sorry. I don't have a farewell gift for you anymore." The grin widened a bit. "You already got everything."
The last words made Die blush, slightly embarrassed, but he smiled honestly still. "I have one thing to ask of you though."
"Everything." Kaoru nodded, truly meaning it. There was nothing he wouldn't grant the other man.
"Sleep beside me for the last night?" Die almost held his breath, not sure if that had been too much to ask.
The question made the other man smile, his eyes giving away what he felt for a second. "That all? Of course I will."
"Thank you." The redhead sighed thankfully, smiling at the other. He really needed the closeness for the last hours, just to keep him sane after the other was gone.
And that's what they did. Sleep in each other's arms. There was no sex, no blowjob, not even a kiss, just desperate clinging to each other. Covered by the darkness, Kaoru shed a few tears, praying that Die wouldn't notice it.
Die did the same, eventually falling asleep only because he was too exhausted to cry anymore. The morning came just like every other morning, and Die couldn't hide his melancholy as he knew Kaoru would be leaving right after breakfast.
They only had a few minutes before the guards would come and bring Kaoru outside. He had already packed his few personal belongings, now standing a little lost in the middle of the cell.
Die would be late for work, but that didn't matter at that moment when they were looking at each other, the emotions clearly visible in their gazes. There were so many things, Kaoru would have wanted to say, but he denied himself from doing it and bit his lip. "So I guess that's it." He was already going insane at the thought that he had to leave the other man alone with Yamada who was worse than any other inmate.
Wordlessly the redhead stepped closer, closing the other into a tight embrace. "Don't forget me when you're out." His voice was a bit choked, and he just closed his eyes as soon as the words left him. For some reason it was really important to him, and he wanted the other to remember the bond they shared.
"I could never." Wrapping his arms around the other's waist, Kaoru pulled him closer, burying his face in his neck. Tears were rising in his eyes, but he managed to fight them off, knowing that it would cause both of them to break down. "Five months. I'll be there."
Die only nodded, not able to say anything without breaking into tears. They held on to each other until the guards came to take Kaoru, and even then Die didn't let go immediately. As they were casting the last glances at each other he managed to force a smile on his lips, his voice surprisingly steady. "Have fun."
He truly meant it even, wanting the other to live his life. Inwardly though, he was crushing down to pieces, the thought of being alone just too much to take right now. But he knew he should try to be strong, so that the other wouldn't worry over him too much.
Smiling, Kaoru nodded. "I will. And remember your promise." With his head held high, he followed the guards, received the personal stuff he had to give away when he was imprisoned, signed the form and was led to the exit.